Oh. That was…unexpected.

You know what’s awesome?  When you’re having a crappy day and the doorbell rings and there’s a guy with a package that you need to sign for and you smile excitedly at him and you’re all “Awesome!  I love getting packages!” and he looks at you weird but you brush it off because Yay! Package! and then you sign for it and you start to reach out for the package and then you realize that the guy looks familiar and that’s because it’s the guy from the pet crematorium and he’s handing you a box full of your dead dog.  That’s awesome.  And by “awesome” I mean that I’m never answering the door again.

Comment of the day: I know exactly what you mean, because I got a package today too. Except mine was full of candy, not beloved cremated pet. If i was a unicorn, I would use my magical powers to turn Barnaby Jones’ remains into candy. I don’t know if you’d want to eat it though… ~ Jamie the Very Worst Missionary

Alternate comment of the day that is technically more of a “noise” than a “comment” but one that I want to remember for next time I have to send someone a sympathy card: [sad trombone] ~ Nanette

Sad trombone, indeed.

Updated:

Worst. Linkage. Ever.

Updated comment of the day: I couldn’t agree more about the inappropriate linkage. If cremating your dog isn’t going to work, then nothing will. ~ kyknoord

Bonus comment of the day because this post is very short and I need to pad it: This is what I like to do (besides black tar heroin) — Halloween time I buy one of those fake UPS or FedEx costumes and when either guy brings me a package I open the door in a rush and go “thanks I’ll take it from here!” and slam the door.  Will also get you a free pizza if you stock up on pizza company costumes. ~ Chris Illuminati

128 thoughts on “Oh. That was…unexpected.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Yep, that’d do it for me too. Dammit all to hell. NOW WHAT?!?!?! I forget what the big plan was. I love you. I really do…you can ask anyone – Carm

  2. Man… He should really have a like a sign that says that’s where he’s from and what he’s bringing just so people can mentally prepare themselves.

  3. Quick, someone deliver the Bloggess some flowers. Real ones, not the kind that are dug up in a yard. Too many reminders of dead dogs.

  4. There should have been a pre-arranged time for that to happen. By surprise is not a good plan. You think they would have learned that by now.

  5. my dog died in april and we still haven’t decided what to do with his ashes. i suppose i could send the box to that dude so he’ll be all excited until he finds out what’s in it and then he’ll know what it’s like and maybe be less judgemental.

  6. It’s kind of neat that the crematorium delivers. Then again… it’s a crematorium that delivers, and by showing up with your “package” they have inadvertently turned that knife counter-clockwise. 🙁

  7. Yeah, it kinda sucks, but at least the Dog’s home. When my cat of 18 years passed away, I placed him in a box, filled it with all the catnip I had (a Lot) taped it securely & wrote: In this box is the Best Friend a guy ever had! I’m almost ready to get another cat (after 3 years) I’m sure he (or she) will enjoy hanging out in the side yard with all the catnip growing & the ashes were placed.

  8. I am so sorry sweatpea. There is no way to soften the blow of that sort of delivery. Many hugs and kisses. xo

  9. I know exactly what you mean, because I got a package today, too. Except mine was full of candy, not beloved cremated pet. If i was a unicorn, I would use my magical powers to turn Barnaby Jones remains into candy. I don’t know if you’d want to eat it though…

  10. Death: The gift that keeps on giving.
    I’m all too familiar with that adage these days. Granted, my father-in-law wasn’t cremated and delivered to the house in a box, but, you know …

  11. you need a Butler love , so he can deal with all this crap and he is a good go between if the zombies come, that gives you time to grab the little one and a chance to put into motion your plan to protect yourself form the zombies.

  12. Well, I may show up someday with flowers, to thank you for all the laughs, so don’t say never, just install a peephole, so you know when. 🙂
    Hugs.

