Milk is confusing.

Victor: Ew. Did you just pour tap water into your cereal?

me: Yes, because there’s too much milk in the milk.

Victor: What.

me: We only have whole milk but I like 2% milk. What’s the other 98% of 2% milk? It’s gotta be water, right? But also, why doesn’t it cost 2% as much as whole milk?

Victor: That’s not how milk works.

me: Seems like it. 100% milk is the most milk, right? Although if you added powdered milk to 100% milk, what would that be?

Victor: It would be milk. Very gross milk.

me: No, because you’d have more milk per milk. Too much milk. But I don’t know how the math works.

Victor: Clearly.

me: Wait…but why does “evaporated milk” exist? Because if it evaporated it would be gone, right?

Victor: Please stop talking.

me: And if milk evaporates what then why doesn’t it ever rain milk? OMG, is that where 2% milk comes from? Is the other 98% rain?

Victor: Have you been drinking?

me: I think I just became a scientist.

Baby Jesus doesn’t need your likes. Probably.

I wrote this series of social media posts last night because I thought it was funny but I didn’t it because I couldn’t tell if it was one of those things that’s just entertaining to me late at night when I’m punch drunk, but this morning I still think it’s funny so here you go. I apologize in advance. “Like” to accept my apology.

Also, I apologize for picking a theme that I thought was sunset and sunrise but just looks like a series of buttholes when you use them together. Those buttholes were inadvertent, I assure you.

Ups and downs and ups

You know when you find a big puddle of water where there shouldn’t be a big puddle of water and you’re like, “Ugh, I hope that’s not pee” and then a second later you realize that it’s water that has run down the wall because there’s a leak somewhere and you suddenly are like, “Fuck. I should have wished for pee”? Except that I guess if it’s enough pee to leak through the ceiling that would be a whole other sort of problem. But this wasn’t pee. It was apparently our air conditioner melting down and leaking and overflowing some pan in the attic and so we had to turn off the air conditioner and the air conditioner repair people were like, “Yeah, we can come Thursday. Of next week. Maybe” and then my eye started twitching a little bit. That was my yesterday. But then today another air conditioner repair place was like, “We don’t have the people to make any big fixes right now but we can come take a look” and they were able to temporarily fix it enough that we can at least now work in our home offices without wearing ice pack vests made of ziplock bags and yelling at each other over the sound of box fans.

All this to say that you should go check your air conditioner filters right now because those things can fuck shit up. Did you even know air conditioners have filters? Me either. Also, stop wishing for “not pee” because sometimes pee is preferable.

I need a distraction

Sometimes when my head is a mess I have to distract myself with movies. You’d think that ridiculous comedies would be the best thing for depression but I’ve found that the cognitive dissonance on not being able to laugh at something that I know should be funny actually makes it worse and so instead I have a list of what I call “My Depression Movies” that I can watch to help me escape. Some of them are old. Some are new. Some are complete box-office bombs but all of them have some magical bit of comfort in them that just work for some reason.

So today I’m sharing some of my favorite movies that help to either pull me out of my broken head or at least keep me company in it. (Please be aware that some of these are bleak as fuck. This is not a list of happy movies to fight depression…just a list of movies that work with my head when I’m fighting depression.)

Palm Springs

Sunset Boulevard

Whatever Happened to Baby Jane

Grey Gardens

This is Spinal Tap

Love in the Afternoon

The Shop Around the Corner

The Bad Seed

The Moth Diaries

Picnic and Hanging Rock

How about you?

Hello, strangeling!

Every time I type out “strangeling” my blog turns it into “strangling” and it’s a fair guess but at a certain point you’d think it would learn.

Anyway, if you are a member of my book club (The Fantastic Strangelings – JOIN US!) then you are used to me apologizing for opening the discussion thread late, but in my defense, I am very lazy and never know what day it is.

BUT. I did just finish rereading The Hacienda so I’m going to open up the discussion post on the facebook page and I’ll also leave my thoughts in the comments in case you don’t do facebook.

