This morning I had a fight with Victor about towels. I can’t tell you the details because it wasn’t interesting enough to document at the time, but it was basically me telling Victor I needed to buy new bath towels, and Victor insisting that I NOT buy towels because I “just bought new towels“. Then I pointed out that the last towels I’d bought were hot pink beach towels, and he was all “EXACTLY” and then I hit my head against the wall for an hour.
Then Laura came to pick me up so we could go to the discount outlet together, and as Victor gave me a kiss goodbye he lovingly whispered, “You are not allowed to bring any more goddam towels in this house or I will strangle you“. And that was exactly what I was still echoing through my head an hour later, when Laura and I stopped our shopping carts and stared up in confused, silent awe at a display of enormous metal chickens, made from rusted oil drums.
Laura: I think you need one of those.
me: You’re joking, but they’re kind of horrifically awesome.
Laura: I’m not joking. We need to buy you one.
me: The 5-foot tall one was $300, marked down to $100. That’s like, $200 worth of chicken for free.
Laura: You’d be crazy not to buy that. I mean, look at it. IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY.
me: Victor’d be pissed.
Laura: Yup.
me: But on the plus side? It’s not towels.
Laura: Yup.
me: We will name him Henry. Or Charlie. Or O’Shannesy.
Laura: Or Beyoncé.
me: Or Beyoncé. Yes. And when our friends are sad we can leave him at their front door to cheer them up.
Laura: Exactly. It’ll be like, “You thought *yesterday* was bad? Well, now you have a enormous metal chicken to deal with. Perspective. Now you have it.”
Then we flagged down a salesman, and we were all “What can you tell us about these chickens?”, as if we were in an art gallery, and not in a store that specializes in last years’ bathmats. He didn’t know anything about them, but he said that they’d only only sold one and it was to a really drunk lady, and then Laura and I were all “SOLD. All this chicken belongs to us now.”
So he loaded it onto a trolley, but Beyoncé was surprisingly unstable, and the giant 5 foot metal chicken crashed over onto the floor. And Laura and I were all “CHICKEN DOWN! CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3” but he didn’t laugh. Then the manager came to see what was causing all the commotion, and that’s when he found the very-conservative salesman unhappily struggling to right an enthusiastically pointy chicken which was almost as tall as he was. The salesman was having a hard time, and he told everyone to stand back “because this chicken will cut you“, and at first I thought he meant it as a threat, like “That chicken has a shiv”, but turns out he just meant that all the chickens’ ends were sharp and rusty. It was awesome, and Laura and I agreed that even if we got tetanus, this chicken had already paid for himself even before we got it in her truck.
Then we got to my house and quietly snuck the chicken up to my front door, rang the doorbell, and hid around the corner.
Victor opened the door and looked at the chicken in stunned silence for about 3 seconds. Then he sighed, closed the door and walked away.
Laura: What the fuck? That’s it? That’s the only reaction we get?
me: That’s it. He’s a hard man to rattle.
Victor was surprisingly pissed that I’d “wasted money” on an enormous chicken, because apparently he couldn’t appreciate the hysterical value of a 5 foot chicken ringing the doorbell. Then I said, “Well, at least it’s not towels” and apparently that was the wrong thing to say because that’s when Victor screamed and stormed off, but I knew he was locked in his office because I could hear him punching things in there. Then I yelled through his door, “It’s an anniversary gift for you, asshole. Two whole weeks early. 15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”
Then he yelled that he wanted it gone, but I couldn’t move it myself, so instead I said okay and went to watch tv. Then when the UPS guy came I hid, but he was all “Dude. Nice chicken” and Victor yelled, “IT IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN”. Which was probably very confusing to the UPS guy, who was just trying to be polite, Victor. Victor seemed more disgruntled than usual, so I finally dragged the chicken into the backyard and wedged it into a clump of trees so that it could scare the snakes away. Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyoncé directly in front of his only window. And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.” I told him that he could move Beyoncé if he wanted to, but he totally hasn’t. Probably because of all of the giant rocks I piled on Beyonce’s feet to dissuade burglars. Or possibly because Beyoncé is growing on him. Still, I can’t help but think that we wouldn’t even be having this argument if Beyoncé was towels. Honestly, this whole chicken is really a lesson in picking your battles more carefully. Plus, he’s awesome and I can’t stop giggling every time I look at him. Beyoncé, that is.
Best. 15th anniversary. ever.
UPDATED 2012: It’s been half a year and people still continue to laugh, scream indignantly and to ask questions, so here are a few follow-ups. Victor and I are still (of course) happily married and after a few weeks he got over his giant rooster aversion. Beyonce stares at him from outside his office window. I eventually got new towels. “Knock-knock, motherfucker” is embroidered on all of them. Victor was not impressed. Beyonce-the-giant-metal-chicken now has her own Facebook page with over 30,000 highly imaginative fans, and you can buy your own travel-sized Beyonce right here for under $20. You’re welcome world. Now please stop yelling at me.
I have a friend that this would be perfect for, she has a chicken theme in her home.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=898299773528197&l=1bc4dbf5c7 A cookie tableau in your honor. I use “knock knock motherfucker” at every oportunity, even when it doesn’t really apply, because, really, when DOESN’T it apply!
opportunity argggg
I have you beat. I have a 9ft chicken in my front yard, named Eggward. Ha! 🐓
My husband and I did not fight over our giant metal chicken – he just walked away from me in the store. Wanted to pretend he was not with me!!!!!!! Wish I could post a photo of him!
