I’m Jenny from the future. It looks bleak, y’all.

Whispered conversation I had with Victor as we were watching the movie previews before Pirates of the Caribbean, part eleventy-thousand:

me:  Wait.  Cars 2?  Aren’t we already on, like, Cars 4?  And hasn’t Puss in Boots already been done too?  These previews are confusing the shit out of me.

Victor:  I have no idea, but Puss in Boots is just begging for a porn parody.

me:  Right? His name is Puss. His best friend is a donkey.  WHO LIKES TO PUNCH.  It practically writes itself.

Victor:  Wait.  What the shit?  Stephen Spielberg is doing the new Transformers?  Just how desperate are we getting?

me:  Must not be a lot of scripts out there to choose from.  He was probably like “Has someone already done the Puss in Boots porn parody?  Yes?  Damn. What’d they call it?  Puss ‘n Boobs? Hell. That’s fucking brilliant.  Okay, fine, let’s do Transformers, I guess.”

Victor:  The Green Lantern looks…not great.

me:  Okay, I would have sworn on my life that The Green Lantern came out last year.  All of these movies have come out already.  I’m so confused.

Victor:  None of these movies have come out already.

me:  I think maybe I’m Jenny from the future.

Victor: Doubtful.

me: I’m from the future, and all of these movies were shitty.

Victor:  Okay, you might be from the future.

117 thoughts on “I’m Jenny from the future. It looks bleak, y’all.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Time travel is the best. Now you can save yourself from watching these! Also the previews are the best part of the movie because everyone has an opinion on how good the movie will be. It’s like we are ALL movie critics during the previews!

  2. Brilliant. I think the best part about the Transformers trailer is that they’ve replaced Megan Fox with another girl who looks exactly like Megan Fox. But with bigger lips and smaller boobs.

  3. “Pirates of the Caribbean, part eleventy-thousand” – I love it! I’m sure Keith Richards will still be alive…

  4. The green lantern will be awesome. If not, I will personaly go and sleep with ryan renalds untill it is good.

  5. I just don’t understand why they made Ryan Reynolds have a CGI body in Green Lantern. The man has ABS. MAD CRAZY ABS. You don’t need to CGI that kind of body.

    p.s. The word “abs” needs to be longer so that it doesn’t look like an acronym when I capitalize it. ABS.

  6. Maybe you really were taken for the Rapture and you’re now living your new enlightened parallel life somewhere else,where you know EVERYTHING. Except of course, if you were taken to a better place all the movies would probably be great. I guess that means you were left here to live out a miserable existence watching crappy movies.

    (sorry to be the bearer of bad news…………)

  7. Please just tell me if they end up doing the Last Battle from Lion Witch and Wardrobe. And tell me how Ender’s Game goes. Also if they make Handmaids Tale starring Sarah Palin. Which they should totally do.

  8. According to Hollywood, there is nothing interesting left in this world and we must all endure the crap that is sequel after sequel after . . . well you get the idea!

    I agee with Jenny from the future, all of those movies, and so many more were shitty.

  9. Wow – you very well might be from the future – but then again, it *could* be another re-make. I think they wait about 36 months before re-hashing some lame shit, in the hopes that THIS time, it will be awesome, I swear!

  10. If anything is going to be made into porn “Jenny From the Future” gets my vote!

    *Determined to break your vagine 😉
    (French for vagina, or so Jenny says)

  11. LMAO My issue is that NO ONE has any original ideas anymore. Commercials jack songs from our teen years and use them for advertising. Manufactured pop groups do BAD remakes of loved songs. And they are remaking terrible teen movies from the 80’s.

    I’ll give you a hint: they were bad the first time around. Re-doing them is not going to improve them at all.

    I love the Puss ‘N Boobs porno concept. With a BFF donkey who likes to punch…BRILLIANT!

    I also believe you are Jenny from the future. It’s why so many don’t get you. You’re ahead of your time. By the way, with you being Future Girl and all, can you tell us what really happens on December 21, 2012? Because that? That would be AWESOME. 😀

  12. I generally get really pissy when people are talking during the previews (I know and I’m really trying to get along better with the public) BUT I would have loved to hear this conversation. I would have nodded approvingly and not even shushed you!!! 🙂

  13. HAHAHAHAHA…”and all these movies were shitty” on top of “his best friend is a donkey – who punches.” May have wet myself laughing. And I don’t know what happened but every time I go to the movies now I remain generally unimpressed and pissed I wasted thirty bucks. and I SO want them to be good! Maybe I’m old. CRAP don’t tell anyone I said that.