  13. Ooooh, honey! That’s not a pleasant doorbell at all! I’m sorry. Everything about this is difficult. :/

  14. Oh my. I remember when I got that phone call. I was running errands in Brooklyn, 7 months pregnant, and holding a banana. The phone rang, I answered and they told me that my dead cat of 16 years was ready to be picked up at our vet on 5th Avenue. That’s the last time I go answering an unknown number while out in public. Needless to say, I turned into a walking cliché—a walking cliché holding a banana.

    Awww look at the sad pregnant lady sobbing into her banana.

    I’m so sorry you are going through all of this, Jenny. Words fail me. I can’t imagine. I’m just so sorry.

  15. Wow… That seriously sucks! You should go order something from Amazon or somewhere so that you can get a happy package…. Wait. That sounds totally wrong. But you know what I mean…..

  16. Well I guess that’s one box the kids or cat won’t want to play in. You could always do what we did, because my family is a bunch of sick freaks.. when my older brother Dan passed away, he was cremated, and some of his ashes were put into little empty medicine bottles (because we’re too redneck to go for fancy urns or whatnot) and my remaining brother, myself, and father each got one.

    Thus began Where’s Dan Today? The small bottles are very portable, so Dan may end up on the computer monitor, or my car dash, or on the kitchen window sill while I cook dinner. Me (talking to Dad on the phone): Yeah.. Dan’s on the computer again. He really needs to cut down on that, it’ll kill him!
    He travelled with us as we drove cross country, getting his picture taken at Mt. Rushmore, Crazy Horse, and everywhere else we stopped. Yes, we are weird, and we use humor as a coping mechanism. Plus, it’s just damn funny.

  17. That is NOT the package you needed today. A box of diamonds would have been much better. I have been told they can turn cremains into diamonds these days, although the funeral home guy didn’t offer me that for my father the way Rosanne Cash describes the oily attempt to sell her that option for her stepmother. I guess they were just so glad I’d finally come to pick up the ashes they wanted me out the door fast (it had been a week since they started calling.) Riding a bus around NYC with my Dad in a box to bring him to my Mom was just sad. I put him on the seat next to me & wouldn’t let anyone else sit there. It would have felt too weird to have him on my lap, and I damn well wasn’t going to put him on the floor. Boxes full of loved ones suck.

  18. You should really consider hiring a butler. They take care of things like answering doors. (and I don’t mean that in the asshole way it might sound. I mean it sincerely and lovingly).

  19. Oof. I had to blog about my dead dog a couple of months ago. Then a friend’s dog died and I had to read about it on Bookface. Then your sweet Barnaby died and then I guess I should probably care about the frogs, too, so I’ll mention them, but, man. It’s really all about the dogs for me. Virtual hugs and all that.

  20. i think you’re looking at this entirely wrong. he’s a *crematorium* guy. that job *has* to suck. NO ONE is ever happy to see a crematorium guy and certainly never happy to get what he’s delivering. at night, he probably curls into a lil ball of “omg, this is the worst job EVER”…. until *today*. now everything has changed. all because of YOU. YOU were happy to see him. i bet he had a bit of a skip in his step as he left (no, that wasn’t his trying to run away from you).

    yep, once again… you’re my hero: ~making the lives of crematorium guys just a tad less sucky~

  21. I’m so sorry for your loss. We had to pick up the ashes of our cat that just passed away a little over a week ago. My husband went to pick it up and when I saw it I just sobbed.

  22. OH sweet jesus why??? I feel like he should have warned you or something. A phone call or a warning or something.

    There is now a man walking around being all “what the hell kind of person is excited about getting dead animals?”

    His kids are never allowed to trick or treat at your house.
    I’ll take their portion of the candy.

  23. UGH! I would LOVE to send you flowers and I would leave a note to just leave them on the front porch so you wouldn’t have to answer the door. But one of my best friends is getting married Saturday and the person who owns her reception hall is a dick. The last time we went to a reception at that hall my husband prevented the groom from taking a swing at the guy so he didn’t go to jail on his wedding day. We’re closer with this friend so we’re just planning on going to jail for them if that guy gets out of hand.
    So that’s why I can’t send you flowers.
    We need the bail money.
    I’m sure you understand!
    MUAH!

