I’ll be back.

So today I had a total panic attack about how far behind I am on my book so I’m leaving town and I’m going into seclusion to write at the Gruene Mansion.  I promised Victor that I would buckle down and not play on the internet and I’ve been here for 30 minutes and already I’m on here but technically I’m just writing this post to explain why I’m not going to write a post so I think that means I win.  Or that I have some sort of problem.  Maybe both.  Also, I just want to point out that Texas is probably the only place where a room in an 1800’s restored ghost town that looks exactly like Miss Kitty’s room in Gunsmoke qualifies as staying in a mansion.

The point is though that I’m officially MIA and won’t be replying to emails or anything else so if you don’t hear from me it’s not because I’m ignoring you.  It’s because I’m in a town that consists almost entirely of bars and dance halls.  And because I’m working.  Probably both, to be honest.

This was a terrible idea.

PS.  I am officially shutting down the computer now and locking it away.  Goodbye forever.  Or for a few hours.

PPS.  Since we say “let’s” instead of “let us” to save time then why don’t we say “let’ce” instead of “lettuce”?  These are exactly the kind of deep, philosophical questions I hope to find an answer to this week. You’re welcome.

137 thoughts on “I’ll be back.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Good luck. If you can figure out which came first: the chicken or the egg, you will be my hero forever.

  2. Good luck with the book. Can’t wait to read it. Work in at least one scene in a bar and/or dance hall. And Miss Kitty.

  3. Oh no!
    Well, I hope you can get some work done. And relax. At the same time. I know this sounds impossible, but you should try anyway.

  4. Good luck. I hope you brought extra typewriter ribbon! And don’t leave in a snowstorm.

  5. I’m working on my book too. Should be finished within the week. It would have been finished five months ago if it weren’t for the internet.

    Stupid cute cats and boobs got me all distracted.

  6. Lettuce be lovers and marry our fortunes together. I’ve got some real estate here in my bag. Oops, sorry, I’m distracting you. Shhh…as you were.

  7. Look out your window! There is a crowd of adoring fans waiting outside just hoping to catch a glimpse of you on your laptop, me included! We hope you will come to the window later and wave slowly like you are Evita and we’re all from Argentina. You should notice me right away. I’m the one chowing down on a gargantuan-sized chicken fried steak from The Grist Mill. See me? See me? I’ve got white gravy in my “ahbrah-yows” (eyebrows, for those that ain’t from Texas). We will be here all night, so please do not be alarmed when you hear us singing “The Eyes of Texas” or “Who Let the Bloggess Out” (who, who, who, who??) around 3 a.m. We hope we aren’t disturbing you! We so want you to get that book done because we can’t wait to read it!!!!!!!

    I’m still in Houston. I just need to be sedated or something. Sorry.

  8. We’ll just tiptoe around here reeeeeaaaaaaalll quiet like.

    Just like mice.

    Mice not rats.

    Quit thinking about rats.

    You have plenty on your plate already.

    You’re not reading this are you?

    Good. Cause then I’d have to yell at you.

    And I hate yelling.

    Go write.


    I mean it.

  9. I know where you’re coming from – I just took a week off to do edits on my book, because actual paying work keeps taking all my damn time. You go girl!

  10. Let me get this right. You’ve gone off to a town alone, w/o hubby, where there is nothing to do but 1) write 2) go to the bar/dance hall.
    Okay, Ms. Kitty. Have fun. 😉

  11. Why would you need to abbreviate lettuce? Let us sounds pretentious. Lettuce sounds like roughage.

  12. I picture you sitting in that room wearing a big fluffy red dress with your Jersey girls makeup and froofy hair, typing on an old typewriter, ripping paper out of it and balling it up and throwing it into a wire wastepaperbasket while you slam one coffee after another, swearing…until Nancy pays you a viz and you get your groove and find your rhythm & the words begin to FLOW. It’ll come. Til then, we’ll all miss you.

  13. You should try writing your book during Nanowrimo. Write 50,000 words in the month of November. It really helped me buckle down last year. And I am the worst procrastinator/let’s put off everything person ever.

    Good luck!

  14. I always say that I”m going to shut the computer to do work around the house. then, OH I HAVE TO JUST CHECK A QUICK RECIPE!! then OH I HAVE TO SEND MY KID’S TEACHER AN EMAIL! then OH I HAVE TO ORDER THAT CHRISTMAS PRESENT…. AND SINCE I’M ON, WHY DON’T I JUST CHECK MY EMAIL REALLY QUICK.

