You’re an idiot

Yesterday I was sitting in the movie theater and one of the characters on the screen accidentally did some drugs and the guy behind me yelled out “Dude, you’re an idiot!”

At the screen, y’all.

And then I couldn’t stop giggling at the irony of the whole situation and I was all “Mother-of-God.  I’ve gotta write this shit down” but I couldn’t find any paper so instead I just wrote “You’re an idiot” on my hand to remind myself to write about it later but then I thought that maybe I shouldn’t be so judgey because, yes, he’s the asshole who’s yelling at a movie screen but I’m the chick who just wrote “You’re an idiot” on her own hand just because some idiot yelled about someone else being an idiot and then I was all “Fuck.  It’s like it’s contagious“.  And then I went to Hailey’s school to pick her up and when I was signing her out the director was staring at my hand and I was all “Oh. That’s from a movie.  It’s not like, a reminder or anything” and she nodded but not convincingly and then later I waved goodbye to Hailey’s teacher but I can’t remember if I waved at her with my “You’re an idiot” hand so now I don’t even know if I need to apologize to her or not.  This is why you should probably only write notes to yourself on the inside of your thigh or on your armpit because then it’s hidden and also because when you’re in the shower and you go to shave you’ll see it and you’ll be all “Oh right, I do need to pick up some cat food today.  Nice job, armpit.”

Comment of the day: My brother accidentally did drugs and woke up with “Kieth” tattooed on his chest.  Not only was “Keith” spelled “Kieth” but his name is Bruce so that was weird when he got back to the military base. ~ ThePeachy1

182 thoughts on “You’re an idiot

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I’m with Jen…how does one accidentally do drugs? Also you gotta be careful about notes from the armpit…they can be shifty bastards
    .-= Sara´s last blog ..Hooray for Friday =-.

  2. All the notes that say “You’re an idiot” that I have are directed at me. I also don’t write my own. My girlfriend writes them for me. I also have “You’re an asshole,” “Feed the cats,” and “Father’s Day is this Sunday.” Oh shit, Father’s Day is this Sunday. Do you think he’d like a stuffed squirrel in a canoe as much as you do?

    P.S. What the hell is commentluv? It’s frightening me, so I am going to turn it off.

  3. I once wrote a phone number on my inner thigh so that no one would see me with writing on my hand and get all judgmental. Unfortunately, I got caught mid-number-writing, so I looked even more juvenile and unbalanced than the hand thing would have implied.

  4. i think i’m going to write this on my hand right now because quite usually, all OTHER people are idiots (of course not me) and should be told so. like in a passive- aggressive kind of way.

  5. Contagious idiocy!!!
    Actually, that would explain a LOT about our country over the last decade …

  6. at least you didn’t write “YOUR an idiot” instead of “YOU’RE an idiot”. that would have been embarrassing.

    also, this reminds me of when i went into a high class clothing store looking for a sweater to stay warm while the boyfriend and i were “ridin’ the harley” across the mountains.

    i felt all “pretty woman” out of place by the way everyone was looking at me until i realized i still had on my motorcycle helmet.

    with my *SLUT* sticker right smack in front.


    <3 andrea

  7. But – BUT! – if I write on the inside of my thigh then I’ll be paranoid about my thighs rubbing together when I walk and sweating and maybe even *chafing* which is gross to think about, but most importantly the writing would rub off. And even if it didn’t, not only would I be trying to avoid the whole sweating/chafing situation by walking around like I shit my pants, but if I wanted to check on the durability of the ink mid-day, I’d be running the risk of being seen staring and probing at my own crotch-ish area. So really, I could potentially have sweaty, chafed thighs, walk like a loony, stain my pants, and be seen as a complete pervert – all of which makes inadvertently calling someone an idiot seem relatively appealing when you start making comparisons.

    I’m a stay at home mom, so I have nothing better to do than contemplate pointless risk-assessment scenarios.
    Say it, smartasses….”you’re an idiot”.

  8. I am giggling in my cubicle and trying to stiffle it so my co-workers dont think I’M the idiot. Too late.

    Thanks Jenny, now I’m going to get fired.

  9. Just be careful because reading and shaving your pits is probably dangerous. I think it’s like texting and driving, an accident waiting to happen. My friend’s mother…yes a grown-up… once cut her LIP while shaving her pits. I’ll wait while you figure that one out. Yes, it is awesome and I now think of my friend’s Mother every day when I shave..carefully. SO what I am saying is I would go with the cleavage note taking just to be safe and to weed out pervs as Deana suggested above.
    .-= Coastal Chick´s last blog ..If my life had a soundtrack =-.

  10. It depends what you write on the inside of your thigh. What if you have to go to the gyno and it says “You’re an idiot!” and your in a very compromising position? If someone’s snatch called me an idiot, I’d be offended. Just sayin.
    .-= Beckles´s last blog ..Cupcakes! =-.

  11. I had a friend who drank a lot, and she needed a reminder that she had a boyfriend and to stop being a whore, so we wrote “You have a boyfriend” on her chest so that every time she looked down, and she has a nice rack, so she looked down a lot, she would be reminded. Well, I saw her stumble out of her room the next morning with “You have a boyfriend” still scrawled across her chest, but with a giant “OOPS!” written in the middle. Damn it all.
    .-= Zephyr´s last blog ..Rediculous Facebook pages =-.

  12. thankyouthankyouthankyou, you’re the only thing that’s made sense so far today. Must check my meds.

