Hostage letters from the spam folder

Actual comment stuck in my spam filter:

I don't even know what to say here, y'all.

I’m not gonna approve it, but I am giving him points for creativity.

123 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Best.Spam.Ever.

    Miss Grace recently posted Oh hi- Im twelve.

  2. Ugh, I think we have some of the same fans.

    Mommy @ stark. raving. mad. mommy. recently posted Toxic Sock Syndrome.

  3. (Oh and also, more than half my blog ads are for sex toys or penis enlargement, request monies from the Russians)

    Miss Grace recently posted Oh hi- Im twelve.

  4. Genius. I am totally stealing his idea.

    Becky Mochaface recently posted Tuesday Trivia- States.

  5. I think he’s trying to say you need a penis enlargement. Or that if you don’t approve the comment he’ll get a penis enlargement…or won’t get his penis enlargement which he really needs so he can please his wife. And if he can’t please his wife, she’s just gonna cut it off. wow. That’s a lot of pressure.

    SecretKept recently posted Welcome Wednesday.

  6. well, duh, you need to help him, right?

    designHer Momma recently posted 7 hours 5 days a week Year round For the next 13 years.

  7. Geez Jenny. I would think you’d be more sensitive to those with Tourette’s Syndrome. Social Awareness Fail.

    LizzB recently posted Like A Bitch Over Troubled Water.

  8. Man, the Russian Mafia has a great sense of humor if this is what they’re up to these days.

    Sono recently posted Tuesdays Anime Sampler or Thanks For 1-000 Hits!.

  9. OMG! I’ve hit the big time…we have the same spammer! *faint*

    Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me recently posted Chip Off The Old Block.

  10. I don’t know if I’d be begging for help if a pen*s enlargement had me held hostage…can you imagine how hard it must be to type?! *wink*
    ~K

    Kel recently posted Friends re-visited.

  11. 11
    Apryl'sAntics

    Wow. I never knew people were dying for penis enlargement. It’s worse than terrorists being funded by knock-off handbags. How can I be sure my penis enlargement products are conflict-free?

  12. So wait. Is the question wether or not this is legit…or wether or not I can actually get my penis enlarged…? I’m confused.

    Jamie the Very Worst Missionary recently posted Spanish isnt rocket surgery!.

  13. wow! Thats a new one, wonder what they will come up with next?

  14. Better than an ad for a Vagina Enlargement. I’m not really sure what that would look like, but I’ve got a hunch it would look suspiciously like your kid.

    SuzRocks recently posted Wherein I’m an Outlaw again PS I need a good book to read!.

  15. Two thumbs up for creativity

    zoe right recently posted Just this once.

  16. That right there? Proof you’ve hit the big time.

    Wait…that is if you needed more proof…crap…

    Please for the love of all that is holy don’t call me out on this comment.

    Roxane recently posted The Day We Do Not Speak Of – Undead.

  17. I’m not sure but I think he may have mentioned penis enlargement.

    Slow Panic recently posted kind of - as in this post might kind of make sense maybe.

  18. Is it weird that I would LOVE that kind of spam? =P

    Hi, I'm Natalie. recently posted Wills- Living Testaments- and The Rest.

  19. I love this one. I approved it. You know, just in case.

  20. The Russian Mafia takes hostages and gives them penis enlargements?!

    If I’d only known that back in my twenties – I can think of a couple of guys that could have used a kidnapping!

    Faryl recently posted Call for Nominations Now Open for “Women Changing the World” Award!.

  21. I would like to imagine a male having written that. He is sitting in a tepee with a laptop in hand, furiously finding female blogs to post that to, knowing it will go to spam, knowing that he will be killed because he has a plan. He knows something on one of the Russian mafia men and he *knows* that he could easily post that to the Internet before they get to him. However, this tepee he is surrounded in has a fence all around it and the Russian mafia won’t allow him to come out until he gets 1 approved comment. So, you really need to approve it.

    Just kidding.

    Karen-Maeby (@missxkaren) recently posted Rules for bedclothes Pitchmen Season 2 Premiere!.

