Happy Father’s Day! (This counts as a card.)

You know how the oven has that “self-cleaning” feature where you hit a button and it goes up to volcano temperature and it burns off all the germs and junk in there and then you never have to actually scrub it down?  This is exactly why I need a flame thrower to clean the toilets.  I mentioned it to Victor and he was all “Um…what?” and then I explained it again and he said “no” (but with more huffing) but I’m thinking that if I buy him a flame thrower for Father’s Day then I could use it.  Which seems a bit selfish, except that I’m not just cleaning the toilets for myself, y’all.  We all win if I get a flamethrower.  Except that I called several places and none of them have flame throwers.  Except Home Depot said they had something called a “butane kitchen torch”, which is apparently like a miniature flame-thrower that you use to make crème brûlée and I was all “Yeah, I’m really looking for something more…dynamic.” And then I whispered, “It’s for the toilet” and then Home Depot hung up on me.  True story.  Those guys are super unhelpful.


And now for a list of shit-I-did-this-week-when-I-wasn’t-here:

And now, time for my weekly wrap-up of shit-I-was-doing-when-I-wasn’t-here:

    This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):

    This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

    This week on the internets:

    • Not much actually.

    This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    73 thoughts on “Happy Father’s Day! (This counts as a card.)

    Read comments below or add one.

    1. Home Depot is never helpful. And, at least the one I usually go to, likes to rearrange everything between my visits so it’s impossible for me to find anything.
      .-= Sono´s last blog ..Arrival of the RamenBox! =-.

    2. I’m so happy that you linked to Allie from Hyperbole and a Half. It’s almost like the degree of which I stalk both of you has increased by one. Or maybe I’m thinking of that Kevin Bacon game where everyone knows everyone.
      .-= Untypically Jia´s last blog ..Those Who Didn’t Have to Be =-.

    3. May I suggest a tad bit of kerosene or gasoline poured into the toilet bowl, along with a match- thrown from a distance of at least 4 feet. That should take care of all your toilet cleaning issues.

      It might be helpful to make sure your home owners insurance is up to date, have the fireman on standby (dude- fireman are hot, so it’s pretty much worth blowing up your house if they’re going to come), and also have the burn unit at the hospital reserve a bed for you.

      I’m not really sure why this wouldn’t work….
      .-= SuzRocks´s last blog ..Michigan Legislators, MSU Bars, and Jack Bauer =-.

    4. My husband, to whom I just read this post, (at the beach in Cabo) just recommended that Victor just take said creme brule torch with him into the head and light a fart once a week. This will solve your toilet cleaning issue and has the bonus advantage of keeping excessive ass hair to a minimum. Caution! Be sure you have quality porcelain bowls not $39.99 Home Depot specials. Then again you might be considering a bathroom remodel. Really, I am just typing into the iPad whatever he tells me. He is at Home Depot twice a day when we are not in Mexico
      .-= Happyhourmary´s last blog ..Pub de la Chapu =-.

    5. Bad Home Depot for offering you the wimpy little girlie torches, when they have perfectly lovely big, blue, badass torches in the plumbing department. I know this because I have two, and use them often. I’m taking one to an encaustic class next Saturday, but I’d be happy to lend you the other one for testing on the toilets. However, if you burn your effing house down, you’re on your own.
      .-= Lisa´s last blog ..Dreams vs. Reality =-.

    6. I have a flamethrower. It rocks. I use it all the time in the studio when making my art.

      Technically, it’s sold as a propane weed burner, but trust me, it’s a flamethrower. They’re pretty cheap too:

      Alternatively, if 100,000 BTUs ain’t enough (I haven’t seen the toilet in question) you might get in touch with people at Burning Man or the Crucible in SF, who could likely help you DIY something a bit more robust.

      I’d also recommend investing in one of those stainless steel toilets they have in prisons so that you don’t crack the ceramic if it gets too hot.

      Have fun!
      .-= John T Unger´s last blog ..BottleCap Fish Mosaic No. 50 =-.

    7. Methinks a flamethrower is nay good enough for my toilets. I have 2 boys — 3 if you count the poodle. Need I say more? Although, to be honest, the poodle doesn’t really know how to use the toilet. He does drink from it now and then, though, which just made me throw up in my mouth thinking about it.
      .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Whereby I don’t bother taking my camera and miss out on about 1,357 amazing shots that would have made me millions. Oh, and Happy Father’s Day, dudes! =-.

    8. Clearly this is a patent pending idea.
      This is an infomercial waiting to happen.
      People are standing by ready to take my credit card information.

      You could be a millionaire (or whatever the current really rich equivalent is) by the end of the year. Call someone. I don’t know who, but there are people who make these thing and then put them in packages that say “As seen on TV.” So I k now its possible.
      .-= Non-Believer´s last blog ..When Star Wars enters the subconscious =-.

    9. I have now subscribed to yet another blog written by someone who may be functionally insane. Thanks, Jenny! You find me all the best stuff.

      A Softer World is seriously the best. I have spent money to get prints of their comics which at some point (when I’m a responsible adult) I intend to frame and hang on my walls so I can see them always. (Also, I want to have Joey Comeau’s babies.)
      .-= Sean´s last blog ..When I Knew =-.

    10. I just heard someone say you can empty a can of coke in your toilet and leave it for an hour and it will get rid of the mineral ring- haven’t tried it myself yet.
      .-= pamela´s last blog ..Home =-.

    11. Those creme brulee torches are for wimps. Go back to Home Depot and tell them you want the propane torch that runs off the canister of propane that’s like 1′ tall. It will get the job done. Take my word for it. And if Victor huffs at you again, light it up and just make sure he sees it. He’ll quit the huffing without you having to say a word!
      .-= Bodaciousboomer´s last blog ..I don’t know how guys walk around with tallywhackers =-.

    12. Um, why is everyone so insistent on giving Jenny the power of fire? I dunno, maybe it’s the pyrophob in me, but this just doesn’t seem like the smartest idea.

    13. You know how stores will suggest that babies should only be breastfed in bathrooms, and then moms will organize a nurse-in to protest? It really sounds like Home Depot was suggesting that you eat your creme brulee in the toilet, so you should probably show up at Home Depot with a flamethrower IN PROTEST. You could call it a flame-in.
      .-= Erin´s last blog ..This Face =-.

    14. seriously… pour a can of coke in the toilet and leave it for like an hour or something.. actually I’m not really sure how long…i just leave it overnight and flush when I wake up and then I get to pee in a sparkly clean toilet!

    15. Oh dude – you totally have to go to the farm supply store and get the propane one for killing weeds. It is *awesome*. Since we bought it I’ve only had to have the fire department out twice. True story. It turns out the local firemen are pretty forgiving though not as hot as I’d hoped. Now I’m not allowed to use it anymore, and that is sad because I didn’t even think of using for toilets.

    16. Dave Barry wrote once about setting his toilet on fire after covering it with rubbing alcohol to SUPERsterilize it, as suggested by a science person. He said that “a flaming toilet has a strange sort of beauty that can only be described as ‘a strange sort of beauty'” (paraphrased). He also recommended letting it cool down before using it.
      .-= K´s last blog ..this entry has no value =-.

    17. “Not much, really” happened on the Internets this week, because AT&T melted it down when the whole world tried to upgrade to a new iPhone!

      However, I did manage to find a way to link to you in my blog post today. Which I think counts as something. Now, I just have to sit back and wait for the unicorns to arrive, disgorging tons and tons of comment love on my little blog.

      .-= Ed T.´s last blog ..Hell’s Kitchen: A Night of Oil Spills, Burned Hands, and Other Train Wrecks =-.

    18. I read somewhere that a scientist discovered that the only way to completely sanitize a toilet seat is to pour lighter fluid on it and then ignite the fluid. Blow it out after a few seconds and ta-da! Clean toilet. Just let it cool down before you use it.

    19. “a softer world” is like someone is writing the contents of my heart and I often wonder how they know what’s in there. probably some monitoring-type shit they installed while I was flailing hysterically during childbirth. I hope they don’t see how I feel about my parents. or, if they do, they at least express it in their usual, beautiful way.
      .-= fuck yeah, motherhood!´s last blog ..Soon I’m Going To Need A Master’s Degree Just To Ground Them, Part 2 =-.

    20. You can use a flame thrower to make your kitchen kosher, too. I know how that’s been a deep-seeded need of yours, so you should explain to Victor how multipurposeful (see? it also helps you make new words!!!) flame throwers are. So, you, Jenny, are just one “butane kitchen torch” away from being Jewish. And considering that I just learned that Weird Al Yankovic ISN’T Jewish, I kinda need this one. Make it happen, Bloggess.
      .-= HannahBanana´s last blog ..With an "s" bitches!! =-.

    21. When I was a teen my mother asked me to weed the walkway. I waited for her to leave and then borrowed my dad’s flamethrower. That was the last time I had to weed. True story. I still ask him every once in a while if I can paint it pink (the flamethrower, not the walkway) but he doesn’t seem to see the genius of this plan.

    22. With three sons, and a husband who is a borderline pyromaniac (seriously, he has a huge obsession with matches and candles – almost setting the backyard on fire last summer playing with the citronella candles) I don’t think keeping anything that can automatically produce a flame – a really big one – is a good idea. No siree. I LIKE my house.
      .-= Jodie at Mummy Mayhem´s last blog ..Mean Midwives =-.

