My friend Neil sent me a link to strange pictures of century-old Halloween costumes but it was this picture that really caught my eye because it’s basically a party game where you put a bunch of children in a room with an open flame and also you put the candle on a low table on top of a rug that’s made out of what appears to be the most easily combustable material ever, which is on top of another rug for some reason because apparently just one uneven rug wouldn’t be unstable enough and then you blind the children with blindfolds that I can only assume are soaked in lighter fluid and napalm. Awesome.
This is what I was thinking of at Hailey’s Halloween Carnival which featured such amazing games as “stand in line to dig for candy in small pile of dusty hay on the sidewalk”. Time’s up when you find a piece of candy or have a severe asthma attack.
Also, this is what Hailey dug out of the hay pile:
**********
And now for my (two-weeks late) update on what I was doing when I wasn’t here:
What you missed on Ill-Advised:
What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):
What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
- Bad-ass girls
- Hailey’s vaguely inappropriate Halloween costume.
- “Pretty”. A reminder to us all.
- She has a point.
What you missed on the internets:
- I convinced my friend Karen to come photograph me for a SexIs Magazine covershoot (out next year). We did the shoot in a studio above a saloon that advertised badger fights and live alligator pits. Then I ended up walking though downtown in a bondage corset. If we didn’t live in rural Texas all of this would probably seem odd. Sneak peak of some behind the scenes shots here.
Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
this is nice…omg love you goddess
I think children should still be forced to play the “set your children on fire” game. Except instead of a game, it’s what they use for school elections. Who ever’s smart enough not to get set on fire is clearly smart enought o be a class representative.
I love the photos of you. You look awesome.
I saw that candy at the store and thought it was hilarious, especially because I can’t find candy cigarettes for sale.
I loved the “Pretty” clip. I’d never seen it before. I sent it along to a friend.
For every story I have ever written, I try to come up with the most outrageous and weird names. I don’t think I have EVER named even my characters anything posted on that “stupid names” link. Yikes.
Also, love love love Hailey’s costume!
If you think the STFU Jesus meme is awesome, check out http://www.bibleriffs.com. Just don’t be drinking anything when you read it – unless you like the sensation of liquid spurting from your nose.
Glad I’m not the only one who sees the danger in the candle game.
I just finished a marathon read of EVERY POST EVER ON THIS BLOG, Jenny, and I just have to say that you are amazing and wonderful and inspiring. Thanks for being so terrific and making me laugh till I cried.
Nothing like good safe Halloween fun, lol.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
I’m not quite sure what the game entails. Does it have something to do with lighting farts. The kids’ facial expressions would suggest it.
Holy shit, Hailey is the scariest 6-year-old vampire I’ve ever seen!
When I was 7, I went dressed as Bram Stoker’s Dracula and it was awesome.
Our local beer joint was open to the set-your-buddy-on-fire game. If you leaned over for a pool shot and stuck your ass too close to somebody with a lighter, you got your ass burned. Pants almost never burst into flame.
Oh for the love of pug I can’t stop giggling. Coincidentally, I’m wearing the exact same bulbous skirt. Or maybe that’s my ass. Let’s go with the skirt.
Favorite Halloween post. Thanks you, Bloggess, for rockin’ my oldy time, parlor-game related needs.
Kids digging in the dirt for candy?
That sounds like some kind of child labor law violation…
You know there are so few really good parlor games anymore. The killjoys have just ruined them for the rest of us.
That candy totally looks like a dick and balls. I’d have laughed too. Of course, I also laughed during Titanic when that dude fell off the boat and bounced off a propellor. Everyone else in the theater was crying, so I kind of felt like an asshole, but still. Corpse bouncing? HIGHlarious. As is candy in genital form. With nut allergy contraindications.
Wow.
That picture takes me back to the “Bobbing for Shards-O-Glass Incident of 2003.”
Apples just seemed so boring at the time.
Hindsight is 20/20 indeed.
If I had to dig in a pile of hay for some treat, I’d expect to at least get a whole face.
Re: You’re naming your kids rong
Tell me you have heard of Vadgesty and Vagena. HOW HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF VADGESTY AND VAGENA? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090703220551AAGOrX4
I would totally chalk this up to a Yahoo questions prank, were it not for this http://stfuparents.tumblr.com/post/229983649/halloween-09-i-recognize-the-editing-only-adds
I am very sorry for linking to that. Please do not click it. You will never be able to un-see it.
Love that picture and your description of it. Kid’s today are pansys man. We should totally start parenting with blindfolds and open flame.
Thanks for linking to my McDonald’s voices post! But I still don’t understand where the voices are coming from…
I like the spooky Shit I Did When I Wasn’t Here graphic. Come to think of it, I don’t recall seeing one that hasn’t made me smile. In case you ever wonder, Halloween is not a major event in South Africa — you know, that small country next to Mexico. But as soon as my country peeps hear that y’all hand out candy-shaped genitals to children, I think it’ll take off. Wait, genital-shaped candy … that’s fucking sick!
