And then I got bit in the face by a fox. Or stabbed. Depends on who you talk to.

in functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap

I’m back.  I spent the week in Gruene (pronounced Green) working on my book.  Final list of accomplishments:

  • 11 new pages
  • Fell into the river
  • Bit on the face by a fox
  • Sat on a bar in a ghost town while dressed as an armed prostitute

Gruene is one of my favorite places on earth and you shouldn’t go there because you will ruin it.  Unless you go one at a time.  Then that’s fine.  It’s tiny and picturesque and live music fills the town all night in between the sounds of trains steaming past the river.  It was an abandoned ghost town for decades (apart from the one saloon/dance hall that has run continuously since the 1800’s) but now it’s a vacation spot/live music mecca and it’s bizarre and awesome.  Also, I’m not getting paid to write about it.  I just like it.

I stayed at the Gruene Mansion Inn which sounds really fancy except that there was no room at the mansion part of the Inn so instead I stayed in the barn house behind the Inn.  Much like Jesus.  Except that I had a private porch so I could look out onto the river while I worked and the only thing Jesus had to look at was a bunch of animal balls.  (Not because he’s into that.  Just because he was in a manger and they were probably all at eye-level.  Honestly, have you ever woken up on the floor of a barn?  There are balls everywhere.)  My barn room had no balls whatsoever but it did have an amazing claw-footed tub that I considered stealing but I didn’t because the owners are total sweethearts and also because it seemed to be bolted heavily into the floor.  Way to be untrustworthy, Gruene Mansion Inn.

The mansion part. Super fancy but probably hard to find your way to your room at 2am when the bar closes.
My room. Not as fancy as a mansion. Way better than Jesus' room.

The whole trip was completely awesome except for the day when I got bit in the face by a fox, but technically it’s not as bad as it sounds because the fox wasn’t actually alive at the time.  I was in an antique store and I bent down to look at a candle-holder made out of a deer foot but when I stood back up my face hit a taxidermied fox head and my cheek got snagged on its tooth.  And then I may have screamed a little, which caught the attention of the clerk who saw that I had a small hole in my face and I was all “I just got bit in the face by a fox” and he seemed unfazed, like that’s the kinda shit that happened all the time there and he got me a kleenex to stop the bleeding and apologized for not having a band-aid but suggested going across the street for a shot of whiskey to steady my nerves and kill the pain and then I decided to never leave Gruene because when someone blithely prescribes whiskey after you got bit in the face by a dead fox you know you’re in a good place.

I mentioned this to Victor when he called that night and he said that I really shouldn’t tell people I’d been bitten by a dead fox since a dead fox couldn’t actually close his mouth to begin with and I was all “So I should tell them what?  That I got stabbed in the face by a fox head?  Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds?” and then he agreed but probably not for the same reasons.

Then my friend Laura stopped by for lunch and as we were walking through the dance hall I said something to the effect of “OH MY GOD.  We *have* to go be prostitutes” and Laura was like “Um..sure.  Of course” because she’s awesome.  And also an enabler.  So we dressed up as saloon girls and straddled a bar and then Victor called and when I explained what we were doing he was all “WTF?  YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING” and I was all “Well, obviously you don’t understand the creative writing process” and then he sighed that “I’m-very-disappointed-in-you” sigh and I was all “STOP JUDGING ME.  I GOT BIT IN THE FACE BY A FOX THIS WEEK.  Or stabbed.  Something. Whatever.”

What I like about this picture is that you can't see the spot where the fox stabbed me. What I don't like about it is that it kind of looks like I'm an amputee and that my left kneecap has been transplanted onto my ankle.

Then the guy taking our picture tried to give us pointers on how to hold the guns and we were all “We live in Texas, dude. We’ve got this.”

Just fucking *try* to leave rude comments on our blogs, asshole.

Then Victor found out how much I spent on beer and pictures and he was unpleased but then I pointed out that technically I saved money on this trip because there was half of a taxidermied wolverine in the shop next to my room and I didn’t buy it because it was $225 and Victor said that’s not how “saving money” works and I was all “FUCKING WOLVERINE, yo” and then he told me it was time for me to come home.