  13. apparently, yelling at a movie theater screen is a black people thing. i’m black and, personally, i’ve never been compelled to yell at a movie screen. and that’s today’s lesson on racial stereotypes. “The more you know..” (shooting star)
    .-= Tiffany´s last blog ..That time we talked about boobs at church =-.

  14. I’ve had similar quirks observed by teachers and pastors. They know I’m a writer so they take it for granted that I’m insane. Maybe you need to play that angle more and they’ll be like, “Ohhhhh, right. Writer.”

    Try wearing mismatching socks, shaving half of your head, and getting a tattoo that says “tenpence a bucket”on your neck. Also, it helps to drool when you talk.

  15. Jenny! Will you join my club?? It’s called the PEN 15 club, and it’s the greatest, greatest thing ever. In order to join, just write it on your hands. Voila! Can’t wait until you’re a member.

  16. There’s a certain poetry in the catching idiocy.

    I spend half my life thinking, I’ve got to write this shit down and I never have paper. You’d think I’d learn.

  17. I went to a private highschool and was forced to wear those hideous plaid skirts. we would right the answers to tests on our inner thigh that way we could cross our legs and catch a glimpse of the answer. also, the guy teachers could never say anything then they’d be fired for looking up our skirts. so obviously thigh writing is much less idiotic than hand writing..somtimes.

  18. I do not like this idea AT ALL. My ass would perpetually read GET A TREADMILL, FATTY and then I’d have to slap my own ass to get it to shut up and I would get all excited and have to read my left toe’s message to GET BATTERIES and we all know what that leads to.
    .-= Mocha´s last blog ..Crossing The Line =-.

  19. While I was at the bar with my boyfriend, I drew a happy little dude on the palm of his hand that had a top hat and smiles. It was pretty wicked. He, in return, drew a picture of a naked lady with giant boobs that kind of looked like a mutated sloth with tits and a vagina and I didn’t realize that he had drew that on me until I was introduced to his boss and the bosses wife and I waved at them with the Sloth-Boob-Vagina drawing. It kind of made sense that after that they kind of avoided eye contact with me and sat on the other end of the table.
    .-= Tristachio´s last blog ..Who Knew Only Crap Was Supposed To Go Into The Toilet? =-.

  20. i’d actually write “you’re an idiot” on my crotch and watch the confusion on my husband’s face.

  21. This is exactly why I don’t go to the movies with my mom. She talks to the screen, too. Luckily, I take after my father and didn’t inherit the screen-talking genes. *whew* Dodged a bullet with that one.
    .-= Kathy´s last blog ..Writer’s Workshop: Joe Cool =-.

  22. I’m a little sad about this post. I’m afraid all the nice words your friend wrote all over your body that one time are gonna get their feelings hurt by the idiot thing. Please do not photograph your hand until you scrub off the offensive material.
    .-= juliejulie´s last blog ..Shopping for My Oprah Moment! =-.

  23. I’m going to send you notebooks. You stick them in your purse. Then I’m thinking a movie theater is pretty dark, so you would need a light up pen. Like light up knitting needles–I know, there’s so much knitting being done in dark rooms! But a light-up pen would be cool so I could write down ideas in the middle of the night.

    I think you’ve caused me to be “unidiot” for the moment and I thank you!

    .-= Susie Kline´s last blog ..Appliance Mania =-.

  24. I am crying & snorting laughing…yet again!! Your column–and the comments!–make my day. The commenters are almost as funny as you are, Jenny! Coastal Chick: I can totally see me cutting my lip shaving my armpits. That sounds like me. I’d be stemming the flow of blood, cussing like a sailor, saying, “ONLY me! This could only happen to ME!” Glad to hear that whole idiocity thing is catching. LIttle Monmon: When I got to the “tenpence a bucket” tattoo, I almost wet my pants! Holy shit! I totally need that tattoo! Awesome!

  25. What, it’s not like you wrote on your kid’s hand. Then the teacher could give you a look. You wrote it on your hand, that’s totally kosher. Step off, teacher. Besides, she was probably just thinking that she should write it on her hand. Most teachers are idiots. I know, I am one. We aren’t the sharpest lot. If we were, we’d be doing things that pay better. They should just tattoo “You’re an idiot” on our hands as soon as we declare an education major in college.
    .-= julie´s last blog ..You know you want to….. =-.

  26. I used to write notes on my forearms. Then I got tattoos there. Not easy reading notes among all the ink. So I write on the tops of my feet instead. With the right shoes, no one knows you’re reminding yourself of stuff.
    .-= HexingThoughts´s last blog ..Later Than I Thought, Sorry =-.

  27. I usually have paper with me, but the other day I didn’t and wrote something on my hand so that I’d remember when I got home. Except? Yeah, I washed my hands after using the toilet and it washed right off. So I know I was supposed to remember something when I got home, but I still haven’t remembered what it was.
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Elements Mandala: Water =-.

  28. Bwahaha. Next time you see the teacher, just write ‘I’m sorry’ on your hand — that way you avoid an awkward conversation about whether or not she had seen “you’re an idiot” on your hand.

    If she saw it, she’ll instantly forgive you. If she didn’t, she will ponder her entire day wondering why you’re sorry AND if you’re crazy.

    I’d do it just for the 2nd one. 😉

  29. I usually right my notes on the rubber part of my Chuck’s because it reminds me of high school when I would write “Jen <3 Jason" with a million hearts all around it. It's like a freakin' time machine.

