Totes MaGoats

My friend Jeremy (Meddling with Nature) is full of awesome.  He’s a taxidermist/artist/prop maker who works with roadkill/animals who died of natural causes and who sends me wonderful emails that include lines like “Today my biggest challenge is making a zombie dog that can vomit a gallon of fake blood.”    He made me Rory (the ecstatic raccoon who is on the cover of FURIOUSLY HAPPY) and you’ll have to read the book to hear that story, but last month Jeremy was all “Hey, I made this goat and he’s been frequenting bars and parade floats.  His name is Totes MaGoats” and I was like “Um, no.  He is Totes MY Goat.  Because that is my goat.  Seriously.  I need him.  And I will christen him Vincent Van Goat so he can have two names.”

Well, hello there.

Well, hello there.

unnamed-14

He’s fucking irresistable.

But then Victor was like “No.  Just…what?  No.”  And I did agree that Totes MaGoats/Vincent Van Goat was a bit pricey but he’s also enormous and so pound-per-pound he was a steal.  Victor disagreed because he doesn’t understand how buying-in-bulk works so I turned to my publisher with this email:

My friend Jeremy (the one who made Rory) just sent me a picture of his latest creation AND I NEED IT.

totes2

It’s a giant goat reading Alice in Wonderland but we could place a copy of FURIOUSLY HAPPY in his hand-hoof and then it’d be a taxidermied animal reading about a taxidermied animal. My head hurts from the awesome. Plus, you can take Vincent Van Goat to Book Conventions as a conversation piece and everyone would take a picture. INSTANT PUBLICITY. Then I’d buy it from you later (but at a big discount obviously because “used goat“) and then you won’t have to find a place to store a goat after the tour ends. EVERYONE WINS.

Long story short, will you buy me this goat? Does it help if I mention that I’m a Capricorn and that this is The Year of the Goat? If you don’t want to fund the goat I’ll probably still buy it myself but I’m gonna need you to buy him a seat on the airplane when I go on tour because I think I just found my new service animal. Also, Victor thinks the goat is ridiculous but he also just said that the goat would look good with a jeweled ascot and a pipe so I think he’s warming up to it. Which is good because it’s going in the bedroom.

Hugs, Jenny

Then my publisher was like “Who is this?” and so I decided to just buy the goat for myself.

(Really my publisher said “We love you but this is gonna look weird on an expense report. So, maybe?” and I was like “I CANNOT WAIT FOR YOUR SLOW DECISIONS.  SOMEONE ELSE IS GOING TO SNATCH THIS MAGICAL GOAT UP” and that’s why I had to buy it immediately.)

Last week Jeremy drove Totes to my house from Cincinnati and it was awesome because it was lovely to have someone look at my weird taxidermy with appreciation rather than frightened judgement, and also because it’s hard to even get pizza delivered at my house, much less a full sized goat.

Jeremy and Totes.  It sort of looks like Totes is giving you a rude hand signal but I assure you he is not, unless you're an asshole, in which case you are totally right.

Jeremy and Totes. It sort of looks like Totes is giving you a rude hand gesture but I assure you he is not, unless you’re an asshole, in which case he totally is.

Then Ferris Mewler snuggled up with Jeremy and when we pointed out that Ferris is polydactyl (a cat born with opposable thumbs). Jeremy was like “Whoa.  I’d super like to see your skeleton, buddy,” and then Victor was like “Oh dear God, there are two of you.

Jeremy explained that Totes still had a lot of lanolin in his hair so when I braid and style him it’ll be really healthy for my nails and cuticles – as if I needed another reason to love this goat.  Also, lanolin is really great for irritated nipples so I decided to put Totes in the guest room so that if someone is breast-feeding in that room he can serve as a medicinal goat.

Peony

I put a peony in his hoof because (according to the design blogs) peonies are super in right now.  Then I was like, “OH MY JESUS, VICTOR.  THIS GOAT IS THE BEST VASE EVER.”

It’s nice because that room really needed something and turns out what it needed was a goat.  Upside?  I think I might be able to go into interior design if this whole writing thing turns to shit.

UPDATED:  As requested, a Totes MaGoat tote.  Available in big and not-as-big.

totes tote

All I want for Mother’s Day is Herbert and his two front teeth.

me: For Mother’s Day this year I want this teddy bear.  Or rabbit, maybe?  It has teeth and it’s adorable.

uncanny creatures

Via UncannyCreatures on Etsy.