It's weird that he's only half of a wolverine but I like to imagine that he's stepping out of a stargate. Onto an invisible tree branch. Apparently.

So I did come home.  But first I had to pack up and when I had my room door open a squirrel ran inside and I was all “Fuck.  Can I just leave this for the maids?” but then I decided that I couldn’t because that would be wrong and also because it would probably chew up the tv cables and I’d be charged for them so I tried to shoo it out but it hid behind the tub and so I decided to scare it out by stomping in the tub and bellowing deeply in the same way I imagined a bear would if a bear was in a bathtub and the squirrel ran out right as the maids were walking up to my door and I considered explaining that that wasn’t my squirrel that just ran out but I thought better of it because my explanations almost never work out well and that’s when I kind of wished that I had bought Chester A. Arthur because then I could have tucked him under my arm with a quiet dignity and I wouldn’t have had to walk past the maids alone.  Plus, I totally could have used him to scare the squirrel away.

Fuck.  Chester A. Arthur would have paid for himself by now.

161 thoughts on “And then I got bit in the face by a fox. Or stabbed. Depends on who you talk to.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Those are such great pictures of you! I hope the dead fox didn’t have dead rabies.

  4. I’ve stayed there too! Love that place. And I didn’t realize this whole writing a book in fancy hotels in Gruene thing was an option. I’ve been doing it while my kids eat cookies and watch Dora in the living room. I need to talk to my husband about this.

  5. If you like people prescribing alcohol for that, go to Scotland. When I was there they told me to drink for… Everything. I asked for NyQuil and it isn’t sold there and I tried to describe it and when I got to ‘it has some alcohol in it’ they’re like “WE HAVE SOMETHING JUST LIKE THAT” and then there’s scotch everywhere. They have a point, though, cuz after a half-bottle of scotch you really forget you’re sick. And if you throw up, that’s all part of the natural process, you know?

    And then you wake up on the floor of a barn. I CAN RELATE TO THIS POST ON *ALL* THE LEVELS.

  6. I wanna go to Guuene. Alone, so I don’t mess it up for you. But am I the only one who thinks Chester Arthur looks more like a badger than a wolverine?

  7. Have you been craving brains lately? I don’t want to alarm you, but dead foxes don’t bite, so there’s a pretty high probability that this was a zombie fox.

  8. Speaking of James Garfield – oh wait, you weren’t – you haven’t mentioned him since you moved and I was just wondering if he’s settled into your new home as well as the rest of the family. And by “settled,” I mean “fighting off killer scorpions and breathing in toxic mold.”

  9. There is nothing in this entry that isn’t awesome beyond belief. I wish I took trips this awesome. All of my weird vacations involve hanging out in hotels and feeding my drunk friends ice cubes so that they don’t dehydrate.

  10. You better start the rabies shots, wait do they carry rabies? I bet they are more than the wolverine so you DID save money even though you might die of rabies. The sacrifices you make to keep Victor happy. Take THAT Victor!

  11. i once chased a stray dog out from under my family home by “tap dancing” thru our home in the wee hours of the morning until said dog left the crawl space of our abode. it is a thing of legacy….

  13. I’m lying in bed with my daughters who were asleep- but then I laughed out loud so loudly that the 3 yr old woke up and is now hitting my head with a stuffed giraffe (toy not taxidermy ) your blogs should come with make you laugh out way too loudly warnings. Really. Also, glad your back – make the prositute with gun picture your book jacket picture, it rocks.

  16. I’m an Australian! and an insomniac! I’m kinda disappointed that you didn’t buy Chester. Not only would you have stimulated the economy, you possibly could have used him to stab/bite your husband. I bet he wouldn’t complain about your writing process then.

  17. I bet you got rabies. How long can rabies live in a dead fox? Does anyone know?….Anyone?

    Ok. Well, if you’re foaming at the mouth and walking funny, then you DEFINITELY have rabies. That, or you’re brushing your teeth while drunk.

  18. You DO look like an amputee in that picture! I love it! I want to dress up like a prostitute! Old-timey though, not modern crack-whore. That’s just sad. I think you look a lot like Blair Waldorf on Gossip Girl. I don’t even watch that show, but I see her on the commercials and I always say, “OMG, she looks just like the Bloggess!” Anyway, squirrels are a pain in the ass. You should have bought the half-a-wolverine.

