You don’t have to read this or comment.  I just need to get it out. 

I hurt…kind of all over but mostly I think in my head.  I hurt from exhaustion, from not being able to work or to be a mother or wife or friend.  It’s irrational but I’m afraid that this will never pass.  I went to work today for the first time in weeks.  I made it 4 hours then came home and couldn’t move for almost 8 hours.  I’m afraid that when Hailey thinks of her childhood she’ll think of a woman in bed smiling weakly and telling her that tomorrow she’ll come play.  Sometimes I lie in bed and hold my breathe because just the act of breathing is too draining.

I’ve been sick so much of my life that it’s kind of a joke.  I can’t even remember all of it…rare blood diseases,  shingles, needle biopsies, infections, burst ear drums and chronic strep, a miscarriage that would have meant death 50 years ago.  Sometimes I think that maybe I should have died a long time ago, or that soon whatever it is in my body that’s made me so sick will finally kill me.  I know it’s just the sickness talking here but right now I don’t have much else.

I keep telling Victor that tomorrow will be better.  It has to be.

43 thoughts on “Tired.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. It makes me think of being in labor and hearing “just get through this one” on the contractions. It seems like every single thing I’ve done since then is based on that.

    It just sucks when there are so many “this ones”.

    Sending you good thoughts.

  2. I don’t listen well so I both read and am commenting.

    Hugs, sweetie! I really hope you start to feel better soon. Hang in there. Tomorrow will be better. Just keep saying it, thinking it, believing it.

  3. I’m so sorry I’ve haven’t been by here lately. Been out of town and PunditGirl stuff. But please know that my thoughts are with you and hope you will be better soon. I know it’s not much, but it’s the best I can do from here — I’ll save my expert wine opening skills for when you’re better! 😉

  4. Oh babe. You know big (HUGS) and understanding from me.

    It sucks. And then you (meaning me) wonder if the depressed feeling is from the fatigue, the fatigue from the depression, either or both from the disease and as if being sick isn’t enough it turns into a big mindf*ck.

    I’m sorry. You aren’t nuts; I feel the same way sometimes.

    I don’t think kids care too, too much what attention you give them. I’ve begun counting coloring, watching a TV show and talking, reading books…things I can do when laid up.

    I’m going to see a new endocrinologist, see if we can’t do a better fix. Wanna come?

  5. Babes, I am so sorry. I felt similar when I had glandular fever, but I only had myself and my cat to cope with, not a family.

    I admire you and am sending virtual rest and relaxation your way.

  6. Tomorrow will be better. Just not noticably so. And the day after that and the day after that. Until one day yo wake up and realize that you have returned to your vibrant self without even realizing it. And there are a lot of people here who will cheer you every baby step of the way.

  7. Aw, sweetie. I want to come over and wrap my arms around you. Can you wrap your own arms around yourself and pretend it’s me hugging you?

    One day at a time, Jenny. One day at a time. Sounds cheesy, but it’s true. Go slow.

  8. Oh Jenny!

    Mono is a bitch. When I had it, I think I was out of school for a month? You really can’t do anything, it is just too much. But you get a new notch in your belt of illnesses whose asses YOU have kicked. Because soon enough, you’ll be over it.

    Do you need anything? ANYTHING? I’m happy to help.

  9. Aw hon, I want to hug you… But you’d probably infect me with something.

    Sorry, sickness humor. Just trying to make you smile. Probably missing the mark, huh?

    *backing away slowly*

    In all seriousness, I do hope you get through this soon. I’d bring you chocolates and flowers and little gifties if you didn’t live so damn far away. And I’d continue to crack tasteless jokes, just to make you happy again.

  10. Ah, you poor thing! I wish I could just hug you & make it better. (No dog jokes today, I promise.)

    I think I mentioned in your comments that a dear friend had mono & she expressed some similar feelings to me. What really helped her finally get over her illness was rest. I know it’s easier said than done when you’re trying to live your life & care for a child though. ((HUGS))

  11. I never would have made it in pioneer times. Just saying.

    Is there anything we can do to help (from Minnesota)? Should I send a can of chicken soup to the Houston Chronicle?

  12. Oh Jenny…it hurts my heart that you are feeling so down. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help! What do you need? Dinner? Groceries? Porn?

    I know it’s easier said than done, but seriously? Fuck mommy guilt right now! I’ve found that children are more empathetic and understanding than I ever could’ve imagined. Plus, how cool will it be to tell her future classmates that her mom had PARVO!?!?

  13. *hugs* (look what a good internet friend I am – I didn’t even don my bio-hazard suit on to do that)

    (…Well, for all you know I didn’t.)

    I don’t know about that previous advice you got. I mean, it was funny, but I think it might have been wrong. If things are feeling this bad, you should definitely resume licking yourself.

  14. It does sound like CFS. And honey, there’s no short way back when you’re trying to get better. So relax and let V take care of you.

