UPDATED. You would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say “Thank you for helping me dig up my dead dog”.

Disclaimer: You shouldn’t read this.

So I called a million (a million = 14) places to get someone to come disinter my dog that was already partially disinterred by the horrible vultures that I attacked with a machete but NO ONE would come because it’s the weekend and then I found a guy on craigslist who said he’d do it but then I looked up his email address and he also has ads for people who are looking for prostitutes so basically he’s a pimp and it felt weird to invite a pimp over when it’s just me and Hailey and WHY IS VICTOR NOT HOME YET? So then my friend Laura called and I was all “I’m fine” and she’s like “Well, you don’t sound fine.  I’m coming over to dig up your dead dog” and I was all “NO! No one needs to see that.  Especially you because you knew him” and she was all “You sound terrible.  We’ll be right over.  I’m bringing my four year old.  And a shovel”.  And she did.  And I couldn’t let her do it alone so we put on a video game for the kids and told them we were going gardening and then we both put on gloves and she put on a bandana to mask the smell and we did it.  And by “did it” I mean that we dug up my dog except that I did it with my eyes mostly closed because I couldn’t bear to look and so Laura was all “Okay, lift.  Shovel to the left.  Further…further…lower into the box…DONE! HIGH FIVE TEAM.”  Then we carried the box we placed him in up to the house and as we did she said “Aw.  We’re Barnaby Jones’ paw-bearers.  Get it?  Laugh now.”  And I did.  I laughed as I carried my sweet, dead dog from his shallow desecrated little grave.   And that’s when I realized how incredibly lucky I am to have friends like Laura.  Because she took something traumatic and awful and made it…okay. Then we came inside and washed our hands for an hour and then she told me that she had everything in her purse to make fresh salsa, including beer and a tiny cuisinart because she knows I don’t own appliances.  And at the end of a week that was so horrific that I didn’t think I’d come out the other side again I somehow ended it feeling something that I never would have expected.  Lucky.

Thank you, Laura.  And thank you to everyone else who made this week so much less unbearable.  Thank you.

PS.  Hailey decided to take a picture of Laura and I after we were done “gardening”.  It is the single worst and best picture I own.

It's like some kinda fucked-up American Gothic portrait but with less pitchforks and more rappers.

PS.  DM I just got from Laura:

If there was a song for this post it would be the Golden Girls theme. But less douchey and with a kick-ass drum solo in the middle.

UPDATED: This has nothing to do with me touching myself inappropriately and everything to do with why I’m no longer responding to emails:

I don't know what's wrong with me either.

247 thoughts on “UPDATED. You would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say “Thank you for helping me dig up my dead dog”.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I want a Laura.

    In related news, I hope that to someone I AM a Laura.

    Which, since I’m a Lori, isn’t too much of a stretch.

    But, when my best friend needs to un-bury a body, I hope I have the guts to do it.

    And then I’d be Laura AND Lori.

    There’s something in there about spiritual pluralism, I bet, but, I don’t understand it enough to know where.

    I’m glad you have a Laura.

  2. That is so sweet.

    She really sounds like the best of friends. I’m so glad somebody was there to help make everything okay.

  3. I love Laura. And I love that she’s not afraid to dig up dead things for you.

    I’m making mental notes right now. Because you never know when you are going to need someone with that particular skill set.

    xoxo to you Jenny.

  4. Awwww! I need a Laura. Alas, I have no body to dig up. But I can fix that. *eyes knife and Hubz life insurance policy*

    I will feel like a costco sized DOUCHE if something happens to my husband after saying that.

  5. How wrong is it that when I saw that picture the only thing that went through my mind wasn’t “there’s that awesome friend who helped Jenny with a thankless, heart-breaking task,” but, “‘Who’s that chick that’s rockin’ kicks/She’s gotta be from out of town?” WHAT. MILEY CYRUS IS LIKE A DURGE.

    Also: everyone needs a friend like Laura. That sucked so bad and I’m glad it’s done for your sake.

  6. Laura rocks. Glad that you won’t have to worry about this anymore… Wishing you a much better week.

  7. I love it. It’s horrible and funny and sweet all at the same time. Only the best friends go through that.

    And the picture? Truly classic.

  8. It would have been awesome if you also had a Sassy Gay Friend along. What, what, what are you doing?

  9. Laura Mayes? Sweet, girly, pretty Laura Mayes is a dog-body-digger? Man. She is a really, really good friend. I mean, I don’t know what would top that. Probably nothing.

  10. Friends like this are worth everything; never forget how blessed you are to have people in your life who will dig up dead bodies for/with you.

  11. Don’t know if this will be helpful but … now that you’ve dug him up the best thing to do with the body (instead of having it hang out until you find a pet cemetary or crematorium) may be to call the vet and ask if they will take care of that stuff for you.
    Most vet offices have relationships with various pet cemeteries or crematoriums, and emergency vets are open on Sunday nights, so you don’t have to keep Barnaby Jones in the house / near the house where he might continue to attract vultures and other wild animals.

  12. That just made me cry… I don’t think I have a single friend who would do that for me. Family, yes… but no friends. How sad of me. You are a lucky lady, my dear.

    Also, you and Laura are the hawtest graverobbers I’ve ever seen.

  13. I’ve never brought myself to comment on any of your posts before because everyone who does is so witty and shit like that, but this made me feel so warm and calm and lucky. I am drenched in good fortune. Sincerely, creepy weird lurker person.

  14. Dear Jenny,

    See?! Everyone makes fun of my shovel, gloves and trash bags in my car. They just don’t understand.

    I am THAT kind of friend.

    -Tony

  15. I learn so much from you. Like the word disinter isn’t someone just forgetting to finish the thought (as in disinterested). And what to wear when disinterring pets (although i believe we had Buster and Miss Kitty cremated-we live in the woods too, you see). And that its good to have friends named Laura who come prepared with children to distract the other children, and masks, and salsa purses.