  19. Sometimes Victor just doesn’t *get* your job. Or your brain. Maybe you should hold classes for him. “Bloggess 101: Taxidermy and FURIOUSLY HAPPY”.

  20. prescribing whiskey instead of a tetanus shot, sounds like my kind of place, esp since i’m considering alcoholism as a valid career choice… if i DO choose alchoholism, i’ll need one of those outfits complete with gun to make my husband be my patron…

  21. Love the pics…awesome blog!!! Pleased you got some work done…11 pages…thats heaps

  23. So.FUCKING.AWESOME. I NEED trips like this in my life.

    Also, as a scientist, I’ve decided that you were bitten by the dead fox. So there you go.

  24. Grey Street Girl might be on to something.

    Dead rabies is what starts the zombie apocalypse, right?

  25. I don’t know how you did it, but you just became my antixanax. Here I was, all sayin’ goodnight to Twitter, making sure you found your advice column again because that’s why I had to take the xanny in the first place and I see your special gift for insomniacs…duh, me. And of course, here I am almost sleepy, except not, because now I’m laughing my ass off, at the thought of Jesus laughing his ass off (can I say that?) as he’s reminded of all the balls he’s seen and at the image of you being bitten/stabbed by a dead fox. And now, I must go take another xanax and two benadryl. Thanks.

  26. Dressing up like a hooker in a saloon, with pistols. Now that’s kinda different. Not one of the highlights that makes the AAA tour book. You look mighty fine in your getup, but I will confess that your friend Laura fits right in like she belongs there. Must be the no shoes thing.

  28. That picture of you and Laura is so wonderballs, I can’t stand it. And unlike Bill, the previous commenter, I think you look every bit the hooker that Laura does.

    Dead fox bite, that should be worth some luck, right?

  29. i think i NEED to go on a vacation … i mean … i think i need to go “write a book” somewhere with you someday.

  30. I think it’s safe to say that you have officially made me want to vacation in Gruene! That sounds so magical—foxes, wolverines, and all—I’ll just be sure to bring my own shotgun. 😉

  31. That was awesome! I NEVER get bitten (or stabbed) on the face by a dead fox, so I am jealous as hell. Also, the pictures rock and Victor should be distracted enough by your cleavage that you can get him to agree to the purchase of Chester Arthur. Tell him you need the dead badger to defend you from dead foxes. And also to protect your cleavage from squirrels because you just never know what squirrels are going to do next.

  32. I am so glad I couldn’t sleep and decided to check the Internet to see who else was up! Those pictures of you are great. The whole trip sounds like fun.

  33. Most likely the teeth were not real. There are whole magazines devoted to buying fake animal parts. In need of a glass antelope eye or the rubber tongue of a bear? What? Like I’m the only person who grew up with a taxidermist father, had deer heads boiling on the stove, and played with brains on a regular basis. Pssh.

  34. If you had bought Chester Arthur, you could have started a vlog with him and James Garfield, where they talked about sex and love and stuff, only since they are stuffed, the camera would just bat back and forth between them like a tennis match. It would have been awesome.
    I’m very disappointed in you. This was not the right time to have resolve.

  35. Wow! The two of you made really really hot hookers! If the book thing doesn’t work out, it’s something to consider, no?
    And yes, definitely say you were bit in the face by the fox. No further discussion needed. Just hold your face while you’re saying it so people will think you’re crying and too traumatized to elaborate.

  38. Chester Arthur should totally be at home with you and James Garfield. It’s a sign, a sign, dammit!! I’m not sure yet what it symbolizes, but probably it would protect you from future attacks by dead foxes, so clearly Victor doesn’t think you need to be protected from dead foxes. Which just proves that Victor has not been paying attention!!

  40. Seriously, why can’t people understand that not spending money IS saving money?! My dad always makes fun of me about this. Obviously Victor is incapable of understanding your high level of business savvy. His loss. One day you’ll have saved enough money to buy your own, life-size velociraptor and then we’ll see who’s throwing stones.