  14. Wait Jenny from the future! I have questions…..important questions…..
    Will the super volvano blow soon?
    Will Mel Gibson make a comeback?
    Will Lady Gaga ever dress like a normal person?
    Will I finally lose 40 lbs?
    Ok, answers can commence.

  15. What’s The Green Lantern about? I never seem to be able to focus on the actual trailer as I’m so mesmerized by Ryan Reynolds abs. Sure they’re cartoonish looking abs. But they are teh awesome.

  16. So, dear Jenny from the Future, can you let me know if I get arrested for masturbating in the back row of Puss N Boobs and/or The Green Lantern?

  17. I’m glad you’re not Jenny from the block, not that you don’t deserve a lot, but because we are fooled by those rocks.

  18. What happened to the good ‘ol days when a movie or two came out during the summer and they were EPIC?

    I miss those days…those and drive ins…wait…do drive in theaters still exist? I’m kind of sworn off of them after the movie Twister…

  19. You have just saved me a shit-ton of money. At the same time I will now be missing out on at least 4 cherry icees and 16 gallons of popcorn. We’ll call it even.

  20. When I went to see Harry Potter 7 part 1, there was a trailer for The Green Lantern and The Green Hornet and I was so confused because I thought they were the same movie but the trailers were completely different with different people and a different story line. I sure could have used Jenny from the Future at that point.

    Thanks for the heads-up that everything is shitty. No plans to see any of them anyway, but still. (Well okay, maybe Cars 2.)

  21. I’m not even kidding, I had that same conversation with my boyfriend. Except I didn’t think I was from the future, I pretty much just figured that I was psychic.

  22. Oh no, really, it gets WORSE. Hugh Jackman in a movie based on Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots. It’s called “Real Steal,” which honestly sounds more like a shopping drama to me. I think the people in the theater got tired of my uncontrollable laughter and mantra-like repetition of WHAT THE F***?! Or maybe they didn’t.

  23. When I was a kid, I had a cat named “Pussin” (named after “Puss In Boots”.)
    Needless to say, by the time I reached high school I had quite the reputation.

  24. I think it was the Green Goblin that was out last year, No it was a bug…the hornet. I didn’t see it because well , I don’t like movies that guy is in. I too was confused about the Green Goblin/Hornet/Bug and the Green Lantern/Flashlight/Nightlight preview this weekend. My big concern is why is Natalie Portman in the movie Thor and she also did that other stupid flick Your Highness?

  25. I keep getting The Green Hornet & and The Green Lantern mixed up. I feel they should stager movies with the word “green” in the title.

  26. Ohhh–we can combine all the casts to make a fabulous skin flick–Megan Fox (wasn’t she an anorexic porn star anyway), Antonio Banderas (Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down yummy), and …Larry the Cable guy as the horny peeping Tom neighbor? Fun for all…

    Cheers. VB

  27. @The Escrow Goddess- I’m convinced that Natalie Portman is ACTUALLY Hermione from Harry Potter… that way she can be in 80 bajillion movies while simultaneously falling in love with her ballet dancer fiance, winning an Oscar and getting knocked up. She totally has a Time Turner.

    And honestly, if she had to go for a costar, Chris Hemsworth in Thor? DAYUM. Glad she took the dancer and left him to us, yes?

  28. I can’t watch any of the Pirates movies without thinking of the porno PIRATES. Which we were watching when I got pregnant with Lucy.

    And I have no fucking idea what those movies are you were just talking about. I’m that out of touch.

  29. Listen, next time you visit the future, check in on me, then come back and let me know if I’m still working in a cubicle. I’d like to know if I should just end it all now.

  30. I’m still waiting for a sequel to Dirty Dancing where Johnny Castle searches all over the globe for Baby who has gone off to join the Peace Corps.

  31. @TheBloggess should actually be called @TheAwesome. As an aside, if any of you want to see a decent movie, try “Sucker Punch”. I don’t know it as being a rehash of anything, and it’s awesome. First 20 minutes or so are confusing, but just hang in there. You won’t be disappointed.

  32. Oh and I made a claymation of Piss n’ Boots. Its kind of like two girls one cup only more wet and it is a fireman boot so its a LOT of Piss…

    This kind of market is ripe for the taking…

  33. Um… You’ve probably already thought of this but how about doing a song called “Jenny from the Blog”?

  34. I hope you are wrong about Car 2. I have a date with my four year old for that one. I have to say I am excited about it. I feel invested after watching Cars about 238 times.
    but I am sure you are right about the rest.

  35. This happens to me all of the time! I think it’s the previews. They all start with the explosive promotions way too soon and by the time a movie’s actually out I’m convinced it should be rerunning on TBS.