    Except now it's "Don't forget your kid" which is slightly less romantic but hugely more important. Who knew the only thing I learned in high school that would have any affect on my future would be that the rubber on the side of a sneaker is the greatest writing surface in the history of the world?

    They should make notebooks out of that stuff. I would totally buy it.
    .-= followingtheroad´s last blog ..Mother-crunching knees =-.

  30. I haven’t written on myself since high school but after this post and reading the comments I’m having a brilliant idea for the next time I’m in the mood… a sex to-do list written right where it won’t be missed. For example, “Start here… lick GENTLY!”… of course, then the inner thigh would of course have to say, “Excellent, now get off me and go fix the kitchen cabinet hinge I’ve been bitching about for the last year.” 😉

  31. All these how-to-write books tell writers to carry notebooks wherever they go, just in case a bit of inspiration hits. I’m sure they weren’t thinking of writing, “You’re an idiot.” I’ve avoided getting a notebook because I didn’t want another item bogging down my handbag. But now I can see the damage my writing may inflict on others.

  32. Writing secret notes to myself like that on my armpits wouldn’t work for a couple of reasons:
    1.) Hair isn’t a very good writing surface, and
    b.) I have a tendency to wear a lot of flannel shirts with the sleeves cut off, and the flannel makes me sweaty, so I’m always checking to see if my pits stink, so then I’d be out and about and when I’d raise my arms for a sniff check, my secret would be out immediately and dudes would be all, “hey, look at that guy with the stinky armpits, trying to tell me I’M an idiot.”
    .-= AJ in Nashville´s last blog ..Secundum Memor =-.

  33. Is accidentally taking drugs sort of like accidentally getting pregnant? If so, I totally get it, because I swear I just tripped and fell on that penis…
    .-= Lisa´s last blog ..Summer =-.

  34. I write on my hand frequently, but the trouble is, I’ll write something short to remind me (like, ‘You’re an idiot!’) and then later I’ll forget what it’s supposed to reference. Apparently I am an idiot.
    .-= Melissa´s last blog ..The River =-.

  35. If you wrote it on your armpit wouldn’t it erase quicker because of sweat? Or maybe not if you use anti-perspirant or something. Fack. Now I’m all confused. I’m an idiot.
    .-= Annah´s last blog ..A PENIS MADE OF STONE? =-.

  36. In college I’d want to write my dreams down so that I’d remember them in the morning, but was usually too drunk to get out of bed so I’d write it on the wall with a sharpie. The next day I’d wonder why there was hieroglyphics on my dorm room wall. I’m pretty sure it was the drunkenness and not a dream about ancient Egyptions.

  37. The dude who accidently did drugs sounds like the guy who accidently shot himself in the face. He was “reaching for his inhaler” but instead somehow grabbed his gun. Somebody needs to write “I’m an idiot” on HIS hand!

  38. You could write it across your stomach and use your bellybutton as the “o” in idiot.

  39. I can’t even PURPOSEFULLY do drugs. How the hell do you accidentally do it?

    One time, I wrote a phone number on the top of my hand and then I fell asleep and apparenly slept in all sorts of strange positions because when I woke up, I had bits and pieces of the phone number all over my body. And I couldn’t even figure out how they happened the way they did, because some would have me in really contorted positions.

    So don’t write on your hand, that’s the lesson I’m trying to convey.
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Probably The Hardest Holiday To Shop For =-.

  40. Since I do body painting I offered to paint my mom’s chest prior to her surgery- you know swirls and glitter and such. (I’ve seen so many naked body parts over the years that nothing phases me. It’s just all skin.) I thought it would’ve been a nice send off for them; especially since my dad loved them so much- I’d heard. Anyway, I thought it would’ve been a nice surprise for the surgeon- something different you know.
    Mom was afraid the doc would get angry so she didn’t do it. I still think it’s would’ve been neat.
    .-= Bodaciousboomer´s last blog ..Do you turn on the bedroom light at night to go pee?- Unforgettable gifts #4 =-.

  41. This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase Note from the Underbelly.

    Wait, is that just a show and not a well known phrase?

    Note to self, (I think I’ll write it on my underbelly), look up whether or not Notes from the Underbelly was a show or is it an actual phrase? Your comment to Jenny the Bloggess is either THE best or THE lamest. Like most things in my life.

  42. Dude, I always talk to the movies. I try not to yell unless my friends and I make a later showing and nobody’s there. Then we talk more than the movie. Always fun.

    PS I just write notes on my phone now, but I think it’s impolite to take those out in a movie, but then again it’s impolite to yell during the movie SO.
    .-= K´s last blog ..this entry has no value =-.

  43. I was reading this and thinking how writing notes on my thigh would be better than my armpits because thighs have more room (or at least mine do) and I write big. But then I thought what if I needed to get crabs (even though I can’t cook crab and have never bought crabs, but you know hypothetically) then if I got lucky my hubby would be all WTF?? I think I should just carry paper in the big ass purse.
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..Let You Entertain Me. =-.

  44. I have a vase that looks like a bong. One time my dad came over and was looking at it, and then shook his head and said “You kids…” I didn’t realize he thought we were decorating our condo with bongs until later, but I keep forgetting to tell him it’s not a bong. This was like seven years ago. I still have that vase so he’s probably like “Hmmm, still on the marijuana…” My point is, don’t wait seven years to apologize and explain to the teacher.
    .-= Mommica´s last blog ..Fill In the Blank =-.

