I was paid for this post, but possibly with money stolen from cats who have better documentation than mine.

A few months ago I got an email from a company focused on “protecting my child from identity theft”, but I told them I wasn’t interested because I don’t know anyone who would intentionally choose to be my child.  My 6 year old is awesome, but she lives in a one-bedroom bedroom and she’s not allowed to go outside without a grown-up.  Plus, she can’t reach the booze cabinet, and all of her clothes have unicorns on them.  Non-ironically.

Then the identity-protection people said that they were talking about people stealing my daughter’s identity for credit purposes, and they explained that I had confused them with Invasion of the Body Snatchers, which was an awesome movie, but apparently not a documentary.  The idea still seemed ridiculous though, because Hailey is terrible with money and I assume her credit score is awful.  Last week I needed money to buy corn dogs so I traded her two quarters for the five dollar bill she’d gotten from the tooth-fairy, and when she asked me if that was a good deal I told her it totally was because “quarters are heavier than a five dollar bill”.  And she totally bought it. (PS. The corndogs were for her.  Stop judging me.)

Then the identity-theft people explained that they meant that someone could have stolen her social security number and could be using it right now, which would really fuck up her credit.  They told me to check out their Allclear product to make sure her ssn wasn’t being used, and I totally would have done that except that I hid her social security card so that no one would ever find it, and now I don’t know where it is.  True story.  But I do plan on using the product as soon as I find her social security card.  I also plan on checking to make sure people aren’t using my cat’s identity and ruining their credit, but the ID theft people said I can’t because cats don’t have social security numbers.  So first I have to get social security numbers for all my all of cats, which is way harder than you think because apparently our government wants a bunch of non-documented cats running around America.  They’re cats, government.  Not anchor babies. Stop being such assholes.

Honestly, it seems ridiculous that people would steal your kid’s identity for financial gain, but it’s also a little bit ridiculous that I got paid for writing this post. And that cats can’t get passports.  That’s the scariest thing of all.  But in a world where cats aren’t recognized as citizens and where people pretend to be your 6-year-old it’s probably safer for everyone to listen to the AllClear people and make sure your kid is clean and not just some hipster imposter who just likes unicorn t-shirts.  That kind of shit happens all the damn time.

Until supplies run out, you can click here to check out your kid’s identity here for free.  (And your cats too, but only if they have ssn’s.)

110 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Well. I say GOOD LUCK to anyone trying to steal my four year old’s identity, ’cause I’m already using that shit.

    Kelly recently posted For a girl that I love.

  2. I automatically love any company that allows you to have free reign on writing their ads. I’m going to check my kids out right now. Both to make sure they aren’t impostors and to make sure people aren’t stealing from them. Unless they’re impostors. Then they probably deserve to have their credit ruined.

  3. 3
    Nichole Proffer

    My cats can’t get a ssn, because they are foreign dignitaries. Our government fowns on that sort of thing.

  4. How do you know that THESE people aren’t stealing kids’ identities? Also, don’t the SSN people know how old you are? Why are we giving 6 year olds credit cards?

    Alison recently posted Door.

  5. Okay, I just did a check on my kid and it showed that she has credit cards. What the f…? Now I don’t know if I should report them, or just be proud that she’s so financially advanced for a toddler.

  6. Oh to be a fly on the wall when their social media team presents this to the “powers that be” within their company.

  7. What you really need to watch out for are cats trying to steal you SSN. They are the number one cause of stolen identity. The government could fix this if they would just recognize them as citizens…


    Jenna recently posted Mikes ManCraft.

  8. I agree. If Jenny gets to work all her mojo on an ad and do it however she wants, I’m all for that!

    Brenna recently posted You have to watch these elephant babies bathe NOW WITH MORE BATHING!.

  9. B’s to do list:
    1) Get a cat
    2) finish shopping up that body under our deck so it will fit in a backpack so i can throw it in a river
    3) Get cat SSN and unicorn t-shirt
    4) Get credit card for cat
    5) Give cat away buy NEW cat with old cats credit card.
    6) Repeat.

    Lady B recently posted Gyms- Personal Trainers and weight machines that belong in S&M Dungeons.