    (Have you noticed that there was food in both of your posts about Barnaby Jones Pickles?)

    I am glad it is okay. It will be ok. xoxoxox

  16. You 2 are some fine-ass grave robbers… I think you have a spot in a niche market!!!

    Jenny, you are one tough woman, whether it be just because you had to be or because you just plain are. I love the heck out of you and Barnaby!!!

  17. That is all kinds of awesome. I only bring drugs (legal ones thank you very much) to my besties. but i’m pretty sure she’d dig up a body for me. After all she didn’t freak when I told her I saw a UFO

  18. Long time reader, first time commenter, and I just wanted to say that I am so, truly, honestly sorry for your loss. We had to put our dog down a year ago this week and it was awful, so I can’t even imagine how you were able to breathe after what you dealt with. You are awesome. As is Laura. We all need a friend who will help us dig up and relocate dead bodies, canine or not.

  19. Sometimes its amazing how much the smallest snicker can make the most unimaginable pain bearable. I’m not sure I can say I understand what you’ve just gone through/are going through. But I can assure you, that you will be ok. From the last two posts over the last two or so days… If you can find the smallest sliver of light right now… You’re going to be ok. And ok is the best bench mark to being fabulous. And if you don’t know it yet, that’s what you are right now. Don’t worry if you can’t see it though. Everyone else can, and that’s what matters until you see it too. 😀

  20. I’m so glad no one stumbled across this scenario and misinterpreted your intentions. Especially with the mini cuisine art in her purse.

    Keep Smilin’ Keep Shinin’…

    (so sweet)

  21. Now I’ve got the Golden Girls theme stuck in my head. Thanks for that.
    And a drum solo in the middle WOULD be kick-ass.

  22. Oh. Dear. Crying for your sweet pup and laughing all at the same time. Woulda done the same for any of my beloved pets. These animals, they have ways with our hearts. What a wonderful, amazing friend. Love and disinfectant spray to you all.

  23. I had to dig up my dead dog’s ashes that we’d buried in the front garden because he was haunting the house and we couldn’t sell it. True story. But that was so much less traumatic than what you’ve been through. He looks like he was a sweet pug. I’m so sorry he’s gone from your life.

    (But now that he’s been resurrected, kind of, maybe he’ll haunt you a little too.)

    Love,
    Lynn

  24. Although I write, my “day job” is teaching, and I didn’t think anything could distract me from my pre-first-day-of-school panic.

    But your dead dog line did.

  25. I was in Petco today and – no lie – they sell PET SCORPIONS and I was all, “NO FUCKING WAY, I NEED TO TELL JENNY because if you could DOMESTICATE your scorpions it would solve half of your problems!
    1) NO exterminator
    2) No bee would fuck with a pet scorpion
    3) It would teach the cat a much-needed lesson in manners.
    4) Think of all the fun you could have fucking with Victor.

    Of course the way your week’s been going I think you should ALSO invest in an EPI-PEN if you decide to go this route.

    I’m sorry about Barnaby Jones. I had really grown attached to the angry rabbit.
    Also, Hooray for Laura. She is CLUTCH.
    Love,
    Kit

  26. Here’s to all of the friends who come to the rescue and to all of the wonderful pets that are no longer with us. Laura has that kind of friend too because if your roles had been reversed you would have done the same, without the tiny cuisinart, but definitely the beer.

  27. I don’t remember seeing that on Laura’s “40 before 40” list, but I’m glad she was there for you, anyway. Because, seriously, why were you looking for someone on Craigslist? That’s where sex workers hang out and… oh, never mind.

    ~EdT.

  28. Who knew? Lemons = not lemonade but salsa.

    (Also, I love the reverse “Scream” effect of the bandana in the picture.)

    (Also? Hugs.)

  29. I’m trying to think if there’s anyone in my life that I love so much that I would help them dig up their dead dog. I’m not sure that there is. I’m a little jealous. You’re very lucky.

    Also: “paw-bearers” made me snort. That shit’s on par with Meowschwitz.

  30. I definitely need a Laura. What a wonderful person.

    And when IS Victor getting home? He owes you big time for missing all of this.

  31. As the saying goes, “A friend helps you move. A BEST friend helps you bury the body.” Or unbury it, as the case may be. You are blessed.

    Totally unrelated to this post, but related to someone who mentioned Sassy Gay Friend–I TOTALLY walked by the guy who PLAYS Sassy Gay Friend the other day! It took everything in my being not to throw myself at his feet, wrap my arms around his legs and beg, “Please be my Sassy Gay Friend! PLEASE!” (Sometimes living in Hollywood doesn’t suck. ‘Cept for all the tourists. And the Oscars. And sometimes the location shoots. And the traffic.)

  32. I’m crying in this sweet touched not all that sad way.
    You have incredible friends and an incredible sister.
    I envy that you have people like that local to you.

  33. An awful experience made bearable by a true friend. Wow. I wish I had peeps like that. I think I do, but they’re far away and since they’re mostly male my husband probably wouldn’t be too thrilled. Then again, my husband would do it, which I guess is why he’s my best friend, but I want a GIRLfriend like that. She rocks. And so do you.

  34. I so realize this isn’t the same thing, because my cat is in fact alive. . but nevertheless it involves the dark side of pet ownership, so I shall proceed. I knew I could marry my husband when he cleaned up cat vomit for me. My cat is constantly vomiting (swear he has bulemia nervosa cause he’s still fat even though he vomits after gorging himself on food, which is a sign of bulemia nervosa. Many bulemics aren’t actually thin did you know this?) Anyway, I would always gag when cleaning up cat vomit, so my kindly then boyfriend did it for me. A total keeper! We’re now happily married and he’s still cleaning up cat spew on an almost daily basis. So romantic. I’m so glad Laura was there for you during this dark time. She too is a keeper!!!!! Way to go the extra mile Laura!

