Why, Google?

in Random Crap

Taking a short intermission from stories of almost getting murdered in Japan to demand that you go right now to Google and type in “Why”.  Then look at the auto-suggestions.

I’ll wait.

Why are you still here?  Okay, fine. I’ll do it for you.

why google

Awesome.

Bonus:  What comes up when you type in “Why won’t”:

Technically I've wondered about that second one too.
Technically I've wondered about that second one too.

And that’s why the internet was invented, y’all.

(Hat-tip to Relo who saw this phenomenon and instantly thought of me.  Thanks?)

Comment of the day: “Why won’t my parakeet eat my diarrhea?”

Um.  Hello?

They can’t hold a spoon.

Stupid fuck. Like you needed to Google that. ~ moooooog35

155 thoughts on “Why, Google?”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. Do people really ask these questions enough for Google to suggest them? Wow. The “dead Pakistani” one is especially crazy.
    .-= Amy.´s last blog ..so silent. =-.

  7. Clearly she wants to know why Brooks and Dunn is breaking up. I suggest that only because I’ve never read mention of a parakeet.

  8. Ok, while I agree that that is absolutely hilarious…

    Am I the only one who sees a tiny little guy staring up at a giant penis? Two suitcase balls, penis legs?

    Anyone?
    No?
    Just me?
    Okay, then. Me, either.
    .-= TJ´s last blog ..WINCEABLE! =-.

  10. Like your tweets about Canadian vs American acceptance of hollering, our google.ca results are different.

  12. Why would google fix this?? These are important questions! If anything google should deliver the answers to these questions straight to our mailboxes.

  13. I showed this to my sixteen year old daughter and now she’s tweeting it. Thanks Jenny for bringing us closer together!

  14. My parakeet accidentally broke his neck. I assumed he was turning a flip on his cage when something went awry. Maybe he was trying to get to the bathroom.

  15. That’s Brilliant. I think Brooks and Dunn broke up because Brook’s parakeet was eating diarrhea and Dunn’s wouldn’t. But does Google know that? DOES GOOGLE KNOW?
    .-= Bridget´s last blog ..Guest Post from God =-.

  21. hmm – all i got is “Why do women have sex?” so i tried it again…. and i got your results “why is the sky blue”, and “why do men have nipples”, and “why did the chicken cross the road”… but no parakeets and diarrhoea – how disappointing!
    .-= Sheila (@stinginthetail)´s last blog ..Happy Birthday to Me =-.

  34. I know someone who wrote an article on why is my poop green. She got a ton of hits for it!

    Maybe she should do a follow up about the parakeet or the Pakistani.

  35. Type in “why are” The third suggestion is “Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria”

    Typing in “I am” gets you “extremely terrified of Chinese people”

    And finally, typing in “God is” gets you “God is an astronaut”

    I love our species.
    .-= meghann´s last blog ..Homeschooling: The Ride =-.

  37. I used to be surprised by the things people type into search engines until I started tracking visits to my blog. Now NOTHING surprises me. Although the scarier thing is that these weird ass searches lead the people straight to me. That probably means something but lets just move on.

    I get everything from ‘vagina ooze’, ‘masturbation’, ‘why does God hate masturbation’, ‘does God get upset when you masturbate’, ‘slug penis’, ‘necrophilia’, ‘jesus hates your wallpaper’, ‘pimel liken’ and ‘piemol liken’. I don’t know what the last two even mean! The list just goes on and on. Those are just the ones that popped in my head.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Why yes, I would like a free in-home estimate and you’re a total douche. =-.

  39. try “why do girls” – my fave is “why do girls like guys who wear shirts with eight buttons”. “why do girls get tramp stamps” is a close second.

  41. If you type in ‘how’, you get ‘how to get pregnant’. Then if you type in ‘when’, you get ‘when to take a pregnancy test’.

    So basically Google thinks we’re all pregnant whores. Awesome.

    If you type in ‘screw’, you get ‘screwed the pooch’. SCARY.

