RIP, Aunt Ollene

My sister, Lisa, just called to tell me that our great aunt Ollene just died and we decided to go in together on a flower arrangement and so I ordered it online from the florist across the street from the funeral home and it was very nice because their website basically pre-populates all the funeral home info since that’s where they do most of their business but then the end of the form left me a little baffled:

Huh.  Do I want you to remind me of my dead aunt’s death again next year?  Well, of course I do. Why wouldn’t I want you to bring up this painful event with an annual “Hey-your-aunt-is-still-dead” reminder?  Who would turn that down?  Nobody, I bet.

Also, my Aunt Ollene was awesomely funny and every Christmas she would give my sister and I enormous granny-panties and a roll of nickels.  Every year.  For like 20 years.  And the underpants were so big that Lisa and I used to pull them up to our armpits and pretend they were strapless leotards.  Also, I’m fairly sure that the nickels were given to us ironically because it’s not like this was back in the olden days when people really liked nickels.  I don’t actually remember a time when people wanted nickels.  I’m not actually that old.  Also, this post is rambling and makes no sense.  Probably because I’m grieving.  Stop judging me.

PS.  Hang on.  I bet that reminder thing is probably for when someone you don’t actually like dies.  Then you can have a happy reminder once a year that whoever you never liked is still dead.  Unless he was really just in a deep coma and comes out of it during the funeral and he’s pissed off that you didn’t pick out a nice enough casket for him and he storms out and disowns you and now you have to pay for a funeral that no one actually enjoyed.  Then it’s just a painful reminder for everyone involved.

Comment of the day: At my great aunt’s funeral (right her in San Angelo at Johnson’s Funeral Home on Beauregard Ave, no less) I sent a flower arrangement with the words “Aunt Fay” on a banner on it. During the funeral, I noticed that the banner read “a nut Fay” instead of aunt. By the end of the funeral the entire 2 front rows of family members where silently trying not to laugh. I wonder if we used the same florist, because I’m thinking this is a florist with a warped sense of humor. I guess that’s not always a bad qualily in a florist.  ~ Missy

100 thoughts on “RIP, Aunt Ollene

Read comments below or add one.

  1. If I had a roll of nickels for every time I offended a not-really-dead person… it would be like I had an Aunt Ollene.

    Also, my condolences.

  2. Fortunately, unless you are into purchasing funeral accoutrement for enemies–and maybe you are; not that I’m judging–you prolly won’t have Lazarus chase you down upon his miraculous recovery. In light of this possibility,however, I suggest you always bring some popcorn to funerals of folks you Don’t Like so you have something to snack on as you watch him chase his cheap-ass relatives.

    PS Sorry about your aunt.

  3. Buddy Rich was not just an amazing drummer. He was also a complete sonofabitch. I heard a story that after he died someone called his house every few days asking to speak to him. The unknown caller was always told “Buddy is dead.” After several weeks of the calls the caller was asked why they continued calling only to be told that “Buddy is dead.”

    The response: “I just love hearing it.”
    .-= Bad Guy Zero´s last blog ..This Strip Mall Has It All =-.

  4. *Note the stupid red squiggles* The website is also telling you that your aunt doesn’t have a real name.

  5. My condolences~

    Also—Im still getting email reminders from a floral company I used when my friend hung himself. So thoughtful of em. Sorry flower dude but none of my friends have off’ed themselves lately, you’ll have to find business elsewhere.
    .-= singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..Flood of memories =-.

  6. aunts are the balls. true story. i’m sorry about your aunt. i have a ghost aunt too. she said she was going to come back and haunt anyone i wanted her to haunt. of course, she *was* dying of a brain tumor but i think she really meant that part and didn’t mean it when she said she was a sword fish. *hugs, lady!*

  7. I’m sorry about your Aunt Ollene. I love that you are honoring someone funny with a funny post. That means you rock hard, and I’m sure she was really proud of you.
    .-= Sarah P´s last blog ..Reflections on stuff =-.

  8. i am truly sorry about your sweet aunt.

    but i’m glad that i have a new idea for gifts for my nieces.

    my ‘oh so popular’ eleven year old niece will love those (esphesh at her birthday party with all the cute seventh graders there! ha! this is going to be so embarrassing!).

    i am really sorry.