Victor:  I…don’t think I want that in the house.

me:  It’s tiny and under $40.  Plus, I’m pretty sure you can’t say no to me on Mother’s Day.  I made a human out of my body.

Victor: Well I helped.

me:  Barely.

Victor:  EXCUSE ME?  Millions of my replicants were destroyed in the process of making our child.

me: “Replicants”?

Victor:  Yep. And I better get something awesome for Father’s Day. It’s like Remembrance Day for the millions of replicants who didn’t make it.

me: Oh Jesus.

Victor:  Never forget, Jenny.

me:  Well, I can’t now.

PS.  Vaguely related: Happy Mother’s Day to my mom who is the greatest woman I’ve ever met, and Happy Mother’s Day to my daughter because she’s the one who made me a mother.  And high-five to anyone who has weird, conflicting  or shitty feelings about Mother’s Day and wishes it would all go away.  Go get yourself a kitten and a waffle.  You deserve it.  Get me some too while you’re at it.

************

And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

sid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Darcy Perdu, award-winning humorist who loves to share her bodacious blunders and amazing adventures at SoThenStories.com. She’ll gleefully tell you about the Baby Book Debacle  – the hilarious reason her friend’s husband is mad at her, and why some people think she’s raising her daughter to be a stripper.  You can subscribe to her blog right here so you don’t miss a second.

FURIOUSLY HAPPY TOUR

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT, Y’ALL!  I’M TURNING INTO A BADGER.

Wait.  No.  That’s not it.  I’m coming to your town to sign your books.  ALL OF YOUR BOOKS!  And your babies.  Whatever does it for you.  Put a blanket (or a load of warm cats) on your sofa because I’m on the way to see you.  Or I will be in four months.  If you live in one of the towns I’m going to, that is.  If you don’t then you should move.  You have four months.

Here’s where I’m going:

official furiously happy tour poster

The devil and the details:
9/23 Austin Bookpeople 7pm
9/25 Houston, Blue Willow 6pm
9/26 Dallas, Half Price Books 3pm
9/29 Atlanta, A Cappella Books 7pm
9/30 Nashville, Parnassus 7pm
10/3 Miami, Books & Books (Coral Gables) 7pm
10/10 Huntsville, Alabama Rocket City Lit Fest  11am
10/12 Washington, DC Politics & Prose 7pm
10/15 NYC Barnes & Noble/ Union Square 6pm
10/17 Boston, Porter Square 6pm
10/20 Toronto, Indigo Manulife 7pm
10/23 Dayton, Books&Co 7pm
10/25 Chicago, Women & Children First 4pm
10/27 Milwaukee, Boswell Book Company 6:30pm
11/2 Minneapolis, University of Minnesota Bookstore 7pm
11/4 St. Louis, Left Bank Books 7pm
11/6 Wichita, Watermark Books  6pm
11/11 Denver, Tattered Cover  (Colfax store) 7pm
11/13 Seattle, Third Place Books (Lake Forest Park store) 6pm
11/14 Portland, Powell’s  (Burnside store) 4pm
12/1 San Francisco, Books Inc.  (Opera store) 7pm
12/2 Corte Madera, Book Passage 7pm
12/4 Santa Cruz, Bookshop Santa Cruz 7pm
12/6 Los Angeles, Vroman’s 4pm
12/7 Tempe Changing Hands 7pm

(You can preorder my book at any of the above places.  I’m pretty sure that supporting independent bookstores – especially ones that host dangerously strange authors and their friends – gives you extra karma points in your next life.)

Please come.  Say you’ll come.  I can’t do this alone.

I’m working on a few other things that might work for you if none of those cities do so I’ll keep you posted.  Do you want an autographed copy of FURIOUSLY HAPPY right now?  Me too, but I don’t have one.  But leave a comment and if you’re selected I will send you one for free in September.  I’m totally good for it.  Or I’ll give you a signed copy of my last book right now if you’d rather have that.  Your choice.  Just tell me in the comments.  I’m totally flexible.

PS.  For real, I may need a sofa and some cats.  Or a bag of hedgehogs and some tater tots.  Depends on my plans.  I’ll keep you posted.

PPS.  Are you asking yourself “When did she write a new book?  Who is that raccoon?  Where even am I?” then you need to start here.  It’s fine.  We’ll wait.