  41. (AKA @09thehippy.) Really glad to see that you made progress on the book. You have shown an incredible amount of restraint staying off of twitter. By my account I think you managed a 19 hour stretch without a single tweet. Very proud of you.
    I must say it was a unexpected treat to come home this afternoon and find this post. Australia thanks you.
    PS. The Texas rose photo of you by Chookooloonks is Simply brilliant. Always makes me smile when I see it. Which makes me think that you should release a series of Bloggess desktop background images for your minions too worship you by.

  43. So glad to have you back. Read your post on PNN about Nancy and, I have to say, my heart broke. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been dealing with all of this. When I first found your blog a few months ago I read every post in about three days. Nancy’s were my favorites. And the post-its between Victor and yourself. Loved it.

    Thanks for sticking it out for your fans.

    Love – Your non-gum-sending-advice-seeker.

  44. LOL @ he’s stepping out of a stargate. Not lol as in, I’m too lazy to write a real comment lol, but lol as in I freaking laughed for like five minutes because he’s STEPPING OUT OF A STARGATE.

  46. HOT mama!!!
    You’re the best. What more can I say. Good stuff!! Way to go on getting away & getting those pages done.

  47. Dead fox with undead rabies?! See, THIS is exactly how zombie apocolypses (apocolypsi?) are started. Way to go, Lawson. Way to go.

  48. When I was small my grandparents lived in a mansion…that was attacked by squirrels. The squirrels would plaster themselves against the windows and climb the screens trying to get in and eat our faces. I was lucky I survived. You are lucky you survived. What if it was a zombie squirrel?

  49. Chester A. Arthur is pretty much the best name ever. He sounds like a pedophiliac which would normally not be good but in this instance would be awesome because you wouldn’t need an alarm system in your house anymore because who in their right mind would break into a home with a pedophiliac wolverine coming out of a motherfucking stargate?

    That is exactly how saving money works.

  51. and ya.. i wanna tame chester.. next time you go to gruene or whatever..please bring it along with you but please dont wear that horrible dress again . you look like a princess with huge boobs.lol

  53. I’m glad you got your mission accomplished and buckled down to do some work on your book. I absolutely love your description of the little town you stayed in and imagine you gave them a run for their money. I’m sure you were glad to get home to your family. Hope that book is huge success sweetie! Have an awesome weekend. BTW…heard you were pissed about PNN. Not sure what went on but it’s back up! Make sure you put antibiotic cream on the fox bite!

  54. Chester A. Arthur would look great in a little cravat, with a pipe dangling from his snarling mouth. You’ve missed out Jenny. You need to twist Victor’s arm…

    PS When did you fall into the river? And after how many shots of whiskey?

  55. Right. Fuck my family. If I ever go to the states, I’m going to Gruene.

    Also, thanks for the tip on it’s pronunciation. My brain has been saying it like “groin” the whole time 😛

  59. OK, did you fall into the river before or after the fox attack? Also, WHY did you not by Chester Arthur??? He would have made a great front door ornament.

  60. I love everything about this post. But, sadly for you, I’ll be booking a family reunion in Gruene with thousands of my closest 5th cousins thrice removed. Sorry, you just make it sound so appealing! Dead animal attacks! Whores! Whiskey! Barn balls! Without balls! Please be careful about falling taxidermied lynxes (lynxi? linuxes?). I understand they are much more deadly than foxes (foxi? Foxy Brown?)

  61. Wow, I’ve never been bitten by a taxidermied animal. But I once worked in an office with a bunch of taxidermied animal heads on the wall, and part of my job was to dust the heads. You lucky skunk.

  63. i’m nervous that not enough people are paying attention to the whole ‘dead rabies = zombie apocalypse’ angle. because that’s the start. if you had taken chester a. arthur home with you, you could have BOTH escaped through his stargate when it happens.

    ALSO. falling-into-the-river story was not forthcoming. so i’m guessing it was either really lame and run of the mill falling-into-the-river, or so epic that it deserves it’s own blog.

  64. I was watching Dora the explora late-night (I needed to know how to spell those book bags that are all strappy and go on your back sometimes baring gif (s) of the whole ordeal)

    Even wearing a backback covering up my bareback every window I crawled through had some old skool 1980 London Fog jacket they claimed was water proof claiming a lot of laws are in effect that deal specifically with plaid jackets, wool or not pulled over/under mommy/daddies eyes

  65. I think my dad’s taxidermy side business would have thrived more in Gruene… (and perhaps also had he stopped doing birds because his birds always looked sort of post apocalyptic…)

    Someday I think I’ll have to make a point to visit Texas because it seems very lovely (I’ll come alone.)

