Too much medicine. Not enough. One of those.

Victor:  JENNY.  COME HERE.

me:  No.  I’m sick.  I’m dying.

Victor: You’re not dying.   What happened in here?

me:  I think it’s pretty obvious.  A happy ending happened here.

Victor:  WTF.

me: I don’t know.  I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t stop coughing and they looked lonely and it was 2am and I thought, “Hey.  Look at all these great dead animals going to waste.  Let’s make a family.”

Victor: *

me: I was on a lot of medication.  Or not enough.  I can’t even tell anymore.  But look how happy they are.  Plus, Dorothy Barker is totally into it.  She’s the overly involved Godmother.  Also, she might want to chew on the baby.  Hard to tell with dogs.

Victor: I don’t even know what to say.

me: Say “Congratulations on your beautiful new baby, sirs.”

Victor: I’m not going to say that.

“Never talk to us or our son again.”

PS. 11% less dead than yesterday.  Winning?

WHO LOOKS STUPID NOW?

Still recovering from pneumonia but I’m well enough to look back at the past week and realize how totally sick I was.  I get terrible fever dreams that seem so real they bleed into real life and it’s hard to separate them from reality (is this normal?) and one of the strongest happened Wednesday when I fell asleep reading Ready Player One and Victor woke me up with a “medicine ball” from Starbucks and he tried to explain that it was some drink from their secret menu that he read helps when you’re sick (hot tea, steamed lemonade, honey, heroin probably) and I took it and honestly thought he’d slain some orcs and this potion had dropped when he killed them and I was super impressed for an hour until I fully woke up and realized that I was being crazier than normal.  But I do recommend the medicine ball if you’re sick even though Victor said that he felt like an idiot ordering something that wasn’t on the menu because the baristas always make him feel stupid and what if it was a trick, but then when the barista was like, “Totally.  I can make that” he thought it would be funny to start asking for made-up, nonexistent names of drinks at Starbucks.  Like if he said “Make me a Butthole Surfer” the barista would be confused and then he could say “WHO LOOKS STUPID NOW?” and then they’d be even.  But then the next day he decided to actually do it and he ordered an “Old Wizard’s Beard” in the drive-thru and he said “They asked if I wanted it iced and I just drove off, terrified of what they had back there.”  So, point Starbucks.

Does this make any sense?  Sorry.  I am on a LOT of meds.

In other news, I asked people to share pictures of their finished images from YOU ARE HERE on twitter and I was not disappointed so I put them in a storify right here and now even more are coming in so I’m going to have to do another.  Tag your images with #youarehere if you want to share and I’ll do another round up soon.

I did this one. I’m starting to see the allure of coloring.

Forgive the typos.  I’m still 45% dead.

*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

sid2

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Hippo Hug weighted blankets (I have one and it’s like being hugged by your bed).  From the maker: “Hippo Hug weighted blankets are different than any others that you will find on the market. We use a unique and proprietary weighting system that involves specially designed disks so that they blanket has a low profile and doesn’t look any different than a regular quilt.”  They’re pretty bad-ass.  You should check them out here.

The one where I make it up to you and we get matching tattoos.

Hey.  I’m still sick but I’m like 23% less mostly dead than I was and that is a HUGE improvement.  And for sticking around I’m doing something (two things, technically) fun as a thank you.  You’re welcome.

First is something that my publisher is doing to say thanks….they’re giving away 25 Jenny Lawson In A Box prizes.  I’m not actually in the box (which is good because I am way more trouble than you would expect) but the box will include a copy of my new book YOU ARE HERE, a copy of Furiously Happy, a YOU ARE HERE tote bag, tattoos, colored pencils and whatever else they have laying around the Flatiron building.  This stuff, basically:

Just click RIGHT HERE to enter and have a chance at winning one of the packages.  (No purchase necessary.  They don’t spam you or sell your info, fyi.)

And as a special thank you from me I’m going to give out a bunch of YOU ARE HERE temporary tattoos to a bunch of people who bought a copy of YOU ARE HERE for someone else, because I keep seeing people giving them to friends or family or leaving them in therapy waiting rooms like demented Gideon Bibles and that is so awesome I want to give you something in return, but first I’m going to sign the clear cover on the tats so that you can take it off and slip it into your book and it’s like I signed it.  Or put it on your chest and it’s like I signed that.  Or slide it onto your lease agreement and now we’re roommates.  The choices are endless.

I’m not describing this correctly because cold medicine exists but look at this video and you’ll understand.

I don't have a voice but here's what I'm giving away on my blog today. It'll make sense when you read it. Probably.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on

If you want a chance to win the package go to my publisher’s page here.  If you want a chance to win the signed tattoos just leave a comment telling me if you bought the book as a gift for someone who needed it (it’s okay if the person who needed it was you) and I’ll choose a bunch of people at random to get signed tattoos.  (But you won’t get them until next week at least because I don’t want to send you my germs and end up being Typhoid Mary, part 2.)