 

UPDATED: Am I just stupid? Is this a trick question?

I was checking over Hailey’s math homework this morning and she’d left one blank because she said there wasn’t a good answer and I told her that there is always a good answer in 4th grade and then I looked at the question and my brain melted a little and she was like, “SEE?  4TH GRADE IS TRYING TO KILL ME.”

Am I just stupid?  Is there a clearer answer to this?

math homework

 

UPDATED:  First off, I apologize for making you do math word problems and I love that you stuck around and answered them so brilliantly.  Secondly, I asked Pearson (the company that wrote the question) what the answer is but I think they’re avoiding me.  Probably because they don’t know the answer either.  Hailey’s teacher, however, just answered my email asking what the answer is and she says:

” Rudy made $40 minus $3 bus fare, so profit is $37 for Sadie and he made all $45 for Chad with no expenses.”

I’m tempted to respond with “Who is Rudy?  And why do Sadie and Chad need so many piano teachers?” but then I realized that this poor woman is answering a ridiculous parent’s math questions at 10pm on a school night and now I just feel bad and want to send her flowers.  Or piano lessons.  Those seem popular all of a sudden.

I love your funny face. #WERUINEVERYTHING

So!  Last week my friend Maile and I went to the Mom 2.0 Summit and it was quite lovely but we decided that instead of posting the typical conference selfies we should change things up a bit and post the most unflattering pictures we could possibly take.  We did the first one on the plane and it was so ridiculous that even instagram wouldn’t post it.  It might have been a glitch but we assumed it was instagram saying, “No.  You don’t mean to post this. Have you been drinking again?  We’re cutting you off until you come to your senses.”  But we had no senses to come to and we couldn’t stop laughing at the picture and so we shared  it on twitter.

Then when we landed we found out that the picture was shared so much that it was the very thing that got the conference hashtag trending.  So…yeah.

funny faces2

This is the point when I had to apologize to the conference organizers but they didn’t care because I’ve known them for 10 years so they knew what to expect of me.  Which is “very little“.  This is one advantage of having a terrible reputation.

What was nice though was that although it was a little terrifying publishing such a horrific picture it was actually also surprisingly freeing.  No matter what photo we found ourselves tagged in that week we were guaranteed that it couldn’t be any worse than what we’d shared ourselves.  Even if someone intentionally posted something terrible we could say, “No. Sorry.  We did it worse already.”  Plus, we automatically looked much better in person because we’d set up people to assume we look like giant thumbs or penises.

I was presenting an Iris Award at the conference and mostly I just hid backstage and made Andrew McCarthy uncomfortable by sitting cross-legged on the floor and staring at him, but on the way in we had to take red carpet pictures and we’d decided that there were already too many pretty people there so instead we’d just do inappropriate poses until they asked us to leave.

And that’s how you do a red carpet.  Deep, royal curtsies.  #WE RUIN EVERYTHING:

curtsey

From Maile : “You so win curtsy-ing. I look like a bear trying to find a hole to poop in.”

Other flattering red carpet poses: the 1930’s Muscle Men:

muscle men

 …And the eternally classic we-just-found-a-dead-body red carpet pose.  Always elegant.

dead body

It only took a few minutes before they gave up and shooed us off but we still had more to give.  This is my favorite and I literally laugh out loud every single time I look at it.

I like this one because it looks like Maile is my shy little sister who seldom leaves her closet and also that we share an arm.

I like this one because it looks like Maile is my shy little sister who almost never leaves the basement we live in, and also that we share an arm.

I did manage to take one good picture as I ran out to the nerd bus (which we self-named because we were the first people to hurry back to the hotel while everyone else started dancing) and that was a picture of my using Andrew McCarthy as a coaster.  Not even intentional, y’all.  I can’t take a good picture even when I’m trying.  Please contact me, Mr. McCarthy, with your dry cleaning bill.

me: I LOVED YOU IN MANNEQUIN.  Him:  Marry me.  (Only one of these things was said out loud.)

me: I LOVED YOU IN MANNEQUIN. Him: MARRY ME. (Only one of these things was actually said out loud.)

Point is, posting a terrible photo of yourself making ridiculous faces is fantastic.  And hilarious.  And incredibly freeing.  I encourage you to do it yourself.  Share it in the comments.  Send it to your friends.  Post it on instagram.  Relive those moments when your mother would say “YOUR FACE WILL FREEZE LIKE THAT” while you and your sister laugh hysterically as you lick the car windows and make pig noses at the people driving in the next lane.  Honestly, I cannot recommend it enough.