  45. 1. But if you write on the inside of your thighs, that will totally depend on how OFTEN you shave your snatch.

    2. Or maybe how OFTEN you have sex. Because then victor (or any other lucky guy :D) will tell you, “Hey, you have a note there.”

    But also your partner could feel like an idiot while doing his job down there cuz it will be pointing at him. Hmmm insides of thighs has its own pros and cons..
    .-= Dk´s last blog ..Falling in love with Writing and Stephen King of course 🙂 =-.

  46. It simply sounds like the yelling dude was in the middle of a hypo-manic episode (or he could have been an asshole)
    I am going with mania. I should know. I am at the end of an episode now. And exhausted.
    Drained, after having spent the last three weeks,
    -getting almost no sleep
    -trying to calm the squirrel in my skull (all the racing thoughts)
    -sending texts to my friends at inappropriate hours
    -calling my adult son at 6:30 am (WTF – I KNOW he is not a morning person)
    -getting into the personal business of strangers
    -talking incessantly, intensely and wildly to my partner without allowing him to respond (and he’s a big talker)

    Yesterday was the moment of realization. After four years together, my man and I yelled at each other. Only the second time ever. Ever.

    I went to the doctor finally and they adjusted my meds.

    Yelling at the screen in a movie theater? I could see myself doing that.
    I don’t feel like an idiot 🙂
    .-= The Queer Next Door´s last blog ..Defending the FB =-.

  47. I was okay all the way up to “Nice job, armpit.”

    Who the hell needs a Neti pot when I’ve got you and a mouth/nose full of Iced tea.
    .-= Plano Mom´s last blog ..Another Why… =-.

  48. I actually laughed out loud at Gina’s comment (17). Not good when you’re on an audio conference. This idiocy thing is definitely catching.
    .-= mr farty´s last blog ..Shit My Dad Said =-.

  49. I got an iPhone with a To-Do/Notes application but I now use that for important stuff like random thoughts. This means my hand is still my go to To-do list. This also means that if I need hemorrhoid cream my son’s teacher knows it too. But I guess this just means we’re close. Do you think she knows we are BFF?
    .-= Tonya´s last blog ..Guest Post on Cafe Mom =-.

  50. So I wonder if somebody blogged about you writing on your hand and then seeing you in public? That would be the ultimate in contagiousness…if of course, they wrote it on their hand.

  51. I accidentially did pixie sticks once, thinking they were drugs… now who’s the idiot? Of course I kid… I just eat Tic Tacs and tell everyone I do drugs.

    On a side note, I can stick Tic Tacs up my nose… using only my tongue.

    Hard to believe I’m single, I know.

    I’m totally going to write “you’re an idiot” on my hand and just show it to random people in public places. But in such a manner that they can’t confront me. Like… if I’m in line at the grocery store and some dude is 4 lines over in the 15 items or less line but, clearly, he has 43 items. I’ll catch his eye… wink (because if my previous statement about the Tic Tacs has proved anything it’s this: I’m sexy) and then show him my hand. Of course I’ll need Comic Sans sized 42 font for him to see it… I’ll need a bigger surface. My ass should work. Ooo… and the irony… it’s like I don’t even have to try hard.

    But I do, Jenny…. I try very, very hard.

    Have I mentioned I’m single?!?! Ya….
    .-= The Last Girl Standing´s last blog ..Game On =-.

  52. It’s totally understandable to not write it on your hands. One time my friend asked my to draw a picture of a tattoo for her so I wrote “tattoo” on my forearm because when i write notes to myself i need to remember that i wash my hands and ink hates water and soap. So I was at dinner with my dad that night and he was all “Is that a fucking tattoo?” and since it did say tattoo i had to say he never let me express myself and that he should’ve bought me a pony so i could stay a child forever and he said that i was 18 and could get my own pony and i said that i was broke and couldn’t afford to feed it. Do you know where i can purchase and feed a pony for under $14.37?

  53. my brother accidentally did drugs and woke up with Kieth tattooed on his chest. not only was keith spelled kieth but his name is Bruce so that was weird when he got back to the military base.

  54. At least you didn’t fall asleep and inadvertently have I’M AN IDIOT written on your face. Then people would be all, “You’re an idiot?” And you’d be like,”Huh? Oh, no, don’t worry about it. I just like wrote that there.” And then they’d be all confused cuz like, who writes on their face? And would it be backwards? And then you’d get home and look in the mirror and you’d be like. Oh. I AM an idiot.

  55. when my bff & I (were younger, more attractive, single and drank a LOT) used to go out bar hopping, I would always carry one of those tiny black and white splotchy Mead notebooks with me and take “minutes.” People mistook us for reporters and idiots, but I made sure that we always wrote down our adventures and funny shit that was said during the evening. Don’t you hate it the next day when you know someone said something REALLY, really funny and you cannot remember what it was? Well, minutes fixes that problem (& shows you that most things are more hilarious when you are drunk than when you are hungover). Anyway, I have lots of these notebooks stored away and they are filled with amusing antecdotes by us and various and sundry others (musicians we’d go hear, bartenders, strangers, friends, etc.).

    One of my very favoritest things was when my buddy was waxing poetic on aging and wrote the following:

    “You’re just as young as you feel, but the feeling is whatever you feel , as to whoever makes you feel like the mood you’re in.”

    That was so priceless, I actually cross-stitched it for her and framed it and it still hangs in her home to this day (only in a room where no one can see it, but still)

    my point? take minutes every day of your life so you can remember the good stuff and the idiocy.