At first I thought the girl was dressed up as a mickey mouse…
That picture of you in a top hat. WOW. Speechless. (Basically, I am too high on sugar to come up with something witty for your comment section…)
Happy Halloween!
The old farmer who made the altar wine for our church named his eldest son Dionysius. His wife said that was the last kid he ever named. We call him “Don.”
I was the ninth born in our family, so I got stuck with “Fred.” Then my little brother comes along and our parents remember to use “Brian.” I’m kind of glad. I was able to help keep people from picking on my little brother.
Oh, if only the world were round this would all make sense.
What the fuck Jesus is hysterical and I love the Pretty post!
Also the severed nose isn’t very realistic. But wow does it look yummy!
I’m kind of glad to see that you let PNN go. While I have read some funny stuff on these secondary sites I only subscribe to your personal blog and twitter feed. I would think that most of your devoted minions would do the same. I think that I can safely say that I speak for tens of thousands of us when I say that it is a true pleasure and privilege for us to have you in our lives.
So many of your followers are fellow bloggers that understand that you need to earn a living from your writing. I would be happy to accept more advertising placement on this blog if it meant that you could spend more of your time writing exclusively for your own brand.
@09thehippy
I’m just curious, but am I the only one who was thinking about Nancy’s “Spatula” when reading Lesson Three: Your Kids’ Names Are Stupid. Stop Doing That?
Lyndsey Kendall
I have a cousin who’s name is Isabella. Not bad, right? But she’s called “Izzie” for short. Still not bad, right? But when you look at her full name : Izzie Eden Dicks….it’s like her mom just wants her to be a porn star. I desperately wish I was making this up…
I am *so glad* you didn’t set Hailey on fire – after all, she did such a good job picking my number and all!
~EdT.
Going to people’s houses and getting free candy while dressing as the person you dream to be really can’t be improved upon.
LMAO! “It isn’t possible to get rid of crabs.”
Re: Bad-ass girls: Wanna read the best bad-ass girl story eva? Go to Amazon and search for Michael Lewis’s book “Home Game”. The fun starts on the last line on page 14. His daughter Dixie, age 3, crushes a bunch of 10 and 11 year old boys. And she does it while protecting her 6 year old sister Quinn. Absolutely beautiful.
We gave away those severed body part candy thingers this year too….my husband bought them, and I too thought the “noses” looked odd. I kept calling them uteruses (uteri) until he corrected me. Whatever, dude. I’m the one with the uterus. I win this round. Now there’s about 20 kids running around Western NY thinking they just ate candied uterus. Yummers!
Jenny – I can’t wait to see the other pictures Karen took. I can’t wait to see her do some mother-daughter shoots with you and Hailey (though *not* in BDSM gear – that would just be creepy.)
~EdT.
Why didn’t they just hide the candy in a holly tree or a pile of razor blades? Oh wait! Christmas is coming!
Man-capris… with black socks?
AFTER Labor Day?
Puh-leeeeeze.
This totally reminds me of the party games I organize for these naïve Spanish Children and their parents. I get the kids to play Russian roulette while the rest of us stand around gambling and drinking. It’s ok though because I get the kids to wear bullet proof vests.
I win soo much money!
Okay love the old time kids and candles game, though today that would get you called in front of a judge!
And the penis candy, er sorry severed nose candy, uh, not appealing at all…..
My kid was insistent there be apple bobbing at his Halloween-themed birthday party. Since folks are so weird about germs these days and I did not want to find a gallon of Purell dumped in amongst the apples, I discreetly waited until the party was over, then set it up.
I was thinking what a great explanation the digging game would be when your kid comes home and asks one of those uncomfortable questions like “what’s a glory hole?” and then I saw the prize.
I’ve got nothin’.
Those pictures from the shoot are great. She’s an amazing photographer and you, Jenny, are gorgeous.
Maybe the catch to that game was the fire dept on standby outside for the duration of it.
I bet that Edmund Kemper dude would have had fun playing that game (the dusty hay game) when he was younger. I always became confused when I received candy like that. So what now? Am I supposed to eat this nose or just keep it around in case I lose my own?
Those games still aren’t dumb as bobbing for apples. Who wants apples… who wants apples soaking in multi-child tainted water. So many questions, so few answers.
Aquanet Maybelliene McWhirter, Glenzilla Johnson, Female (pronounced Fe-mall-ay) Jones, and Trundle Stars are some of the people I’ve met along the way in my life.
This is what I get for not following you on Twitter sooner. My mom’s a teacher and every year, she goes over her roster with me and we … comment on the originality of some of the names: Shithead (pronounced with a diphthong), Lemonjello, Psynceere (pronounced Sincere), Czarina (which is not that bad except she pronounces it Serena). Psynceere has a brother, but I can’t even begin to spell (or pronounce) his name.
And Hailey looks AWESOME!! Love the vampire face!
That blindfold game looks like Smell the Fart.
