That’s not how this works.

So a few days ago I shared this picture on twitter:

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…and then a stranger (whose twitter feed was mainly angry rants and vengeful bible quotes) tweeted, “ABORT YOUR DOG”.

And after about 15 seconds of this:

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…I realized I couldn’t stop laughing because it was so ridiculous.

I was confused for a bit but then I figured out that she was yelling at people about abortion all day and then one of those people said something nice about my dog and this lady couldn’t handle it and also couldn’t come up with a better insult than “ABORT YOUR DOG”.  Which just makes me feel sorry for her and also makes me start giggling again because I’m a bad person and I can’t stop laughing at stupid people.  But then I thought, maybe that’s a great insult?  Because how do you even argue with that?  You can’t.  It’s too ridiculous and it makes anyone you’re fighting with pause and just walk away because you’re probably dangerous.   “Abort your dog” is the new “delete your account”.  Thank you, crazy lady.  Abort your dog too.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

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Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

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This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Sleep Styler. which lets you dry and style your hair while you sleep. Before bed simply divide damp hair into sections and wind around the rollers for curly styles or hold flat and parallel to the rollers for straight.  When you wake up, just shake out of your soft, bouncy curls, and go.  The patented rollers are made with absorbent yoga towel fabric that wicks moisture away from the hair while remaining dry to the touch. Inside is soft laser-cut memory foam that conforms to your head while you sleep and the suede-like microfiber polishes the hair smooth.  For the cost of one blowout you can have effortlessly styled and healthy hair every day with The Sleep Styler.  You should check it out here.

Thanksgiving: They can kill you, but they can’t eat you.

Thanksgiving is always stressful and I’m on record as being a big proponent of just celebrating it once every four years (like Leap Year, but better) but no one else ever agrees, so apparently it’s still on.  This year might be more stressful than most because this election is a bit of an open wound/dumpster fire and so many of us spent the last year arguing on Facebook with those relatives you only see at holidays and eventually writing “NONE OF WHAT YOU ARE POSTING ON FACEBOOK IS REMOTELY BASED ON FACT.   PLEASE STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE OR I’M GOING TO TELL YOUR MOTHER.”  And now you have to go see those people in person and it is going to be awkward.  So here’s my advice to you.  Print out all of the reasonable and sane articles you want to share and put them in a big briefcase and as soon as you get there just throw them through a window.  It’ll create a loud, terrible noise to distract people from their stress and it will work just as well at convincing that one crazy motherfucker in your family that they shouldn’t fuck with you.  And – BONUS – now you’re the craziest motherfucker in your family.  The crazy you know (and are -sort of- in control of) is better than the crazy you don’t know.  That’s what I always say.

If that seems too extreme then maybe bring bottle of schnapps and tell everyone that you’re going to take a shot every time someone says something reprehensible.  (Hint: Smashing a window with even the most well-intentioned of briefcases is sort of reprehensible so please have a shot for me.)

Or you could just stay calm and sober and engage in a thoughtful conversation that leads to understanding and compassion and empathy.  That last one sounds like the right answer but – just in case – I’m still bringing my schnapps, several pertinent articles to hand to anyone who picks a fight with me, and a brick to throw through the window because I just realized I don’t even own a briefcase.

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all.  I love you even if I disagree with you.

But none of your damn windows are safe.

PS. I just remembered that Thanksgiving is supposed to be about giving thanks so I’m going to try to turn this around to something more positive.

Things I’m thankful for:

My friends

My family

Bricks

Cats

Schnapps

books

you

Sometimes it’s easier to just burn down your house and start anew.

You know what you should do when your house is messy?  Burn it to the ground and salt the earth so nothing can ever grow there again.  Or just get a second house.

I can’t afford either of those things so instead Hailey and I built a tiny house.  And by “built a tiny house” I mean we went to park and made a house for fairies.  But just the outside because architecture is hard when you’re squatting in what might be poison oak or might just be really itchy leaves you’re allergic to.  Regardless, my house is still a bit messy but at least it’s not built on poison oak or giving me a rash.  So all things considered, things are pretty good.

before

after

AFTER.

Click here for the video tour.

