Hi. I’m about to break your computer because I don’t understand how image compression works but stick with me because it’s totally worth it. It’s no secret that my commenters are almost always way funnier than me. That’s why I do the “comment of the day” whenever I remember to. Because then I can steal their awesomeness for my post and they get credit too. So we all win. But I win more. But today I’m going to say thank you to all of my amazing commenters by celebrating this bit of brilliance. Below is a series of screenshots of comments left here by my friend, Van, aka Furiousball over the last few years. I know it seems like they wouldn’t make sense since you won’t know what post he’s referring to but you’d be wrong because his comments are almost always totally unrelated to anything in my blog posts anyway. It’s basically like he’s just having a conversation with me that no one else can understand. Including occasionally me. But it doesn’t change the fact that when you look at all of his comments together like this there is a simple, elegant truth to them and it’s a little like eavesdropping on someones inner thoughts when they’re just drunk enough. Personally I would like each of these printed up in a book entitled “I Don’t Know What You’re Talking About, Van.” Also, for some reason about a quarter of the way down everything starts to get slightly fuzzy. It’s probably because I shrunk the screenshots too much, not because you’re having a stroke. Unless you are actually having a stroke. That would totally suck. Let’s get started:
[click to continue…]
It’s been a long, strange week. If this is the first time you’re arriving at this site I’d recommend skipping the past few posts as they can be confusing for even the most ardent reader of this blog. But for those of you who have been following the Shorty Award debacle, here’s a short summary and the latest development.
Part 1: I get elected into Government according to the Shorty Awards. I point out I’m not actually in the Government. My ratings go higher and I somehow end up in 1st place. It is awesome in its ridiculousness.
Part 2: On the day before the voting period closes, the Shorty Award people unceremoniously kick me out of the Government category and nullify hundreds of votes. The assumption is that I’ve been disqualified because I’m not actually in the Government but then the Mayor of Martindale takes a stand for justice and appoints me as an official Czar (of Nothingness) for the city of Martindale. Also, they promote C.C. the cat (who lives in City Hall) to Czar of Czars making her, in effect, my new boss.
C.C.: "I can haz you arrested if you continue to disrespect my authority, bastards." (Disclaimer: I'm not entirely certain Czars can have people arrested but I assume they probably can.)
I submit a formal complaint to the Shorty Awards, which is soundly ignored. Martindale goes down in history as the most kick-ass town in the history of ever and single-handedly renews my faith in Government.
Part 3: I decide to send a letter to Natan, a representative of the Shorty Awards to clear all of this up…
Hi Natan,
I know you’re part of the Shorty Award contest management team and apparently I was disqualified from the Govt. category and my 100+ votes were nullified because I wasn’t actually in the Government but prior to the end of the contest I was actually appointed a Government Official so I think you should probably reinstate all the votes you guys discounted and put me back into the finals. I can give you the contact number for my boss at City Hall if you need to verify that I am indeed a Government official.
I’ve written about this on my site in case you need more details:
http://thebloggess.com/?p=5621
Hugs,
Jenny Lawson, current Czar of Martindale, Texas
His response:
Hi Jenny,
I’ve passed your message onto the Sawhorse team. I am deeply sorry for any inconvenience but it’s completely out of my hands.
Best,
Natan
My response:
Thanks so much for your quick response, Natan. As a member of the Government myself I understand completely your frustration at not being able to affect a change yourself because of bureaucracy. I hope that the Sawhorse team is able to remedy this as my boss at City Hall is extremely upset by this whole matter. She’s spent the last day sleeping at her desk and growling angrily whenever we try to show her updates on this very sensitive matter. Martindale Texas is small but our government officials still believe that we are every bit as important as those fat cats in Washington. I hope that the Shorty Awards people see it that way as well.
I asked my boss if she had anything to add to this email and she just glared at me and then put her head down on her desk. I think that really speaks louder than words.
Thanks again for your help and sympathy in this important matter.
~Jenny, serious Government official
The Shorty Award response:
Jenny,
Congratulations on your new position! The people of Martindale, Texas are clearly the real winners in the Shorty Awards.
However, our decision is final.
We hope you’ll participate next year after a full year of service.
