I shouldn’t be allowed out of the house

So last night I went out to the Houston Social Networking Something-or-Another because my fabulous friends (and Sk*rt creators) Design Mom, Girl con Queso and Laurie were going.  Even better, Happy Katie, who I’d never seen before was going to be there and I was so excited about finally meeting her.  I was nervous I wouldn’t be able to spot her since in my mind she is perpetually doing fishy-lips.

I was also nervous about the fact that I was going alone to a party, that I’d fallen a bit behind on my anti-anxiety drugs and that I wouldn’t know a single person there.  I walked in, intent on pretending like I belonged there (I didn’t) and immediately saw the Goddess-like, brilliant photographer Karen who actually waved me over and I was flooded with relief and gratitude.  We got into a conversation with another photographer and after listening to their amazing stories of photographing Stevie Wonder and other famous icons I mentioned that Magnum PI once heard me throw up.  Because that’s how I roll.  So, pretty much filled with verbal diarrhea even before I’d even had my first drink.  

A bit later I ended up loudly yelling something about denying the holocaust to a total stranger which in context of the conversation was totally almost totally slightly appropriate but did not go over well with people standing nearby.  Then I went to order a glass of wine and (knowing zilch about wine) threw myself on the mercy of the waitress who poured me a glass of some fizzy wine.  Of course, I wanted to be prepared for the inevitable wine-bar-question of “and what are you drinking” so, naturally, I gave the waitress my pen and asked her to write down the name of the wine on the palm of my hand.  Like you do.  So she gives me a weird look and writes it on a coaster and I’m all “No.  I don’t want to have to dig in my purse to tell people what I’m drinking.  I need to be able to surreptitiously glance at my hand though my glass to read the name like a cheat sheet” and she stared at me like I was a total moron.  Several people watched us through this whole encounter, no doubt assuming that was trying to get her phone number and was striking out badly. 

Oh and then I told a Quaker chick that all I know about the Quakers is that they make good oatmeal.  Also, I may have agreed to be a Quaker.

 Oh and most everyone in the room had a moustache (for charity) which gave it a weird yet awesome 70’s mixer kind of feel.

Then at the very end I finally met up with Happy Katie who does kisses on the cheek in a very hip, European way and she was adorable.

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And she did fishy lips for me.

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Then we sat in the parking lot talking about Burt Reynolds’ moustache and she invited me to come sketch pictures of burlesque dancers, which, yeah.  How am I going to turn that down?

It’s weird because I look at events like this and think, really?  This is my life?  Because this is far more grown-up and exciting than what I would have ever suspected and so much of it is because of blogging and because of the support and encouragement that you guys have given me to be myself and embrace my “uniqueness”.  So I guess my point is that I shouldn’t be allowed to go out in public ever.  And that blogging is one of the best things that ever happened to me.  And also, that fishy-lips are the new international sign of friendship.

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Also, Courtney, who last night was the first person in the whole world to recognize me from my blog and call me a “rockstar”?  You made my entire year.  For real. 

PS.  Did I mention that I was carrying a full urine specimen in my purse that almost fell on the bar when I was fishing for my wallet? 

I’m so classy it ought to be illegal.

45 thoughts on “I shouldn’t be allowed out of the house

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Oh my gosh Jenny! I went to a party this past weekend and knew absolutley no one! Well, okay, I did know the birthday girl, but that is it. And it was the first time I felt sooooo lost and uncomfortable! I think I spent more time in the bathroom than in the party. And to wrap the evening up nicely, I got hit on by a very large older drunk man. I was flattered. Really, I was. So, I wish I could be as eloquent as you next time. Actually, I hope there is never a next time!!

  2. I went to a Quaker school for 12 years, and even though I’m not Quaker myself, I still think Quakers are great. They are all about peace and tranquility and equality. So it’s definitely not the worst thing you could have agreed to become.

  3. I seriously doubt I’m the first. Plus, you have people reading ALL OVER THE WORLD. For real – people will start chasing you down in airports eventually. Like Britney Spears. But with shoes. And panties (maybe).

  4. sigh. Some girls have all the luck. I was out with the fabby TO bloggers last ngiht, but somehow, there were no fishy lips OR burlesque dancers. Sheesh.

