I stole most of these pictures

And finally…part 4 of my Blogher experience (as lifted directly from my journal).  Parts 1, 2 and 3 are here.  I swear I’m almost finished, y’all.

Walked to a public party at the Volstead.  Hid in the bathroom, as usual.  Was invaded by a group of women putting on impromptu KISS make-up.  The usual.  I left with them because you know that pretty much everything that happens at a party after people randomly put on KISS makeup is going to be anticlimactic.

I'm with the band. Sort of.

Then I walked to another public party for SexIs where women were encouraged to decorate dildos.  Then I looked out the window and wondered to myself what must be going on at the exclusive private parties and I hoped for the sake of the attendees that it was the exact same thing as the public parties but with more swag.


My inner thighs are chaffed from walking so much.  And from being fat.


Went to the panel I was speaking at 10 minutes before it started and there were like 6 people there.  Tweeted “My session starts in 10 minutes and it’s fucking PACKED” along with a picture of the audience:

Also, the chick at the back was just there to check the microphones.

A number of people complimented me on a full house of bloggers who must also be ninjas but most of them just tweeted back stuff like “Of course it’s packed! You’re a rock star!” because I guess those people don’t know how to open my pictures.  15 minutes later though it was fairly full and I think it went really well but all I can really remember from the session is someone in the audience not being able to remember the name of an esoteric gay p0rn star that she didn’t want to name her son after and another woman in the audience helpfully yelling it out to her.  I’ve found my tribe, y’all.


(Photo by Justin Hackworth)

Just intentionally crossed a do-not-cross police line on purpose, so I can totally cross that off my life list now.  Except that that wasn’t actually on my life list.  But it is now because it makes me feel like I accomplished something if I can check something off of a list.  Except that I haven’t actually written my life list yet so now I technically feel worse about myself than before.  I should start a life-list in reverse order and just write down shit I already did so that I’m always done with it.  Like “Button a shirt: Check“.  “Don’t murder kittens: Check“.  “Get gingivitis: Check.”  Oh my God, I am awesome at this.


In airport security heading home.  Apparently this is a problem:



Handed the chick in the airport bookstore a copy of the Twilight Bree Tanner book and a copy of True Blood and asked her which one was less awful.  She was all “Well, they’re both pretty bad”.  I went with True Blood because the cover had more stuff on it.  Then I clarified to the clerk that I own many, many non-stupid books.  She totally didn’t believe me.  (Note to self:  When my memoirs come out, put lots of stuff on the cover.  Stuff like naked vampires.  Also, meet some naked vampires so I can put them in my memoirs.)


I was mentioned in the London Times but my name was misspelled so I’m not sure if that counts as being mentioned as all.  Victor says he understands because the same thing happens to him everyday when the newspapers write about him but use the wrong name and write about shit that never actually happened to him.  Victor is very good at keeping me grounded.  And by “grounded” I mean “stabby”.


The end.


I’ll stop now.

117 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I still miss my snowglobe. It had a decorated dildo in it and everything.

    Those confiscating bastards!!

    I came so close to fame – had you just panned to the left (no, further – your OTHER left!) for that audience shot, I might have been in the photo. I probably would have been surrupticiously (yeah, misspelled…. the red squiggly line can suck it!) picking my nose so it’s probably for the best that you didn’t pan.

    JustLinda recently posted Blogging- You’re Doing it Wrong….

  2. That is an absolutely gorgeous photo of you crossing the police line. If i were you I’d hire this Justin Hackworth fellow to follow you around & take paparazzi shots of you all the time.

    Kalisa recently posted IQ Smackdown- Boy vs Dog.

  3. I’ve been trying to think of something witty but, honestly, I can’t get past the snow globe thing. I should be saying something like, “Rock on Bloggess, you really crossed the line this time!” re. the police line photo, or something about kiss-asses with the first photo but, no. Stuck on the snow globes. Sorry.

  4. Decorating Dildos !! That would have been the bomb!! Also, very nice picture of you at the no crossing line.

    Holly B recently posted The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.

  5. Oh yeah, naked vampires just scream, “I don’t suck.” Except, they kinda do suck… blood. Oh come on, you opened the door for that.

    wende recently posted 58-94- Chop Chop.

  6. What the HECK? No more snow globes when I’m jet-setting across the country? How am I supposed to start conversations with people now? Just ask them if they’ve killed any zombies lately and then make up some “on the spot, totally didn’t happen, but I can lie so good they’ll think it’s true” story about zombie bashing during 100+ degree Houston temps?

    Yeah — it’s much easier to make friends with snow globes.

    This sucks.

    (p.s. GORGEOUS pic of you crossing off the thing you didn’t actually have on your non-existent life list)

    Rachel -- Following In My Shoes recently posted Roasted Tomato and Artichoke Pasta.

  7. Aargghhh. I feel for the mis spelled name…I’ve suffered through entire idiotic quotes being attributed to me which made me seem like I was smoking something illegal when I was being interviewed….