UPDATED:  Everyone and their cat is doing that website where you upload your photo and the computer tells you how old you look so I decided to try it:

how old

 

Oh, you flatterer.

Yes, that was totally the rabbit I was thinking of.

I always feel sorry for magician doing tricks for people with ADD because whenever I’m off my meds and I’m watching magic I always get distracted and forget what’s going on halfway through, and then the magician reaches into his hat and there’s a rabbit in there and I think, “Wait.  Was there not a rabbit there before? Because I honestly don’t remember how this started.” So I just pretend to be impressed and hope that that was the trick.

Basically, I’m like those serial killers who don’t feel emotions so they just become really good actors so people won’t suspect they’re psychopaths. Except instead of plotting murders I’m just hoping that the magician doesn’t ask me to pick a card because there’s no way I’ll remember it and I’ll just say “Yes, that was totally my card” no matter what. Magicians are wasted on me.  We should probably set up really terrible magicians with very easily distracted people and then everyone will be happy.

 ************

And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by my talented friends from UnPodcast: The Business Podcast for the Fed-Up.  It is awesome, entertaining and it is free.  The only way it could be better is if it also increased your metabolism and made you a mojito.  Which it might do.  Hard to tell.  Listen to it while you work.  I highly recommend. 

She’s much better at drawing cats now. About the same with Hitlers though.

I wrote this over a year ago but I never published it because it got lost in my draft folder, but I’ve been recovering from food poisoning and I’m at that woozy stage where I think everything is funny or horrible and I’m pretty sure this is both.  

Conversation with Victor (and Hailey):

Me: Did you see what your daughter made?

Victor: No, but I already resent what you’re implying.

Me: I haven’t said anything bad yet.

Victor: Well, you called her “your daughter”.  I see where this is headed and I don’t like it.  You only call her my daughter when she breaks something.

Me: Not true.  She’s my daughter when she sets something on fire, or when she runs into a wall that’s always been there.  She’s your daughter when she does things I’d never do. So guess what your daughter did?

Victor: She left the toilet seat up?

Me: Nope.  Genocide.

Victor: Um…what?

Me: Or “promoted” genocide, I guess?  I don’t want to jump to conclusions.  I’m just saying that it’s a slippery slope and I’m concerned.

Victor: No. Start over.  Make sense this time.

Me: Fine. Your daughter made this at school:

hitler and friend

Victor: A lunch-sack puppet?

Me: OF HITLER.

Victor: What…?  It’s not…  Well.  It does look a little like Hitler.

me: No, it looks a lot like Hitler.

Victor: Hitler doesn’t strike me as a waver.

Me: Maybe he’s Heiling.

Victor: What?

Me: Or whatever the active verb for “heil” is.  I DON’T KNOW THE VERB TENSES FOR THE THIRD REICH, VICTOR.

Victor:  Right. So did you ask her if it was Hitler?

Me: She said it was a man they read about in school but she couldn’t remember his name.

Victor: Why is there a cat glued on him?

Me: She said that he was lonely and that’s why he was so grumpy, so she made him a cat.

Victor: Well, that does sound like it could be Hitler.

Me: Which is why I’m concerned.

Victor: Did Hitler even own cats?

Me: Already ahead of you. According to the Internet he did have a cat, but then he ate it..

Victor: Hitler ate his cat?

Me: Well, apparently. I googled “Did Hitler have a cat?” and the internet said this:

I wouldnt put it past him

Victor: You wrote that answer yourself, didn’t you?

Me: No, and now I don’t like what you’re implying. Anyway, Hitler was a mass-murdering asshole so I don’t think it’s entirely outside the realm of possibility that the man ate a few cats in his time.

Victor: Hailey, can you come to the kitchen?

Hailey: Yep?

Victor: Is this Hitler?

Hailey: What?

Me: Answer your father, sweetie. Is this puppet of Hitler, and did you make him this cat to eat?

Victor: ENOUGH WITH THE CAT EATING, JENNY.

Hailey: That’s Mr. Putter. He likes trains and cakes.

Me: Cakes made of cats?

Victor: Drop it.

Hailey: I don’t know who Hitler is. That’s Mr. Putter from the Mr. Putter books. He doesn’t eat cats.