  35. Oh my – what a trooper of a friend. We’ve been dealing with dog drama too. Our deaf dog jumped out the window of our moving car. And ran off. It’s hard to look for a deaf dog you can’t call for. But 2.5 hours later I got a call. I’ve done nothing but cried for 2 days even thought she’s safe at home now.

  36. What an amazing friend – present to help out in a horrific pinch AND able to laugh through the situation. And that’s why we have friends. Love to your family in this difficult time.

  37. you know your going to have to write a memoir now and include this escapade that has taught us all sorts of lessons. Your friend gets serious karma points and I would include a promise to pay her bail, or hotwire a car for her with a purse full of cheese puffs.

    Now when Barnaby has turned to dust I suggest for your daughter that you install a couple of pinwheels so she will think of Barnaby when they spin.

  38. Jenny,

    1. I am so sorry that you lost your dog. Mine was 16 when he died and I never marked his grave in our backyard and feel so guilty about it, and then the trailer park people dug a big hole last June to make a burn pit, and I am afraid it might be in the same place as where my dog was buried. And his clay footprint from the vet cracked because I never properly baked it. And he was the best dog I ever had. Oh, my.

    2. Laura is a saint. One time, when I was married to my boy’s crazy dad, one of my pregnant daycare neighbor ladies called and asked if he could come and bury their dead dog who was in the back of their car … on the hottest day of the summer. He was trying to quit chewing so he was on anti-depressants for the 10 days around her dog dying (it was the only time in 12 years that I can say he was really nice) and he went and buried her dog. It is the one nice memory I have of that man.

    3. I love how your daughter is becoming the family photojournalist. I am taking after my own mom, doing that job, and it is a quite honorable, time-consuming, worthwhile activity. If I do say so myself.

    P.S. – I think you are so smart that you avoided the pimp.

    P.S.S. – I really wish I could put the stuff on my blog that you put on yours. I have some good stories, but I think I need to make up my own town like the man from Lake Woebegon did, and tell my stories as if they are really fiction. (I just figured that out this week…so stay tuned.)

    I admire you for being right out there, and for making us laugh, even when it is a sad story like this. You rock.

    Kathy M.

  39. Alas… I have no Laura. All of my friends are virtual… people I know because of the Internet who I would desperately LOVE to hang out with in person (even if it were to be disinterring deceased pets).

    I’m glad you have a Laura. And I’m sorry your week was so craptastic.

  40. aww…I’d say I’m turning green, but I already am! No one has ever dug up a dead body for me…well, that I’m aware of… ~shifty eyes~ :-O

  41. Your posts this last week have made me want to reach into the computer and hug you. My husband tells me that’s not possible, but I’m pretty sure he’s wrong. He usually sometimes is. so *hugs* (<–feel free to repeat as often as needed)

  42. I hope I would unhesitatingly be the same type of friend to my friends if the situation ever required it. True friends rock!

  43. Hugs to Laura. She is a true friend. Hugs to you, too. I am so sorry about Barnaby Jones and the whole experience you have gone through. How awful to have to go through that but how wonderful to have a friend willing to go through it with you.

    I have a very long story along the same lines, but it boils down to the same result – a true friend making the horrible experience bearable.

  44. This saga just keeps on going. Any more and it’ll have to be made into a mini series. I hope you each relaxed with a Long Island Iced Tea in a qt. Mason jar when it was all over. God knows you both deserved it.

  45. Reminds me of Grey’s Anatomy.

    Cristina to Preston (About Meredith) – “If I murdered someone she’s the person I’d call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor…. She’s my person.”

    Laura is your person. Or maybe because she brought up the idea of digging, you’re her’s.

    Anyway, someone is somebody else’s person.

  46. I buried a body today – my dog came upon a flock of turkeys in my wooded yard and it ended poorly. I don’t think I’ve ever had a day that even remotely aligned with your’s – I don’t know whether to be petrified or thrilled.
    Also, WTF purse does she carry, that has a cuisinart, salsa ingredients, AND BEER in it? Holy crap. She helps move bodies AND apparently has a purse that can hide them. A good friend to have!

  47. You know you’ve got a true friend for life when she brings over a shovel and a bandanna so she can dig up a dead body for you. Wow, never thought I’d ever say something like that. Guess there’s a first time for everything. I’m glad you have such great friends around to help you feel better during sad times. xoxo

  48. This story made me cry.

    Laura is the best friend EVER. I wish I had a friend who would dig up bodies for me.

    Extra big hugs for you both.

    Diana xx

  49. Now THAT is the meaning of a true friend! Not only knew where the body was buried – but helped you dig it up and re-bury it. I’m so sorry about Barnaby Jones dying. Losing our furry babies is always so difficult.

  50. This made my cry. Smile a little. :-). But I am not surprised that woman of all trades Laura Mayes helped you with your sad task. You are both impressive and amazing.

  51. It was truly an honor to help Barnaby Jones transition to his final resting place. All of you people would have done the same thing.

    And I love all the comments about the attire. FYI, I was wearing a $2.50 dress from the grocery store. And I’d been wearing it for 28 straight hours (don’t ask). Also, yes, I definitely recommend wearing boots when digging up bodies from really hard, rocky ground. Pro tip.

  52. Best friends: The person who shows up when your dog needs digging up AND brings beer. Great story. Need to call my best friend. 🙂
    d.

  53. That’s some hel-uv-a purse that lady has… Wow. Will it ever end for U?! Dear lady, you are incredible to be able to go out there, yet again, this time to unbury your friend–WITH a friend. You have major balls. I would have been on the floor with a pillow bunched into my stomach trying to keep from throwing up. You deserve a statue or a monument in your honor. Victor better come home with something good in his suitcase for you.

    And you must have some good kid videos at your house.

  54. If I had lived anywhere near you I would have done it because I have been there and way, way beyond. My wife breeds cats and ever since the first litter I have been burying newborn kittens. She also keeps too many of them so we have about 20 (see, I’ve lost count) and the older ones die too and need burying. My garden aka ‘back-yard’ is really small and I have not kept track of where they all are, also there is solid chalk and rocks just below the surface in most places so I just have to try random places until I find somewhere that I can dig down at least a a foot (luckily I dont get foxes). When I sell me house and they start digging rose beds the new owners are going to think they bought the house from some sort of anti-cat psycho-ripper!

    OK burying lots of cats is not as bad as digging up your dog but I have also had a cat die behind a cupboard in my bedroom and not get found until it was a semi-liquid maggot incubator soaking into the carpet and most recently a neighbour knocked on my door to say they think one of my cats is stuck in their car suspension; a large adult cat that had vanished three months earlier was now a furry piece of rawhide wrapped round the axle of her car. I had to lie under her car and break and rip one of my favourite cats into pieces! Believe me I am hardened.

  55. I’m so sorry about your dog, Jenny. And so glad that you can bring Laura and Lisa’s part of the story in with a good, soul-restoring laugh.

    I am always available if you need rescuing from a giant squid.

  56. Sometimes when I read stuff you write out loud to my teenagers, they think I’m making you up. Then they think you’re making you up. They can’t quite believe someone as awesome as you actually exists. You’re amazing and you make me do that crazy laugh / cry at the same time thing all the time. Thank you. And sorry, again, about BJP.

  57. But I’m still confused about the vultures! Was that on Twitter and I missed it? I’m soo soo sorry about Barnaby Jones. I’m glad you have a friend like Laura. And the parts about Hailey and you crying when you told her just broke my heart but then the part about him peeing on her cracked me up again.

  58. I’m just catching up after being away for a few days and must add my condolences to others for the loss of BJP. After the horrible week you’ve had, it is wonderful that the bestest go-to friend ever came through for you, and you are fortunate to have a picture to commemorate an event that probably won’t be repeated again in your lifetime. One thing I wasn’t sure about though. What did you do with the box of remains? Is it sitting around waiting for Victor, in the freezer with the Toaster Pasteries or somewhere else? We really need to know this to have a perfect denouement.

  59. Aww Jenny

    Tears for you having to go through that and laughter at BJ Pawbearers. If I lived nearby I would have been honored to be a pawbearer with you. I like when the lines get all swimmy from the tears but the laughter makes them fall down my cheeks.

    Here’s to seriously kick ass friends. To your family and to your sweet pup. May you find peace and may he rest in peace.

  60. I emailed this to my friend Rachael because she makes traumatic things okay and your words let me show her that than my own ever could.

    Thanks for another fantastic article.

  61. friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies.

    I’m sorry this happened to you, but I’m so glad you have a kick ass friend like Laura to help you move Barnaby Jones’ body.

  62. Hokay, I have lost count of the many ways in which your week sucked large, hairy, elephant privates.

    Cannot even conceive of having to go through any of it, and doubt seriously I would have been able to do it with such good humour.

    Blog crush official. I heart you.

    Good luck.

    – B x

  63. I thought angels were white and shiny with wings.
    Now I know they have sunshades and wear boots.
    What an awesome friend Laura is!
    ( please note this is the english awesome that is used to describe something rare and wonderful, not the common american awesome which seems to describe everything from a passable muffin to a life changing event.)

  64. I do love the photo, I really do. The “paw-bearers” comment nearly made me cry however. Too sweet. I’ll give you a quote here, but it should be noted I have no idea where it came from and I’m not yet caffeinated enough to do the research:

    The best place to bury a dog is in his owner’s heart.

  65. I think the absolute best part is the outfits you chose to wear to dig up a dead dog. Obviously you couldn’t look crappy, out of respect for BJP. I can appreciate that.
    I hope things get better this week.

  66. If that’s not a true friend, I don’t know what is! I’m so sorry about Barnaby Jones. Sounds like you’ve been very strong through this difficult (cliche, I know) time.

  67. My brother-in-law was nice enough to come bury my cat when she died. But Laura wins the greatest friend of all time award.

    And I’m sorry about your dog.

  68. I have a friend like Laura and also feel very lucky.

    Tomorrow my Laura (aka: Amy) is going on a date with me. I am a few months away (hopefully!) from finalizing my divorce and tomorrow is my 20 year wedding anniversary. We are going out for a nice dinner and then a movie and she is prepared for whatever emotions I will be having at any moment in the evening. It has become Amy’s special talent to roll with whatever wave of emotion I have been feeling for almost 2 years now.

    Glad you have Laura and I have Amy.

    I hope you feel better soon. I am sure beer and salsa helped.

  69. I just found your blog and have been reading your posts. Oh my god you are funny. You need to write a book and make me laugh some more!

  70. new to your site (Many thanks to Hyperbole&ahalf) & just wanted to send a quick note.