This is a really funny article, that is one huge chicken in there..^_^. I an’t help laughing, this blog is like reading about my self few years ago, thank you so much for sharing your humor to us. I think metal farming is a really good idea, LOL, aside from the fact the I love chicken so much, Beyonce is a cool name too..LOL
Hey there, Bloggess. I just wanted to let you know that I nominated you for one very official sounding “Very Inspiring Blogger” WordPress award. Very official.
Also, I bought 3 of your books. One for me, and 2 for friends. One of them looked at it politely, but slightly skeptically, until I explained that you tend to surprise your husband with big metal Chickens. 3 days later he emailed me, all in caps, attempting to convey how much he liked your book. Thank you for helping me prove that to my friend that I am always right.
3.5 years later and this is still making me laugh my ass off. And my husband is still looking at me like I got 2 heads.
I found this in my email box, almost 4 years to when I first read it. lol Its still a great story that puts a smile on my face. Thank you for sharing.
That’s funny stuff. I personally did the opposite. I did it to my wife. I went and pd. 1500.00 for an eight foot tall rooster, put it in the front yard and when my wife asked me wtf!!??? I said “there honey, I told you I had the biggest cock north of the river!!!! Lol
This made me laugh! Thank you
I collect chickens myself but have never found any as glorious as Beyonce. You are my hero.
“Random Crap” just brightens the day!
Ahaha hilarious as always!
Late to the party, but GIANT CHICKEN! I will have one!
In case you haven’t already seen it, here for your consideration is an even bigger – though accidental – chicken, the famed “Angry Chicken” of Kutztown University near where I grew up. If you don’t see it right away, keep looking.
My reply is a few years late, but thats ok im a little behind the times! My bff from back in 6th grade (lets call her sis) a few years ago gets this thing up her but about a rooster. I have no frickin idea where it comes from, but then if u knew us ud know that tht most of the shit we say comes from out of left field somewhere! So i just roll with it. One day at the store i find the most hideous excuse for a rooster! I start laughin so hard cause i keep thinking of sis i got all red faced with tears rollin all the way down n2 my shirt. I end up down on a knee when i can finally take n a breath. Lo and behold tht breath is a snort! I have several people standing around me but look to terrified to touch me like im contagious when finally a manager bumps through the crowd to asses me. Now imagine rudolphs bright red nose… thats me from the neck up! By now i have devoloped a bad case of the hiccups. The mananger asks me if i nees help and somehow i get out tht yes i want to buy this hideous thing. It was had been there so long it had been put behind all the clearance stuff. Originally $100 marked down to $10. I knew i had to send it my rooster obsesed sis. they couldnt get me out of the store fast enough! Well lets just say it took some crearive wrapping so i could send it,n then i paid more to ship that damn thing than i had paid for it never once thinking it would become the mascot for our friendship! When she got it ans opened it she yelles ‘BEYONCE’. Until today i always assumed it was just a name she came up with. But i will twll u this. Since ” BEYONCE’ has enterwd our lives weve laughed long n hard about it. Ive even taken sis to visit a 15 foot cock! Unfortunately we were unable to bring tht one home with us. But i do have pics! I love ur stories as they sound just like me n sis! Thanks
Lina
When I first read about this in your book, I went to my mom (I was fifteen at the time) and said: “We need to buy a giant metal chicken.” She said FUCK NO. Fast forward a few years, what does she get for Christmas from a relative? TWO TINY SOLAR POWERED METAL CHICKENS.
I DID NOT PROMPT THAT. And she has them proudly displayed in her kitchen and adores her chickens.
I WIN.
CRYING I laughed so hard. Like another commenter, “That chicken has a shiv” started me…by the time I got to “Knock knock motherfucker” I could barely breathe. My stomach is killing me. THANK YOU. I have to binge-read your blog now, buy your book and binge-read David Thorne’s blog, too. Damn. I better take some vacation days. You totally rock.
My bff went to Tractor Supply today and sent me a pic of a smaller Beyonce. Of course I burst into hysterical laughter, quit working, found this link and sent it to our friends. They will be pissing themselves laughing in 5…4…3…2…1…now.
Oh man. This may be the best thing I’ve read on the internet. THANK YOU for sharing this story and enduring the wrath of strangers for it. You’re a kind soul, and an inspiration to the rest of us normal people. =)
This is seriously something my Aunt and I would have done to my Uncle when I used to live with them. Freaking awesome! <3
Love the story. So many giggles.
In reference to an Instagram photo I just posted wherein one of my parent’s actual real-life chickens jumped on my shoulders I said “this chicken will cut you”. I just wanted you to know that 4 years later I still say this whenever pres eyes with an opportunity. This is one of my favorite blog posts ever made and I still laugh about it so much.
Clearly that should say “whenever presented with an opportunity”. Stupid autocorrect. 🙂
I implore you, dear Blogess, to make Knock Knock Motherfucker socks, with Beyonce’s picture on them. Please and thank you.
Is that the real message you were sending to Victor…”my cock is bigger than yours!” Bhawhahahahaha!!!
Greatness!
$200 of free chicken!
