UPDATED: Hey. You there. You probably need this.

Hey there.  You.

It seems like everyone I know is having a really rough month.  Me too.  But things are going to be okay.  Promise.  October is right around the corner.

Until then, here’s a kitten meeting a donkey for the first time.

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The only way this could be more adorable would be if Benedict Cumberbatch was riding the donkey, while hugging a sloth, who was giving a hedgehog a bath.

UPDATED:  My extremely talented friend, Darth, just sent me this:

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Granted, it sort of looks like Benedict Cumberbatch is making a tossed salad of sloths and hedgehogs while his donkey eats a kitten, but somehow it still makes me incredibly happy.

See, world.  It doesn’t take much.

How did this happen?

Happy birthday, Hailey.  You are our sunshine.

mygirl

Now please stop growing up so quickly or I will be forced to freeze you in carbonite, like a tiny Han Solo.  And this is the first year that you will totally get that joke and you will make another, far more obscure joke about Clone Wars and I won’t get it at all, and you’ll give me that look like, “Aw.  Old people are adorable.  Bless your heart.”  And I will still love you because you’re amazing.  But I’ll also be stockpiling the carbonite.

You’ve been warned, my sweet girl.

Rescue an animal. Let an animal rescue you.

My friend Anne is heavily involved in helping rescue animals and each year she makes a calendar of people with their adopted pets to give as a “thank-you” to anyone who donates at least $40 to Team Wheaton to help fund the Pasadena Humane Society & SPCA.

This year I’m in the calendar.  And more importantly, Ferris Mewler, Hunter S. Thomcat, Beyonce and Copernicus are in it.  (Plus actual famous people and their adopted pets.  See the video.)

pets

Here’s what it looks like:

If you want one, just donate $40 here.  It’s 100% tax deductible.

Hunter was fairly relaxed and okay with being held during the shoot at my house.  Ferris, on the other hand, bit me.  Like, literally, he bit me on the other hand.  Go to the 1:08 mark for proof.  He also kept jumping out of the shot so Victor hid behind the chair and petted him to keep him from running.  It was a team effort that ended up with minor blood-shed.

But it made for a good shot.

So go make a donation if you can.  Or go to your local shelter and snuggle the cats, or volunteer to take the dogs for walks, or drop off all of your old towels and blankets for them.  And then fall in love with these little faces and let them rescue you like you’ve rescued them.

Don't they look happy?  Answer: Yes.  If "happy" means "bitey and a little confused."

Don’t they look happy? Answer: Yes. If “happy” means “bitey and a little confused.”

PS. Below are just a few pets up for adoption at one of my favorite no-kill shelters (Austin Pets Alive).  If you adopt any of the ones pictured below I’ll pay the adoption fee myself.

pets adoption

I am the suspicious activity on my account.

For the last couple of years our credit/debit card has been cancelled over and over because of “suspicious activity.”  I never know that my card been cancelled until my card is turned down by an uncomfortable cashier, and that’s always nice because it’s such a great self-esteem booster when your card gets declined at the drugstore when you’re buying toilet paper and milk.

The really crappy thing is that 90% of the time the suspicious activity on my account is me.  You’re protecting me from me.  Yes, strangely-judgmental-bank, I’m the one buying tiny cat wigs from Asia, and taxidermied pegasuses, and giant metal chickens.  And then I go to buy a two-head bob-cat and my card gets declined I have to get on the phone to explain to the bank that I’m the one who bought a box full of cobra and that I don’t appreciate their implied criticisms, and then they say that they’re very sorry but that they’ve already cancelled the card and I’ll have to wait until they mail me a new one.

This would be fine if I had another credit card to use, but I don’t because I don’t want to have to pay fees on a credit card when I should just be able to use my debit card for everything if it wasn’t constantly being cancelled.  At this point I’m considering calling my bank every day with notes like, “I am currently looking for infant-sized Wolverine gloves, so please don’t cancel that transaction that when it happens.  PLEASE STOP JUDGING ME, First-National-Bank-of-Canceling-My-Shit.”  (To clarify:  I need tiny gloves with sharp knives sticking out of them, which would make a baby look like she’s Wolverine from the X-Men.  Not gloves that would allow babies to handle wild wolverines.  That would be fucked up.)

Frankly, if I had a dollar for every time my credit card got canceled I wouldn’t even need a credit card because I could live off all those dollars.  Which I guess I would just stuff in my mattress because my bank would just hold all those dollars hostage as well.

I know they’re trying to protect me, and that’s awesome but it’s getting fucking ridiculous at this point and I’m wondering if it’s just me having to replace my card all the time, or if this is happening to other people too, or if maybe my husband has made a deal with the bank to automatically cancel anything I try to buy that looks awesome.

