The Bloggess

This isn’t a real post but I’m leaving the country for a few days and I’m sharing my art substack letter here in case you want details. 🙂 Back soon!

Hello, friend!

I try to always post here every Monday but this coming Monday I can’t because I’ll be out of the country. Long story short, as a true social anxiety introvert, I have exactly one friend in my town who I can call to grab a margarita at any time and she very rudely decided to live her one wild and precious life fully and that meant selling everything to explore the world as she works from her laptop. It’s been over a year since I’ve seen her but tomorrow I’m flying to the Canary Islands to meet up with her. YAY! (Now to quiet the travelers anxiety that tells me I will either not poop for a week or have nonstop diarrhea. Is that just a me thing? I feel like it’s just a me thing.)

Anyway, that means that I won’t be here Monday to mail you this letter and I don’t know how to schedule future stuff so instead I’m sending this now.

This weeks drawing is a little different because I wanted to make something travel-related since I always use my drawings to encourage myself when I’m feeling scared and so I decided to try grid journaling, which Lina Forrester teaches.

I put down painter’s tape on watercolor paper and then outlined the boxes and drew my own wild map borders.

And painted a little green and grey randomly…

And when I pulled off the tape, I had some lovely little art (and also a fair amount of small paper tears because I used really cheap watercolor paper).

It’s a fun and easy project if you’re looking for something mindless to do with your hands and I highly recommend it. (If you make one, tag me so I can see it.)

“I am not lost. Simply making my own maps.”

I went outside to take a picture of it and my neighbor walked by and said, “Oh that’s so pretty. ‘I AM NOT SIMPLY MY OWN. LOST. MAKING MAPS,’” and I was like, “Welp. Close enough, I guess.”

Love and canaries,

~ me

Victor always makes fun of me because I’ve never been asked to do jury duty and I must be on a list of people to avoid but last month I finally got a card telling me to show up. I filled out the questionnaire and thought I’d be disqualified when because I said “no” to the part where it asks if you are of sound mind and good moral character, but apparently that doesn’t matter because they still said I had to come in. (And honestly I love watching court tv so I wasn’t against being chosen, but I also know that my depression and anxiety can be disabling at times so I wasn’t sure if I’d able to do a long trial.)

Nonetheless, I made my way downtown and my map made me walk out to a plank in the middle of the river and then I was swarmed by so many screeching grackles my ears hurt. Other cities get fall colors. San Antonio gets this:

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Nonetheless, I was sworn in and picked for the first panel for a criminal court and a lady had us all line up in order but the girl in front of me wasn’t on the list so the bailiff asked “What’s your street name?” and she was like, “My what now?” and he said, “Your street name” and she looked at me and I shrugged and whispered, “What they call you on the street, I guess?” and she said, “Like my gang name?” and the man behind us was like, “He wants your address” and then we both were like, “Ooooooh” and I suspect we both got red marks by our names.

Then we hiked up five floors of stairs and stood in the hall in a long line outside of the courtroom. Apparently this is intentional because when people see a hundred jurors standing outside waiting to be selected they’re more likely to take a plea and so everyone just stands outside as long as it takes for lawyers to decide whether to move forward. I brought a book so I was fine with waiting but after 45 minutes my feet were killing me so I sat on the ground and then the bailiff came out to tell us we were about to go in so I stood back up and then 30 minutes passed and I sat back down on the floor and then a lawyer came out and said they were almost ready and so I stood back up and then another 30 minutes passed and I was like, “Watch, I’m going to do a magic trick” and sat down and immediately the bailiff came out and was like, “Okay, everyone get in line” and I said, “TA-DA!” and the bailiff probably gave me another red mark. Then another 20 minutes passed and a woman walked in in her pajamas and yelled “WHERE THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO BE? WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING COMPLICATED?” until a lawyer came out to get her and I crossed my fingers that I’d be on her trial because I kind of loved her. And then, after so many hours, the judge came out and told us that with our help, all of the trials on the docket had been settled and that we could go home. Which was both a little disappointing and also a relief.

(If you subscribe to my art substack, this letter is already waiting for you in your mailbox, but I’m sharing it here too in case you don’t do substack but still need to read it.)

Dear friend,

This is the last week of October and so I drew you a Halloweeny sketch but then Sunday I had this really weird thought that someone out there needed to hear something specific and so I drew it up and thought I’d share it next week but my very compulsive mind is telling me that I need to post it now. This might just be my OCD winning but I also believe in following your gut, so next week you’ll get my Halloween drawing WAY AFTER HALLOWEEN and I’m so sorry I’m like this.

But…maybe you’re the person who needs to hear this today…

it’s going to be okay. I love you. You are doing amazing. 

The world is hard at times and we’re each fighting so many battles, but you’re doing so much better than you think. You are making differences in the lives of people in ways you’ll probably never see. It’s easy to let the darkness around us overshadow the light, but your shine is integral. It may be impossible to see the glow you bring with your own eyes, but it is so gorgeously obvious to so many others.

“I can’t always keep the rain away. But I’ll always share my umbrella.”

