UPDATED: “Merry” is a relative term

in Random Crap

Sending thoughts of anti-depressants to everyone feeling sad, lonely, disappointed or generally pissed-off this Christmas.  Everyone else doesn’t really need my good thoughts because those people are off getting snowmen to marry them, which is not recognized by any court of law and doesn’t make you any less of a whore for sleeping with the dude that night.  Snowmen aren’t parsons or sea captains.  They aren’t even fucking real.

A good rule of thumb is that if you’re reading this on Christmas you probably are the kind of person who needs my well wishes because otherwise you’d be busy toasting yule nuts or whatever the hell well-adjusted people do at Christmas.  Like, if you know what the fuck “chestnuts” are and you own a tobaggan you’re probably not here.  So Merry Christmas to the rest of us.  The tired, the broke, the sick, the people who probably have cancer in their finger and it keeps swelling like some kind of giant cancer pinata that’s going to explode and spread cancer everywhere because I’m pretty sure that’s how cancer works, the people who are Hindu who don’t understand why the golf range is closed, and those of us who would starve to death if Taco Cabana wasn’t open Christmas day. 

Merry Christmas to the rest of us.  I’ll be toasting you with my frozen margarita during Christmas dinner unless Taco Cabana doesn’t serve booze on Christmas in which case I will just scream.

UPDATE:  Taco Cabana is NOT open on Christmas.  Because they hate Jesus.  And want us to starve to death.

Comment of the day: I wonder if the mormons have considered a referendum on snow/human marriage. They totally need to get on that. Also, speaking of fucked up christmas songs, whaddup with that little drummer boy? You know that Mary is all, “Hello, I have an infant! I already have to sleep in a barn where it is noisy and smells like cow dung. I really need some kid in here beating a drum? What the hell!” ~ The Wife

95 thoughts on “UPDATED: “Merry” is a relative term”

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  2. Well, I am somewhere in between well adjusted and “the rest of us”, so I’ll accept the good thoughts. That doesn’t really dilute them does it? I mean if 100 people accept your good thoughts, is that less “good thought” for each person than if 10 people accept them?

    Cactus Triathlete’s last blog post..Typealyzer

  3. I desperately needed your well wishes, THAT’S why I’m here.

    I came, I was duly insulted…and now I’m worried I’ve got cancer in my finger…GREAT, just G R E A T!

    p.s. Is it wrong to think a giant cancer pinata is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard of? Cause I HATE cancer and I’d sure like to beat the ever-lovin’ hell out of it >:(.

    😉

    Merry Christmas, Jenny.

  8. I try to act depressed and angry all year round so the holidays are a breeze. Christmas is easy. Wait a few days for when New Year’s Eve hits and everyone at the party is french kissing and dry humping each other while some of us are sitting there eating Doritos and wondering if Guy Lombardo is rolling in his grave over Ryan Seacrest ringing in the new year.

    But why are you complaining? Just think how hard it is for us Jews. Like our Hindu and Muslim friends, we have nothing to do all day except sit around and watch bad TV Christmas movies on Lifetime.

    Merry Christmas, though!

    Neil’s last blog post..Christmas Day Tidbits

  9. Merry Christmas to you, too. My evil plan of revenge to my husband for not helping me out at all in the lead up to Christmas has worked. He is sitting in a pool of nuts and bolts, cussing all the assembly work he is doing. Don’t fuck with Momma.

    shonda’s last blog post..Festivus For The Rest Of Us

  12. I had a meltdown last night when all the Christmas stuff wasn’t even close to being done and all I wanted to do was sit on my ass on the couch in the middle of a clean house. All is well today, though. Merry Christmas, Jenny.

  13. Thank GOD! Hearing all this “Merry Christmas” shit is making me roll my eyes. I am soooo fucking sick of Christmas, and I think it gets worse every year. One girl even posted what she got on a Myspace bulletin–get a fucking LIFE!

