YOU ARE HERE is here! (Sort of.)

YOU GUYS.  LOOK WHAT JUST CAME IN THE MAIL:

youarehereishere

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!  That was my excited scream.  Sorry.

Less than three weeks until the tour.  It’s almost like it’s real.

PS. Wanna see inside?

Stuff and junk

So yesterday I was sort of in hiding because I either had the flu or I was depressed and I couldn’t tell which and I was hoping for the flu because that usually leaves quicker but then I woke up feeling shitty again this morning and I realized my head was broken so I called my friend and I was like, “I’m broken.  Will you come to my house and watch Drunk History with me so it’s almost like I’m leaving the house but not really?” and she was like, “Hells yeah.  We’re all broken. That shit’s making the rounds, my friend” but then when she came in I sort of saw my house for the first time with new eyes and I was like, “Hey.  So.  I just realized my Christmas tree is still up.  So, that’s happening” and because she’s nonjudgmental she was like, “You should keep that shit up all year.  It’s a lovely night-light” and I was like, “Maybe it’s a Valentine’s Day Tree.  And my valentine is Santa Claus.  Because he’s pretty much the only one on the tree the cats haven’t knocked down.”  And then we watched TV and laughed and the house animals sat in our laps and I felt human again.  So here is to friends who are better than prozac.  Also, she makes bad-ass bags.  And she was in that chapter of my book about how I lost those dead cat koozies in my house.  You know her.

PS.  I’m not drunk.  I’m just not correcting my run-on sentences.

PPS.  I just heard that the paperback copy of Furiously Happy is #4 on the Indie Bestseller List.  Y’ALL.  That is nuts.  People who bought Furiously Happy + people who support independent bookstores = the Venn diagram of people I want to lick on the face.

PPPS.  Speaking of which, I just got 300 pounds of posters that I carried into my house and signed for Independent Bookstore Day and they are LUSCIOUS.  Like, thick, heavy paper that you’d print diplomas on.  If you get one and you have pet allergies you should maybe shake it out a bit because I had help.

thank-you

PPPPS.  If you’re struggling right now too just put on the tv and pretend I’m there with you on the couch.  Because I am.  We all are.

PPPPPS.  Spellcheck just told me that “nonjudgmental” is not a word and it was like “Did you mean to say ‘JUDGEMENTAL’? and no, I didn’t because that’s the opposite of what mean and, by the way, THAT’S NOT EVEN HOW YOU SPELL ‘JUDGMENTAL’, SPELLCHECK.  THIS IS WHY NO ONE LIKES YOU.

screen-shot-2017-02-14-at-4-20-47-pm

it’s in the damn dictionary, spellcheck.  Stop judging me.

Is there supposed to be an extra "e" in there? I don't even know anymore.

Is there supposed to be an extra “e” in there? I don’t even know how to spell anymore.

PPPPPPS.  It also says “koozies” isn’t a real world.  I trust nothing.

And then I was attacked by a thousand rattlesnakes.

Every single night I go walking in the dark with Dorothy Barker because it’s cooler at night and I love the dark.  Hailey comes with me sometimes but she’s always a bit freaked out because she’s unnerved by the dark so we stay on our block.  I always try to teach her that the dark is good because you can hide in it but she thinks I’m nuts.  But last night she was at a sleepover and Victor was out of town so Dottie and I went walking and I was listening to Lore (my new favorite podcast about dark, terrible things) while we walked and this episode was about Elizabeth Báthory who murdered a shitload of people and may have bathed in their blood and I was thinking that it was good that Hailey wasn’t there because she would have been freaked out and then I heard this noise and it was like a rattlesnake spitting at me and then there was another and then it sounded like a thousand rattlesnakes had awoken and were spitting and shaking and Dottie was like “WTF IS GOING ON HERE?” and then it got immediately way too cold and I was suddenly completely drenched in what I could only imagine was blood or poison or both.

Turns out it was the sprinkler system turning on in my neighbor’s lawn and I was drenched because I was too afraid to move away and anger the snakes that were actually sprinkler heads.

And that’s pretty much how my whole week went.  You?

*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Melt: massage for couples. Basically it’s an instructional massage video that teaches how to give bad-ass massages with a simple, step-by-step video guide. It costs less than one professional massage and you have it forever with unlimited access. Plus, if you’ve been putting off buying a Valentine’s Gift and now you’re panicking you can get this right now and not have to run to the grocery store for a bunch of shit no one wants.  And it’s on sale until Valentine’s Day, so bonus!  Check it out here.