    And, that’s how the first 5 minutes of my tunnel into blogging addiction usually goes.

    Do they have a 12-step program for us?

  15. Wow. you are in the big leagues with all those other writers who have gone into seclusion to create their master piece. What do you mean by shutting down your computer? Do you seriously write your book in pen and paper??!! Did you tell your editor about this?! I know you won’t see this…

    So am I really saying something if you are not here to hear it?

    Wow. We are getting really deep today. you know, like philosophically deep discussion not that other kind of deep…

    Cough cough. We will watch your blog while you are away.

  16. Actually I think we say “let us” to save time when we say “lettuce” or vice versa. It doesn’t really matter. Meanwhile, I really don’t like how your WORK is interfering with my fun in reading you. Did anyone even take that into consideration?

  17. P.S. You should never say “I’ll be back” during the month of October. Horror movie rules dictate you will run screaming through the woods half dressed being chased by a maniacal maniac. And it won’t be Victor.

  18. Thanks for the warning. Now I won’t have to panic when I go to your site and see you are not there.

    I’m going to imagine you in some sort of book writer’s monastery where everyone is sequestered to their rooms and not allowed to come out until sufficient work on their book has been done. Except for meal times, where you shall dine by candlelight, and only raise your hand when you want more, and not speak for the entire time you are there. You will don a white robe tied with a pale gray ribbon about your waist, and your hair will be pulled back in a bun, gentle tendrils falling around your expressionless face. Your room will have a small fireplace for you to burn a fire which may provide just enough heat to warm your room in the long, dark hours of the night, as you sit at the desk in the corner which has been provided for you . An elderly, hunched over gentleman will knock at your door every two hours to let you know he has left more wood outside your door for your fireplace and…

  19. NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    But *sniff* what about US!? Won’t you think of the children??!!



    Go finish your book so I have something to read during my ultra-productive work hours.

    And hurry up about it! You know, no pressure or anything.

  20. But you are The Blogess!

    Aren’t you sitting anxiously at your laptop 24/7? If not, shouldn’t you be? Don’t you want to? You KNOW you want to….

    Good luck focusing. I’ve heard about it, never tried it myself. Figured I wouldn’t care for it much….

  21. Good luck with the writing. I checked out the Gruene and it looks pretty spiffy, but I don’t see a desk in any of the rooms. Will you write lying down? Every time I try that, I fall asleep and lose another couple of hours. I don’t know…I think you need to come somewhere where it’s colder and almost ready to snow. Then you can hunker down and really write to your heart’s content. Go North, young woman, go north!

  22. i have a friend who told me that everytime she heard the phrase “let us pray” at church, she always pictured a head of lettuce on the alter going, “Our Heavenly Father….” etc….

    best wishes.

    i’d love to stay in Miss Kitty’s room. I’d do a young Marshall Dillon in a NY minute…..

  23. Yay! This is how I wrote my book. Guilt about spending money on a hotel room, and not discovering until the last day that they had Internet access. Fingers crossed for you, Peaches.

  24. I am going to miss you. Also, I am scared for you due to the other commenter who said they were coming for you and that you better have lube. That could be really good, or horrid.

  25. Wait — how do we know you didn’t post this under duress while being held hostage somewhere with both legs broken, like the writer in “Misery”? Next time, you should really include a picture of you standing on your unbroken legs holding up a copy of today’s newspaper in a public place, or something.

  26. Think of Ben Franklin. He could not have been the procrastinator I am. I like to hang quotes on the wall of my dining room, and this is one I desperately need. So, think of this as you’re writing your funny, wise yet awe-inspiring novel. “One today is worth two tomorrows; never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.” -Benjamin Franklin

  27. This Book better be worth a read if I’ve got to endure a week without one of your posts.
    Ps. Who did you leave in charge of “The Bloggess Army” during your absence. You know, just in case of another zombie apocalypse. Or are we expected to fend for ourselves. This is very, very bad. Without your leadership we are all going to die. Not good. Not good at all. I’m getting my riot gun out of the closet. Just in case.