PS. Some of you have asked for a tour of the real, haunted dollhouse I’ve been making for the last 12 years.  Working on it.

Words of comfort and giant squid attacking innocent people on dry land.

Amazon asked me to participate in their round-up of celebrity picks of the best books of 2016 and I suspect they confused me with Jennifer Lawrence but I still did it, although I picked way more than the 3 books that I was supposed to stick with and also I chose books that helped get me through 2016 even if they came out long ago so I broke all their rules and also I ended up not being Jennifer Lawrence.  I am very disappointing.  You can click here to read all about why I picked what I did.  If you’ve read anything that helped you find comfort in this year, feel free to share in the comments.  We could all do with some escape and comfort and magic.

(If you don’t want to go there, here they are: Unmentionable, Discworld, Stolen Things, Let Me Tell You, Akata Witch, Buffering, I’m Judging You, Shades of London, and everything by Jessie Burton and Rainbow Rowell.)

In unrelated news, Victor is in Japan this week and every year he goes there he’ll call on FaceTime and walk around a giant toystore and let Hailey pick out a stuffed animal, which is very surreal because basically I woke her up at midnight in Texas to let her visit a toy store existing in a sunny Japanese afternoon.  She picked a cat in a cloak, but I saw this awesome giant squid and I was all. “BUY THAT NOW” and Victor was like, “This is enormous.  I can’t fit that in my suitcase” and I was like, “Even better!  Because you’ll have to carry it with you on the plane and share a seat with it and you can use it as a pillow.  EVERYONE WINS.” And then he disagreed with me on the the meaning of the word “EVERYONE” but Amazon says I’m a “celebrity” so all bets are off on words and eventually he grumpily but with adorable resignation carried the giant squid and caped cat (and also a tiny slow loris) to the cash register.

I told him he should take Nicole Squidman everywhere and get pictures of her all over Japan and he totally balked but he did take one picture of Nicole Squidman climbing into his hotel window, except that most of the body was hanging out of the window and a breeze came and suddenly a giant squid plummeted nine stories down toward the polite screams of several confused pedestrians.  He considered just walking away from the whole thing but Victor is my personal hero so he went down to rescue Nicole Squidman and explained to the doorman who was holding her that his wife is insane and that she made this happen even though she’s in Texas right now.  I suspect that no matter how great Victor’s Japanese is the doorman suspected that he was using all of the wrong words, but regardless, Nicole Squidman is alive (ish) and well.

Technology is kind of amazing, y’all.

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I’m barely moving and that’s just fine.

I’m working through this depression and finding more and more days where I’m  feeling human.  (WHOOOT!)  Today is one of those days and it’s an incredible change from the one I had yesterday when Hailey came down for breakfast and was like, “Why are you laying on the kitchen floor?” and it seems pathetic to say I was too tired to sit on a chair, so instead I was like, “I’m doing the mannequin challenge” and Hailey was all, “I don’t think that’s how that works” but I was like, “Agree to disagree.  I’M NAILING IT.”

Whenever I have days where my mind and body shut down I draw.  Last week  when I shared a drawing I was working on (and the furry person keeping me from completing it)  people asked how I’d made such perfect circles and the truth is that I use whatever I have on hand to trace the shapes I need.

Last year when I was on book tour someone gave me a ring with “NEVER GIVE UP” engraved on it to remind me that I’d helped save them, and to remind me that I was needed even when broken.  A few days later someone in line told me they were struggling and I handed her the ring that had comforted me.  And the world goes round and round.  And then I  had Victor buy a dozen more and send them to me on tour and every day I’d wear one and if I thought someone needed a reminder I’d give my ring to someone who was struggling or who was celebrating surviving but scared of the future.  I’m still wearing my last one.  And it’s what I used to make a lot of those circles.

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Fitting.

PS. I really am fantastic at the Mannequin Challenge.  I can literally do it in my sleep.  In fact, that’s where I do it best.

Frankly, it’s not that much more ridiculous than a lot of the stuff on I’ve written on twitter before.

