You don’t have to read this or comment. I just need to get it out.
I hurt…kind of all over but mostly I think in my head. I hurt from exhaustion, from not being able to work or to be a mother or wife or friend. It’s irrational but I’m afraid that this will never pass. I went to work today for the first time in weeks. I made it 4 hours then came home and couldn’t move for almost 8 hours. I’m afraid that when Hailey thinks of her childhood she’ll think of a woman in bed smiling weakly and telling her that tomorrow she’ll come play. Sometimes I lie in bed and hold my breathe because just the act of breathing is too draining.
I’ve been sick so much of my life that it’s kind of a joke. I can’t even remember all of it…rare blood diseases, shingles, needle biopsies, infections, burst ear drums and chronic strep, a miscarriage that would have meant death 50 years ago. Sometimes I think that maybe I should have died a long time ago, or that soon whatever it is in my body that’s made me so sick will finally kill me. I know it’s just the sickness talking here but right now I don’t have much else.
I keep telling Victor that tomorrow will be better. It has to be.