    ?i’m thinking of your family.?
    .-= Joy (´s last blog ..the good, the bad and the down right disgusting (i’m talking about you. yes, YOU.) =-.

  9. I love that you still have your awesome sense of humor even in the midst of grieving. Although, you then confuse me and I don’t know whether I should be laughing or crying with you, so that sucks. 😉 Big *hugs* to you. I really am sorry for your loss.
    .-= BlondeBlogger´s last blog ..BB/DC – Save the Date! =-.

  10. Oooh, your aunt was smart! Don’t you know what those granny panties and nickels were for? You put the nickels in the granny panties and swing them at people. It’s great self-defense and also comes in handy when you just want to shut somebody up. Not as good as a sock full of quarters, but granny panties full of nickels is just funnier because who wants to admit that that’s how they sustained their injury? I think you may have to resist stabbing for awhile and turn to the panty-nickel defense in honor of your aunt.
    .-= Jaded Jennifer´s last blog ..Further proof that I’m not crazy =-.

  11. I think if you’re going to have a funeral home, Beauregard Avenue would be the best street to have it on. It just sounds funerally. Condolences on your funny Aunt. I’m off to buy huge panties in her honor.
    .-= Penne´s last blog ..By the back door. =-.

  12. Sorry to hear about your aunt. I never had an aunt who was that awesome, but I could be an aunt like that. If I sent all my nieces granny panties and nickles, they’d probably try to convince my siblings to have me committed, though. I’ll have to think up my own brand of wacky, but I’ve decided that your Aunt Ollene is an excellent role model.
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Fractal No. 261 =-.

  13. I’m sorry to hear about your aunt. I really am. (you may want to stop reading this comment right here)

    I can’t think of anything else to say. I never can. Cuz death for me is like when I see someone get hit in the balls; it makes me laugh my ass off even though it is not funny. At all. And if someone gets mad at me for laughing, I just laugh harder. I guess it’s my coping mechanism.

    Either that, or it just reminds me of my own impending death (which will be soon, cuz ya know, I’m 40 now) and so I just shut up. I think I’m going to set it up so that my funeral is completely silent.
    .-= uthostage´s last blog ..Nicknames from Hell =-.

  14. I’m sorry for your loss and that flower shop needs to have their webmaster make sure that box isn’t there when the info specifies that the flowers are going to a funeral home! WTF? Who wants to be reminded of Uncle Frank disowning the family for going cheap, cause they didn’t think he would notice. Has no one who made the choices seen The Mummy?!?! They’ll know y’all went for the most-bargain-basement-whadda-ya-mean-they-don’t-have-plain-pine-boxes-anymore casket. Oh yeah; They. Will. Know. And they will beat you with rolls of nickels wrapped in wide-load granny panties before they storm out too!
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..I Need to Slap Myself, But I Can’t Seem to Get Me From the Right Angle =-.

  15. I am sorry for your loss, but you know what? Some of us like nickels alot, mostly because maybe some of us have huge crushes on Thomas Jefferson whose image is on the obverse side of the nickel. That’s coin-geek talk for “front.” Which I just learned. Just because you’re grieving doesn’t mean you have to take it out on the nickels.
    .-= Stephanie Smirnov´s last blog ..David Allen is NOT Helping my Insomnia =-.

  16. That reminder thing sounds totally valuable. Picture this: You’re at a family reunion, chatting with a relative, and suddenly you get a text reminding you that that relative died 4 years ago on that day. Immediately, you know you’re dealing with a zombie, ghost, clone, robot, alternate-universe-version, or you’re dreaming. I assume there’s some kind of floral arrangement you could then order that would cover any of those situations. Also, remember when nickels were called bumblebees? “Give me five bees for a quarter.”, you’d say. Anyway, sorry about your aunt.

  17. They better bury Aunt Ollene in giant panties and a print polyester pantsuit. Anything else would be sacrilegious. Also using a station wagon as a casket would be a nice touch.
    P.S. I’m planning your funeral. I mean, not right NOW, but when the time comes.

