Hostage letters from the spam folder

in Random Crap

Actual comment stuck in my spam filter:

I don't even know what to say here, y'all.

I’m not gonna approve it, but I am giving him points for creativity.

123 thoughts on “Hostage letters from the spam folder”

Read comments below or add one.

  5. I think he’s trying to say you need a penis enlargement. Or that if you don’t approve the comment he’ll get a penis enlargement…or won’t get his penis enlargement which he really needs so he can please his wife. And if he can’t please his wife, she’s just gonna cut it off. wow. That’s a lot of pressure.

  7. Geez Jenny. I would think you’d be more sensitive to those with Tourette’s Syndrome. Social Awareness Fail.

  10. I don’t know if I’d be begging for help if a pen*s enlargement had me held hostage…can you imagine how hard it must be to type?! *wink*
    ~K

  11. Wow. I never knew people were dying for penis enlargement. It’s worse than terrorists being funded by knock-off handbags. How can I be sure my penis enlargement products are conflict-free?

  14. Better than an ad for a Vagina Enlargement. I’m not really sure what that would look like, but I’ve got a hunch it would look suspiciously like your kid.

  16. That right there? Proof you’ve hit the big time.

    Wait…that is if you needed more proof…crap…

    Please for the love of all that is holy don’t call me out on this comment.

  20. The Russian Mafia takes hostages and gives them penis enlargements?!

    If I’d only known that back in my twenties – I can think of a couple of guys that could have used a kidnapping!

  21. I would like to imagine a male having written that. He is sitting in a tepee with a laptop in hand, furiously finding female blogs to post that to, knowing it will go to spam, knowing that he will be killed because he has a plan. He knows something on one of the Russian mafia men and he *knows* that he could easily post that to the Internet before they get to him. However, this tepee he is surrounded in has a fence all around it and the Russian mafia won’t allow him to come out until he gets 1 approved comment. So, you really need to approve it.

    Just kidding.

  23. My favorite spam of late was “A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your sister.” Of course I twittered it.

  24. Why don’t I get that kind of spam? Is it only the cool bloggers get that kind of crazy? I do have a Russian blogger who has left three comments, but he only asks if he can tweet about my blog. Of course I can’t understand anything on his blog so the relationship isn’t going anywhere.

  25. Just imagine the terror of being held captive and forced to participate in penis enlargement experiments. By the time someone bails you out you have some twisted, insensate log between your thighs, one testicle is the size of a grapefruit and it occasionally makes a low gurgling sound.

  26. If “the Bloggess” got a penis (enlargement) would that make her “the Blogger”?

  27. Damn – perhaps you could hook him up with my regular spammer: Meet Singles with Christian Values

    Cuz a good Christian would want to save him, yes?

  29. Are you suuurious??? All I gotta do “penis” to make it to the subject of one of your posts “hostage” is talk about Russia! That’s equally as disturbing as the man who marinated his day on olive oil and spices and put it in tur trunk;ran a red light; got pulled ove and blamed his cat for being wasteful and messy

  31. First you need crowd control, now bodyguards? I’m starting to think that confidence ponytail is more powerful than any wig you’ve every worn! When you finally go sans-prosthetic confidence it will likely be so powerful it’ll be like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters! Can’t wait!

  33. I TOTALLY GOT THE SAME SPAM. Actually, mine was weeks ago, which is good, because I felt just a teeny tiny bit worried that he might be dead.

  34. Don’t worry about this guy.

    I heard he was involved in a three-way spy trade between the Russian Mafia penis enlargement, the United States CHEaP Vi agra! LevitR@ WHOLE$ALE PRICE$$ and some guy from Ms. Claire Page from Nigeria who won the lottery and is now dying and even though she knows our email addresses she hasn’t quite figured out our first name and has to ask for it.

    penis enlargement.

  35. OMG I about spit my wine on my laptop. No shit, but I had the same exact spam! I just deleted it yesterday from my spam comments. Wish I would have screen-shot that!

  36. Man, I was going to name MY next kid “nitip”. I thought it was such an original name and no other person would have it but it appears your spammer signed with nitip so now it’s back to the drawing board for me.

    Viagra has a nice ring to it. Vi is a cute nickname! Maybe all is not lost…

  37. The only part of this that concerns me is the “nitip” at the end. I’m pretty sure that’s some kind of code that must be cracked to help this guy and his huge penis escape from the Russians.

  38. Also, I can’t help but picturing the scene from Animal House where they’re in the courtroom and all the coughing and inserting of *blowjob* takes place.

    nitip was totally trying to pull a sneaky Animal House there. Sly dog.