  10. Someone stole my identity once but then they brought it right back. No one wants to be me. Not even me. Sigh. . .

    Handflapper recently posted What the hell I just published this without a title I blame in-law overdose.

  11. I am terrified to check my kids’ SSN in case there is some kind of hot mess I don’t know about. Do the Allclear people (perfect name, btw, I just realized as I typed it that it actually made me feel better) have people that will come to your house, find the damn SSNs, and look it up for you in “Oh dear Lord, here, just let me do it.” style? I would pay double for that.

    Megan {Velveteen Mind} recently posted Spite the Sun.

  12. Hollywood stole my dog’s identity and made a movie out of it: The Mighty Thor. He’s fuming. Plus I will admit here, just among friends, that I also hid my kids’ SS cards so well that even I can’t find them. At least I’m in good company.

    Pauline recently posted Booty- Follow the Fleet.

  13. It really wouldn’t surprise me to find out that my 7-year-old already has several credit cards which were used to buy a vintage mustang and every Lego set known to man…but he would have done it himself.

    Never thought about getting SS#s for the Kitties…I wonder if they would put a hold on any applications for a Puppy, Booger, or Oops…but then again, those could be REAL kids names…wouldn’t surprise me.


    Vinobaby recently posted Rich- Dark- and Hunky.

  14. I want to get on the AllClear plan that Megan just invented. And I want the same thing for my taxes and making plane reservations. And everything else in my life. I would pay a lot for that.

  15. Toddlers with credit cards, now there’s a frightening image.

    Phoenix Talon recently posted Mars Needs a Better Screenplay.

  16. I kind of like the idea of my cats being undocumented.. they’re off the grid. There’s something distinctly badass about not existing in the eyes of the government. You know, as an individual. It’s not nearly as cool when whole groups of people are unacknowledged.

    Andie recently posted Move along folks- nothing to see here.

  17. Dear Jenny,

    As a public official, I think you should be quite concerned with the very real possibility that your boss is an undocumented worker, and demand to see his papers.

    …but then cats don’t actually work, so never mind.

    Yours truly,

    Adam Jones

    Adam Jones recently posted Time Crisis 11.

  18. I think you made a good point about the unicorns. Who would want to steal a child’s identity when they’re not even into real animals? The only real unicorn is Charlie and his kidney was stolen on Charlie the Unicorn. You can find it on YouTube…

    All Fooked Up recently posted In which i’m so damn stupid i surprise myself.

  19. I’ve complained that my cat is lazy, and won’t lift a paw to earn her keep. Now I know why. If the government won’t even give her a social security number, where’s the incentive?

    Barbara recently posted Winning!.

  20. Oh, and first I thought you said “AllsClear” which is a window washing company down in New Orleans that a friend of mine owns, and I was all, what the hell? Why is he harvesting SSNs? But then I realized that this was a totally different company that apparently supports undocumented welfare cats.

    Laura recently posted Photo Envy or Stuffed Animal Hoarder.

  21. I think the punishment for identity theft should be that the for realsies person gets to choose what they keep. like “steal my social security card, get stuck with all my student loans! Suckah!”

    ADD girl recently posted Things that are funny every time.

  22. Once a little girl in south Texas used my son’s SSN to get into elementary school. For the first 6 years he went to school we had to provide a copy of his social security card. I even knew the little girl’s name by the time it was all over with.

    And another time my sister-in-law’s Gordon setter, Ashley, received a free subscription to an aviation magazine. Interestingly, the offer came with a postcard that asked what breed of pilot she was. Thinking back, Ashley was a bird dog, so it’s fairly logical that she would subscribe to an aviation magazine, although I’d think that stories about bird strikes would give her nightmares.

  23. As someone who had their credit seriously fucked up by identity theft before the age of 18, I think it’s swell that y’all are putting this on people’s radar. That incident was not just a paperwork nightmare, it cost my mucho money in additional student loan interest, blah blah blah, I’m tired of typing this. MORE IMPORTANT: Speaking of your cat, I just found out yesterday there is a polydactyl cat sanctuary disguised as a Hemmingway museum in the Florida Keys. Have you heard this? News to me. They say all the cats descend from his same cat, Snowball. They also take a very liberal stance on incestuous conception among the fur babies http://www.hemingwayhome.com/HTML/our_cats.htm …which is kind of odd to put on your website. I am going for sure. People say the Keys run ramped with pie and wild chickens. Does it get any better?