  8. Airports in the UK have signs that say that catapults are forbidden.

    I really don’t get that. I mean, is there are a large population trying to smuggle catapults onto planes? And what about trebuchets? The sign didn’t say anything about them. Was there some sort of discrimination going on that makes trebuchets get special rules?

    Then it turns out that “catapult” is what they call a slingshot, so it’s not anywhere near as interesting as it seems on the surface.

    Like life. Or a box of chocolates. I forget which.

    Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted The Rules – Redux.

  9. I think I’ll suggest we decorate dildos at my friend’s bridal shower. It just SOUNDS awesome.

    Caitlin recently posted YEAH- sorry about that email But seriously hackers you are not picking the right person to hack when it comes to this message.

  10. Oh, sure – the one time I happen to comment early where people are clicking over, I have a pathetic, whiny post up.

    Plan A was to hurry and write something hilarious, but ha. TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

    Plan B was to get a bowl of ice cream. That won.

    So, whiny and pathetic it is then. 🙂

    JustLinda recently posted Blogging- You’re Doing it Wrong….

  11. This is really funny and I like Victor. I liked reading everybody’s tweets that went to BlogHer. Didn’t catch the one you sent with the picture though. Hilarious!

  12. I have so many thoughts.

    1. LOOOVE that picture of you behind the do not cross police line.
    2. I’m guessing people who visit NY buy snow globes?
    3. Club Dead is the third book in the series. If you are going to start in the middle, go book 4. That one is the closest to porn.
    4. I forgot my other thoughts. I blame the dildos.

  13. 13
    Eleanor (undeadgoat)

    Never read Twilight, but have dabbled in True Blood–it is better because the vampires actually have sex. All the time. (It’s a little stupid, though.)

  14. You know what’s awesome for chafed thighs? BodyGlide. BEST PRODUCT EVER. Seriously changed my (summertime, skirt-wearing) life. Before BodyGlide, I wondered if I’d have to starve myself super-thin so that my thighs wouldn’t ever touch again, but no. I just keep my luscious curves and use this stuff instead. (They should totally pay me to walk around saying things like this)

  15. No snow globes?!

    …get a rope!

    Strangely enough, while all the ladies from Texas were in New York…loads of their guys in Texas totally didn’t get together and hang out. 😉 Next time I’ll invite Victor. 😉


    Tony Hunt recently posted Put a Ring On It!.

  16. does everyone comment on your blog only to advertise their own blogs?

    I liked the naked vampires thing….

  17. I so love you!

    I think I especially love your conversations with Victor, because that line there?

    “Victor is very good at keeping me grounded. And by “grounded” I mean “stabby”.”

    THAT is genius and you are one of the very few people that actually make me laugh out loud.

    P.S. True Blood IS better than Twilight. My kid sister forced me to read Twilight, but I stole the Sookie Stackhouse series from my friend. Eventually I even gave it back. : )

    Hatchet recently posted Finger Painting.

  18. Did you know Paul Stanley from KISS has microtia? Now you are all…wth is microtia? Calm down, I was getting to that. It’s the same ear mishap as my son. (Sounds nicer to say “mishap” than what it really is.) So I think that ups my cool content — even without the makeup. Or maybe not at all.

    Nice pics.

    Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me recently posted In Which I Beg People To Spit For A Cause.

  19. People attend Blogher with KISS makeup in their purses, just in case it becomes *that* kind of party? I’m definitely attending next year!

  20. I saw the glitter, eyed and feathered dildos in pictures!

    Who is running a snow globe drug ring that they need to put a sign up??

    Also, in all seriousness, when I’m feeling unaccomplished for the day I make a list of easy shit to do and cross it off and get all ‘LOOK what I DID today! All of this!!’ No no don’t read it!

    Stephanie recently posted Iowa State Fair!.

  21. wassup with the snow globe? i want to know..

    missyeley recently posted Happy Birthday!.

  22. The problem with living in small towns in Oregon is that we don’t have very many police lines to cross. Which is another reason I want to move to New York. So, I promise to meet you in the bathroom next time, and we can talk about real estate.

    juliejulie recently posted It’s Time to Change- I need a new trainer to tease!.

  23. The London Times did not misspell your name, the Brits spell everything weird. Humor is Homour and Color is Colour, they just like to fuck with Americans ever since that Revolution thing. Blogess is totally how they spell Bloggess, don’t let the British fuck with you, declare war their asses have it coming.

  24. Snowglobes are dangerous because sometimes you get trapped in them by insane mad men who want to freeze the whole world to death in memory of their dead ballerina girlfriend, who by the way, is also in a snowglobe.

    I’m glad to see the security forces are finally getting their priorities straight.

    Bridget recently posted Self Help.

  25. I SO wanted to attend your session, but I was – as I’m sure you’ll understand – too overwhelmed to leave my hotel room. Or even my bed for that matter. Until about 1:00pm. It wasn’t a great day, unfortunately, and it was made worse by the fact that my freak-out made me miss your session. 🙁

    Lara recently posted Open Letters to Half the Universe.