I think we must have been separated at birth because I too bought the passive aggressive “gift” that is a GIANT metal chicken.. No one in my universe finds him hilarious like I do. Now out of spite I have given him friends. He dwarfs over a goat, and I have most recently put a giant metal cactus in my kitchen.. I live with numb minds because no one even looks sideways or asks why there is a 6 foot metal cactus in the kitchen.. No one thought it was funny when I hot glued an exploding nest of fake spiders on the cactus for Halloween, apparently no one knows that that kind of shit happens in the wild. Cacti exploding with tarantulas.. I wish we were neighbors Beyoncé and Bubba Gump could find themselves in friendly neighborhood displays.. Crossing the road and such…. Sending our love to Beyonce – Cara and Bubba G
Just came across this blog by accident. Love it ! My husband and I are in our early 70s. We have learned that “passioned discussion” is the key to a good relationship. Our daughter and the teenage grandkids recently moved in with us. They are surprised at how much we fight. But also liking how much we love each other. They saw little of either in thier recently divorced parent’s relationship. However, we have learned it is never a good idea to forbid anything! We are a married to each other. We don’t own each other.
What I want to know is…does Victor have a single brother!
I read this article back when it appeared in a magazine, and I was at work and laughing so hard that I knew I needed to rip it out and save it. Just today, May 31, 2015, my husband came home from a weekend away with the guys. He came upstairs, gave me a kiss, and led me towards the back window. “What is that?” he said, peering out the window into the driveway. I looked out, and I could HARDLY believe my eyes. It was, a giant tin/metal rooster! I was so thrilled and excited that I started jumping up and down like a little kid on Christmas morning. Then I stopped…I searched my brain…my eyes were darting back and forth, because, for some reason, that helps me remember things. “Oh. my. God.” I said to him. “This is EXACTLY like this hilarious story I read a few years ago! (Now that I found this article online–because I couldn’t find it in my “saved articles” box–I realize it was 4 years ago!) He didn’t know what I was talking about, and after I took pictures of the giant cock in my driveway to text to all of my friends, I feverishly searched for the article. Well, thank goodness not all is lost because of the saving grace of the internet. All I had to do was Google this phrase, “Funny story about a woman who buys a rooster,” and YOUR LINK TO THIS BLOG was the VERY FIRST one! The minute I saw your tagline about “picking your battles,” I suddenly remembered that this was the story. I just finished reading it aloud to my husband, and he was laughing, too. He couldn’t understand why Victor was so angry about it. He wondered if Victor had a sense of humor, and I explained to him that sometimes writers exaggerate a little bit, because obviously Victor wasn’t going to divorce you! At any rate, I am also now a proud owner of a 7-foot rooster (oh, the comments I got back from my friends are dirty and priceless), and we named him Harvey.
I want to live in your house. Or maybe the back yard.
Four years later, and this is still one of the best things I’ve ever read on the Internetz. Periodically I’ll see giant metal chickens (really!) and refer to them affectionately as “Beyonce”. People who get it laugh hysterically. People who don’t just give me strange looks, but OH WELL. THEIR LOSS.
All I can say…I hope that story is real!!!
This may be several years old, but it made its way around FB and I saw it. This totally made my day. My husband now wants one – since we can’t have backyard chickens. Lol! We all need friends that encourage us to be crazy.
I ran across a link to this in my TimeHop, and came back to re-read it. This is still the funniest blog post of all time. Funniest. Of. All. Time.
Oh my god, I laughed myself silly and I used to have a wooden cow in my front yard and now of course, I HAVE TO HAVE A BIG METAL CHICKEN! Knock, knock, motherfucker indeed! Our new neighbors will be so glad we moved next door!
This is, without a doubt, the absolute funniest thing I have ever read. A colossal metal chicken I never knew I needed? Perfect.
Dear Victor, What you need is patience, and to outlast her. My wife of forty years did the same thing – stuffing our house full of countless “towels” and “chickens”. She is gone now, but she’d be aghast at what I am doing to all those “towels” and “chickens”. Heh, heh, heh.
This was totally shared on someone’s facebook page as a reply to the person getting their child a “horse” for their child, but it was all metal like this chicken. So I was being nosy and never laughed so hard before.
I’d probably still be married instead of divorced, if I ever bought a 5 foot chicken.
There is a craft store in my area that has an AMAZING selection of metal chickens… I’ve got the BF at least accepting the fact that I NEED one… 🙂
So it’s 2015 and this story still makes me laugh hysterically. A year or two ago a friend of mine found one of these chickens, I think it was at Home Goods, and of course she purchased it and named it Beyonce. She did us all a big favor because now, when our husbands protest some purchase, we remind them it could be Beyonce…… Thanks again Bloggess!
OMG! Can’t. Stop. Laughing! I need a Beyoncé for me! Also embroidering my towels too!
I just wanted to say THANK YOU. It had me laughing till I was crying, my friends doing the same, and then I showed it to my non-cursing sometimes-proper mom who had tears streaming down her face…. and then I showed her the towels. THANK YOU.
Perfection. You made tears stream down my face. I have some cows I could trade for some chickens….. another story, another time. Thank you for the laugh, best thing today.
I realize I’m 4 yrs late. But, got this link from Andrea. Fucking hilarious! I’m sitting in my truck right now, somewhere between laughing and crying! This is amazing! I am now officially on the lookout for a metal chicken!
BLESS YOU … This has been the Best ” CHICKEN SOUP FOR MY SOUL “…EVER…and when I’m called a MotherF_ _ _ _ _ I will have a Smile on my Face …
I laughed and cried and snorted and laughed and hollered to the point I have three dogs, even the old deaf one, in my office wondering whassup. This is priceless!
Can I just say it’s now 2015 and I just reread this and peed myself all over again??!!
See you in Toronto on Oct 20th!!!
#knockknockmotherfucker
Too Many Words (sorry I had to change your name) and Bob Costa, you have no sense of humor. Victor does.
