I don’t even know what to say here

Every month or so I log into google analytics to see what people are searching for when they find my blog.  It’s always entertaining, often perplexing and occasionally even terrifying.  Here’s a screen shot of the 25th most popular keyword search for this blog:

Huh.

So that’s 89 separate visits of people who found this blog by googling “no one’s going to be able to relate to a corpsey chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover” in the last 30 days.

Baffling.

156 thoughts on “I don’t even know what to say here

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I beg to differ. I’m fairly certain I once saw Big Bird eating a bowl of Count Chocula once on Sesame Street. Or maybe I made that up when I was drunk. I’m pretty sure it was real, though.

  2. So now I want to know if you’ve even written anything remotely like this, but I’m afraid to Google and send your stats up even higher.

  3. My head actually started hurting from trying to think of a reason one would google that. Thanks 89 people. I’ve already had to deal with waking up at 7 this morning to a light sprinkling of snow on the roofs of my south Texas neighborhood. Do you want my head to explode.

  4. I’m impressed by your popularity.

    I’m also impressed that, in spite of my lack of gigantor popularity, 167 people in the last few months have gotten to my blog *just* by searching “vaginas.”

    I don’t even know how many pages they had to go back to find me or what, but I’m mildly terrified.

  5. this is just epic! it sure made me giggle..though i’m not surprised .. i’m sure there have been weirder things said here..

  6. I’m going to google corpsey chocolate vampire now because I can’t imagine what would lead to googling that other than this post.

  7. Just like my Grandma always used to say. She was right too, Jenny, no one will ever be able to relate to that. Though personally I think that it’s sweet, because gay birds have feelings too.

  8. Well of *course* you’ve written that sentence before. Do you know who you are? Maybe I should introduce you. Jenny… This is the Blogess… Blogess… Jenny.

  9. Bizarre. 89 unique visitors? What does the number mean? Bobby Brown?

    Currently I have a bunch of Brits finding my site looking for an it’s so windy joke. That’s what we call farts. And it’s not even funny. I’ve taunted them several times now and may be adding elderberries to the page being hit.

  10. And I thought it was strange that someone found my blog by using the search phrase “muddy nuggets.” “Corpsey chocolate vampire” wins.

  11. I’m officially convinced that anything I google could (and most likely will) bring me to this blog. Which is kind of like a twisted version of jumangi. I don’t exactly know HOW it’s a twisted game of jumangi, but that’s just what I thought of when I read this post and really no one can judge me because I’m not the one writing junk like “no one’s going to be able to relate to a corpsey chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover” in the first place so I feel completely validated and maybe slightly insane….I don’t actually know anymore.

  12. Tell me about it – if you substitute “vanilla” for “chocolate” you end up at MY blog. Oh well, I guess you take em where you can get em….

  13. That takes “awesome” to a whole different level. I almost just wrote “awholenother”, because that is how fucked up I talk… so sad. I guess that is the side effect from learning to read from beer bottle caps and bathroom stall grafitti.

    I have had some interesting search words that have led people to my blog. My favorite was “girl shit in shorts”. ??? I am fairly certain that I did not type that sentence….. I don’t know though, I’m drunk a lot. jk…? And what sick fucker googles “girl shit in shorts”?

  14. That sentence doesn’t just pop into your head when using Google search?
    I mean, that is a standard search. We’re touching the basics here.

    J-Roll

  15. I think corspey chocolate vampires should be allowed to love gay birds if they want, until the police catch them.

    It sort of puts all those finding me by looking for “sexy breastfeeding” in to the shade. I’m going to have to step up the surreal quotient.

  16. Forgive me for being a concrete thinker, but is that sentence not a genuine thought in relation to True Blood? Questionably phrased and all, but relating to actual characters? Just me, or not?

  17. That is an awesome search… Looking at how people find me is my favorite part of analytics… I don’t have any that good though…. Haha

  18. Are you sure that Google doesn’t just make all their statistics shit up? You know, like those fake words they searched to mess with Bing!

  19. I love looking at the keywords. I have hits from “Paris Hilton mudwrestles a velociraptor” and “Dangerboy fucks me”. I’m not sure how that second one came about, but I’d like to know.

