I need to lose 2 meerkats


Some company just came out with a scale that tells you your weight in animals.  I can’t think of anything more insulting than being told I weigh as much as a hog, or half of a bear.  Is this really working for anyone?  Does any woman wake up and say “Oh I only weigh 8 ducks today.  That’s not so bad.”  I don’t think so.  By the way, I just did the math and I weigh a satchel of 60 smallish ferrets, or 62,000 newborn hummingbirds. 

My God, I’m fat.


PS.  I write a post literally about nothing and it gets more comments than the one about human rights.  You guys are just fucking with me now, right?

Comment of the day comes from Spamboy: “Fuck human rights.  Go, meerkats!”

30 thoughts on “I need to lose 2 meerkats

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Twelve Skunks. The skunk smell has invaded my brain, my sinuses, my body…I can only think in skunks.
    I weigh more than twelve skunks.

    I’m always amazed that the number of hours I spend on a post is not in proportion to the number of comments I receive. Just blows me away that I can post some off-the-wall comment that takes two minutes to post, and I exceed all comment counts with it. I spend hours on a post and get two comments…someone else’s and mine. Go figure. Now, I’m going to go fumigate the bedroom again…Have I mentioned that the dogs killed a skunk and dragged him through my house?

  2. I think they should make the scale in imaginary animal units – that way I could weigh like a gazillion unicorns and it wouldn’t bother me nearly as much.

  3. My one butt cheek weighs one elephant as does my other butt cheek, making me roughly the size of two elephants. Let’s not talk about what each boob weighs.

  4. I don’t need a scale to tell me I weigh more than a side of beef. In fact, just this morning I was on the scale rationalizing to myself, “Your boobs are bigger because you’re PMSing. That’s easily two cornish game hens right there.”


  5. I wold so not want that scale.

    I can’t speak for others, but as a non-parent, I can’t speak to breastfeeding things. I just don’t know anything about it and I don’t feel like I’ll add anything to the subject.

    So, I’ve not commented on like half a hundred posts on it lately. Not that I think it’s okay or anything, but like I said…my opinion wouldn’t count or even make sense.

  6. WTF? If you need this scale, I have some co-workers for you. One just told me (upon finding out how many months pregnant I am) “Hopefully you won’t get too much bigger.”

    I wish I had read this first so I could have said “I still have an armadillo to grow” and watched her face look stupid with confusion….

  7. Weighing 62,000 hummingbirds really is misleading. They are so light.

    But weighing 1/2 a bear – I suppose it depends on whether it was a little cute black bear or a big huge polar bear.

  8. I don’t even want to know how much I weigh.

    But, I do have to ask, how the heck you find this stuff? You are so lucky!

  9. Where do I find this stuff? Half is from random surfing and half is sent from people who don’t have blogs themselves or who don’t want to lower themselves to posting this fluff on their blogs. Luckily for me I have incredibly low standards.

  10. I think the scale would help encourage
    me to lose weight if when it landed
    on the pig it also oinked.
    Does it go up to Rhino…
    and what noise do they make?

  11. SO, the damn thing tells me I weigh as much as three Brontosauri, 2 Giant Squid – and a Partridge in a fscking Pear Tree! (and it was probably Danny, too – dammit!)

    Hell, any mirror (or my boss) would have done that. And saved my €17 euro on shipping, to boot!



  12. Jenny, that’s freaking hilarious, and BTW? FWIW? I have often, and long, noticed that NOTHING often gets a lot more attention than SOMETHING.

    There are two theories for this:

    1. That famous sports coach who said he never talks about his bad times because half the people aren’t interested and the other half are glad.

    2. My mom who said that people always prefer to worry about mowing the lawn when there is a war on.


  13. Wow, I just want to know how you weigh between a duck and a what is that? A pig? Because I would love to weigh 1 duck. It would be one heck of a large duck though. How big are pterodactyls?

  14. Did you see the one in their store that weighs you in celebrities? Everyone one from Baby Jesus and Prince to Mr. Ed and Rosanne. I think that one would be more fun.

    Somehow it seems depressing to see that you weigh as much as a farm animal, but might be fun to see that you weigh as much as a TV star.

    But I am kind of a dork like that.

    Faith’s last blog post..Don’t Let The Bed Bugs Bite

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