I’M COMING TO YOUR TOWN. (But only if you live in one of the towns on my upcoming tour. Otherwise you may have to take a road trip.)

So!  YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual For Dangerous Minds comes out in 3 weeks and that means I’m going on tour!  Yay!  It’s just seven stops but we tried to add a few places that I’ve never toured before so hopefully it will be awesome.  And if it isn’t and only two people show up then we will skip the reading and just go to a bar and drinks are on me.  Either way, you win.

More details to come closer to the date but here’s a quick look at where we’ll be next month:

urhere

I’ll update as I get details but I can tell you that usually all my readings/signings are free (one place has a $5 ticket fee because they have to rent a place to host it) and usually if you buy the book from the bookstore hosting the event you get a guaranteed seat and you get to go first in the signing line and you help keep the bookstore in business, which is a very good thing.  I will happily sign anything you want though, no matter where you got it.  Boobs, babies, books, Beyoncés….whatever.

Also, if you can’t make it to any of the events but you want a signed copy of one of my books (or several) you can usually call and order one from any of the stores and ask them to have me personalize one for you while I’m there and they’ll mail it to you or you can pick it up.  You have to do it a bit early though because sometimes places run out of books quicker than expected.

Please come!  My readings are totally laid-back and filled with introverts and weirdos.  The good kind of weirdos.

More details to come…

Second Annual Booksgiving!

Hello and welcome to the second annual Booksgiving Day!  What is “Booksgiving Day?”  It’s day to celebrate the joy of reading and giving and llamas, but without any actual llamas unless you’ve brought your own.

Basically, last February I wanted to thank you guys for all of your support by giving out 30 copies of Furiously Happy, which I did, but then everyone else was like, “I WANT TO GIVE BOOKS TO PEOPLE TOO” so we set up a day where you could ask for one book from a stranger using an Amazon wishlist and if someone wanted to give it to you they would.  And they did.  Some people asked for a book for their child.  Some asked for a book to escape life for a bit.  Some asked just to have a reminder that they exist and matter, and then they went back in and bought a book for someone else.  And people found friends (and really good book recommendations) by looking at the particular book that each person really wanted.  And it was lovely.

So today we’re doing it again and if you want to ask for a book (or give a book) the details are all here.  I’m giving out 30 of my own books for those of you who are part of the community but haven’t been able to buy one, but you can pick any book at all and leave it in the comments and I’ll probably give out others once I hit my 30.  Furiously Happy is out in paperback today, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened is still in print and YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds comes out in a few weeks (tour info coming soon!) so those are the 30 books I’m giving out first.

bookplateforfuriouslyhappy

Here are the rules:

  1.  If you’re in a rough place and need a book to transport you somewhere else make A BRAND NEW wish list with nothing on it but the book you want.  (Exception: If you have a kid who needs a book you can add that too.)
  2. Here’s how you make a wish list:  Under “Accounts and Lists” on the right, top side of Amazon select “Create a list”.  Choose “Wish list” and name it something like “The book I really need right now” and choose “Public”.  Then click “Create list”.  Now add a book to your list by going to the book and clicking the “add to list” button on the bottom right of that page.  Make sure you assign it to the new wishlist.  Now here’s the most important thing that everyone forgets to do.  You have to assign a shipping address to that specific wish list or it won’t go to you.  EVERY new wishlist has to be assigned an address or you won’t get your stuff.  So click on your wish list and click on “public” and it’ll take you to “List settings”.  Click “view details” and where it says “shipping address” add yours.  (Your city will be shown to others, but not your full address.)  Then save changes.  Now leave a comment with a link to your wish list.  Click here for my sample wish list so you’ll know what one looks like.  I have about 20 books listed on it for inspiration if you don’t know exactly what you want.  In your comment say which book you want in case someone specifically wants to buy you that book.  Also, if you’re not in America put that in the comment so we can match people better by location and not have crazy shipping fees.   Feel happy.
  3. Here’s how you buy a book for a stranger.  Click on their link.  Choose a book.  Select their name so it goes to their address.  If it doesn’t give you the option of picking their name it means they didn’t add a shipping address so delete what’s in your cart and go to the next person.  Send a story to someone in need.  Feel happy.

