Yesterday I got an email from Scientific American magazine asking if I would be interested in submitting some ideas for science experiments for children. And I was all, OF COURSE I WOULD. After all, this is the same prestigious magazine that Einstein once contributed to.
My actual response:
Have you considered experiments regarding the proper combination of liquids? Specifically, teaching children how to mix mojitos properly.
Technically, it’s basic chemistry (with a touch of biology if you grow the mint yourself) which ends in awesomeness. Plus, the parents would have to test the final product, so you have automatic parental involvement. Personally, I would be very interested in becoming involved in that experiment. Or anything involving Zombie Apocalypse preparations. Maybe something with battle-axes.
Also, have you heard about these nuclear wolves? Because they sound scary as shit. Personally, I think we need to be concerned. We may have over-planned for zombies, and under-planned for nuclear wolves.
PS. My spellcheck says “mojito” isn’t even a real word. I think this points out exactly why this sort of education is critical in America.
To be honest, I wasn’t actually expecting a response, but I got one:
If you really want to create an experiment on the proper combination of liquids (mojitos or otherwise), can you provide some more details like the objective of the experiment, the controls and variables that you think should be present, etc.? If our edit team features it as part of the next round of BSH experiments, we’ll credit you and link to your Twitter/blog. Suggestions from your blog readers and social followers are also welcomed.
And I completely agree about making serious moves to prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse. I don’t want to scare you, but zombie fungus ants might be the real thing we need to be worried about… At least for now.
Thanks again for the response. We look forward to discussing this and other end of the world conspiracies with you further.
Which? Kind of a bad-ass response from a magazine that’s been around since the the 1850’s. Unfortunately, all I know about science is that if you flush a lit M-80 down the toilet it will fuck. up. your plumbing. Really, I can’t stress that enough. Also, you should not use roman candles to “burn away” the evidence. It totally does not work at all and just makes things worse. Plus, did you know that shower curtains are highly flammable? Because I didn’t.
PS. I have no clue how to write a proper scientific proposal and most of you are way smarter than me, so if any of you have any suggestions please feel free to leave them in the comments and I’ll have the Scientific American team come and check them out. And then we all get knighted as Professional Scientists and then we can wear white lab coats with impunity and pretend to be very important doctors who can’t be bothered to pay their bar tabs because I HAVE A MEDICAL EMERGENCY TO ATTEND TO AND THIS COAT HAS NO POCKETS FOR MY WALLET. I’m pretty sure that’s how science works.