Thank you for writing,
The Shorty Team
My response:
Dear Shorty Awards:
To say I am disappointed in this travesty would be an understatement. However, as with any election there are bound to be flaws and I am hopeful that next year you will not allow yourself to be blinded again by the devastatingly boring status-quo, or to be bribed by NASA. I’m not sure which of these happened this time but I assume it’s the latter. I am, however, willing to mend these fences by presenting the Shorty Award in Government as I am more than qualified, being a Czar in-good-standing. I’m fairly certain you aren’t going to have any other Czars offering to be a presenter at your award ceremony. Please send me plane fare immediately. Also, if you are looking for someone with more political swagger, my boss might be able to present the award but to be honest she’s not that much of a talker and she’s not exactly your biggest fan. Also you’d need to set up a satellite link for her as she never leaves City Hall. That’s how dedicated she is to our Government.
Martindale Texas for the win.
Your public servant,
Jenny, Current Czar and probably future President.
So far? No response. I’m not even sure what the point of being a Czar is anymore.
*****************************************************
On a completely unrelated note, it’s Sunday which means it’s time for my weekly wrap-up:
This week on Ask the Bloggess:
This week on my sex column (which is satirical and relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche canoe):
This week on the internets:
- Not much. Too busy being a Czar.
This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
This is a long post so if you have ADD you can skip it and read the post I wrote this morning.
Okay, remember a couple of weeks ago when I blogged about how bizarrely awesome it was that I was in second place in the coveted position of “Top Government Twitterer” in the Shorty Awards even though I’m not actually in the Government at all and then I even changed my avatar so that people would know that I’m not in the Government but people kept voting because I think people assume that a vote for me is a vote for how ridiculous popularity contests are? Yeah, I don’t either. That’s how long ago that was. But it’s still going on and when I checked this week I was in second place. Today the votes close and I never mentioned that on twitter because honestly I think we’re all a bit tired of seeing nominations all over the place but I went to see if I was still in the top 5 and I wasn’t. I assumed it was because real Governmental twitterers had been deluged with votes and I was fine with that but then I looked a little closer and found that I HAD BEEN BANNED FROM THE CATEGORY ALTOGETHER. And the 100+ votes for me for Government were all stricken from the record. And in truth, if this was strictly a popular vote contest I’d understand why the Shorty Award people would want to get rid of me in case I accidentally won because it would make them look stupid but the truth is that a committee chooses the final winners so there was no reason to not let those votes just stand. I call “shenanigans”.
But the Shorty Awards are falling back on a rule that I never actually saw before today which states that “Nominations that are not relevant within official categories will be removed” but first off, let me say that I was once selected for Jury Duty and although I didn’t actually get picked I’m pretty sure that counts as being part of the Government. Apparently that’s not good enough for the Shorty Awards. Because they hate civil service. Or someone paid them off. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t actually know how voter fraud works. But what I do know though is that the Government is run for the people, by the people and as of today I’m one of those people because a few minutes ago I was officially appointed the Official Government Coordinator of Useless Projects by Loraine Harrison, Mayor of Martindale, Texas. Not a joke, y’all. That. Just. Happened. And while technically it’s an unpaid position with no real power it does still make me an actual member of the Government. And it’s a kick-ass job because Martindale is so efficiently run that we don’t even HAVE any useless projects so it’s basically my job to make sure I don’t actually ever have any duties. Done. Plus, Texas Chainsaw Massacre was filmed in Martindale. So yeah. It’s totally bad-ass.
So this is the part where I demand that the Shorty Awards reinstate all the votes they so capriciously dismissed and return the power where it belongs….to the people. Who will use that power for ridiculously frivilous purposes, like making sure that our votes are counted and shouting “WOLVERINES!” in crowded subways just to celebrate the joy of chaos and inanity. Because we can. Yes. We. Can.
PS. No joke. The Mayor of Martindale will be appearing at the Mom 2.0 Summit next month to publicly induct me. I have to supply my own crown though. Also there will be some sort of certificate. It is my fondest hope that it reads “Official Government Coordinator of Useless Projects and Bad Motherf-er.” I’m fine with just the first part though. I can write the rest in with a sharpie.
PPS. Hang on. A few other elected officials had to weigh in and they’re all cool with it but they do think I need an actual duty so whenever I’m in Martindale it’s my job to keep track of C.C., the cat that lives at City Hall. Because there’s a stray cat that lives in city hall and sleeps on the Administrator’s desk. BECAUSE MARTINDALE IS THE MOST BAD ASS CITY EVER.
This has been a weird day.
