I’m dying, or at the very least losing a finger

in bizarre, functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, If I was a dog I'd be dead by now, Just sad, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap

So for the last 3 weeks my pointer finger has been swollen and immobile but I’ve avoided the doctor because I’m pretty sure it’s some sort of karmic payback because a month ago there was this guy in our lobby and he was on crutches and missing a leg and I smiled at him and he gave me this look like we knew each other but I didn’t recognize him so I kept walking but then I realized he totally works in my department and I wanted to go back and be all “Oh, hey you!  I haven’t seen you in weeks!  How are you?” but I was afraid he’d see my whole “Oh, I didn’t even recognize you without your leg” look and so instead I just pretended like he’d always been without a leg, which is probably totally inappropriate and then like a day later my finger stopped working and I’m pretty sure it’s some sort of karmic punishment from God, who, by the way, throws a pretty kick-ass church camp.  I know because I went to my first church camp thingy last week because (I don’t know why this is so hard for you people to believe) I work for a Christian organization that likes to hire heathens and it was actually kind of awesome except that it was out in the woods and all I could think about is that it’s totally the kind of quiet place that hot teenagers get slaughtered by axe-murderers but only the skanky ones having sex so I figured that I was safe but then the second night I had sex and I was all “Great.  Now I’m fucked”.  I should mention here that my husband works with me so it wasn’t like I was having sex with a stranger.  I may not be a good Christian but I don’t just go around having sex with random strangers at Jesus camp, thankyouverymuch.  But the whole time all I could think about was the giant wooden cross nailed to the wall of our cabin and when I first walked in and saw the cross the first thing I thought was “WTF?  Am I in Van Helsing’s room?”  And then later Victor was all “We made baby Jesus cry” and yeah, we probably did, but I’d like to think Jesus stopped listening after I totally accidentally said “holy shit” in the chapel and then right after that I had a discussion with this guy over whether “holy shit” or “fuckity-fuck-fuck” was more blasphemous and I say “holy shit” is worse but I guess it doesn’t really matter since technically I said both.  And then I was attacked by a plague of these abominations.  And by “plague” I mean “one” but he was really jumpy and also could FUCKING FLY so I’m pretty sure he counts as like 12.  And then I started thinking that since all the land at Jesus Camp is blessed and holy it would totally be an awesome camp for Highlanders and then I started wondering if all the water in the toilets was technically holy water and it freaked me out so bad I couldn’t poop for like 3 days.  It was probably all in my mind though, much like my zombie finger.  But then my mom came down this weekend and saw my finger and my achey feet and she said I probably have what she has, which was cystic something-or-another so I got all panicky and called my doctor today and was all “I THINK I HAVE CYSTIC MALAYSIA” and the nurse was all “Malaysia is a continent” and then I was all “Oh, well something like that…systemic ambrosia?  Does that sound right?” and apparently it didn’t because she put me on hold AND THEN HUNG UP ON ME.  While I’m suffering from Cystic Psychosis.  But then like 5 minutes later she called back and set up an appointment for tomorrow but I’m thinking of cancelling it because I’m pretty sure it’s something fatal because the nurse was all “Uh, I’m just gonna write down ‘hurty finger’ in your chart” but she was writing for a really long time so I’m pretty sure she wrote something like “Get paid up front.  This chick’s a fucking goner.”

PS.  It isn’t cystic fibrosis.  I can’t remember what it’s called but my mom looked it up last night on wikipedia and it was un-deadly and said something about being brought on by stress.  It didn’t explicitly mention the stress of possibly doing it in front of Jesus but I honestly can’t imagine that helped.

PPS.  If they cut off my finger I’d want everyone to call me ‘Four-Finger McGee’. 

PPPS.  Except technically I guess I’d have nine fingers.  But two are thumbs so really that’s seven? Fuck.  Never mind.  Just call me ‘Jenny’.

Comment of the day: I knew a chick who had her (very large) dog’s scrotum tanned after he was knackered, and then made a necklace-pouch-stash-bag-thingie out of it. Maybe not as cool as having your own finger on a string, but pretty fucking cool anyway. And the pot took away some of the smell of leathery dog ballsack. And it probably would’ve been pretty confusing to police dogs: bark at the necklace? Lick the necklace? ~ TJ

142 thoughts on “I’m dying, or at the very least losing a finger”

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  2. I saw a show last night on one of those medical channels that show all sorts of horrible things. It was about these people that have random things on their body grow uncontrollably, and one woman had her feet grow really incredibly huge and I really like the color of her incredibly massive shoe and wondered if I could get shoes in that color, except much smaller, about 40 times smaller, so maybe that’s what you have in your finger.

    Human Woman’s last blog post..Holiday Greetings

  4. Wouldn’t that be awesome if your finger was amputated and the doctor replaced it with another middle finger? Then you could flip people off twice with the same hand.

  6. Maybe that’s why you were having trouble with your IPhone? Once you get this fixed you can throw out those dead hobo fingers, which are probably pretty stinky by now.

    Cara’s last blog post..Traditions

  11. I wouldn’t worry too much about the nurse. After all, she thought Malaysia was a continent. It’s not.

  13. Oh my I certainly would go through with going. I highly doubt its anything highly serious but maybe you got a splinter or a bug or something of that nature at the camp and its infected. None the less it would be better to get it checked out before it does turn serious.

    Heres hoping you get to keep your finger for christmas. 🙂

    Carol Pyles’s last blog post..** CONTEST ** Fav Movie Quote

  14. No effing way I am in the top 6? Sweeeet. This must be because I mentioned you in my post today. It’s karma. Kinda like your finger issue, which I totally agree has to do with doing it in front of Jesus. I did that one time and the very next day came down with the worst yeast infection ever.

    true story.

    Petra’s last blog post..History is Made: The First He Blogs, She Blogs

  17. If you lose that pointer finger, how will people know when you flip the bird at them with that hand?

  23. If you have pets make sure to sleep with your bad finger is covered.
    Feed them a little extra before you go to bed.

  24. I once worked with a woman for like SIX MONTHS before I looked down on her desk one day and noticed she had tiny baby fingers on one hand and I was sooo close to exclaiming “ZOMG what happened to your fingers??” as if the day before her fingers had been normal, then that night she like drank too much and had sex with an elf and her fingers shrunk. Luckily my brain was all “dude, she was probably born that way and you should probably stop staring at her hand now” at the very last second before it would have been awkward. Gud thing I’z soo smrt.

    Georgia’s last blog post..Certain Someone

  27. Now I know why I find you so amusing–you’re a southern girl! They are the only ones who get systemic ambrosia during the holidays. Less informed doctors just diagnose your condition as fruit salad fingeritis.

    All the best to you in ’09 Jenny. Keep writing so the rest of us can feel so-o-o normal!

    Faye’s last blog post..Kiwi Christmas Tree

  30. Texas. Although I’ve lived here all my life and it was the first one I’d ever seen. I can only imagine they only show up as some sort of harbinger to finger amputation.

  35. Actually, if she lost the finger, she WOULD need the dead hobo finger.

    I’m going on a wild guess, but I think you’re just sore from pointing at all the heathens.

  37. Have you considered the possibiliy that one of those monster bugs laid its eggs in some tiny scratch in your finger and it hurts because they are slowly growing to maturity and soon they will hatch and burst forth from under your fingernail? Because that could be it.

    EdenSky’s last blog post..I like to talk about myself.

  39. Jenny – clearly if the toilet was filled with holy water, you should use it to poop – because then it would be, well, holy shit.

    Sorry about your finger. It must be hard to type with your finger full of ninja mole cricket larvae.

  41. Well, first of all, Malaysia is a country, not a continent, so you should go in and laugh at the nurse.

    Second of all, HOLY RUN-ON SENTENCES, BATMAN! I thought the guy who trained me to do my job was the worst, but you just beat him into the ground. Do you ever top for breath when talking out loud?

    Finally, for the record, there are much more offensive things to say besides holy shit and fuckity fuck fuck at a Christian camp, because God is not mentioned in either of those. Once you add those three letters to any curse word, you have surpassed the profanity bar.

    Hope your finger is not so hurty.

    a’s last blog post..What?

  44. My favourite part was when you just finished having sex, saw the crucifix and then said, “Now I’m fucked.” Well, technically you should have said, “Now I’m gonna be fucked AGAIN”. Unless you were still doing it when you said that. In which case you’d have to say, “I’m being fucked.” Just sayin’.

    Walking With Scissors’s last blog post..Finally Moving Forward

  45. Holy jeebus you just keep getting better and better!

    I know “Chuck” doesn’t mind you boinking in front of his effigy. The finger is probably from too much self-pleasuring, methinks.

    thedemigod’s last blog post..A Photo-finish Holiday

  47. Holy mother. Aliens-disguised-as-bugs and church camp sex and a zombie finger…that’s some way to kick off Baby Jesus’ birthday. Merry Ho Ho, Jenny. Hope that finger gets better.

    xo

    SAM’s last blog post..So Lonely

  48. Are you kidding me? Karma is a bitch and she is very specific.

    Your dead hobo finger (read those three words,and be thankful its the finger that is ailing you and not either of the the other two words) post is what did it, not the whole sex in front of Jesus thing. If you were a real Christian you would know he is always watching. And you are always doing it in front of him. And he is going to punish you with your kids for that one, or something… but don’t ask me, I’m just a girl who went to Catholic school, so I’ve got issues.

  49. That bug scared the daylights out of me. I’ve lived in Texas all my life and never seen a mutant bug like that.

  53. Your blogging has always impressed me. But knowing you’re currently doing it with only nine functioning fingers? Awe. Struck.

  54. It would suck to lose your finger right before Christmas. Or worse, end up in the ER on Christmas Eve night when you really need to be home perpetuating the whole Santa lie thingy. Did that come up at church camp? I would think it would as it is close to the Jesus birthday thing.

    Anyway, good luck with that finger thingy.

    P.S. It’s not the middle figure? Is it? That would be a loss.

    annie’s last blog post..Book Giveaway! Matrimony by Joshua Henkin

  56. There’s a lot of greatness in this post, but the Van Helsing line has to be my favorite…

    I’ve played a lot of church camps in my time…I don’t know that there’s any scriptural precedent for Jesus cursing someone’s finger. Ask one of your bosses…I’m sure they’d love that conversation.

    todd’s last blog post..THANK YOU, APPLE

  57. That’s why it’s easier to be Jewish. Then it’s a good deed if you have sex with your husband & doubly so if it’s on the Sabbath. It probably doesn’t even make Jesus cry…all that much much.

    The only part I can’t figure out is if it’s still a good deed if you’re not actually married to your husband. At work tell me it doesn’t count, but I’m thinking shacking up is really, really similar. Ok, Jesus might need a hanky here after all…

    Jill/Twipply Skwood’s last blog post..Yet Again We Have Escaped the Public School System for Two Entire Weeks!

  58. I never had sex at Jesus camp and that has always been one of the biggest regrets of my life. Hey, can I come visit you the next time you have to go? I will bring my husband, I won’t molest one of those hot teens. Now, I might dream of them while doing it with husband, but that’s still good behavior in my book.

    shonda’s last blog post..Have A Corporate, Corporate Christmas

  60. Thank you for making me forget about the puking child for a few minutes. And try not to listen to your mother…they have it in for us for all the puking and diarrhea we had when we were kids. Re: doing “it” in front of Jesus…I’m sure you weren’t the first. And like you said, the axe murderers will go for the skank whores with the big boobs first.

    Andrea’s last blog post..mail call sunday…er, monday

  64. so, when you go to the doctor you should totally smack that nurse upside the head with a dictionary or encyclopedia because Malaysia is a country, not a continent.

    Then you should stick your diseased finger in her eye for laughing at you when she put you on hold, because I’ve decided that all nurses do that.

    I’m Jo. And I’m awesome.’s last blog post..I’ll be home for Christmas…

  65. I’m wondering if it was your middle finger? Because the middle finger is, you know, the “fuck you” finger. And you said fuckity fuck so it would then follow, quite logically, that if it was karma payback your “fuck you” finger would stop working.

    Just sayin’ ……

  66. Last time I went to a bible camp for adults the people in the room next to us had ridiculously loud sex multiple times during the night. The sin there was that they kept waking me up.
    In the morning the husband showed up at breakfast without his wife and said that she was sleeping in because she hadn’t slept well. Almost spewed my coffee at him.

    Jessica (from It’s my life…)’s last blog post..The holidays in pictures – Part 1

  67. Did you know that holy water is actually just plain fucking TAP WATER that the goddamn priests (oh yeah, I went there) just put a blessing on, i.e. mumble mumble God mumble Holy Spirit on? I keep asking my favourite pastor if I run a bath at my house, will he bless it and then I can have a bath in HOLY WATER? Because I sorely need it. I have been struck by lightning in church YET…but it’s only a matter of time…

  68. There’s a guy at my work with a really little arm, which he always keeps hidden by holding it as though he’d shoved it into his pocket half way up forearm. I don’t know why he’s ashamed of it and I honestly think hiding it just makes it worse.
    For the first 3 months I worked here, I thought he was constantly playing with himself and so I’d scowl at him disgustedly and disapprovingly to let him know that I was on to him.
    Also since I found out, I keep on uncontrollably asking “Do you need a hand?”
    But I’d recognise him on the street, because I’d think “Who’s that creep with a hole in his pocket?”

  69. I keep on getting finger death-gangrene-cystic-whatsit too! Although I don’t technically know what it’s called. But my finger hasn’t fallen off yet, so whatever.

    Hurray for Jesus camp for heathens? Sounds like an army recruiting thing. And those bugs look like the scourge of the skies and quite possibly the Things That Live Under Your Sink And Jump Out At You When You Least Expect It And Then Eat Your Face Off.

    The Archduchess’s last blog post..Jouer cartes sur table

  70. Zombie finger…hmmm. If it grows a mouth, I’d definitely cut it off. And I personally think it would be awesome if it had been your middle finger. Flipping people off with a stump would make people freak out that much more 😀

    Brandy’s last blog post..I’ve Been Pimped!

  71. I knew a chick who had her (very large)dog’s scrotum tanned after he was knackered, and then made a necklace-pouch-stash-bag-thingie out of it. Maybe not as cool as having your own finger on a string, but pretty fucking cool anyway. And the pot took away some of the smell of leathery dog ballsack. And it probably would’ve been pretty confusing to police dogs: bark at the necklace? Lick the necklace?

  73. holy fuck. what IS that thing? that totally counts as a plague. maybe two. yikes.

    um. sorry about your finger. the nurse is cracked. malaysia is not a continent. ha! shows what she knows.

    Ericka’s last blog post..Leverage…

  75. Fuckity fuck fuck I wish I never saw or heard of those horrifying mole crickets.

    Thanks for the heads-up, I suppose, and yet at the same time, thanks for nothing. Two inches long, digging, flying, or swimming, and looking like that?

    I’d rather not be looking over my shoulder when I’m violently sent to that good night.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..The weather inside is spiteful

  77. Holy shit! I just looked at the flickr pic. Are you sure that you weren’t at Anti-Christ(ian) camp? I am suddenly reminded of the locusts in Egypt and am very weirded out. I’m hella glad to be on the other side of the Atlantic from those ugly mofos.

    Mrs C’s last blog post..Pants*

  79. I am guessing that your mommy thinks you have fibromyalgia. It’s one of the only phantom diseases that sounds like Malaysia. It’s definitely a disease that mom’s would diagnose on their children as if wishing them mysterious unexplainable pain for the rest of their lives that no one will believe actually exists and forcing them into chatrooms where others who have been diagnosed with this talk about how miserable it is and how nobody believes them. You may have cystic fibromyalgia, which I just made up or it also may be dysplasia, in which case your family will probably have to have you euthanized at the vet’s office. If you think it’s hard to put down a dog, imagine how tough it will be for Victor and little princess to have mommy go to the big farm in Heaven with lots of chickens to chase and other dogs to play with at this time of year. God bless your family during this difficult time. Especially hard to have to put someone down during the Christmas season. You should get your affairs in order.

    Lesson: Next time go do it in the car or the boathouse instead of the twin bed under the Jesus cross.

  81. hahahahahah.

    sex in the Jesus camp. I had sex in the church the other week. no one was there, but I sure saw heaven, baby! LOL

    and I’m sorry about your Malasia. That’s a hideous disease that people just don’t take seriously. Thankfully, it’s not your leg, or you’d end up like the guy from your department. Maybe he got Malasia leg?

    Debbi’s last blog post..Yay or Nay (a la Ginger)

  82. fuckin’ A, if they have to cut off your pointer finger, what will happen to your blog? that was MY first thought. cos if you think about it, some of the best letters are typed with the pointer fingers. I mean there goes J (jenny) F (fuck) not to mention (well okay I’m mentioning) R, U, V, M, N, B, Y, and T. Jesus H. Christ … your posts are gonna look hella weird or maybe you’ll have to get Victor to type or you’ll have to buy one of those voice activated keyboard. and something tells me that your voice isn’t quite entirely…ahem…normal so who knows WHERE that will lead.

    So, hopefully they won’t be cutting off your finger. After all, it IS all about us. the readers. Or maybe the finger sickness can get shifted to a toe or something. much less of a loss.

    Kimberlee’s last blog post..the times they are a changin’

  83. My dad (a pastor) cut off his middle finger on a table saw. We now ask for high four-and-a-halfs instead of high fives. I thought it was pretty clever, myself.

  84. Well, it could be karma or it could be some sort of Malaysia-inspired finger disease or it could be a fungus responding only to those gross anti-toenail-fungus products that proclaim on their labels: “Does not work on nails.” So go figure.
    Merry Christmas!

    Cathy’s last blog post..12 Days of Christmas Countdown

  85. You know if they cut off your finger maybe they would give you a bionic finger, that would be rockin’. And everytime you went to push a button on your iPhone you would hear that cool music that you would hear on the Bionic Woman show, or was it the Six Million Dollar Man. At any rate, it would totally rock.

    Domestic extraordinaire’s last blog post..Do you know what time it is?

  86. when I read your blog and I read the comments, I know I am home. so funny, instant classics. like…

    @TJ for knowing a chick with a dog scrotum purse. wow, can’t you top that?

    Ms. Jenny,
    Want to know why the nurse took so long to write in your chart? Because she couldn’t decide between 10-40 and 10-41. That’s the police 10-codes for 10-40 mental patient and 10-41 intoxicated person.

    She probably had to get a coin and flip it. My guess is it landed on its side and you got both. I usually get put on hold forever and I know they are probably all in the smoke break room getting stoned and filling out my chart laughing. paranoid in my chart much?

    Merry Christmas o Ye of Zombie Finger

    reeky’s last blog post..Part of my Daily Reads, Betta Than CNN

  88. At least you haven’t started randomly stabbing yourself in your own hand, a malady with which I was recently afflicted. And not even always when I’m drunk. OK, it’s only been two times so far, but neither stabby place was in a location I could pass off as stigmata, so I was disappointed.

    Lori’s last blog post..What’s the Big, Fat, Hairy Deal?

  89. OMG this totally happened to me, my finger was sore at first and then it got all swollen and it hurt like a MFer and then I went to the college clinic and they tried to lance it with a pin WITHOUT WEARING GLOVES and so I just left. Then the infection spread up my arm and I had to go to the ER and they lanced it with a scalpel and cottage cheese drained out and it was awesome and gross, but the infection went away. Unfortunately the infection ate away some of my bone so now I have a janky pointer finger.

    Totally true story. Go to the doctor unless you want a janky pointer finger.

    The Other Dawn’s last blog post..Your Tax Dollars at Work

  93. My grandma pricked her finger on a rose thorn and then it got infected and then they cut it off except they hooked all the tendons and nerves from her (now missing) forefinger to her middle finger on that same hand so it “feels” like she still has all her fingers. Which I think might be worse.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Lucky for me, I have THREE weirdo grandpas

  95. That abomination is a mole cricket. Not only are they horrifying to look at, but they’re a real pain in the ass when you find yourself sunk into the earth up to your knees because they’ve been feasting on your front lawn…

  96. If you had to get your hurty finger amputated, I would probably pretend that I didn’t notice but would try to secretly sneak looks at it and then would probably make gagging noises because it would look kind of gross. That’s probably more respectful than asking you about it.

    Miss Yvonne’s last blog post..Colin Firth and Wine: A Winning Combination

  97. I was about to say “All I ever did was learn to French Kiss at Church Camp.” but then I remembered more and, well, I’d be lying if I said that now. So I won’t.

    In some cultures they call it ‘Swol Point’, it means you’ve exercised the pointer finger too much, and the rest of your body not enough, so your finger gets ‘swol’ like those body builders do. But the rest of your body doesn’t. So you should work out more. Right?

    Heather’s last blog post..17th of December, Part 4

  101. I’m so tired of trying to be *extra* funny when I post comments here, so here are the two things that popped into my head while reading this post:

    1. I feel totally validated that other people sarcastically and tragically discuss baby jesus. All I want to do lately is stop at one of the millions of nativity scenes that everyone has outside their houses and either draw a giant mustache on the baby jesus, steal it altogether and replace it with a giant ham, or replace it with a little black baby jesus. Then I’d hide out and see what happens when they notice. Hopefully, they’d drop down on their needs and start praying.

    2. It totally depresses me that you use wikipedia to validate medical stuff. It was probably some 12 year old from Bangladesh who wrote that entry…

    SassyTwoSocks’s last blog post..Getting married ghetto style

  102. When I saw the photo of that creature on Twitter this weekend, I yelled out “Holy fuck!” which caused my husband to come running to the room because I also yelled out holy fuck the last time I fell down the stairs, so, you know, he thought he was putting two and two together. I showed him the photo and he said, “That’s better than the time you fell down the stairs!”

    Anyway, when I fell down the stairs, my leg swelled up and I was all kinds of screwed. So has your finger fallen down the stairs lately?

    for a different kind of girl (FADKOG)’s last blog post..would you like a gift receipt?

  103. OK, First of all, your nurse DID NOT really say, “Malaysia is a continent” did she?? Like, since when did Malaysia become one of our seven continents? I have been away way too long! I’ve missed reading your crazy stories. I love the part about making baby Jesus cry! Too funny!

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Handbag Fetish

  105. oh, my darling Jenny. you: still equal parts lovely:mad. it’s dashed elegant how you keep up the wicked lashed to the brilliant and the way it all bleeds together spun from sugar into a laced chain of snowflakes and depraved, leering souls spent from too much devouring of it and wrecked from the gut-wrenching laughter that ensues.

    this is my xmas ode to you, dropped in the midst of another long string of comments written by people just trying to rub their hands together near your fire. yes, i am absolutely intimating that people want to (not dry) hump your leg. possibly as much as jesus does, now that he’s been made so much more aware of you.

    oh, and how clever. of COURSE that’s why you went to jesus camp and dragged Victor, the “co-worker/husband” character, along with you. so you could introduce jesus to some of your more vampish skills.

    dashed clever.

    *bows low before themastress.com*

  106. Ya know what would be cool? If your finger got amputated and you got it stuffed, like by a taxidermist, and then you could post it on ebay to sell for charity. Then you could do a NEW xmas book for your parents, with nasty photos of your finger places where it really shouldn’t be (probably places it already has been), and then all the money from the ebay auction could go to homeless porn stars or something! That would be cool!

  107. okay, if it weren’t for you being in a little pain, i would be laughing, laughing, laughing out loud! i am so sorry but the way you tell this story is so effing funny. but hey, have a great christmas.

    raino’s last blog post..Christmas Meme

  111. You are my hero – I have so much to learn from you about run-on sentences.

    Babies don’t know when you’re having sex, especially immaculately conceived babies, so you’re a-ok with Baby Jesus as long as you still have his binky.

    Cat’s last blog post..The Real Slim Shady

  112. So, you were “holding it for Jesus?” Not allowing your shit to flow makes for a constipated Jenny and a bunch of unhappy bloggers.

  114. Malaysia is actually a country…not a continent. So just whip that bit of information out when you see this nurse and remind her who the smart one is!
    And if you have to have your finger removed…just hide it in her food or locker or purse or something…

    Liz Caro’s last blog post..Heart Cry

  118. I thought we told you NOT to drink the kool-aid at Jesus Camp. Now look what happened.

    Ok, maybe I understand why you drank the kool-aid now after Rye’s little tid-bit of terror. Flesh eating sperm AND giant squid. The Hell!?! Do not poke the phobias pal. The meat eating, hand digging “mole-cricket” or whatever the hell was bad enough.

  119. So all I’m sayin’ is just be glad it’s not your middle finger. Can you imagine them having to cut off your middle finger and then you getting mad in traffic…then what do you do ?

    Well I guess you have another one…but really you’d never be able to do like a ‘double fuck you’ like if you’re really mad and stuff

    WM’s last blog post..Seattle, we might have to break up.

  123. So, what happen to the guys leg? I so thought he was going to come back into the story, but after reading you for a year now I am not sure I would think that.

  124. jenn, i’ve subscribed to your blog for some time but have never commented until now. i effing LOVE your stories. and what the hell is up with that mole-cricket thing? that is not natural. it can’t be.

    anyway, cheers and merry christmas!

    .escamilla.’s last blog post..…me & the lil’ man…

  125. THIS. THIS post, right HERE?–it’s why I adore you. Ok, adore may be tooo strong a word. Or too “gay” a word.

    Maybe I mean… This post reminds me that although I am fucked up and crazy–YOU are fucked up, crazy and FUNNY. And me likes that. Alot.

  126. Wow. My Jesus camp growing up was nothing like your Jesus camp. Granted it was a Mormon Jesus camp in Utah so there was no cussing or sex only praying and singing and scripture study. Guess our plague was guilt.

    I think I’d much prefer your camp.

    Summer’s last blog post..The aftermath of Christmas parties

  128. So I was going to say that I didn’t wade through your assload of comments and was just going to assume that I was the only one witty enough to notice the irony in you saying, “…the second night I had sex and I was all ‘Great. Now I’m fucked’ “, but then I decided to do a quick search to see if anyone else had caught that and of course someone did, but I’m going to pretend that I didn’t do the search and hence will have a forgivable reason for making a joke that was already made.

    BUT.

    In doing the search that I actually didn’t do, I just did a “Find” for the word “fuck” and THE FUCKING WORD FUCK IS ON THIS FUCKING PAGE FORTY FUCKING TWO TIMES HOLY FUCK IS THAT FUCKING CRAZY.

    AND.

    I also want to point out that one time I wanted to show that I was cool with disabled people being normal and was going to prove this by not giving this girl without a thumb any favoritism. I theorized that if she had a sense of humor, I could wait for the right time and congratulate her on something by offering to give her a “high four” and I think the people I was talking to misinterpreted my awesome and groundbreaking tolerance and instead said I was going to hell.

    Johnny Truant’s last blog post..Unfortunately, pants

  129. Is it okay that all I got from that post was “holy shit” “I had sex with a stranger” and then “she hung up on me”?

    And why is there only one other person talking about Van Helsing? And they didn’t even talk about how cool it was that Jenny got to sleep in his room. A zombified finger is not all that cool, guys. You’ll get more than enough of them during the zombie apocalypse.

  130. I think that “Jesus Fucking Christ” , “Jesus, Mary and Fucking Joseph” or “Jesus Fucking Christ on a Holy Shitstick” are right up there with most blasphemous. In case anyone is doing a survey.

    Good luck with your finger. I hear that Cystic Malaysia Ambrosia can be cured pretty effectively having sex BACKWARDS in a Jesus camp. I just haven’t figured out how to do it yet!

    chris zydel’s last blog post..PAIN FREE CREATIVITY: YOU DON’T REALLY NEED TO SUFFER FOR YOUR ART

  135. …does the Van Helsing Room at Jesus camp cost more? How far in advance do you have to make reservations? Just in case….

  140. Pingback: jeff balke - so much for the monastery » Blog Archive » Top 10 Blogs I Read This Year

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This month’s book club picks are fire. For @fantasticstrangelings we have Lucky Red by @claudia.cravens and for @nightmaresfromnowhere we’re sending you Dead Eleven by @jimmyjulianobooks
Advice from Dorothy Barker: Go outside and find the sunset. Touch the grass. Bark at squirrels. Pee aggressively while staring at the neighbors. Eat a bug. The usual.
Instagram makes suggested reels based on old content and I assume most people have beautiful vacation photos or wedding compilations, but this is what they suggested for me.
Sitting in ihop after graduation and “who’s gonna drive you home” comes over the sound system and now I’m lightly weeping into my pancakes but I’M FINE.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: Just read it. Trust me.

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