I want a 5′ frog, please. Maybe psychedelic?
You are my new hero!
LOVE THIS! KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER COCK!
First world crazy.
Best darn thing FB has ever served up to me! Laughed until I cried!
Please excuse me for replying so late. Like you, I too have a weakness for buying towels. I don’t know why. But maybe I should look for a giant rooster now. It would look good looming on the front lawn, don’t you think?
Why did you not Trojan horse that shit?! Should have stuffed that giant cock full of towels.
A late update on Metal Chickens: at the Biltmore House (Asheville, NC) the garden gift shop has an entire display of garishly painted 5′ metal chickens, a their little sister and brothers of all sizes. Just thought you should know in case you ever need to replace Beyonce.
So I see it’s been a few years since you posted this, but a friend of mine just posted a link on facebook and I popped in to read about your chicken. I have a story that’s close. Back in 2000 my husband and I finished renovating our home. We’d gutted to the studs, rewired, replumbed, insulated…the whole nine yards. I did buy new pots for the kitchen and new towels for the bathrooms. However, there still seemed to be something missing. Out shopping with a friend of mine I found the PERFECT thing for that corner in the bathroom: a seven-foot tall giraffe! At the time I was driving a little Toyota Tercel so needless to say I would have loved to have gotten my hands on a copy of the store security video of me and my friend trying to get this thing into my car.
When I got home and my husband was helping to unload my prize, he couldn’t believe I’d managed to get the whole thing in my car as it seemed almost like a clown car to him because he just kept backing up and backing up and this thing just kept coming out of my car.
Growing up in Canada in the 1970s meant watching the Friendly Giant on television. Friendly had a giraffe friend named Jerome and so my giraffe became “Jerome”. I still have him 15 years later. Coincidentally, Friendly also had a rooster friend named Rusty.
I have Doris the duck, Bruce the bull and Roger the rooster and no towels 🙂 true story
You people DO realize of course that stores have “buyers” that actually peruse merchandise from manufacturer’s all over the world in search of items that will bring value and profit to their stores? So I wonder, when I look at this 5 foot tall ugly ass multicolored cock standing at the front door what kind of CRACK that buyer had in her pipe when she ordered any number (how many I wonder??) of these 5 foot tall metal chickens for her stores. And I get a little guilty pleasure from imagining the owner’s face when they were delivered and she had to put them on display. LOL! Great story, btw. I peed a bit in my undies at work. 🙁
Crap!! I’m over here trying to laugh silently, but I sound like a mouse in need of an inhaler! Someone kindly pointed me to this post and every time I scroll back up the page, the chicken standing in front of the door with the caption does me in.
I read this post when it was originally posted in 2011, and it made me laugh. Reading it in 2015 still makes me laugh.
My husband got me up out of bed to get his “special” towel out of the dryer. I made sure his “special” towel was on the hook for the next 3 months because I did not wash it. The day he told me he towel was smelling musty, I cried I laughed so hard. Yes, pick your battles.
My dear Bloggess.
This post just made my goddamn year … six months anyway. Six months ago is about when our life came crashing down around our ears.
By beautiful bride of 42 years did some stupid shit that the state severely disapproved of and she got sent to prison. Yes. I said my wife in in prison.
It’s kind of like being widowed. I walk into the apartment (we had to sell the house we lived in for 25 years) and look at the mess and think ?I better clean that shit up before she gets home.” Oops. She ain’t coming home. Or I see something cute on Facebook and I want to show her but I can’t because she’s not there.
It’s kind of like she died. Except not quite because I can take phone calls from her without hiring a medium or even an extra large. I visit every weekend (Odd numbered Saturdays or Sunday but not odd numbered Thursdays or Fridays because she has to be strip searched before going back to her cell.). And she still bitches and moans about shit that isn’t right, only now they actually constitute ADA violations and hence 8th Amendment violations, but she still expects me to work miracles and get her problems solved overnight.
Dealing with the DOC makes one long to spend a week at DMV.
So anyway. Last week I was feeling very blue. I was actually weepy. Our kids tried to prescribe Midol and chocolate and potato chips and romantic movies with the blinds pulled.
Assholes.
My sister, clearly a fan of yours, sent me this post.
I laughed so hard I peed myself. Yeah I know, as woman you probably shrugged your shoulders and said “And? That’s unusual?” But for me, yeah, it was weird.
And I immediately wanted to share it with the love of my life, the mother of our children, my best friend for life.
And I felt blue again.
I couldn’t share it with her.
The my very wise 22 year old son head slapped me and pointed at the printer.
So I printed it out and I sent it to her.
I hope the dummies in the Mailroom enjoy reading it too.
Love Tim.
I love your cock Jenny!
I love it! I haven’t laughed so hard in a really long time.
My best friend Abby and I appreciate your chicken. And especially the towels. We were in a debate about whether you needed to own a 5 foot metal chicken personally in order to get the Knock, Knock Motherfucker towels. We decided that your chicken was sufficient. Like ,all we had to do was tell your chicken story. My friend said, “Like a reference chicken!” I was like, “Exactly.” Abby, who has a PhD in Slavic linguistics, added helpfully, “In the grammar world we would call it that an anaphor.” I said, “You are such a geek.” She replied to be quiet and just post to your blog thanking you for the anaphoric chicken.
With all these comments you should consider the chicken for charitable source
Why did the chicken cross the road??
Just to piss Victor off.
Sorry laughed by ass off at this whole thing. This would be exactly what I would do.!!!You go girl!