  36. I’m willing to believe you are from the future.

    When we went to see Thor last week, we had to sit through the trailer for Cowboys and Aliens.

    ….and then, my husband announced that he wants to see it. Save me.

  37. I like the nickname “Jenny from the Future” but I like “J.Blo” better. Has anyone called you that or am I the first? I don’t want to get into an Etsy/Urban Outfitters situation or similar scandal over your Lopez-ish nicknames, though, so we might want to run this all by legal. Oh, screw legal, let’s just ask her if she minds if we happen to see her on Twitter, and if not, it we’ll just run with it. It’s a plan, J.Blo!

  38. Uhhh… I’m pretty sure Kendahl (see comment above) is a mind-reader. I too saw Harry Potter 7 part 1, and there was a trailer for both The Green Lantern and The Green Hornet. Now you’re telling me at least 1 of those movies still isn’t out? How am I supposed to keep track of which movies are in theaters when the preview was all the way back on Thanksgiving? I’m not some kind of magician, you know.

  39. Wow… this post has officially made me sad at the movies of today… mind you, we can’t be far off from the point where every unique movie has been made. Is there such thing as a unique movie anymore? Has every idea been done? Damn… I think I’ve just challenged myself to spend the rest of my life striving to achieve something that I will eventually die failing on… now I’m sadder.

    Hmmmm, maybe my faith will be restored if I go and see something else. Let’s see, what else is on? *checks future films* X men origins? Harry Potter Finale? The Hobbit? … ah crap.

  40. Dear Sir or Madame,

    I am writing to request an advanced copy of your new film “Puss and Boobs.” I would like to publish a review of “Puss and Boobs” and potentially assist your marketing efforts on this new endeavor.

    Also, I just need a good laugh and bad porn is kinda a hobby of mine.

    Thank you.

  41. I agree with you!

    Like how they re-did “The Hulk” 15 times over the past 2 years, and how “Spiderman” is being re-done this year…do they really think us movie go-ers are that stupid that we won’t remember these movies?

  42. I just had a similar conversation with the Blockbuster guy this weekend. I saw the Green Hornet and I said “isn’t there another green movie?” and he said “Green Lantern comes out in theaters (insert date here) and I said “but…that came out last year, right??!!” and…we’re really only on Cars 2??

  43. Seriously, I saw a green lantern board the other day and I was like “WTF, I’ve already seen this shit!” and my boyfriend said “no babe, that was green hornet”. It’s all the same!!!

  44. wordjaniotr (#27) I also saw the preview for that and rather loudly said “WTF they’re making a Rock Em Sock Em Robots movies” about 20 times. At which point my husband almost tried to sneak out of the theater. Seriously who is paying these people to get stoned, look around their apartment at their old toys and write scripts about them….!!

  45. I had the same reaction to the Hugh Jackman movie preview. I whispered to my husband, “Am I mistaken, or did they make a movie about Rock’Em-Sock’Em Robots?” He said, “Just wait ’til ‘Build a Better Mousetrap’ comes out.”

  46. It was the Green Hornet that came out already. And it was pretty damn good. I admit though, I got confused at the previews of Hangover 2 also…

  47. What are you crazy people doing going to the movies? Don’t you know theaters are crawling with bedbugs now? And the bedbugs have MRSA. And machine guns. Nobody’s abs are worth that, not even the guy from the Amityville Horror.

  48. I’m from the future that’s almost finished watching this movie we just started, so I can tell you how this is all going to end as soon as we’ve watched the introduction/”set-up”. I’m kind of an ass.

    I thought they’d already made ‘Apollo 13’, but it turns out somebody watched ‘Paranormal Activity’ and thought “You know what this needs? Astronauts.” I’m guessing, from the poster.

    The porn industry is right though: there never was enough boobs in the ‘Puss in Boots’ story.

    This Coke would taste better if it were still made with cocaine.

    PS, cinema has never quite been original.
    Sequels, a la “It worked the first time so let’s kill it to death”.
    Adaptations from foreign films – your film industry thinks you’re idiots and must be kept that way.
    Re-makes of the same movie – “It’s more than a year old, it must be updated for contemporary audiences!”
    Books into film – “Oh no it’s okay, don’t read that fantastic book, just watch this meh film!”
    Shakespeare and other Classics re-visited – from “Pride and Prejudice” to “Clueless”

  49. Speaking as a wannabe screenwriter, I will tell you that there are great unproduced scripts to choose from out there, if I say so myself. But Hollywood likes to do this every so often because no one ever lost their job greenlighting the sequel of a successful movie.

    Sigh.

    This is why I’m going back to books. Srsly.

