So today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day and I don’t really have anyone to talk piratey to because Victor’s not into it and Hailey is too little to understand so instead I thought I’d piratize my blog for the day and so I put the first paragraph of my last post through the Post Like a Pirate Translator and it came back with this:
So ’tis mornin’ I went out to to check on th’ miraculous boobie mushroom ‘n it was fuckin’ gone. ‘n I was a wee upset because I’m pretty sure me neighbor stole it to sell on ebay but I just said a wee prayer (in th’ form ‘o me flippin’ off me neighbor’s ship) thankin’ God fer lettin’ me spy wit’ ye eye th’ miracle boobie if only fer a short the hour. It’s like it was a sign that life be fragile, or that I’m waterin’ th’ lawn too much. Then th’ really weird shit-barnacles happened. Yesterday several ‘o me readers pointed out that th’ miracle boobie was probably a sign from St. Agatha, who be best be knowin’ fer bein’ th’ patron saint ‘o breast cancer after she dedicated her life to God ‘n then had her boobs cut off by some jerks fer not whorin’ around ‘n then God healed her. But then she died anyway. Tis complicated.
And that was kind of awesome but then I was all “Hang on. This totally sounds like a leprechaun wrote this”. And that’s when I realized that leprechauns and pirates sound exactly the same. And they both are obsessed with their treasure. And also, most of the time when you see a leprechaun they’re squinting one eye like they lost it EXACTLY LIKE PIRATES DO. What the fuck? It’s like when a pirate dies he gets turned into a leprechaun and loses his eye patch. Are pirates from Ireland? My head hurts now.
PS. Apparently today is also Rosh Hashana. Poor planning on the part of my Jewish friends, I think. Did you even look up Talk Like a Pirate Day before you planned this? It’s like you’re trying to get oppressed. You should probably change the date next year so this would be less confusing for the rest of us. Have a grog-filled Rosh Hashana, me Jewish mateys.
Long-ass Comment of the day:
Original: “I just gave a handjob and at least twice during the handjob I had to try really hard not to throw up. It’s not that I was grossed out by the goings-on, it’s just that I have been feeling sick of late and David really wanted a handjob and I was being a good girlfriend. So I had to finagle him a couple of times into not kissing me because I really didn’t want to throw up into his mouth and the more he kissed me the less control I could excercise over my esophagus. Also, at least once I needed to sneeze. So, yeah, he owes me lovin’s after that.”
Pirate: “I just gave a handjob ‘n at least twice durin’ th’ handjob I had to give a go’ really harrrd not to throw up. ’tis not that I was grossed out by th’ goin’s-on, ’tis just that I have be feelin’ sick ‘o late ‘n Dave’o really wanted a handjob ‘n I was bein’ a jolly girlfriend. So I had to finagle him a couple ‘o times into not kissin’ me because I really didn’t want to throw up into his mouth ‘n th’ more he kissed me th’ less control I could excercise over me esophagus. Also, at least once I needed to sneeze. So, Yo-ho-ho, he owes me lovin’s after that.”
Pirates are probably really bad at telling funny stories. It makes my handjob thing sound like a fable that we should all learn a lesson from and tell to children. Which is not cool. ~ CyraEm
By the way, I didn’t tell him I was feeling sick or pukey. I didn’t tell him until after the handjob. He wants you all to know so the internet doesn’t start hating him. ~ CyraEm (again)