I read this to my mother today when I was telling her how much I like your blog. It was the first thing of yours that I ever saw, and I always come back to it.
I just saw a big metal chicken in the Home Goods store, which reminded me of this story and again I’m trying not to laugh hysterically with tears coming out of my eyes–at work…”this chicken will cut you” is where I lose it. I’m going to post a pic on your FB 😛
I’m seriously laughing so hard I’m crying!!! I stopped reading several times because I was laughing so hard!!! Then I’d pick up again and start all over!!
An intriguing discussion is worth comment. I believe
that you need to publish more on this subject, it might not be a taboo
subject but generally folks don’t discuss such issues.
To the next! Cheers!!
Hysterical! Loved the post!
Thanks for this.
If you folks ever want to be rid of Beyoncé. You can send him to me in Ottawa. CANADA . No one who knows me would be surprised if it was in my front yard. They would say yep that’s The rooster lady
How edgy you are to name a rooster “Beyonce”.
wow best food available on goodtogostore.com
Michelle12 was here
That is so much more awesome than I pictured from the audiobook……..I love it
Read this. Loved it. Now my husband is limiting me on buying a giant metal chicken. He didn’t mention anything about other metal animals, so I will be on the look out for something else.
Goddamn it. This was five fucking years ago. My anniversary is this weekend and I was hoping to get a $300 Rooster/Chicken for $100. Fuck.
Thanks for the inspiration 🙂 I only had to wait five years.
https://www.facebook.com/20531316728/posts/10154009990506729/
Thanks for the inspiration 🙂 I only had to wait five years.
http://www.facebook.com/Victorianrose23/posts/10154125638270522
It should be knock knock mother clucker!
Love it!
I know this is an old post, but I had to comment because I was just at TJMaxx/Homegoods and saw a colorful 5-foot giant metal rooster! It made me think of you. 🙂 My husband said, “That would be kind of cool if you had a big enough place. That and the cowboy boot.” Next to the rooster was a giant colorful metal cowboy boot. “Oh, no, not the cowboy boot,” I replied. “That’s hideous!” Anyway, it made me laugh and I thought I’d let you know. 🙂
Towel and error, huh?
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10207723995870428&set=pcb.10207724001390566&type=3&theater
I haven’t laughed hysterically in quite some time, THANK YOU!
My feeling is…at that price…HOW COULD YOU LEAVE BEYONCE IN THE STORE ??!!
I need to get in touch with you about a photo. It is urgent!
😂😂😂😂😂
I finally found my rooster thanks to you!
I found this last summer, and have been using this specific blog post to teach second-language writers about word choice, structure, patterns, audience, and interacting with audiences.
Ok, you got me I do a pirate hat (even signed by Tinkerbell!) with all kinds of cool crap hanging from it, eye patch, yellow Ghilie shirt, a proper Irish kilt, white socks and red canvas high top sneakers as day-to-ay wear and the giant chicken has even me going, “What the fuck?”
Too cool
my mother bought a metal rooster a couple years ago and we named him Jay-Z. last year we purchase a flashy metal peacock and named her Side Piece. so now i think we should change her name to Becky from the latest Beyonce song…
This man sounds abusive. I don’t know why everyone thinks it’s funny.
Five years later this still makes me laugh out loud. It is one of my go-to happy places when the world gets too awful.
If only it had been a 5 foot hot pink flamingo!!
you are too freakin’ funny for this old computer……………and this old hag.
This is probably the fifth time I read this and I still crack up! I need a Beyoncé!
Very funny. I realize this was written years ago now but is still very funny. Totally sounds like something I would do to my husband after 15 years of marriage ( we are st 8 years right now).
Will be coming back to ready more.
Cheers!
I did read the post
May I buy the chicken?
Came up in my Facebook newsfeed…wondering how the chicken is doing.
Speaking of picking your arguments, I choose “photos that need to be rotated” today, please.
http://imgur.com/yyYDUhf
[img]http://i.imgur.com/yyYDUhf.jpg[/img]
Knock knock, motherclucker!! Lol
My day is complete. Love this!
bitch.
My husband managed to schedule his colonoscopy on the exact date of our 15th wedding anniversary. He might have to get a giant chicken! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I was giving a link to your blog because I asked on FB if I should bring home a giant ten foot chicken!! Now I wish I had bought it!! Love ya!!
You are a semi-retarded bitch-freak. I’m surprised he didn’t punch you right in the fucking box…and you would have deserved it. I’m in NO WAY condoning violence toward women, but I think you should have been punched in the box. I would probably get my sister to do it, you raving psycho hose beast.
I’m still laughing at this
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Over 5 years later I still want a big-ass metal chicken.
Should have named chicken “Towels” –anyposs
After 15 years, I wanted to replace the towels we got as wedding gifts. My wife didn’t quite understand and started to protest. I help up my Beyoncé mug. Argument ended. Thanks Bloggess!
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I have a giant Mother Goose metal thing. I recently wrote about her and that’s when someone directed me to your blog. Feel free to take a read, we somehow must be secret sisters. http://www.reenebradshaw.com
OH MY FUCK – I AM CRYING LAUGHING OVER HERE CRYING!! This is shit I do to my husband all the fucking time and it’s priceless. Oh the little things. You + I would be the best of friends, LOL! CHICKEN DOWN!
I kid you not, I have a love of metal roosters. Like I’d kill (not really, but almost) to have this metal rooster. I about died when I found out how much you paid… because I would have paid, because it was a STEAL!!! OMG. WANT. And if any man put one at my doorstep, I’d forgo a ring and marry him on the spot. Because metal animals are my thang.
