The Pee Cheerleader

I’m too tired to even go into the details because this mono/dog disease crap still has me mostly bedridden but I have to tell you that yesterday I left my bed to take Hailey to the doctor because she had a thumb infection and I mentioned that she’d been complaining about her tootie (the name she gave her vagina) hurting for a few days so we had to check for a urinary tract infection.  This entailed germophobic me sitting on the public bathroom floor with my hand INSIDE a toilet trying to catch each tiny droplet of pee in a teensy cup.  Of course, Hailey would not pee.  I told her it was a game and that if we caught enough pee in the cup then we’d all win lollipops but no dice.  After 10 minutes my back was aching and I could physically feel the public toilet germs crawling up my arm so in desperation I made up a “pee cheer” to encourage Hailey:

Come on tee-tee and shake your booty,

Come on tee-tee, come out of my tootie!

Soon she was loudly cheering at her tootie and minutes later she peed all over my hand and miraculously a few drops ended up in the cup.  After I scrubbed my arms up to my armpits we went to the lab and the woman in front of us was self-consciously dropping off a urine specimen so of course Hailey screamed at her “You won!  Your mommy caught your tee-tee too?”  The women smiled weakly and tried to look away as Hailey began chanting the Pee Cheer but only the last part because I guess it was catchiest.

Then the doctor came back to our waiting room to tell me that I was too big to be lying on the pediatric exam table and that (of course) Hailey had a urinary tract infection, and I could only console myself that at least I’d be able to blog about it.

This would all be much funnier if I wasn’t so damn sick.  Someone said that “comedy is hard but death is easy” but parvo is no damn walk in the park either.

36 thoughts on “The Pee Cheerleader

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You could have went with this one too:

    Hailey Hailey she’s the one,

    Arm in the toilet – so much fun!

  2. Dude. This is why you should not mess with Montagues or Capulets, because they’ll put a plague on all your houses.

    Naw, really, you so don’t deserve or need this.

    But…can I say, aside from my sympathy, I am ROFLMAO at that cheer!

    Luckily nobody has filmed or YouTubed my Poo Poo dance. 😉

    Ravin’ Picture Maven

  3. you poor thing! yeah, i would have skinned my arm…

    crap, now my coworkers think i’ve really lost it because i’m cheering the pee pee cheer…

  4. Yay! I love cheers! Ryann’s old bathtime cheer was:

    Soap it up…soap it up
    And wash that stinky butt!

    She’s not allowed to say butt, but booty, hiney and rear end didn’t rhyme as well, and who am I really kidding? She’s heard worse!!

    Hope you girls feel better soon!

  5. Jesus H Christmas. Who did you piss off? Because your streak of luck is scaring me.

    Also, I’m sort of glad we didn’t meet in Texas, because that would mean that right now I’d have parvo too.

    And that, my darling, I could do without.


  6. I’m stuck on the fact they made you catch her urine! They have stick on pee bags for that stuff! We’ve had to do it a few times, but it is way easier than trying to catch it manually.

    Goodness. You guys get well. I need a playdate!

  7. We went through the same thing a couple of months ago — twice! The second time was at the follow-up visit. We got to the bathroom just as a woman who had taken a seriously rank dump was leaving, so you can imagine how fun it was to sit on the floor with my arm in the toilet, holding that damn cup and begging Britt to please, please, please pee already so we could get out of there.

  8. Poor Hailey – Will she drink cranberry juice? (i won’t, but that’s another story).

    Okay – I am sending “good health” vibes to you.


    A few years ago, Seth and I encountered a man who was missing a tooth. Seth became excited at this, and immediately showed the stranger where he himself had lost a tooth.

    “HEY! You lost a tooth too! How much did the Tooth Fairy bring you?”


  10. Well, now this is where having a boy comes in handy. They’re extraordinarily proud of their pee-pee apparatus and love to hose things down. Our pee cup overfloweth.

  11. I’m still wondering how you managed to contract parvo!

    Being that we’ve just finished potty training my son loves to tell everyone within earshot that he’s gone “pee pee” or “stinky”.

    People seem really interested in the stinky part.

    Hope you feel better soon!

  12. i can’t believe they didn’t give you one of those hat-shaped plastic bowl thingies to place over the toilet bowl but under the seat. its like a hands-free pee catcher. i mean, do they really expect people to shove a hand in there?

  13. I could have been worse…you could have needed a poop sample. Just think of the cheer you could have come up for that one.

  14. I have no tootie but your chant did make me wet myself.

    It takes some serious dedication to motherhood to sit on the floor of a public restroom and stick your hands in a toilet so someone can pee on them. There MUST be some kind of freakin’ award for that. If there isn’t…

    Ah, hell… I hereby award you the first official Mental Floss “Damn Fine Mother” award! I only wish there could be some kind of cash prize. Sheesh… I have to go now. I have to call my mother and apologize for everything I ever did in my life.

    Get better soon, Jen.

  15. This post was absolutely hilarious (!), but I feel bad about your situation. You seem to have a Ye Olde Plague House thing going on. I hope the pox on your head (and Hailey’s) passes soon. Maybe a whole hell of a lot of Lysol would help– I spray down everything and take baths with Lavender and Rosemary oil mixed in when convalescing with Nyquil doesn’t help.

  16. I am so sorry you’re still not feeling well! But thanks for posting this so the rest of us could find it funny! Although I didn’t need that cheer stuck in my head. What a great mom you are, to manage all of this when you’re still feeling so sick!

    Kind of makes that bee sting I got on my tongue this weekend kind of… piddly… by comparison.

  17. Oh, my. I’m not keeping up with blogging, at.all.

    I’m laughing enough FOR you (and yep, still feeling your parvo pain).

    Is that lethal for humans? Did I tell you we had a puppy with parvo? If not, I’ll save that story for when you’re better.

    They’re recording your chart for medical journals, right?

    I now officially NEED your address…you need cercies!!

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  19. You make me feel guilty for laughing at this since you were obviously on your death doggie-bed at the time.
    I am totally stealing your ‘tootie’ song for my niece though, copy written or not!

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