With a title like “What I got for Christmas” you’re probably thinking it’s going to be something about how I got inner peace or Jesus’ kiss or something, but no. This is a list of shit I got for Christmas because people keep asking me and I’m tired of having to go into the details when they’re all, “Uh…what?”.
1. My cat’s ovaries. Technically it’s not really a gift but it cost so much to have her fixed Victor and I couldn’t afford presents for each other so I’m counting it. I had it done early to avoid the Christmas rush but it turns out that there isn’t really a “rush” on neutering your cat. What was awesome though is that we also got her de-clawed and so we had to buy this weird pellet kitty litter made from newspaper so she wouldn’t get an infection and Victor’s mom came to house sit while we were out of town and when we got back the cats were all “What the fuck, man?!” because she’d mistakenly filled up their food bowl with the litter pellets and apparently thought they just weren’t eating because they missed us. I documented it all in 12 consecutive twitter posts. The neutering. Not the litter thing. I’d rewrite it here but I’m lazy and also my finger is about to explode from what the doctor thinks is probably arthritis or lupus but what I’m pretty sure is some sort of cancer piñata. And then when I told Victor that the doctor thinks it could be lupus he was all “Should I get some silver bullets?” because he’s an asshole. Now I’ve forgotten where I was. Oh yeah…the 12 twitters about my cats’ ovaries:
1. When you ask for your cat’s ovaries in a jar to prove she was actually fixed the vet gets all kinds of offended.
2. But they shouldn’t because it’s just like air filters.
3. Like when your mechanic changes the air filter you’re supposed to ask for the old one so you know they changed it.
4. I tried to explain that the vet but obviously he *wants* his mechanic to rip him off.
5. In related news, my cat is a fucking mess.
6. I bet she’d feel better if I could explain what happened to her using her ovaries as a visual aid but I can’t because her vet is a dick.
7. I tried to act it out using two grapes but she just got scared and hid under the bed. I think the background music I chose was too much.
8. It was “Ride of the Valkyries”. She hates Wagner
9. Fuck. It was just pointed out to me that Wagner was a possible nazi and my mangled cat is possibly Jewish
10. When I get home tonight I’ll act her surgery out again using that song they always play when Darth Vadar walks into a room.
11. “Dun-Dun-Dun-Dun. Dun-Dun. Dun-Dun-DUUUUN!” That one.
12. I’ve eaten all of the grapes I was using for ovaries though so I’ll have to use the marbles from Hailey’s Hungry Hungry Hippos game instead.
I should add that you are not supposed to twitter 12 things in a row on twitter. It’s a rule. If you have that much to say you should put it on a blog. Which I just did. But now I’m so confused I don’t even know what I was writing about. Did I mention I’m on drugs? Not ones my doctor gave me because she didn’t want to prescribe anything until we have a diagnosis she wants me to suffer she realizes I would probably sell them for street value. But I’m making up for it in xanax. Which doesn’t lead me at all to the second thing I got for Christmas:
2. A large envelope from Random House, which I initially thought was an offer on my book and my ticket to writing full-time but then Victor reminded me I hadn’t actually submitted my book yet or even finished writing it at all. Because he’s an asshole. Instead it was an advance copy of my friend Katherine Center’s new book “Everyone is Beautiful” which was so awesome that I locked myself in my car in the parking garage to read it without interruption and the characters jumped off the page although the security guard implied that might have been from the fumes filling up the garage and then he got all yelly about the carbon monoxide from my car because apparently it’s my fault that their lack of ventilation was poisoning people.
3. A sci-fi sex book and a tiny box with a voo-doo zombie princess and a picture of a diseased foot on it from Lotta. This is already my favorite Christmas gift so far and I haven’t even opened the box yet.
4. A free session to get fitted for a bra. Honestly, I could not even make this up. Not a bra. A free session. That’s free to anyone who wants it. My husband booked a free session for me to strip half naked and get molested by a disinterested clerk. Because he’s an asshole. And when I was all “Uh…oh” he was like “You know…for your boobs.” And I realize that it was meant with all kinds of love but it doesn’t change the fact for Christmas I’m going to have some stranger groping me. To see what size I am. While I’m naked.
5. I got to write this. Because even though he gave me what might be the worst Christmas gift in the entire world he also lets me vent on my blog about anything I want and even makes sure that every year I have enough money to go to BlogHer even though he knows that a week later I’ll be a wreck and there will embarrassing drunk pictures of me floating all over the internet for years to come. Because actually he’s not really an asshole at all when it counts.
PS. Speaking of Blogher, they are lowering their advertising payouts, which weren’t exactly extravagent to begin with and so I’m looking at other options. Thoughts? Ideas? Bids? Because I can write AMAZING ads. Like this:
Have you tried Chipotle lately? Because if you haven’t you are an asshole. It’s like Subway except instead of lettuce they have guacamole. And they have lettuce too! Plus I know this guy that wrapped himself up in tinfoil and when he got up to the line to pay for his burrito he was all “I AM A BURRITO!” and they gave him the burrito for free. Also their beans cure polio.
See? Kick-ass.
PPS. I’m considering a site redesign to help lure in a sponsor. Here’s a sneak peak: http://bacolicio.us/http://thebloggess.com
PPPS. Chipotle, you owe me sixty thousand dollars.
Comment of the day: We only give out free food to people who bring in their cat’s ovaries. Sorry. ~ Chipotle