There is always space under my umbrella for you.

I super crazy love you.

Your friend,

~ Jenny

This isn’t a real post. It’s me venting a little and also maybe letting you in on something that might cost you a lot of money if you aren’t aware of it, especially if you are an author.

Scammers have been taking advantage of authors forever. They know that your books are your babies and you desperately want to find the readers who will love them and that can make you emotionally invested in ways that make you vulnerable to people taking advantage of you. Here are a few recent and not so recent scams to be aware of, including one I got close to falling for myself:

THE PAID PODCAST SCAM: This one consists of someone wanting you to be on a well-known podcast (or facebook live, etc) where you’ll be getting $3000 just for participating. This is the first red flag. You don’t get paid for being a one-time guest on a podcast. I’ve been on tons and I’ve never been paid. The scam is that it seems very real and the assistant just wants you to get on a zoom for a “tech check” and then they need to take over your screen for something or have you download something and then they have access to your computer. Or sometimes they need to see your instagram analytics or have access to your facebook so that they can promote the podcast so you can get paid, but really they just go in and change your password and blackmail you for access, or more often use your platform to sell crap. They can also use your video image to create AI videos of you. Bleh.

THE PUBLICITY SCAM: This one looks like a lot of different things but starts with a very complimentary email and an offer to share your book with their enormous bookclub or group of readers. They reel you in and then ask if you’ll send them money for something. A typical one is “We’d love to have you come to (WHATEVER STATE THEY KNOW YOU WON’T TRAVEL TO) but if you can’t make it you can send us $300 for snacks while our giant group discusses your book.” Or maybe they’ll ask for a gift card from you so they can buy some of your books to give out for pre publicity. It’s not real.

Even more upsettingly, this scam is ramping up because scammers are using AI to write these emails and so people are getting tons of them and they’re becoming more sneaky. I literally just got one that went on and on and on about the incredible and complicated themes in my latest book. Except that the book they mentioned was written by a different Jenny entirely. And it was a picture book. About golf. An actual line from the email: “So tell me, Jenny—when you wrote this book, did you know it would feel like this? Like sunlight and nostalgia woven into one gentle lesson about grace and joy?” *sigh*

THE COMMENT SCAM: I get this a lot in my blog comments but I’m starting to see it in my social media comments. The scammer writes a program to use AI to send comments that seem very related to the subject your writing about and then adds a link to whatever they’re trying to get traffic to. They will eventually get slicker but right now they’re often obvious. Yesterday I got one on a post where I was talking about how I was worried that the nervous blinking tic I’ve developed will be too distracting for people when I go back on book tour and I got this comment: “JENNY LAWSON’S CONVULSIVE EYE TREMORS ARE HYPNOTIZING AND BAD CLICK TO DOWNLOAD THIS GAME FOR RELAXATION JENNY.” Awesome.

Slightly related, a lot of romance scammers are on facebook and will leave comments on your posts or on other comments on your posts saying how beautiful you are and asking to be friends. They aren’t real people. Block them.

THE FAKE BOOK SCAM: Some scammers will create books that look similar to yours and then put them on Amazon so that people might accidentally buy theirs. Really though, theirs is “a summary of Jenny Lawson’s book” and is about 5 pages long and completely wrong. People will also use your name to publish their book in the hopes that people will think it’s yours. Grrr.

THE PUBLISHING SCAM: There are a lot of people who look like real agents or publishers and ask the world at large to send them stuff. Is it possible that some of them are real? Totally. Is it also likely that some of them are trying to use you? Sadly, yes. An agent should not ask you for money. Same with a publisher. (Unless you’re self-publishing, in which case there are a lot of well-known and reputable places that people have depended on for years that have good feedback.) Publishers get paid when you get paid. Same thing with agents. Don’t send your manuscript to a publishing company that doesn’t have happy past customers. You have no idea what they’re going to do with it and if they suddenly publish a similar book that is just yours that has been slightly rewritten with AI you’ll have a very hard time proving it. In fact, if you’re submitting something to a publisher or agent just send them the first three chapters and a proposal letter. If they like it enough they’ll ask for the whole thing and then you have proof that they were interested in it in case they do try to steal your idea later.

THE DEAD UNCLE SCAM: This is not a book-related scam but my mom just called to say that she got a letter in the mail that a distant uncle of ours had died with no children and a $10 million dollar life insurance policy with no beneficiaries and all she had to do was retain the lawyer who was sending her the letter. Luckily, she realized this was a scam (who is paying premiums on a life-insurance policy with no benefits?) but I’m mentioning it here because a lot of us have told our grandparents to avoid phone and internet scams (DON’T CLICK ANY LINKS, MEEMAW) but written letters might seem more legit, especially when the dead uncle has a similar name to actual distant relatives and now you can send this to them to warn them.