Social media is hard as shit right now because everyone is mad and I get it.  There are small reprieves like the Biden memes and otter videos, but mostly it feels a bit scary to writing anything on twitter and Facebook and that’s why today I decided to use YES,THAT CAN BE MY NEXT TWEET to let that website decide what I would probably say today based on my history.  Here are a few of the suggestions that YES THAT CAN BE MY NEXT TWEET gave me to share, and they were incredibly ridiculous and also embarrassingly accurate sometimes.

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Not entirely out of character, if I’m being honest.

Let’s try again.

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Okay.

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Hmm.

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TOTALLY.  Wait, no.  Is this sexual?


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I like that there’s a question mark.  Like I’m sort of sure it’s flammable but I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt.

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Seems like I’m just under-reacting at this point.

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So maybe the question marks were too optimistic.  Sorry.  I’m hiding under the idea of the future.

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Seems like a good idea if everything is on fire.

A few other tweet suggestions it gave me:

I SMELL LIKE I WAS JUST GROWLED AT.

TODAY IS CANCELLED AND FULL OF HOT GOAT HAIR.

THIS IS THE WORST POTPOURRI.

WE NEED A SACRIFICE TO MAKE THINGS WORSE.

I HAVE RUINED MY PROBLEMS.

HEY, SORRY I HAVE CARPET BURNS.  ALTHOUGH TECHNICALLY WE ALL PAINTED PART OF THOSE GENITALS.

GOATS HAVE DAVID SEDARIS TIED UP.

5 YEARS AGO: ME, A DICK, DEPRESSION.

APPARENTLY I’M MAKING WIGS WITH FERRETS.

2AM SUDDEN DUCK BUTT!  THE CATS WERE BEFUDDLED.

TODAY IS NOTHING AND I’M SO EVERYTHING.

LADIES AND NEAR-VELOCIRAPTORS: NO ONE’S TAKING AWAY OUR TREBUCHET.  FOUND MY CAT!

MY NAME’S LARRY.  YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING.  MAGIC IS NICER THAN MY PAJAMAS.

DID YOU ACCIDENTALLY OPEN A GOOD DUCK?  I’M GOING TO!  OOH, PRETTY!

I DRESS UP AND I’M…JESUS.

YES, I AM A TERRIBLE MESS.  THIS IS A RABID BEAR.

WHAT IN MY CAT WAS INVISIBLE BEFORE?

DUCKS.  MOTHERFUCKER.

SMELLS LIKE THEY’RE BALD DOWN THERE, RIGHT?

EVERYTHING WILL DRESS UP AND BE OKAY.

I SAW A DEMON.  THIS GUY HAS ZERO CHILL.

VICTOR FUCKED SHIT UP IN THE DEMON.  MAKE TINY MERKINS INSTEAD.

I’VE BEEN LANDING INSIDE THE BEST PEOPLE.  YOU SEEN MY STABBING KNIFE?

OCTOBER MEANS DOGS IN MIXED POLITICAL MARRIAGES WHO DON’T HAVE ANY MOTIVATIONAL BOOKS.

THIS IS THE MOST HEAVILY EDITED P0RN I’VE EVERY GLUED MYSELF TO.

VICTOR: WHAT THE FACE?

THE 2AM SUDDEN DUCK NEEDS A SEX DUNGEON.  I’M IN BED WITH SUPER GLUE.  NO CONTEXT NEEDED.

HELLO FRIEND.  BREATHE.  I SMELL REAL NICE.  I AM NOT BALLS.

Your turn.

So where do we go from here?

This post peppered with medicinal kittens because smarter people are writing better things so I’m doing this instead.

This was a lot of us the night of the election:

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If you’re like me you’ve been spending the last days feeling helpless and uncertain what to do.

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Some things are easy, like donating to causes that you feel are important and might get left behind.  Some are harder, like reaching out to people who are hurting even if you don’t know how to help and are afraid you’ll fuck it all up and make it worse.

A lot of us keep getting stuck in that place where we hate humanity and are ready to become hermits.

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Things feel upside down and scary.  Your emotions are valid.  It’s okay to be angry or scared or freaked out for yourself or for people you love.

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Practice self-care.  Take a walk.  Do some art.  Sit in the grass and drink a booze-slushie.  Read a book.  Watch Doctor Who.  Avoid the internet when it gets to be too much.