  18. Sorry to hear about your great aunt Ollene. I had a great aunt who’s name was Waldean, and she was quite a character too. One time Waldean was attending a funeral (not her own), and she went up to a middle-schooler who was also attending and asked the child “what makes you so fat?” That has cracked me up for years. (BTW she really didn’t mean any insult to the child, I don’t think. She just couldn’t comprehend the idea of obese children, being a child of the Great Depression herself.)

    Anyway, I expect you’ll always remember Ollene as fondly as I remember Waldean. 😀
    .-= Pete´s last blog ..Flying 101 =-.

  19. I’m sorry for your loss…

    But really, you ramble and make no sense most of the time, so quit trying to blame your aunt. That’s not cool.
    .-= a´s last blog ..Equations =-.

  20. Sorry about your aunt. I hope she’s OK with your spelling her name wrong on the florist’s order. Stupid spellcheck squiggles.

  21. I’m sorry for your loss … of both your aunt and your annual granny-panties gift, that is.

    Maybe instead of sending you an annual reminder of your aunt’s death, they could send you granny panties. Now THAT would be nice.
    .-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..40 =-.

  22. If you’re a Jew (which you’re not), you want a reminder because that’s when they install (is that the right word?) the headstone after one year, and relatives are supposed to come to this “unveiling”. But I don’t think you need to bring flowers. So, if the florist sends you a reminder and you don’t even buy flowers, they’re doing a public service.

    I’m sorry about your Aunt Ollene.
    .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Substituteteacherwoman* Teaches Art =-.

  23. At my great aunt’s funeral (right her in San Angelo at Johnson’s Funeral Home on Beauregard Ave, no less) I sent a flower arrangement with the words “Aunt Fay” on a banner on it. During the funeral, I noticed that the banner read “a nut Fay” instead of aunt. By the end of the funeral then entire 2 front rows of family members where silently trying not to laugh. I wonder if we used the same florist, because I’m thinking this is a florist with a warped sense of humor. I guess that’s not always a bad qualily in a florist…

  24. So sorry about your aunt. Also, ordering funeral flowers is rife with crazy. We had a series of funerals during one month last year. I ordered 4 sets of flowers on 4 different occassions from the same place & on every card the florist wrote: “. . . Thinking of you!” Yes. With an exclamation point to show our excitement!! at the recent death!!!

  25. Sorry to hear about your Aunt – tonight we are playing Rummoli for nickels – we will honor her!

  26. my condolences to you and your family. my grandfather had an old fire bucket filled with pennies and he would give us one penny per crab apple we picked up out of the yard. 10-20 cents is not worth the bee stings, but it made him happy. i would have preferred nickels. i would use the reminder. i know some people that put fresh flowers each year to mark the anniversary of the loved ones passing. take care.
    .-= kiki´s last blog ..A New Decade =-.

  27. I’m the lobstah crab mama with the flying fish fingers.
    I jsut felt like saying that.
    .-= Sharkey!´s last blog .. =-.

  28. Well, what did you do with the nickels? (Warning: coming comment will conclusively prove why Obsessive Compulsive people shouldn’t work with numbers and/or be given access to spreadsheets.)

    If you’d hung on to a roll of nickels every year for the last 20 years, inflation trends suggest that you’d actually have $48.07 instead of the $40.00 that you’d have if you just spent it all. $8.07! That’s like a whole sandwich.

    Think about it. (And sorry for your loss.) ?
    .-= Robynn´s last blog ..Hm. Signs I Might Drink Too Much. =-.

  29. You know how when you go to a funeral, and you’re standing by the coffin, somebody always says something along the lines of “She sure looks good”, or, “She looks so natural”? Well, I was at a funeral with my very Southern, lady-like Grandmother and as we were “viewing” the body, my Big Mama (that’s what we called her) says “She looks like hell, why would she let them do her hair like that? I would be embarassed if I was her, Bless her heart!!” WTF, Big Mama!!! She’s dead, how can she be embarassed????

    P.S. In the South you can say anything about anybody as long as you add “Bless her heart” at the end of the criticism! 🙂

    P.P.S I’m so sorry about your Great Aunt Ollene, and I would send her off to Heaven with a roll of nickels!