The only rule is that this is just for books.  No gift cards or clothes or anything else because it gets out of hand really quickly.  Just a simple book to take you away from the world and help you find new ones.

And as always, thank you.  Thank you for supporting my words and listening and passing them on to others.  I’m in the middle of writing book 4 right now and you’re giving me strength to keep writing even when I doubt myself.  I owe you one.  Or 30.

UPDATED: Here are screen shots of what you should see while making a wishlist and add a shipping destination because it’s less complicated if you have pictures to walk you through:

Create a list under “Your lists”.

 

Make it a wish list, name it and make it public.

Screen Shot 2016-02-02 at 1.40.30 PM

After you click “create list” click on the “public” button below:

Screen Shot 2016-02-02 at 1.40.53 PM

Click “view details” to add your shipping address to this wish list:

Screen Shot 2016-02-02 at 1.41.27 PM

Choose a shipping address and save changes.

Screen Shot 2016-02-02 at 1.43.02 PM

Now you’re ready to add something to your list.  Pick a book and choose the “add to list” button on bottom right side:

screen-shot-2017-02-07-at-9-05-09-am

If you have another wish list set as your default (like I always do) then you’ll need to click “move to another list.”

Screen Shot 2016-02-02 at 1.44.57 PM

Just click the list you’re going to share here.

Screen Shot 2016-02-02 at 1.45.28 PM

Now go to the wish list and copy the link and then paste it into the comments.  Done!  There might be a better way of doing it but that’s how I do it.

PS.  If you click on a wish list that says it’s empty that’s because the book has already been bought for them.  🙂  That is a very good thing.

PPS.  I love you guys.  Now I’m off to buy books.

LOOK WHAT JUST CAME IN THE MAIL.

So, last week I asked my editor if I could get the paperback version of Furiously Happy so I could see what the new cover is going to look like and they were all, “No problem” but when I got the package I was like, “Well, this is a very small book” but that’s because it was literally just the cover, which was ridiculous but also sort of cool because I’ve never seen what a cover looks like before it’s been wrapped around a paperback book and now I know.

It looks like this:

The front

The front

The inside

The inside

But then today I went through the mail and this was in it!

3

It’s very thick, I assure you.

YAY!  It comes out day after tomorrow.  A few places you can get it:

Leave a comment if you want one and I’ll give away a few as a preview to Booksgiving, which we’re going to do in a few days.  More to come, y’all.

*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

 

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Melt: massage for couples. Basically it’s an instructional massage video that teaches how to give bad-ass massages with a simple, step-by-step video guide. It costs less than one professional massage and you have it forever with unlimited access. You can watch the trailer here. It’s super pretty and an excellent skill to know, plus you can show your partner how they’re doing it wrong. Like, if they say “Hey, wanna see how I can disable someone with a pressure point?” That’s not good. Don’t do that. Instead watch the video. Just saying. PS. It’s on sale until Valentine’s Day… Check it out here.

Am I broken?

 

So yesterday I read about someone “twiddling their thumbs” and I wondered what that would look like so I did what I imagine that is but it looked ridiculous and so instead I decided to twiddle my other fingers and that’s when I realized that my hand is broken.

Not the whole hand, but my ring fingers.  When I put my hands together like I’m praying I can move all of my fingers except my ring fingers which are totally glued together by witchcraft.  I thought maybe everyone was like that but then I asked Victor and Hailey and they could both move their ring fingers and now I don’t know if they’re very gifted or I’m super broken so I’m asking you, internets.

PS.  This is hard to explain so let me see if I can get a video.

Here:

I needed a video to demonstrate. Rolly: I'M HELPING.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on

Is it just me?

UPDATED!  Okay, several of you sent me tricks to help and one of them actually worked!  See below.  And then stopped working.  And now I’m just as confused as before.

There's a trick!

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on

Updated:  If you’re not following me on twitter you are seriously missing out on the magic of weird body parts.  Click here for the storify.

WTF, Google?

So, I need to attach something to a tree but I thought that a nail might do damage to the tree so I went to the internet to see if they had any ideas and I was like, “Can I glue something to-” and Google was like “LET ME JUST STOP YOU THERE.  YOU WANT TO STICK SOMETHING IN YOUR URETHRA, RIGHT?”  And I was all, “Jesus, Google.  WTF.”  Because first of all, ow.  And secondly, no.  And third, WHY ARE YOU AUTO-SUGGESTING THAT?