  26. I love the way you decorated that one dildo to look like Ron Jeremy. The necklace made him look like a shaman. Very holy.

    Fred Miller recently posted Born Again with Luv.

  27. Huh… And yet somehow I pictured you more appropriately lying on the ground with a chalk outline. Maybe next time…

    (And no, that does not mean I want you dead, just that I thought that would appeal to your warped sense of the macabre… Y’know, pretending to be dead, maybe a little bit stabbed with lots of blood with the chalk line around your mangled body and… Umm… I’m gonna shut up now before they send the swat team. Because *they* know where you live y’all. They are watching me through my web cam right now. And yes it is a mumu, at least I’m not naked. You’re welcome internets.)

    Brea recently posted Yes I was dead But I got better Thanks for asking.

  28. Yup. Them pesky snowglobes are a BIG security risk.

    Why, just today, someone tried to bring one into Seattle and they had to dispatch two F-15 fighters from Oregon at supersonic speed to handle the problem. Or maybe it had something to do w/ POTUS being in town? I dunno. But I’m thinking it was Auntie Viola trying to get past the TSA w/ a Mt. Rainer snowglobe dude. Just sayin’.

    Cheryl recently posted Blogging Blues.

  29. That is a gorgeous picture! I mean of the guy behind the NO SnowGlobe sign. LOL

    Speaking of snow globes. yup. They do confiscate them at airport security check. I wish they would put up a sign at ALL souvenir shops all over the cities so you know BEFORE you buy them! I once had to throw mine away at LAS. Of course, they sell them for a lot more at the airport shops AFTER security. Huh.

    subWOW recently posted Sundays in My City – A Night at the Opera.

  30. I can’t get past the image that the phrase “decorating dildos” has put in my mind.
    All that glitter and glue can’t make for a comfortable experience. Although, I’m sure the glitter would wear off and TA-DA! You’d be all vampire-lady-parts!
    There’s something for your life list: “Make lady parts glitter like a lame vampire”
    Possibly not going to get a lot of action once it gets around that you have vampire-lady-parts however.

    Sally Megan recently posted aloggla- wishes The Eels were playing in bAdelaide.

  31. Don’t you guys even remember the Snow Globe Bomber that almost caused a plane to go down on Boxing Day? Airport security is no laughing matter.

    beta dad recently posted RTT- FIRST WORD-ON VIDEO didnt bury the lede that time- Kafkaesque bureaucracy-butting- Asian market fun.

  32. Is it weird that when I read the excerpt of the London Times article in my head, I did it in an english accent? I don’t think it is but then again, I’m weird. Those english people have a weird way of talking..I can never understand a word they say but they sound sexy as hell so I just go with it. Especially Rob Pattinson. I don’t understand half of what he says but really, who cares if he’s talking or not!

  33. I too am still stuck on the snow cones globes.

    And I agree, that is a lovely “Do Not Cross…” photo of you. In fact, it may have been worth going all the way from Howston to Chicago for!

    The Pliers recently posted The Power Of Negative Thinking.

  34. Two things: Monistat Chafing Gel – which doubles as a really awesome makeup primer.

    And? I want to know who had the KISS makeup in their purse. Because let’s be honest, thy are probably a serial killer.

    Miss Britt recently posted The Very First Day Of The Very First Year.

  35. Can you imagine being the Airport Secuirty sign artist and your boss comes up to you and say we need a No Snow Globe sign? And then you draw one with a Christmas tree in it? I mean you can put anything in snow globe, anything, Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building, Pyramids (although it does not snow in Egypt) but you go with Christmass Tree. Working for the man must really crush an artists soul.

  36. Hokay.

    Decorating dildos is so NOT weird. Juan Carlos (WHAT? I coloured a little conquistador outfit on him, obviously. Pft.) is the ONLY man who consistently…err…produces results? Ahem. I think it totally befitting to give him his own personality, and the glitter only adds to the sensation. And freaks out my gyno. Priceless.

    The Barreness recently posted If your penis really wants a turtleneck- ask your Mum to knit you one A rant from the Barreness.

  37. Snow Globes should NOT ONLY be disallowed through security but disallowed in life in general.

    We know it’s NOT ACTUALLY SNOWING IN THERE because the abililty to either miniaturize the St. Louis Arch is still probably a couple of weeks away – although I’m pretty sure the process of condensing and crystalizing precipitation inside a liquid filled sphere in temperatures above the freezing point of water was done in the early stages during the creation of Swanson Hungry Man Dinners.

    You’re not fooling anyone, snow globe.

    Take the train.

    moooooog35 recently posted The Silent Coffee Table War.

  38. Snowglobes? What’s next? Pretty soon we’ll have to fly naked.

    Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted Yesterday- I broke the law.