  20. Ok….is chocolate a *buzzword* for something other than the milky goodness?….and a gay bird lover….is this a bird lover who is gay or a *gay bird* who is a lover? Because I’m pretty sure chocolate is lethal to birds, so that’s a short story between the pair…not much to say other than the bird might have wanted to get busy with the white chocolate vampire, since white chocolate isn’t *technically* chocolate…

    I’m done, now.

  21. I had to read the search term like 89 times just to understand it. Now I’m going to go google that just to bring you up to an even 90. You’re so close, and the evenness of a solid 90 would be calming, no?

  22. My guess would be someone quoted it somewhere and then people said “Huh?” and googled it. But that doesn’t account for a 30-day spread. My conclusion? You’re f*cking *magic*, Jenny. No way around it.

  23. I’m going to have to agree with the comment above- one guy searching multiple times. There’s just no WAY that many people were searching for that phrase. No. Way. 🙂

  24. That’s so much better than my best one yet– which asks how to make a termite costume for your child. I am super jealous of you, your chocolate vampire, and his gay bird lover.

  25. Holy geez. Are we, your readers, really that deranged? It’s kind of… creepy. Like finding out your sweet great uncle gets a thrill out of flashing the nurses at his rest home.

    Sadly, I can relate. The last time I checked my stats, I got a mishmash of “f*cking the housekeeper shile (sic) she work,” ‘here come Hell go,” and most bafflingly, “Zombie porn.” (And mine is a parenting humor site!) Can someone explain to me when the undead got sexy enough to land in the spank bank category?

  26. Mine is always ” stick a penis up your nose” or “penis up nose” which makes me think.. how the hell many people are out there sticking a penis up their nose? Scary shit indeed.

  27. I want to know what other pages come up when you search that phrase…

    Let’s see…

    Huh…just you. Weird, I thought it was a pretty common saying.

  28. Dear Jenny,

    You’re #1,2 &3 on google for this. Awesome.
    Funny question though, which WP stats plugin are you using when you look at that? Or is it Google Analytics?

    -Tony

    I just use google analytics ~ Jenny

  29. Eleventy forty nine years ago, on a reasonably popular and now defunct blog, this brought me dozens of hits on a regular basis–weeks, months, years, states and countries apart–
    “holstein calves sucking cock”.

    Who looks this shit up?

  30. And here I figured the #1 search would have had something to do with taxidermied woodland creatures. How silly of me.

  31. The wierd thing is they found your blog with those search words. The other wierd thing is why would so many people think of those things to search.

  32. Well, that’s just ridiculous. Who Googles for corpsey chocolate vampires? Typhoid infested cobras however, are totally understandable. I search for them at least twice a week.

  33. I just noticed you went to ASU. We lived in SaNangelo for a couple years. Don’t miss Concho water at all.

    What did you do for fun there while you were in college? Did you ever get bitten by a spider or snake? Did you go Trick or Treating at the mall? (Seriously, moving to Alaska after leaving San Angelo, seeing kids trick or treating there with snow suits on under their costumes, only served to make SA more candyass with their mall trick or treating. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a candyass. I never went trick or treating in Alaska.)

  34. You know what really strange and arbitrary sounding phrase people have been getting to my blog with within the last week? “Did I ever tell you about the time I got thrown in jail in Venezuela.”

    That was your doing 😉 Thanks for that.

  35. I’m pretty sure Google is doing this….redirecting and then stealing phrases to make it look like it wasn’t their fault. I’m not saying it’s a conspiracy but there is too much oddness going on….aw hell, it is a conspiracy.

  36. Sometimes I feel like the world is small and I can really accomplish something with my life, but times like these reminds me of how big and strange the world actually is and it is disheartening. Thanks a lot Jenny! ;( (jk,jk,jk)

  37. So after reading this, I did something I never thought I’d do in my life: I Googled “no one’s going to be able to relate to a romance between a corpsey chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover.” Surprisingly enough, you turned up in the results. That’s when it hit me: I’m a fucking moron. Of course, you’re gonna turn up. You wrote a post about it. What I’m saying is that you’ve made this a self-perpetuating cycle. Next week, you’ll have a 1,000 “no one’s going to be able to relate to a romance between a corpsey chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover” keyword searches in your analytics.