  22. I can’t believe you’re exploiting my honest attempt at helping Victor. Not cool.

    muskrat recently posted muskrattle and a bonzai run to portland.

  23. My favorite spam of late was “A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your sister.” Of course I twittered it.

    Brooke recently posted Week 52- Mail.

  24. Why don’t I get that kind of spam? Is it only the cool bloggers get that kind of crazy? I do have a Russian blogger who has left three comments, but he only asks if he can tweet about my blog. Of course I can’t understand anything on his blog so the relationship isn’t going anywhere.

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted 25 Things I’ve Never Told You.

  25. Just imagine the terror of being held captive and forced to participate in penis enlargement experiments. By the time someone bails you out you have some twisted, insensate log between your thighs, one testicle is the size of a grapefruit and it occasionally makes a low gurgling sound.

  26. If “the Bloggess” got a penis (enlargement) would that make her “the Blogger”?

  27. Damn – perhaps you could hook him up with my regular spammer: Meet Singles with Christian Values

    Cuz a good Christian would want to save him, yes?

  28. You need to ask the poster if the Russian Mafia will advertise on your blog.

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted WW- A Study in Contrasts.

  29. Are you suuurious??? All I gotta do “penis” to make it to the subject of one of your posts “hostage” is talk about Russia! That’s equally as disturbing as the man who marinated his day on olive oil and spices and put it in tur trunk;ran a red light; got pulled ove and blamed his cat for being wasteful and messy

  30. Lol, subliminal messaging just doesn’t translate to spam does it?

    Neeroc recently posted When I walk my dogs early in the morning….

  31. First you need crowd control, now bodyguards? I’m starting to think that confidence ponytail is more powerful than any wig you’ve every worn! When you finally go sans-prosthetic confidence it will likely be so powerful it’ll be like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters! Can’t wait!

  32. That is the most creative spam I’ve ever seen!

    Nicki recently posted Work .

  33. I TOTALLY GOT THE SAME SPAM. Actually, mine was weeks ago, which is good, because I felt just a teeny tiny bit worried that he might be dead.

    Suzanne recently posted 1 minute 31 seconds of toddler fun.

  34. Don’t worry about this guy.

    I heard he was involved in a three-way spy trade between the Russian Mafia penis enlargement, the United States CHEaP Vi agra! LevitR@ WHOLE$ALE PRICE$$ and some guy from Ms. Claire Page from Nigeria who won the lottery and is now dying and even though she knows our email addresses she hasn’t quite figured out our first name and has to ask for it.

    penis enlargement.

    moooooog35 recently posted The Silent Coffee Table War.

  35. OMG I about spit my wine on my laptop. No shit, but I had the same exact spam! I just deleted it yesterday from my spam comments. Wish I would have screen-shot that!

    @Colorado_Mom recently posted Five Lessons Every Kid Should Learn.

  36. Man, I was going to name MY next kid “nitip”. I thought it was such an original name and no other person would have it but it appears your spammer signed with nitip so now it’s back to the drawing board for me.

    Viagra has a nice ring to it. Vi is a cute nickname! Maybe all is not lost…

    JustLinda recently posted Blogging- You’re Doing it Wrong….

  37. The only part of this that concerns me is the “nitip” at the end. I’m pretty sure that’s some kind of code that must be cracked to help this guy and his huge penis escape from the Russians.

    Bejewell recently posted I’m Pretty Sure a Giant- Genetically-Altered Cockroach is Going to Eat My Face Off at the Gym Today.

  38. Also, I can’t help but picturing the scene from Animal House where they’re in the courtroom and all the coughing and inserting of *blowjob* takes place.

    nitip was totally trying to pull a sneaky Animal House there. Sly dog.

    JustLinda recently posted Blogging- You’re Doing it Wrong….

  39. That is awesome. I wish someone would spam my blog with stuff like that.

    Brandi recently posted Just Beachy by My4Princesses Designs!.

  40. That is like spam with Tourette’s with the “penis enlargement” just randomly thrown in various places. Love it!

    Dani recently posted Crime Watch Wednesday - Where Theres Fire- Theres Toast.

  41. This is a guy who bought that six-hundred-dollar course in copywriting, the one that sells you the spamming software. They tell you about the spam before you buy it. I never did. Anyway, he decided to use it to make people laugh instead. Think WordPress will put out a plug-in for us to send spam like this? People would be subscribing to our spam. Oh, the possibilities.

    Fred Miller recently posted “All the Pseudo-Homos!”.

  42. You should email him back and ask how one could get started in spamming. He makes it look kind of fun. Then, you can email me and tell me how to do it.

    🙂

    Ashley at Bosssanders.com recently posted Chore Charts and Homeschooling.

  43. Dude, you made him your poster child. Nothing left to say. He hit the big one.

    WriteWendy recently posted I want to have his children….

  44. In Soviet Russia, penis enlarge you!

    fuck yeah, motherhood! recently posted The Queerest Of The Queer.

  45. I am … agog.

    Betty Fokker recently posted Pondering Va-jay-jay.

  46. No, I think it’s legit. He checked in on Foursquare and I thought it was weird at first, but you know the penis enlargement industry is historically dangerous. And Russian. Probably.

    Sara Santiago recently posted Sara v30 aka thatsenoughsurgerysara.

  47. I want to start spamming people with ads for PENIS REDUCTION cause that will make them feel kinda good while being annoying at the same time.

  48. Sounds like a hard way to go. But, at least he is going with a smile.

    Ed Adams recently posted Hope Your Apetite Is Big AND Spicy!.

  49. Fucking brilliant spam!

    Kristin recently posted Tomorrow.

  50. I love a self-regulating industry.

    kyknoord recently posted How do I loathe thee Let me count the ways.

  51. That might be the best spam comment I’ve ever seen.

    I recently had one that was clearly written by someone with a thesaurus and too much time on their hands. It ended with the sentence “Please maintain it up!” Which is my new life motto.

  52. I thought you weren’t supposed to see the subliminal messages?

    Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted Writer’s Wednesday 3.

  53. I’ve TOTALLY been getting that message for weeks now… Do you think maybe they’re trying to tell us something??

    PottyMouthMommy recently posted A month in pictures….

  54. I got that exact comment too, and I made a screenshot so I could do this same post but my pregnant brain forgot about it and now if I did it, it would be completely derivative.

    Zoey @ Good Goog recently posted Too Loud- Lily!.

  55. HAHAHA

    The spammers are getting a little desperate. But that was REALLY original 😉

    -Tony

    Tony Hunt recently posted The lack of reason….

  56. I never get cool spam like that!

  57. Oh. My. God.

    Comment number 14 made me spit coffee at my computer screen. SuzRocks or Jenny, one of you owes me a new computer. Or a penis enlargement… I’m not fussy.

    Brea recently posted Im Still Alive.

  58. That’s not spam. everyone knows the Russian mafia needs penis enlargement.

  59. He was just trying to get you to enlarge your penis through subliminal messaging. That’s also why we all like Coca-Cola so much.

    Essie recently posted Instead of having a life- I painstakingly drew this using MS Paint Enjoy.

  60. I feel bad for the guy… but on the other hand, he did send it to a girl. Wouldn’t it have been more prudent to send a cry for help PENIS ENLARGEMENT kidnap letter to a person who actually has… well. a PENIS?
    I’m just saying, if you don’t know you target market, don’t get kidnapped.

    dawn recently posted Resolutions Revisited.

  61. I wish your spammer would start a blog!

    Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted Sandboxes make me cry.

  62. All this tachnology and we can’t have gender specific spam. If I didn’t get penis enlargement and viagra spam my folder would contain about 3 pain relief ads and a gift from farmville.

    cathy recently posted I need to relax and spend more time with my kids- or maybe not.

  63. I think this guy emailed me.

    Don’t worry. I’m in the process of helping him escape. And BONUS: dude’s got money!!! He’s wiring it to my account right now!!

    But don’t tell anyone.

    Miss Britt recently posted Step 2- Deciding Where To Go – Part A.

  64. But wait…that’s not real? Note to self…stop writing back to “people” needing help in the spam folder.

    LookieLou, @TPPCtv, Web TV for Pet Lovers recently posted TPPCtv Pet Lovers Community Cute Pet Picture of the Day-Tired Xiao Xiao.

  65. I agree with Apryl’sAntics. We need an awareness campaign. NO CONFLICT PENIS ENLARGEMENTS! Somebody needs to start an earnest yet completely ineffective Facebook group.

    schoolofmom recently posted to sleep.

  66. I got this same spam. I hope because of my deletion, they are actually still alive and well:/

    Candyland recently posted Im not that kind of girl Well okay- today I am.

  67. That’s awesome. I think this mostly because if I was ever taken and held hostage I would TOTALLY want it to be by the Russian Mafia’s Penis Enlargements; just so I could send this email to all of my friend (because you know they totally still let you email when captured by the Russian Mafia; those folks at the Penis Enlargement branch aren’t, like, total pricks or anything like the REGULAR mafia folks who are all “No phone! No, not even Blackberry!”). Seeing this email gives me hope that the RMPE (Or “Rampy” as I’m going to now affectionately refer to it…them?) really does exist outside of my dreams and maybe, one day, I too could be digitally crying for help from the confines of my internet-hotspot spam distribution center PENIS ENLARGEMENT!

    April D recently posted Thursday Cooking Adventure- Potato Leek Soup.

  68. Well, fuck, send him my way. I get the feeling that he and I could be of some type of mutual benefit to each other.

    Avitable recently posted Be a Ground Hero Not a Ground Zero.

  69. Your trash folder currently has zero messages? I’m calling BS on that.

  70. I just hope you can live with his blood on your hands, because they are obviously going to kill him now. Way to go, Bloggess.

  71. Geeeesh. What a crybabyass

    singlemama_cc recently posted Things that make you go “hmmmmm”.

  72. Will they kill him via penis enlargement? I’m confused as to the syntax here but that’s what it seems to be saying. “OH NO, my penis is TOO LARGE, it’s killing me with its monstrous size!!!! My liver is shutting down! All my blood is flowing to my massive penis, if only I had a tiny penis, I could live a long healthy life! NOoooo.”

  73. Awesome penis enlargement spam comment penis enlargement.

    Mary @ Holy Mackerel recently posted Laundry.

  74. I bet you $20 this is somehow wraped up in the plot of the next Bond film.

  75. I spelled wrapped wrong. Shit.

    Julie recently posted Im back!.

  76. I feel as though I have to help him. It sounds like the size of his severely lacking penis is at stake!

    bschooled recently posted If you have kids then someday you’re going to thank me for this.

  77. Thank you… you can’t say I didn’t try.

    NOW, what the hell am I going to do with this GIANT THING??

    Like it wasn’t big enough already… Those damn Russians… Everything has got to be SO GOD DAMN BIG… Oh sure, it’s aallll fun and games until I’M ABLE TO DE-RAIL TRAINS WITH MY PENIS!!!!

    where’s the love?

    Hercules Charnas recently posted The New York Times Called Me “Saucy”… Twice.

  78. It’s not fair! Popular bloggers get the very best of everything! Swag, readers, awards, ad rates and even spam. *SadTrombone* ;-D

  79. I don’t know how you could *not* approve that. It sounds like he’s in a lot of trouble right now! I mean, the Russian mafia threatening him with penis enlargment if he doesn’t post spam comments on blogs? That’s just plain diabolical.

    I’m totally taking their idea. Only I’ll threaten with kittens and cupcakes and other things that most people would be happy with. Awesome.

    Kendahl recently posted Im Not Perfect- But Who Are We Kidding- Neither Are You.

  80. I think that with a dick that big he’ll need some Extenze. Perhaps we should start a fund for the poor man, since he’ll need need to buy in bulk.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted For everyone who wants to know- Gizmo is still hospitalized.

  81. For some reason I think I need a penis enlargement…and I don’t even have a penis. Weird.

    Jenn recently posted The Troll Mocks Me.

  82. The spam was funny… but the comment that followed made me laugh a little bit of biscut out my nose.

  83. Sounds kind of like a home improvement video blog from dooce . Maybe she’s a penis enlargement spammer too..

    Hey you guys, It’s me, dooce. I’m buying some flatulence deodorizer pads today, because under my new contract with $$ Verizon $$ if I should accidently break wind and it sounds anything, even remotely close to the name $$ Verizon $$ I get paid on that shit. So I was up wee wee hours of the night doing my kegel exercises for $$ Verizon $$ hoping to improve on my high-pitched “VRRRRT” kind of farts. Because I figured, if I can tighten all my sphincter muscles, fuck I could make like 10,000 dollars off of one cheesy video and a frozen burrito.

  84. Well I suppose there’s only one thing you can say…Penis Enlargement. (I mean, obviously)

    sadira recently posted Mostly Wordless Wednesday.

  85. I’m picturing him being beaten with enormous members. For the love of all that is holy, save this man.

    Wombat Central recently posted Get to Know Your Blog Buddies.

  86. So funny! I have gotten some bizarre spam lately as well— it is pretty comical the things people come up with. Definitely high marks for your guy on creativity! Well done!

    C.Mom recently posted Did I….

  87. I can’t even believe you are not approving his comment.

    Now? He is going to die.

    With a small penis.

    Have you no mercy?

    A Vapid Blonde recently posted Okay- You Win Local Grocer I Give Up.

  88. Dawn – it makes sense to send this to gals because they know if their guy needs a penis enlargement. I thought mine was fine until my wife told me it should be like that guy in those porn flicks. So sure, I get the penis enlargement from the Russian Mafia and then she told me she was only joking. Yeah funny. So if you get any penis shrinkage emails from the Russian mafia, let me know, OK?

    Tom recently posted Judge Crater- Call Your Office.

  89. So is that all it takes to get featured on your famous blog?! Dang, I’m sending one about viagra mixed with debt consolidation. That guy did take the best spam word though.

    Haha, gotta love going through the moderations.

    Single Dad Laughing recently posted The ten rules of the Divorce Club.

  90. I got the same spam on my blog. Poor guy.

    Erica recently posted Smart Shopping for Kids.

  91. It’s like Tourette syndrome but you can only yell Penis Enlargement.

    “Hi, where do you keep the canned peaches PENIS ENLARGEMENT!”

    Chris Illuminati recently posted Photo.

  92. Love it! Creative, funny SPAM, spam, spam, spam, SPAM, spam, spam, spam… Think Monty Python is behind this… …??

  93. Damn, I don’t get shit like that! Mine’s all in Chinese or Japanese character stuff. And NEVER makes me laugh! I want to click on his link just for being original!

    tracey recently posted A post with many references to losing menstrual blood and psychotic ramblings due to loss of said menstrual blood Did I say MENSTRUAL BLOOD- yet!.

  94. Heh. “Click his link.” Heh.

  95. 10 points!!!

    (penis enlargement)

  96. Um, can you forward that comment to me? Because I would totally like to post it on my blog. Thanks!

    Jennifer recently posted The hitchhikers guide to protecting yourself from poisonous vipers who want to mind fuck you.

  97. Blimey. The poor chap. It sounds like he is having a bit of a time with it; I don’t know anyone else who has been threatened with death for not leaving comments on blogs. Actually…… thinking about it, I might try that. Still not sure how to weave the seemingly essential ‘penis enlargement’ link in though. I’ll give it a bit more thought.

    Annie (Lady M) x recently posted Oh no- not again.

  98. I think they must be trying to tell you something…

    An Elegant Kerfuffle recently posted Check this out.

  99. haha…it sounds like a horrible case of Tourette Syndrome PENIS ENLARGEMENT. blah blah blah PENIS ENLARGEMENT.

  100. If only I got spam as interesting!

  101. Silly man, he’s never going to get through your spam filter with that huge penis. Think about baseball, honey, or cauliflower. Whatever you do, though, don’t read yesterday and today’s posts. Your wee-wee will only get bigger. On second thought, dial in and show the mafia. They’ll be so busy with their own joysticks, they’ll never see you escape. Good luck.

    Elizabeth
    http://www.afacebookstory-oneclickaway.blogspot.com

    Elizabeth Barrett recently posted The Mrs Robinson Club.

  102. You’d think if he had access to a computer he would just email someone for help. Apparently all the blood has left his brain and entered his enlarged penis.

    Allison recently posted My youthful indiscretions…even though I’m way older to know better than to post about things that could get me into trouble in the future.

  103. Okay so it’s NOT just me! Spammers are like going to college and getting creative writing degrees these days!

    Hilly recently posted What Women Want….

  104. *runs off to check spam folder* Oh I’d approve it alright…..I’d just break the links, lol.

    Dangerous Lilly recently posted Wanton Wednesday- I R SMRT NAO!.

  105. Those Russian Sopranos don’t play!

    Holly B recently posted I CANT HEAR YOU - HUH.

  106. I read the comments section strictly for the titles of other people’s blogs.

    Someday, I will have the courage to post a link to my unread blog.

    Or not.

    You guys rock.

  107. Oh, man. Some Spam just needs to be shared. That is fantastic.

    Desi recently posted Offspring.

  108. Well great…now he’s gonna die…great, just great. In two weeks when you wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, this will be the reason…and I’m not talking about just plain old penis enlargement here either…

    pamtastic recently posted This one time I was sleeping and I was mauled by the cat next door!.

  109. Dear The Bloggess:

    No scam. Cement shoes wear Nitip at the bottom of the Volga and his children go hungry while all men who read your blog have tiny penises. You are ruthless, cold woman. We have may have opportunity in our organization for such as you.

    Sincerely,
    The Russian Mafia

    Jen recently posted The Angry Vegetables.

  110. Damn, you even get cool spam.

    Kernut the Blond recently posted A Mega Yacht in Larry’s Backyard.

  111. Kind of reminds me of the joke I typically say whenever I open up a fortune cookie “Help… I’m a prisoner inside a fortune cookie factory”

    Christopher (AKA: CaJoh) recently posted Eat- Pray- Love.

  112. TOO Funny! You do even get cool/funny spam. The only comments I’ve been getting on my blog are from the Chinese and I swear they are either using my blog as a channel because their blogs are being closed down in communist China or they are spamming me and using secret code language. I still can’t figure out which one it is. I’ve even written about it and I was afraid I pissed them off but then they came back full force and told their friends about me and now I have even more Chinese posts. The End.

    Shoegirl recently posted Hey! I Think Im a Latina Blogger!.

  113. I’ve had the same spam comment, some people must click on the link, otherwise why bother sending this stuff.

  114. BIzarre spam, but amusing. What makes people click on these links is beyond me.

    BritishSaffy recently posted Addictions.

  115. My husband once got a fortune that said “Help, I’m being held hostage in a Chinese fortune cookie-making factory.”

    Kat recently posted At a Loss.

  116. For some reason I am hearing this song in my head as I wipe away the tears from LMAO: “Anything your spam can do, mine can do better.”

    Sing it, m’lady.

    subWOW recently posted Wordless Wednesday Ok Just One Word- Hot.

  117. The ironic question is if you don’t publish the comment if the penis enlargement mafia would return and demand something else.

    Ari Herzog recently posted Be Impressed by Brobdingnagians and Not Gyps.

  118. So sorry for your loss. I understand the pain. Our Zoe (a french bulldog) seemed fineTuesday morning (Aug 17th). My kids played with her, we left her outside for about 4 hours, and came home to find her dead. We couldn’t find any reason. Losing a pet is always difficult but when it’s unexpected like that, it really shocks your world. Hoping you are filled with good memories of your sweet dog.

  119. I got this exact comment a few weeks ago! I almost published it, just because hey… points for originality. I wish I had thought to screencap it instead!

  120. So very sorry for your loss. It sucks to lose a family member, grief is the price we pay for love. Hugs to you, Hailey and Victor on your loss.

  121. The Russian Mafia does penis enlargement now!
    On the other side, I got 1million$ from my brother in Nigeria. Please reply so we can send the money out and give you a share of the cut 😉

    Icechen1 recently posted Disposable E-mail services.

  122. I’m jealous! Why don’t I ever get great spam like that!

  123. At least he found a nice way to spam, because most not funny

    Internetador recently posted Como trocar a cor de um site em 1 segundo.

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