  39. Could I just point out that snow globes are actually quite dangerous. I locked myself out of my house one night after drinking a lot of wine and I thought it would be a good idea to climb through an open window in order to get in. There were two snow globes (one with Eiffel Tower in and another with Father Christmas) on the window sill, and I had the misfortune to fall on them during my descent. I woke up the next morning covered in glitter and goo which was very unpleasant I can tell you. They should be banned.

    Annie (Lady M) x recently posted First date etiquette.

  40. Yeah, you have to be ultra-careful about those snow-globes. Never know when one of them might, you know, erupt in a flurry of snow.

    The terrorists have won 🙁


    EdT. recently posted WW- A Study in Contrasts.

  41. Oh, one last question: what was that police line about? And, did you get arrested for crossing it?

    OK, that was two questions. I never could count…


    EdT. recently posted Yet another Sign of the Apocalypse‽.

  42. Two regrets I have from BlogHer: I didn’t know about the decorate-a-dildo party until it was too late, cause I would have been all over that. The other involved not grabbing another woman’s ass when I had the chance, but that’s a long story.

  43. Snap! I also managed to avoid murdering a kitten today. Now all I need to do is find a police line to cross and I can be living your life. And the dream.

    kyknoord recently posted How do I loathe thee Let me count the ways.

  44. Can you imagine if you tried to run onto the plane with a snow globe shutting the airport down in a frenzy of security activity?

    Do you think there are a lot of snow globes in the garbage? I’m totally driving to the airport now. Yes kids, everyone is getting a snow globe for Christmas! Woot!

    LookieLou, @TPPCtv, Web TV for Pet Lovers recently posted TPPCtv Pet Lovers Community Cute Pet Picture of the Day-My Friends.

  45. That picture of you behind the police line is AWESOME! You look like you just conquered the world.

    Also, fyi — Magic 8 balls are also not allowed through security, which seems totally wrong to me because TSA could use it to find out if you are a terrorist or not. “Is this lady a terrorist, Magic 8 ball?” “All Signs Point to Yes.” Well, maybe that’s not such a good idea after all.

    Madame Queen recently posted Have You Exercised Your Brain Today.

  46. –>I agree, anything that happens after people show up dressed like KISS is anti-climantic unless they have even higher heels on. Then there may be some busted ass and by that I mean falling down.

    WebSavvyMom recently posted Wordless Wednesday almost - Slow Ride.

  47. I wasn’t aware they still MADE snowglobes…poor poor would be bomber who shows up with his c4 filled globe ready to bomb the place only to find out he just hauled Santa here from gonnablowyupstan and he’s like WTF?!?

    SuzRocks recently posted Spring Break 2010- Anesthesia Version.

  48. Do people still buy souvenir snowglobes? That is so 1990s.

    Brooke recently posted Week 52- Mail.

  49. I love the idea of a reverse bucket list. Good thing you didn’t have down “get arrested at BlogHer.” –Although it’d make a really good blog post and you could have an even cooler party with the new friends you meet…you know, if you like sex, booze, and breaking the law.

  50. Oh and no snow globes on planes? Thanks Bin Laden.

  51. Snow globes? Snow globes are the effing problem at airport security? Holy crap, I feel safer now. Bastards.

    What I want to see is the “impromptu kiss make-up” ladies taking their decorated dildos through security – now that would get some attention!

    Brahm (alfred lives here) recently posted A bloggy birthday- leave a comment- save the world.

  52. And by the way I love snowglobes and have lots of them. It is sick I know. And my husband collects penguins. Fake ones. So yes we have a house full of crap.

    Brahm (alfred lives here) recently posted A bloggy birthday- leave a comment- save the world.

  53. The Snow Globe Terror Alert sign cracks me up. I once stood behind a family — in the Expert Traveler lines with their nine suitcases and belts and jewelry and lace up shoes and likely nine gallons of liquid in their suitcase — who seemed seriously concerned they may have a snow globe in their luggage. As in, they couldn’t remember if they put one in there or not. WHO DOESN’T KNOW IF THEY OWN A SNOW GLOBE AND/OR IF IT IS IN THEIR LUGGAGE?

    Krystyn recently posted These are my people- and I found them on the Internet.

  54. Snowglobes…huh. That’s a shame because I LOVE snowglobes but I wouldn’t want to pack one in my checked luggage because if it breaks? Wow big mess.

    I love that photo of you with the Police Line. I want one like that of me.

    Sarah aka MainlineMom recently posted WFMW - Some Great Money Resources.

  55. That photo of you behind the police line is definitely one to keep as your signature. Excellent shot.

    lisahgolden recently posted Black Magpie Theory- Im Fixin to Fix These Elections.

  56. Bedazzling dildoes are my favorite hobby.

    Essie recently posted Instead of having a life- I painstakingly drew this using MS Paint Enjoy.

  57. There was dildo decorating at BlogHer?! I thought it was all wearing McDonald’s bags on your head and dry humping unicorns?! If I’d known there would be dildo decorating I so would have been there.
    No sparkles please, I’m allergic.

    themombshell recently posted the one where Im melting down and then have some Cheetos and it gets better but then it doesnt.

