Why I love Texas:
Recently my friend Mark was at a tattoo parlor here in Houston. A rough-looking older lady who worked at the bar down the street walked in and with an accent almost exactly like Granny Clampett declared loudly “I want two tattoos on my tits.“ When the tattoo artist told her she’d need to lower her shirt slightly she sneered at his hoity-toity demeanor and whipped them out, holding each of them in her fists like she was wrangling angry hamsters in tube socks. “What’s the big deal?!” she exclaimed. “They’s just tits, y’all.”
On one boob she wanted a heart with “Tiff” written on it, and on the other she wanted a broken, bleeding heart. Soon a small crowd had gathered around topless Granny Clampett. Someone asked who “Tiff” was and Granny thought for a few seconds before finally deciding “Well, I guess she’s my girlfriend”. She got a call on her cell phone just as the artist was finishing up and she started screaming indignantly “No, I am NOT at the tattoo parlor! I’m at work, dammit!”
Then she hung up and smiled smugly at her newfound entourage. “Oh that’s my damned husband. I told him I wanted a tattoo and he said I couldn’t get one.”
*Huge pause as everyone at the parlor looks at each other.*
“Um…but…won’t your husband know you got one when he sees your chest?”
*Slow look of realization passes her face*
The tattoo patrons look wide-eyed at one another, desperately trying not to laugh.
“Uh…lady? Does your husband know about ‘Tiff'”?
*Drops her head in her hands*
“Oh, damn it.”
And that’s why I love Texas. Because of crazy old ladies, the Tiff’s who possibly love them, and most especially for people like my friend Mark who (knowing that none of you would actually believe this) had the foresight to ask Granny if he could take a picture of the finished product, which he graciously sent to me.
Pretty-much safe for work.
Not safe for any other living thing:
I added the upside-down figgy puddings because I know a few of you might be easily offended, although I’m not sure why.
They’s just tits, ya’ll.
75 thoughts on “Please don’t bring me figgy pudding.”
Read comments below or add one.
Hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. This story has made my day!
I didn’t know that was figgy pudding. I thought you were putting nipples on nipples and that was the least disturbing part of the picture.
And where is the picture of your matching tats? You know you got them, Tiff.
I cannot believe this story, photographic evidence to the contrary. It’s just too insane. But awesome.
I just snorted my Diet Coke. “There just tits y’all.” That’s going to be my new motto.
OMFG You lead the craziest life EVER! I love it. Note to self start hanging out at tattoo parlours!
This is the kind of woman you meet at Super Wal-mart at 2 a.m. Her and Tiff are shopping for matching nipple rings.
Jenny I know you have an active imagination but…You can’t make this stuff up! Only in TEXAS – I wasn’t born here, but got here as fast as I could!
Everyone’s grandma should be that crazy! It’s makes for an awesome holiday.
I want a tat that says ‘They’re just tits y’all’
Those are pretty good tee-its for a Gra-nee.
But I really have to wonder if she *is* a grandmother.
I don’t know if that story is true or not, but thanks for the morning giggle!!
I’m having lunch today with the “ladies who lunch” from my church and now I KNOW that I am gonna just bust out with “there’s just tits, y’all”. Oh, well, as long as I don’t just bust out with the hampsters I guess I’ll be all right!
Using My Words
That is too crazy for words! I think I’m going to add that to my collections of phrases, “They’s just tits, y’all!”
I think the trademark to “They’re just tits, ya’ll” is owned by Britney Spears.
It’s been a while since I’ve seen any of those. Is that how they make them these days?
WOW! I am officially speechless!
Man, I REALLY miss Texas now!
Thank God for Mark. It was a great story made even better with the addition of the photographic evidence. LOL
this truly is the funniest thing! way to go mark!
Tats for tits. Almost as good as cherry-chocolate Diet DP.
Thanks for the laugh! This deserved commenting! hahaahahahahah. What type of tat did Mark get?
Crap – that above comment was me, not my mom.
they’re just tits, y’all…..
i want that on a t-shirt.
*ahahahahaha* Only down here in the good ol’ South, hey?
What a story, OMG!
P.S. Jenny, I have so missed you, too!
I don’t doubt it one bit. Sounds like something someone on my mom’s side of the family would do.
“They’s just tits y’ll”: clearly spoken by the lovechild of Granny Clampett and Britney.
You made my day.
Oh Dear God. I do not want to get old. The picture reminds me of the song lyric “A landslide brought them down.”
Oh my lordie! ROTFLMAO!
I dinkum thought it was a joke until I saw the photo at the end.
Best post I’ve read all day.
running through my head for the rest of the day:
“they’re just tits, y’all.”
Since they’re just tits, I’m sure she’s cool with them being on teh internet. Now, I’m sure she would have “messed you up” if Mark had included her face.