    And you and Victor remain genius.

  50. “Puss and Boobs” was much much better than “Shrek, the Turd” which, honestly, is more of a fetish film. Honestly, I should have seen that coming. TWPFS (that’s what Princess Fiona said).

  51. Speaking of “Pirates of the Carribean, Part Awful” — did you die a thousand deaths watching it? I was actually enraged at how horrible it was — I still don’t know what it was about. I just remember Keith Richards in the beginning and thinking that was kind of hot, and about six hours later there were mermaids with sharp teeth who swam really, really fast and that was also kind of hot — but the rest of it was a muddy, murky 3-D mess. My 8 year-old started crying halfway through, not because he was scared but BECAUSE HE WAS BORED.

  52. I’m not entirely convinced “Puss in Boots” needs a new name when it becomes a porno flick. I’m sure deformity fetishists would be turned on by a disembodied vagina wearing shoes. (I hope I just invented the term “deformity fetishist” and that’s not actually a thing. To be clear, I don’t condone the objectification of vaginas that wear shoes. Or any footwear, really. Unless we’re talking Uggs, in which case bitch brought that on herself.)

  53. a. Husband HATES the previews and always tries to make me late.
    b. I LOVE the previews. They kept me from seeing any of the other Pirate of C movies except the first one.
    c. I’m with Websavvymom and vote for Puss and Booty.

  54. And this is why I don’t go to the movies anymore.

    The previews start off pretty cool but when it comes right down to it most of the time the previews are the movie and not worth going to see the fill ins where the previews left off. I wait til everything comes to DVD. Seriously the film makers need to figure out that people aren’t gonna shell out money to see a sequel that was just like the first can we say “Hangover 2”?

    I agree with all y’all that I am going back to books to pass the time.

  55. I still think that it is May 27th, so where does that put me? At least you were at the theatre. I experienced the special kind of brain damage that comes with watching the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie with my three year old. He loved it. I made a red wine spritzer and watched it through the cover of my book.

    I’m with Nichole up there on the Ryan Reynold’s issue. 🙂

  56. There are two reasons I never go to the movies:
    1. Most movies are lousy sequels/remakes of a movie that maybe didn’t completely suck.
    2. Watching a movie at a movie theater makes me realize how much I hate people.

  57. Next time I’m in Texas (which, ironically, now that I think about it, will be in just a couple of weeks), we *must* go to the movies together.

    Or did we already do that? Am I from the future as well? It’s like Terminator, only better cos it’s the Blogessenator. . .

  58. Mmmm- Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think you’re going to get the best trailers before Pirates of the Caribbean part 4?

  59. “Puss ‘n Boobs” Cracks me up.

    I actually want to see Cars 2, but have absolutely no interest in another Transformers. I couldn’t even get myself to see the second one.

    I swore someone just told me what he thought of Green Lantern. Maybe he was trying to impress me with his psychic powers?

  60. I’m waiting for “Everyone in Hollywood Has Crabs, Part Deux”. And I want them to CGI the shit out of it. But not the part with Keith Richards. Never with Keith.

  61. Wait, Puss in Boots hasn’t come out yet? I thought that came out like 2 or 3 years ago! Am I from the future too? Don’t you think if we were from the future we’d remember coming back in time? Time travel is confusing, I’m going to bed now.

  62. you are not focusing on the upside, we already know they are crap, and look at all the money we saved!

    also, can jenny from the future tell me why I keep thinking I live on a friday…..

  63. You know that your whole Puss in Boobs porn thing is just setting you up for porn movie anecdotes/suggestions. Anyway, here’s mine:

    Shaving Private Ryan

    This is a real porn series:

    Edward Penishands. There are about five different parts.

    And I want to watch Hangover 2 but I heard it’s the same as Hangover and that has me all pissed off because I know I will laugh and then be angry about losing 2 hours of my life.

    So tell me which film I should be watching in 2015.

  64. I thought Green Lantern and Puss in Boots came out already, too. I think I was confusing the Green Lantern with Green Hornet.

  65. I haven’t been to a good movie since God was in Pull Ups.
    Therefore I now always just live in the past whenever possible. Where’s Rudolph Valentino when you really need him?

  66. it makes me proud to know that you DID NOT go see the hangover -eleventy thousand! I never doubted you, but YAE anyway!!! What kind of world do we live in where THAT movie can become the highest opening weekend grossing comedy ever? EVER? COME ON! I’d rathre see a sequel to The Green lantern. Tell Me Future Jenny (from the Block): Does it exist?