    I LURVE JessicaC’s comment.

  15. The sun will come out, tomorrow
    Bet your bottom dollar
    That tomorrow, there’ll be sun
    Jus thinkin about, tomorrow
    Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow
    til there’s none

    When Im stuck with the day that’s gray and lonely
    I just stick out my chin and grin and say, ohhh

    The sun will come out, tomorrow
    So you gotta hang on til tomorrow
    Come what may…

    Tomorrow, tomorrow
    I love ya, tomorrow
    Youre always a day away


    The sun will come out, tomorrow
    So you gotta hang on til tomorrow
    Come what may…

    (repeat chorus)

    Tomorrow, tomorrow
    I love ya, tomorrow
    Youre always a day a–way!


  16. Hey, Jen, maybe by Hallowe’en you’ll feel better and Hailey can take her “Parvo Mom” to show and tell in a doggie costume! Just kidding, hang in there, and if you don’t feel better soon, know that eventually you will. I promise (I’m a mom and I can make these irrational promises).

  17. I feel your pain. Really.

    No, I don’t have parvo – it’s a staph infection that refuses to go away, and I can’t get the damn open wounds that are sprouting up all over to heal, and I feel like death warmed over each and every day but I still go to work (cuz after all if I don’t then we don’t eat and I can’t afford the meds, and *that* would really be a bitch), then when I get home I am simply too damn tired to do much of anything, then on top of it I get a jury summons…

    I have finally figured out that either things will get better… or they won’t. I’ll know which one it is when it happens.

    Here’s to hoping you get better, from one who is there (in his own way.)


  18. This is temporary, even though I know it doesn’t feel that way.

    And you are too funny and have too much fun with life for anyone – especially your daughter – to ever look at you and see only the intermittent ailments.

  19. i know how you feel girl. i too am sick with the stupidest rare shit all the time

    it’s going to take time but i know you will pull through. if you need ANYTHING you let me know ok!?

  20. I’ve had that hurt all over achy can’t move can’t stay awake I must be dying thing for a week now. Roy asked if I matched my symptoms with a disease yet. Now I can tell him that I have Parvo.

    Take care, you’ll be better soon and if not Victor can fix you up with a toaster.

  21. All I can say is that I hope you feel better soon! It sucks to be sick, so being sick for a long time really sucks.

    I know, you are reeling from my impressive wisdom and articulation right about now.

  22. Email your address to me…I gotta mail you something that should clear things up pronto.

    Chopchop…give it to Hailey, she’ll put it in the mailbox for you!

  23. (I don’t usually say stuff like this, but…)

    Holy$hit! What in the world did I just comment? It makes no sense at ALL! I’m cracking up right now, just looking at my insanity!

    Maybe it’s because I slept, oh, about four hours last night…or maybe it’s just that I AM crazy.

    Just email your address to me…leave Hailey out of it.

  24. Tomorrow WILL be better. You are a beautiful person who has so much to offer the world of blogging, let alone what you can offer the real life people who know you. Taking care of yourself is part of being a good mother. Hailey will not think of you as the invalid who lay in bed all the time, but the strong woman who struggled and grew and overcame.

  25. Shaggy was always my favorite “Scooby Doo” character, so I could totally dig him on a baggie. Somehow, I think it’s really appropriate given the rumors about Shaggy and his rampant “munchies”.

  26. Don’t forget that not only are you slammed with the sickness, but you just nursed Hailey and Victor back to health. Is it any wonder you are feeling like a deflated fun bag?

  27. The further back I read, the more I realize we have in common. I had only been reading for less than a year so it never struck me before tonight. In addition to autoimmune illness, anxiety and depression, I too had a lot of illness all of my life. Chronic strep being one which finally ended w/a tonsillectomy at age 22.

  28. OK, I’m stalking your archives, and I’m sure a billion people have said this but I’m too lazy to read the comments. I know this was four ish years ago but it speaks so much to me. My husband and I are on the road to trying to get pregnant and I’m so terrified of myself off my birth control (read: sanity meds) that I’m paralyzed some days. What if I can’t help? What about those days I’m ON the meds and still just lay around watching LOST on Netflix? What if I can’t force myself to have six throat infections in a year (the ridiculous number required to have your tonsils removed these days) before I get pregnant? How can I grow a human being and keep my throat from swelling shut? *hugs* Yeah, so I rambled on there a bit, but the point is that it’s nice someone else out there knows the feeling. Sucks we all have to go through it, but doesn’t it make you feel even a little better to know you’re not the only one?

    Or maybe misery loves company and we should all be laughing at each other…

  29. I just read this and thought “Hey! We are twins! ITP and shingles and a burst eardrum and had my appendix out TWICE (one of those times the stump ruptured and nearly killed me) and a stillbirth too.” But I am sorry anyway.

    I hope you are doing better and I am glad that neither of us is dead.

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