  24. Her SSN will be on your taxes from last year.

    Brooke Farmer recently posted What I am doing instead of going bat shit crazy.

  25. So, if I want to protect my child from identity theft, all I have to do is send all the information necessary to steal my child’s identity (and mine, since they want the parent’s SSN as well) to a third-party company that I’ve never heard of before and that doesn’t seem to be subject to any kind of regulation or oversight? Sounds like a great idea. Too bad I don’t actually have a child.

    Laura recently posted Too Much of a Good Thing.

  26. Seems… Legit? (Question mark exclamation point?)

    Chelsie recently posted As God is my witness- I shall never again speak of what transpired tonight.

  27. I saw the Today Show segment they did and then I immediately forgot to check them out. They must realize that your audience is made of irresponsible readers who need reminders.

    They nailed us.

  28. My goal is to steal a cat this weekend, get its ssn, and then give the cat back. (Allergies.) And then I’m gonna use that ssn to refinance my home mortgage because I’m pretty dang sure any cat can get a better interest rate then I’ve got.

    Phoenix Rising recently posted Fabulous Friday Giveaway- The Gift of HOW TO DO IT.

  29. Like I didn’t have enough to be paranoid about. No I’ve got to worry that my six year old needs a credit card for a secret shopping addiction. On a positive note, she’d definitely have her own reality TV show, so we’d actually MAKE money from her sneakiness and theft. I am not sure that is a good moral for her to learn. Parenthood is way tougher than I thought it would be.

    Betty Fokker recently posted It could be worse.

  30. when i was younger, a credit card company sent our dog a visa card. like, in 1994. i guess that was before they cared about shit like ‘credit scores’ and ‘citizenship’ and ‘social security numbers’. i wanted to keep it and go on a doggie shopping spree, but my stepfather called up the credit card company and gave them what for.

    ALSO. awesome husband and i have been the victims of identity theft on three occasions, all dating back to when he was pickpocketed in a red lobster before we got married.

    ALSO ALSO. i think i should be able to get my cats SSNs. i also think i should be able to claim them on my taxes for numerous reasons. one is the $387 in vet fees i’ve paid in the last three weeks for one of them. another is the fact that they are all rescues, and i paid a ‘donation’ to adopt them, so they are technically charity cases.

    steph gas recently posted live from new york.

  31. 31
    Rachel in Alabama

    I would pay for this service if they could show my kids how to flush the toilet. Is’s hard to care about the little heathens’ credit scores when one is surrounded by the smell of their shit. Maybe whoever steals their identity can do this. I give up.

  32. OMG

    We moved 3 years ago and we were getting married shortly thereafter. We needed new passports for our honeymoon, and to get new passports you need your birth certificate.

    I don’t know if you know this, but moving and planning a wedding at the same time is a lot of fucking work, so naturally, we put off the whole passport thing until basically the last possible minute.

    When we finally were ready to go the passport office I went intot he box of files to dig out our birth certificates. Nowhere to be found. SHOCKER.

    We looked EVERYWHERE but no fucking luck, so I had to send away for emergency birth certificates and then emergency passports. I may or may not have pretended someone died in Paris.

    The birth certificates were never found and I was convinved that two poeple were walking around with our identify doing all kinds of illegal and immoral things with them.

    Until 2 weeks ago. I found them in the bottom of the basket in the front hall with all my purses and scarves and shit. Just sitting there. Along with the bus maps I printed when we first moved here.

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted Ok So Im not so clever either.

  33. not true. my cat filed for bankruptcy during the last recession.

    Simone recently posted Time is no relative of mine.

  34. If my company put me in charge of advertising, I would send all of it to you!

    Gigi recently posted I should probably write a post so you wont think Ive fallen off the face of the earthsigh.

  35. What supplies would run out? The Internet?

  36. I’m sorry but, the only part of that post that I can focus on is the, “five dollar bill she’d gotten from the tooth-fairy”. I would so intentionally choose to be your child AND, the first thing I would do is yank out all of my teeth and place them gingerly under my pillow……………

    The Hubby Diaries recently posted Captain Ron.