  28. Good luck! I hope it’s as calming as it sounds, and I hope no zombies attack. I would hate for you to be in unfamiliar place when that happens. 🙂

  29. Think of Ben Franklin.

    He helps me when I procrastinate.

    Hang his quote on your wall.



    You’ll get there.

    “One today is worth two tomorrows; never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.”

    -Benjamin Franklin

  30. I feel like an enabler for even leaving a comment…as I leave that in a comment for you 🙂

  31. Awesome! I need to ‘hole up’ in a mansion somewhere. If I can’t write my book due to my irrepressible laziness, I’ll have a stand off with police. Writing a book or making a last stand against the police are pretty much the only two things you can do while ‘holed up.’

  32. Pooh- I was going to write something really witty (to only me) here, then I read about The Bloggess army….what’s the bloggess army? Can I join? Is there hazing rites of passage? I’m gonna have to read through your old blogs aren’t I? Sigh, if I must I must- please come back before I finish. Or actually right as I’ve just finished, yea that would work oodles better- thanks. Have fun! ((Productive fun ))

  33. Since you’re so good at finding haunted or ghostly places in which to write, I’m hoping you can help me out. See, I keep mentioning casually that I’m going to do that NaNoWriMo thing next month, but if I tried to do it here, I’d be driven to Amityville-Horror-esque levels of insanity.

    I need a haunted place to write, here in Vancouver. It must be completely spider- and scorpion-free, and well-insulated (I get cold easily). No broken mirrors and there must be not a trace of alcohol or hallucinogens on the property – so that I know for sure that any ghostly presence I experience isn’t due to the wicked blotter. Props for a continental breakfast included in the stay.

    Also, it has to be located within walking distance to a Starbucks. I’m gonna need someone to raise my kid while I’m there, too.

    Let me know what shows up in your research, kay?

    (good luck, woman)

  34. I know you’re going to miss the family like crazy, but I think its pretty sweet that you took your job all old school and said you needed to pack a bag and go stay at a hotel. A week where you get to eat room service, restaurant food and someone comes and cleans your toilet each day while the spouse stays home to grocery shop, open mail and deal with the regular life.
    Then you get to come home, plop on the couch exhausted, talk to the spouse about how productive your week was and eye the luggage in a way that says, “Wow, that sure has been heavy to carry around – would my loving spouse care to wash the stinky festering clothes inside?”
    The bonus for you is that you get to stay in sweats each day too, right? Let me live this vicariously through you…

    Wait.. how long did you say will you’ll be gone?

  35. This is exactly why it takes three solid days of work to get the 200 words I need to write every week written.

    There is a distinct lack of recipes and ideas for people trying to make (legally) edible body parts. Out of non-human things like chocolate. I don’t know, I eat enough of it, maybe I am part chocolate.

    Who is that nutter, and why am I looking at their Facebook profiles?

    …I don’t even know how I got to this video of two girls singing The Elements Song, in Japanese.

    BOOBs. So many boobs.


    Squirrel boobs?

    Pour another drink and get back to work, sir. Then huff some sugar-coated glue, sleep on it, and madly write/talk into the voice recorder/notepad you prepared on the night stand (it’s how all the best novels are written, just ask Stephen King. Or his semi-autobiography book thing).

  36. Of course you had to get out of your house to write. Dead squirrels, mold, renovations, scorpions, and so on. Who can write in such condemned conditions?

    Good luck unplugging. I hope the withdrawal symptoms aren’t too severe.

  37. good to know why you’ll be ignoring me this week. Now I just want to know why you have not been responding to my messages and emails the last few months. and don’t you dare call the police on me again or I’ll tell them where you are hiding

  38. Last time Tessa left me alone for more than two hours to write a book, I started drinking warm Jim Beam and listening to AC/DC. Story had desert combat scenes, land mines, fuel-air bombs and parables. It was awesome. She makes sure I’m supervised, now.

  39. Can I pre-order a signed copy of the book you haven’t written yet with a deposit paid from money I haven’t earnt yet?

  40. I’m 1000% sure that if you released a Bloggess Dictionary it would be more popular than the Collins English Dictionary. How could it not be with words like Lett’ce and Foxen?

  41. So it goes without saying that you will be missed during your absence – but since it’s all for the greater good, I think your adoring fans will let this one slide. But wait – don’t you write your book USING your computer? So wouldn’t you shutting it down and locking it away mean that you aren’t actually working on your book? Or are you going all arcaic and *gasp* – writing using a pen/pencil and paper?