    23. Well, the weed thingy is nice and all that, but you (and I) live in Texas where it is legal to preserve various–how-to-say-it–“militaria” for the purposes of reenactments, historical displays (museums, air shows, gun shows, and the like) and other “events.” When you’re not using said items (like, say, a flame thrower) for the preservation of our great nation’s history (no I am not s****ing you), you may use it for your own purposes so long as they occur on your own private property and do not endanger others (blah, blah, blah). That last bit can be a bit sticky. My first hubby was a WWII reenactor and had many toys including a tank–ok, two tanks–and they had all sorts of absolutely critical uses. Absolutely necessary. Nothing commands respect in your neighborhood like parking a tank in your driveway.

      Or it could have been the swastika.

      Ok, so it wasn’t respect. More like freakish terror.

      I mentioned he was my first husband? As in X-….yeah…true story, though!
      .-= Bramble Scat´s last blog ..Happy Camper Number One (NOW) =-.

    24. I suggest Harriet Carter’s Garden Torch. You get a longer range and more power than a simple kitchen torch.
      .-= Amanda´s last blog ..Ouch. =-.

    25. They have little flamethrowers at farm and ranch supply stores. They’re designed for burning weeds, but toilet germs are kind of like weeds, so it should work just fine. If Victor doesn’t think this is a good idea, then I’d be asking him what he has against a sanitized bathroom. Like, are all those bacteria his friends or something? Seriously, anything living in your toilet should receive death by fire. Also, I bet you could use it to dust.

    26. I seriously want to put “We all win if I get a flamethrower” on a t-shirt. I may actually do that. Because really, you can’t go wrong with a flamethrower. It doesn’t matter what color it is, how long the handle is, whether it’s meant for weeds or for aliens- it’s still all-around badass.
      .-= LS´s last blog ..Content Writing =-.

    27. Those little butane kitchen torches are poor substitutes for a flame thrower. The can is too small, so you’d have to reach you hand in closer than the brush to get any cleaning done. One thing I’ve learned about toilets is you want to have as much space as possible between you and the bowl.

      I’m sorry Victor ruined Father’s Day for you.

    28. You could try the party trick favourite of lighting a match under the spray of a deodorant can aimed very carefully in the general direction of the toilet bowl. Sure, it’s not a conventional flame thrower, but with a little practise you could possibly burn the entire house down. But you’d have a clean toilet. Good luck!
      .-= The Dalai Moron´s last blog ..Ambush Marketers Are Very Cheeky =-.

    29. I thought the flame thrower idea had merit-especially when it comes to eradicating germs in the toilet. Let’s face it, time is money so in 3 seconds you can have a clean toilet? I’m in!

      I ran it past my husband and as a Fire Chief, he just wasn’t going for it. He wouldn’t even get me “The Brulee” model. So much for efficient cleaning.

      Where is the Tidy Bowl Man these day anyway? I think he was flushed. It was creepy as a kid thinking there was a man in a boat in the toilet tank. Why did we think blue water was cleaner? My brain hurts.
      .-= LookieLou´s last blog ..NJ Resident Supporting K9 Veterans Day =-.

    30. Bloggess, I <3 you the mostest out of all bloggy people on the internet because you are very funny and also are pretty much a person of incalculable amazingness. Now though, you’ve got me into Hyperbole and a Half and I have literally achieved nothing at work today… Apart from reading her blog (and yours). So I haven’t achieved complete nothingness. But anyway. Yeah, I don’t have a point to make, that’s all I wanted to say. Bye!

    31. My toilet has a self cleaning “VOLCANO TEMPERATURE” like that but it’s called “Putting TOO MUCH Cajun seasoning on your chicken” and now that I’m thinking about it even though it FEELS like volcano temperature, it’s probably only making the toilet worse.
      .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Tortoise Embryos and Robot Anal Probes =-.

    32. If you had a flamethrower, you wouldn’t even NEED an oven.
      That’s how I justified it to my husband.

    33. I like the idea of a flame thrower for cleaning the toliet; using disinfectant sprays and wipes just makes me feel like I’m spreading the icky. Flames and bathrooms do go hand-in-hand anyway. I remember my grandma had little candles and matches on the back of the toliet at her house. Of course she also had a fuzzy toliet seat cover…hmmm, that should be on the warning label of your newly patented toliet flame cleaner: ‘remove ridiculous seat cover before use.’ Actually nevermind, leave it on 😉

    34. I think I need to try and not find connections between the things you post on the Sunday wrap-up. Because of there is any connection between flamethrowers (ummm…accidentally typed that out first as “flameflowers,” my subconscious is odd) and giant flood babies I think it better than I live in ignorance.

      That being said, I’d use a flamethrower on a toilet. I’d consider napalm in some circumstances.
      .-= Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points´s last blog ..My butter is too fat. =-.

    35. Once read an article by a scientist guy who was obsessed by how “germy” the normal household could be. You know the kind, “keep your toothbrush in the linen closet so it doesn’t get splashed when hubby uses the toilet”. His suggestion was to squirt lighter fluid over the toilet and light it. Flames up, goes out (assuming you don’t hit the rug or towels or the dog or something) and kills everything. hmmm. better and cheaper that the flame thrower, although I must admit I’ve been begging my husband to get one for years. He doesn’t think I can be trusted with one, but what does that mean?

    36. You totally stole my torch idea. Except I already own torches. I have a small one that uses canned MAPP gas and a bigger one that uses propane and oxygen. Usually I use them to make beads, but I’m getting tired of how no one else in this house can clean the castiron skillet the right way and remember to oil it afterwards. Then it gets all gunky and sometimes rusty, so I have to start the curing cycle all over again. And it occurred to me that I could just use one of my torches–outdoors of course!–to get that sucker cleaned and cured all in one easy step.
      So I guess you really didn’t steal my exact idea. But it was close.
      .-= Susie Kline´s last blog ..Food Time! Quick Cajun Pasta Salad =-.

    37. The torch makes perfect sense! And I could totally get my husband to go for that – he likes fire as much as I do and it’s always fun to see what kind of trouble we can get into.

      We don’t have a flame thrower, but we do have a big propane torch… I’ll let you know how it goes if (when) I try it.

      And, um, what the hell is that Father’s day present? Seriously? Ew.
      .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Sex and the City 2 Soundtrack Review =-.

    38. This has nothing to do with Father’s day, or with your post at all…but I went to the citywide garage sale on Saturday and there was a lady waiting outside with the most exquisite boars head on a plank of wood I have seen in quite some time. Since James Garfield. But not quite the same because obviously this lady was going to name it something like Captain Ahab, and that’s not really as cool now is it? Well, kindofbutnotreally.

      I also saw a deer leg made into a thermometer. So fetch! (Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen!).
      .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..You know you’re a real adult when… =-.

    39. What you need to get your hands on is a roofing torch. Hook it up with a propane-approved hose (not your garden hose) to a propane tank like the one on your bbq (or the convenient wee bottle ones), light the pilot light with a lighter and voila… an uber toilet cleaner! Perhaps it will melt the closures for the seat/lid but that seems like a small price to pay for a toilet with no “oops I missed” grossness on it!! Bonus… it sounds like a jet liner taking off. It’ll be like a vacation in your bathroom, but different.

    40. ok. all the comments about how great a can of Coke is to clean a nasty toilet has me convinced NEVER to put THAT substance into my digestive tract again….geez!

    41. Those idiots at Home Depot are never helpful. When I was finishing my basement, I cussed them out on a daily basis. I even came up with a new slogan for them (which being they assholes they are, they declined to use): Home Depot- You can do it. We cannot help, and in fact, willl do everything in our power to make it as hard as possible.
      .-= Rachel´s last blog ..You have no power over me =-.

    42. My toilet had a brown mineral crust that looked like hardened poop, and I was expecting a visit from my squeaky-clean Danish in-laws. I poured a container of white vinegar in the bowl and let it soak overnight. Seemed to do the trick. Not 100%, but life is compromise.

    43. Maybe it’s just me and Google Chrome, but your site doesn’t have a favicon. And this bothers me!
      Won’t you make a favicon? <3

    44. I’ve seen it done on TV, by a scientist showing how to kill toilet germs – you use some rubbing alcohol and a match. The flames kill the germs, and the fire is not so big as to melt your toilet or blow up your bathroom. Not kidding. 🙂

    45. I was going to suggest the same flame weeder that John T Unger recommended. It seems like a good multi-tasking tool a la the Shark steam cleaner but more badass.

    46. Oh! I have the PERFECT thing for you!!!! I saw it at the gas-for-the-insides-of-barbecue pits store! I haven’t gotten the picture up yet but it’s called a “Propane Torch Kit” and it’s for “non-chemical weed control plus hundreds of other large and small jobs”!!!!!!

      So now the only question left is whether the toilet cleaning counts as a large or small job.
      .-= Jill/Twipply Skwood´s last blog ..I Don’t Really Have a Title. But They’re Wedding Photos. Or Pre-Wedding Photos. Or Engagement Pictures Even. =-.

    47. Domestic flame thrower to clean the toilet with. Hmmm. I guess if it works in the oven, vlcanic level heat, it is logical that it should work in the toilet. What about when I want to clean those stains off the car seat? Lori

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