Looking for muses

I’m empty.

 

I sometimes feel like this.  Like in between being a mother, and a wife, and an employee, and a child, and a friend, and a writer that sometimes I give so much of myself that there’s nothing left.  I don’t expect to ever be complete in all those aspects of my life at the same time but right now I feel like I’m now quite alive in any of those parts.  It isn’t a depression.  It isn’t a sickness.  It isn’t even a fatigue because that implies that I feel tired and I don’t.  I don’t really feel…at all.

 

I am a vessel, empty, scraped dry.  I am Mars.  I am space. 

I am you, sometimes.  Except perhaps I say it more loudly.    

I am empty.  I am watching myself competing in a race and it scares me that I don’t care if I win or lose.  I am…probably only making sense to me.

 

I am taking a break.  Some time for me.  I’m giving myself permission to not blog for a little while.  I’m going to read.  To think.  To ruminate.  To collect.  To reassess.  To keep a little of me for me.  For now.

 

I’m not quitting.  I couldn’t if I wanted to.  After all, writers write, always. 

 

I’ll see you in a week.  Maybe two. 

 

I’ll see you on the other side. 

58 thoughts on “Looking for muses

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Dude you scared me there for a minute. I fully understand. Take all the time that you need. We’ll be here when you get back.

  2. Those that give much often don’t stop long enough to refill. Glad that you are taking time to do so. We’re not going anywhere, take all the time you need.

  3. I understand the feeling — it’s the reason for the hot-cold nature of my own blog. Watch some “Soup” on E!, read some National Geographics, play with the kid, drink a Mexican Martini, whatever. No need to blog just to blog.

  4. You go girl. Relax, take a breath, enjoy your family and don’t worry about us. We’ll be watching our feeders. After all, it’s not like we’re all gonna go run away and do something else!

  5. Your problem is the high standard you set for yourself. Your posts are always good quality, and that must take it’s toll. Why not be like me and embrace mediocrity.

  6. We’ll see you on the flipside. Take care of yourself. You promised me a free molestation in person one day and I intend to cash in that promise!!

  7. I think we all need a good blog vacation now and then, just like anything else in life. Otherwise, it becomes a job and who the hell needs another one of those? Rest and when you come back, it will be fun again. But, I’ll miss you and your wit, funny lady!

  8. I cannot add much more that your other well-wishers already haven’t, except –

    If I was in Texas, I’d come swoop up the child and go pick up your dry cleaning, just so you could have some alone time.

    We heart you, darlin’.

  9. I will miss you, but I hope you will return with tales of giant squid and hilarious Victor conversations and your just all around quirky view on life. I hope you find your muse. I hope you are excited to write again.

  10. Geez!! Was is something I said? First you move away from me, and now you don’t even wanna blog…

    Um, ya need a beergarita? Come over. Bring Hailey. I have toys.

  11. “If Mama ain’t ok, ain’t nobody ok.”
    Take care of yourself and feel better. We will all be here when you return to the BlogWorld.

  12. You make sense to me, too. Know that you are loved ( I know that sounds kind of stalkery, but it’s not, ’cause I meant God) and that you are in my prayers.

  13. Yahooo!!!! She’s gone……er wait….hahahaha (nervous giggle) I didn’t really mean that. Uh, have a good break and come back refreshed. We shall miss you.

  14. I’ve always been amazed at all the people that have something witty to say on a continual basis. You are one of them. You amaze me. I’m sure you will continue to do it.

  15. admit it…you got an early copy of Harry Potter.

    Kidding, we all feel that way sometimes, lately I feel it way more than ever before…if you figure it out let us know..cause I am looking for answers too.

  16. Biddy is a massage therapist! come to abilene, get a massage, we’ll go out for drinks and laugh and you’ll come back all refreshed and possibly hungover

  17. Hugs. I totally know what you mean. Enjoy your break. Recharge. We will always be here. Trust me, you have us all hooked!

    And, sometime soon, we require drinks together.

  18. makes perfect sense – have a wonderful, filling, fulfilling, ruminating week or two. do what you need to do. we’ll be here.

  19. Beautifully expressed, Jenny.

    I’ll miss you terribly, but I get it. I always marveled at how much you “got around”… uh, I mean how prolific you were. Where did this girl find the time and energy to put out such compelling stuff all the time?

    For me, each post is a struggle, and I have no hubby-baby combo to worry about like you do.

    Take your time, but find your way back to us. I’ve taken quite a likin’ to you, missy.

    P.S. If you can find a scrap of time, I would still love it if you would accompany me silly-wig shopping. My hair comes off on Saturday. :>)

  20. Have a good break, I think I’m going to join you (don’t worry not literally) on a bloggy break.

  21. I get that sometimes myself. That’s usually when I take a week and read something that has nothing to do with anything. Comic books work. Cheap novels from airports. And the always reliable “novel I’ve read 200 times before.”

    Fill yourself up again and get back to us.

  22. I’m currently going through your archives to catch up on all that i’ve missed, so that’s why the random comment on a post from years ago. I’m really happy I read this. I’m usually really happy to read your writing but because it makes me laugh, genuinely laugh. I feel like this post is a direct mirror of how I feel right now. I just started anti-anxiety medication yesterday (MUCH better than anxiety medication…that shit is serious, and my anxiety is already WAY to high to add to the situation). Anyhow, it was good to read this and not feel alone. Not that I wish this feeling on anyone, but it’s good to know that you’ve been there.

  23. i couln’t agree more with mandolin. about everything, really. about the catching up, the uber-late post and the wow-that’s-exactly-how-i-feel-feeling this post gave me at this moment in my life. i feel drained, not tired, hollow, exactly like you said: empty. and, lately, it’s been so hard to put on the “everything’s ok” mask so that others around me won’t worry…

    blah. ok. that’s enough whining from me. i’m glad i’m not alone. i hate this feeling. ok. i’m making an appointment with my doctor. i need to get back on something. i want my brain to like me again…

    i love you and all the ways you help me feel more normal.

    thanks for being who you are.

  24. “I am a vessel, empty, scraped dry. I am Mars. I am space.
    I am you, sometimes. Except perhaps I say it more loudly.
    I am empty. I am watching myself competing in a race
    and it scares me that I don’t care if I win or lose.
    I am…
    probably only making sense to me.”

    This is a beautiful thought. Poetry.
    Poignant.

  25. wow.
    I’m reading this 5 years after it was written which makes me
    a) a weirdo with no social life
    b) a new blogger with no social life
    c) a real shit for dragging it all up again,
    Really I’m just all of the above.
    What a journey you’ve all been on.
    I think, through reading this I’m part of it too now.
    I wonder where my journey will take me.
    At the very least I’ll have a few nice pictures of lipstick to look back on.
    I’m hoping I’ve found my tribe.
    Thankyou Jenny.

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