  24. When you scatter Barnaby Jones’s ashes, be sure that you’re facing downwind, cos the last thing you want is a faceful of BJ.

    Sorry about your dog. Seriously.

  25. I’m so sorry, dear.
    But now you need to find the grooviest cannister ever to put his remains in. (I put Shadow’s ashes in a dog bisquit tin, until I was ready to spread them, along with his collar, some trinkets. It became a treasure box, really. & I spread them out over time in places I knew he would be happiest.

    Remember, there are no rules. You get to handle this any way you want, need or can. All bets are off & grieving is important. When Shadow was dieing I wrote a journal full of every single memory I had of him. All the road trips, silly moments, everything. It helped & now I have that keepsake. <3
    dahlila

  26. The whole pick-up and delivery is a whole new service to me. Consider yourself lucky.
    Now give Barnabus a proper send off xoxox

  27. I had my dead dogs sent to my Moms house so I wouldnt have to deal with it. Now that I think about it that was 9 yrs ago and they are still there… I bet she’s lost them by now…

  28. p.s. If it helps any, I tried to rent a backhoe. I was determined to burry S in the park near my home–a city park. A friend had to talk me down off that one. Still, I totally would have done it. I put a tree there instead. 🙂

    dahlila

  29. Jenny

    Don’t be sad. Barnaby Jones Pickles is now home with his family. Ok, now I am sad, but happy sad that he is home with you all. All the best – and is Victor home yet? If so, it’s his man-duty to answer the door after the week you have had. Actually that should just be his man-duty in general. Boys are always supposed to get the door. It’s like a girl-rule.

  30. The remains of our dead cat, who passed in 2001, and our dead dog, who passed in 2008, are in boxes on top of the refrigerator. Siting there. JUDGING ME.

  31. Oooh, awkward, eeeek, sad too….

    This is why I do not answer the door. Except for the pizza guy, and I know he is coming becauyse I pay him to come. Often. Other than that I hide in the basement with the dogs and avoid people. My coccoon is heaven.

  32. Oh, that sucks. I got a package yesterday. Except I didn’t open it. Hubby did. And then he yelled at me, “Are you TRYING to get rid of me?” It was a package from Babeland. They sent me the Rabbit Habit to try and review. I squealed. And then jumped up and down.

    Not quite the same thing is it?

  33. The author of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day forgot to add that to the list of things that happened to Alexander that day.

  34. I told Tessa to pour my ashes into the fuel tank of a Peterbilt and send me up to heaven as diesel smoke. She said, “You’d get stuck in the fuel filter.” She has to take the romance out of everything.

  35. Once you realized what just transpired you should have just kept going with it and gave the guy a real show…. straight over the top like giving the box a great big giant lick, then said **thank you servant** in a evil sultry voice, closed the door and screamed like a banshee in heat. Now that’s humor.

  36. I got my cat Junebug cremated. No idea what to do with her ashes. She’s made it through two moves with me; guess I’ll bury them in Mom’s yard next time I visit.

  37. Had a similar incident when my dog Maddie (aka Maddie Waddie Ding Dong) died. About a week later a flower delivery guy rings the bell, and I, was excited because hey, it was FLOWERS and I never get flowers, how cool is this! I immediately read the card while the delivery guy was standing there, and burst into tears all over again. They were from the vet’s office.

  38. I’d still prefer receiving a dead dog in the mail than a box of live killer bees coated in anthrax.
    Thanks for the Christmas present, Aunty Bob. Not.

  39. This one time, my hubby and I were going to Ohio. We happened to meet an old friend of his at the airport, and he looked a little distressed. Turns out his dad had just passed, so that made sense. Then I noticed he was carrying a black bag. Like a computer bag. Not like an urn bag. He must have noticed me looking at it, cause he explained that his dad had wanted to have his ashes scattered in Ohio, so he was bringing him there. But airport security wouldnt let him take the urn as a carry on, so he put dad in a ziplock baggie in his computer bag, and checked the urn. True story.