Okay. I just love that.
So let me get this straight … ya’ll got no snow and tattooed granny tits? I’m so moving south.
Happy New Year to you Ms. Hot Bloggess.
You go, Granny.
They even point south! Yee haw!
Oh shee-it this is funny! I just called my 13 year old daughter and hubby over for a look-see.
They’s just tits, y’all!
Sounds like something you might find on TLC!
“Cut n’ Shoot Ink: They’s just tits, y’all!”
Is she coming to MDCQII?
I have to make a clarification on a comment many people seem to be making. Texas is not a part of the traditional South that you may be thinking of when you say, “I want to move to the South.” Texas is Texas. In the South, old ladies get tattoos of their grandbabies’ names on their arms. They do not have their ta ta’s tattooed (in public). That wouldn’t be genteel.
bwaaaaaaaahahahahha love it!!!!
Um, how many hands are holding Grannie’s tits? I’m getting scared about the sag factor.
…and now you know why a former colleage’s family changed their family name from Titsworth to…um…something else entirely. Because we live in Texas and there’s an attitude down here that cannot be explained away in the manner that Flannery O’ Connor, Eudora Welty and William Faulkner explained the Gothic South through literature. When you’re the only state that was its own Republic…you carry your own kind of insanity along for the ride. Aside from that, this woman’s boobs scare and depress me so much I need to lie down. If that’s my future (sans tattoo), I think I’m going to be sick.
I love it! But, between you and Min, I am seeing my hometown in a whole new way.
Her with her photos all over town and you with, well tits y’all!
I hope I am that proud of my boobs when I’m that age. I am pretty happy with them now so probably won’t lose that, right?
They are great tits, y’all.
I’m lovin’ it. And I’m forwarding to all my friends in TX.
Hey, isn’t that Lynn Spears?
Holy frickin shit. That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all year! I’m definitely not the Tiff on those tits!
shee-it, I just had to choke back the giggles so as not to wake the kid! I so need to visit Texas…
(and I’m officially adding this to the list of What I’m NOT Getting for My Next Tattoo.)
it’s enough to make me want to leave california and head to the land where everything is bigger and better.
I think I just peed my pants.
That is gold.
I knew it! There IS an upside to being an A…!
This is the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. FunnyFreakyScary.
Hm. And here I was thinking if she has a gf named Tiff then the chances of her husband seeing those tits is kinda small.
You guys so crack me up.
As always, the comments are more interesting than the post.
two words: um, ew.
Now I love Texas, too, despite never having been there or there being any hope of that happening anytime soon.
Too funny! Wish I could hv been there.
Oh, gosh! Granny tits should just be kept hidden!
Oh dear GOD! I need to live near you, Jenny. There’s plenty of white trash around here, but they aren’t nearly as entertaining.
Lawyer Mama’s last blog post..Opening the Door, Just a Crack
I’m sorry, but everyone who keeps saying “they’re just tits, ya’ll” should be put on a t-shirt are just dead wrong. In this woman’s case, that phrase needs to be on her belt .
anne nahm’s last blog post..January Weight Loss Pic, A Post Holiday Oxymoron
houston is simply the best place in the world.
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Seriously, that is just TOO funny. I hope she went home and said to her husband that it stood for “tough Tiff-y” You know, for when he does things like telling her she can’t have a tattoo.
Well, tough Tiff-y! I’m doing it anyways!!!
Christine’s last blog post..Top of the Class!
How have I not found you sooner. So many people I read also seem to be commenting here. It’s the Fun Monday crowd.
What part of town are you guys in?? Cause I would love to see Granny TitTat in River Oaks or Memorial.
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J. There is a totally valid reason for the late pingback. Can I just say stalking you from afar made my entire weekend? And, by made my weekend, I mean I would rather pour peroxide down razor nicked legs than experience what went down?
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I am dying.
Thanks Holly for directing me over here.
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FUUUNNNNY. I think that quote will echo around in my head for awhile.
It’s a quote that is crying out to be on a tee-shirt, I would think.
Lot of irony here. (having this comment here feels like you’re in a time machine doesn’t it?)
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Dammit! That’s my mom – not my girlfriend…
.-= Tiff´s last blog ..titicuervo: Need a pedi, kind of need a free one tho…anyone with a foot fetish want to help Titi out? No licking tho – please…my feets are ticklish =-.
Tiffs of the world, unite!
Glad to say I’m not the Tiff on those titties either, although I feel a strange, smug satisfaction that my name is on a set of titties somewhere, even if they are old, speckled, and covered with pudding.
“wrangling angry hamsters in tube socks”
Isn’t that a sport held in Guatemala?
P.S. I choked on my tea. Happy? I. choked. on. my. tea. Jenny, I could have died today…