    So so sorry about your furry love. The sudden ones seem the hardest to bear. I grew up with multiple dogs, and thought I had ‘somewhat’ acclimated to the losing part. Especially having worked at a vet summers during college and seen others firsthand. But with my first Wolfhound (big dog lover) Shaggy. you know, the kind of dog that makes everyone he meets want a wolfhound. Went the sudden route, as in a late night trip to the ER vet and Dr. instruction that it was best to assist him on (Metastasized Osteosarcoma inside his chest). The cherry was hitting a deer on the way home with my dead dog in the back of the car at 130AM. (fortunately it was a glancing blow and the deer was fine enough to run away unassisted). Anyway, I guess the point of my comment is that it’s been years and I still remember how FURIOUS I was that it was so sudden. Like someone broke in my house, violated my space, and stole my dog. Have you seen that movie ‘the Brave One’ with Jodie Foster.. That kind of pissed. So partly because of that, I didn’t think I would want another Wolfhound ( they are notoriously short lived, but Shaggy was unusually young to go). But after about 2 months I was looking at pictures and thought, I am so ready!!. And contacted rescue, etc for another one. But the problem was that it was too soon, and when I got another, (Sam), all I could think about was how he was ‘not’ like Shaggy. I know you said you do NOT want another because of having to lose him, but if you change your mind, don’t rush it. But I do still vote for getting another,… eventually. Especially because I know how much my friend in Pug rescue loves hers. (Alabama Pug Rescue)

    Thanks for your super awesome excellent stupendous blog. I’m hooked. 😀

    E

  71. Jenny,

    I read about your disinterment escapade, but you didn’t state how you were storing his remains. This may be a day late and a dollar short since you may have already taken him to be cremated, but if not and if there is going to be a delay in doing so, I have a couple of suggestions.

    First, freezing would be the best and quickest. Of course you would need one large enough and to be prepared to explain to people what you mean by, “Don’t open that! That is where I keep the corpse I dug up.”

    The second, if you cannot do that, is to try and desiccate it. (With my typing, word tried to change that into desecrate it, something entirely different.) Anyways, the water softener salt (because it is cheaper and you will need a lot) should absorb the moisture. Ideally you would heat up the salt to drive out any water prior to putting it into a plastic trash bag with the remains. Don’t try that. Dealing with hot salt is a mess. It is easy to get burned and it melts the plastic. No, I have not been making mummies, although is part of the process. I was trying to dry out a video camera that got wet – on a water ride. Why I thought it would be fun to video one of those wild river rides at a theme park is beyond me. Not a good idea.

    So, the salt should help dry the remains out, which will help with the smell.

    Speaking of putting bodies in a freezer, my aunt (father’s sister) was telling me a story about her odd aunt (mother’s sister) who was a doctor in N. California about 100 years ago. It seems that when she was a resident, a patient had a spontaneous abortion and she wanted to examine the fetus. But she was expected at a dinner party that evening, so it would have to wait. So she bundle it up, took it home and put it in the ice chest. That evening, an administrator from the hospital and police officers came to her residence, announce why they were there, marched in to retrieve the fetus then marched out, all in full view of the guest. Things must have been different back then. I cannot imagine that happening today without going to jail or being fired. Sort of like your toy gun story.

  72. So very glad that you found someone to help you deal with the body, she is truly awesome.
    I’m sorry for your loss, we lost our dog last year and it SUCKED.

  73. Good friends always carry emergency beer in their handbags. Remember that ladies and certain gentlemen.

    (I hope I am a friend to my friends, as Laura is to you. )

  74. I’m glad that said rappers as opposed to rapers. Because that would be a whole new level of fuckedupitude to photograph two rapers burying a dead dog.

  75. I wanted to write a comment along the lines of “you’re awesome and I love you and us internet people will always support and help you as best as we can”, but all I can think is “Barnaby wasn’t buried at an ancient Indian burial ground a la Pet Semetary, so I’d say you did pretty damn well despite the vultures and such”.

  76. I thought it said “rapers, too.” Either one is appropriate though, I guess…

    Laura IS a great friend. Glad you had her there to help.

  77. This makes me love both of you SO MUCH. And also, I think you have this year’s Christmas card photo. You should totally sell prints of that so we can ALL use it as our Christmas card photo.

  78. I’m sorry, my friend… But, I AM glad that you have Laura. I’m a little envious of you both, actually.

    And funny, our dogs aren’t even NEAR death and I’m planning on digging them up when we move. What. The. Hell. Is. Wrong. With. Me.

    I didn’t put a question mark at the end of that because it’s really more of a statement. And before I finish, I’d like to state that I would like to think that I would’ve helped you dig up your dog too. But, I wouldn’t have brought salsa stuff in my murse. Probably just booze and pot and doritos.

  79. Just recently found your blog. Love it, love you, love this entry. Sorry about your loss.

  80. I have a Laura!! Totally, except, her purse would have held numerous bottles of hard liquer to use PRIOR to the exhumation. But, we wouldn’t be dressed as nice, someone would have fell, there would have been personal injury, and the kids would have came out in the middle of the worst. Ya…that’s how it would go.

    So sorry about BJP!!

  81. When this story gets incorporated as an episode of the sit-com you ARE going to produce and write, don’t forget to work in a few plot references to Stephen King’s Pet Sematary.

  82. This is totally “Awww” worthy somewhere between “Awww Laura is an awesome friend” and “Awww how sad to have to do that”

    and before I even saw your caption to the photo, I was thinking, “Wow – that’s a whole new take on American Gothic.”

  83. Wait wait wait – why did you dig him up? And what did you do with him after you dug him up?! Did you re-bury him? I am so confused…

  84. After we dug him up we put him in a little faux coffin and the pet cemetery people came to pick him up so they could cremate him. I didn’t want to risk burying him again.

    PS? I love you guys.

  85. Last night there was a beautiful ‘Natural World’ documentary on BBC (am on satellite in Belgium). A segment of the programme showed one of the Tibetan burial ceremonies, where they cover the corpses of their dead and carry them up the mountains to the vultures (considered sacred). They believe that the souls of the dead are transmitted back into the bodies of other living creatures; thus the circle of life continues.
    You probably came to mind as we lost our beloved 16 year old mutt two months ago and I know how that goes.
    Sometimes, if you look at death and the way it is dealt with in other cultures, it can turn the inconceivable into something more easily dealt with.
    It does get easier 🙂
    xx

  86. the fucked up american gothic photo is way better than the painting. i say we start a lines of cards with this image. also, how blue is that sky!