    Did it help the writing to be alone? Well, except when you had company? I very often fantasize about being alone in a cabin and writing… whether I would actually do it or not I don’t know…probably just end up painting my toe nails and reading novels or something…

  66. Well, I have to admit that I’m relieved that it was a dead fox that bit you. After you tweeted about being bit on the face by a fox, I was starting to picture you in a “this could only happen to Jenny-the-Bloggess” version of When Animals Attack.

    Now that I think about it, it *was* a “this could only happen to Jenny-the-Bloggess” version of When Animals Attack.

    Good job!

  68. OMG!! You were only 13 miles away from my silly ass! I live in Seguin. I know New Braunfels and Gruene like the back of my hand. I can’t believe you were in my own back yard and I didn’t know it. Damn!

  69. If you want to start a collection, I will donate a dollar to the Chester A. Arthur fund. He and James Garfield should not have to be separated!

  72. This post was like poetry. I am smiling like an idiot, with tears in my eyes – half laughing tears / half LOVING the experience of reading you tears…. like I just can’t believe there really IS a YOU.

    Maybe it’s just withdrawl symptom relief. 🙂

  73. Glad you were productive in your time away 🙂 I imagine the list at the beginning of your post reads like almost every other small vacation that you experience??

  75. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself that I’m not from Texas because I don’t know the first thing about holding guns. In fact they scare me. So your terrifyingly beautiful prostitute gun picture will haunt me ever more, ever more.

  76. LOVED THIS POST! Now I totally want to visit Gruene, drink beer and have a photo taken with me posed as a prostitute. That would be epic. I’ll look for the face eating fox too, although after this post he’s probably been purchased by your adoring fans and is soon to be given to you as a Christmas gift. Seriously, we have to think of Jesus don’t we? But you had me at beer in a saloon!

  77. Strange to read this because, while I haven’t been stabbed by a dead fox, I have been carrying two stuffed squirrels around town with me for a video I’m working on. Because I find it difficult to talk directly to a camera but easy to talk to a taxidermed squirrel named Robert Burns. Though now I think I’d feel even more comfortable dressed as a saloon prostitute while Robbie and I dish about beer. Hmmmmmm.

  78. You should have left the squirrel for housekeeping. Depending on who came to clean, you would have provided dinner or a new taxidermy wall ornament.

  80. Oh Jenny, nobody’s looking at your ankle-cap! Not with that rack!

    Glad you had fun and saved money! And that you realized we would all riot if you didn’t post something as soon as you got back. Seriously, we talked about it at the zombie apocalypse meeting this week.

  82. Thank you for the inspiration. I recently moved to Austin and I’ll have to visit this little town and see what high jinks we can get into while there. I am definitely going for a saloon hooker picture and since we are Michigan alumni I definitely have my sights set on Chester Aurthur although I’d like to call him Dennis Rodman.

  83. I have never before considered writing a book. It has something to do with not having anything to write about. However, now that I know what is involved, I’m not going to let something as trivial as that stop me!

  84. Foxes, flouncy dresses, firearms, a face-to-face encounter with Chester A. Arthur AND measurable progress on your book?

    Does this envy make my butt look big?

  85. You and Laura look hot! You were probably very popular saloon gals in another life. 😉

    Victor should have let you get Chester as a condolence prize for being bit in the face by the dead fox.

  88. Those pictures are totally all sexy, gorgeous,and bad-ass all rolled into one! I agree, that damn fox bit you. There’s no doubt in my mind. Little bastard probably thought you were too good-looking and wanted to scar you for life, only he doesn’t know just how sexy a battle wound is and he’s still laying in that shop *waiting for a home* – haha to you, mother-fucking face biting fox!

  90. I’m going to start writing a book right *now* because it looks super fun. And I’ve been dying to go to Gruene for the music and, now, the whiskey.