And (just in case you missed it) this month’s book is:

Hurricane Girl by Marcy Dermansky.

“A fast-paced and daring new novel about a woman on the run from catastrophe, searching for love, home, a swimming pool, and for someone who can perhaps stop the bleeding from her head.” 

“Wait, what?” you ask me.  Keep reading, friend.

Allison Brody is thirty-two and newly arrived on the East Coast after just managing to flee her movie producer boyfriend. She has some money, saved up from years of writing and waitressing, and so she spends it, buying a small house on the beach. But then a Category 3 hurricane makes landfall and scatters her home up and down the shore, leaving Allison adrift.

Should she go home from the bar with the strange cameraman and stay in his guest room? Is that a glass vase he smashed on her skull? Can she wipe the blood from her eyes, get in her car, and drive to her mother’s? Does she really love the brain surgeon who saved her, or is she just using him for his swimming pool? And is it possible to ever truly heal without seeking some measure of revenge?

A captivating crazy train of a ride that alternates between strange, funny, horrifying and bizarre and I could not put it down until the fascinating end.  

How can something be funny and horrifying at the same time?  I don’t know.  How can french fries dipped in strawberry milkshakes be sweet and salty and hot and cold at the same time?  Sometimes it just works.  (Also, for real you should try milkshake fries because they are delicious.)  And it’s a very slim book which is nice since the last few have been AMAZING but also a bit long so you can finish this one quick and feel very accomplished while enjoying yourself.

Do you need more than one book to get you through the month?  OMG ME TOO.  June has some fantastic new releases and a few of my favorites are:

The Woman in the Library by Sulari Gentill – A murder mystery with a story hidden inside another story, where everyone is a suspect.

Hell Followed with Us by Andrew Joseph White – a queer, post-apocalyptic YA novel that is full of horror, rage and hope.  LOVED THIS ONE.

Horse – Pulitzer Prize winner Geraldine Brooks absolutely nails this story about a discarded painting in a junk pile, a skeleton in an attic and the greatest racehorse in American history.

The Facemaker by Lindsey Fitzharris – A fascinating look at on surgeon’s battle to mend the disfigured soldiers of WWI.  

Woman of Light by Kali Fajardo-Anstine – A dazzling epic of betrayal, love and fate that spans five generations of an Indigenous Chicano family in the American West.

The Messy Lives of Book People by Phaedra Patrick – The house cleaner of a famous reclusive author must carry out her employer’s last wish…to complete her final novel.

You Know Exactly What You Have to Do by Paul Madonna – Is this a book of comic strips?  Yes.  Is it a haunting and thoughtful coffee table book that I adored?  Also yes.  Books are weird, y’all.

Counterfeit by Kirstin Chen – Two Asian American women grow a counterfeit handbag scheme into a global enterprise. Lots of twists in this one.

Garden of Earthly Bodies by Sally Oliver – A Kafka-esque novel about trauma.  

The Ballad of Perilous Graves by Alex Jennings  – A darkly fantastical version of New Orleans where music is magic.

Ashton Hall by Lauren Belfer – An atmospheric historical fiction novel with a skeleton walled into a mansion that also shines a light on neurodiversity and complicated relationships.  (The novel sheds light.  Not the skeleton.  Although I guess the skeleton helps, inadvertently.)

 This is Not a Book about Benedict Cumberbatch by Tabitha Carvan – it’s a book about Benedict Cumberbatch.  Wait no.  Reverse that.

And how about you? Do you have any recommended summer reading? Are there new books coming out you can’t wait to read?

It’s Friday, y’all.

It’s Friday, y’all. You know what that means? It means that it’s time to step into my office so I can show you all of the insta things I loved lately that I’ve been saving for you. (Yes, you.) Because you deserve a damn break right now.

For real though, Victor won’t let me eat in his car because he insists this is me:

Same, Rocky.

A for effort tho:

Happy weekend, sweetness.

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