  56. It sounds like the answer here is to get a tattoo of a blank post-it note on your forearm so that anything written there would totally explain itself. AND you would have a handy little reminder place.

  57. I love all these suggestions, especially the ones that suggest writing reminder notes on your boobies. You all must be very young and gravity has not yet kicked your ass. It would be just as easy for me to write the reminder to self on the inside of my waistband……. since THAT is where the boobs are anyways.
    .-= Holly B´s last blog ..A Patch For Your Snatch – When Bald Isn’t Beautiful =-.

  58. Idiot me: I thought it would be sexy to write notes to my boyfriend one night. I wrote sexy notes on my hands and really racy ones on my thighs and chest one night. I used pigment ink. I didn’t know at the time that it’s almost as permanent as a tattoo. I couldn’t wear a swimsuit or shorts or tank tops and I had to wear gloves all summer.

    I don’t know what commentluv does either. it does seem kindsorta scary so I’m leaving it off for now.

  59. I have accidentally gotten *drunk* too many times to count. But, it seems like getting high would have to be at least partially intentional. Oh wait, that wasn’t even the point of your post. Huh.

  60. I love you people. For real.

    (The movie was “Get Him to the Greek” and I can’t tell you about anyone accidentally doing drugs because I don’t want to spoil it for you.)

  61. Margaret June 17, 2010 at 11:08 am And never shake hands while the ink is still wet.

    Exactly! Because that’s how the contagion spreads.

    Gina June 17, 2010 at 11:23 am But – BUT! – if I write on the inside of my thigh then I’ll be paranoid about my thighs rubbing together when I walk and sweating

    And your husband would think you cheated on him with an octopus.

  62. First of all you aren’t an idiot. You had a witty idea and devised a way so you would not forget. That’s SMART not idiotic. The guy yelling at the screen IS an idiot. Don’t even compare yourself.

  63. I had this brilliant idea of writing all my notes to myself on the inside of my eyelids.. this way, no one can see ithem but me and, every time I close my eyes I’ll be reminded of what I need to do. But then I realized that it’s really damn dark when I close my eyes and I can’t really see what I’ve written.

    And I wonder why nothing ever gets done…..,

  64. I always write on my hands. Usually ideas for posts. Which would explain why a lot of my posts make no sense because I don’t have very big hands.

    I like the idea of telling myself about myself on my own hands. Would it be inappropriate to write “Your thighs are NOT too big!” or “Your gray hair is absolutely camouflaged by doing the female ‘comb-over’ in that ponytail. No one can tell. Swear to God” except, well, SMALL HANDS, right? So I’d end up condensing it into something like “Gray Hair Pony God” which sounds like a really low-budget porn flick…
    .-= tracey´s last blog ..Halfway there… =-.

  65. I’d rather have 100 people see (and make judgements about) something written on my paw than ONE person see a memotomyself written on my inner thigh.

    But that’s just me.

  66. I do not yell at the screen in movies because it would be rude but feel just fine about yelling at the TV. I usually yell at people in Congress, though, and sometimes reporters.
    .-= happyhourmary´s last blog ..XA Vinos Domecq =-.

  67. On my right hand is a post-it that says “Use this hand for ‘Loser,'” so my insulting gesture won’t be delayed because I can’t tell the difference between an L and a J in the heat of the moment.

  68. i remember seeing Repo Man at the River Oaks Theatre and some guy stoop up and yelled “Does any one know what the fuck is going on here?!” But I think it was a plea for help and sort of felt the same way.

  69. Isn’t that why people video tape in the movie theater? So if someone shouts at the screen or blow jobs going on in the back row, you can go back and watch the tape and remember to blog about it.
    .-= Secrets Kept´s last blog ..Maxi Cat =-.

  70. First of all, how the hell do you “accidentally” do drugs?

    Second of all, I just wrote “drungs” instead of “drugs” like eleventy thousand times, so I probably should just give up.

    Third of all, what happens if you write “You’re an idiot” on your armpit, but then you go to class, and because it’s pretty warm out, you wear a sleeveless shirt, and so anyway, you raise your hand to answer the teacher’s question because you’re a brown noser like that, and then she sees that you’ve written “YOu’re an idiot” on your pit, and then you get suspended from school, and all within days — nay — hours of finishing the entire school year with a 98% average?!


    That was longer than I expected.
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..So apparently I am a drunken slob =-.

  71. Although I suppose I can sort of understand accidentally doing drugs, because I accidentally got drunk twice in my life. The first time, I ended up kissing an old man with a very grey beard, and the second time, I really don’t remember, which is most probably better for everyone, including me.
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..So apparently I am a drunken slob =-.

  72. I had a similar incident when I wrote a LSU football player’s name on my hand so I would remember to email my sister (big LSU fan) that I met him, but I wrote on my hand minutes before meeting my boyfriend’s mother. She already wasn’t so sure about me, but then I had to have a long conversation about why I had a football player’s name on my hand and that it really was a logical thing to do under the circumstances. I don’t think she understood. It was obvious.
    .-= Naked Girl in a Dress´s last blog ..Girls’ Weekend Part 2: Racing and Friendship =-.

  73. So, I’m unclear on whether or not the original “Dude, you’re an idiot!” was deemed acceptable. This is important because I’m attending the wedding of a questionable couple this weekend and may need it during “…forever hold your peace”.
    .-= fuck yeah, motherhood!´s last blog ..On Dying Alone. And Pantsless. =-.

  74. Did drugs “accidently”…hmmm…wish I would have thought of that excuse to tell my parents…

  75. I suggest you write “You’re an idiot” or even better “You’re a pervy a**hole” on your boobs. That way, if some pervy a**hole looks down your blouse, you won’t have to verbally chastise them.

    Of course, you might want to explain this to Victor, lest he get the mistaken idea that… oh, never mind. He’s probably used to all this stuff, anyway.

    .-= Ed T.´s last blog ..AD-oSO =-.

  76. That reminds me of the time a boyfriend got me an autograph from comedian Kevin Meaney, ’cause I loved that guy (Kevin, not the lame-o boyfriend). It was written on a piece of cardboard and read, “Love that ass! Kevin Meaney.” That winter, the idiot next door broke our window when something hard flew out of his snowblower. We needed something to cover it up. Thinking we’d found a regular piece of cardboard lying around, we put it up in the window. Took us months before we realized it was the autograph, and the words were facing the neighbors house. I can’t imagine which one of the freaks living there thought we were digging on their ass.
    .-= Wombat Central´s last blog ..While I Was Out Shopping =-.

  77. My boss yells at me all the time for writing stuff on my hand.

    Says it’s “unprofessional”. Dude… I work in the office of a freakin’ scrap yard… I’m surrounded by guys that wear t shirts to work that say things like “Sometimes no means yes” and, my personal favorite, “For a good time, call your mother. I did.” I think projecting the image of professionalism should be the least of his worries.

  78. I am pretty sure that it is incredibly easy to accidentally do drugs.

    Like when you decide your sugar jar is an excellent place to hide your cocaine and then invite people over for coffee. Or something. I am not really sure how drugs work. I ONLY do them accidentally because finding a drug dealer seems complicated, especially for someone who hates meeting new people. And I am lazy and don’t particularly want to learn how they work.

    (Cocaine is the white powder stuff right? Is it sweet and sort of sugary? Because I originally said that to be funny and now I am sort of concerned that I need to clarify whether it is cocaine or sugar next time I am at someone else’s house. Just in case I have an important appointment later or something.)

  79. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to write notes like “You’re an idiot” on one of your hands, so long as you balance it out with an inoffensive followup on your other hand. Like “Psych!” or “Kidding!” So if you accidentally flash your “You’re an idiot” hand to your daughter’s teacher, you could then casually fist-bump her with the other apologetic hand. This system fails if your daughter’s teacher sees the innocuous hand first. Then you’d probably just have to punch her. Or swiftly kick her with your foot, on which you’ve written “Sorry.” Or “You left me no choice.”
    .-= alonewithcats´s last blog ..Your concerns about whether or not I’m dead are cute. And only slightly concerning. =-.

  80. I totally write notes on my hands all the time, but usually numbers, passwords, etc., so the “You’re and idiot” part (as it applies to me) is pretty apparent since I usually have to start reading on the palm of my hand and turn over to the back of my hand as I enter the information (product keys and tracking numbers get so damn long!). Better add “You’re and geek and possibly a moron, but obviously the only person available/willing to do the job.” Yeah, that would be me.

    Or maybe I should start writing in my armpit? My 4-yr-old has been saying “I want some armpit” lately. (No, really, I swear, he has–for like a week, now). I thought he meant deodorant, but maybe he’s just feeling left out of the communication loop. Poor misunderstood little thing.

    “alonewithcats” has an excellent system, but I would put “Sorry” on one foot and “You left me no choice” on the other ’cause I can see how I might need both. And often. And depending on the situation, knees and elbows can come in handy. Just sayin’. Always be prepared.
    .-= Bramble Scat´s last blog ..NOW, who’s kid is this? (The "Dang it, Butthead!" Episode) =-.

  81. Things could be worst: you could’ve written shit on your face. Then you’d really look like an idiot. Or maybe a genius. No, seriously, think about it: if you wrote shit on your face, people would come up to you all the time and ask you why you have whatver you wrote, written on your face, and you’d never forget. And if ever you get tired of justifying your reasons for why it’s a brilliant idea to write things on your face, you can just yell at them and be like “I’M TRYING OUT NEW MAKEUP LOOKS, WHAT’S IT TO YOU!” I just don’t see a lose in this situation.

    I might just be the smartest person EVER.

    Fuck you, Einstein. What now!

  82. I just like that you write “y’all” the way “y’all” is supposed to be written….. and that you’re always so right with your self and all……..

  83. Your going to start writing notes on the inside of your thighs? So…uhhhhh….’bout when are you going back to the movies? Aaaaand which theater will this be? I’ll be the guy behind you shouting stupid things at the screen so I can, you know….watch you take notes ‘n stuff.
    .-= Fivehead´s last blog ..Why the "creator" has hairy palms. =-.

  84. Since it’s contagious, do you think Hailey’s teacher went back inside of the school and wrote “you’re an idiot” on HER hand to remind HER to tell other teachers and/or blog about the incident with you somewhere in the wild west of the internet?

    I mean, just sayin.

    Oh shit. I just accidentally took some drugs. Sigh.
    .-= The Faux Trixie´s last blog ..In The Woods =-.

  85. I’m glad I’m not the one who said yelling at the screen in the theater is a black person thing because I’m white and it would probably sound racist and than I’d be going through THAT whole thing again. So I’m glad one of your other commenters already pointed it out. Am I racist if I agree with her?
    .-= Mama Kat´s last blog ..A New Kind Of Housewife =-.