  87. Now I’m humming that stupid song. But I’m glad you had a friend who would come and help. Because I would have, but you don’t know my phone number.

    Do you have something cool to keep the cremains in? My mom has a frog cookie jar she wants us to put her in. I think there are cookies in it now. I’ll have to ask.

  88. I’m such a bad blog reader and JUST found out about Barnaby Jones. I’m really sorry, Jenny. My cat died last year and I considered burying her in a nearby park. Glad I didn’t. Those crack foxes are ruthless. Anyway, I’m sure Barnaby’s up in heaven with my Kitty hanging out and being bff’s. xoxo

  89. “Disclaimer: You shouldn’t read this.”
    Wth, Jen? This is my favorite blog entry by you. Thanks for sharing this!

  90. My dog weighs almost 200 pounds; he’s 10 years old, and arthritic with cataracts. He’s also sort of incontinent and I dread when anything happens, least of which because I literally HAVE NO IDEA what we’ll do with his earthly remains. That would be a human-sized hole in the yard. And I can’t shovel for shit when I’m crying. RIP Barnaby Jones, and God love your friend for helping you in your time of need. 🙂

  91. I second Lori’s comment. I want a Laura, and I want to be a Laura! I can’t say I’ve ever unburied a body (or buried a body for that matter), but I am super good at feeding people in times of great emotional distress. And I have been known to kidnap people every now and again.

  92. Things I hope I someone says to me…”I’m bringing my four year old…and a shovel”. Also your fb post…Hysterical!

    I’m still sorry for your family’s lost of dear Barnaby Jones. It’s nice though you can laugh through your tears.

  93. I am beyond jealous that you have a friend like Laura. She is amazing…dig up your dog and carries around yummy goodness in her purse? I want one of those!

  94. First, when I first read about Barnaby Jones I cried (in public, at a family reunion/Bar Mitzvah in Miami.) Like I had to hide in the backyard and tell people I was drunk and missed my dead grandma. So I’m so sorry and I love you. And I totally was drunk.
    Second, I don’t think ANY of my friends would come over to dig up a dead dog. I found a dead rabbit in the backyard and my dad was like, “get some kitchen tongs and take it to the garbage, but don’t tell your mom you used her kitchen tongs”. None of my friends would even help me get a fucking urine sample from my dog, so I’m thinking they wouldn’t be there for me for this. FUCKERS.

  95. I knew it took a great friend to help you get rid of a dead body, but I had no idea that there were friends good enough to help you dig one back up and move it again.

  96. Jenny, while I started reading your blog for the humor, and kept coming back for the same reason?

    These posts. The ones that are honest, and raw and true? Are the best.

    You have a beautiful soul. Thank you for giving us a little peek at it.

  97. OK. I’ve been through the loss of many a pet, one dad and one husband (I have a neat and horribly sad little lineup of urns on my mantlepiece. I’m goth, what can I say?) – and make no mistake: IT SUCKS – but I have never had to bury or unbury any of them, or protect or rescue their remains from any other wildlife. That’s a whole new level of suck. Sphere of suck? Depth of suck? Anyway, I am raising a glass to you for surviving it. But also, if I *did* have to do a necro-rescue involving shovels and boots, I would never be able to pull off a sassy little strapless number. Or, actually, a dress of any kind. I would probably be only a half-clad, sobbing, stinky, dirty, drunk, little scratched-up heap, draped over the grave, waving an arm feebly at the vultures. Kudos to you.

    PS. I have a Laura, and I have been a Laura. Ain’t it grand?
    PPS. You should get another dog. Maybe not tomorrow. But sometime in the not-too-distant future. They make your life richer (and more hilarious). You can’t say that these last few days haven’t been rich. Maybe really, really awful, but that’s how you know you’re LIVING.

    Thanks for sharing it with us.

  98. I used to think I was the most kick-ass Laura that ever roamed the planet (and yes, I’m including you Laura Ingalls Wilder. I could totally kick your prairie ass) now I have to second guess that. Your Laura seems to be even better. I mean, she helps dig up your dead dog AND has a purse big enough to carry salsa makings? Awesome.

    PS I agree with the people who say you should get another dog at some point. My dog passed away a few years ago and I thought I’d never recover, but I was wrong. I can think of him now and remember how awesome he was and how much I adored him, but I can also love my new dog and now continually worry about losing him too. Just sometimes. But that’s normal for me, I worry about losing everything all the time. I’m a mess.

  99. Now you’re just showing off, with that ending. I can only hope, next time tragedy strikes, that I’m clearheaded enough to remember to tell a well-wisher, “I’m finally feeling myself again” with a straight face. What a deliciously awkward moment that just might make it all worthwhile!

  100. Hmmm….Well, first off…I have a “Laura”. Well, My Laura now lives about 2 or 3 thousand miles from me, but she didn’t before. I had a rat named Sebastian that passed away. At a really awful time. Well, made more awful since my Grandma was dying. So anywho, he passed away and I was a mess. So I put him in a box. And then put him in my car. In the backseat. After about two days, My Laura (Nell) snuck out to a preserve with me near her house and we dug a hole at like midnight in the scary dark for my dear Rat Sebastian. We are both terrified of the dark. We ran back to my car because we were sure that a psychotic killer was out for us.

    RIP Sebastian.

    Anyways – Do you always feel yourself up when you think of the Golden Girls. I guess I just thought I was special when I did it….Hmph.

  101. Wow. You ARE lucky…because I am just so sad about the Barnaby Jones news (I’m a few days late here…and I have to agree that last week was ridiculous at best) AND I totally adore you…but I found myself questioning if I would help you dig Barnaby back up and what kind of a friend am I? Apparently because it’s all about me…but not really, because you’ve lost a sweet friend and companion, and I’m so so sorry.

  102. I’m glad you have a friend like Laura. Not many people would do that for a friend. Me included. Mostly because I would be vomiting and what kind of friend would I be if I threw up all over your beloved pet? Not a good one, that’s for sure. I would have brought salsa (store bought – I don’t have appliances – well, kitchen appliances, either) but I would have forgotten the chips. But I would remember to bring the alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. And sparkling juice, for the kids.

  103. My best friend Christy, had both of her cats die unexpectedly and without any apparent cause a few years ago. They died two weeks apart, and I was there for both. When it came time to bury Mowgli, she called me up and asked if I’d go with her to Houston to bury him at her parent’s house. We packed up the cooler, which contained Mowgli (who was stored frozen by the vet until he could be buried) a pouch of catnip and a bag of lime.

    On the way there, we got pulled over for speeding. Christy was beyond pissed when the cop made it up to her window and asked her why she was speeding. She told him the following: “I was speeding because I’ve got my dead cat in the cooler in the backseat and I’d really like to get him buried before he starts to thaw, ok???” I’ve never seen a police officer look so chagrined in my whole life. She even offered to show him the cat, which pretty much got him off our backs immediately. We sat there for a minute as the cop walked off and we were both right on the verge of tears from the stress and horribleness of the day when I couldn’t help but look at her and say, “Seriously dude? Did you just offer to show the cop your cat-sicle?”. She stared at me for a second like I’d lost my mind, then burst out laughing. We totally lost it and laughed for a good 10 minutes before we could get moving again.

    It turns out you really need two people to do this sort of job at night: one to hold the flashlight and one to dig. It was a grim and horrible business, but somehow it wasn’t nearly so bad after that laugh. Having a really fucked up sense of humor and a best friend who understands and loves your weird little soul is pretty much the best thing a person could ask for.

  104. Laura sounds like the best damn friend in the whole wide world. Can we make her a macaroni plaque or a trophy made of silver spray painted toilet paper rolls or something at least??

  105. OMG, I just.. you know, bless your heart! And I mean that in the totally sincere way, and not the snide way. I just can’t imagine what the last week must have been like and to have had to take care of it all by yourself and everything. This is what I have nightmares about, seriously. Thank goodness for friends like Laura.

    And if feeling yourself helps, well, then… no judging.

  106. Awesome photo there. Laura is the best friend a girl could ever hope for.

    Victor still not home yet? Let’s hope the Feds don’t read your blog. OTOH, you could get your garden dug for free. Just sayin’.

  107. I’m so happy you are working through your grief with laughter! I have always lived by the “If I don’t laugh I’ll cry” philosophy and while some people think that’s tacky, screw them! They’ve never had to dig up their dead dog after burying it and then chasing vultures with a machete!

    Well, probably not, but I guess it’s possible

  108. I once helped my friends bury a dead, dumped animal. It was horrible. Especially because my friends kept saying that if you breath in the fumes of the corpes, it *part* of you. So, we tried to hold our breath. Breathing in tiny particles of dead deer carcass . . . just, ew. So, perhaps BJP is *part* of you now. ?

    And, by the way, when I saw your photo I immediately thought – American Gothic – before I scrolled down to see your caption.

    Lastly, deepest sympathies for the lost of little BJP. He sure was a cutie pie.

  109. What a friend you have. I had to regale the whole situation to my teenager daughter and we were both horrified and laughing right along with you. You ladies are braver beyond shit. I would have taken that whole circle of life thing and let things be things. Not without sedation and a blindfold of course. Just my usual Saturday night. Wishing you and yours healing vibes. I bet that Barnaby Jones Pickles is laughing his pug ass off right about now. Let me know if you want a feisty dachshund C.O.D. Oh what the hell, I’ll send him free.

  110. Oh, dude. Quick, story: My mom came with me to Sears or something to get tires for my car. Some youngish boy helped us out. He was kinda pretty. Anyway, while there, she saw tires for HER car on sale. So after arranging the time my car would be ready, etc., she inquired about the tires for her car. The kid was all, yep, sale, sure!

    My mom: “Oh great! Could you hold me?”

    Ahem. Again, that’s, “Could you hold me?”

    Instead of “Could you hold THEM FOR me?” He noticed. I noticed. We all noticed.

    It *still* cracks me up. Still.

  111. hooray for friends like laura! just when you think you’ll never make it, POOF sunshine!

    sorry your week sucked, ’till the end. *hugs*

  112. Haven’t been over here for a bit, so my belated condolences on the loss of Barnaby Jones Pickles. Your ability to share such a tragic and bizarre experience with the world in a way that brings both tears and howls of laughter is an amazing skill. You are an incredibly talented writer, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Especially yourself.

  113. Your Laura is a true friend. I mean, isn’t that what they say, a true friend will help you hide the bodies? Yes.

  114. I’m so sorry for your loss. Really. Pets are family members. I want to write something funny and flip to make you feel better but it feels inappropriate (not like molesting the Pillsbury Dough boy inappropriate but who you were a class jerk for saying that inappropriate because Jenny is hurting.) I’m glad you had a really good friend you can count on to help you.

  115. Isn’t it amazing how a good friend can effortlessly turn a horrible situation into, literally, a picture of American Gothic! I love your friend for possessing that skill for you. And the follow up DM…priceless…just fucking priceless…

  116. hey that michael kid had it coming. i mean, he was the one talking about sending you good vibes… you know…. vibes…. VIBES? like, an abbreviation for those things you use to “feel yourself” with.
    i mean… not YOU. i don’t me that YOU use them.
    i mean maybe you do… but… i don’t know. i mean i personally don’t know if you do. so i wasn’t implying anything, you know?
    fuck.