  38. This is why that computer named Watson is going to get his ass totally kicked by Ken Jennings and that other guy on “Jeopardy” in a couple of weeks.

  39. I bet it was someone who stumbled on your blog, then sent the phrase to 88 friends saying “LOOK AT WTF I JUST FOUND!!!”

    ~EdT.

  40. Oh, heh, that was me. I was shooting for 100 searches, but I had to stop to pee and then I got distracted.

    No, not really. WTF? Some days I worry for you.

  41. Hmmm. I don’t understand why anyone would search for that. It’s obvious that EVERYONE would relate to a romance between a corpsey chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover.

  42. I just wanted to let you know that I love your blog and read everything on here in a two week span. You have inspired me to start writing again. Thank you!

  43. Is the corpsey chocolate vampire sparkly? because then it would totally makes sense that he has a gay bird lover. This also brings an interesting dynamic to the “don’t ask, don’t tell” debate.

  44. Wow. I read this and thought, “Hey, I haven’t checked Google Analytics for my blog in a while” and when I did check, it said my blog had 2 pageviews in the last month, which I know is wrong b/c mom has been there at least 3 times, but I don’t want to change anything and jeopardize the $79.82 I’ve built up over the past year. SO.

    I’m going to post “corpsey chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover” and dramatically increase my traffic.

  45. It’s true. No one is going to relate, because gays love chocolate and therefore, would eat the corpsey chocolate vampire. Common cents.

  46. I’m betting you did a little squeal of joy when you saw that. I would’ve wet my pants from laughing, but that just kind of happens after you birth a couple of big babies.

  47. I thought that you might like to know that I was bored and googled “Bafflvating” and google asked, “Did you mean buffalo mating?”

  48. After reading (and loving) your blog, why would you even question that? It all makes sense. p.s. did you see my comment yesterday about your name being used on TV? was it really you? Now that’s what you should check out.

    I looked but I couldn’t find anything. ~ Jenny

  49. I’m just happy that the made-up sexual weather phenomena phrases have passed, SEO guys had longtail boners when looking at my keywords…

    “scrotal tornado”
    “meatstaff tsunami”
    “butthole sleet”
    “torrential bukkakke”

    Somedays I think it’s just best I don’t write nothing at all.

  50. Hi Jenny, that is very odd. Most strangers find my blog by Googling something to do with Billy the Exterminator. I learned that it is a good thing to title a blog post after a new t.v. show. Maybe you can make a t.v. show about vampires and their gay bird lovers? I bet that lots of people would watch it! I would.
    Take care, Kathy

  51. I dunno. I have a few gems. I mean, real, true head-scratchers that make you question the sanity of those around you, but STILL never CLOSE to that interesting.

    I mean, hell, I would have to think if they were looking for YOU specifically, that “The Bloggess” would be easier to remember than “no one’s going to be able to relate to a corpsey chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover”

    Your life is pretty damn interesting.

    The most interesting thing in my life as of late has been my new puppy’s stool. That’s right, poop. I bet you are SO jealous right now.

  52. Actually, all 89 of those google searches were from me. On 89 different computers, just so not to confuse your google analytics. I just wanted to make sure that you really were the authority on chocolate vampires and chocolate lovers.

    What can I say? I’m thorough.

  53. I tried googling some of the terms that people have apparently searched that led them to me…I ‘m pretty sure I could be arrested for viewing some of the things that came up. Also…I couldn’t find myself in some of the search results so all of the analytics people are probably just big liars and they’re siting in their offices being all computer savvy and sending us on wild search term goose chases because they know that they’re smarter than us and we really don’t have any idea what’s going on. Bastards.

    Sorry. I just watched “The Social Network” andI’m nursing a grudge against computer geniuses…

  54. you know whats sadder…no one comes to my blog through any keyword search…I’m not that popular…I guess I should be blogging about chocolate vampires and gay bird lovers???

  55. I don’t understand. How else do you think I initially started following you? And I like the person’s idea about posting those keywords in their blog. Think how much you could help all of us newbies out here who want to increase their traffic if you posted your top five keyword searches? I’d fit them into my posts somehow for sure. 😉

    LOVE your blog. Still. All the time.