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There’s some crazy-ass bullshit out there and the craziest bullshit has the loudest voice.  Do not engage the crazy people.  Someone calling you the c word is not someone to be reasoned with.  Pick your battles.  There will be plenty.

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It’s going to hurt for awhile.  So much so that you might not have the strength to help yourself.  Ask for help.  You aren’t alone.  Sometimes you need help to pull yourself off the train tracks, and sometimes you’ll be the person pulling someone else off.  This is how we survive.

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Look for goodness.  There are so many people posting loving and caring responses or who are there to give hugs and protection.  There are so many more than you think.  Look for those glimmers of light.

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We may disagree on many things but I feel confident that anyone who is a member of this community wants safety, equality, justice and happiness for every minority group that is afraid today.  This is a safe place and that is a needed thing.  Thank you for providing that.

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There are serious problems in the world today and writing a post filled with kitten gifs is fucking ridiculous.  But ridiculous is what I do best.  And kittens are the closest thing we have to medicinal marijuana in Texas so I’m working with what I have.

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Once you feel better though it will be time to turn your hand to making things better in a world that seems more divided than it ever has been.   Maybe it’s just smiling at everyone you meet.  Maybe it’s paying for the person behind you in the Starbucks drive-thru.  Maybe it’s donating to charities and organizations that help others who are struggling.  Maybe it’s just not screaming at people even though you really want to.  Maybe it’s letting people scream at you because you know they need space to vent.  Maybe it’s adopting a rescue animal and hiding away until you feel strong again, or volunteering at a hospital or homeless shelter.  Maybe it’s talking to your kids to ask if they’ve heard anyone being particularly cruel at school lately and making sure they know how to deal with it and how to report it.  Maybe it’s just ignoring this post and not writing something hateful about it even though you really, really want to.  Maybe it’s forgiving others or yourself.  Maybe it’s just continuing to breathe and not hurt yourself or others.  Those are all big things.

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Whatever it is, I’m grateful.  It starts small.  It starts with us.  Me and you.

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PS. Back to non-political stuff next week.  Promise.  Also, my last post was political and had over 400 comments and so far they are overwhelmingly compassionate and empathetic and encouraging.  That’s a small miracle, you guys, but it’s one we keep pulling off.  Thank you for being amazing and being a safe place for so many of us.

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PPS.  Happy Veterans Day.  Thank you to all those who serve to protect us.  I hope we can protect you right back.

It’s going to be okay.

UPDATED: It’s the morning after now and I feel like I got hit with a truck.  But what I said in this post is still valid and I stand behind it.  I’m updating this post though with a very helpful comment was left on my last Facebook post and I’m sharing it here in case you need it: “For those who could use some support, text 741741. Free, confidential, anonymous. There may be some slower response times than the usual < 5 minutes, but crisis counselors are doing an amazing job responding to such a huge influx. LGBTQ, people of color, assault survivors, differently abled, other religions – ANYONE feeling overwhelmed about what this means for you? Feeling alone, anxious, maybe even in despair? There is help. Sending you love. Just in case anyone reading this needs help tonight or another night.”

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It’s election day morning and I’ve thought a lot about what to write here.  I’ve rewritten it a dozen times.  If you read here you already know I’m super liberal so you can probably guess who I voted for.  If you’re like me (even if you voted for the person I despise) you’ve watched each debate and ad and tweet and endless, crazy bullshit and you feel an incredible amount of anxiety over what will happen today.  I feel it too.  And the thing I most want to hear right now is the thing I’m telling you.

We’re going to be okay.

We will. Because no matter who wins and no matter who you voted for you will still have the opportunity to fight each day for what you want to see in the world.  Fight for justice or kindness or acceptance or love or equality or whatever it is that is still lacking.  You will not fight alone. You still make a difference. In some cases you make more of a difference than a President ever will. Either way, you’ll be needed tomorrow (and every day after) to promote joy and love and grace even if you’re tired.  You will be better for it and so will the world.