    Best of all though:

    Type in ‘Bloggess’ and you get ‘Bloggess Shatner’, ‘Bloggess William Shatner’, and (my favorite) ‘Bloggess Hobbit’.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Why yes, I would like a free in-home estimate and you’re a total douche. =-.

  49. Pingback: Some Doomsday Crazy With That Google Search? | Astroengine.com

  51. Nice. It’s so kind of you to think of us. How did you know we’d be needing divine intervention on this hellish night of no end? How is Nancy by the way? It’s been too long since we’ve heard from her. If your Japanese dungeon of love post didn’t get her fired up, well then her medication needs adjustment.

  52. Google Australia is different … no mention of dead pakistanis (wtf?) but I did get “why did the chicken cross the road” and “why is a raven like a writing desk”. If I type in “why doesn’t” I get a whole bunch of “why doesn’t he like me?” – so sad LOL

  54. I tried a few other ones…. apparently Google also responds not only to ‘Why’ but also
    Who, what, where, when…… oh, and it just gets funnier!

  58. That is why Google New Zealand sucks big time.
    I got, why is the sky blue, and why won’t my car start.
    Lame-O.

  60. If you type in ‘Why don’t..’ it’s pretty cool too..
    “Why don’t all the fish die when lightning hit the sea?”

  61. ‘Why Won’t God Heal Amputees?’ is actually an atheist/anti-religious site. It’s a pretty interesting read.

  63. Same at Google Germany: “Why is there a dead Pakistani on my couch?”
    What a horrifying result for the German racists:) I am sure they discuss this later in a major newspaper…

  68. Of course I’m killing everyone’s fun by saying so, but the “dead Pakistani” question is a quote from (slash reference to) the television show “Lost.”
    I mean, it was equally hilarious ON the show, but maybe slightly less alarming for the police.
    .-= Random´s last blog ..Jason’s Here! =-.

  69. I typed why into mystery google and I will write the results when I stop blushing…

  70. I want to know: why does Google feature artwork of a man ply a child with a teddy bear, a flag and candy and then make him play uniform dress-up and salute him? The Internet is so depraved, so depraved.
    .-= Deb´s last blog ..A Place for Everything =-.

  75. just checked.
    “why is there a dead pakistani on my couch”
    and
    “why did Michael Jackson turn white”
    were my favourites.

  76. I don’t remember that graphic on Google recently….I must have missed it. However, it really looks like a midget postal worker about to give a giant man a blow job. Does any one else see that? …. Just me? Crap.
    .-= MinivanSoapbox´s last blog ..These Things I Know =-.

  78. Oh nevermind, yours said that, too. I so totally lose and apparently have ADD so severe I couldn’t take the time to read your whole list.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Hi-tech =-.

  80. Pingback: Duchess Jane

  81. You do realize you’ve just encouraged thousands to take up a new and completely childish, time wasting hobby right? Ok good, and… thanks! It’s fucking awesome!
    I found:
    The Pope.. has it but doesn’t use it
    and;
    Jesus.. is my homeboy
    .-= karen @agentninety9´s last blog ..Lest We Forget… =-.

  82. Google probably thinks humanity is pretty screwed up…Google should write a blog about all the effed up searches it gets, that would be good reading.

  83. When I typed “WHY” in my google I got this:

    “why is there a dead pakistani on my couch”

    WTF google!

  85. Hmmmm…Weird huh?
    I put in “why can’t”, “why won’t”, and “why shouldn’t” just to be sure that you didn’t like rig your google to index random shit!…You totally didn’t! Wow…and those are just the MOST popular, imagine if you got to the last page of that search?… I’m so creeped out…WTF is wrong with the world! Shouldn’t there be important crap that pops up? I mean damn, seriously?!? …”Why shouldn’t you pass out with your shoes on?” really??
    Maybe because once you’re unconscious your brain doesn’t regulate blood flow and will make your feet swell…idk…fuck it! WTH!
    .-= BlackBird´s last blog ..10 Things To Do With a Severed Thumb =-.