  58. I am so making a list like that!!

  59. For the record, I have always started all of my lists with shit I’ve already done, just so I can scratch them off and feel super organized and accomplished. It totally works too. Also, if I find an old list that has a bunch of crap on it that I still haven’t done (because, hello CP <– chief procrastinator) then I just throw it away and start a new one with today's date on it. So yeah, contrary to that jerk face teacher I had in grade 6 (Yeah, I'm lookin' at you Mrs. Lyon) I am totally on top of everything and so not a scatterbrained daydreamer. I'm so obviously type A.

    Karen recently posted Say What You Need To Say.

  60. Life lists? I try to make life lists or bucket lists, whatever they’re called… then I get stuck because I can’t figure out what strange things I want to do UNTIL I do them and then it’s all like… I WANT TO DO THAT, I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO SOMETHING THAT COOL, LETS DO IT. Then, I add it to my list and immediately cross it out. Done. Then, I feel sad because I couldn’t think of that cool thing to have on my list before having done it.

    You said the magical word ‘stabby’ – now we all should go party.

    Karen-Maeby (@missxkaren) recently posted You’re a Mean One- Mr Grinch.

  61. I know snowglobes can be damn evil, but really? Are they maybe very POINTY snowglobes, or POISONOUS snowglobes? Probably EXPLODING snowglobes. Yeah, I had one of those.

    Mary @ Holy Mackerel recently posted Laundry.

  62. I have a feeling that may be you secretly decorated a Blogher dildo that my friend and I ended up carrying all around NYC. It was a complete success in the train at 3 a.m. Now that I think about it, it must have been you. And also, I LOVE the photo of you with the KISS impersonators. Totally out of place at Blogher. Awesome.

    @lena_fm recently posted A disappointing encounter with a past NYC lover- “You’ve got sex!”.

  63. Oh I hope you never never stop blogging because your posts are the highlight of my morning (after my coffee of course).

  64. Next year, that sign will read “Please be advised, decorated dildos are not allowed through the security checkpoint”, and all the airport security people will have big freaking smiles on their faces. And it will all be BlogHer’s fault…

    Lisa recently posted Summer Surge.

  65. I’m pretty sure someone got confused about what dildos are for. They are not for decorating. If it is feeling necessary to bejewel something, a stolen cane is good, a stolen purse is better. After all you should always give things back better than you got them.

    Swedishskier recently posted Drivers Ed.

  66. You know you’re messed up when you look at the snowglobe and go “Yeah, I see how that can be used as a weapon – just smash it and weild it as you would a broken bottle”.
    Not that I’ve actually weilded a snow globe. or a bottle.

    I’m getting the feeling no one believes me.

    Beausaphine recently posted I’m REALLY done Like DONE done.

  67. snow globes…shut the hell up! for real. seriously, when did this become a bad thing, especially seeing as how they sell the damn things right there in the airport. hello!!!!

  68. I love the decorated dildos! They are fantastic and I kind of want one.

    I also love the police-line photo. I have a life list written out and I always look at it and say “I should really do that today…” I think you have the better plan.

  69. She only didn’t believe you because in book store you need a special card that proves you read non-stupid books or they try to sell you the Miley Cyrus autobiography. You get a gold star on the card for reading anything my an author with a middle initial but you get one taken away any time you consider reading anything that is named after a loosely defined time of night. It’s not a perfect system but bookstore clerks don’t have time to judge you based on you individually. Also theblogess.com redirects here (I checked) so that still counts as one in the win column.

    P.S. If I had a dollar for every time I’d hijacked a plane with a snowglobe I’d completely cover the cost of the snowglobe I used to hijack that plane. The airport is just looking out for you. Show a little appreciation.

    P.P.S. Is it just me or does taking pictures in an airport seem like one of those things that would have been made illegal. Not for any real reason but I think it’s technically illegal for me to take pictures in my office. You’d think an airport would be right on that shit, but apparently it’s fine.

    P.P.P.S. I’m sorry if anyone from the Airport Regulations Authority (is that a real thing, I put it in Caps just in case) reads this and subsequently makes taking photographs illegal in airports. That would be my bad.

  70. Is that all snow globes or just the ones with more than 100 ml liquid in them?

    I’m flying from Sweden to Scotland next week and so not looking forward to the whole traveling thing. Lucky me I have a handfull of sedatives for that.

  71. I love the snow globe sign…who knew they were so frightfully dangerous…now I do. Looks like your trip was amazing and a total success! Well done you Miss Bloggess!

    Jenn recently posted The Troll Mocks Me.

  72. I love the Police Line photo. I think you should frame it really huge and hang it over your fireplace. If you have a fireplace.

  73. Those bastards took my snow globe AND my smoothing serum… the terrorists owe me $34.50

  74. Hi Jenny. Sorry I didn’t read your post. I’m just trying to get as many people as possible to say a prayer for our little Gizmo. He’s so sweet and so sick.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Please pray for our Gizmo.