  67. I don’t blame you for thinking Green Lantern already came out, there are so many green superheros- Green Lantern, Hornet, Arrow whatever. Not to mention all the green villains, plus Swamp Thing, Ninja Turtles and that green slime from Double Dare.

    Also, provided you have the power of sight, no movie containing more than 50% Ryan Reynolds will be anything less than pure gold. Spielberg should have hitched his wagon to that star.

  68. Someone asked – Yes, there are still Drive-In theaters out there. We go to one every summer here. Love it!

    Also, I am also perplexed at the Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots movie with Hugh Jackman. Love the man, but….really?

    You know Hollywood has jumped the shark/nuked the fridge when they are doing Smurfs, a 3D animation movie.

  69. Future Jenny, can you let me know who wins the Stanely Cup. I need to know how nice I need to be to my husband. If his team loses then I need lots of time to prepare.
    Thank you.

  70. I can’t help but think that Jenny From The Future could have given us some more important info than this. The outcomes of sporting events we could bet on or some lottery numbers would’ve been nice…

  71. Hilarious. I will mention that Steven Spielberg has produced all three Transformers films, and he even loved Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. When he screened it, he called it “Michael Bay’s best film so far”.

  72. Theaters = Cell phone misuse. Yes, I’m a grouchy old bastard.

    I saw two movies this weekend and got to see back-to-back previews of Jason Bateman movies. I found myself wondering what Mallory was up to.

    By the way, Ryan Reynolds is in one of the movies with Bateman. Ryan’s eyes are set really close together…just an observation.

  73. Theresa, all signs point to yes: the Vancouver Canucks will win the 2011 Stanley Cup.

    We stopped going to movie theaters about a decade ago, since every idiot there has tried to distract himself from the crap on the screen by douching himself with an entire bottle of perfume or cologne that gives my wife an instant (but long-lasting) migraine. We borrow all the movies for free from the public library so we can avoid the stinky hell that is other people.

  74. I’m actually quite excited about “The Green Lantern”, for a number of reasons- I adore Ryan Reynolds and it’ll be my first time seeing Taika Waititi (super handsome actor/director from New Zealand) on the big screen. But I’m not sure why they CG’d Ryan Reynolds’ ENTIRE body when he’s wearing the costume. They changed the entire shape of his body. It’s weird. And unnecessary.

    Nothing to do with the post really, just musing. But if my darling Taika has a bigger career in the USA as a result of “The Green Lantern”, I’d like to know, Jenny from the Future, so I can start hyping him up now!

  75. I have that problem too. I think it’s because they start promoting these movies the second they start making copies of the script. So annoying.

    Or maybe I’m from the future too.

  76. Dear Future Jenny,

    You could do a show critiquing movies that we from the present haven’t seen yet and totally clean up on ads because no one will need anyone else’s lame and horribly inaccurate opinions. I mean, your opinions are the future right? Who’s going to argue with that? You could let Victor show up and rant about how Marvel kicks DC in the Jimmy about three times a year on the big screen and then totally overrule him with “in the future, we refuse to see marvel movies” or some such.

    Don’t even get me started on the money to be made in coming up with all the FUTURE porn movie names.

    Genius. Sheer Genius.

    🙂

    -Tony

  77. True story-when the fourth Fast and Furious movie came out, I was confused as hell-the trailer looked like it was scenes from the first movie, and I was convinced they had rereleased the first movie (The Fast and The Furious) and just taken out the articles in the title. A friend sat me down to watch it….and I was still convinced they had just rereleased the first movie and were hoping no one noticed.

  78. There was one ‘green superhero’ movie not too long ago, now there is another slightly different but still ‘green superhero’ movie. I haven’t paid enough attention to not be confused, and am being too lazy to read the previous comments which most likely clarify it all quite well. I didn’t see the first one, I don’t plan on seeing the new one. But soon I will be on a looooong flight and will probably watch both. I have see alot of movies, but most on long haul flights while slightly delirious, so haven’t really seen any….!

  79. This one’s on you, J.

    If you stop GOING to shitty movies they’ll stop MAKING shitty movies.
    Every time you go to the box office you are literally PAYING THEM TO MAKE MORE. And they will.

  80. The husband and I watched the porn parody of Romy and Michelle’s High School reunion for research purposes and it was 1,000 times better than the movie – the plot, the acting, the costumes. All better.

  81. Ok weird: I just had this same conversation with myself last week. Not sure which is scarier; the fact that I may be from the future as well, or that I had a whole conversation with myself.

  82. Is Jenny from the Future sort of like Jenny from the Block? Seems like you totally beat her out for the “cool superhero power” award. She needed that skill about seven years ago when Marc Anthony started coming around the block, so to speak.

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