  42. Bring me back something haunted. Like an old gun with the spirit of the last man it shot, or, like, an old… ummm…. pencil. Yeah, I don’t really know much about the old west. A haunted pencil sounds nice though. We could write cool notes to each other. Unless it’s the stabby-stabby type of haunted, like where it wants to kill you. In that case, just bring me a post card. A HAUNTED post card!! MUAH HA HA HAAAAAAAA!!!!

  43. I’m hoping that the ghost town actually has some ghosts. That way you could have a ghost writer and you could just go to the bar and dance. See it’s win/win!

  44. I’m no expert, but that looks like one haunted-ass hotel. I suppose there’s nothing like a good haunting to spur creativity!

  45. I wish you luck. I have at least 3 books waiting to be written locked away in the annals of my mind. (Annal…not anal, although I have been accused of being anal-retentive before.) Be sure to stop by the Grist Mill when you need food. Wildly good!

  46. Why don’t you take your laptop and do a float down the Comal? Since it hasn’t rained much, it’d be very relaxing, just you and your laptop in a inner tube. I imagine you’d get at least 3G coverage on the river and since it’s Monday, there’d be no rowdy drunks on the river.

  47. I was going to leave you a comment but then decided not to because you’re not going to read it anyway.

    So this is me not leaving a comment.

  48. This is kind of disappointing, because now I have to entertain myself. What the eff. THIS IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, JENNY.

    How dare you put this on me…
    Oh well. Off to post drawings of rocket houses, I guess.

  49. Wait, how are you going to work on your book with no computer? Are you HANDWRITING that sucker?

  50. You know when she doesn’t finish that book, the publishing company will sue her and we’ll all get sued too for aiding and abetting!

  51. I’m putting in my order now Jenny, so stop peeking at posts and start writing…and revising…and revising…and, well, you get the drift. Writing ain’t for the faint hearted.

  52. You are going to put that place on the MAP! You had better strike up some deal with that place right now because when your book comes out and everyone finds out your wrote (part of ) it there, that Mansion isn’t going to know what hit them. You are totally doing them a favor I bet. Make sure you get paid for it 😉

  53. I’ve never been happier to see the Bloggess disappear. Sort of. As if some things could EVER be forgotten.

  54. I’m n’t l’v’ng ‘ c’m’nt b’c’us’ ‘u won’t b’ r’d’ng th’m ‘nyw’y.

  55. Between 4 am and now I have had two halves of xanax and *some* red wine. I am just now feeling my panic subsiding.

    Your book? I will totally buy, which makes you like my family since the last book I bought was written by my cousin and was published ina big way. So there you go. Sister!

    ********************** (= time passing)********************

    Are you done yet?

  56. Good luck! I will be thinking of you, and not because you just made me feel guilty about the fact I loaf around on the internet most days instead of working on my drastically unfinished manuscript.

    Yeah. Thanks.

  57. OMG, Jenny! How can you possibly concentrate with so very many flowers and patterns and knick knacks and stuff around? I would go totally bonkers. Maybe if you work in the barn? Unless the barn is covered in fugly flowers too…but if it were, I’d think the horses would have kicked down the walls inside of a few hours.

  58. Good luck at Hogwarts castle then – where nothing gets done and no one learns anything.

  59. I like how tiny your hands are in your Azkaban picture. Is this all a facade so you can go off to a Tiny Hands Convention? If so, can you please forward me the information because I’d like to go next year!

  60. This is the worst time ever for you to take an internet hiatus. I need your help composing a heartfelt birthday wish for my husband that involves Mike Tyson (who shares my birthday) and Evander Holyfield (who shares his birthday). This is not a drill.

  61. You’re leaving?!??! For a few hours?!?!??! This simply won’t do????! How will I cope?? What will I do, when I check for a post and find there is no you?!!?!?

  62. Trying to figure out more vegetable abbreviations now, instead of working. Damn you Bloggess, damn you! I came up with p’snip. For parsnip. And pumpkan’t. For the opposite vegetable of a pumpkin. I’ll go back to working now.

  63. Is there anything you need me to do around here while you are *writing* in seclusion…you know stir the meth pot or something?

    Say the word, it’s getting cold in the North East an my hot rod could use a trip south, to the *Lab*, for some R & D.

  64. I haven’t commented in like…well, a super long time. BUT. I have an excuse. We (me + family = a “we”) moved from GA (not that you knew we lived there) to Denver! Colorado! Yay!?….I have no idea how to get anywhere? I had to ask our crazy real estate person where to buy groceries because I know THAT MUCH about Denver.

    She answered, “King Soopers.”

    Obviously…in hindsight…should have left that question alone.

    And happy book writing! I’m jealous…I want to live by writing a book (and by “live” I mean “get paid”)


  65. (I tried the “submit” button once already…if its broken and I’m commenting twice…well…FYI. I didn’t break it…and I copied and pasted the entire comment JUST IN CASE)

    All I was TRYING to say the first time I typed in this gray box was: I haven’t commented in forever (not that you’d know) because I just moved from GA (not that youd know that’ either) to Denver….and I had to ask our real estate agent where to buy groceries because I know zero about Denver…and she answers, “King Soopers.”

    Obviously, should have left that question alone….

    Happy book writing! Super jealous! But, congrats on the whole put-lots-of-words-together-thing 🙂


  66. Good luck with the former ghost town bars and dancing halls! The place doesn’t even sound good=)

  67. I’d be happy to take over your site while you’re away…consider it friendly site-sitting. What? Can’t blame a girl for trying………happy writing.

  68. A good bar is worth a lot but a good dance hall is priceless or so some dude at Mastercard tried to convince me. Don’t really know why he went that direction with me, just that he did. Kind of weird, like a bloody horse.

  69. Seriously, J, you have to come back…
    I have secretly been creeping onto your blog just to see if you had a moment of weakness. You haven’t.
    I’m disappointed in you.
    I’m now experiencing withdrawal from not being able to read any ridiculousness.
    I actually have to work on my stuff instead of reading your ridiculousness.
    I’ve thought of making up my own ridiculousness but seriously, it’s not the same without you.
    It’s only October 20.

    I’m not going to make it am i… even coffee doesn’t taste the same without you now, and that was my VERY FIRST ADDICTION, man.

    Well anyway, GOOD LUCK. And that place is AWESOMENESS.


  70. Just in case you were planning on referencing Homer or Bart Simpson you should know they are no longer Presbylutheran, evidently they are devote Catholic.

    It has to be true, I read it in printed words

    It is going to be a kick ass book! I can’t wait to read it

  71. Loved your tweets the last couple days! LMAO! (I would tweet back, but Twitter hates me, hides my @replies, and #hashtags. I hate Twitter now, too.) Glad you didn’t give up Twitter in Gruene. It’s sound lovely.

    Hope you didn’t really get bit in the face by a fox. That part doesn’t sound lovely.

    PS. Did you already have a couple of those beers when you wrote the PPS. above?

  72. If you get a chance, I have a few more philosophical questions:

    1- When you tell people that you slept with your Boss, why do they automatically assume that the two of you had sex? (Hypothetical, of course.)
    2- Are you back yet?
    3- This question is really just filler.

  73. Someone said once that man acts like a sheep when being in group, it´s good to be apart sometimes.

  74. Too many messages to read them all and check to see if plans have been made… if not, I am thinking

    Gristmille at say 6:30? 😉 All welcome.

  75. Going to a town full of bars and dance halls looking for seclusion sounds like a recipe for disaster. Unless your book is about hookers, booze and dancing. In which case it’s technically research. Which is freaking brilliant. Why didn’t I think of that? Per chance you need a research assistant?

  76. I need daily assurance that there are people who are as nuts as I am. Please hurry back to posting.

  77. OK, so it is the 22nd, and you posted this on the 19th. Awesome, hope your book is going well, but we really want you back now. I mean yes I am very excited about your book, but I do also love (read: need) my normal Blogess posts. Hurry back!

  78. Ear-plugs or noise canceling head-phones – it’s the only way. I’d recommend one of those hats with the ear flaps but you’d never get it on over the rollers.

  79. I love clever girls (noticed the link on the side), they are fabulous. I just discovered your blog, it’s sooo funny! I’ve heard of you often.

  80. i spent the week filling out a buncha stressfull redtape to go out on medical leave with anxiety. I need my role model back! I have xanax! tia

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