  86. My hand currently has “see other hand” written on it but the other hand is blank…that’s a cruel joke we alcoholics like to play on ourselves…I need a drink
    .-= SumSum´s last blog now what… =-.

  87. I was looking for a way to passive aggressively insult people with different body parts! Thanks!

    I think the best thing to do is to put different messages in different places that would amount to a full conversation. Right hand says “you’re an idiot” left foot says “am not!” Right thigh says “I’m telling armpit!” Armpit says “I need a drink!”

    .-= KatieKates´s last blog ..Foodie vs Foodiot: No one cares about my cheese? But it’s artisan! =-.

  88. This is an area where women clearly have the advantage over men…not that there aren’t many others, but I don’t remember them all just now as I do not have any convenient places to write them down for subsequent discovery in the shower. Sorry if this makes me seem like an unrepentant misogynist. Now that I think about it, perhaps this is the first logical (ie. not too creepy to contemplate) justification I have heard for ‘man-scaping.’
    .-= Jonah Gibson´s last blog ..Day 234 – Daily Mass and Other Perquisites of the Unemployed =-.

  89. People dissed Sarah Palin for writing notes on her hand at that Tea Party convention, but I’m an avid palm-writer myself. I mean, after a certain age, who can remember anything without a little support?
    Hand-writing is also a useful in family discussions. Like when Tom found the Manolo shoebox and we had a lively deebate about whether a woman really needs five different styles of black pumps, I was glad I’d jotted down a few talking points on my hand before things heated up.
    Palm jots are also a handy reminder system when I’m multi-tasking. So, if I leave my office to go to the bedroom, say, to get my backscratcher, I make a hand note as to what my mission is, since I will have invariably forgotten by the time I get to the bedroom.
    Trouble is, with hand reminders, I often forget to remember I have a reminder on my palm and I wash my hair, thereby eliminating the possibility of reminding myself to remember whatever it is I’ve forgotten.
    .-= Jessica Harper´s last blog ..Sweet Spots In NYC =-.

  90. Sadly, I can’t judge the guy in the theatre. My dad and I went to see The Patriot (you know, forever ago when Mel was still sane and made good movies), and you know at the end where he stabs the horse? I jumped up and yelled “NO, NOT THE HORSE.” It was a long time before Dad and I went to a movie theatre together again.

    As far as notemaking goes, I agree with other commentors that armpits and thighs are not good places for bodily notes. Too much skin on skin action. Before you know it, your note about “You’re an idiot” turns into “o ‘r o i d ot” and what the hell does that mean? Were you intending to write an ode to hemmorhoids? The stomach is a much safer place. Plus, then if anyone sees it, it’s upside down and backwards, so they won’t be able to read it anyway.
    .-= Rachel´s last blog ..Daddy’s little girl =-.

  91. No, no, no. You’re doing it wrong. You need to abbreviate your reminders on your hand, so only YOU know what they mean. For instance, in this case, you should have written “N.I.T.” on you hand which, in my mind, is short for “You’re an idiot.” The tricky thing here is that “N.I.T” really isn’t the correct abbreviation for “You’re an Idiot” and it happens to spell “Nit” which one might tack on a “wit” to and then you’re back to square one. So, all in all, it might be best that you continue to write long prose on your palm … but, then people can tell by the newness of the ink that you haven’t washed your hands in a long time. In that case, “N.I.T.” might work, because it could serve two-fold by reminding you that “You’re an idiot” and telling the public “Not Immediately Transferred” for any communicable diseases you might have at the time.

    Really, it’s a bird in the hand. I think. What does that mean anyway?

  92. You and Sarah Palin both use palm pilots….the only difference between you and Sarah Palin is I would actually vote for you.

  93. My friend once caught her 3 year old son stood in the bathroom sink brushing his teeth with her husband’s Gillette Mach 3 Razor – it’s not really a relevant story comment about writing on your hand until you get to the comment about someone’s mother cutting her lip while she was shaving her pits…
    .-= The DHW´s last blog ..It’s party time =-.

  94. Your post raises a lot of questions in my mind.
    1. What movie did you see?
    2. What kind of drugs were accidentally done? I really need to know this one or you can just tell me the name of the movie and I will see for myself.
    3. What other comments did the guy yell out or was this the only one? I had to walk out of Ali due to one woman’s constant yelling at the screen. Specifically to JADA (girl) herself and not to the character she was playing.
    4. Do you not have a phone or something that you can send a note to yourself?
    .-= LORI´s last blog ..Wait. Is this Backwards Day? =-.

  95. Maybe you should decide where to jot your notes based on the topic. Like a theme. Thoughts about your shrink would go on your head, unusual one cent piece musings would go on your lady bits, Smells Like Teen Spirit would go in your armpit. I can’t really figure out where taxidermy should go, though. Hmmm.

  96. I love your blog you’re awesome and I was just wondering how long it took you before you started to get a decent following. I just started to blog and I’m pretty sure my sister is the only reader I have.

  97. It took years and some of my blogs still don’t get many comments but I still write them. Writing for yourself is a good thing. Helps you find your voice.

  98. Another of your blogs I sometimes read on my phone when I am at work and the teeny keyboard makes it really impossible to write a good comment and then I get home and totally forget that I was going to comment. So maybe a note in my armpit would be helpful for that. Although I liked someone else’s suggesting of just using your cleavage for notes.

    And then one of your blogs wants a DNA sample or something before you can comment and I only have so much DNA so… no commenting on THAT blog.