  37. Obviously, I love this company for giving you free reign, and therefore trust them implicitly, and yet my natural paranoia keeps me from using them. I mean, it’s a genius move, but I’m on to them. As soon as I click….BAM! Virtual syphilis! Then, whilst my brain is turning into Swiss Cheese (even Johnny Depp didn’t make Syphilis look good), they will take my identity, my children’s identity and possibly the dog’s and buy, like, an island. Once I’m recovered (thank God for penicillin) I’ll wake from this horrible nightmare to find out that I am the proud owner of a private Island and a houseboy named Tomas and…..wait. That actually sounds AWESOME (you know except for the penicillin part. Those shots HURT…or so I hear).
    Yeah, ok. Maybe I will check out that site after all. Also, could I trouble you for a recommendation for a reliable fad diet site? OBVIOUSLY, I’m going to need to get bikini ready if I’m going to be frolicking with the houseboy on my island. That won’t have extradition laws.

    The Queen B recently posted The Restorer Graveyard Queen 1 by Amanda Stevens.

  38. You can get your cat a passport – if you live in the EU. Turns out it’s more of a proof-of-vaccination type document, rather than proof of citizenship but still kind of cool.

  39. You guys, I’m pretty sure we all have a legal right to FREE credit report checks every 6 months or so. There’s no need to pay a 3rd party company to do this. (I’d google it and post a link to info but I’m on my phone right now)

  40. My cat’s credit is better than mine because he has a job. He is a spokescat for Apple’s line of iSmug devices. Nobody can pull off smugness better than my cat…well maybe James Garfield, but he is too busy doing altruistic shit to engage in hype and commerce.

    Jonah Gibson recently posted Evaluating Hookers- not all performance reviews go through HR.

  41. Huh. Evidently some cats DO have jobs: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/top-10-bodega-cats-keeping-cool . I’ll bet they’re using stolen Social Security Numbers, since the government won’t give them one of their own.,

    Barbara recently posted Generic Pot.

  42. clearly this should also be a tv advertisement.
    because you’re amazing.

    Sarcasm in Action recently posted Blogger Face Off Round 1.

  43. I’m not overly concerned about the identify theft of our cats. Being self-sabotaging, they have refused to take either my or The Man’s last name.
    Result? No last name.
    Consequence? No SSN number.

    Our dogs …?
    Now I got worry…

    The Queer Next Door recently posted Memorial Day Madness.

  44. You mean I have to find my kids’ social security cards? You might as well have me search for the holy grail. And don’t even ask me about the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow. Math is not my strong suit.

    Angela@BeggingTheAnswer recently posted This Is Why I’m Not Allowed To Write Articles For Cosmo.

  45. How do I know the AllClear people haven’t stolen YOUR identity, made more authentic by the gratuitous use of the word “unicorn”? I already KNOW my kids’ identities – I’m the one who NAMED THEM, motherfuckers!

    Julie the Wife recently posted Its Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 64.

  46. You know, you’d think the government would give cats a break and let them travel abroad. I mean, have they fucking forgotten the fact that rats are KNOWN to dig cruises and spread their plague around like it was going out of style. We need to combat that like the terrorism that it is, and since cats don’t have thumbs, the military can’t train them to shoot.

    The only way we can protect ourselves is to let Mittens GO to the Middle East, GET me some fabulous carpets (you know, for the defence of my floors) and ROOT OUT TERRORISM.

    You know, y annoying the crap out of people by meowing outside their fucking doors ALL. DAY. LONG. Even thow they KNOW that their Human works nights and needs more g-d sleep than they need attention.

  47. I think the identity protection people are purposely misleading you as part of some kind of conspiracy. I don’t know what kind…haven’t gotten that far. BUT I have totally seen an example of identity thieves pretending to be children. Remember that movie “Little Man” with the Wayans brothers? As a result of that movie (which I can only assume WAS a documentary, unlike Invasion of the Body Snatchers), I routinely ask my children a series of “security” questions to make sure that they are who they say they are. You can never be too sure and I’m not providing room and board for a bunch of lazy freeloaders. Wait…yes, I am.