  75. Please don’t stop. The only BlogHer recaps I actually like and read are yours! And they make me want to save my money and go to BlogHer11. I can only dream that I would find my niche of crazy women.

    Randa recently posted MMmmm Not Real Mexican Foood….

  76. First they ban nun chucks, then ninja stars. Now snow globes? Man, it’s really no fun to fly anymore.

    Issa recently posted Because it’s my blog and I’ll whine if I want too.

  77. If I cant take my snow globes.. I’m not going. Unless snow globe is secret slang for silicone fun bags, then I’m good.

    Holly B recently posted Hoity Toity Passive-Aggresive Pukes - Suck A Fart.

  78. You should have crossed police lines while holding a snow globe!

    Betty Fokker recently posted Pondering Va-jay-jay.

  79. I was gonna send you an email about this, but then I ended up writing a post about email and its general suckiness instead, so actually I’ll just mention it in a comment for the world to see.

    HAVE YOU SEEN STAR WARS UNCUT???? starwarsuncut.com
    It’s kind of awesome.

    megansquared recently posted This is why I never reply Ever Except for my own amusement.

  80. I think I probably tweeted back that I you’re a rock star. Sometimes opening pictures seems like a lot of work. All that clicking and waiting. Meh. I just pretend I know what is going to be in there and tweet something generic back. I’m awesome.

    It’s a little weird that you are the only one not wearing KISS makeup in the first picture. I mean, normally when I see someone wearing KISS makeup I think, “Huh. Weirdo.” But in this instance, I think I see you and think, “Why isn’t she wearing KISS makeup?” I bet my brain will never have the opportunity to think that again.

    followingtheroad recently posted This is why I shouldn’t drink right before bed time.

  81. That whole non-murdering kittens checkpoint is a toughie, though. I mean, can you really cross it off until you’ve died? Because you’ve got potentially decades (hopefully, eh?) of years where you could commit such an act. And then what would you do? UNcross it from your list? How does one do that? Unless you used a pencil to cross it off. So, I guess if you killed a kitten in 30 years, you could just erase that check mark thingy. Then again, will we even have erasers in 30 years what with the obvious invention of telepathic communication just around the corner?

    Hmmmm. Things to consider, my dear.

    tracey recently posted A post with many references to losing menstrual blood and psychotic ramblings due to loss of said menstrual blood Did I say MENSTRUAL BLOOD- yet!.

  82. I think more people would read if book covers had more stuff on them. And I don’t even mean just pictures. Scratch & Sniff. Secret candy compartments. Glitter. I would totally read those books.

    Suniverse recently posted Moving on with medication.

  83. I really like your backwards bucket list idea. However, what happens if you end up actually doing something you crossed of as not doing? Like, what if you have to save the world by killing kittens? Do you do it? do you save the world even though you sacrifice the integrity of your backwards bucket list?! Personally, I’d say fuck you world. You’re not the boss of me and my backwards bucket list. Then I’d quickly add “Cause the end of humanity” on the list in caps and cross that fucker off!
    Also, snow globes are totally the new terrorist! I have a collection from when I collected things. Those maniacal monsters are totally getting boxed up and put in the attic tonight. Or maybe I should take them to the airport and sneak them in to people’s luggage for some classic entertainment.

    Gamanda recently posted Why do I scrappily attempt to-s blog.

  84. It looks like NYPD is doing an excellent job of holding all your fans (not pictured) behind the police line! I bet you need crowd control everywhere you go. Anyone who can decorate dildos with P(enis)-Dazzlers and confidence wigs is a rock star in my book!

    SisterMerryHellish recently posted Hobos and Hobo-Byproducts.

  85. Confession: That sign was made for me. I once attempted to cross an airport security line with a snow globe. (For serious.) It ended disastrous.

  86. I love it when you post about BlogHer, but…I have to ask, because it’s, er, piqued my curiosity: what makes a porn star esoteric? He can quote obscure passages of Anais Nin?

    Wait, no, gay pr0n. Knows tons about Victorian lacemaking? Obscure Portuguese wines? Or is it sex stuff? Like, he’s versed in buggery as traditionally practiced by the middle-empire Incas, or he knows all about the ancient butt plugs of Canaan?

  87. Secretly the chick that put up the snow globe sign is in a fight with the chick at the snow globe store so she wants to mess with her sales. Snow globe bitch stole sign girl’s boyfriend. It’s an ongoing war.

    Allison recently posted My youthful indiscretions…even though I’m way older to know better than to post about things that could get me into trouble in the future.

  88. didn’t you know that snowglobes are actually bombs? true story.

    andygirl recently posted why I do what I do when I do what I do.

  89. The bookstore lady was right.
    Anne Rice is much better at vampire novels.
    But it’s not your fault, it’s the bookstore lady’s for not stopping you.
    Also, Anne Rice used to swear that Lestat was real so all you have to do is track him down and BOOM, you’ll have something for your memoir!
    Thing about how packed your session will be next year if you do that!