  30. I am so sorry for your loss. Glad to see you still have a sense of humour. yeah! I am Canadian so we put the letter “u” where they don’t belong. Like labour or favour, shit like that. We also have fuck up words like theater and spell it theatre . And end our statements with eh? and it becomes a question. So, if I say I am sorry for your loss eh? See what I mean? eh? What a messed up world we live in. eh?

  31. Your aunt was awesome. Did she ever give you hard candy? Cuz that would be great. “Here’s some hard candy…and some walkin’ around money.”
    Sorry for you loss.

  32. Sorry for the loss. We all grieve differently. Hell, I still keep my granddaddy in the console of my car with me. You know, to protect me from alien abductions and stuff.

  33. That reminds me of this last Christmas: we received at least five different cards from family members that basically said, “Hey, how are you? My husband/wife died over six months ago, and I didn’t tell anyone because I wanted to save it till Christmas. Speaking of, Merry Christmas!” (short version, “Merry Christmas, my husband/wife died!”) Okay, so maybe none of them said EXACTLY that, but if you mush everything they said into a small little note like that, it is basically what they were all saying. And it was sad, ’cause we had to keep going out just to buy yet ANOTHER condolence card.
    Alright, so this has had nothing to do with your post, but I guess the common denominator is death, so…Happy Christmas!
    .-= Miss Eccentric´s last blog ..Confessions of a compulsive liar 2 =-.

  34. That website is definitely making fun of your whole family by telling you her name is spelt wrong.

    I am intriqued at what other types of gift card type you could have chosen there. Since you’d already selected funeral home as the location, what other types of card did they think you might want to send?

    Perhaps a “gloating” option?
    .-= pixielation´s last blog ..buses, brats and bogs =-.

  35. hmm – interesting – while I would not want to be specifically reminded of the date – I do find it curious that I cannot remember the day, month or even year when each of my grandparents died – and Nana only died about six years ago – but can I remember when? No.
    .-= Sam´s last blog ..A day of two halves. =-.

  36. “If I had a nose full of nickels… I’d sneeze them. At choo”.

    I don’t know what that means, but my dad used to sing that too me, b/c my grandma used to sing it to him, so basically it’s an old people song. With nickels. They DID used to like them! A lot!

    Condolences on you aunt. She certainly sounds like a treasure.
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..Cooties =-.

  37. First of all, your P.S. is priceless! I’ll bet that’s exactly what it’s for! Perfect! Where do *I* sign up?

    Last, but certainly not least, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your great aunt sounds like a wonderful woman.
    .-= Jane´s last blog ..Help Me Keep Oil In The Lamp =-.

  38. I can’t tell you how many people there are (were?) in my life that I would appreciate a death reminder for. Seriously, that one douche? And the other? Yah, I’d love to celebrate their deaths! It doesn’t get much better than the “I’m so happy you died” anniversary party.
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..There Is An Active Volcano In My Thighs =-.

  39. Rolls of nickles are the old school brass knuckles. Ever been punched by someone holding a roll of nickles in their fist? Me either, but I bet that shit hurts. Your aunt was protecting you, as I’m sure her angel-self still will. Sorry for your loss. Use the reminder as a tribute so that every year, on the anniversary of her death, you can punch someone with your old school brass knuckles. While wearing granny panties. Make your aunt proud.
    In proof-reading this comment I just realized that nickles and knuckles rhyme. Rad.

  40. Rest in peace, Aunt Ollene… She sounds as if she was a fun person to have known…


  41. So sorry for your loss. I do think a great way to remember her would be to construct a “granny pants montage”, a funny old gal deserves a funny yet personal memorial.

    Re the florist: It’s kinda like a slap in the face saying you’re such a cold callus person that you wont remember the day your loved one died. Unfortunately the death of loved ones is the one thing my fogged brain can’t forget.
    .-= Michelle Roger´s last blog ..Harley & Rose, They Just Lost It For A While. (Guest Posting for 12 More Pages). =-.

  42. ::gasp – choke – wheeze – snort::

    Holy shit – I just spent the day catching up on my RSS reader and after reading dozens of thoughtful, inspiring, lovely, heart-felt blogs. I finally came to yours (because you’re in the folder “entertainment” and that comes after “biggification” in my list, duh) and fucking hell, if you didn’t make me laugh for 90 minutes while my cabin-mates looked furtively at one another wondering WTF was coming out of my laptop. OK, yes, I was a bit behind in my reading, but still. TONE IT DOWN. Even with following the link back to your depressing one, I’m still crying (in that good laughing way, not the “my dog got eaten by the local bear” way).