THE FIGHTING ROBOT SCAM: This is less about getting your money and more about getting online hits. There are a TON of AI robots on social media who are created specifically to fuck with you. They are often created by political groups who want a ton of people all saying the same stupid thing so that it trends and so that people fall for it. Sometimes they even create fake profiles of people on the other side of the aisle and make them say extreme things so that everyone gets mad at them. Sometimes their bots will fight with other bots and that thing will trend and you’ll think, “Wow, I guess people really do hate (whatever they want you to hate)” when really it’s just robot fights. And then we spend time fighting with robots about things that are just a purposeful distraction. Take a deep breath. Talk to real people. Do real things. Focus on making changes that are real. Your time, energy and peace of mind are precious. Protect them.

There are also a lot of people who get paid for interactions and will purposely post inflammatory bullshit just for attention and money. And if you comment telling that person they are an idiot it tells your algorithm that this is something you’re interested it and suddenly all you get are idiots. If I follow you I will see the stuff that you’re replying to and so if I’m following a lot of people who are yelling at hateful idiots I will have a timeline full of hateful idiots, but if you comment on someone who is doing incredible work then I’ll see that and that will be promoted to the timelines of everyone. Grow what you want to see and what you want others to see.

One thing that really opened my eyes recently was my threads trending page was filled with book drama and it gave me this idea that threads is sometimes toxic for writers but then my kid showed me their threads trending page and it was completely different. The major news stories were the same of both our trending pages but they were getting none of the writing stuff I was getting and it made me realize how easily siloed we become and how easy it is to think that something is all anyone is talking about but may not actually be how the rest of the world is seeing things.

Sorry if this has typos. I’m about to go to Nowhere Bookshop with Hailey for the Haunted Adult Book Fair which starts tonight (COME!) and we have to put on our costumes.

Know of any other scams that I missed? Leave them in the comments.

Someone recently told me that the reason I have so much anxiety is because I read so many dark, horror books and I explained that studies prove that reading horror can actually be good for your resilience and empathy and give you a safe outlet to process emotions. And I added that I’ve had overactive anxiety since I was child. And then I remembered that I started reading Stephen King in Elementary School so maybe that last part isn’t as valid, but still…I love a good horror movie or book and October is a great month for it.

This month in NEW BOOKS YOU SHOULD READ I’m recommending these little jewels:

The Hong Kong Widow by Kristen Loesch : In 1950s Hong Kong, a young refugee of the Chinese Communist revolution struggling to put her past in Shanghai behind her. When she receives a shocking invitation— a competition in one of the city’s most notorious haunted houses, pitting six spirit mediums against one another in a series of six séances over six nights, until a winner emerges. I liked it so much I picked it for the Nightmares from Nowhere Book Club (which you should totally join if you are a horror freak like me.)

Happy People Don’t Live Here by Amber Sparks : In this darkly funny gothic tale, a reclusive mother and her saturnine daughter move into a haunted building brimming with eccentrics—and secrets. A cozy supernatural for those who love eerie without being terrifying. If you’re a member of the Fantastic Strangelings Book Club (join us!) you’ll be getting this book in the mail.

Replaceable You by Mary Roach : You’d think a non-fiction read about human anatomy might be dry but this is one of my favorite books of the year. If you like funny but dark and fascinating stories, this one is for you.

Pick a Color by Souvankham Thammavongsa : A day-in-the-life novel about loneliness, love, labor, and class, an intimate and sharply written book following a nail salon owner as she toils away for the privileged clients who don’t even know her true name.

The Creeping Hand Murder by Maureen Johnson and Jay Cooper : Seven people receive mysterious letters. Someone knows their terrible secrets. They are summoned to a posh townhouse where one is stabbed right in front of the others, but somehow no one saw a thing. Can you help Scotland Yard solve the mystery?

Intemperance by Sonora Jha : a middle-aged woman starts a firestorm when she holds a contest, based on an ancient Indian ritual, in which men must compete to win her affections in this satirical feminist folktale.

Which one calls to you most?

Hailey and their sweetheart came home with a little spooky season surprise for me.

A small metal friend at the door.

“Knock knock, motherfucker.”

She has a little solar panel on her neck, so at night her eyes glow from inside her little chickeny ghost shroud. I haven’t come up with a good name for her yet but I’m leaning toward “Myrtle Poultry-geist” and on Halloween night I may sit out on my porch with her and hand out deviled eggs. Victor was like, “You can’t give kids deviled eggs” and I was like, “Obviously I’ll offer them a sandwich bag first so they can carry it if they don’t want to eat it immediately. I’m not going to just hand wet eggs to small children. That would be crazy.” And of course, I’ll also offer candy but I wonder if I can get candy eggs and hide them in Myrtle Poultry-geists butt and then pull them out like magic. And then I can ask the kids if they know a good eggs-orcist. Omg, this Halloween is writing itself.

PS. People always ask if I still have Beyonce the Giant Metal Chicken…and yes, of course I do. You don’t just throw away family. She’s now 14 years older and I can see her from my desk as I type. Also, lots of people have reached out to ask if Seth Rogan was giving me a shout-out recently when he said “Knock knock, motherfucker!” in the The Studio, and I really doubt it but wouldn’t that be incredible?

These chickens will cut you.