  91. I knew there was something missing in my life, something nagging at me that I couldn’t put my finger on. I now realize that I was always meant to have a saloon girl outfit – not a Halloween version, but one of those legit corset jobs, like in these pics.
    Or maybe its something else missing, like a steady income – need to think about this some more.

  93. i love hearing about Gruene…i was in NYC for the first time and wound up at a bar in Brooklyn called South. they had a pic of Gruene dance hall on the wall…it was cool to go that far from home and see a pic of a dance hall that’s less than half an hour from my home…

  94. You know what I love most about your blog posts? I can point them out to my husband, who reads them and is grateful that I’m not maximizing my full crazy potential. Thank you.

    I hope you washed your fox bite wound really well. Dead mouths are full of zombie germs.

  95. I absolutely LOVE Gruene! I’ve only been there once for the annual Texas Clay Festival several years back, but it’s gorgeous and an awesome place to be 🙂 Glad you had a blast and those pics are HAWT!

  96. Ummm…Chester A. Arthur’s a badger, not a wolverine. Sorry! Also? Gruene R O C K S!!!

  97. Dudette, I am so worried you might have contracted some kinda zombie rabies like ailment from that STOOPID mouth breathing fox.

    …no, seriously. Maybe? Idunno. I’d call a Dr. Vet, a Dr. People, or poison control to be sure. Really.

    H1N1 is still out there somewhere, too.

  98. Victor is NOT doing the math here….1/2 of a wolverine = 225 HENCE 1 wolverine =550 …You buy Chester you save 225.00 and get a free stargate…how can you go wrong ?? Should the stargate kick Chester loose..HOLLA !! Free half a wolverine !!
    I sure hope you are in charge of the financial decisions at your house because Victor is going to save you into the poorhouse !!
    (No offense there Victor…math IS hard !!)

  99. He looks like a hissing badger who’s is doomed to roam the earth in pursuit of his long lost aft end.

  101. The ass of that wolverine has sublimated into stardust, by now. Some of it may be a greenhouse gas. We may be breathing wolverine ass as I write this.

  102. Funnily enough, I’ve had a similar armed prostitute amputee experience. Maybe the folks that work at those places pass the time by finding the best way to visually amputate limbs.

    And, may your next vacation be full of balls at eye-level.

  103. “We may be breathing wolverine ass as I write this.”???

    Thanks a lot, Fred. Can you also grace us with some conjecture about what bodies and organs the water that we drink may have passed through over the course of history?

  104. What is it with angry, dead animals and their ferocious attacks? I once got sliced and diced by a shark jaw while on vacation. I have a scar from it and I like to point it out to people and tell them I survived a shark attack. It’s amazing how many believe it.

  105. That picture of you and Laura is AMAZING. I love it so much that I didn’t read anything after I got to it, which means I didn’t read anything except your bullet points because sometimes I scroll through the pictures before actually reading the content in your posts. Sucks though, because I really did want to know want to know about the circumstances surrounding a fox biting you on the face, and now I never will. Thanks.

  106. You were seriously a prostitute in the wild west with a gun fetish in your previous life weren’t you? I bet you had Chester Arthur as a pet then and he’s bitten you because you left him behind to be stuffed and wall mounted. With your amazing squirrel skills I’m pretty sure you were also Doctor Doolittle. Damnit, your past life was way more interesting than mine. Pfft.

  107. I adore you! I’d totally marry you if we weren’t both married and we weren’t both girls. But we would totally never leave any bathroom ever because all the anxiety and crazy in one spot would cause a black hole of cuckoo and we’d be sucked into it and then we’d probably be caught in a time loop somewhere in space and never escape but that might be awesome.

  108. Dude. Chester could totally pay for himself by being your Christmas card this year. He and James would match nicely sitting on my mantle. WOLVERINE!

  110. I laughed so hard reading this my husband–humourless because the Phillies just blew the chance to go to the World Series–snapped at me, “What the F*CK are you reading over there?” I replied, “I’m reading the *snort, snort, snort*!” Yeah, I couldn’t even get it out because the idea of you getting bit on the face by a dead fox and then dressing as an Old West prostitute was so g-d classic I couldn’t stop laughing, so I started snorting.
    Seriously, woman, your blog should have a warning label. Also, I have a weird straight girl crush on you now.