  117. DAMMIT, LADY. Stop making me cry with your blog posts. I’m at WORK, here. And the fact that it’s 3am and I work in a hotel lobby doesn’t make it better, because imagine you’re in a strange city, you’re out late, and when you finally get in to your hotel the dude at the front desk is sobbing and laughing and mumbling to himself about which friends he would dig up a dead dog for. Imagine trying to get to sleep after that. You see now? You see how you’re the villain in this story?

    But, like, thanks, though. ‘Cause i like knowing there are people ilke you around.

  118. It’s awesome to have great friends like that who come to your rescue during an emotional crisis.

    Now the REAL trick is to figure out to make “cleaning out my closet” or even “painting my first floor” into an emotional crisis so you can manipulate them into helping with THAT stuff!!! Not you, I mean me. And I didn’t mean manipulate, of course… I just meant invite.

    I really shouldn’t say these things out loud at all, but then again isn’t that what blogging is all about?

  119. A true friend like that is really worth her weight in gold. On second thought, upon further inspection of the AWESOME photo Hailey took, Laura looks pretty tiny. I think you’ve got a bad bargain… 😉

    p.s. Ok. So chicken and egg question: Did you manage to get yourself friends who are just as hilarious and witty as you are or did somehow the funny virus get passed onto them once they’ve spent too much time with ya?

  120. Glad you’re feeling yourself again ……. here’s to many more good vibrations coming your way.
    Puns and innuendo totally intended =]

  121. one) I’m pretty sure you looked the word “disinterred” up
    two) last I looked the recipe for salsa did not include beer
    three) your friend laura is awesome
    four) you should DEFINITELY stop responding to emails, or feeling yourself, one of the two
    five) dogs are awesome too

  122. I’m so sorry to hear about Mr. Pickles…. That is a terrible thing to come home to. It’s happened to me before, and you never get over it all the way.

    On the other hand, I’m so glad you have a friend like that. You’re a very very lucky woman! 🙂 I’m always that crazy friend that does stuff like that (for my friends).

    Sending hugs and smiles and happy thoughts your way…

    Random 🙂

  123. Okay, I’m the worst semi-stalker/fan ever. I only just read your blog and realized that Barnaby’s gone. Man, that’s freakin’ awful. I’m so sorry. As Dave Barry said, “You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”.

    And I totally could have helped you with the disinterring stuff. Growing up on a farm in Africa means I have had to deal with some freaky stuff, and believe it or not, pet disinterment is one of them. So I could have walked you through it. I’ve also had to operate on a cow with bloat and extricate a machete from someone’s head. Just in case you need help with any of those in future (I hope not, they’re both kinda gross). Oh, and once I also had to convince a crazy person not to take the wheels off my truck and pile them on his deckchair/blanket funeral pyre sacrifice to the ancestors. For realz.

    Thinking of you…

  124. I feel like a dirty, insensitive asshole for laughing at this. I appreciate you finding humor in this shitty, heartbreaking situation. Thanks. But somehow, as an infertility blogger, I’ve found humor in dead babies (miscarriages, I want to clarify… I’m not *that* jacked up… hopefully). So, I guess I’m still an asshole.

  125. Laura, #assslap for digging up the dog body. You know who your true friends are when it comes time to move bodies.

    Bloggess, Christ on a bicycle woman, I have been traumatized just by reading the events of your life this week. I certainly hope your doc has up-ed the fucking Xanax.

  126. Is it odd that I think I’m more likely to lend a hand at “gardening” than actual gardening?

    P.S. I have been been giving extra squeezes to my cats since I heard about Barnaby Jones Pickles. I think I speak for all three of us when I say that we’re sending our love. Although it’s hard to tell with cats. They might be sending hisses. But that’s totally my fault, because I should have exposed them to more dogs. So let’s say at least one of us is sending love your way. But I will send enough love for all three of us. Also? My cats don’t actually speak, so I always have to speak to them. The woman at the shelter totally led me astray.

  127. Tell me why after seeing your version of American Gothic, I can’t get the “Green Acres” theme song outta my head!???!

  128. I’m so sorry about your dog – and yet, the American Gothic thing makes me want to laugh!

    Next time if you both wore all black it could just be “American Goth.”

    Not that I think you do this type of thing all the time. … Right?

  129. Don’t you love how we all seem to get what we need just when we need it, except sometimes we don’t, and we later find out there was a good reason for that, and then sometimes we get a little more than we need we later find out that we are totally unworthy of the excess?

  130. I hope by now that some of the grief has started to ebb away, being replaced by all the good memories that you have of Barnaby. Just wanted to let you I’m still thinking of you.

  131. Sorry about losing BJP, but really happy to hear a story about enduring friendship. You ARE luck.
    And next week will suck somewhat less (or more, but that’s the gamble we get to take).

  132. Oh my bloody god. How bad is that now only did you have to suffer the death of your dog, but you had to dig him up again, and put him in a box. You never did say what you did with the box…… Do I want to know?

  133. Yeah, BJ is happy to have had a mamma like you. Have you any idea how many dogs are up there all pissed because their mamma’s aren’t nearly as amazing as you? Seriously, would THEIR mamma dig them up? I think not. It would be allll vultures.

  134. Pingback: Good Mom / Bad Mom
  135. As the old saying goes: “A friend will help you move; a real friend will help you move a body. Let me know if you ever need a shovel.”

    Sounds like Laura is a really real friend. Hang on to that one.

  136. 1. This post is so sweet…what a great friend
    2. You gals are hot 😉 (no homo)
    3. I was totally thinking American Gothic too! 😉
    4. RIP Barnaby…finally, hopefully, really in peace…

  137. Your latest Barnaby Jones post made me look for this post because it’s one of my all time faves. There is just so much goodness here (in the face of sadness) that it makes my heart hurt in a good way. I think the BYOCuisiart is my favorite part.

  138. You have the *best* friend.

    You both deserve a champagne weekend and a medal. Make that a tiara or crown.

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