People always tell me I shouldn’t give money to homeless people because they’ll just buy booze with it and I understand that but I’ve been giving money to the homeless for years and if we all stop giving hobos money then the liquor stores lose and that’s what causes a recession. Then we’re all fucked. Nice work, homeless people. Now I can’t get a car loan because you ruined the economy.
That’s why now I just give my money straight to the liquor stores. And I get liquor in exchange for that money. So now I’m stabilizing the economy, saving the homeless from themselves, and I can make wine slushies. It’s kind of a win-win except now I think I might be an alcoholic. I blame the homeless.
PS. I wonder if this is how those drunken homeless people get started? Maybe they’re just trying to heroically stimulate the economy and then a year later they’re living under a bridge talking to themselves because they’re too drunk to use twitter correctly. Those people are fucking saints.
PPS. I just took that online test to see if I’m an alcoholic. Turns out I’m a cocker spaniel. That’s fucked up.
PPPS. Victor says I accidentally took the “What kind of dog are you?” test. Still, you hardly ever see drunken cocker spaniels so I’m pretty sure that proves something. Victor says it proves something too.
PPPPS. Fine. I took the “Are you an alcoholic? test” and it says I answered one too many of the questions “yes” so I “might have a problem” but technically one question asked you drank because you were shy and another asked if you drank to increase your confidence and THOSE ARE TECHNICALLY THE EXACT SAME QUESTION. So I’m pretty sure this is a trick test and that only real alcoholics would be so drunk that they wouldn’t recognize that they are totally answering the same question twice and that if you’re sober enough to realize that this test is fucking with you that means you probably aren’t drunk enough. So, yeah. I win. And I’m a cocker spaniel. This is the best day ever.
Comment of the day: I just took the test, only I pretended it was about drinking lemonade.
Apparently I’m totally addicted to lemonade. ~ CyraEm