  86. That’s is bizarre, as just yesterday, my sweet innocent 9 yo daughter was researching for a class project. I had the presence of mind to make sure she didn’t do that alone, but that didn’t help as she was reading nearly the *exact same* list (BONUS: “why did Micheal Jackson turn white?” But it seems that’s because I’m Canadian and we don’t get it, apparently. I thought Americans didn’t get that either, but it looks like I was wrong. Can someone dumb it down for us please?)

    Thankfully, she didn’t ask (me) why so many would want to know about a dead pakistani, although she did giggle about why men would have nipples. Mostly because it said “nipple” I’m assuming.
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..Remembrance =-.

  88. also fun: What would…

    I mean really? I always wondered what Louis Brad Pitt’s Interview with a vampire character would…OH JUST GO SEE.

    I can’t thank you enough for making me have to take a 30 second shower because I got so distracted by NOT WORKING on what I was supposed to.
    .-= Dana´s last blog ..This Really Is It =-.

  91. This Thanksgiving? I am seriously going to say at the Thanksgiving dinner, in front of my parents-in-law, that I am grateful for this crazy woman in Texas. Instead of crying and saying I want to marry you, I am just going to ask you to start a harem and add me as one of the “harem dwellers” (I don’t know what the right term is but I am afraid to google anything now…). Thank you.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Bring back Thanksgiving! Please, no Christmas decorations until Black Friday… =-.

  92. Hahaha…. So, if you type in “Why” right now, the last line has been replaced with, wait for it…. “Why did Michael Jackson turn white”.

  100. Apparently my Google is a racist. I keep getting things like “Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria?” “What would the world be like without black people”?

    Seriously Google? WTF? Don’t be racist.

  102. Compare “how might” and “how 2”:

    how might a capsule contribute to pathogenicity
    how might flagella contribute to pathogenicity
    how might scope changes in the implementation phase affect quality time and budget

    how 2 kiss
    how 2 get pregnant
    how 2 grow weed

  105. Very funny! I have often thought about googling all sorts of nonsense, more specifically infectious diseases via Google on my work internet. They are extremely anal about internet abuse, and given the department I work in, I’m sure it would come up on the internet abuse report and make for some interesting gossip!
    .-= Ninanoclue´s last blog ..Ghosts of Receding Past… =-.

  106. When I do it, I also get “why did michael jackson turn white” which has 2,930,000,000 results, apparently.

  108. Every time I read your blog I want to comment but then all your commenters are so freaking witty and awesome that it intimidates me. I could only wish to be as witty, I keep coming back to try to gleen it from them. Like a ghost stealing energy, or something like that.
    And I’m driving my best friend nuts by reading your blogs out loud to her, because she “can read!” but I like reading out loud and my son never lets me read to him.
    .-= Randaroopoo´s last blog ..Losing Steam…And a Veteran’s Day Post =-.

  109. Right? That’s why I don’t comment here either. It’s a well-known fact that my commenters are way funnier than me. That’s why I do the “comment of the day”. So I can steal from them. Kind of pathetic, really.

  111. Thanks to you I now know WHY WON’T my hydrangea bloom?

    I have been meaning to google about that thing for years because it is underperforming. So now I know! I’m going to think of you, now, when it blooms. “If it were not for The Bloggess, I’ll tell my neighbors….”
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Beach Home Devastated by Skittle =-.

  112. I typed in “W-h-y?” . . .but didn’t feel it necessary to push “search.”

    No need to complicate the inscrutable.
    The inscrutable’s fine all by itself.

    And as soon as the coroner gets the goddamn Pakistani off my couch it will be even finer.

  115. You will be overjoyed to know that when you type in “what” you get “what are these strawberries doing on my nipples i need them for the fruit salad”.

    Awesome, indeed.

  117. Oh yeah more stuff I can’t get out of my head poor parakeet trying to slurp up diarrhea aww. I know plenty of Canadians who holler they are all in my house. Wanna meet them?
    .-= habanerogal´s last blog ..Remembrance Day =-.

  118. Pingback: Good Goog » Blog Archive » Love-Hate Relationship

  119. If you google “what” you get : what are these strawberries doing on my nipples i need them for the fruit salad…bloggess, is that you?

  120. Also, you will find that Linda does not read all the comments before she shares her awesome insights! Curse you O the Joys…you stole my one moment of glory!

  121. On the norwegian google, the dead pakistani one was actually the top suggestion. Maybe we have more dead people on our couches here.

  122. LOL 😀

    Okay, I just tried this myself, and the autosuggestions I got were as follows:

    why is the sky blue (63 200 000 results)

    why do men have nipples (3 140 000 results)

    whyville (95 700 results)

    why do cats purr (315 000 results)

    why men cheat (8 390 000 results)

    why do dogs eat grass (514 000 results)

    why did the chicken cross the road (625 000 results)

    why is there a dead pakistani on my couch (52 600 results)

    why did michael jackson turn white (2 930 000 000 results)

    why am i so tired (2 700 000 results)

    . . . uh . . . go figure? 🙂
    .-= Jon Pear (a.k.a. NeuroAster)´s last blog ..pervasive developmental poem, not otherwise specified =-.

  124. Oh, my God. I almost had to sue you. I was reading your blog while sipping coffee and spat all over my computer. Lucky for you I take lady-like sips and damage was minimal.

    Your blog is so goddamn funny I had to post a link to my own. And I hate competition. So chew on that for a while.

    ps: thanks for the laugh today. I really needed it.
    .-= A Reluctant Mom´s last blog ..Doctor My Eyes =-.

  130. I’m aware that this probably isn’t the forum for airing my complaint, but I really don’t care. I found your blog using StumbleUpon and I’m hooked. I have subscribed to it and I also follow you on twitter. However, there is one very disturbing problem with your site.

    I have been diligently digging into your archives and therein lies the problem. Let’s say I chose June 2008 as my fix for today. In order to appreciate your awesomeness in the correct order, I have to scroll to the bottom of each page and go to the previous entries until I reach the beginning of the month. I then have to read each page starting at the bottom. When I finally reach the top, I have to scroll back down to the bottom and go to the next page only to start the whole silly process again.

    This is time consuming and unfair. Reading your archives this way takes considerably time away from my dogs and husband who are all whimpering for food in the background. If you love me, as you should, you will fix this. If not, I will be forced to tell all 3 of my friends what a vile, socially-retarded, selfish toad you are. The choice is yours.

  133. “Why will,” now there’s an interesting (and often oddly specific) question:

    Why will the world end in 2012
    Why will gram positive cells more than 24 hours old stain gram negative
    Why will a magnet attract an ordinary nail or paper clip but not a wooden pencil
    Why will the earth end in 2012
    Why will obligate anaerobes grow in thioglycolate
    Why william petersen left csi
    Why will we die in 2012
    Why william is called bill
    and finally,
    Why will a carrot slice when placed in tap water for 24 hours become very stiff.

    Answer these questions and you can rule the world.
    Until of course it ends in 2012.

    Great blog. 😉

  134. So, have you tried to ask What? or When? or How? or Where? I wonder what comes up. Okay, I don’t wonder – I just did it.

    What?
    what are these strawberries doing on my nipples i need them for the fruit salad

    …the fuck?

    How?
    how long does weed stay in your system

    Awesome. Google knows just what I’m thinking!
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Dream Dinners Review =-.

  135. My “why” search turned up with “why did michael jackson turn white.” Those are some deep and hard questions, little 6655321. The search for “will” brings up William Shatner, of course.

  138. When I put in “why” I got: “Why is there a dead Pakistani on my couch?”

    Let’s be clear: I don’t have a dead Pakistani on my couch. I didn’t need that information from Google.

    But it did serve useful, after all.
    .-= Memoirgirl´s last blog ..What is Up With Me, Part 3 =-.

  139. That is too freaking funny. But my real question is what you were trying to find out on Google that caused you to type “Why”

    I hope you weren’t trying to find out why your poop is green. LOL.