    Of course, with comments like this, maybe it’s better that I just sortve unload some of that DNA I have that I’ve been hoarding…
    .-= msdarkstar´s last blog ..Thursday Thunks… =-.

  99. You know what would have been cooler? If the junkie doing drugs had been the guy in the theater and the guy in the MOVIE yelled “you’re an idiot!” But then you would probably have been so startled that you wouldn’t have written it on your hand.
    .-= lettergirl´s last blog ..A Cleanup in 3 Acts =-.

  100. You did NOT go see the movies alone do you? Only tortured poets do that. Or housewives in New Jersey in the 1930s. Write the notes on Victor’s arm (or whoever you go to the movie with. Wink wink) next time!
    .-= subWOW´s last blog ..Be cool like me. Wear Threadless. =-.

  101. Ok accidentally doing drugs sounds like some lame ass thing you tell the cops when you are stoned… it is not like a speed limit, which you may exceed not knowing…

    As for the dude yelling at the screen, yep he is an idiot. The new movie technology only goes one way dude, they can’t hear you! Yeesh…

  102. i write things on my hand all the time.

    have not considered my inner thigh or armpit. the armpit might work. but then i would have to look in a mirror to read it. which would make it backwards. unthank you armpit. the thigh…i think that would only work if they did not touch. because of the smudges and all after walking to put the pen up. if you forgot and then wore shorts people might think you had va-jayjay rot. and that could be bad.

    i would just rather be crazy and have people think they’re idiots. it is much easier. things stay the same that way.
    .-= Loco YaYa´s last blog ..The Year In Review =-.

  103. You should have claimed it was positive affirmations for yourself. You could have claimed instead of writing “I’m smart,” you wrote “You’re an idiot.” Where does that leave you? Feeling pretty damn good about yourself. Brilliant!
    .-= Michelle Zive´s last blog ..HOLDING ON AND LETTING GO: PROLOGUE =-.

  104. I remember this one time I was in school mucking around with friends. We were writing shit on our hands… I mean literally writing the word shit… Because we have the maturity of a pre-foetal child. Anyways, the reason we were writing this to one another on our hands was because we were across the classroom from one another… So long story short… We were douching it up when I decide to write the words “Fuck off…” I was about to show him when the teacher gives me a look and tells me off for misbehaving… Me… being argumentative, tried to explain myself, but the teacher was about to begin talking again, so I put my hand up to say “I was doing work, honest”…I forgot what I had written.. the teacher looks over and sees me going “sir” with “Fuck off” written on my hand… Safe to say… I was held back after class and was told how I had offended my teacher and how I was a bully -TRUE STORY… Afterwards I couldn’t help but feel kick ass for making my teacher feel inadequate…

  105. ALSO… “I’m gonna decorate my house in this – OUTSIDE! My house will look like a werewolf” – You get it right?!


  106. One time when I was cool and way sexy, I saw this really hot guy in the video store ( before netflix became my lover) So with some quick thinking I wrote my phone number on my hand but in reverse and then as I was leaving walked up and said, ” Hey your cute call me” and shook his hand and walked away. It worked, he called we dated. But then we broke up and he married my best friend. Still I thank John Hughes for my capability to even have this kind of thought pattern.

  107. I’m going to ask a stranger to write my reminder notes on my inner thigh – I like that idea a lot, but with my lower back problems, it might be hard to really get down there. I will use this as a bold move of flirtation. When I see a hot stranger, I’ll just walk up and say, “Hi, can you write ‘Need top ramen and milk duds'” on my inner thigh. I love it.
    .-= Vodka and Ground Beef´s last blog ..How To Properly Boycott BP =-.

  108. What an absolutely hilarious story. And I think most people lack the dedication to write on their armpits. It makes me feel a little weird just thinking about it, really…

  109. Whew. Until I heard you wrote that on your hand, I was certain you were talking to me. Me, who would NEVER write stuff on my hand. That I would admit to. Okay, I’d admit it, but everybody else here took all the good comments.

  110. What would be really freaky is if your armpit answered with a ‘why thank you’.

  111. Jen,

    You need to get one of those small audio recorders (about $40 at Walmart) to create quick messages to yourself when you can’t access a pen and paper (like most of the time when you are out of the house, right?) I use mine all the time, except when I forget it when leaving my office (which is almost always).

    When I do remember to bring it along, I leave messages to myself like “assholes at the Post office” and “asshole drivers strike again” and “how can that asshole afford that fuckin giant pickup?”

  112. LOVED this post – made me laugh like a drain!
    My son stuck stickers of a pigs onto my face (which I forgot about)( and I went to a Muslim birthday party – went down like a lead balloon…

  113. One of my college friends, Mike (who coincidentally was a writer/producer on the Scott Baio is Thirty-something and Pregnant show) once posted a Myspace blog (this is old obviously) saying that when he went to see a DIE HARD movie, about an hour and a half in a guy yells at the screen “Yeah, like THAT could happen”. This was after the hero had performed numerous unlikely feats and then he jumps from one moving vehicle to another or something and that’s when the moviegoer yells that out. Weird timing.

  114. This is awesome. It’s just like when I’m at the movies and people are clapping at the screen and I’m like ‘It’s not a play, the actors can’t hear you.’

  115. I knew a priest who always wrote on his hand. Ball point ink was tattooed into his skin.
    Freaky at communion.

    But I loved to crack on him for writing down our next meeting time in his “Palm” .

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