Me: Good. And you know it’s never okay to eat cats, right?

Hailey: Uh…yeah?

Me: And genocide. That’s frowned upon too.

Hailey: Huh?

Victor: Okay, I think that’s enough for today.

Me: Well, I think this is a teachable moment.

Victor: Well, I think she can wait until she’s nine to learn not to commit genocide.

Me: Fine. But just remember this if it comes back to bite us later.

Victor: Because she might dabble in genocide before she turns nine?

Hailey: What’s a genderside?

Me: Nothing important, apparently. I’ll just add it to the list of things to tell you when you’re older. “Menstruation and Genocide.” That’s gonna be one hell of a talk.

Hailey: You guys are weird.

And that’s how we decided (as a parenting unit) that we would wait until Hailey was nine before we taught her about genocide and why it’s not okay to eat cats.

Because, apparently, that’s just good parenting.

PS.  I just looked up this Mr. Putter character and apparently there’s a whole series of books about him.  And – I shit you not – this is one:

Full circle, y’all.

Don’t yell at me. I’m weak and fragile.

I’ve been sick as a dog for days and this post might not make sense because I’m still dehydrated and loopy.  If it makes you mad you should blame the bad chicken salad I ate.  I know I do.

The difference between men and women:

me: I feel almost human for the first time in 48 hours.

Victor:  Thank goodness.

Me:  And I literally lost two pounds...just by throwing up.

Victor: You sound unsettlingly excited about having had food poisoning.

me: Well, I think maybe that’s the difference between men and women.  Women are more optimistic.  About food poisoning.

Victor:  I think you have a problem.

me:  I did have a problem.  It was severe vomiting.  And it made me lose two pounds.  That’s optimism, Victor.

Victor:  That’s an eating disorder.

me:  It might be both.

 ************

And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

madebyroundtablecompanies 2

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Blue Lizard Australian® Sunscreen. They’re one of the top sunscreens and delivers clinically proven, broad-spectrum UVA and UVB protection in a SPF 30+ formulation. From them: “Our patented BPA-free Smart Bottle™ changes color in the presence of harmful UV rays, reminding you to apply sunscreen.  Baby & Sensitive are paraben-free, chemical-free and fragrance-free. Face is also oil-free and all formulations are mineral-based containing Zinc Oxide. Sport & Regular are extremely water resistant, staying on in 240 minutes of whirlpool water. Blue Lizard is the brand most recommended by pediatricians, dermatologists, pharmacists, and moms nationwide.”  You should buy some lotion and rub it on your skin. Not in a serial killer way.  Just the opposite, in fact.  (Use the code P20BLOGG for 20% off orders over $35.)

Broken and Magical

Remember this week when I talked about Geraldo the Giraffe and a bunch of you encouraged me to make a kickstarter so I could buy him?  Well, I can’t do that because it feels selfish to have people buy me a giant metal giraffe.  Mostly because yesterday I bought something so awesome that it makes my heart hurt and I really want to show it to you but I also want to surprise you because that will make Victor less likely to cancel all of my credit cards before the payment goes through.  Here’s a hint though…it looks like something straight out of Narnia.  AND IT IS MAGICAL.

And speaking of magical, a lot of you asked for this.

All the best people are.

All the best people are.

If you buy one I promise that all profits will go to buying incredibly stupid and ridiculous things that will make people laugh and also make them extremely thankful they don’t live with me.  Or if you want to make your own with glittery puff-paint, do that.  That’s the awesome thing about being magical.  Magical people make great t-shirts.  Plus, even if the t-shirt looks fucked up it still works because it’s (un)intentionally broken.

PS. I’m taking my kid on a weekend mother-daughter camping trip because she insisted it would make for great bonding and that I need to get out of the house more.  We’re assigned to stay in a cabin with strangers next to a lake.  All I can think of is serial killer movies.  I’m bringing my own self-defense axe.

PPS. She just told me they also have kayaking.  I think I prefer serial killers.

Geraldo the Giant Giraffe

Occasionally I visit the same store where years ago I bought Beyoncé the Giant Metal Chicken.  Usually it’s all pillows and dog toys and wicker baskets.  Sometimes you’ll find a largish metal lobster and once there was a full-sized horse made of wine corks and sticks, but it’s never anything that really screams, “HEY, I’M FUCKING INSANE“.

Until today.

Oh, helloooo.

Oh, helloooo.