At first I thought the picture of Hailey included a tri-corner hat. And I was going to applaud her applying revolutionary history (or maybe pirates) to the costume.
Then I realized it was a gigantic collar, a la classic Hollywood.
Ok, a nod to tradition. I get that.
I mean…if you want to go that direction.
OMG new Halloween ritual… who can come up with the most death defying game for your children WITHOUT actually killing (or seriously harming) them. Maybe when I have kids of my own I won’t think this is such a good idea, but for now, it’s AMAZING.
You know Jenny, sometimes I read your blog and I laugh and the only words that come to mind is, I love you. Then I think of writing that in the comment section but it really does sound uber creepy. But fuck it because yesterday was Halloween.
I love you.
I, too, would have laughed at the “allergic to nuts” caption, and I have been the only one laughing at such inappropriate humor before. Like when they played “God Bless the USA” at our 5 year olds dance recital and then raised the flag upside down. And, anyoe who’s read Encyclopedia brown knows that is a distress signal. Vicodin and Kinderdance are a lethal combination. I’m assuming it’s the same thing for Vicodin and Fall Festivals?
I, too, would have laughed at the “allergic to nuts” caption, and I have been the only one laughing at such inappropriate humor before. Like when they played “God Bless the USA” at our 5 year old’s dance recital and then raised the flag upside down. And, anyone who’s read Encyclopedia brown knows that is a distress signal. Vicodin and Kinderdance are a lethal combination. I’m assuming it’s the same thing for Vicodin and Fall Festivals?
when I think back at some of the stuff we did as kids, or the stuff my mom tells me she did… there were definitely different standards. It looks like Texas kind of got stuck there though. Here in Holland we are not even allowed to send snacks for our own children that might cause allergies to someone else’s
not sure whose better off actually….
pretty sure that “nose” is actually a gift from Lorenna Bobbit if you know what I mean…
Ha! I wonder how many kids at that party now have dreams of becoming a professional Sewer Grate Inspector.
Lit candles and blindfolds? Luxury! We used to go bobbing for chips (french fries).
btw Hailey looks awesome as a vampire princess.
Jenny, you are so beautiful, and Chookaloonks is right, you’re radiant. I can’t tell you how much I want to shoot you, but in a “don’t be afraid it’s only a camera” kind of way, not the “sniper gun at half a mile taking down a douchebag” kind of way. Next time I come to Texas, I’m just going to knock on your door and make you tell me all about Chester Arthur while I take your picture.
I agree with Craig. I’m glad that you’re not on PNN any more. You’re too good for them! Now put your Ask The Bloggess column on your own site and we’ll all help you promote it! You should also put some click ads on your site too for ad revenue. We’d all click on the ads. Your writing brings so much laughter and joy to people. I for one would love to do something to help and pay back for all the laughter you have brought me.
OMG…the severed nose. I posted on my Facebook page what my darling daughter thought it was. Jenny, at 7, she was TOTALLY on board with you. Sort of frightening, really, but I shit you not when she boldly declared that the body part she received was a weiner. I about crashed the car. Good times.
How in the world could you have been the only one who found that funny? I burst out laughing when I read it. Actually I pretty much burst out laughing at every commentary below the pictures. The find-the-severed-body-party-in-the-haystack game was particularly amusing especially when you wrote: the set-your-child-on-fire game at least had style! Bwahahaha!
That candy looks like a really small, really swollen penis. What?? I’m the only one that sees that??
Worst name ever? A PhD candidate named Anil Kumar Dikshit. No kidding – google him. He kept telling people to pronounce it A-neel. Yeah, because that was your biggest problem Dr. Dikshit.
Explain, please, what is going on with the empenising of the candy world? Is it not enough that Hannah Montana made penis candy? http://www.buzzfeed.com/scott/hannah-montanas-questionable-concert-candy
Now this?
No wonder this country is going to hell.
Children and fire… Not a smart combo….
I bought a bag of those gummy parts to give out for Trick or Treating. The look on a mom’s face is priceless when their kid looks in their bag and shouts, “OH COOL! I GOT A BRAIN!”
I pride myself on being the one your parents have warned you about.
I call B.S. on SO many of those baby names. I plugged a ton of them into Zabasearch and the Social Security website at Ancestry.com. Nothing. But Cash Register does live in Texas.
Apparently penises aren’t the only inappropriately shaped Halloween candy.
http://failblog.org/2010/11/03/epic-fail-photos-candy-body-part-fail/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+failblog+%28The+FAIL+Blog+-+Fail+Pictures+%26+Videos+at+Failblog.ORG%29&utm_content=Google+Reader
What happened to Ask the Bloggess??! Where did it go?? I am so sad!!
Oh my God…I clicked on the link to Hailey’s Halloween costume plans? And I was TOTALLY a fairy princess dead rat zombie for Halloween a couple years ago! Small world. Hailey and I are like the same person, except for the fact that she is a cute child and I am just a strange adult who probably needs to make costume decisions when I’m sober next year.