1. I’m still alive and well. Mostly alive and slightly well.
2. Maybe it’s just that you notice it more when you’re depressed but it seems to me like these melancholy things come in waves for everyone. I blame Saturn. Or Jupiter. Whichever one is being an asshole. Uranus seems too obvious. Regardless, if you’re feeling hopeless and freaked out right now just rest assured that you’re not alone and that this will pass for us all soon. Until then, remember that depression is great for your pores.
3. We finally sold our house in Houston and it only took us 987 days to do it. We also ended up coming to the sale having to pay a ton so that was great. In the middle of signing all of the paperwork I mentioned to Victor that we should probably disclose that we buried that-guy-I-couldn’t-remember-the-name-of in our yard years ago and Victor looked at me like I’d lost my mind. Probably because you’re not supposed to say that in front of realtors. Then Victor told me to be quiet, but I mentioned that we’d probably go to hell for not digging the guy back up. Then Victor explained that I was talking about a saint I’d buried upside down in our front lawn to help sell the house and the realtor looked at us like we were insane because apparently she’s not Catholic. And technically neither are we, but at the time we were pretty desperate to sell the house and I was willing to bury just about anyone in the yard to stop having to pay two mortgages.
In the end we ended up having to bring a giant check to the signing so technically I’d say Saint Joseph and I failed each other. I did, however, write a small note to the people buying our house which said “There’s a guy buried upside down under the oak tree in the front yard. He’s yours now if you want to dig him up. Hopefully he’ll bring you better luck than he brought us. There’s also half a cat buried in the backyard. No extra charge for either.”
4. Victor just pointed out that it sounded like I said I’d buried half a dead cat in the yard, which would be ridiculous and also gross. I buried a whole dead cat there but by now at least half of it would be decomposed and I wanted to be as honest as possible. Victor says sometimes honesty is not always the best policy.
Victor might be right on this occasion.