He was magnificent, but even on clearance he was way out of my price range.  I tried to convince the clerk that they should sell me the 11 foot giraffe for half the asking price but he was having none of it.  I argued that I’d bought a metal chicken half that size for one fifth of that price but he acted like math wasn’t relevant.  “THIS IS HIGHWAY ROBBERY” I may have yelled.  I pointed out that the giant giraffe was leading the eyes of customers up to a water stain in the ceiling but the clerk just shrugged and said you can’t haggle in a department store.  I was like “YOU CAN’T HAGGLE IN A DEPARTMENT STORE” and I guess he didn’t understand that he was being challenged because he was all, “Yeah.  That’s what I just said.”

The sadness of a giraffe in captivity.

The sadness of a giraffe in captivity.

I considered accidentally falling into the giraffe so that it would be dented and get discounted even more but I was afraid he would knock over other stuff and all of the displays would fall like dominoes, trapping innocent shoppers.  And also, I’m not up-to-date on my tetanus shot.  And also he was really heavy and I could only lift one giraffe leg before the manager came and said “Can I help you. ma’am?”  But he didn’t want to help me topple the giraffe or barter for it so I guess the answer is that no, no one can help me.  

Also I felt torn because there were two of them and I didn’t really want to split up a family.  You’d have to though because who needs two giant metal giraffes?  That’s just hoarding.

Oh, helloooo.

“Victor, I bought us new bookends.”

I told Victor that if I had Geraldo (with a hard G) Giraffe I could use him whenever I needed to change out lightbulbs and couldn’t find a ladder.  But he didn’t look entirely sturdy so I’d need Victor’s help.  I’d be like, “Hey, I need you to hold the giraffe so I can reach the crystal chandelier” and then Victor pointed out that we don’t even have a chandelier and I was like “Exactly.  And we can spend all the money we didn’t spend on the chandelier we don’t have on this giraffe.”  Victor did not agree because he doesn’t understand how money works.

Frankly, I was surprised the store still had two giraffes in stock but the clerk told me that they were the only giraffes they had and none had been sold.  I nodded and explained that it was probably because having two of them displayed together made them seem less special.  Like having the Hope Diamond next to a Hope Diamond Junior.  So technically the store should have let me buy the biggest one for a cheaper price because then it would be easier for them to sell the smaller giant giraffe because the person who bought the next one would be like “I JUST BOUGHT THE BIGGEST GIRAFFE EVER AND NO ONE ELSE HAS ANYTHING LIKE IT” because they didn’t have an eleven foot giraffe to compare it to.  I’d be doing that person a favor because you shouldn’t feel embarrassed about buying an 8 foot giraffe, but if you have a 11 foot giraffe next to it that’s just inevitable.

It seemed like it would be worth it just to see the clerks have to carry an eleven foot giraffe out of the store and strap it to the hood of my car.  Victor disagreed and started yelling about me “scratching the paint” but obviously I’d wrap the giraffe with towels first so it wouldn’t scratch the paint of the giraffe.  I’m not stupid, Victor.  But then he said I was missing the point and I guess the point is that he doesn’t want me to buy towels.

But it didn’t matter because  they wouldn’t give me a discount and I’m not paying $500 for a giraffe that isn’t at least on wheels so I can take it for walks.  I’m too selfish.  Much like the people at this store apparently.   

I argued that “you should let me have these giraffes cheaper because then you’ll have more room for more giraffes.  Think about how many giant metal giraffes corporate will send you when they see you’re finally moving these.  Next month you might get a life-sized t-rex.  Or a metal full-sized oil rig.  Or a metal version of this store filled with metal pillows and metal dog toys and metal wicker baskets.”  Then the clerk just sort of looked at me like, “My God, she’s right.”  Victor said his look was more like, “Holy shit, I’m going to have price these fuckers even more.  Someone get me a sharpie so I can add a few zeros.”

So, no, I haven’t bought Geraldo yet, but I did invest in a bag of defective unicorns and Victor was all “You just LEAK money” but I pointed out that these unicorns are like 90 cents each.  You can’t even buy a coke for 90 cents and these are magical unicorns.  Victor pointed out that they’re broken unicorns, but I’m pretty sure I’m proof that you can be broken and magical all at the same time.

Victor couldn’t argue with that, but he did say I’m not allowed to call anything I buy “an investment” anymore.  We’re agreeing to disagree on that one.

defective unicorns