  40. That is like spam with Tourette’s with the “penis enlargement” just randomly thrown in various places. Love it!

  41. This is a guy who bought that six-hundred-dollar course in copywriting, the one that sells you the spamming software. They tell you about the spam before you buy it. I never did. Anyway, he decided to use it to make people laugh instead. Think WordPress will put out a plug-in for us to send spam like this? People would be subscribing to our spam. Oh, the possibilities.

  46. No, I think it’s legit. He checked in on Foursquare and I thought it was weird at first, but you know the penis enlargement industry is historically dangerous. And Russian. Probably.

  51. That might be the best spam comment I’ve ever seen.

    I recently had one that was clearly written by someone with a thesaurus and too much time on their hands. It ended with the sentence “Please maintain it up!” Which is my new life motto.

  54. I got that exact comment too, and I made a screenshot so I could do this same post but my pregnant brain forgot about it and now if I did it, it would be completely derivative.

  57. Oh. My. God.

    Comment number 14 made me spit coffee at my computer screen. SuzRocks or Jenny, one of you owes me a new computer. Or a penis enlargement… I’m not fussy.

  58. That’s not spam. everyone knows the Russian mafia needs penis enlargement.

  59. He was just trying to get you to enlarge your penis through subliminal messaging. That’s also why we all like Coca-Cola so much.

  60. I feel bad for the guy… but on the other hand, he did send it to a girl. Wouldn’t it have been more prudent to send a cry for help PENIS ENLARGEMENT kidnap letter to a person who actually has… well. a PENIS?
    I’m just saying, if you don’t know you target market, don’t get kidnapped.

  62. All this tachnology and we can’t have gender specific spam. If I didn’t get penis enlargement and viagra spam my folder would contain about 3 pain relief ads and a gift from farmville.

  63. I think this guy emailed me.

    Don’t worry. I’m in the process of helping him escape. And BONUS: dude’s got money!!! He’s wiring it to my account right now!!

    But don’t tell anyone.

  65. I agree with Apryl’sAntics. We need an awareness campaign. NO CONFLICT PENIS ENLARGEMENTS! Somebody needs to start an earnest yet completely ineffective Facebook group.

  67. That’s awesome. I think this mostly because if I was ever taken and held hostage I would TOTALLY want it to be by the Russian Mafia’s Penis Enlargements; just so I could send this email to all of my friend (because you know they totally still let you email when captured by the Russian Mafia; those folks at the Penis Enlargement branch aren’t, like, total pricks or anything like the REGULAR mafia folks who are all “No phone! No, not even Blackberry!”). Seeing this email gives me hope that the RMPE (Or “Rampy” as I’m going to now affectionately refer to it…them?) really does exist outside of my dreams and maybe, one day, I too could be digitally crying for help from the confines of my internet-hotspot spam distribution center PENIS ENLARGEMENT!

  68. Well, fuck, send him my way. I get the feeling that he and I could be of some type of mutual benefit to each other.

  72. Will they kill him via penis enlargement? I’m confused as to the syntax here but that’s what it seems to be saying. “OH NO, my penis is TOO LARGE, it’s killing me with its monstrous size!!!! My liver is shutting down! All my blood is flowing to my massive penis, if only I had a tiny penis, I could live a long healthy life! NOoooo.”

  77. Thank you… you can’t say I didn’t try.

    NOW, what the hell am I going to do with this GIANT THING??

    Like it wasn’t big enough already… Those damn Russians… Everything has got to be SO GOD DAMN BIG… Oh sure, it’s aallll fun and games until I’M ABLE TO DE-RAIL TRAINS WITH MY PENIS!!!!

    where’s the love?

  78. It’s not fair! Popular bloggers get the very best of everything! Swag, readers, awards, ad rates and even spam. *SadTrombone* ;-D

  79. I don’t know how you could *not* approve that. It sounds like he’s in a lot of trouble right now! I mean, the Russian mafia threatening him with penis enlargment if he doesn’t post spam comments on blogs? That’s just plain diabolical.

    I’m totally taking their idea. Only I’ll threaten with kittens and cupcakes and other things that most people would be happy with. Awesome.

  80. I think that with a dick that big he’ll need some Extenze. Perhaps we should start a fund for the poor man, since he’ll need need to buy in bulk.

  82. The spam was funny… but the comment that followed made me laugh a little bit of biscut out my nose.

  83. Sounds kind of like a home improvement video blog from dooce . Maybe she’s a penis enlargement spammer too..

    Hey you guys, It’s me, dooce. I’m buying some flatulence deodorizer pads today, because under my new contract with $$ Verizon $$ if I should accidently break wind and it sounds anything, even remotely close to the name $$ Verizon $$ I get paid on that shit. So I was up wee wee hours of the night doing my kegel exercises for $$ Verizon $$ hoping to improve on my high-pitched “VRRRRT” kind of farts. Because I figured, if I can tighten all my sphincter muscles, fuck I could make like 10,000 dollars off of one cheesy video and a frozen burrito.

  86. So funny! I have gotten some bizarre spam lately as well— it is pretty comical the things people come up with. Definitely high marks for your guy on creativity! Well done!

  88. Dawn – it makes sense to send this to gals because they know if their guy needs a penis enlargement. I thought mine was fine until my wife told me it should be like that guy in those porn flicks. So sure, I get the penis enlargement from the Russian Mafia and then she told me she was only joking. Yeah funny. So if you get any penis shrinkage emails from the Russian mafia, let me know, OK?

  89. So is that all it takes to get featured on your famous blog?! Dang, I’m sending one about viagra mixed with debt consolidation. That guy did take the best spam word though.

    Haha, gotta love going through the moderations.

  93. Damn, I don’t get shit like that! Mine’s all in Chinese or Japanese character stuff. And NEVER makes me laugh! I want to click on his link just for being original!

  97. Blimey. The poor chap. It sounds like he is having a bit of a time with it; I don’t know anyone else who has been threatened with death for not leaving comments on blogs. Actually…… thinking about it, I might try that. Still not sure how to weave the seemingly essential ‘penis enlargement’ link in though. I’ll give it a bit more thought.

  101. Silly man, he’s never going to get through your spam filter with that huge penis. Think about baseball, honey, or cauliflower. Whatever you do, though, don’t read yesterday and today’s posts. Your wee-wee will only get bigger. On second thought, dial in and show the mafia. They’ll be so busy with their own joysticks, they’ll never see you escape. Good luck.

    Elizabeth
    http://www.afacebookstory-oneclickaway.blogspot.com

  102. You’d think if he had access to a computer he would just email someone for help. Apparently all the blood has left his brain and entered his enlarged penis.

  103. Okay so it’s NOT just me! Spammers are like going to college and getting creative writing degrees these days!

  106. I read the comments section strictly for the titles of other people’s blogs.

    Someday, I will have the courage to post a link to my unread blog.

    Or not.

    You guys rock.

  108. Well great…now he’s gonna die…great, just great. In two weeks when you wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, this will be the reason…and I’m not talking about just plain old penis enlargement here either…

  109. Dear The Bloggess:

    No scam. Cement shoes wear Nitip at the bottom of the Volga and his children go hungry while all men who read your blog have tiny penises. You are ruthless, cold woman. We have may have opportunity in our organization for such as you.

    Sincerely,
    The Russian Mafia

  112. TOO Funny! You do even get cool/funny spam. The only comments I’ve been getting on my blog are from the Chinese and I swear they are either using my blog as a channel because their blogs are being closed down in communist China or they are spamming me and using secret code language. I still can’t figure out which one it is. I’ve even written about it and I was afraid I pissed them off but then they came back full force and told their friends about me and now I have even more Chinese posts. The End.

  113. I’ve had the same spam comment, some people must click on the link, otherwise why bother sending this stuff.

  115. My husband once got a fortune that said “Help, I’m being held hostage in a Chinese fortune cookie-making factory.”

  116. For some reason I am hearing this song in my head as I wipe away the tears from LMAO: “Anything your spam can do, mine can do better.”

    Sing it, m’lady.

  117. The ironic question is if you don’t publish the comment if the penis enlargement mafia would return and demand something else.

  118. So sorry for your loss. I understand the pain. Our Zoe (a french bulldog) seemed fineTuesday morning (Aug 17th). My kids played with her, we left her outside for about 4 hours, and came home to find her dead. We couldn’t find any reason. Losing a pet is always difficult but when it’s unexpected like that, it really shocks your world. Hoping you are filled with good memories of your sweet dog.

  119. I got this exact comment a few weeks ago! I almost published it, just because hey… points for originality. I wish I had thought to screencap it instead!

  120. So very sorry for your loss. It sucks to lose a family member, grief is the price we pay for love. Hugs to you, Hailey and Victor on your loss.

  121. The Russian Mafia does penis enlargement now!
    On the other side, I got 1million$ from my brother in Nigeria. Please reply so we can send the money out and give you a share of the cut 😉

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