    Lori stefanac recently posted See Lola Takes Requests! A Repost of an Oldie but Goodie You’re Welcome.

  48. “I want to get on the AllClear plan that Megan just invented. And I want the same thing for my taxes and making plane reservations. And everything else in my life. I would pay a lot for that.”

    That’s basically my job at the Uni. Hire me?

  49. I don’t have children and if my dog has better credit than me I’ll jump off the roof but it really is a big issue in today’s world. I see it all the time in my job and have had the pleasure of my husband’s ex-wife’s crap showing up on my credit report. Fun stuff.

    The Candid Wife recently posted “PMS Again”.

  50. I’m pretty sure All Clear is harvesting SSNs and selling them to Yakusa gangsters and Columbian drug dealers. Maybe to street urchins in Bangalore, too. Watch out, dude!

  51. Wait, I’m confused. The only people in my house with credit cards ARE my kids. How else would we buy groceries and guns?

    Alex@LateEnough recently posted On Becoming A God-Loving Liberal.

  52. Sooo… were you paid for that post? o.0

    Yes, I was being a smart ass.
    On a related note, my cat’s have ssns and my kids have cards. We roll that way.

    Tracey recently posted Ancient Deliciousness!.

  53. Click here and enter your SS#? No thank you. Not even if the Bloggess suggest, asks, begs, or pays me too. Because Weiner was hacked, so how can our beloved Bloggess be safe? Quick, somebody drive down to Texas and make sure she’s okay…

    kettletop recently posted More Thoughts on the Warrior Ethos.

  54. 54
    Jim Porter

    If I had a kid I would totally steal its identity. Bad stuff only stays on the credit report for like 7 years, right? That’s good for two or three cycles of FREE STUFF FOR ME.

  55. I like unicorns. Not ironically.
    Okay , maybe a little ironically. I’m also drunk right now…..off of half a drink. So sad.

    Johi recently posted A stroll through my estate.

  56. What if the cats steal your kids identities? What if I want more cats but my husband says I am no tallowed because five is enough. What if I argue that since they are undocumented in the first place, it doesn’t goddam well matter how many I have.

    I forsee a lonely old age in my future.

    "Susan Says..." recently posted The Train to Bitchland.

  57. Sup Bloggess,
    I was going to complain that dogs aren’t getting their due credit in this issue, but I concede that they wouldn’t know what to do once they got their credit cards. Probably freeze them in water for an emergency. It really IS cats that pose the threat to another American financial meltdown. Our family cat truly did have the look of a feline posed for high credit card bills.

    The Cheeky Daddy

    Jason recently posted Graduation Day.

  58. I don’t have kids, I only have myself. And no, I didn’t give birth to myself if that’s what you’re asking. That would be creepy. So I’d check out my own ss # to make sure people weren’t stealing my identity to mess up my credit but I’m pretty sure I already did that myself. I wonder if I can blame it on someone else. Kids perhaps. Or a cat.

    Jaymes recently posted Just For The FORK Of It.

  59. This why I am planning on being a crazy cat lady. So I can fuck up all of their credit and then have new cats.

    Sharon recently posted Getting excited about gas prices kinda makes me think I am getting old.

  60. Because of the work I do (Information forensics and electronic investigations) I was also a bit concerned that this could be a harvesting mechanism. A quick check on AllClearID.com:

    – The domain was created 3/12/2010. Typically with scams the domains don’t stick around that long. (source: Network Solutions/Tucows whois info)

    – The Registrant of the domain is Debix, Inc. A quick check of the Debix site shows direct links to the AllClearID.com site, confirming the registration connection. (source: Debix.com website, Network solutions/Tucows whois info)

    – Debix was actually tapped by Sony to deal with Sony’s latest data breach issues. (source: Wikipedia entry on Debix, Google “Sony and Debix”)

    Looks legit. I spent all of 3 minutes on this, though, so my lawyers would want me to say “This is my opinion, form your own before taking action”. Lawyers say the darndest things…

  61. Can we opt for partial identity theft? I will gladly provide my 5yo’s info if this means she’ll act less douchey, but keep her awesome bits.

    mrtl recently posted A View From Jem.

