I am a terrible roommate

Warning:  All of the posts written at blogher are written under the influence so they will be even more incoherent and misspelled than ever.

So I’m here at Blogher and my roommate is always Laura Mayes from The Queso and Kirtsy because she’s awesome and able to put up with me and a very good chaperone except last night she and I and Gabi from Kirtsy and Design Mom decided to sneak out to a quiet dinner and then right in the middle I had a panic attack and I didn’t have my xanax and everyone had to leave because I suck. Then I came back to the room and hid under the desk until the xanax kicked in and I looked over and I was all “Why did Laura bring a play pen?” and it was her fucking suitcase. Like, it’s so big that is has it’s own warning label on it. And Laura’s all “It just says ‘Heavy'” and I’m all “IT HAS MOVING INSTRUCTIONS ON IT. Like ‘Bend with Knees’ and shit” and she’s all “Nuh-uh. Oh wait. Yeah, it totally does”. So I twittered about her enormous suitcase while I was sitting under the desk and I’m all “If I knew how to twitpic I’d take a picture of it but I don’t know how to do that stuff” and Laura’s all “IT’S NOT THAT BIG” and I’m all “It’s like a small canoe” and then she just kind of rolled her eyes but then this morning I crawled in there and I’m all “See. I can fit in here with all the towels and everything from the mini-bar and still have room” and she gave me a look like she couldn’t quite believe I was sitting in her suitcase and also like she couldn’t believe I’d put Bloggess stickers all over it but if anything she should be thanking me because now it’s easier to spot.

Oh hi.  I'm in your suitcase

Oh hi. I'm in your suitcase

She wasn’t really mad though because she’s used to me although she did mention that I was holding like 8 thousand dollars worth of booze but I’m pretty sure if I drink it in her suitcase she has to pay for it.  These are the rules of fancy hotels.

I didn't really drink it.  I just held it up to my lips.  This is how swine flu is spread, I'm pretty sure.

I didn't really drink it. I just held it up to my lips. This is how swine flu is spread, I'm pretty sure.

Also, if you’re in Chicago come to the People’s Party tonight at the Sheraton.  I’m meeting a possible serial killer there and I’m only slightly joking.  More later.

Comment of the day: Don’t let a serial killer see that you can easily fit inside a suitcase. It gets them all worked up.~ Fred

55 replies. read them below or add one

  1. “Laura’s all “IT’S NOT THAT BIG” and I’m all “It’s like a small canoe””

    My co-workers now think I’ve lost my mind because I just snarfed Cherry Coke through my nose and then couldn’t stop cough/laughing.

    Thanks for that and for making me laugh on a bad day. Kudos.

  2. I heard that people had to pack with cargo trunks at BlogHer cause of all the free schwag you guys leave with…
    In fact I think she should have considered going bigger!
    xo

  3. Moving instructions on a suitcase? Crap. That’s huge. Clearly she doubted your ability of self-promotion and comparisons. Never again will she doubt you.

  4. AGH! I want to be at freakin Blogher sitting in suitcases and drinking from the overpriced minibar! Have fun 😉

  5. You look cute in a suitcase. It doesn’t make your butt look big at all… I swear.

  6. I’m so jealous– it’s like summer camp for grown women.

  7. OMG, I am going to see if my work will pay to send me next year. Also, I have the paddles for that suitcase.

  8. Maybe, since you are under the influence I can get an answer from you… or did you already forget about me? My xativan (xanax and ativan cocktail self made) is almost empty. I took your advice but that was only for a week.

  9. 9
    Just A. Reader

    I’d like to put you in my suitcase and take you home with me. Don’t tell anybody. I’d hate to have a delay getting through security.

  10. Wholy farging schnit batgirl! Be careful… she might have just FINALLY had enough of your crap and plans to do a Club Kids wack job on ya then stick you in the body bag. I’d advise drinking everything, it will hurt less. Ha! Have a blast at that Commie party (I suggest wearing red and a consealed weapon for the stalker guy)

  11. Don’t let a serial killer see that you can easily fit inside a suitcase. It gets them all worked up.

  12. See, she’s actually the smart one. Because now if there’s some huge freaky climate shift like in The Day After Tomorrow (shut up, it could happen) and everything starts flooding then she can just climb into her suitcase canoe and be like “HA! Sucks to be you!”

  13. Two words for Laura: SPACE BAGS!

    Yes, she will still need to lift with her legs not her back (space bags don’t make things lighter, unless you use them in space), but at least she’d be able to disguise the fact that she’s bringing a month’s worth of stuff to a weekend event.

    Also, they provide evening entertainment. You all can have “space bag” (think potato sack) races up and down the hall in the hotel.

    Have fun!

  14. Here I was thinking I knew all there was to know about tonight’s party – but no – now there will be a potential serial killer? I hope he’s like Ted Bundy and all sweet to the fat girls and buyin’ em drinks. As long as I don’t get IN the car I’ll live. I figure he can only get one fat girl and I can throw someone else in front of me at the last minute and just have the free drinks, right? All the BlogHer chicks that aren’t me better not be thin or I could be in serious trouble. Unless he’s some other kind of fat-hating serial killer and then I can mock him all I want before he kills someone that isn’t me. Thank goodness serial killers have a type or none of us would be safe!

  15. Oh yeah? Well, big suitcases are overrated. All “look at me in a chicago suitcase having fun without you losers.” I know it’s not what you said but it’s clearly implied. Thanks for rubbing it in. Have a nice time or whatever.

  16. Um, Jenny, you do know that the floor in a hotel room is likely to be as soiled as the bedspreads in hotel rooms, right? So whenever you are in the hotel room you better stay in that suitcase as there is likely to be nowhere cleaner to park yourself.

  17. That suitcase SO matches your eyes!

  18. It really makes me happy to sit here and virtually stalk you and your Blogher experiences. I cannot even imagine rooming with you, let alone giving you hang time in my baggage. I agree with Yellow Trash Diaries about Summer Camp for grown women. Rock on!

  19. You look cute. That’s what matters really right?

    You are NOT meeting Nancy whatsherface the paralegal?!? You must post pictures!!!!

  20. I just want to know if you put all that liquor back or not?

  21. I wish I didn’t read you at home with my kids screaming at each other upstairs. I would love tohave the joy of sharing you with someone who would find you as – – – I wish I had a job and co-workers, so someone would intervention me about my blog(gess) addiction/stalker-like fetish.

    Hope you’re all having a wonderously lovely time and that you share every bit of it with us – here at home with the kids slamming doors upstairs…

  22. Bloggess you really crack me up. I love the way you think…. she should totally pay for the mini bar if you drank it while sitting in her luggage. Good luck with the serial killer thing.

    PS….DON’T forget your XANAX.

  23. You should beware of serial killers. I hear they are not nice people.

    Also: where can *I* get a bloggess sticker, or 12? Awesome!

  24. Poor Laura’s sitting there thinking, “I don’t remember packing her!”

    Have a gr8 time, y’all!

  25. I so wanna go to whatever this party thingie is tonight and meet you but we’re SO POOR. 🙁

  26. Oh my gosh the Paralegal is coming tonight. I might have to join twitter just to see what you have to say about it.

  27. Is it Nancy W. that you’re meeting? Please, please, please post pictures.

  28. 28
    Cedarflame

    You need one of those vials on a necklace like Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thorton wore around their necks with each other’s blood in them, but in your case it would contain emergency xanax and then when you went somewhere you would always have your life blood…ah xanax with you. They also have those little medicine bottles that you can hook to your key ring or have your ear pierced and hang it from your ear as conversational jewelry. Or have a false tooth made that you can bite down on real hard in cases of emergency like they do with the cyanine tablet in spies…wouldn’t that suck if you were a spy and had one of those and you grind your teeth while you slept? Maybe they wear those little mouth guards while they sleep just to be safe.

  29. I really wish I was there, because I’d probably end up drinking 8 thousand dollars worth of booze, because I am a product of my environment, and if everyone else is doing it, then I want to too. But I’m all kinds of pregnant, and I’ve heard that’s not really good for the baby. So maybe it’s better I’m home, with my smelly dog, and a glass of milk. Because it’s really fun to compete with your dog about who has the smelliest farts. Much more fun than BlogHer. I’m sure.

  30. oooh I wish I was there. I remember meeting you at BlogHer ’07 baby! I think we even have a picture together (which is now poster-sized at my Bloggess Shrine). Pick me up some sex swag, eh?

  31. Despite my sadness at not being at BlogHer, I’m totally happy that you’ve affirmed my belief that getting drunk in a suitcase is an awesome way to spend the afternoon.

  32. Now this is a picture that Haley will be showing her future husband to explain her mother. Basically awesome.

  33. Ok, what the hell kind of parties/meetings do you go to that your meeting a partial serial killer? Don’t tell the killer about the boat sized suitcase because he/she might see it as a perfect body bag. Seriously.

  34. Don’t forget to wear the cute Drew Barrymore wig. I wish I could wear a wig that made me look like someone famous and adorable. Or just famous. Of just adorable.

    It’s kinda sucking that I’m not there. Sigh.

  35. (1) I’m very glad you were able to come out from under the desk eventually.
    (2) Holy Fucking Shit, that is a crazy big suitcase!
    (3) Your blouse/dress (?) is so darling I don’t even have words for it.

    Now then. All that tiny booze is not going to drink itself! You’d best get to work, lady!

  36. How do I get me some of those Bloggess stickers?

  37. DAMN, I wish I was there! Have a drink for me as I attempt to get my almost six month old to fall asleep on his own, ha!

  38. Are you meeting Nancy?! If every post from here on out starts with “OHHHHHH MY GWADDDDDD GIRL” – we will know that Nancy is a serial killer that killed you only to take over your blog and probably wear your wigs in some creepy way while posting.

  39. Normally, one saves the panic attack for the meeting with the serial killer. But if that’s not how you roll, that’s cool.

  40. Do you think she could check you in the suitcase at the airport?

  41. Who wouldn’t love to unzip his suitcase and find you inside? Especially with all that booze? 😉

  42. I’m pretty sure this is exactly the bag a serial killer would transport his victims in. In fact, I bet she got it from some kind of serial killers’ supply warehouse store, down the same aisle as the bleach, hacksaws, shag-carpeting-for-VW-buses, and steak sauce. Ask her.

  43. Have I mentioned lately how much I adore you, even though you’re wiggy? Or possibly BECAUSE you’re wiggy? Yeah. True dat. I wish I was allowed and able to go to Blogher because I’d totally hang out with you in the bathroom, only ocassionally sneaking out to go accost Amalah, and possibly catch a glimpse of Heather Armstrong. And to bring you more booze to mix with the Xanax… and possibly borrow one. But I’m not there, so here’s a hug. {{{HUG!!!}}}

  44. […] sitting at home on her ass, reading about Anna’s encounter with Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal, Jenny’s panic attack and subsequent suitcase swimming and other various and sundry accounts of fun and/or bizarre happenings. All week long I’ve […]

  45. Bloggess Stickers??? I want some!!! Where can I get some? buy some? barter for some! Something, help!

  46. Dearest Bloggess,
    Thank you so much for your candid and pee-my-undies contribution to the funny, funny girl panel yesterday.
    And gracias for the picture you let me take with you that I’m gonna give my friend the writer who also uses the f-word a lot, who doesn’t blog, doesn’t usually read blogs…but loves YOU.
    safe travels home. And I’m pretty sure you could steal all that mini bars shit and than report it as identity theft to the credit card company…just sayin.

  47. Glad we got to catch up for a little while. I hope you made it home safely without having to hide in Laura’s bag for the flight!

  48. I have that same suitcase and I also took it to Chicago.

    It was great meeting you finally. You are just as funny in person. Loved sitting in on the Humor Session on Saturday afternoon. You and the entire panel are hilarious, lets hope BlogHer adds a Humor column to the site, of realz!

  49. OK, I was at the humor panel…I had to come check out the canoe bag. I’m still laughing, but it’s not exaclty a canoe;)

    LOVED meeting you (if only for a second)!

  50. My one regret (really, I only have one) about BlogHer09 is that I didn’t get to meet you. Damn.

  51. Wait – there are Bloggess STICKERS?

  52. Hi,
    First time commenting — that is awesome! Looks like you’re having a great time 🙂

  53. Hello! I am a total BlogHer newb but a friend told me I was not the only panic attack victim at BlogHer so I had to come comment. Mine waited until the shuttle back to the airport this morning, where I was trapped in by a sweet little old lady, just trying not to do anything to indicate what was happening… Good times. I hope once it passed you had a blast.

  54. So, all I had to do was bring a play pen sized suitcase full of Miller Lite and Xanax and you would have plastered me with stickers and then I could have brought you home with me?

    Jenny, I FREAKING adore you.

  55. i’d like in on some of that Bloggess sticker action please!

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