Victor: Did you check the mail?
me: Yeah, there were three bills and a box of dead hamster.
me: Everyone gets bills, babe. You can’t escape bills. It’s not personal.
me: You aren’t going to ask about the box of dead hamster?
me: Because I kind of really need you too.
Victor: Nope. Don’t care. Don’t want to be involved.
me: Because it was sent to me anonymously and it’s kind of freaking me out. Someone sent me a box of dead hamster in the mail and I don’t even know what that means. Is it some sort of code? Is it a threat? I’m not even sure it’s a hamster. Or why it has wings.
Victor: Hamsters don’t have wings.
me: I KNOW. THAT’S WHY IT’S SO UNSETTLING.
Victor: FINE. Show me your dead hamster.
Victor: That’s…not a hamster.
me: You’re saying that because of the wings, right? But they’re detachable.
Victor: No. I mean it looks too big to be a hamster. I think it’s a guinea pig.
me: Or a small dog.
Victor: And why is it crunchy?
Victor: It’s like it’s filled with cellophane.
me: Or corn flakes.
Victor: Why would someone fill a hamster with corn flakes?
me: WHY WOULD SOMEONE SEND ME A BOX OF DEAD HAMSTER? I THINK WE CAN THROW LOGIC OUT THE WINDOW HERE, Victor.
Victor: That ship has sailed. You probably bought it yourself and just forgot.
me: I think I would remember if I bought a box of dead hamster.
Victor: Remember when you bought that cobra and forgot that you bought it until you opened it?
me: Mmm…not really.
Victor: Well, it happened.
me: Now I’m craving corn flakes.
Victor: Stop talking.
PS. Did you send me a box of dead hamster? Is there a hidden meaning? Is the crunchy noise inside of it a note explaining it? Is the hamster an envelope? For the love of God, someone help me.
PPS. The cats fucking LOVE Mr. Squeaky. If that’s what his name is.