    I think xmas is only fun if you are a kid or have kids.

    Because fuck it ALL! I have NO decorations to take down. So after doing xmas at the in-laws, all this wrapping shit is going STRAIT to the shed. I don’t even care if it’s the middle of the night–this shit is outta here.

  15. The kids are asleep. Blackberry’s switched off. Hubby’s watching football. We don’t celebrate christmas, hanukkah, eid or kwanza here.
    I feel an impending sense of doom… but it may just be the bottle of california blonde hair peroxide I just emptied on my hair.

  16. Taking my roommate to the overcrowded airport full of angry people whose flights have been delayed. Not even flying, just escorting her. Happy Christmas, and thanks for the well-wishes – very needed.

  19. Thank you for recognizing that not everyone has perfect and “merry” holidays. You put out what I wanted to…but then everybody would be all like “Andrea’s gotten all depressed again, time to up her meds”…or shit like that, and I don’t feel like dealing with their verbal diarrhea right now. So I’m sucking it up and will probably get a giant cancer pinata of my own. Awesome.

    Andrea’s last blog post..merry christmas

  22. Wow! Thanks so much Jenny! I put up absolutely nothing and am now in bed with a fibromyalgia flare-up. Not much to smile about today, but the “Cancer Pinata” made me laugh my ass off. You can check– Look! Less ass!
    The Minx

  24. Dude, all I did all day was staying in and sleeping. Life fucking rocks. But then you know, I don’t celebrate Xmas either so it’s all good this side of the world.

    In any event Happy Christmas to you Bloggess. May all your wishes come true and may Santa bringa huge bag of mooonies for you.

    the Constantly Dramatic One’s last blog post..Happy Christmas!

  26. I know what chestnuts are and have roasted them on an open fire, but I appreciate your wishes as I lie in bed (alone) listening to gunfire here in the ghetto of Hollywood.

  27. I think I love you in a lesbian stalker kind of way…but I digress.

    So far all Christmas plans have been canceled because the roads are slick and icy and no one wants to be out. This is my sister’s first Christmas since her husband’s fatal accident, my mother’s first Christmas without my dad in 60+ years (because the weather won’t allow travel and he is 50 miles away from her over the mountains and through the woods to the assisted living facility). In spite of heavy hinting, Chookooloonks hasn’t shared her rum punch recipe with me yet, and I have no fucking pinata to beat and get candy or coins or anything from…even cancer.

    We put up no decorations and didn’t even wrap the presents. Good news? Less to clean up.

    Merry Christmas to you and yours. Loved the caroling video.

    Wanda’s last blog post..Because of Our Wisdom ~ Love Thursday 12.25.08

  29. I lurk and don’t usually comment, but I had to this time. Thanks for posting this for the rest of us. 🙂 I spent four hours of last night hysterically crying: merry Christmas everyone!

    At least the kids are having a great time.

  31. We can’t get to the family thing because of snow (sweet!) so we are watching TV and eating leftovers, wondering if it’s too early to start drinking yet.

    Also, I’m probably going to hell because I didn’t get up and go to Mass today.

    So, this post made me feel better – thank you 🙂

  33. this actually made me more depressed than i was already… but thanks for posting, gave me something to do/read!

  34. Of course Merry is a relative term. It’s the only time of the year you’re forced to make merry with the relatives, right? Feliz Navidad as you’ll be spending it with Senor Taco and that margherita should work wonders on your cancer finger.

  36. Thank you for this post….finally, someone recognizes the Rest of Us. While my closest friends frolic in the land of the Well-Adjusted, I’m here hoping to hell the pizza joint is open so I can have some semblence of a holiday dinner.

    I am grateful for one thing on this day, though. No kids. While my childed friends are dealing with post-sugar upset stomachs, ungratefulness, and sugar-induced hyperactivity, at least I have some blissful quiet.

    As for the holiday in itself, though. Fuck it all.