  40. I always thought delivery people should wear coloured uniforms related to what they’re delivering rather than where they work. Happy packages, yellow, angry packages, red, sad packages, blue, dead dog, black.

  41. The very same thing happened to me. My delivery guy felt the need to tell me he breeds dogs and just had a litter I could buy from. Still not sure if this was kind or tasteless…
    My thoughts are with you and your family, very sad for Barnaby Jones Pickles

  42. Old joke from the Nam war: A goofy woman was being given a birthday party at her house by her husband and friends. The doorbell rings and she opens the door expecting to see more guests but it is a Western Union delivery boy who says ‘I have a telegram for you if you will sign here please.’ The silly person trills ‘ Oh I know its from my soldier son who is in Viet Nam and he knows I always wanted a singing telegram so please sing it to me.’ ‘Mam, I don’t think that would be apprpriate.’ ‘Well,’ says she ‘if you don’t sing it I won’t sign for it!’ The lad gives up, opens the envelope and begins a sing-song recitation:”Your son is dead, he won’t be home, he got it in the back at old Vinh Long. Shot in the back with a .225, if he hadn’t been running he’d still be alive. Sign here.”

  43. Oh fer… you are the only person I know whose life makes me laugh even when it’s not funny… except for my husband. His has always done that too – but in a morbid-sense-of-humor sort of way. Like when he and his sister only had a bag from The Body Shop to carry their Dad’s ashes in (true story).
    No opening the door again UNLESS someone called first and they are bringing their own happy with them… like a teeny tiny blender with an unlimited supply of mix & alcohol that go well with crushed ice or something.

    ((gentle sympathy hugs))

  44. Geez, the crematorium guy could have at least brought you something in a robin egg blue colored box with a white bow on it for all of the crap you’ve gone through. I suppose the guy gets some credit for ringing your doorbell and handing you the box. If it was me, I’d set the box on the doorstep, ring your bell and run like hell.

  45. If you email me your address, I will *totally* send you a package. I have no idea what I’ll put in it, but I’m sure it will be awesome. For serious, yo.

  46. Your life…sometimes it’s just almost too much to believe. Good thing I read about it first hand or I probably wouldn’t believe it if somebody was telling me this story.

    Anxiously awaiting the next post,
    Pam

  47. I think to cheer you up you should check out the Tyra show episode Strange Sex. (Don’t judge me.) It has a man who pumps 10 times a day because he wants to produce breastmilk to feed his kid. If that doesn’t make you happy (in addition to packages of dead loved ones of course) then you may be a lost cause. I have faith in you.

  48. This is what I like to do (besides black tar heroin) — Halloween time I buy one of those fake UPS or FedEx costumes and when either guy brings me a package I open the door in a rush and go “thanks I’ll take it from here!” and slam the door.

    Will also get you a free pizza if you stock up on pizza company costumes.

  49. I totally know that feeling and hope I don’t ever have it again. Same thing happened to me with my Dad’s ashes.
    Here’s a quote someone sent me that helped me through that rough time back then and I hope it brings comfort to you too.
    May the your happy memories of Barnaby Jones Pickles help you through this sad time.

    For it is in giving that we receive;
    It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
    It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
    –Saint Francis Of Assisi

  50. I had a friend who had something similar happen–when the package was heavy, she complained to the delivery man about how her brother was always ordering stupid car parts. He gave her an awkward look, and that’s when she noticed the return address and realized it must be her (other, estranged) brother’s ashes.

    My point is that you are not alone. I think that in times of loss and sadness, we all need our moments to forget and be human. Here’s hoping you have many more reasons to smile in the coming days. *hugs*

  51. I had the same thing happen to me last year. They freaking sent my dead dog via Fed Ex. And the place was a few miles from my house. At least forewarn me that you SHIP my dead dog to me or give me the option to pick her up. After I cried I was pissed. As hell. I’m sorry that happened to you.