So, poll time:

 

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And now, time for the weekly wrap-up:

sid

 


Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit that I’m vaguely involved with on the internets:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Crumple + Toss, a bad-ass stationery shop that caters to paper lovers of all kinds.  They are awesome.  From them: “Sure, we got your typical “With deepest sympathy” cards, but we also have “This fucking sucks. I’m sorry” as well. We have wedding cards that say “shit.” We have flowers AND cats. And flamingos. And moose. The fun doesn’t stop with cards with profanity, cats and awkward compliments. C+T also has a shit ton of super awesome notebooks, list pads and stuff. Come see what we gots. You won’t be disappointed.  And if you are, well, that’s your problem.”

“CAT WATERBEDS FOR EVERYONE!” (would probably be my catchphrase.)

This week I was contacted about possibly being next year’s Ziploc spokesperson for upcoming new products.  They were very sweet and asked what my fees would be if I was selected and so I quickly responded in the most professional way possible by clarifying that if the “new products” they’re offering include home-made waterbeds for cat then I expect royalties, because I invented those years ago.

The rest of my response:

I’m almost certain this would be a bad idea so I’m in, but only if Ziploc meets these conditions:

1) My fee of $100,000, or $200,000 worth of Ziploc bags. The Ziploc bags should be filled with $100,000.

2) The cat waterbed must be put into production, or at least a prototype made.

3) I’m going to need a human-sized ziplock bag that I can get in, so I can swim but not get wet. Something with an oxygen tank, preferably.

4) I don’t have a four but I think people take you more seriously when you have a four so I’m just going to leave this here.

Surprisingly, they have not responded.

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Bonus: If you’re too tired to go back and read about cat waterbeds my talented friends made that post into a comic years ago.  They pretty much nailed it.

from taroch vol 2

“Simmer down now” ~ Back-up Buddy Bobcat

Conversation at the thrift store:

me: Dude.  I think I might need that stuffed bobcat.

Victor:  Just keep walking.

me:  Look at his paw.  It’s like he’s saying, “YOU GUYS?  TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH, OK?  JUST SIMMER DOWN.”

Victor:  Hm.

me:  We could carry him around in the trunk and you could pull him out to use as your supportive buddy to help you convince me not to do something stupid.

Victor:  I’m fairly certain that buying that bobcat would send the wrong message.

Ignore the photobomber on the right.

Ignore the photobomber on the right.

Clerk:  I can give you a huge discount on it if you want him.  He’s falling apart.

me:  I just don’t know.  It sort of looks like he wants me to calm down, but it also sort of looks like he’s leaning on an invisible bar.  Like a really shitty mime.

Victor: Do whatever you want.  It’s not that bad.

me:  That’s sort of the problem.  It’s not bad enough.

Clerk:  I’m confused.

Victor:  Welcome to my world, sir.

Ps.  I did not buy the bobcat, but I took a picture of him and then later I thought, “OH MY GOD.  I could put a trucker’s hat on him and call him ‘Little Smokey’ and have him lean out of the car window like ‘Hey there, big mama.  What’s your 10-4?‘ and no one would ever bother me at red lights because who is going to fuck with a girl being defended by her pet bobcat?  No one, that’s who.  But when I went back to the store, the bobcat was sold and I was a little upset, but Victor was all, “Calm down.”  And I was like, “THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT LITTLE SMOKEY WOULD HAVE SAID IF HE WAS HERE.”

And that’s when I learned that the time to buy a used, almost free bobcat is when you see one.  Let that be a lesson to you.

 

Forgive me. I’m only human. Or possibly not even that.

I just tried to leave a comment on someone’s blog, but instead of posting my comment, the blog stopped me and was like, “Not so fast, you.  Are you even human?

areyouhuman

Is this really a problem?  Are there a lot of houseplants and robots trying to leave comments on blogs?  Also, what does this even mean?  Why ask if I’m a human and then give me a weird photo of a wall?  I assumed I was supposed to write the calligraphy on the wall, but when I wrote “B O” it said I wasn’t a human, which is ridiculous because if there’s one thing that humans are good at, it’s at recognizing B.O.

I complained to Victor that computers were judging me for not being human enough and he looked at me like I was insane and said that I need to type in “130”, not “B O”,  and that there must be something wrong with my eyes.  And he’s probably right, but I’m pretty sure that just proves that I’m human because I suspect robots almost never have to get stronger glasses.

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And now, time for the weekly wrap-up:

shit i did


Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit that I’m vaguely involved with on the internets:

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

  • I’ve got nothin’ this week.  This funeral stuff took over my life.  Sorry.  If you have something awesome you’ve seen on the internet, please share.

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by JustGoGirlwhich is a product you need if you’ve ever laughed so hard you peed a little.  Apparently the same thing happens when you run marathons or work out, although I wouldn’t know about that so much.  Basically, it’s a pad designed for athletic leaks, which is a problem that affects 1/3 of all woman.  You totally need to check it out here because people swear by them.