And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles.

in Random Crap

This morning I had a fight with Victor about towels. I can’t tell you the details because it wasn’t interesting enough to document at the time, but it was basically me telling Victor I needed to buy new bath towels, and Victor insisting that I NOT buy towels because I “just bought new towels“. Then I pointed out that the last towels I’d bought were hot pink beach towels, and he was all “EXACTLY” and then I hit my head against the wall for an hour.

Then Laura came to pick me up so we could go to the discount outlet together, and as Victor gave me a kiss goodbye he lovingly whispered, “You are not allowed to bring any more goddam towels in this house or I will strangle you“.   And that was exactly what I was still echoing through my head an hour later, when Laura and I stopped our shopping carts and stared up in confused, silent awe at a display of enormous metal chickens, made from rusted oil drums.

Laura:  I think you need one of those.

me:  You’re joking, but they’re kind of horrifically awesome.

Laura: I’m not joking. We need to buy you one.

me:  The 5-foot tall one was $300, marked down to $100.  That’s like, $200 worth of chicken for free.

Laura:  You’d be crazy not to buy that.  I mean, look at it. IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY.

me:  Victor’d be pissed.

Laura:  Yup.

me:  But on the plus side?  It’s not towels.

Laura:  Yup.

me:  We will name him Henry.  Or Charlie.  Or O’Shannesy.

Laura:  Or Beyoncé.

me:  Or Beyoncé. Yes.  And when our friends are sad we can leave him at their front door to cheer them up.

Laura:  Exactly. It’ll be like, “You thought *yesterday* was bad?  Well, now you have a enormous metal chicken to deal with.  Perspective.  Now you have it.”

Then we flagged down a salesman, and we were all “What can you tell us about these chickens?”, as if we were in an art gallery, and not in a store that specializes in last years’ bathmats.  He didn’t know anything about them, but he said that they’d only only sold one and it was to a really drunk lady, and then Laura and I were all “SOLD.  All this chicken belongs to us now.”

Insert-inappropriate-cock-joke-here.

So he loaded it onto a trolley, but Beyoncé was surprisingly unstable, and the giant 5 foot metal chicken crashed over onto the floor.  And Laura and I were all “CHICKEN DOWN!  CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3” but he didn’t laugh.  Then the manager came to see what was causing all the commotion, and that’s when he found the very-conservative salesman unhappily struggling to right an enthusiastically pointy chicken which was almost as tall as he was.  The salesman was having a hard time, and he told everyone to stand back “because this chicken will cut you“, and at first I thought he meant it as a threat, like “That chicken has a shiv”, but turns out he just meant that all the chickens’ ends were sharp and rusty.  It was awesome, and Laura and I agreed that even if we got tetanus, this chicken had already paid for himself even before we got it in her truck.

Then we got to my house and quietly snuck the chicken up to my front door, rang the doorbell, and hid around the corner.

Knock-knock, motherfucker.

Victor opened the door and looked at the chicken in stunned silence for about 3 seconds.  Then he sighed, closed the door and walked away.

Laura:  What the fuck?  That’s it?  That’s the only reaction we get?

me:  That’s it. He’s a hard man to rattle.

Victor was surprisingly pissed that I’d “wasted money” on an enormous chicken, because apparently he couldn’t appreciate the hysterical value of a 5 foot chicken ringing the doorbell.  Then I said, “Well, at least it’s not towels” and apparently that was the wrong thing to say because that’s when Victor screamed and stormed off, but I knew he was locked in his office because I could hear him punching things in there.  Then I yelled through his door, “It’s an anniversary gift for you, asshole.  Two whole weeks early.  15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”

Then he yelled that he wanted it gone, but I couldn’t move it myself, so instead I said okay and went to watch tv.  Then when the UPS guy came I hid, but he was all “Dude.  Nice chicken” and Victor yelled, “IT IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN”.  Which was probably very confusing to the UPS guy, who was just trying to be polite, Victor. Victor seemed more disgruntled than usual, so I finally dragged the chicken into the backyard and wedged it into a clump of trees so that it could scare the snakes away.  Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyoncé directly in front of his only window.  And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.”  I told him that he could move Beyoncé if he wanted to, but he totally hasn’t.  Probably because of all of the giant rocks I piled on Beyonce’s feet to dissuade burglars.  Or possibly because Beyoncé is growing on him.  Still, I can’t help but think that we wouldn’t even be having this argument if Beyoncé was towels.  Honestly, this whole chicken is really a lesson in picking your battles more carefully.  Plus, he’s awesome and I can’t stop giggling every time I look at him.  Beyoncé, that is.