  111. You two are Gorgeous! I loves the corsets. I’d totally pay to have sex with you if you were real prostitutes and we were in the Wild Wild West. Until I remembered that prostitutes could be diseased that is. Then I’d probably not have sex with you. But by that time you’d have my money anyway. And then we could just sit and talk about dead animals. Such as, “I like the badger you could have bought. I have a skull of an unknown animal beside my bed. I haven’t named it though. So it’s unknown and unnamed. Which is kind of sad until you realize that it could have been discarded in the woods but instead is in a place of honor in someone’s bedroom.”

  115. “… because explanations hardly ever work out.”

    That right there is solid gold. LOL Probably more true for you than for the average bear.

    I love the gun photo on the bar. Not enough to hang it on my wall or anything – that would just be weird.

  117. Hey! I’m a Texas girl too!

    I’m so glad that when you became a prostitute, you used protection. What is that; a Colt? hee hee

    I’m sorry you got attacked by a dead fox. I was attacked by a dead sheep in a store in Colorado one time. Don’t try therapy…it doesn’t work!

  118. There are people who just don’t understand about saving money. I just spend $70 on a Buffy the Vampire Slayer set. It used to cost way more but Amazon had a special for a few days. My husband sees it as spending $70 while I see it as saving about $50.

  119. Hysterical! I don’t know which description sounds cooler but you totally got attacked and have every right to brag about it. I blame a scar on my chest on a ninja attack in a parking lot but that’s only semi true or I dreamed it, so I’m totally jealous of your true story.

  121. That wolverine was a slammin’ deal – I just looked up taxidermied wolverines and this site charges $750 for them and they aren’t even coming through a time/space portal on an invisible branch. You probably LOST money NOT buying him. And a friend. You lost a friend.

    You really need to learn to assert yourself with Victor.

  123. Love the pics and that place sounds awesome! And glad it was a fake fox because having some weird disease would have sucked. Also glad it wasn’t a chupacabra. Although it looks too green for that. Ha ha, I made a funny.

  124. Did they even wipe off the fox’s teeth? I mean, if he’s bitten more than you there has to be lots of germs on there. Hope it was nothing contagious. Good thing they recommended alcohol.

    PS. You look great as a prostitute. I mean, in the prostitute outfit. Makes your figure fantastic.

  125. I am jealous because 1) you are on a writing retreat to just write 2) you look awesome in that wild west ho outfit – whereas I would look like someone’s mom 3) and the whole book thing in general.

  126. WORD! to what you said about when someone nonchalantly prescribed whiskey as medication.

    I won’t even try to come up with any witty comments. I will just use this word that has been used to death, like a very popular prostitute in her hay day: AWESOME!

  127. F*ck. I meant the word AWESOME has been used to death like a very popular prostitute. I did not mean that I am going to say awesome like how popular prostitutes in their hay days said awesome. Frankly I have no idea. Well, I guess it could be true. They could have been popular because they said awesome a lot. I wouldn’t know. I have never been popular.

  129. I heart you more than life itself right now. I’ve been trapped in my condo all weekend. Not because I’m being held hostage or anything. Because that hostage taker would be in for a rude awakening when he/she realized no one I know would be able to pay a ransom. Well, isn’t having a wicked head cold on a weekend just about the same as being held for ransom? So yes, back to the beginning. I’ve been trapped in my condo all weekend because I’m being held hostage, by a wicked head cold.

    And to top it off my bf, the immature douche pickle that he is, has chosen to ignore me and go out with his friend and watch movies with his friend and basically anything that does not involve making me tea, bringing me drugs or caring about my well being. So, as I was laying here in my own self pity I read your blog and I feel as though I have been resurrected from the dead. I guess they’re right, laughter is the best medicine. Well, technically cough syrup with codine is the best medicine but laughter comes in at a close second. So thank you. And I love you. And next time I’m sick I’m just gonna have to come to Texas to find you and sleep in your guest room so you can make me laugh at hourly intervals till I feel better. Hope that’s cool.