No, seriously:

screen-shot-2017-01-31-at-3-57-28-pm

This is not help, Google. This is a recipe for infection.

And then I was like, “You know what?  I’m just going to ignore this.”  And so I kept writing “Can I glue something to a tre-” and at this point you’d think it would autosuggest “tree”, right?  Because I’m doing all I can here.  But no.

screen-shot-2017-01-31-at-3-56-35-pm

me: “Can I glue something to a tre-” Google: “IS IT A T-REX?  YOU NEED TO GLUE SOMETHING TO A T-REX, RIGHT?  I’M HELPING!”

Are that many people sticking things up their urethra and gluing things to dinosaurs that google now thinks these are the most popular options?  All  I wanted to do was hang up a birdhouse like a goddam normal person and now I feel like I’ve stumbled onto an entire subculture that I never knew existed.

Thanks Google.  I feel very informed.  Too much so.  And also, I still don’t know how to attach something to a tree.


I am mostly sausage

Someone in the comments just responded with “Oh Jenny, you sausage” and this is now my favorite term of endearment because it makes me laugh and also, I am mostly sausage.  And so are you.  Even if you’re vegan. Because sausage is made of ground up meat parts and organs and bones and intestines and things better left unmentioned and I’m made of all of that too.  Except I’m not ground up yet.  Although one day when I’m cremated I will be ground up so technically I think that means I’m future sausage.  Or will be future sausage?  I’m not sure which tense to use when it comes to sausage of the future.

I tried to explain all of this to Victor and he just stared at me like I was crazy so I explained how sausage is made and apparently he didn’t want to hear it but I’m a sharer and what I have to share is knowledge, Victor.  And sausage.  If I have any.  And we used to have freezers full of it because my grandparents made piles of it once a year and I honestly thought that everyone’s grandparents ground up gross crap and stuffed it into intestine skins on their kitchen table but apparently it’s just a bohemian thing?  But then Victor made me doubt that it had ever happened at all so I googled it and google was like, “You are totally right.  As usual.  Also, can we interest you in some edible collagen or some natural beef bung?”  And no, google, you can’t.  Stop it.  We were cool and you made it weird.

screen-shot-2017-01-24-at-10-24-19-pm

No, really. I’m full.

Aaaanyway, I guess that’s why people always say “you don’t want to watch the sausage being made” because if I’m sausage that means you’d be watching me being made, which I think would mean watching me being conceived and no one needs that.  I forgot where I was going with this but that’s to be expected because, hello? I’m mostly made of sausage.

*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • Ballerina Death Squad.  It’s a long story.  No death or ballerinas involved.  Look at the page for the explanation.  You’re in if you want to be.

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Nurturea small woman-owned business. (The small woman is Annie.) The Nurture body care line is plant based, and everything is scented only with essential oils. While Nurture believes in the psychological benefits of essential oils, we don’t claim our products will cure cancer. Well, since a portion of sales of It’ll Be OK Calm Balm benefit St. Baldrick’s Foundation, and they fund pediatric cancer research, maybe that one. One can hope.

Nurture yourself. Nurture others. Be Kind. And read the instructions – they’re usually good for a laugh.

You need this.

You know when you have something you’re really excited about but you don’t want to say it out loud because what if it goes away and then everyone is disappointed in you because you fucked it all up?  But you still want to be like, RIGHT NOW EVERYTHING IS GOOD AND MY BROKEN BRAIN IS COOPERATING AND I’M MAKING THIS THING THAT HAS TAKEN OVER MY LIFE ALL OF A SUDDEN AND KEPT ME UP WORKING UNTIL 3AM AND I WANT TO SHARE IT WITH YOU BUT AAAAHHHHHH!  That.  That is me today.  So I’m vague-posting and I fucking hate it when people do that, but know that I’m just doing it because I really want to share with you but I’m afraid if I say it out loud my brain will get constipated again.  I’ll give you a hint though:

Fiction.

‘Nuff said.

PS. Since this isn’t a real post I’m going to  share with you two things I saw today that made me laugh.

One old.  One new.  Both ridiculous.

Gotta go get back to work.