  62. In Australia, not only could your cat have a CRN, but they could also get $600 a fortnight, free healthcare and the government would pay them to send their Kittens to school, and chuck a Plasma and Laptop in for goodwill.

  63. 64
    The Original Lisa

    So what you really learned from all this, is skip the tooth fairy money, and just leave corndogs under Hailey’s pillow.

  64. 65
    Scarlett Angell

    Jenny, I’m seriously starting to wonder if we are related…

  65. God, I wish I could blame my shitty credit on my non-existent children leaving their identity cards lying around! Actually, I’d settle for blaming it on my own ID being stolen, but alas, it is all mine. BTW, in Brisbane (Australia), all dogs and cats must be council registered, so technically our cat has an ID #. It’s not long enough to be a Tax File Number (our pretending-not-to-be-a-national-identity version of an SSN), so I can’t get a credit card in her name. Not that I’ve tried. Really. Ahem.

    EarleyDaysYet recently posted What a heinously ugly world this man must inhabit.

  66. Coins being better than notes because they’re heavier? I’ve been burnt by that one before…

    Lisa Harries recently posted Hey- I can totally stop if I wanted to I just dont want to.

  67. Professor Jenny, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it’s time for your viewers to crack each other’s heads open and feast on the goo inside?

    Tara recently posted Royal Weddings Need More Meth.

  68. You are simply awesome. Not that I needed a reminder of why I love you so much, but you gave it to me today.

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted Hijacking Dates One Social Living Deal at a Time.

  69. Invasion of the Body Snatchers scared the Beejesus outta when when I was a kid back in the late 50’s. Even now, I think my MIL just might be a pod person.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted The news was bad- very bad.

  70. When did the tooth fairy start leaving 5 bucks under the pillow? I am going to need to steal my kids’ identity just to keep up with the going rate for teeth.

    Windsor Andersen’s latest blog: http://eatlovebikini.blogspot.com/

    Windsor recently posted EAT - W A T E R M E L O N.

  71. Well, someone could TRY using my daughter identity, but it wouldn’t get them far. Girl has got an attitude and would seriously do some damage. She’s only 5 foot tall, but she’s a varsity cheerleader and those chicks are scary. And strong.

  72. That’s why it’s called making “change.” You CHANGE two quarters into a five.

    Fred Miller recently posted Sweet Dildo Wine.

  73. Oops, and I thought AllClear was a skin product for adolescents. My bad.

    Laurie F. recently posted The Worst Flight Ive Taken.

  74. NOrmally I hate paid posts, but that was, like… AWESOME. (I am not terribly concerned about my cat’s identity from being stolen. And Canadians don’t have SSNs – Does that mean we can’t be checked?!)

    Hi, I'm Natalie. recently posted I Have No Words.

  75. cats do have passports in Italy ! 🙂

    mominrome recently posted Family secrets N1-Soffritto and tuna fish spaghetti.

  76. This whole cat discrimination thing is terrible. Cats are people too. And frankly, considering their power on the internet, if I was the government, I would want to keep tabs on them.
    I’m not sure there isn’t some kind of cat conspiracy going on there.

    We need to band together and demand equal social security number status for our cats. Someone should start a facebook page or something.

  77. The trick to get your cat a SSN is to name them after people who actually exist, or existed. Then you can claim the person stole your cat’s identity because there’s no way he would have spent $800 on a pair of kitten mittens that hadn’t been specifically made to accommodate his extra toes due to his polydactylism!

    Have you checked James Garfield’s SSN yet?

    SisterMerryHellish recently posted Wish I Was Here!.

  78. Interesting stuff. We have no kids, and no cats, though we do have two dogs. No one will steal them, cuz then they get to pay the food bills and doggies day car bills and pick up an inordinate amount of mushy dog poo in very small bags. I think we are safe…

  79. What if you are like 30 and act like you were when you were, say, 15. Technically you are stealing a child’s identity, but its your own. And it is from the future. How do you protect against THAT identity protector? Huh? Huh?

    Dani recently posted Survey SaysThis Is the Most Ridiculous Answer Yet.

  80. I tried your trading quarters for five dollar bills idea with my 6-year-old nephew. He laughed in my face.

    Jacqui recently posted The Wait Is Over….