  131. I love reading your posts. I’m sitting here at 2 a.m., just catching up on your “going-ons” and I’m doing my usual “chuckle” here, “chuckle” there, with a couple of back-head-tosses and a “ha!” thrown in. Then I get to the very end, “Fuck. Chester A. Arthur would have paid for himself by now” and I crack up hysterically. Why? Because it just sounds so freakin’ logical to me–and the fact that your “logic” makes sense to me is so scary that it makes me laugh!

  134. Those pictures are gorgeous! And, I seriously can’t believe you didn’t buy Chester. He’s ridiculously awesome, in a dead wolverine’s half torso type way.

  135. Your boobs look awesome in that dress. No, I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  136. Chester Arthur is my great-grandad’s name, and I seriously considered it for my son. It makes a much better wolverine name, though. Doesn’t everything?

  137. Dude I didn’t see the whole Jesus/Bloggess connection but now I get it. You should totally start your own church!

  138. Speaking of being stabbed, last month I was stabbed with a bass. Not by, but WITH A BASS. I was holding this 5 lb bass (which sounds small, but google pics, they’re freakin’ huge!) and a classmate came and took him from me and in the process he totally stabbed with it. I bled all over the place. Don’t worry, though. Karma totally got him back because last week he got shocked by the backpack electroshocker when we were collecting fish in a creek. It was awesomely satisfying.

  139. Obviously Chester Arthur is stepping out of a stargate circa 1995, where he died his fur purple with a pitcher of grape Kool-Aid. Because that’s how we rolled back then.

  140. You yell Wolverines, and I think I can’t love you any more… and then you put that bit about the stargate in… Oh, Jenny. Thank you for your awesomeness!

  142. Best Line! “and then I decided to never leave Gruene because when someone blithely prescribes whiskey after you got bit in the face by a dead fox you know you’re in a good place.” It doesn’t matter how long I’ve been gone I know that any time I come by to visit you will crack me up! I love that.

  145. I am still trying to do the math in my mind about how you are like Jesus. I mean, there must be more similarities here besides the barn thing.

  147. a professor thought I worked for the school and hit on me the other day. I was giving him a dead bird I’d found. he offered to have it taxidermied for me. win.

  148. You know, I was having a pretty shitty morning and then I read your post. I laughed myself silly and into a slightly less-shitty mood. Thank you for that.

  149. Thank you because now I know the price of a full wolverine…approximately $550.
    PS I hope your face gets better and I am happy you didn’t get rabies (I hear it can lay dormant).

  150. yowza very hot pic.

    did I really just say yowza? well write cus saying it as I typed it would be weird right…..I’ve had run in with a zombie fox so hopefully it really was dead and not undead I guess we’ll find out soon enough

  151. Your post is hilarious! I also have a picture with a friend in the same type of whorish clothes with guns, which we took at a souvenir store at Niagara Falls. It’s so racy yet adventurous. I was glad I took it and you look like you did, too. 🙂

  153. Love your trip and the story you tell. Sounds and looks like such a gorgeous place – so wishing I could take a trip away to write a book! Sometimes I feel like I would get so much done if I didnt have a baby and a man to look after…oneday!

  156. 1. You were ice in those pics.
    2. Victor needs to lock you in your office and not let you out until you slide five pages of book under the door each day for as long as it takes to finish.
    3. He should disconnect the Internet while you are in there and probably nail the window shut.

  160. You sound like alot of fun and that your stay at the Gruene Mansion was memorable….
    P.s. you looked Great! in that prostitute costume.

  161. You sound like alot of fun and that your stay at the Gruene Mansion was memorable….
    P.s. you looked Great! in that prostitute costume.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It's like I'm stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

MY INSTAGRAM

This month’s book club picks are fire. For @fantasticstrangelings we have Lucky Red by @claudia.cravens and for @nightmaresfromnowhere we’re sending you Dead Eleven by @jimmyjulianobooks
Advice from Dorothy Barker: Go outside and find the sunset. Touch the grass. Bark at squirrels. Pee aggressively while staring at the neighbors. Eat a bug. The usual.
Instagram makes suggested reels based on old content and I assume most people have beautiful vacation photos or wedding compilations, but this is what they suggested for me.
Sitting in ihop after graduation and “who’s gonna drive you home” comes over the sound system and now I’m lightly weeping into my pancakes but I’M FINE.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: Just read it. Trust me.

%d bloggers like this: