Fucking chipmunks

Dear Alvin (and chipmunks):

What the fuck happened to you?  You used to be my favorite stars.  I had all your albums (even Urban Chipmunk) and I literally cried when my jambox ate my Chipmunk Rock tape.  And you repay me by pissing all over those sweet memories with this:

 alvin_and_the_chipmunks.jpg

You used to be the sweet face of enthusiastic innocence.  Now you look like you just stabbed an old lady so you could use her pension check to buy more weed.  You look bored with life…a life that I assume is filled with underage groupies and illegal dog fights.  You’ve changed, man.

And speaking of inappropriate role-switching…what the fuck, Jason Lee?

I realize an actor has to stretch his boundaries but Dave-Fucking-Seville?  Give me a break.  You are (and always will be) Banky from Chasing Amy.  Remember these gems?

Banky: I’m telling you that chick is probably a bigger germ farm than that monkey in Outbreak

Or this? 
Banksy: All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin’.

Those are the kind of  edgy lines that feed your caustic wit…not “Oh, those silly-billy chipmunks put marmalade on my toothbrush again.”

Stop now, Chipmunk franchise, for this is your future.

26 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I’m thinking that Chipmunks high on weed would sing completely different – it would be terrible, like playing an old record of theirs at a slow speed. I agree with your disgust, Jenny, especially since they became all gangsta tough. I’d imagine they roll in an Escalade with 23″ spinners and windows that are as black as the night. Maybe they’re trying to do what Robert Van Winkle (aka Vanilla Ice) did – he started out with rap, then came back as “a dreadlocked, marijuana-obsessed, tattooed gangsta, insisting that his former sound and image had been pressed on him by his record company.” – Wikipedia

  2. Weed would explain Theodore’s weight problem.

    MMMMMMMMM, Twinkie…

  3. This is so not ok.

  4. Wow, who knew? And Pooh and Barney too? It’s just so sad.

    But on the bright side, I now have the riff gee I want a hoola hoop stuck in my head – so thank you for that.

  5. For one to complain about how Hollywood is lowering the bar for the Chipmunks franchise, wouldn’t said franchise had to have possessed some level of quality to dip under? I thought that you couldn’t divide zero.

    Now, if they made a Shirt Tales movie…yeah…

  6. the chipmonks and the shirt tales…

    awww sweet memories… i’d rather the hollywood typs didn’t screww it all up

  7. mmmmmm chipmunk fajitas… with guacamole….

  8. and extra onions

  9. when did jason lee start looking like Andrew Shue’s dad?

  10. Gah! Ignore this travesty and think back to the Chipmunk’s Christmas album – the memory must remain untainted!!

    Why didn’t they use Bruce Campbell instead? On second thought, I wouldn’t want my dear Bruce attached to such an unholy project . . .

  11. Oh, now that just can’t be a good idea.
    In fact, I deem this the
    worst. possible. movie. idea.
    Ever.

  12. I love the Holiday Alvin and hte Chipmunks CD…great stuff!

  13. I’ve been BLINDED! Can’t look at Gangsta Alvin. Oh the sweet innocence of my youth is gone.

  14. LOL! I used to love them, my how they have changed.

  15. ALVIN!

  16. Apparently, worshipping Xenu causes you to choose really bad movie roles. Or rolls, as Britney would say.

  17. ^
    End of Scientology bashing and Britney bashing.

  18. That video made me pee my pants.

    This is so wrong. I had the Chipmunks Christmas album too. If they remake Christmas Time Is Here into a badass gangsta rap, I may become suicidal.

  19. *freaks out*

    Those aren’t the chipmunks.

    They can’t be! I won’t let them be!

    *puts hands over eyes and rocks herself*

  20. Jason just lost SexyPoints. Lots of ’em.

  21. So wrong. SO wrong. I may have to melt my beloved Chipmunks Christmas album into a fruit bowl over this.

  22. My 13-yr crush on Jason Lee is officially OVER.
    And apparently, no one in my generation should even try to be cool anymore. I’m off to Marshalls to buy pleated jeans.

  23. why can’t someone just nuke hollywood? the world would be a much better place.

  24. i realy thing u are funny

  25. I actually watched part of this movie….It was very strange….that’s all I can say about it. I quickly changed the channel though to preserve their place in my heart. I didn’t want this movie to change my thoughts of how awesome the Chipmonks are

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