  5. One of my favorite sayings is, “you know there is medication for that, right?” but I am not sure that would apply here. 😉

    fishy-lips

  6. This is why I desperately want a tax deductible reason to go to Houston. We don’t have ANY of this shit in New York.

    Rather, we do, but I wouldn’t get in the door harrrr.

    Um, in a completely unrelated comment, an Old Navy commercial just came on, and when did they get all sexy with people in Old Navy undewear, showing their barely concealed girly parts? (This probably would have been my conversational contribution at this gathering, just to give you an idea.) (Though I did just see that commercial.)

  7. Oh Beautiful Bloggess, I think I love you. On my way home I called Adam and told him I had finally met you and that (and this is me paraphrasing here) ‘I think I want to marry her’.

    Fishy lips forever!! 🙂

    And I also had the sparkling shiraz. 2 glasses later… well, you were there for the fishy lips pic 🙂

  8. You’re right, you shouldn’t be allowed out of the house because YOU ARE EVIL. Because of this post, I clicked on Design Mom’s site, which led me to Quiet Hours Toys, where I proceeded to drop a buttload of money, even though just yesterday I promised DH that my Christmas shopping was complete and I would NOT use my credit card for the rest of the year. Also, evidently, you have caused me to write in ridiculously long run-on sentences.

    Seriously, I defy anyone to click on the Quiet Hours Toys site and get out of there without putting a serious hurtin’ on their bank accounts. That site is amazing. Thanks, Jenny.

  9. I wish I were cool like you. But alas, I’m losing my blogging audience because I’m too busy making a living. At least I finally posted “me as a pirate.”

    Do Quakers really make oatmeal? ‘Cuz I was burned on the whole Jack-in-the-boxes-make-good-breakfast-sandwiches thing.

  10. ali, I was JUST watching that Old Navy commercial last night and I said to my kids, “Since when do people wander around in turtlenecks and underwear?” That commercial disturbs me.

    Also, I would like to force-feed those girls some fat. mk

    p.s. Now need to find me some Black Chook Sparkling Shiraz. Well, maybe not NOW, as it is 6:40am.

  11. I’m pretty sure I’ve called you a rock star, or if I didn’t use those words, that’s what I meant. And maybe it wasn’t to your face, but it was to your blog. Or maybe it was behind your back, I can’t remember now…or maybe I just said, “You RAWK!” because you do!

    You slay me every.time.you.write.!

    Shazaaam!

  12. Obviously it’s been way too long since I visited you.

    1. OMG, your wounds scared me. I’m glad you’re okay.

    2. I agree with you about the dress.

    3. “Moral imperative” – you rule.

    4. Verbal diarrhea on your part always welcome, mmmmm…shiraz, and fishy lips are sure-fire entertainment around here.

  13. Hi Jenny!
    I’m so bummed I missed meeting you at the Happy Hour! I too had the fun sparkly red wine! Sweet alcohol infused candy goodness! I’m glad you had fun and Katie was there to pose fishy lips for you. If you want another glimpse at all those hot mustachioed men we’re having our Sweetest Stache “pageant” tomorrow night http://www.m4khouston.wordpress.com And totally come because I’m really sad I didn’t get to meet you! I’m not a great blogger myself because I start a lot and then stop for months on end, but I LOVE reading yours. It cracks me up consistently which makes for good workday morning reading.

  14. Well, I don’t know what that cocktail waitresses’ problem was! Sheesh. I am sure that happens all the time.

    Still, I bet you were the life of that party! 🙂

  15. You had me going for awhile there with the “mustaches for charity” thing. For some weird reason I thought of Locks of Love and pictured weird guys growing floor-length mustaches that they cut off for poor guys that can’t grow facial hair.

  16. I’ve been a Quaker for my whole life and literally every person I’ve ever told that, immediately asks, “Do you eat a lot of oatmeal?” My friends buy me three of those canisters of oatmeal for every birthday and Christmas. Sometimes I wish I was a normal religion but then a remember that all the Quaker colleges are begging for my attendance and it’s okay again.

  17. Against “orders” I’m still reading all the old posts and this one cracked me up!
    About a year ago I had a urine specimen I was meant to drop in on my way to work. I got side tracked, forgot about it and it remained in my bag for ages. I eventually found it and had to throw it out and start over cos I couldn’t bring myself to call the clinic and ask “how long can I keep a urine specimen before it turns bad?”
    I mean, seriously, they have caller ID…

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