UPDATE: Day two and so far, no response from the Shorty Award people even after I submitted a formal complaint on behalf of justice and democracy everywhere. And to be honest, I’m a little disappointed. This is an organization that appointed MC Hammer to be a part of the deciding committee so clearly they are taking this just as seriously as I am. Still, they refuse to acknowledge me or even issue a restraining order against me. To be blunt, it’s a little insulting to all of us. Also, I was just informed that they have also stricken all of Neil Gaiman’s votes for “Customer Service” even though he had been leading that category ever since he announced his candidacy for that position because he also believes in not staying in the pre-conceived box people want to put you in. Neil is still in first place for Literature which is, naturally, very fitting but is also such an obvious choice that I’m bored just saying it out loud. In short, Neil was robbed.
Also, the Mayor of Martindale met with city officials and in order to make my role in the government less easy for the Shorty Awards to ignore they have decided to change my title to “Czar”. My full title will be “Czar of Nothingness” so that I can’t actually hurt anything but it’s actually fine because now whenever someone asks you what you’re doing and you say “nothing” I think that means I’m your boss. Also, they appointed the cat that lives at City Hall as the “Czar of Czars” so basically the cat is my boss. I’ve had worse.
PS. I am officially in love with Martindale, Texas and I’m not just saying that because my boss lives there.
PPS. I’ve changed my twitter avatar in response to the Shorty Awards who are still avoiding eye-contact with me.
It's like if Betsy Ross had had access to photoshop.
UPDATED X 2: Okay, so my friend Laura was actually in Martindale while all of this was going down and she was able to both witness and capture the meeting where the city officials decided to make me a czar.
Direct quote from Laura's email: "Mayor Harrison, The City Manager and the City Attorney are having a meeting about you in these photos (not even kidding). The Czar of Czars (CC) is sleeping during this important meeting."
Also she was able to send me a picture of C.C.:
My new boss: "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME?!"
Laura assures me that he was just yawning but it looks a lot like he’s shouting maniacally at me. Awesome. I’m in trouble already.
Comment of the day: Um. I hate to break this to you, but David Archuletta IS STILL NOMINATED AS FOOD. If this doesn’t call for revolution or some type of cannibalism, I’m not sure what does. Ten bucks says he tastes of burnt walnuts. ~ moooooog35
This morning someone asked me why there are 12 days of Christmas. And honestly, I have no fucking idea. So I decided to google it and then I stabbed myself in the head. Why? Because I don’t want to live in a world where so many people are asking Google ridiculous questions that Google is all “Oh, stop right there. I already know exactly what you’re going to ask”. And you know what, Google? You obviously don’t know what I’m going to ask if you’re jumping to these conclusions:
Um...what?
And yes, Google, I realize that this is less of a judgement that you’re making about me and more of a result of the hordes of dumb people using you but maybe you could wait until I finish the question before you jump to some horrific conclusion about what I’m asking. Or not.
Not. Helpful.
Honestly, at this point I was a little offended. But I kept going, thinking that this would eventually have to stop.
Are you fucking kidding me?
And now I’m just baffled. Where on earth are there so many ostriches that we need to google it? I honestly don’t know. But what I do know is that after reading that all I can think of is that it would suck to live there and I couldn’t concentrate because I couldn’t stop wondering why this was even a suggested question and so then I had to google “why are there so many ostriches” just to see what would happen. And then *BAM* I just became part of the problem. WTF, me? And you know what I learned? Nothing. It took me to this web page about ostriches where I learned that ostriches have been clocked going really fast. Direct quote:
“It had probably just huffed a cheetah kitten (sends you through a psychedelic wonderland at like a kajillion mph and ur not even halfway there. Despite this ability to run like the wind, the ostrich cannot lay claim to performing what any fast running bird-like creature ought to be able to do – take-off. They have fat asses and abnormally small brains but they are kinda smart. This inability to pass from the running stage to the take-off mode is considered to be a design fault that may lead to the eventual extinction of this oversized dodo. They are kinda smart, but DO NOT, DO NOT, let an ostrich kick you, it will completely FUCK YOU UP. IT WILL SHATTER ALL THE BONES IN YOUR BODY AND MAKE YOU BE PITYED BY MR. T, THUS INCREASING THE INJURY. DO NOT GET KICKED BY AN OSTRICH. I AM TELLING YOU, IT WILL FUCK YOU UP.”
So yeah. There’s that.
PS. I still don’t know why there are 12 days of Christmas. I don’t even care any more. I’m going to lie down and cry now. Someone fix Google.
Comment of the day: I started to Google ‘I like’ and the following came up: “I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger”. Preaching to the choir, my friend. Preaching to the choir. ~ moooooog35