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Pick your battles – I enjoyed reading this, thanks for sharing! #BlogCrush
This is the best blog I have read in a long time. I saw some giant chickens for sale at Tractor Supply yesterday and had an urge to buy one. But I thought, no, my husband would shit a brick…and I was there to buy a chicken coop, not a giant chicken. Then I get home and a friend has posted a picture of these same chickens and someone posted a link to your blog. I think I am going to have to go buy the damned chicken now!
Okay, have you been following me?
I have a friend who has a beautiful home. One day she said I need something for on top of the kitchen cabinets. She bought a small brown metal Rooster, and we were off “So I see you like Roosters?” I asked, “NO! No! No! Don’t do it!” she replied. Over the years Roosters appear in her life, not sure how (Wink). A few months back I was at HomeGoods and they had two of the exact same Roosters you show in your blog (which I didn’t know about until today as I just discovered you last week when I bought your book at the airport – thank you BTW – you made me laugh till I cried for hours). So I took a pic of the Roosters and said look what I found 🙂
NO! NO! NO!
But they are only $299
NO! NO! NO!
and then a few weeks later –
WHAT there is only one left and it is on sale for $150 getting it for youuuu.
NO! NO! NO!
But it is 1/2 price.
Well I ended it there,
but next time it will be on her front porch. I warned her just now because she told me about your blog (and sent me this link to this story in your blog) when I posted to everyone on Facebook about my adventures in finding your book on my travels last week and how I think you are the most amazing Writer EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And to Angela Kimes – if you are reading these comments – you know what is coming to a door near you 😉
It will look lovely near the hot-tub / firepit seating area, you could put your wine on it’s back, so really it is just a table.
This came back up in my facebook memories recently, from May 2012, and I HAD to re-post! But then when my husband saw it, he said it is a not just a chicken; it’s a rooster. So he’s hoping your husband eventually friended your rooster gift, and has posed with it in the shadows of your front entrance-way, pointing and saying, “Look at my enormous cock”.
(hahahaa, apologies!)
And there’s a reason why I came back to your fabulous blog-post: this headline: “Missing: two 4-foot tall birds from the NC Zoo”.
http://www.newsobserver.com/news/local/article153137129.html . A mere 4 feet, but still awesome, yes? Thanks for this hilarious story!
I used to think magic was bogus but after Martin left me I felt open-minded to try it. Maybe I was desperate too. But this is real! You restored the love we had for each other. And now he proposed as you promised he would! I am your friend forever and very grateful for all of this. I will come back again, very soon contact priest ogidiga via email: miraclecenter110@gmail.com or call his cell phone on +23481882260982.stella from las vegas
I have a friend in Mendocino City with a 6 foot copper frog, wearing a top hat and leaning on a cane….
OMG! Where have you been all my life? This is freakin’ hilarious. Thank Jim Wright for directing me your way!
It could be worse. Remind Victor that you could have returned with real chickens.
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That was awesome! And yes I cackled like crazy at the picture of the chicken in front of the door!
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8 years later and this is still just as hilarious as the first time I read it.
And that’s why you always leave a note.
I read this when you first posted it and shared with my husband. We both found it hysterical! My birthday was this weekend, and yes 6 years later, I ended up with my very own giant chicken in my front yard, a gift from my husband.
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I need you to know I still laugh so hard I cry every time I read this!
How’s Beyoncé doing these days?
Victor, Victor…..you are looking at this all wrong. She gave you what you wanted a BIG C#ck…what more do you want!! Or was it her that wanted the big C#ck?
Its been over 6 years since I first read about Beyonce, and I need to tell you how much joy this article STILL brings to my life.
I just had to send you this link because I saw this on Facebook and I thought of Beyonce. Even though you were stone-cold sober when you bought her. LOL
https://www.facebook.com/imnotrightinthehead/photos/a.222789035376.267115.212641675376/10160040185615377/?type=3&theater
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Wonder what a 30th Anniversary gift is? Anyway, you have the balls to do what most of us only think about when husband says something stupid like, What do we need that many rolls of toilet paper for? And telling him it was a half off sale doesn’t help. And yet he does our taxes….
This so unusual of me to refer professionally online but I feel like I owe a lot to Notablespy. My husband was perfect at hiding his infidelity so I had no proof for months I’m so grateful to notablespy for saving me through. He’s one of the best and most reliable hackers in the world. He helped me hack my cheating husband’s phone and Facebook account within few hours. since my husband already made me speechless in the house i had no other choice then to spy on him this way. i’m glad i could get him red-handed. You could mail the hacker directly Notablespy.org@gmail and be safe aswell. He gave me a very efficient customer experience..
Jim Wright posted this, and those of us who are his minions are filling up his feed with references to your chicken post. You really need to go check out the Frosty!
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1556279917740739&set=a.100840766618002.1846.100000762374540&type=3&theater
It’s 2018 and still making people laugh. Thank you.
she is why I HAVE TWO! MotherClucker and BokBok Motherfucker
I AM FROM TEXAS, USA, I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MAN FOR 2 YEARS, WE PLANNED TO GET MARRIED BUT EVERYTHING TURNED THE WRONG WAY WHEN HE FELL IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER LADY, HE LEFT FOR NO REASON, I DID EVERYTHING TO GET HIM BACK BUT NOTHING WORKED THEN I A FRIEND TOLD ME TO CONTACT DR_MACK@ YAHOO. COM AND I DID WITHOUT DOUBT AND TO MY SURPRISE MY MAN CAME BACK TO ME AND WANT US TO START ALL OVER AGAIN, I AM SO HAPPY MY MAN IS BACK FOREVER..AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And this is why I got a small plastic chicken for my 15th anniversary. My husband not only remembered this post but waited over 6 years to give me a chicken for our anniversary. Of course, he also wouldn’t be surprised to find I’d gotten a huge metal chicken if we only had a copse of trees to stash it in in the backyard…
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Beyonce has relatives https://www.facebook.com/TractorSupplyCo/posts/1647825625267234
and if that link didn’t work https://www.tractorsupply.com/tsc/product/red-shed-6-ft-red-yellow-and-green-rooster-1267684
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I freakin’ love this and wish we were closer bc i think we would be bff’s. I just got my own giant (6ft) chicken in my life and he’s awesome. I only wish I could post a pic.
Wanted you to know…this story still lives and brings us such joy…metal chickens residing in multiple homes as I type :))
I love this. Someone directed me here a few years ago and I laughed so hard and sent it to my sister so she could laugh too. I was in my email looking for something tonight and ran across this again so I read again (tears streaming) and am resending to my sister. That chicken is awesome.
Well done. It’s good to have an accomplice that ‘ gets’ you.,Motherfucker.
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We will be celebrating our own 15th anniversary on October 19th and my husband just said to me “hey babe, it’s giant metal rooster year!”
We live in an apartment so a giant one won’t be possible but I’ve been looking for a smallish one to give him. (I’m also looking into towels because he NEVER lets me buy towels without a fight and this gives me the perfect ammunition lol)
I just wanted you to know that this shit is so great, it stuck with my husband even 7 years later.
You’re hilarious and we love you!
(Happy anniversary! ~ Jenny)
Ha. This is the best. I have a ceramic deer head in my dining room. I love it. My husband hates it. He threatens to get rid of it when I am not looking. I warn him I will buy it again and three others to be his friends. He knows I am not lying. It makes me love him and my deer head more!
Dear Jenny, not sure how commenting on old posts goes and if you will get this, but need to share regardless. I went on my 2nd date with a very sweet guy I met on Match last night. And what did the restaurant he chose to go to have?? Giant metal chickens!!! I was like Knock Knock Motherfucker!!! He was like what?? He already knows I’m nuts and expects this behavior from me after only about 10 days of talking. So I insisted we take a picture with one of the giant chickens. He was like really?Are you going to put this online? I said well I’m not Tech savvy enough to do so. Which is why I wanted to date you (he’s an IT guy thank god). But I am going to tell Jenny Lawson about this not so coindicental coincidence. Not often you come across more than one giant metal chicken in one space with a great kind man you really really like. And he gets me which is awesome!!! Read him parts of your post and he enjoyed it. Maybe, just maybe I’’ve found my Victor!!!!! Xoxo!!!
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Someone posted your link in our group. You just made my fabulous Saturday the best one ever. I will continue to follow your blogs. AMAZING FUCKING DAY. Thanks for making my day.
Seeking my own 5′ Chicken and I shall call him/her Whirlybird!!!!
Love, love, love! You are hilarious! Love reading your books ,Furiously happy is my choice for this month’s book club and I’ve gotten responses from the ladies even before meeting how much they love your book. Wish I could be as brave as you!
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LMAO.. I better cook a chicken on myself -_-
I am not gonna yell at you. I just have to tell you, any time I am feeling in the pits – I read this and my day is golden. Thanks for 8 years of laughs and giggles. I mean, really, how often can you read something over and over and still laugh so hard you forget to breath and have tears.
I don’t even know how I got here…but I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard in decades…tears rolling down my face, heaving uncontrollabley, unable to stifle (wet) snorts and yelps. …And I’m at work. My coworkers are trying to figure out if I’m having some sort of seizure…thank you for this…
It’s difficult to find experienced people in this particular topic, however,
you sound like you know what you’re talking about!
Thanks
2019 and I am STILL sending this story to people.
By The Ocean’s Almighty Poseidon’s Trident, this story could have been written by my Mom. I lived through this kind of stuff ALL my childhood… which may help explain…ME! ~ sjp
Amimal lovers unite!
BETO the giant metal horny toad graces the front porch at my house.
Ohh victor seems like a lovely MOFO asshole!
Btw i’m in love with beyonce!
Victor really should be more appreciative. Now he can, without irony, whisper in your ear that he has a 5 foot cock.
I have a 4 ft. one in my living room!!!!! Hubby loves it. He even relocates it because he thinks the view is getting boring for him (the chicken) What’s wrong with these guys??
Great story. You’re a good writer. And you’re fun. Though sounds like you and Victor have wildly different senses of humor.
It’s 2020 and I STILL love this blog post. I just sent it to a group of faculty friends for a Friday laugh. <3
It is 2020, we are in Coronavirus hell, and I have discovered that my neighbor has a Beyonce metal chicken. I believe we are entering the end times. But what a way to go! 🙂
In the midst of all the COVID-19 stress, I needed a good laugh. I just re-read the Beyoncé story and it’s just as funny in 2020 as it was when you originally posted it! 🤣
Thanks for keeping us laughing in the good times and the bad. 😎
Great post.
Towels should have said…knock knock mother cluckers
I return to this post every few years to see how it’s doing. To see if it’s still head-rollingly hilarious, and it is! It never fails to make me laugh.
We have loved this story since we first got married. Just hit our 15 years today, and I got a metal chicken from my wife. Not so giant, but he’s amazing. His name is Tupac. My wife’s the best for remembering it after all these years.