PS. Speaking of cold medicine, if you’re not on twitter you missed this.

PPS. I have an app now to keep track of my meds so I don’t accidentally die.  No worries.  Unless my phone runs out of battery.  Then we’re all fucked.

PPPS. I’m too sick to spellcheck.  Forgive me.

Not dead yet.

Hi.

I know.

I’m sorry.

And I’m sorry for saying I’m sorry because I know you know you love me enough to not want me to apologize but that’s just how I roll.

If you’ve been watching twitter you know I’ve been very sick.   I think it’s been a week but I could be wrong and I’m too tired to check.  Atypical pneumonia, which makes sense because when would I ever do anything normally.  I’m not in the hospital but I’m on lots of drugs and bedrest and the last few days have been filled with fever dreams and that depression that creeps in after a long illness.  I have stories but I’m too tired to tell them.  I have plans for fun things about You Are Here but I’m too tired to do them.  I’m sorry.  The first month a book is out is the most important, especially for the strange book that it is, so I know I’m wasting golden time to make sure it gets to people who need to see it but I can’t today.  Maybe tomorrow.  Thank you for having my back, for supporting the book.  Thank you if you have a bookstore and you are giving it space.  Thank you if you are a librarian recommending it to people who seem like one of us.  Thank you if you shared it with others.  Thank you to the whole team of people who helped make it a reality and I’m so sorry I’m not doing better at being here for it.  I am here.  Just…sort of trapped inside my chaotic, unreliable body.  And thank you for never wanting an apology but for understanding when I feel like I have to give one.

I promise that one day soon I’ll be back and we’ll color together and share pictures and I’ll tell stories and give away lovely thank you gifts.

Hugs,

me

PS. An unpretty but honest look behind the curtain.  Click the arrows on the image to scroll through and see my ever-present nursemaid:

If it’s whatever day this is I must be sick.

Today I planned on going over all the craziness of the book tour but I’m postponing for a bit because I’ve come down with a mild case of I-HAVE-THE-PLAGUE-AND-I’M-GOING-TO-DIE.  And I asked Victor to feel my head to see if I have a fever and he was like, “Ew.  No.  Why do you always ask me to touch you when you’re sick?  People like you are the reason why typhoid spread so far” and I was like, “OMG, you are totally over-reacting.  But also, does my urine taste weird?” and then the people behind us at the taco shop moved to another table and that’s how you get privacy.  And also maybe typhoid.

PS. YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds is #2 on the NYT bestseller list.  WHAT.  You did that, y’all.

“I’M NUMBER TWO!” ~ Things I didn’t think I’d scream excitedly in front of strangers until this happened.

PPS.  If you want a signed copy and couldn’t make it to a signing then you can go to Book People’s website and order one.  I’ll drop by and sign books as soon as the plague has passed.  Just write what you want me to personalize in the comment section of their website at checkout.  They ship everywhere.  (And I’ll sign any of my other books too.  Your wish = my command.  Unless your wish is for me to stop asking you to feel my head when I’m sick.  Sorry.  That’s what you signed up for, Victor.)

If it’s Monday this must be California.

Today is the sixth stop on my book tour for YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds and I am in La Jolla, California!

Come see me.  Please?

It’s at 7:30 pm at Warwick’s.

Next stop?  HOME!

Thanks for being with me through this whole tour!

If it’s Thursday this must be New York.

Today is the sixth stop on my book tour for YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds and I am in New York!

Come see me.  Please?

It’s at 7pm at Housing Works.

Next stop?  California!

If it’s Wednesday this must be Pennsylvania.

Today is the fifth stop on my book tour for YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds and I am in Philadelphia!

Come see me.  Please?

It’s at 7pm at Barnes & Noble.

Next stop?  New York City!

If it’s Monday this must be Kentucky.

Today is the fourth stop on my book tour for YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds and I am in Louisville, Kentucky.  They can’t fit us all in the bookstore so it’s going to be at the Tim Faulkner Gallery.  There is a ticket fee since they have to rent a gallery.  Click here for info.

Come see me.  Please?

It’s 7pm at Tim Faulkner Gallery.

Next stop?  Pennsylvania!

If it’s Saturday this must be North Carolina.

Today is the third stop on my book tour for YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds and I am in Raleigh, North Carolina.  Someone told me there’s an entire center just for lemurs nearby.  I’m not sure if it’s a delivery service but if it is I will totally be ordering a medicinal service lemur for the night.

Come see me.  BYOL. (Bring Your Own Lemur.)

This afternoon at 3pm at Quail Ridge Books.

Next stop?  Kentucky!