    Melanie Jane recently posted Absinthe- Cheese- and Music Oh My!.

  90. 90
    Alison (w/ one 'L')

    The snowglobe sign is actually my fault…2 years ago my best friend Lisa and I flew to Hollywood to visit our friend and I ended up buying a Hollywood sign snowglobe, when we were packing I ran out of room in my carry-on so I packed it in hers…as we were going through Security, the guard grabbed her bag and pulled her into one of those glass detention cells and she got this look of horror on her face (at this point I should also mention that we both bought posters and for some crazy reason, we decided to wrap the posters in cellophane and even shoved some balls of cellphane inside the poster in an attempt to keep them from being crushed in our carry-on). My friend was convinced that they had taken her aside bc it looked like we were smuggling small bags of drugs inside posters and she was wondering how she was going to explain the truth to the TSA without sounding like she was on drugs…then the TSA guy pulls something out of her bag and I see her pointing at me and the guy turns around with the snowglobe in his hands, looking all serious and I almost pissed my pants laughing…then the laughter turned into anger b/c they were trying to confiscate my snowglobe! I proceeded to yell about the lack of signage saying ‘No Snowglobes’ and that the signs seemed to list everything else in the known world but not snowglobes…so now that I’ve seen this all I can say is ‘Touche TSA, touche’

  91. People are always misspelling my name too, but what can you do?

    Those decorated dildos are awesome. Does the mustache tickle?

    The Blogress recently posted TheBlogress- @PhoenixBlood Kevin Smith looks nothing like me Also- Ive never been laid by him Yet.

  92. I actually like Charlaine Harris’s books. They’re pretty entertaining. WAY better than Twilight. Trust me. I’ve read both. Also, I don’t actually know anyone who collects snow globes, but people do… don’t they? They do, right? Huh. Anyway, I feel bad for them.

    Toni recently posted Why Cant You Use Your Inside Voice.

  93. Just in case you got relieved because you thought I had given up on stalking you… I wanted to let you know that I was definitely planning on stalking you at The Volstead party but my husband was so traumatized from being dragged in to the Ladies bathroom to meet you he wouldn’t leave the hotel room. It wasn’t you – he won’t even come in to the bathroom in our house while I’m in it. He may never recover.

    Seriously – getting to meet you was the highlight of my trip.

    Lisa-Marie Cabrelli recently posted Be Debt Free! Step 1 …and a BIG SECRET.

  94. bathrooms appear to be the new ‘in’ spot for bloggers. I’m pretty sure by BLOGHER11 there’ll be bouncers at the doors, which essentially means I will have to pee in a cup cause I won’t get in.

    painted dildos, nasty snowflakes, chaffed inner thighs oh my! (you are supposed to sing this bit)

    I’ve read so many boring BLOHER10 blogs that I wasn’t expecting much. this was hilarious.

    PS the pic on the picket police line is great

    angelica recently posted parenthood is nothing but a series of days.

  95. SNOW GLOBES? Really? Did you make up that sign? If not, then I really don’t know what the people in charge of national security are thinking when they won’t let you through with a snow globe but they will with a Swiss Army knife (true story – but not as funny as snow globes).
    Snow globes??? I’m speechless. Snow Globes? **speechless** (for real this time).

    Susan recently posted FLYING DRY.

  96. You leave me speechless. As always. I’m in awe of you. Yes, yes I am.

    Cindy recently posted Bowling Ball Yard Art - Nowata- OK.

  97. I love the police line photo. Very risque (and gorgeous!).


    Kelly@TearingUpHouses recently posted Stumped.

  98. One time going from Scotland to Sweden I witnessed a man get this bottle of really expensive whiskey taken off him, because he had packed it in the carry on luggage. Then when you get past security, in the waiting area they sell overpriced bottles of whiskey! Kinda felt sorry for the guy…

    Also, once i silly-rigged my mp3 player with a small small, tiny in fact, monkey wrench because it was glitching. Guess who got to ride on the plane with a glitchy mp3 player.

    Going through security flying from Europe to the US is murder though. Arriving in Atlanta I think my bag had been x-rayed 6-7 times and it took about an hour n a half to get out of the airport, if not more. Going back I had a note from some government thingy they’d been through my bag. I guess 10 cans of Dr. Pepper Cherry Vanilla puts you on their shit list.
    Landing in Sweden coming back, stopping over in Amsterdam, I just walked straight out of the airport. Big diff!

    Also it’s 3 am and I’m rambling…good times good times…

  99. I attended your session at BlogHer and it was my favorite of the whole weekend! Honestly: funny, wise, hilarious, honest, brilliant, thank you. Done and done.
    I’ve noticed that snow globe crap at the airport and wondered the same. I’m no TSA official or anything, but it does seem to me we might be missing the forest for, I don’t know, the trees?