I found the lady:
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I’m just mad you missed the opportunity to write knock knock motherclucker.
9 years later and I finally got my own mini Beyoncé! Sure took me long enough!
Omg this is awesome and very appropriate because I just picked up my own giant rooster and happened on your blog afterwards when I was looking on the internet for color suggestions did I choose to repaint him…but I just might leave Cocklesbur as is with his rusty farmhouse chic. 😬
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I come back and read this every time I need a little pick me up. Beyonce has been bringing me joy from afar for many years. Thanks chicken friend!
It’s 2020. Nuff said. I’m still laughing at this blog and sharing it 9 years later. Just the pick me up I needed.
November 2020, I am reading this for about the gazillionith (is that even a word?) time. My best friend and I pass this story back and forth all the time. We giggle over it. Great job!!
I found a giant, and when I say GIANT, I mean GIANT, COCK(rooster) for sale that is 15 feet tall and was on sale. I asked my husband if I could buy a GIANT COCK to put in the back yard. He gave me a disgusted look and walked away.
10 years later and I still laugh just as hard as the first time. I am still looking for my own Beyoncé and randomly mention your story about once a year.
My husband and threatened my life if I buy any more tea. I have 20-something different kinds. They fall on his head because he opens the cabinet too roughly. BONK!
I would’t mind finding that chicken on my doorstep. Not sure about the name. I would rename it. Let me think about that …
Excellent Post!
Amzing article
You could leave off all the foul language! Not becoming,
10 years later and this story is still as funny as the first time I read it. My neighbor down the road just got a big metal chicken that I’ve named Beyond. They don’t know that yet. I say “Hi!” to Beyonce everytime I drive by.
I love a good chicken discovery story, and yours is a hoot. Here is mine. Eleven or so years ago I was preparing an act for a Vaudeville show. Not having been on stage since a junior high school musical about Thomas Edison, I was nervous. I was planning to do a spoof of Patsy Cline’s “She’s Got You.” There are numerous YouTube videos of women doing it, but I wanted mine to be a bit different. As such I decided I must have a rubber chicken for my act. Being the bargain hunting, garage sale queen, thrift store mama that I am, it is very difficult for me to pay retail for anything so I spent several weekends trekking all over trying to find two elusive props: 45 rpm records and the rubber chicken. One of my sisters suggested I try Half Price Books for the records. The closest one to me was in San Marcos – some 20+ miles away. So on a lovely Saturday I made my way to the Half Price Books store. They had recently rearranged and no one was really sure where the records were now located. After several employees sent me several different wrong directions, one successfully located the records – and at 10 cents apiece, I ecstatically (actually, smart-ass-tically) exclaimed, “Eureka! Now you wouldn’t happen to know where I could get a rubber chicken, would you?”
At that point, I heard a voice behind me say, “I know where you can get a rubber chicken.” I turned around and there was a rather tall, white-haired man wearing a black polo shirt with the words “Rubber Chicken Promotions” stitched on the left breast. Turns out he is a magician from San Antonio (he had traveled even further from Half Price Books than I had – he was actually in town to visit his son) and his entertainment company was called Rubber Chicken Promotions because early in his career, he juggled rubber chickens. He asked for my contact information and promised to send me one of his chickens, if I could get him comp tickets “to see his chicken perform.” I explained that I was new to theatre and did not have that kind of pull, but he promised to send the chicken anyway. True to his word, within a few days I received a federal express package containing three different rubber chickens of varying size.
When I relayed the story to my director, she asked if he would like to be in the show, too. And he did! We have been friends ever since and he has introduced me to five other magicians all of whom have since performed in our theatre. All these years later, I do that same act every year – but in a USO Tribute Show rather than a Vaudeville Show. I call myself “Fatsy Decline.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGPiqrqGwgI
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Nine years late to the party but what joy it is to read your story of the giant chicken😂
Thank you
I reread your blog this evening after putting my two big metal chickens back out in the yard after being put away since Christmas. The biggest one is in the front yard staring at the asshole neighbor’s house across the street. Still makes me laugh.
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Hilarious! Thanks for my morn ing laugh!
OMG Today is our 22nd anniversary and I died laughing and guffawed loudly several times! This is the best thing I’ve read in so long! I can totally see me doing this exact thing 😂
I now, after years of searching for the right one, own my own metal rooster/cock. Because we couldn’t get it on the train back home, my dearest 17 year old son carried it five blocks through downtown Seattle to prop it up on the UPS counter as I proclaimed that Simon LeBon-the greatest three and a half foot metal rooster-will need to be shipped home to Idaho. It ended up costing more than Simon originally cost but it was worth it! I wish I could show you the photo of my very patient child carrying Simon in Downtown Seattle!
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11yrs later I still refer to this entry on a regular basis – thank you for 11yrs of joy just thinking about Beyoncé the Rooster
Fabulous, well written and hilarious. You’re genious.
I have my very own giant 7 foot one his name is Johnson.
You inspired me! I just this past weekend provides my very own 6 foot rooster. His name is Beaurgard, or “Beautiful Beau” for short. He made his first appearance as our campsite mascot at a music festival and bit was he a hit. You can imagine the comments from inebriated festival goers! He is now my “prank rooster” and will be making the rounds in my friends front yard for short visits. Whimsy, indeed!!
My mini Beyoncé is still proudly sitting in my office window for me to look at. Beyoncé brought me to you in 2011 and I’m so happy to count myself as one of your fans 🙂
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