  56. Wow. Just wow. Enough to make you afraid to check into your google stats ever again. However, being the optimist that I am, when life gives you corpsey chocolate vampire romance with gay bird lovers, make lemonade. Try sicking them on your annoying e-mail ‘friends’ who try to sell you something and never unsubscribe you (of the previous post). Gotta believe corpsey beats anything they’ve got to offer.

  57. “Brain cancer jokes” leads to mine a lot.

    I never know whether to be flattered or appalled.

    And I really want to know who these people are that are googling brain cancer jokes. I wish they would leave something in the comments that says “Hey, I found your blog by googling for brain cancer jokes,” and then I could ask, “Ummm… why are you googling brain cancer jokes?”

  58. WordPress, you statistics no longer impress me. I’m going over to google, where they clearly have unicorns smoking the pot and making up search phrases.

    That, or people really are concerned for the emotional well-being of chocolate vampires and bird lovers…or gay bird lovers…

  59. He could feel the 60% coacoa butter content setting fire to his veins, causing his fangs to instinctively extend to their full and terrible length. He was emaciated and weak from the long nights spent without feeding, but still inexplicably gorgeous. Hernan had selected a most luscious feast for him, a box of assorted truffles shaped exactly like a flock of tiny blackbirds. At the moment, he stood at the window, binoculars in hand, commenting on the migratory patterns of quail. But soon, very soon now, his passion and hunger would be sated.

    I’m SO SORRY, but I couldn’t help myself. It had to be done.

  60. That may be one of my saved searches…thanks for drawing everyone’s attention to that!
    Oh wait, that was me.
    Carry on

  61. A. I want to apologize for writing this 2 beers away from being wasted. B. if you really think about it thats a good question because all the vampires are really a popular topic and by mostly teens, therefore the teens are really more focused on Twilight which doesn’t have enough race differentiated vampires. That or its completly related to valentines day and chocolate that is associated it with it, which would make a lot more since (wow my fingers are really tingly that means i should chug another one, I rarely drink, does that make a difference? nah didnt think so) (I had to reread everything to know where I should finish after the last set of whatever these “(” are called) (reread). Anyway the vampire is already dead which means if it was chocolate for valentines day its a corpse chocolate, and birds are usually the marshmellow things for holidays, which could be used for valinestines (I cant spell anymore I chugged the last one)(And marshmellow birds for vday could be doves).. Walla/!! VDAY marshmellow doves and chocolate vampires that would resemble corpse. BAM that google search this blog.. because youve talked about twilight, birds, marshmellows, and corps (google searches, and dog (So sorry about BJ)

  62. Wicked cool, corpsey is my new favorite word of the day. I shall try to input it into random sentences all day!!!!

    “Oh I can fix that it’s just running a little corpsey today”

    Luff it!!!

  63. Wow. Totally jealous of your search phrase, Jenny.

    All I ever get is “nipple pleasure” (interesting) or “Javier Bardem’s cock” and really?

    If Javier Bardem’s cock were anywhere near the vicinity of my blog, I would never EVER leave my house.

    Seriously.

    – B x

  64. I’m not going to admit what I searched to find you the first time.

    Okay- I would totally admit it if I could remember. But I don’t because that was years ago. I barely remember what I had for breakfast (Chocolately corpsey vampires with a side of gay bird? Possibly), let alone what led me to you years ago. Let’s just assume it had something to do with hiding my stabby tendencies behind kitten gloves.

    Gawd. Kitten gloves sound almost nice until you realize what they really are.

  65. Of course, you know the zombie apocalypse is near when the most plausible explanation is a conspiracy.

  66. Well, you actually wrote that sentence back in 2009 (I googled it) so maybe someone thought the post was hilarious, decided to steal it for a comedy skit, and 88 people in the audience tried to find the skit online. That must be it.

  67. I get some strange keyword searches as a result of having “naked girl” in my blog title. What entertains me the most is that men (well, I am assuming it is men), a great deal of them, think you spell girl, gurl. So many “naked gurl” searches. Did anyone learn to spell in school??

  68. I just got two hits from searches on “abandoned bride, night throws down her jewels of rome—on”

    The best one I ever got, though, was “Cher’s ovaries”

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