We’re going to be okay. Even if the next President ends up being a sack full of sick ferrets we will be okay. We will still have our family. We will still have love. We will still have people fighting for what they believe in. We will have a better understanding of who we are as people and how we need to get better. We will have a better understanding of our capacity for love and for fear. We will have parties who know that their secrets are never really secret and that they need to be better. That benefits us all.  We will have seen disgusting behavior exposed so our children know what is and is not okay. We will have seen how easy it is to spread lies. We will have proof for our children that anybody (No, really…ANYBODY) can be President. We will have hard conversations at family dinners where we change minds and hearts and sometimes find our own changed and challenged. We will do it softly or we will do it loudly but we will not stop because we are Americans and it is our constitutional right to sometimes be stupid assholes and sometimes be noble and selfless and most of the time be a bit of both. We will have a reason to fight harder for what we believe in, and a reason to choose a good fight…one that makes a difference in positive ways for all of us. And that’s what America is all about.

Even during the darkest parts of history you can look back and see the glimmers of goodness shining through, and the light winning over, and the unlikely heroes being made, and the people becoming sharper and stronger and more clearly defining who they are and what they stand for, because they had no other choice but to choose. And that is necessary. It is hard. It is terrible. It is scary. It is beautiful. It is all of those at once but turned up to eleven. And that is us. And no matter what happens on election day, we will be okay. We will still be us. We will still be imperfect and flawed and good and bad and scared and brave and we will have so many more opportunities to become better than we are. To maybe even be better than okay. To maybe one day be great.

But until that day comes…we’re going to be okay.

I promise.

PS. If I could limit comments to just the usual readers then I know they would be funny and kind and compassionate, but I suspect this might get attention from people outside of this community so maybe skip the comments here for once. Or if you see people being shitty in the comment section about me or you or whoever it is you’re voting for just ignore them. Let them vent. Yelling into the void in my comment section might let them blow off the steam they need so they don’t take it out on their family or friends, and that is a good thing. Ignoring it and still beaming out love (or at least a good, Southern “Oh, bless their stupid hearts”) is your selfless act for the day. Because like it or not, we’re all in this together.

You need this today. For real.

I had a post written about election day but I’m not sure I’m going to post it because it’ll probably piss some people off and I’m not sure I want to deal with that so instead I’m going to think on it for today and post this because it made me laugh so hard I scared the lady at the drive-thru this morning.  Worth it.

This guy photoshops himself into the Kardashian’s instagram photos and it is made of magic.  The captions make it even better.  Click here and be sure to read the captions.  You need this today.

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Victor knows me very well and also doesn’t know me at all.

So yesterday Victor flew back home early because my favorite portrait artist ever was having an special artist talk in Austin and he wanted to take me to it, and I was like, “I LOVE HER.  But I don’t want to leave the house and I’m afraid of small talk and can we just skip this party and go see her art next week when there aren’t a ton of people at the gallery?” and he was like, “No.  Stop being weird.  We’re leaving the house and seeing real people” so I was like, “Fine.  But I’m hiding in the back and I’m not wearing makeup or dressing up so I can blend in with the walls.”  And then we get there and when I walk in I see the artist (Sara Scribner) and she’s in the middle of a talk with all these people and she waves at me and I notice people staring at me even more than normal and I was like, “Am I bleeding?  Is there a bird in my hair?” and I’m trying to blend back into a corner and Victor keeps staring at me and I was like, “WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?” but I did it with my eyes because I didn’t want to talk out loud and then I looked over and saw me on the wall and I was like, WTF?

Um. Is that me?

Um.What.

And I thought, “Hang on.  Is that a portrait of me on a gallery wall?” Because it totally looks like me when my friend Maile did a photo shoot of me a few years ago but then I was like, Why would I be in a portrait?  That can’t be me.  MY GOD, JENNY, YOU ARE SUCH A NARCISSIST.  But turns out it was me because Victor contacted Sara and commissioned her to do the painting to surprise me.  And it was awesome and lovely because my favorite portrait artist did my portrait, but also, I was living that moment when you try to hide from everyone at a party that I was too scared to go to and then I find a painting of me in a spotlight, which is exactly the opposite of hiding at an art show.  And I told Victor thank you, and that he really knew me and also didn’t fucking know me at all and he agreed.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.