  52. When my dog died I, in my grief, told the 24-hour emergency vet place that they could do whatever with his body after I said good-bye to him. The next week I got a phone call from our regular vet who was really pissed that I hadn’t sent his remains back to the teaching-vet hospital to let them do an autopsy & learn. As much as I thought that guy was a dick (especially considering we had already lost 2 other dogs to his “surgical technique”), it’s better than what happened to you. Of course, now I’m wondering what the hell happened to my dog’s ashes. Bet they just went to the landfill with a bunch of other pets. Poor puppy.

  53. After the craptastic last few days/months/year I’ve had, you’ve just made me scared to check the mail tomorrow. At least I know my dead dog(s) (2 in 3 fucking months Universe, you fucking OWE me) are buried with fruit trees soon to be planted next to them.

  54. I couldn’t agree more about the inappropriate linkage. After all, if cremating your dog isn’t going to work, then nothing will.

  55. That reminds me of the day I went to pick up Miss Kitty’s ashes. (I know the name is too creative) and the woman handed her box over to me but with all kinds of warnings about how they didn’t have a crusher in there crematorium and thought I should know that before opening the box that they so lovingly taped together with white medical tape, because they are thoughtful that way.

    Miss Kitty is still in her box next to her husband Shekky on display at my parents house. I thought they should be together.

    Never to be opened and scattered, they were indoor cats anyway.

  56. While I was reading I was expecting you to say you realized BJP wasn’t there barking at the door. Probably because that’s what both of my furry little lunatics do, and I’d miss it. I’m twisted like that.

  57. It would have been awesomer if you had answered the door in matching silk robe and turban, holding a martini, and shamelessy hit on the guy.

  58. Dude, haven’t you learned the whole peeking through the window thing? I don’t answer if I don’t know who it is (unless it’s UPS. They bring me shiny stuff). The one time I opened the door to a stranger? He repossessed our motorcycle. I learned my lesson on THAT one, let me tell you…

  59. Hopefully your family wont try to turn you into the family crypt keeper like mine did. After I got my mothers ashes, every family member that died and was cremated somehow I got nominated to take the ashes. … I refused…….. I’m like WTF people? There’s only room for one box of dead relative in the back of my closet. Crap.

  60. I used to work answering the phone in a pet crematorium, it was easily the must heartbreaking job I’ve ever done. It sucks but at least he’s back home with you now x

  61. I had an amazing dog once. She was a Retriever/Collie Mix. Her name was Chelsea and she lived to be 18 years old. She and my Mom were inseparable. One day Chelsea died and I got a call to come home, Mom was beside her self. I had our beloved dog cremated and for a whole year debated what to do with her ashes. Then Mom died. I turned to one of my sisters and said…’do you think they would let me put Chelsea in the coffin with Mom so they could be together in eternity?’ My sister turned to me and said…”Um…how big is she?” I looked my sister in the eyes and said…’she’s been cremated you nut and is in a little box.’ We did bury Chelsea with Mom and well everyone laughed at the funeral when I told them that we buried Mom with her dog 🙂

  62. I’m glad you found someone to finally cremate poor Barnaby Jones. Hugs to you and Hailey! BTW, when you said crematorium it reminded what my daughter told me the other day. She said that when she dies she doesn’t want to be “incinerated.” I pointed out that the word was “cremated.”

  63. I would totally send you flowers and maybe ballons (even though it is tacky) to brighten your day except you wont tell me your real address CURSE YOU RESTRAINING ORDER.

  64. NOT FREAKING COOL AT ALL !!! bad delivery guy, he should at least give chocolate and vodka with that box, stupid idiot. and the spam? I can’t believe that the necro bots haven’t hit you too? or have they and your keeping that all to your self?

  65. Just more substantial evidence that when bad mailmen die, they end up naked in a cage filled with pissed-off, very-large-mouthed foaming and snarling Rottweilers, Dobermans, pitbulls and Chihuahuas ( ankle specialists).