Best. 15th anniversary. ever.

UPDATED 2012: It’s been half a year and people still continue to laugh, scream indignantly and to ask questions, so here are a few follow-ups.  Victor and I are still (of course) happily married and after a few weeks he got over his giant rooster aversion.  Beyonce stares at him from outside his office window.  I eventually got new towels.  “Knock-knock, motherfucker” is embroidered on all of them.  Victor was not impressed.  Beyonce-the-giant-metal-chicken now has her own Facebook page with over 30,000 highly imaginative fans, and you can buy your own travel-sized Beyonce right here for under $20.  You’re welcome world.  Now please stop yelling at me.

4,355 thoughts on “And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles.”

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  2. THIS made me laugh my ass off! I think what’s truly important here is your tremendous sense of humor and Victor is lucky to have you keeping him on his toes…and keeping him laughing. You funny lady…LOVE Beyonce!

  6. I’m still trying to think of an ‘inappropriate cock-joke’!! This is sooooo funny and reminds me of shopping with my BFF in Texas. We’ve looked very seriously at some of those BIG, metal, yard art animals and thought, “Hey, why not??”

  7. Tears are running down my face! One because it is soooo hilarious, but mostly because it just the kind of brilliant dialogue that I only true girlfriends can share. Love it!!! Truly!

  8. I read this for the first time the day after you posted it and giggled and laughed over it the entire day – even after I shared it with friends and family…and my husband telling me he damn well better not find a 5-foot-tall chicken on the front porch OR the back porch when he got home from work. No worries – I told him it would be in the driveway waiting for him 🙂

    Absolutely love it – you have a new reader 🙂

  9. Thanks that story reminds me of my aunt Sharon that we just lost, I needed that!

  11. I read it twice and I laughed out loud at the same part “at least its not towels” hilarious!

  12. OMG! I have just read a woman as twisted as me. I have to do this. It’s nearly perfect in every way. Can I use Beyonce’ for my FB profile pic?

  15. actually…I wasn’t drunk, but, my blood sugar WAS dangerously low

    ps…I named mine Rigoberto Von Doodledoo…yes…THE Doodledoos

  16. You are hilarious!!! And btw, i bought the turtle and the pelican and love them! (and wasn’t drunk when purchasing them!)

  17. I am laughing hysterically and my husband just keeps asking me why. Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

  18. Just wanted to thank you for the greatest Friday night we have had in a long time. My computer was passed around to five different neighborhood moms and one soon to be husband. We laughed, we cried, we peed our pants. This and a cool glass of chardonnay completed our week!

  21. Thanks Jenny for making me laugh so hard! Two very different friends posted a link on Facebook, so I knew I had to read it. I re-posted the link and now all of my friends are reading it and laughing. You have a gift for humor — thanks for sharing it.

  22. Aaaahhhh! Sometimes men get exactly what they deserve for not seeing the world from our perspective! LOL!

  24. That is one freaking great chicken!! I think I need one. The battle story is priceless! Men just don’t know what they are getting themselves into when they tell a woman NOT to do something!!

  26. One time there was a knock at my door and when I opened it there was a ladder standing there. Wish it had been a metal chicken. I mean, this ladder had paint splatter all over it and if it had a face, am sure it would be smirking and saying something like, “I’m in tight with Jackson Pollock.”

    But it never answered my questions and, now I’m thinking, it probably only spoke Renovation, and I only know English and some Esperanto I learned during a crazy night drinking sidecars with some people. Or riding in a sidecar. Don’t remember.

    Anyway, the chicken is great.

  27. Omg. My mom collects tasteful chickens. Everytime she gets another one, my dad says, “Not another fucking chicken!”. Everytime! I think he’s given up now ;). I don’t think my mom would ever get that chicken, but I can only imagine my dad’s reaction if she were to!!! Awesome!!

  30. And suddenly, sales for giant metal cocks skyrocket.

    Heh. Best thing I’ve read in ages.

