I’ve made rules that I’m trying to implement in my life. Want to see them? Probably not. But here they are anyway:
RULES FOR LIFE
1. Don’t be shitty.
2. Don’t make happy people sad.
3. Don’t make sad people sadder.
4. If more than two people tell you that you’re being an asshole, consider that maybe you’re being an asshole.
5. Flush the toilet behind you. You’re grossing us all out.
6. Support the under-dog.
7. Critics aren’t automatically bullies and you’re doing yourself a disservice if you ignore all of them out of hand. That being said, it sucks to read shitty stuff about yourself so find an honest friend to read your criticism and tell you if it’s something worth listening to or if the critic is just a crazy fucking douche-canoe.
8. Real bullies are complete assholes but they can’t recognize themselves as such so maybe spray paint an “x” on their forehead so that we can all just recognize them from a distance and ignore them.
9. Be stupid. Be childlike. Be ridiculous. Be happy.
10. Don’t use the word “literally” when you really mean “figuratively”. It literally makes me want to stab you a little but I don’t do it because that’s illegal and also because I have a very limited amount of knives.
11. Read more. Watch shows that inspire you. Embrace whatever makes you geek out. Even if it’s Laura Ingalls. Because Laura Ingalls is fascinating and there’s nothing wrong with obsessively knowing every detail about her life and death. Stop judging me.
12. Bite off more than you can chew. You can always spit it out on the floor if you decide you don’t like it. Women do it all the time.
12b. Embrace your flaws and foibles. If people make fun of you, kick them in the back and then blame it on a ghost.
14. Don’t let other people on the internet tell you what to do. Unless it’s this list. Then I guess just use your best judgement.
15. Become a pirate. Or a monster truck. Or a space toddler. Or a jacket. That’s my favorite one. I just jump on someone’s back and say “Sorry. You looked cold. Zip me up.” It’s awesome.
16. Do something nice for someone you love.
17. Do something nice for a perfect stranger.
18. Do something nice for you.
19. Do ‘The Robot’.
20. Add your own. Go ahead. You can’t fuck this up any more than I have.