  37. Let’s see: I slept in until 10-ish, got up, had eggs toast and coffee. Wandered over to my ex’s place to pick up the kids after lunch. She gave me some leftover ham from lunch. Back to my place to open presents and scrounge for batteries. Currently taking a break while kids play a Spongebob videogame (which makes a lot of boing and burble sounds). Next up is preparing dinner and the annual Throwing Out of Excessive Packaging. Tomorrow, we need to go to Target and get D batteries for the R2D2 robot.

    Food, batteries and landfill. When it comes down to it, isn’t that what Christmas is really all about?

    Steve’s last blog post..Oh Deer

  39. Are you sure Taco Cabana is open today? Because that seems like a very un-chain-like thing for a chain restaurant to do.

    Just in case, as a fallback, I can vouch for a good Chinese buffet that’s open today on Westheimer just outside the beltway. No margaritas, though.

    Jim Porter’s last blog post..A really big shoe

  44. When my husband read your post to me earlier today (yes, Christmas day – we are geeks like that. All of us. At supper last evening we talked Star Trek – DS9 no less) and I heard you were relying on Mexican for food today, I asked,

    “Doesn’t she live in Texas? Good luck finding an open Mexican joint on Christmas down there.”

    That is why my late husband and I always scoped out the local Asian food cusine. Chinese on Christmas is nearly always a never fail.

    Worried about your finger. Doctor’s offices close here for three days starting yesterday (it’s that Canadian Health system ya all lust after) but you should really be pounding down the DR’s door tomorrow (day three of finger crossing for the sick here because it’s Boxing Day).

    Merry merry.

  46. Re: UPDATE

    Yeah, Mexico being a strong Catholic country, I doubt you’re gonna find a lot of options for Mexican food today.

    You’re probably gonna have to think like a communist if you wanna eat out today. You know, like Chinese food, or vegetarian.

    Jim Porter’s last blog post..A really big shoe

  47. I was recently chastised by a former classmate who objected to my “too happy” Christmas letter, so maybe you’re not wishing me a happy day but I’m here anyway.

    You might enjoy my post today which features a link to South Park’s “Merry F*cking Christmas.” Prozac and/or hard liquor not included

    P.S. Why won’t you be my FB friend? My too happy feelings are hurt.

    stephanie (bad mom)’s last blog post..god bless us, everyone (except the sinners)

  50. Merry Christmas. I went to church last night and got completely overwhelmingly furious at the woman (a friend, BTW) who sat behind me with a cold. She wanted to hug me and I glared at her and said “DO YOU HAVE A COLD?” and she sheepishly said “Yes, can I just shake your hand?” I said “No,” in the most horrible, dismissive way possible, backing away. She said “Well, Merry Christmas anyway,” and I kind of scoffed.

    Am I a good churchlady or what? Insulting people at the Christmas eve ceremony, right after singing about baby Jesus. THAT is the kind of lovely person I am this holiday.

  53. You, dear Bloggess, have summed up the Christmas spirit perfectly. This has been the most boring day I’ve had since last fucking Christmas.

    Merry Christmas, Jenny.

  54. If it makes you feel any better, my cat clawed me this morning under my fingernail. How he did that, I’ll never know. This is the same finger that’s healing from a hair scrunching accident wherein I tore off a chunk of skin with the nail of another finger. It is my middle finger. Yeah, that sounds about right.

    Merry Christmas to the messed up among us.

    Kathy’s last blog post..Weirdest Trip Memento I’ve Ever Saved

  55. Merry Christmas sweetie.

    No snowmen here in Australia, Christmas is already over and it is hot enough to bathe in frozen margaritas.

    I am saving you room right next to the pool and bucket of margaritas with me. Get here NOW!

    Kelley’s last blog post..HO HO HO!

  56. I wonder if the mormons have considered a referendum on snow/human marriage. They totally need to get on that. Also, speaking of fucked up christmas songs, whaddup with that little drummer boy? You know that Mary is all, “Hello, I have an infant! I already have to sleep in a barn where it is noisy and smells like cow dung. I really need some kid in here beating a drum? What the hell!”

  59. Compelled to stop invisibly lurking for a moment and wish a Happy Christmas to you, you luminous shining bit of internet brilliance, you!

    2008 has been such a mess — 2009 has to be better. Right?

    (my fucked up Christmas song moment is the line in Silent Night — “Holy infant, so tender and mild…” Every. Single. Time. I hear it, the little snarky voice in the back of my head whispers “Mmmm…that is great Holy Infant. _So_ tender and mild — did you simmer it in butter, or what?” Surely there is a special hell out there for me…)

    Merry, merry, merry to the rest of us, indeed.

    Miss B’s last blog post..Merry Fucking Christmas

  60. Snowmen are totally sea captains. Obviously the lack of food has fucked with your brain. Carls Jr. is open. Some God fearing person told me to boycott Carls Jr. because they were open on Xmas. I said, “SCORE!” because who the fuck wants to starve or cook on xmas?

    Sam’s last blog post..Merry Christmas

  61. I manage to get through today without a)fist fighting my mother AND b) without cussing her out. I did finish off more than one bottle of wine and yell at my kids a lot but all and all Merry works for me and this is definitly where I belong on Christmas. Cheers Jenny and Happy Birthday to sweet baby Jesus!

  62. I’m one of those pathetic souls this year who Santa pissed on. I think he was referred by Murphy and his effing law for the rest of the past 364 days. Thanks for the well wishes and the laughs and may you keep all your digits for the new year. At least it’s not the middle one, now that would be tragic.

  64. I think there’s a new proposition for legalization of snowman marriages in the works. Look for it on the next California ballot….

    And if Taco What’sitcalled (I’m Canadian, forgives) isn’t open, there’s always Starbucks…….

    Happy Holidays!

    Haley-O’s last blog post..Hanukkah! Hanukkah! …And Francy

  67. Everything is open here in Las Vegas, but we don’t have Taco Cabana anymore. Maybe it’s because this town doesn’t tolerate restaurants that won’t feed the beloved tourists on Christmas day? So, Las Vegas has your back on this.

    I realize that may not be comforting.

    Plus, the restaurants are too crowded, so we’re at home eating rubbery cheese sticks. And I just noticed that the cheese sticks are kinda like little effigies of your sick finger… which means I’m symbolically eating your finger-cancer, especially when scraping the exploded cheese off the baking pan… and this is a little like being Jesus. Or that guy in the Green Mile.

    And if I’m like Jesus then, Know This: I hate you right back, Taco Cabana!

    Happy Christmas!

    Shari’s last blog post..Under the Covers with the Dark Lord

  71. God! Hang on, because first I have to run to the backyard to tell my boyfriend that he isn’t real. He’s not going to like this….

    And those Taco Cabana bastards…I knew they were a bunch of communist pigs the first time I ever ate there. Who else besides communists could make beans that good? People who hate baby Jesus, that’s who.

    HeatherPride’s last blog post..10 About 10 Equals ONE HUNDRED!

  73. Jenny,

    I, too, am, figuratively, laughing my ass off way out here in the middle of the Yucatan Peninsula, surrounded by water on 3 sides. I have found that it best to simply walk away from the whole damned country at Christmas time, which, of course, means having to leave, realistically, the day after Halloween. But, I digress… For Christmas I forgot the card I would have given my husband if I wasn’t on Darvocet and Margaritas on the rocks, I swam in the Gulf of Mexico at 2pm, and ate fried fish with my non-cancerous, although arthritis-ridden, fingers.

    I don’t understand all this Baby Jesus talk. Christmas has never been about anything but a visit from Santa Claus for my 56 years of life and it never will be. Baby Jesus. For Christ’s sake, if anything is not REAL it’s him! Oh, sorry…

    As for the cancer piñata, I’m there. But, perhaps it would be best just to amputate–kind of like with dead hobo fingers. Do you think that post might be coming back to haunt you like Jacob Marley did to Scrooge? I’m just askin’.

    I also love you completely, in a non-stalker, non-monogamous, non-sexually-oriented way, and I wish you the merriest fucking Christmas ever with lots of cool shit from Santa!

    Thank you for making my Christmas bright and making me feel like a have a community into which I fit just perfectly.

    Amitiés,

    La Framéricaine’s last blog post..Merry Christmas, Queridos!

  74. I was trying to fit my holiday inspiration on a hallmark card, but your blog is close enough.

    Many needlessly suffer the holidays, laboring under the delusion that the point of Christmas is feeling great, when it is really about great big feelings. If you’re more than like 10 years old, this can wicked suck.

    End the suffering. Feel big, and don’t bogart the veuve.

  75. I’m alone this Christmas and decided to catch a flick and some food at Alamo Drafthouse. I didn’t order any verbal abuse with my meal, but I got an extra holiday helping anyway.

    I was repeatedly F-bombed by a guy sitting 2 seats away from me because I had the outrageous gall to ask him to get off his cell phone DURING the movie. Seriously!

    He and his girlfriend couldn’t shut up for half the movie and I let it slide but I had to draw the line at taking a friggin’ phone call. Also, he tried to walk his check. On Christmas! WTF is wrong with people?

    I might never leave my house again.

    Thanks for the well wishes… I need them!

  76. A truly hilarious post, and just what I needed to read today. I’m reading this after our family’s Christmas gathering, and this being Houston, I can’t build a snow(wo)man to keep me company anyway.

    Yeah, Taco Cabana was closed, along with just about everything else besides most gas stations/convenience stores, and probably some drug and grocery stores.

    Only 6 days and change until New Year’s. Let the party planning begin.

  78. I not only own a toboggan, I have roasted chestnuts on an open fire and grew up with a chestnut tree in the backyard (but not the kind you eat, stupidly enough) – but that’s geographical. I’m here anyway, because it’s 5:30 am and I’m up feeding my babe despite being nearly insane from tiredness. Yay.

    kittenpie’s last blog post..One-Liners

  79. Chinese is generally a safer bet than Mexican to be open on Christmas, but they are also a safe bet to not have margaritas, so what’s the point? Other than the not starving to death thing.

    Hope you had a good Christmas with alcohol and didn’t starve to death.

  80. I didn’t read this yesterday because I was too busy weeping and begging whatever higher power is out there to just please please let this day end.

    I read it today because I am at work. My life is awsm.

    Nena’s last blog post..Christmastime!

  82. They don’t even sell beer on Christmas in GA. I guess they figure we’ll all get shotguns from Santa and then get drunk and shoot our cousins. Good thing mom had a fresh keg in the kegorator!

  83. Come to my house for Swedish meatballs and lussekatter next year. We didn’t so much do “Christmas” was we did “pagan Viking celebration, w00t.” This may or may not have anything to do with my obsession with a viking Vampire from the Sookie Stackhouse novels, currently embodied by Alexander Skarsgard on True Blood.

    May or may not have *anything* to do with it.

    Cynical Nymph’s last blog post..Theatre Thursdays – The NOT Christmas Edition!

  85. Those of us that were off doing “traditional holiday” shit? Totally wished we could trade places with you margarita drinking, finger cancer spreading, sick, lonely Internet losers.

    Because spending time with my boyfriend’s family, sans alcohol, is much worse. You lucky bastard.

    Cat’s last blog post..Righteously Indignant

  87. Okay, I’m here on the 26th, but I would have been here yesterday except I kind of had one foot in the grave. And all I wanted for Christmas was a Macho Taco from Del Taco, which is open every damn Christmas except this year. WTF is that about? So I ended up sick and taco-less on Christmas. Hopefully, you didn’t starve to death. That would sort of suck.

    Mo’s last blog post..Santa Hates Me

  88. Sometimes I get the urge to toss my laptop at the sliding door, open or not, when I read ‘Taco Cabana…’ you might as well have said ‘Chuys’ then I would have really tucked my head in the oven. Because I miss Houston like, that much.

    traci’s last blog post..Ho, Ho, Ho…

  89. I must admit I avoided visiting The Bloggess yesterday because I didn’t want to risk smiling on a day that was destined to be full of angst and wailing and gnashing of teeth and who wants to be cheered up when wallowing is the whole point, so here I am a day after Christmas, and I’m still fighting any sort of jolly-ness because laughter reminds me of elves (not the cute and friendly and sacrificial elves you see in those holiday specials, but the dastardly, evil, IRS-sponsored elves who pretend they’re doing you a favor by sewing all those shoes while you sleep, the subsequent sales of which lead to the loss of any and all welfare benefits because suddenly you make just enough money to be considered “not poor” and yet not enough to actually afford the wood that heats your stove so you end up starving to death as a just-initiated member of the middle class, whereupon those elves laugh themselves silly because they really are evil) and I don’t want to be reminded of elves (except for Hermie, I suppose, who is actually Jewish and just goes along with the whole Christmas thing to earn Santa’s trust so he can hit him up for a loan to finance his dream of someday becoming a dentist) or egg nog or tinsel or happy fucking Whos down in Whoville or Jimmy Stewart or Charles Dickens (I want to see the publisher-rejected first draft of A Christmas Carol where Scrooge goes insane because of his “visitations” and ends up killing Tiny Tim and his whole family by pummeling them with a bag of gold coins) or any other holiday cheer…so when I finally got up the nerve to visit this blog, I was so glad to discover a non-cheerful post filled with angst and Prozac and cancer-pinata references that I accidentally smiled.

    Thanks a lot, Jenny.

  90. Since my husband left me, i have lived with this amazing hubby-ghost who’s thoughtful, funny and very quiet. I know he’s not real, but he keeps me off meds. As for xmas, after enduring churchgoers staring at my mom’s drunken cries (she’s still not over my divorce) in church and my crazy aunt’s behaviour (she goes into crying fits over her dead son and two seconds later breaks into karaoke xmas songs) i really, really couldn’t wait to get back to my ghost-husband.

    Don’t knock unreal spouses, they work for some of us.

  91. I find Christmas a helpful holiday. It outs the “jolly” people so that we know who the village idiots are. Ever since the Supreme Court stopped us from making them wear special hats it’s been useful. Disney World and Disney clothing, as you found out, function the same way.

    On an unrelated note, I once used “But you can do the job while you’re in town,” successfully as a pickup line, so I’m fine with that song.

    Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..Another miracle starts when they stop believing

  92. I am SO glad that you mentioned the “getting married by a snowman thing,” because I was at our office Christmas party last week and I was all, “ooh, let’s sing the song where they get married by a snowman!” and a coworker/friend of mine was like, what?? And then they PLAYED the song, and she still acted like she didn’t know what I was talking about, and I finally had to get another coworker to back me up and explain to her that ‘parson’ means ‘pastor’ or ‘priest’ or ‘guy who will get you married.’ And I used to really like that girl a lot, but it just pisses me off SO BAD when I say something funny or intelligent, and someone stares at me blankly like I’m stupid, but really the reason they don’t understand it is that that THEY’RE stupid, DAMMIT.

    Wow, I’m glad I got that out.

    Also, this is my first time posting here and apparently my blog doesn’t have a feed so if anyone wants to check out my posts it’s http://www.sharingtimestation.blogspot.com

  94. I gotta tell ya, with this post you secured your spot as “Blogger I’d Let Snot On My Shirt If She Needed To.” So, like, thanks and stuff.

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