  81. I have a mental block when it comes to my daughter’s SSN; the second digit is either an 8 or a 9 but no matter how many times I look it up I always forget it. Consequently, it’s entirely possible that all of her tax information is either being attributed to some stranger or alternatively is floating somewhere in the ozone. I’m kind of comfortable with the number that’s on her passport (isn’t your social security number on your passport? I’ll have to check next time I have it out), but since I keep the passports in a safe and I can’t remember how to open it without diagrams and a dozen attempts, I rarely open it. In any case, it’s possible that she’ll end up in Leavenworth either for providing false information to the government or for lifting someone else’s identity, and that would be sad because I’d miss her.

    Sharyn recently posted Good Grief! We Are Colossal Nerds!.

  82. 83
    Heather H

    Ummm…not sure who told you cats can’t have passports. Mine do. All three of them – official EU passports. Make it much easier to take my cats to Paris.


  83. Dude. You are good. I love that we’re all commenting on an ad post! I have nothing else to say, except maybe that I’m too lazy too check my kids’ credit scores. LAY-ZEEEEEEEEEE.

    Craftwhack recently posted I just freaking got so talked at.

  84. Great. I just spent 10 minutes looking for my kids’ SIN cards and I can’t find them! I’m gonna go all OCD on this shit. I blame you. Thanks.

  85. Found them! I call Taksie Backsie. S’all good.

  86. The Better Business Bureau has nothing on them…am skeptical.

    Jodi recently posted Growing Up- Holding On.

  87. I don’t know much about passports for *cats* but my parrot has one. For seriously. Turns out they won’t let you into or out of Canada without one, even if you are a bird. Granted he *thinks* he’s a person so perhaps that counts. It does however take months and months of work and endless phone loops and a bit of crying and loads of insisting that you REALLY DO have to both leave the country and then return later before the government will tell you how to go about getting a pet passport.

    Cassandra recently posted Moonbounce Rapture.

  88. […] she doesn’t need the small amount of traffic that will result in me featuring her post about identity protection for cats, this really is about highlighting the writing I enjoy each week. Jenny is always funny, but this […]

  89. I’m fairly certain that the majority of children who have their credit screwed up have it done by their own parents. Soooo, basically a parent can check to see how bad they’ve done so? “Now let me see what else I can buy on little Johnny’s credit before I move on to little Janie’s…”

    thehaughtylibrarian recently posted “I Don’t Wanna Hafta Think At All!”.

  90. True story, this happened to my cousin’s son. Some people are really messed up.

    ps. Why is social security racist against cats? I think you should move to Canada. We give credit to anyone, regardless of age, race, or number of paws.

    bschooled recently posted Because if Eva is bored…well- then it goes without saying- really.

  91. You may want to look into this for Sir James Garfield.

    Rico Swaff recently posted In the Past 2 Weeks I Have Almost Hit 2 Cows With My Car.

  92. How do all those cats that star in commercials get paid then? If they don’t have a SSN, do they have taxes? Could I just say I’m a cat and so I don’t have to pay taxes when I work? I’m definitely going to have to do more research on this.

    Sadly, I did have a friend who’s credit was all sorts of fucked up by this exact thing happening to him when he was a kid…primarily because his Mother is so horrible with money, boundaries, ethics, etc. I bet she never once used a service like this.

    The Mommy Therapy recently posted My Stella Prayer.

  93. Hysterical!

  94. 95

    Cats in Europe, or at least the ones in France, do have passports (passeports), as do dogs and other pets

    however, they do have to be microchipped

  95. Look, if they’ll let dead people vote in Chicago, then they goddamn jolly well could let cats have social security numbers. People leave their inheritance to their pets all the time, don’t they? How do they collect the taxes on that?

    The IRS should be all over that shit. If we have to pay inheritance tax, then why not the pets? Totally unfair. What, do pets have some sort of SSN-avoiding LOBBY in washington? Fuck’s sake.


  96. This sounds so ridiculously fishy to me. Like…I’m pretty sure I’ve been told a million times that no matter how legit someone sounds, not to give away something that important to a random site. There’s a little voice in my brain that smacks me upside itself every time I consider putting even my phone number into a form submission.

    Man…I really love this blog, but paid posts make me a sad lady. 🙁

    Wednesday recently posted We Also Serve Scrambled Eggs.

  97. I work in the information industry (I actually head up the risk department) and can tell you how freakin’ scary and pervasive identity theft is. Child identity theft is on an unprecedented rise, BUT (there’s always a BUT)… companies like this one kind of infuriate me, because they’re feeding on the fear of parents. When a child’s identity is stolen, more often than not, it’s a family member who stole it.

    There are some free ways to determine if your child’s SSN is being used. For instance, does your child receive mail from non-profit organizations (seems silly, but they buy their mailing lists)? Does your child receive offers for credit cards or loans?

    You’re also entitled to a free copy of your credit report, from each of the three major bureaus, annually. Go ahead and request a copy of your kid’s report yourself. If it’s blank, you’re good to go.

    General tips for protecting your kid’s identity (and yours, too): don’t give out your kid’s name, address, SSN or DOB over the phone — even if they claim to be collecting on a debt. Any debt collector should send their request in writing.

    Always call the company back. I’d recommend NOT using the number “they” give you. Get the company name and Google it, and call them back on THAT number.

    (This is going to sound like an advertisement, but….) For more information on how to protect your identity, and to find out how many data breaches have occurred since 2005, go to privacyrights.org

    Sarah recently posted Painted Clouds.

  98. No lie. This happened to me. Though, I was older than 6… but still a minor. Sucks majorly.

  99. I would be mad that Americans can check in their kids’ credit cards, because it would be cool if my kids could finally pay for something themselves. Then I remembered that cats (and dogs but I’m not keen on dogs) CAN get their own passports in the UK, so I think we may win on that.

    Penbleth recently posted If I said I had an exciting weekend would you hold it against me.

  100. Once you get her SS# from your tax return (if you can find your tax return), put it in your cell phone as a phone number by adding a ‘0’ on the end. That’s what I did for my two, although I pity someone who might find my phone if I lose it and tries to call the numbers for “Herhi Ness” or “Skate Enguy”.

    Jami recently posted Sharing is caring.

  101. I thought AllClear was a company selling anti-zits medications. Or anti-diarrhea. Or actually FOR-Diarrhea.

    Somehow though, any company that is seriously asking you to advertise for them KNOWING fully what you are all about gets immediately elevated to being cool.

    subWOW recently posted The Curious Case of Ruby- the Anti-Barbie.

  102. 103

    Good luck …. Cause all my cats filed for Bankruptcy. And my kids owe Blockbuster for unreturned stuff. Oh and my 14 month old has over due library fines!

    RebeccaLk recently posted Internet Dating For Boneheads- The Hopeless &amp The Normal!.

  103. My cat ate my social security card. Then someone stole my cat…

  104. What disturbs me the most is that someone has called you, knows you have a young child and then asks for their SSN. I have never and will never give my children’s information to anyone. All the telephone sales agents now have your children’s SSN numbers, ages, home address, etc. Who knows who will end up with that data when they sell that information to the next company that needs more leads. Trust me no one cares more for your child’s safety, and security than you, the parent.

  105. A coworker of mine had her cat summoned for jury duty multiple times and was given a warning if it continued to skip out of their civic duty. Fail!
    heres the article…

  106. Back in the days of being able to have ridiculously overpriced CDs sent to you in the mail, my mom actually signed both my sister and myself up for a membership (I was twelve, my sister was ten), and then bought a bunch of CDs knowing that they couldn’t come after “us” when “we” didn’t pay because we were minors. I kind of wish child identity theft protection was a thing back then. Not so much because I am mad that my mom used my name to get CDs, but that she didn’t even let me pick out ANY of the CDs she got. And I was twelve and music was becoming, like, a really super huge deal to me. Bitch.

    Malleable Reality recently posted See Nic Walk. Walk, Nic, Walk..

  107. This actually happened to my brother when he was in middle school! All of the sudden my mom started getting calls from creditors and we had to change his SSN, it was way more trouble than a 6th grader should get in without being directly involved.

    Meg recently posted Atlantic City Wedding!.

  108. It happens to me sometimes, too. luxury car rental Orlando

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