    Everyone knows this. . . .
    even though the mainstream media has been notoriously quiet about it.

  66. RE: The Update
    My dog was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago. As you can imagine, that was not a good day for me, and I found out first thing in the freaking morning and still had to work the whole day, and when I get home, I grab the mail, and what do I see? A letter from Best Friends Animal Society. Except the envelope is covered in pictures of memorial stones for pets and under my address is says “When it’s time to say goodbye…”
    WTF Best Friends! Are you TRYING to send me over the edge?!?! You’re out of my effing will! Fortunately, I can report that Winston tumors have not metastized. He goes for radiation treatment Monday to remove those bad mofos.

  67. If I had your adress, I would send you some cool stuff to look forward to. Chocolate maybe. Chocolate is always cool and makes people happy.
    Wow, this sounds stalkerish. But no worries, I’m no stalker.
    On the other hand, if I would be one I’d probably not tell you which you already suspected, I guess.
    But I really am no evil stalker.
    Well, evil maybe. Sometimes. But no stalker.
    I should stop talking before you get a restraining order and I guess they cost pretty much for online-oversea-stalkers (although, I insist, I am none) and I so can’t affort this.
    So, better no package to you before you sue me.

    I’m sorry about your dog and that crappy dead-dog-mailmain.
    Best wishes from your really-truely-not-stalker

  68. We adopted a dog from the pound who ended up liking to bite children. So we took him back and got a good dog. We were at a party and people asked me what happened to dog #1. “He’s a pile of ash right now, I assume” I said, and laughed. But for some reason that wasn’t funny to anybody. Just like it’s probably not funny here. Oh well.

  69. A neighbor once tried to incinerate her dearly departed canine petster in her Weber. As in grill. It did not go well; not only did the dog not cooperate, she ended up in the ER with scorched digits. I’m saddened by your loss but not impressed by your efforts.

  70. @Chris Illuminati OMG you had me laughing at my desk! I had to put my head down because I was laughing so hard at the image of a FedEx or UPS guys’ reaction when you take the package. OMG…thanks for the laugh.

  71. Well, that really sucks. I know at our house, it would have been worse since the delivery people never bother to wait and usually ring and run or leave it in our back porch. It could be days before we would discover it.

  72. Aw, Jenny, I’m sorry. That really is high on the awful list. Our dog died in April and it really is a very weird and sad thing. Sorry for your loss and that you will now feel alarmed when the UPS guy comes and that should only be fun (the delivery not the UPS guy). (Well, maybe the UPS guy although ours here are no great shakes).

  73. fail to understand why it says my last blog was new species of frog found in Borneo but, for the record, if the computer insists, I am more than glad to take full credit for locating said species and bringing it as my little gift to humanity.

  74. What the hell would they even make fake UPS – FED-EX uniforms as customes at Halloween? Who would have that as a first thought of what they wanted to dress up as? That guy totally bought that custome at the Sex Store where they sell customes for kinky sex role play. Like you know maid outfits or the cop uniform fantasy…or…so…I heard.

  75. I am so very sorry about Barnaby Jones. We lost our dog this past June, and I know how exhaustingly sad it is. I have nothing witty to add to your comments section, but I did want to let you know I am thinking about you.

  76. My parents had our family dog in an urn on the piano….even worse my friend’s dog died in December so they stuffed him in a large plastic tote until the ground thawed so they could bury him…..Thank go it was a festive Christmas one, otherwise that would have been creepy.

  77. I don’t like to laugh while I’m eating oreos. So I don’t think I will eat oreos while I read your blog anymore. Unfortunately I really like to eat oreos. So now I have to plans my reading strategically.. so it doesn’t interrupt my oreo-eating. Thanks a lot.

  78. I know this post is as old as a toddler, but I am sitting at home today, waiting for the pet crematorium delivery guy. And I just needed to say that to someone who I knew understood.

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