    Great post.
    .-= Rob´s last blog ..Sunday MckLinky Edition =-.

  140. Pingback: momshare.net
  142. Pingback: Weekend link dump for November 15 – Off the Kuff

  145. LOL. This was my Friday post! I write a Friday Favorites, and found this on Failblog.org. Had to pass it on. After all this time being online, it shouldn’t surprise me, but it did. And it made me laugh a really, really, REALLY long time with my husband. So thank you, crazy people who feel the need to Google wacky things like poop-eating parakeets. You made my day!
    .-= Karen Bannan´s last blog ..Favorite Things Friday: You Gotta Have Friends =-.

  147. Pingback: Don’t ask google why. This is what you get. « Nothing Witty

  148. The answer to the question “why is there a dead Pakistani on my couch?” can be found on Yahoo Answers.

  149. So…i got “why does my vag smell” ? (along with all most of the other ones) Also, my husband made me click on the one that said “why do men have nipples”? He must be curious too… And, what happens when you click that “i’m feeling lucky button” ?
    .-= Levon´s last blog ..I suck at being a skinny bitch =-.

  151. Dear people horrified/confused by the “dead Pakistani” question:
    It’s a quote from Lost. It’s one of the funnier lines ever said on the show. However, the Pakistani was actually an Iraqi character, being played by an Indian, and he wasn’t actually dead (on the show or in real life).

  153. Pingback: Why indeed? | Not To Be Trusted With Knives

  155. Thank you for making me laugh like a seal with a sore throat – and subsequently spending the next 15 minutes on Google. They should pay you for all the traffic you bring them. Just sayin’…

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It's like I'm stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

MY INSTAGRAM

Dear anonymous stranger who left this for me: you saved me right back. Thank you.
Day one of ketamine injections for treatment-resistant depression started yesterday.
Hailey’s partner has only been playing guitar for 2 weeks but they decided to perform a song with Hailey for their family for their 18th birthday and I love them both so much.
FYI in case you’ve been waiting to pick one up…just noticed that the ebook for Broken is on sale for $3.99 most places ebooks are sold. (Probably today only since these things usually are 24 hour events.)

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Just Another Meat-Eating Dirtbag: A memoir: ‘A charming, often hilarious look at how love is actually the worst.’-Tom Hart, author of the NYT bestseller Rosalie Lighting

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

A Thousand Miles to Graceland by Kristen Mei Chase: The journey of a thousand miles begins with sequins and a beehive wig in this funny and tender novel about Mothers, daughters and the surprising power of Elvis.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

The Feely Human Collective: A space for the big-hearted, the highly sensitive, the activists, meaning makers, and mental health advocates. A space to grow and grapple with the wonders of empathy, vulnerability, and emotional curiosity and be seen in all your beautiful wholeness.

Stix Yarn: We live in the beautiful mountains of Montana, sell gorgeous yarns and unique fabrics, and offer lots of opinions on the best ways to get the most out of said mountains, yarn, and fabric.

Quantum Possum: an inclusive, neurodivergence-affirming graphic novel taking readers on a wacky & frequently sidetracked adventure through Cosmic Bog, helping creatures in need and including everyone in the fun.

Acrylic Diva’s Online Painting Class: paint yourself happy from the comfort of your home. Stress free, easy art instruction with a seasoned professional artist. It’s the most fun you can have in your pajamas. Really.

Paris Writers: Join best-selling novelists Laurie Frankel, Ann Garvin, and Lauren Grodstein for a week of practical information – and inspiration! – in Paris this summer.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

PillTimer: No ads, no tracking, no math; just simple, no-nonsense medicine tracking for iPhone and iPad.

Green Heart Guidance: Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., is an international psychic, intuitive and medium who helps people heal from physical, spiritual, emotional or sexual illnesses and traumas.

Thanks to Her: Finding Power and Inspiration in Your Family Photos Discover how American women (and your own relatives!) kicked ass between 1900-1950. Remember: Yes, she did … And so can you!

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

%d bloggers like this: