J. Kevin Tumlinson from Mental Floss recently commented on The (lately deep and depressing) Bloggess – “Where’s the acerbic wit and the random four-letter words I’ve come to love?” I typically ignore Kevin but in honor of the fact that he somehow bribed someone to give him his own page on wikipedia I’m going to fulfill his darkest desires and share the first act of some homemade soft-core porn I wrote after discovering that 80’s teen heartthrobs Corey Haim and Corey Feldman will be teaming up for a reality show on A&E this year. Enjoy.
“You can call me ‘Felddog’ if you like,” Corey #1 whispered throatily as he leaned toward me and lit a melted birthday candle shaped like the number 8. “Sorry about this. Corey’s mom used up the last Yankee candle in the bath last night.”
“No problem,” I muttered, settling back on the couch and pushing a well used litter box away from me with my foot. It was hard to believe that only a few hours ago I’d finally met my two biggest 80’s crushes at the San Bernadino Convention Center and had been invited back to their place for “a little Lost Boys action”. “Why don’t you turn off the lights?” I suggested, closing my eyes and struggling to bring back the image of the Dream a Little Dream poster I’d had on my wall 18 years earlier.
“Did you know that giraffe’s have no natural predators?”
“Um…what?” I opened my eyes and stifled a scream as I saw Corey Haim’s face just inches from mine.
“No natural predators,” he said excitedly. “Giraffes.” His eyes were all pupils.
“Um…what about lions?” I asked huskily, wondering if this was some sort of odd foreplay.
His eyes glazed over for a moment and then refocused as if seeing me for the first time. “Oh hi! I’m Corey Haim!”
‘Felddog’ cleared his throat and then ordered Corey into the kitchen to bring us all some drinks.
“Oh God, yes. Something strong, please,” I called after him, trying to remember what had made me agree to this threesome in the first place.
The Felddog leaned closer to me and unbuttoned his leather pants. A smell escaped from them not unlike the scent of a dead hooker left in the river too long. I struggled to control my gag reflex.
I looked longingly toward the front door as Corey number 2 walked back into the room with the drinks, his eyes brimming with excitement like a crazed maniac.
“What the hell is this?!” Corey Feldman squealed, his voice rising like a scared schoolgirl as he stared with revulsion at the fizzing brown liquid which seemed to boil in the chipped Miss Piggy mug.
The Haimster beamed proudly. “It’s Mr. Pibb with Pop Rocks in it!” he giggled. He whispered conspiratorially to me, “You can taste the excitement!”
Corey F. put down his glass and sighed inwardly. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “He’ll settle down once we get to business.” He began unbuttoning my blouse and lightly kissing my bra-strap. “Hey. Would you mind terribly wearing something special for me?”
“Um…what did you have in mind?” I purred, trying to recapture the mood.
“Oh, just a little dress,” the Felddog whispered throatily as he pulled out a pink mass of ruffles that had been crammed under the couch cushion.
“Uh…is this Heather Graham’s dress from License to Drive?” I asked, uneasily holding up the heavily stained dress with my fingertips.
Corey F. cocked one eyebrow playfully. “Put it on, baby.”
The lace had frayed badly in places and sections of it seemed to have been reattached with a staple gun. It smelled vaguely of syrup and cat urine.
I looked up at Corey Haim to see his eyes welling up with tears, as if struggling to hold back some great emotion. He smiled largely at me and I could see that he’d fished out the giant wad of gooey pop-rocks from his drink and had the softball-sized gob stuck in his teeth. He whispered something that sounded like “I’m a vampire,” as the sugary mass fused his teeth together, fizzy drool running down the corners of his mouth.
To be continued…
Each day I love you a little more.
I have to admit I’m going to watch their show. At least once.
But this threesome business? I’ll leave that to you.
Um. I want in on this porn action. Though, you can have Feldman. I want Haim.
As long as it’s Dream A Little Dream Haim and not Overly Drugged Trying To Get Over Being A Child Actor Haim.
Thanks.
I will not be ignored! Abused, ridiculed, smacked around like a junkie whore and spit on by winos but never ignored!
You know, I hate to admit to being the only guy in the world who actually liked “Dream a Little Dream.” I even had the soundtrack. And oooh… Corey Haim…so dreamy…er…”what a fine young actor that man was at one time,” Kevin said straightly.
I had no idea there was to be a show. I will add it to my “Must Ridicule TV” list at once! Thank you, TiVo!
Jenny, you are my writing idol. Only a true genius could put into words the romantic disappointment actually getting to be with our obsessions would be.
I eagerly await the next installment.
I am scared. Hold me. Except please don’t because you probably have diseases now just from writing that.
I sense that someone around this blog ain’t going to be running for public office anytime soon… 🙂
A “giant wad of gooey pop-rocks” is the sexiest thing I’ve read on the internet to date. Don’t stop. Uh. Don’t stop.
choke
*snort*
(spews coke cola all over brand new lap top)
damn you jenny, that was a brand new lap top
ok now that i have curse you and spewed coke cola on my precious putere
that was to damn funny!!
Wait, which one was Feldman? (Did you know that there’s actually a wikipedia page for “The 2 Coreys?” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_two_Coreys)
You guys are cracking me up.
Kevin – Is “straightly” a word?
Chase – 18 years ago I’d have fought tooth and nail for the Haimster. Now I’m willing to switch to the other Corey. (Although I think I’d prefer one of the New Kids on the Block if we’re being perfectly honest.)
ktjrdn – Feldman is the one that had a fling with Michael Jackson. A totally non-sexual dressing-little-boys-up-just-like-you-and-having-them-sleep-in-your-bed kind of fling. Totally…uh…straightly.
Ahem: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/straightly
you can keep the corey’s together or separate. Ill take Chris Meloni and, yes!!!! David Beckham!!!
Tell me you saw them on Larry King the other night. Because, it ruled. And my preteen heart only cried a single tear.
This is the strangest thing, I got a hard-on at the mere mention of porn. It was there when I started reading, but it was gone by the end, and not in good way like when I normally read porn.
Hysterical! Corey Haim was waaaay cuter! Also? I’ll take Jordan Knight, you can have the rest of the NKOTB.
HAHAHA! Cory Soft porn?!?!? How do you do it?
it is being a lada at the top of your internet sit iwth the big lights? so so cool! thanks for saying i have good blog but dima is beiing lazy bastad and anot answered question. thsi man cory sound like good ukrianian man hot hot hot and ladys love him like me.bye bastads!
Umm wow…color me beyond impressed by your creativity.
I just went from “errr uhhh” wrt to the Coreys to “ewwwwww.” LOL
if you could only add in a little 1980’s Jason Patric the scene would be perfect.
I was never one for the Corys (Cories?) In that era, I much prefered River Phoenix he was so deep and thoughtful. A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon was my very first R rated movie.
Woman you are too much.
The Corey’s? Fer real?
Okay I dont know whether to love your soft porn or hate it ~ seeing as how I was madly in love with Corey Haim as a teen but not so much for the “Felddog.”
This has to be the post of the year? Surely?
I, er… wrote a “novel” starring the 2 Coreys… and me of course.
I shall try to conjure up the memory and use it for my comeback post.
Soooo….I was looking for a way to distract myself today from writing a totally boring school assignment (which makes me sound like I’m 17 again…sadly I’m not. I’m just old and still in school. FOREVER. But by choice. At least till I finish this f*ing degree I decided I needed after the last one. You’d think I’d learn my lesson) anywhoo I was looking to distract myself and thought…what better way than looking at old Bloggess posts. *This* just proved why I needed to look at old posts. I must find where it is continued.
If I get an “F” on my paper, I’m totally blaming you for distracting me. Totally not my own fault. I’m on a 5:00 deadline. That means I only have 4 hours left. Now I feel guilty for you bringing my impending deadline into the conversation.
PS…you rock! And now I’m back to letting you distract me more.
PPS…I feel ok typing like I talk cause I figure you won’t judge me. Or if you do, you’ll at least do it behind my back. I appreciate that.