I’m here to distract you.

I’m late on this again.  By, like…weeks. I don’t know what my problem is either.

What you missed on Ill-advised:

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed on on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (which I still need to name):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by InCultureParent, a magazine for parents raising little global citizens.  I actually love this website.  It’s about the quiet revolution in parenting and its multicultural message of inclusion, acceptance and diversity, and it calls to expand your mindset with shared cultural knowledge. Including recipes for Armenian martinis. Viva la revolution!

52 thoughts on “I’m here to distract you.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Well, my toddler submitted that previous comment. Profound, I know. I think she wanted to be first. She’s advanced and pushy for a 15 month old.
    What I was going to type was the toilet paper art blew my mind.

  2. “‘Always kiss your children goodnight…’That way you can make sure they’re still breathing and haven’t turned onto zombies during the night.” Sound advice, my friend. You never know when the zombies will strike. Hope the unicorns are nearby to counterstrike.

  3. I actually called my daughter to read your “Ill-advised” column to her. She has a 5 year old and can totally relate!

  4. Love the Jerry Springer addendum in ‘Ill-Advised’. I always wondered who goes on Springer. I had to assume it would be someone so dis-functional that they didn’t realize how dis-functional they really were. Then my wife’s ex-husband’s (I call him my ex-husband-in-law) step daughter, the stripper, came up with a scheme to get herself and all my step kids on. I don’t even remember the premise anymore, but I remember being horrified to think that it might actually work. It was then that I realized she knew how crazy she was going to appear. She was doing it for the notoriety. Thankfully it didn’t work out, but I do know now that many of us are only a hair’s breadth away from a Springer association.

  5. Children turn into zombies, and they’ll be the ones that wake you up early in the morning all “hungry” and shit.

  6. I guess now that you’re on Kindle you’ve really hit the big time. I trust that you won’t forget all the little people who are still standing in your shadow of your famousity.

  7. If I thought a Kindle was worth even a dollar (seriously, I look at a screen all day and I can’t imagine looking at ANOTHER ONE when I just want to read a damn magazine), I’d probably read you on it.

  8. Better than texts from a stalker– did you know that 1. women talk for free on Live Links and 2. once you’ve connected to Live Links, they send you text messages about interesting single men in your area?

    The things you discover while drunk…

  9. I’m torn between being opposed to kittens on heroin or being for doped up kittens. But the idea of doped up kitties stumbling around is kind of appealing.

  10. I absolutely fucking love your blog. It is like a breath of fresh air.

    I read your entry regarding your arthritis problem and even though I know I cannot possibly ever imagine what you go through I hope you can find a permanent cure for it. I don’t pray much because I consider myself a recovering catholic. Instead I just converse with God at times when I feel I am about to loose it. For the other stuff i usually try to find a natural remedy and I usually go to the mama herb website http://www.mamaherb.com/ I have had pretty good luck with it so far maybe you will too.

    Thanks for your blog and for the refreshing honesty.

  11. OMG!!! Thank you for introducing me to David! I am now convinced that he and I are destined to be together. And it’s all thanks to you. You’ll be my matron of honor of course. I wouldn’t have it any other way. AND you can wear the panda bear suit. In fact we’ll make it a theme! Everyone will dress as misnomer animals! I shall be a killer whale. Hey, we’ll match! Squeeee! I’m so excited! PLUS, I’m from WV, so when David and I get married, he and George Lewis will practically be neighbors! Oh, I can’t wait!

  12. Wait, you really did make Heroin Kitties shirts? Fuck, now I have to buy one. Maybe you’d like to explain to my children why they no longer can buy lunch at school this week, Ms. Funny Lady?

  13. Love the parenting advice. Tessa’s kid actually looked surprised when I told him that I blog about him. They must think we never notice a damn thing.

  14. I always look forward to your weekly wrap-ups. 🙂

    @Brandy- I feel like I am only seling you the low points of parenting…. Hmmmm. Maybe I’ll rethink my angle. Probably not.

  15. Ok, the octopus chair would kill me. No way I could walk past it with out tripping on those pesky 4 ft tentacles…

    So are we going to get a panda costume pic when it arrives???

  16. @Johi So if I say anything that slaps them in the face about kids, I totally get to blame it on you right? 😀

  17. No need to make apologies for being late. You’ve been busy what with hooking kittens on heroin. That really leaves very little time for much else.

  18. I really WAS bored. So thanks! And that little bob-sledder pug is full of win.

    P.S. Jenn I need help, I’m getting a cat shortly and I don’t know what to call her. Could you email me with suggestions? She’s fluffy & blackish brown.