  100. I was going to read all your comments, but then I got to the BodyGlide one, and I need to read no more…for years I have refused to wear dresses in summer (without nylons) because of the thigh chafing. Now I have a potential solution! If only for that, visiting your blog is the most useful thing I’ve done all day!

    Also, Victor is kinda funny sometimes.

    a recently posted Any Excuse for Cake!.

  101. I can tell you are an actual rockstar on account of you flashing “I love you” in sign language like a badass.

  102. The one thing people do not need more of are snow globes. Thank you airport security for that.

    Dani recently posted Crime Watch Wednesday - Where Theres Fire- Theres Toast.

  103. FABTASTIC photo of you on the police line.

    And THANK FUCKING GOD snowglobes are not a security threat in MD where I flew back because Dex collects them and I had about 5 in my bag. Seriously.

    Aimee Greeblemonkey recently posted Up Up &amp Away and an Ode To Her Bad Mother.

  104. Your panel was awesome! I must have arrived about two seconds after you took that picture. And I’m making my life list just as you described. Ate dinner without choking. Check.

    Lady M recently posted Tragedy Strikes at IKEA.

  105. Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have tried to open the dildo link at work. It was blocked, and whoever oversees internet usage for the postal service is going to have some questions. I was on my break, I swear…

    Addie recently posted Ode to sweatpants.

  106. Snow globes are illegal on planes because the people responsible for airline security didn’t get far enough in high school to get to the part in math where you calculate the volume of a sphere.

    Since they can’t figure out how much liquid is in the globe, no one can have one. I know how to figure out the volume of a sphere, and I have to take off my shoes to get on a plane, so I guess they win. A good lesson for the kids.

    Wanna have fun with the TSA? Ask them if the 3 ounce rule is weight or volume. Awesome fun.

    Paul recently posted The Three Headed Monster is Back.

  107. I was going to go to that Volstead thing until I didn’t. Now I’m glad I didn’t, as KISS used to scare me as a child.

    muskrat recently posted muskrattle and a bonzai run to portland.

  108. 108

    This is the most fucking informative blog I have ever read. When I feel like I’m drowning in information and things to do, I just blow off everything else and come here for my news. You keep my head above water Jenny.

  109. So…that whole snow globe thing is totally my fault from the war I waged against the tsa a few years ago the first time we took bratchild to Disney world.
    She bought a teeny tincey snow globe, about an ounce of liquid. The check in counter people assured us we could take it in our carryon a it was under the liquid limits. Then we got sasquatch meets carol brady as our searcher person. I was all don’t say we have it, they’ll never find it. Seriously, I carried an all metal box cutter, matches and lip gloss-the active ingredient needed for explosions for years and they never found any of it.
    My stupid hubs is compulsively honest so he pulled it out for inspection. Instead of being nice, carol Sasquatch yelled at ll of us, including my six year old, and told her she’d be throwing away here snow globe.
    I lost it, chewed out her, her supervisor, demanded to see printed materials that said you can’t fly with snow globes, there weren’t any, filled out complaint cards and called and emailed for months.
    The signs are the result of me never being able to let anything go and having too much time on my hands.
    So enjoyed meeting you at BlogHer. Thanks for answering my question in your session, the awesome poem you wrote for me and chatting with me at cheeseburger.
    I’m actually working on a post about you and my nipples, not related.
    If you ever want to make me vice-queen of the internets and list me in your sidebar, I’d send you a box of wine and a camelback to drink it out of. You could hide it under clothes at conferences. It’d be awesome. Or something.

  110. so much to comment on but i’m going to be real shallow and say, hey i’m in one of your pictures! i look like i’m about to take an oath…as in do i swear to tell the truth, yada, yada, yada….

    laura recently posted gotta brag.

  111. Those snow globes scare the crap out of me. They oughta be banned I tell you.

    Love, Your Canadian Friend

    Finola recently posted Cycling Dude.

  112. Somehow I always manage to leave the party just before the KISS makeup comes out…

    snarkier than you recently posted Osa Bella - Chapter 27 Bella of Forks Twilight FanFiction.

  113. I think body glide is ok, but a good dusting of cornstarch is cheaper and, in my opinion, better at preventing the chub rub. P.s. I don’t think you’re fat. You are beautiful.

  114. Your BlogHer experience was very different AKA lot more fun, than mine. I’ve just got to stay closer to you next year!

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted A furry testament to the power of prayer- Gizmo is home!.

  115. Wow. I had no idea that the terrorists were now using snow globes to blow up planes. I will definitely be buying a ton of snow globes on every vacation from now on just to see if I get through security.

    Jules recently posted How My Blog Will Die A Slow Death.

  116. Two observations about bucket lists from Wondermark —

    One for you: http://wondermark.com/479/

    And one for Victor: http://wondermark.com/624/


    Ric Locke recently posted A Definition.

  117. Just wanted to say that the pic of you with the police line is FANTASTIC. I love it!

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