Skinny = better (apparently)

 Dear magazine editors:

I just want to thank you for giving me a heads up on what a real woman should look like.  I was kind of surprised when Redbook scrawnied up the apparently fat Faith Hill and then finally CBS made Katie Couric lose about 20 pounds digitally because she was too fat to read the news (I guess).  Aw hell, pretty much everyone who’s anyone is getting digitally skinny enough to stop menstruating and for that I thank you. 

Without this subtle nudge I never would have realized how much retouching my own photos needed.

PS.  How do I digitally make my skull show through my face?  Sorry…I’m new at this.

skinny.jpg

PS.  This photo isn’t technically a lie since I took the bulk of all my extra fat and ribs and reappropriated it as hair weight.

45 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Clearly that photo has been retouched. I know this, in all my wisdom, because clearly your daughter’s weight would have caused your waist to snap if that were your true form. 😉

  2. I’m sorry. Your ear is way too ginormous for me to even look at you. Disgusting.

  3. Even the photo itself looks skinnied up–its shape is longer and narrower than usual. Is it an optical illusion?

  4. I just love that the dress shrunk, too! My daughter and I want Fiona’s dress from Shrek. Fit when she was skinny – fit when she was an ogress! The perfect dress for all of THOSE days (or years as the case may be).

  5. bwahahaha. You just made me snarf coffee all over my desk! 😉

  6. Ew, like, you’re so totally FAT and NASTY in this picture. I mean, ew, and your baby is all pudgy too. You guys need to like, totally lay off the Mocha Fraps. For serious.

    Other ppl have to look at you, ya know. And you’re making me lose my lunch (1 celery stick).

    Signed,
    L.A Girl
    xoxxo

    Okay, whatever, I will be talking in a valley girl voice all day now.
    Nat

  7. um. can I have a copy of the program you used to do this? I want it for… research. yeaaaah. “research.”

    btw, Sandy and her daughter are right on about the Fiona’s Dress observation.

  8. Omigod, that’s hysterical!

  9. Wouldn’t it be great if when we ate crap food the extra weight went to our hair?

    “Damn, that double cheeseburger went straight to my hair. See how full and fabulous it is?”

    Perfect world.

  10. Crazy, isn’t it? They do it to models all the time, too. They take the 1 or 2% of women in the WORLD who most closely fit the crazy beauty ideal, and then tweak them further by computer, even after all the help afforded by stylists, hair and makeup people, and good lighting. So that technically, NO ONE can look like what we see in the magazine. Pathetic.

  11. Um your elbow looks like you could use it to spear a charging rhino.

  12. You ROCK! Awesome post—awesome point.

    I’d like to see the real photo. I bet it’s gorgeous.

    Julie
    Using My Words

  13. Sorry. I am still vexed by the bandaid=lift thing from the previous post.

    So confused.

  14. I think it’s just the baby that’s making me look fat. She’s a difficult accessory to pull off.
    Houston, let’s say that you needed to make a homemade cod-piece so you took a piece of scotch tape and taped tightly from the back of the scrotum to the front of the scrotum so your boys would be up against you. It’s like that, but without the pubic hair issues.

  15. Can you do this to me in real life because I would look so much better in those skinny jeans if you did.

    THANK GOD for DOVE’s Real Woman Campaign, huh?

  16. Oh My Goodness…I think I will have nightmares.

  17. So disturbing but I wanna see the real photo too!

    (I love that dress, btw. It’s great the way it floats around your ankles in the wind. But I bet it looks better in the original.)

  18. Great Job! Now, all you have to do is give yourself a lobotomy, and You Too Can Be a Contestant in “America’s Next Top Model”.

    I am so glad to see your rapier wit is still alive and well – and, apparently, hanging out in your left elbow.

    ~EdT.

  19. Poor little Hailey! How does she manage to walk on those tiny little feet?

  20. lmao can i send all photos of my fat ass to you? cause that would be great!

    your hair looks fab 😉

  21. can you photoshop out my back fat from my wedding pictures? And button Mark’s suit coat? Thanks.

  22. Um, you missed a MOLE *gags*

    I actually rather liked Faith’s unretouched photo, she looks normal

  23. Jenny,

    Thanks for the clarification, as you can see by the time stamp this was keeping me up all night and now I can sleep.

    BTW. You don’t know how many times I have needed to improvise a cod piece, so this will be extremely helpful. (The man in me wants to use duct tape, scotch tape is for wimps.)

    Look for my Wiki-How entry sometime later this week with a cross-posting on my blog. Or you can just listen for the screams when the tape comes off. Most everyone in the lower US should be able to hear them.

  24. I know of a way to make those “pubic hair issues” go away, but it’s not something I’d recommend doing . . .

  25. You stay out of this. Your twig and Berries will be out for the world to see soon enough.

    Jacksonville. Phew.

  26. I liked the ‘before’ photo on the other site better. sorry.

  27. Jacksonville?

    Dare I ask the details.

    PS. I used Picnik to make myself twiggy. It’s free this week.

  28. Jenny,

    You can go here to read the details. If the Texans don’t go 10 and 6 or better, Justin breaks out the old twig and berries for all the lovely ladies to enjoy.

    Currently they are 3 and 3. Last week they lost to Jacksonville 31 to 17.

    ALl I have to say is EWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

  29. This shows how truly warped the fashion world can be. Yikes! No offense to your “new hairdo” (lol) but I think you look without the retouch. 😀

  30. It almost appears that Faith has a body double- rather than a photo shop. Totally different look – like even the hand is missing and arm instead (right side)

  31. I have to say that I like the original much better. The elbow scares me in this one.

    I marvel at your photoshop skills woman!

  32. Next time I’m choosing the photoshop diet. There’s a lot more pie allowed.

  33. This whole issue with skinny is a joke. Don’t they understand that we’ll actually see the celeb before and after the magazine spreads. Why can’t we just admire someone for their natural beauty?

    Pretty soon people will be doing this on those Christmas cards and letters that they send to their families every year and then you definitely know society is going to hell 🙂

  34. geesh! That Redbook picture is freaky once you see the before. I don’t think she’s retouched on Monday Night Football (can they retouch t.v.?) and all the guys still tune in to see her sing the same dang song every week. What’s good enough for a bunch of worked up men isn’t even good enough to sell a magazine to women?

  35. GAH! PICNIK IS AWESOME! Thanks!

  36. Add some knobby knees and arm veins and you’ve gone totally Angelina.

  37. You do look like Angelina in that picture. But I think Jenny is much prettier.

  38. And probably has less diseases.

  39. Those photos of you are so cool.

  40. is that a curve i see? get rid of it!!!!

  41. hey while your at it can you make me look skinny.. i wanna be skinny

  42. ohh and while your making me look skinny can you make me look beau tiii full

  43. I’m a little disturbed by the fact that not only did they skinny up Faith Hill (and take away her shopping bags under her eyes – which I totally wondered about when I saw the retouched photo because damn, she looks OLD in interviews…oh crap, the paranthetical statement has taken over my comment!) Anyway, these poor celebrities – they spend their days going to the tanning salon just to be retouched and “lightened” that’s just sad.

  44. Um theres nothing wrong with being skinny, im naturally like that, and proud to be it, i eat loadz but am still skinny so stop giving ppl stick for bein naturally thin!!

    :@!!!!

    XXXXXX

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