  19. Dear bloggess,
    Don’t mean to sound rude and it’s totally not a judgement call….but….are you bipolar?
    I ask, merely because I have bp2 and you seem to exhibit the same traits. ( i.e- periods of lots of posts followed by nada, sleeplessness and y’know- general ranty manic stuff.)

    Seriously hope I haven’t offended, just genuinely curious.


  20. Whew – thank you! I needed some light distraction, and as promised, you delivered it – and it was just right@

  21. Oh my god, that RA business is nasty. You must be miserable. I have joint *stiffness*, nothing to the extent that you do, but I know I need to do something. I’ve tried glucosamine and fish oil–nope. Exercise helps some. I just wrote a blog post about the Whole30 program, which I really want to do because I think it will help me determine exactly what foods exacerbate the problem, but which I really don’t want to do because, for thirty days of my life, it will fucking suck.

  22. I have chronic anxiety disorder with a side of ADD. It mimics some of the traits of bipolarism but I’m not bipolar. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  23. I subscribed to the kindle edition because you deserve to make some money directly off of how much I love your blog. 🙂

  24. 1. I think your neighborhood texts are about my neighborhood. Just sayin.

    2. Can you make the heroin kitty shirts in cat sizes? I have cats. They might like those.

  25. Hmmm. Dilemma: I’m easily distracted, my boss IS a huge douche-canoe (more like a kayak, really) and the link to Texts from a Stalker brings up a page of dildoes. Nice. My co-workers love me. Almost as much as when I’m reading The Oatmeal and the swastika photos and Neo-Nazi pictures come up. Also, my brother-in-law has a friend who is a producer for Jerry Springer. They find their weirdos on Facebook. Figures.

  26. I just now read your article about your RA flare. I don’t have advice for your RA symptoms,but myself having been diagnosed w/ MS almost 5 years ago at the age of 28, I understand the struggle w/ the unpredictability of a chronic illness. *hugs* to you. You are strong and brave.

  27. I didnt have a better place to put my Amazon review so I’ll put it in your comments 😉
    This review is from: The Bloggess, thebloggess.com (Kindle Edition)

    We should first ignore that fact that I don’t actually use a Kindle.
    Actually, I don’t really use a tablet or readers at all.

    Let’s face it. I look at Kindles like most people look at socks worn with sandals.

    Yeah, like that.

    But…if you were using a Kindle to read a post from The Bloggess, you might just be cool enough to wear socks with sandals too.

    Seriously though, Jenny is one of the most talented and entertaining writers I know.

    If you’re not already reading her blog, you’re probably a mess. It’s okay, but you should really check it out.


  28. I’m not sure why Amy has her panties in a bunch over anon asking you if you have bipolar. (A person isn’t a disease, they have a disease.) I have either bipolar 2–as does anon–or chronic depression with generalized anxiety disorder. It depends on which doctor you ask. But I can totally see why anon asked, and no, there’s nothing wrong with that. I take an anti-depressant, an anti-anxiety and a low dose of lamictal, a mood stabilizer. They work wonderfully for me and others I know on the same combo.

  29. Sorry to hear your RA flare up has been so bad. I gave you some shit a couple of posts back for not posting your recap and now I’m really sorry. (I knew the RA had flared, but not how badly).

    I agree with some of the others on the RA post that going with a narcotic pain reliever to get over the hump makes total sense as a short-term strategy. I’ve been fighting OA for a long time and have it everywhere: have one hip replacement and two shoulder replacements. The knees are due, but I’m just doing pain management right now; I don’t have the stomach for another surgery right now. Two weeks ago my back went out and I ended up with a pinched nerve and a spondylitis diagnosis. A short-term prednisone treatment kicked that out pretty quickly to a low level and now I can do PT. I know my pain is nowhere near as bad as yours and I’m sending healing energy your way. Take care.

  30. I can get TheBloggess on my Kindle? *tap* *tap* *tap* *click* Good, now I’ve got you right where I want you 🙂

    Oh, and the TP roll art? Freaking great, so when the government bans these things, they’ll be killing art, too! *grumpy*


  31. Your Ill Advised column is beyond genius…and helpful! You forgot, though, teaching your child:
    “It’s the thought that counts” unless that thought is about mass murder and torture then perhaps it’s therapy that counts.

  32. I’m totally buying His Cd with my online survey money. And if you like that kind of thing, you should check out Shooby Taylor :

    Scatting Gold!
    -like the singing/rapping stuff. not the poop.

  33. Bloggess – I have a problem. My employer apparently thinks texts from a stalker – and the whole sexis website – is pornography. WTF is up with that? Yes, I could read it at home, but the point is I’m at work, I’m bored, and my ability to read relatively NSFW posts is being stifled.

    I’m not sure what you can do to help me unless you wanted to hire me to do something for you and then I could write my own farewell letter to my government employer for being so unhip and repressive.


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