So yesterday I left my doctor a teary message begging her for something stronger than the rheumatoid arthritis meds that are not working for me at all and I happened to mention that I read a study about medicinal marijuana helping and then right after that my pharmacy called and said they had “something” for me. They weren’t specific so I assumed it was probably pot, but when I got there they gave me pills and I was like “They make it in pills now?” Then the pharmacist looked at me weird but then I remembered that smoking causes cancer and so they probably had to convert it to pills so it wouldn’t break their hippocratic oath. But then I opened the bag and apparently I over-stated my symptoms because MY DOCTOR PRESCRIBED ME METH.
Y’all, I don’t even know how to take meth. I tried to look it up online but I got distracted by this list of meth nicknames, one of which is “pootananny”. Honestly, I’m doing a drug called “Pootananny”? I’m embarrassed for meth now.
UPDATED: I tried snorting it and the pill got stuck up my nose so instead I tried to cook it with a lighter but the spoon melted and now it smells awful in here. Also I realize that I probably shouldn’t have used a plastic spoon but I didn’t want my kid accidentally eating with a used meth spoon later. Because I’m responsible.
UPDATED part 2: Okay, I tried it again using a real spoon but the pootananny still wouldn’t melt so I added a little butter and then it totally dissolved. It tasted terrible and also I don’t feel high at all.
UPDATED part 3: Fuck. I think I’m immune to meth.
UPDATED part 4: Crap. I just read the instructions and apparently I’m supposed to take 7 meth pills today! I’m totally going to need more butter. I’d drive to the store to get it but I’m not sure if you’re supposed to drive on meth. I guess I could ask my neighbor if I could borrow a cup of butter but she knows I don’t cook and she’d probably assume I was using it for illegal drugs so then I’d show her my prescription and be all “No, it’s totally legal” and her husband would be all “Who was that, honey?” and she’d be like “Oh, it was the neighbor showing me her prescription meth” and then they’d both think I was bragging and would never invite me over because I’m a show-off. They are very simple people and all they have in their medicine cabinet is off-brand aspirin. I think they’re Amish.
UPDATED part 5: Okay, I’ve taken 3 pills and all I feel is guilty for eating so much butter. I went to Taco Cabana and told some high school kids I would be willing to trade some pootananny for weed and they just looked at me funny. Then I got back home and looked up pootananny again and apparently it means “vagina”. I’m totally going to get arrested.
Comment of the day: And NOW I have that Ice Cube song stuck in my head, the one where he says he killed the pootananny. I’m pretty sure he’s not talking about meth, though. ~ Andrea’s Sweet Life