  43. I’m very sorry for your loss.

    My great uncle died last year. He liked to spray paint things. Like, everything in his house was spray painted. The furniture. The front porch. His truck. So one of my cousins sent this big flower arrangement with a can of spray paint fixed in the middle. The whole family loved it.

    Now I’m not saying you *should* send a flower arrangement with granny panties attached…but seeing everyone’s reactions would almost be worth it.

  44. Is it wrong that my mind automatically went to nasty things when I saw “granny panties” and “roll of nickels” in the same sentence? Maybe this is why I work at a sex toy shop. Or maybe this is a whole chicken and the egg type thing, which still involves sex so I guess I’m just fucked up. If you ever want to upgrade the roll of nickels, let me know.
    .-= Angela´s last blog ..Fuck Facebook Doppelganger Week =-.

  45. I think anyone who gave pennies and granny-panties would find the yearly reminder funny. Personally, I would also find updating my address book with the Funeral Home info slightly creepy, but that’s just me.
    .-= hellomargaux´s last blog ..Sudden Death =-.

  46. I am very sorry your aunt died.

    Also, now I am picturing you speaking at funerals during that “open mic” time they sometimes have, and I think you’d be pretty funny. And if none of the funerals you’ve been to have had an open mic time, I’m sure that’s just a coincidence and doesn’t mean anything.
    .-= Swistle´s last blog ..Embedded Comment Form Not Working =-.

  47. I am so sorry to hear about your aunt, she sounds like she was really funny. I once sent a friend a birthday card(in high school) that was a coin tree and my dad worked in the bus station down town where you had to have toilet tokens to use the bathrooms. I filled the money tree with toilet tokens and no one but me thought that was funny. I thought it was ingenious and laughed my ass off.

  48. Maybe the flowers were meant for stuff like bithdays. You know, so that next year you don’t forget. Otherwise your hubby might throw a shitstorm. “HOW COULD YOU FORGET?! IT’S OUR FUCKING 10TH ANNIVERSARY!” or “IT’S FRIGGIN’ VALENTINE’S DAY!” But luckily, you have a email reminding you to get flowers so that doesn’t happen! It’s quite ingenious, really.

    I’m sorry that your aunt died. But are you sure you want to give out the address of the funeral stuff on your blog? I mean, no offense, but there are probably some creepers out there. And they might be stalkerish. So they might be like, oh hey, here’s the funeral home phone number, and the address, why don’t I go do some serious business and go tracking some internet people down? Just for fun. Oh crap. I just realized that now you probably think that I’M a stalker and am going to track you down. Um. I’m not. Okay? Okay. And even if I was, I wouldn’t. I’m just not very fond of Texas. Sorry. No offense again.

    BTW I’m a new reader of your blog and can I just say that I love it? You make me LOL. LOL!

  49. My condolences. It sucks when kick ass people die. Perhaps you can put a pair of giant granny panties on her grave for her each year? Or, if you think she’s living it up in heaven, maybe a sparkly thong?
    .-= Leslie´s last blog ..Pop quiz and updates =-.

  50. Obviously, I’m very sorry about your aunt.

    I’ll also remind you if you want. I offer a daily service. It’s a wake-up call thing. “Your aunt died 4 days ago!” and “5” and so on. You get the gist. I find it’s more personal. People like it. No charge for the sarge. Let me know.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Search term update: Die Outsider Ponyboy =-.

  51. My condolences on the family losses this past week. Your Aunt and your other young relative both sound like they were wonderful ass-kickers, and I’m glad that they were part of your life. Also: Cancer is a complete fuckhead, and should be kicked in the nuts with a steel-toed boot.

    Fuck you, Cancer. Fuck you right in the ear.
    .-= Keith´s last blog ..Holy Shit =-.

  52. I am sorry for your loss; you’ll just have to keep the tradition alive with the next generation. But I have to chuckle a little because I am from San Angelo and I know exactly the florist and funeral home of which you speak. I kinda have to admire they way that town doggedly holds to its pre-internet ways.

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