  32. I have laughed so phucking hard I have tears!! This is an awesome story and one I can so totally relate to! Thanks for writing it I am signing up for your adventures! Also where can I get that chicken? My anniversary is coming up and my husband wants one! hahaa Kate

  33. I learned long ago to pick your battles. But this is good. Married 30 yrs

  34. The best part is when Victor informed the UPS guy that the chicken is evil. That may not be what he said, but that is what I heard. Then it reminded me of the evil chicken that Peter from Family Guy got in fights with that one episode all over the city. So now I envision that Victor looks like Peter and he is running around town yelling and trying to capture a metal chicken. Good times.

  35. Where have you been all my life? I haven’t laughed this hard in ages.

    And to all the people who apparently missed the point, this is a HUMOR site. I’ve been married almost 10 years and this is exactly the kind of crazy stuff my hubs and I do to each other. It’s the reason we’re still together. If you can’t get the humor in this, you are probably not too much fun yourself.

  37. I am jealous, I need a friend for my full sized paper mache penguin that is at my door to greet people, a present from my hubby of 25 years. Life is about laughter

  41. Men are all alike! My husband said the same thing as yours “What a waste of money!” No humor I tell you –

  42. I laughed really hard at this post saying to myself, “oh haha, that’s so funny, who would ever buy something like that if they weren’t drunk or making a joke?!” then i remembered that my mother has a fairly large bird sculpture made out of garden tools sitting quite un-ironically outside her front door.

    as a social experiment i showed my mom a picture of your huge metal chicken without any context and now (not surprisingly) she wants one. she said its beautiful and wants to know where you got it. i wish i were lying.

  44. Wow, you guys need counseling. First of all, it’s ridiculous that you would need permission to buy towels, and that he would (even jokingly) threaten physical abuse if you buy them. On the other hand, I can see why you need permission to buy things because you are clearly irresponsible with money – there are people who can’t even afford to feed their children, pay their rent, etc, and you are wasting money on a tacky piece of art for the sole purpose of very childishly get back at your husband instead of communicating like adults.

    I agree with whoever said sitcoms tell us this kind of thing is normal but it is not.

  47. Victor sounds like my husband, only in Our house, it’s throw pillows. Awesome.

  48. It’s 1967, I’m newly married and at a pottery show with some girlfriends. I saw a *turkey vulture peanut butter jar* for $25. I pictured my new husband’s choloric visage (who by the way is a ringer for Victor, even at 73), and after arguing with myself, didn’t buy it.

    YOU, Jenny, are without regret and laughing your ass off (mine began falling off going into your third paragraph!!), whereas I am still filled with regret over not buying “my bird.” Please keep on writing your wonderful stories!

  49. I LOVE that Victor looked at the chicken in “stunned silence” and just walked away! A friend sent me this link to brighten up my sucky day and it worked. Rock on.

  50. Oh ty sooo much for the laughs; I really needed that!!! My daughter emailed the link and all she wrote was “let me know what you think”.
    You know your purchase truly was logical and I would be willing to wager a bet that your hubby never says “no more …. (insert anything)” in the future.
    This is my first visit here and you can bet your sweet bippy that “I’ll be backkkk”.

  51. And in the coming years, whenever Victor gets in a snit over something silly like buying a few towels, all you have to do is lean over & whisper softly in his ear, “Knock, knock motherfucker!”

  52. Love this! I’m studying for the bar right now, and this is the hardest I’ve laughed in four weeks! Thanks.

  53. I’m mildly scared that you may be my clone because I nearly bought this exact same chicken, also for revenge purposes.

  54. I just read through ALL the comments, because the insulting ones are so hilariously ignorant.
    1. Who ever said it was Victor’s money?
    2. What the hell ass balls is up with the “permission” thing?
    3. IT’S A HUMOR BLOG, Y’ALL. Not really something that you can accurately psychoanalyse.

    P.S. Congratulations on Hailey swimming!

    Also, I am so intimidated by how perfect this post is that I probably have to quit my blog now.

  57. Totally awesome blog!!! I love it. Everyone should have a 5-foot metal chicken.

  58. I keep giggling over “knock-knock, motherfucker.” I’d have come home with a carload of towels, but the big metal chicken was so much better.

  60. I laughed, I cried, I peed my pants. This story is hilarious. Your giant metal chicken really puts my ceramic hen to shame. I’m going to break it right now.

  61. I laughed til I cried. My daughter sent me your link and then told me she could so see me doing this to her dad, of who I’ve been married to for 33 years. Best compliment ever! Thanks for a belly laugh!

  62. That is possibly the funniest blog I have ever read. Thank you for making me and my husband laugh together!

  64. I so wish my husband would give ME enough money to buy such a chicken. But, that also assumes he would let me leave the house.

    Perhaps some are not ready for the phenom known as The Bloggess. In fairness, we should give them time to catch up.

  65. I think Nathan & Charlie Red are just mad their women can’t say they have 5ft cocks. They both have no sense of humor.

  66. I love it! I want one for my hubby! Our 2nd anniversary is fast approaching, and I think a big metal chicken would make an excellent anniversary present! I’d sure as hell appreciate one if I got one!

  69. So. Freakin. Funny. My husband was afraid I was hyperventilating as I laughed reading it over his shoulder (when I made him sit down to read it…did I say forced him to read it). I still can’t catch my breath when I read it over and over. Thanks for sharing!

  71. When giving directions to my parents ranch I tell people to look for the big metal chick as the landmark. Apparently there is a market for big metal chickens. Who knew?

  72. best 15th anniversary ever? well you only have one – unless you plan on divorcing Victor sometime soon. Picking your battles carefully? If that were the case you would have realized spending money was the lesson, and you went ahead and bought a $100 piece of junk. You saved $200? More like you wasted $100. Picking your battles carefully should have been that you a) didnt react to a situation where money was involved by spending more money or b) bought towels for less than $100.

  73. best 15th anniversary ever? well you only have one – unless you plan on divorcing Victor sometime soon. Picking your battles carefully? If that were the case you would have realized spending money was the lesson, and you went ahead and bought a $100 piece of junk. You saved $200? More like you wasted $100. Picking your battles carefully should have been that you a) didnt react to a situation where money was involved by spending more money or b) bought towels for less than $100.

  74. My wife and I have been married 20 years. This story made us laugh. HARD!!

    We figure most arguments early in a marriage are over the bigger things. Where to live, what schools to send the kids to. By the time you get to 15 or 20 years, it does come down to towels.

    When I asked my wife if she would have bought a metal chicken, she replied “I would have bought the towels in a color you Hate.”

  77. Your husband is a saint… mine would have killed me (not really). But that’s an awesome chicken. I was laughing so hard I had tears coming out of my eyes.

    At least it’s not towels. 😀

  78. A friend sent this to me after I’ve had 3 crappy days and I laughed so hard I cried. My husband wanted to know what I was laughing about after been depressed for so long and I read it to him, now he is worried that I liked this so much, hahahahaha he keeps saying 100 DOLLARS ON A METAL CHICKEN! hahahahahahahaha I’ll be back for more things to frighten him with, thank you for that

  79. best laugh i’ve had in a while…and i’m still laughing! Where’s the ‘like’ button on this page?

  80. It sounds like you and your friend like to torment your husband.

    If it were me, you would not be worth the effort, and divorce is in the future.

    You are the type of woman that does not appreciate her husband for anything except giving you money to waste on junk.

    I feel sorry for your husband,

  83. Hey Anonymous 2046 – I have $100. You have no idea who I am or the relationship betwixt me and my husband or my personal taste. Could you PLEASE give me some marriage advice and tell me how to spend my money? Base it solely on your values and what is important to you. AND? Tell me your favorite joke, you funny bastard!!
    *crickets* *crickets* *crickets*

  84. Holy crap, I cannot stop laughing. I was already in tears over “…this chicken will cut you,” then I really lost it when I saw the picture of the chicken standing at the door.
    Fabulous.

  86. Wow … doing a “Ctrl-F” and discovering that there are 182 *cock* occurrences in this post (and the related comments) was even too much for this homo.

  88. Ok, so I’m a 54-year-old guy, and my wife and I are about to celebrate our 29th anniversary in a couple of months. I’ve also read virtually every bloggess post (and most of what Jenny posts at other sites) since sometime in 2008. I loved this post, as did my wife and our daughter. I rarely comment, and I’ve held off here, but I feel compelled to respond to some of the judgmental criticisms that have been posted. I know Jenny is managing to find humor in them, but they do rather disturb me.

    I have a few problems here: First is that, regardless of however much pain many people are going through in this country right now, $100 just isn’t that much money anymore. $100 is about two tenths of one percent of the annual median household income, nationwide. This means that, for half of all households in the US, this is less than a half a day’s income. Unless someone is living well beyond their means to begin with, $100 isn’t going to make or break most families’ financial well-being. Moreover, if everyone with money stops spending, because of feelings of guilt, or fear of the future, or whatever, then the economy just never gets better. Charity is good, but jobs and a healthy economy is better. If you want to help the jobless get back on their feet, go out and spend money. Now. And yes, it really does work this way.

    The second problem I have is this idea that one spouse getting pissed about one little thing is an indication that the marriage is failing or likely to fail in the future. As someone married to the same person for almost three decades, I will say with some confidence that this perspective is just pathetic. Marriage is work, and it takes constant attention and true commitment to be sucessful. I have never seen a long-standing marriage absent of conflict — at least, not one that wasn’t a little creepy. Now, I have seen marriages wherein the partners rarely allow any outward sign of conflict, but if you know them well enough for long enough, eventually the guard comes down and the disagreements and disappointments start to show through.

    Perhaps this is the real “sin” that Jenny commited: Being so open as to let the world see their conflict. But trust me: Especailly if both partners are comfortable with it, this is healthy. And Jenny has been reporting these little spats with Victor (often, I expect, somewhat fictionalized) for years. If Victor had a problem with it, I very much doubt she’d still be doing this. A well-developed sense of humor is another one of those things that helps a marriage survive.

  91. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Your front door photo is gold. I will picture it every time I’m feeling upset. Sure cure! You rock, Sister!

  92. omg–love it
    think of the possibilities—–a santa hat a x-mas, tail feathers at thanksgiving, rabbit ears, and oh my a pumpkin mask !!! This is the gift that keeps on giving all year long

  93. “And in spite of my vagina I’ve even had years when I’ve made more than him.”

    I think I just tore my hymen (again) from laughing so hard.

    I know some women who would argue that it was “because of” their vagina. In fact, they’re working on the street across from my apartment building right now…

  94. I think you are pretty awesome and the kind of person I’d hand with! 🙂 For those who are giving you crap about it – they totally have NO sense of humor and it is YOUR business what you do with your money – buying 5′ chickens or giving to charity – certainly not theirs. If people can’t take a joke and laugh a little what good are they?? I thought it was awesome and the next time maybe he won’t be so opinionated and demanding in what you buy or don’t buy. Marriage is suppose to be 50/50 – most of the time anyway. If you both get along and do funny stuff like this and haven’t divorced by now or killed each other then no one has the right to say anything. I got a huge kick out of it. My husband would totally expect me to do something so random like that. He knows not to tell me to ‘not’ to do something. Simply doesn’t not work! You keep up the good work! I’m glad someone posted this on Facebook – soooo good! 🙂 Now I can go to sleep peacefully!!
    RMK

  96. I keep coming back to this post because its hilarious. The banter between you and Victor, to me, is very comforting that there are two other sick and twisted individuals that would get a damn good laugh out of harassing the shit out of each other. I’d do that. My friends love me for it 😉

    The negative comments that claim to sum up flaws in your marriage and most even say that you are headed for divorce actually shocked me. They based their assumptions on something that was meant to be funny. But, humor is the root of all evil in a marriage apparently!

    The negative commenter obviously…

    A) Is the epitome of perfection in all relationships. I bet they were picked first for every team, always got the girl and helps little old ladies cross the street. They are the perfect all american commenter we all wish we could be like. They are just that effin cool.
    B) Does not like big cocks
    C) Feels that a successful and happy marriage is based only on total obedience and void of sarcasm, banter and laughter
    D) Has cock envy
    E) Probably doesn’t understand the sarcasm in this comment
    F) Will probably now jump to my blog and leave me an insightful negative comment on how I suck at life because I don’t whine and laugh too much.
    G) All of the above

    I vote for G!

    Either way if a happy marriage is based on total obedience and being void of any fun, laughter, sarcasm and banter then I relish in the fact I’m a single Mom!

  97. Okay, seriously people? You complain that Jenny wasted $100 on a chicken which she purchased because she found it full of whimsy? You claim that the issue is that she ‘wasted’ $100? Yeah? Well, go picket the BMW dealership. Stand in the chips aisle of the grocery store. Sneer at people at the mall. Go find stores selling metal chickens or pedeggs or silk men’s shirts or personalized bowling balls and yell at the managers because they are selling things that are a waste of money. A lot of people spend $100 on something YOU don’t approve. Does it hit your pocketbook? NO. It’s HER money to spend. So it’s NOYB. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS how she chooses to spend her money! People don’t have to take into account YOUR financial situation before they decide how to spend their own money. Your Mama should have taught you it don’t work that way!
    The commenter who said that it’s about the haves and have-nots… well, you’re right. But it’s a fact of life that some will have more and some less than you. You only have one life so look at yourself, not others. Everywhere you look you will find those more and those less fortunate than you. Jenny works for what she has. And sometimes between the hilarious posts you will see one about how she went to the emergency room in intractable pain from her crippling arthritis. Or you will see a post about all the miscarriages she suffered. Or her battles with depression and anxiety. Her life is not all sunshine and silly shopping trips. But if she can afford $100 to spend on a yard decoration which she loves, that’s her decision. You have been given your own life with its challenges and its rewards. Don’t look at what others have and envy them. Jenny worked hard to raise that money for charity. She put in long hours matching up donors and recipients. It didn’t come free or easy to her, either. You assume far too much. Instead of deciding that she must have had an easy time raising $42,000 because you perceive her to be privileged, try to raise $4200, yourself, for charity.
    For those who feel sorry for Victor, have you ever heard of the concept of a ‘straight man’ in comedic writing? That’s who Victor is. He’s the straight man. It wouldn’t be funny for her to go out and buy a metal chicken if she didn’t have him to react. If she just took it home and used it to hold the towels, we would all click away from the blog. There may be some hyperbole added to the blog for comedic effect. That’s how she sells ads, which allow her to buy wine slushies and met…. oh, never mind.
    Which leads to the final point. If this blog is not your cup of tea? You know how to click away! We’re not all alike so please exercise your immense powers to redirect your browser to asseenontv.com or whatever makes you feel right at home.
    Where the hell is Nancy Kappes, paralegal, when you need her? She’d tear these people a new asshole. Bless you Nancy, and R.I.P.

  98. Wow…what a selfish bitch! I guess the next time she told Victor not to stay out too late with the guys, she would find it funny if he came home early with a crackhead on the front door.

  99. Happy Anniversary for July 4th, we too celebrated our 15th anniversary this year (we thought it ironic to lose our independence that day). Sadly I don’t think I could top that gift for my hubby but you have given me some ideas, and some thoughts on my next shopping trip lol.

  100. The huge chicken out the front door is so funny, but It would scare me if it was waiting at my front door lol

  101. Laughter is what keeps the insane world from tearing us down. I’m pretty sure that theis metal chicken has earned its right to stand proud in having made many people laugh and giggle, and its just begun.
    now, as a fellow resident of houston who has an annual flamingo fest duirngth e lights in THE Heights it is second SAT in December, so there is time for us to help beyonce find something fun to wear! :_) Iona McAvoy

  104. I thought this was an absolutely HILARIOUS story!
    I did not read through ALL of the comments, but I read the first couple and then the last couple …. I find it hard to believe that ANYONE took offense to this story and/or tried to give you ‘marital advice’.
    I found both Leila & Rachel’s comments to be right on …..
    A marriage without ‘give & take’, that is totally devoid of humor, is a boring existence. Trust me … I KNOW.
    GOOD FOR YOU Ms. Blogess!
    (“Dude, nice chicken”)
    15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS!

  105. The lesson here for your husband isn’t that he needs to pick his battles more carefully, but that he needs to seriously consider divorcing your crazy ass.

  106. This is one of the greatest posts with cock referrals that i have ever read! bwhahaha!

    I love the Home Goods store – they have a seemingly large selection of ugly chicken/rooster items at any given time. I venture there to buy my sister’s presents as she collects those things and the last thing I bought for her was a 4 foot wide by 3 foot tall wire rooster that is an outside patio table….it’s like Jenny and I live parallel lives or something….:)

  108. What a hoot! I am dying to know if your friend Laura is my Texas daughter Laura. It sound like something she would do…especially if you to the bird home and she didn’t have it haning around her grayhounds.!
    Sooooooo funny.

  109. I have a neighbor who has a life sized metal moose in her yard. I wonder if she’d have it if her husband were still alive.
    This is hilarious!

  112. Thanks for the chuckles this morn I really needed that! P.s. I love the foul language makes me laugh even more (cuz it sounds like me) 😉

  113. Without a sense of humor – life is dull….Thanks you made me cry laughing 🙂

  114. I have not laughed this hard in a while! My husband was going right along with me.

  115. Love this story! It`s nice to see that other couples share the same sense of humor that hubby and I have. I sent this to hubby,and he laughed and laughed.

    Then he proceeded to tell me that 14 years (our next anniversary) is towels, not big metal chickens.

  116. Oh I LOVE those!!!! I actually (unsuccessfully) campaigned for one myself! I probably should have gone the surprise chicken ringing the doorbell route…

  119. This is one of the funniest stories I have read in a while. It sounds like something I would do. I think my husband learned a long time ago it is best to NOT try and tell me to not do something. 😀

  121. OMG – I have never laughed so hard on a Sunday morning. Tears are streaming down my face! A friend of mine posted your blog on Facebook – I am now a totally devoted fan.
    Dude, Nice Chicken.

  122. That is the most awesome ‘yard art’ I’ve ever seen. Have been laughing my A$$ of w/eyes filled w/tears for 5 minutes. Men are just not equipped for that type of threat. Also the towels would have cost more. LMAO

  125. Maybe you should try living a life where you actually have to watch your money only being able to buy things you can afford, think of everyone out there and what they could do with that $100. Oh and your right picking your battles is correct but your the one who picked a battle over a bath towel why? Because you can’t handle Victor being right, you don’t actually need new bath towels?

  126. The funniest part about this post is the fact that there are actually people who think you have stayed married for more than three and a half minutes to a man who doesn’t get your sense of humor. People are fucking daft. And I love it. I hope to someday piss off this many people in an equally ridiculous way.

  129. Now that is some funny shit right there! I haven’t stopped laughing. I happen to get this blog from a girlfriend of mine, and have been down since my boyfriend shipped out for Army training in Missouri on Wednesday. Thanks for the laugh, I SO needed it! 🙂

  131. We (my sister and I) read this to my brother-in-law. He didn’t find it funny at all. Which, of course, made it all the more hysterical.

  132. Dang. Why’d it have to be the 15 year mark. If it was 20 I cold totally use this as a reason to get a 5 foot chicken for my wife in a couple years.

    For perspective I’d love to see a version of this from Victor’s side. I can see him sitting at a bar telling his buds (I picture him having buds, multiple) telling them all about it.

    “I just said I didn’t like the pink towels and she brought home this !@#$%^& chicken. I think she may be mentally disturbed”

    bud#1: “But she’s good in bed, right?”

    Victor: “True”

    Conversation over.

  133. A friend of mine shared this with me on FB and I could not stop laughing. This is something I would do! Thank you for the hystarical story, and possible future idea:) My husband has “banned” me from buying baskets…

  134. Where are your ads? I want to click on them to reward you with 2 cents for writing this gem. Make that goddamn chicken pay for itself already.

  136. What people need to remember is that as bloggers, we tell stories… plain and simple. Writing our stories is a small reflection of who we are… not the whole picture. Our readers don’t ‘know us’ just because they are a fan or a follower. Our families… friends… they’re the ones who know us and support us and from the small bit Jenny has shared about her marriage to Victor… there’s a lot of love, laughter and mutual respect between both of them. The writing… that’s just for fun… to make you laugh or think. Certainly bloggers put themselves “out there” and it draws criticism at times… but lets not forget that Jenny just wrote a funny story… that’s it anad that’s all. And… i’m pretty sure she wrote it with the support of her husband… knowing her humor and silliness as well as he does.

    Thanks Jenny for showing me the ‘lighter side of life’, for making me laugh until my sides hurt, for proving that all of my self consciousness and fears are “normal”, for teaching me that as bloggers we really can make a difference in the lives of so many (proven countless times by the money you’ve raised for your readers).

    Most importantly… thank you for the personal email when the man I was married to turned out to be a Giant Cock… your silly stories and inspiring journey really has gotten me through some of my very worst days.

    I don’t claim to begin to know you… but I definitely consider you a friend.

  137. I wish I knew you personally…You are my kind of girl. This made me laugh out loud, thanks!

  139. A friend of mine sent me the link to this posting …. and O.M.F.G!!!! Just hilarious!! Your husband is seriously lacking in the humor department, isn’t he? Poor thing…..

    But you are PRICELESS!!! Thanks for this!

  140. Hysterically funny! I nearly fell out of my chair when I read the caption, knock-knock, motherfucker, and I keep returning to re-read it and it continues to have the same affect. Bravo!

  143. Thank you for such a great laugh first thing this morning! If I had a hubby I would buy him a huge chicken as well! You are hilarious. Now if you could animate the chicken on a sensor – imagine the possibilities! Like the robot in Lost in Space! “Good morning Victor” every time he comes outside! teehee

  144. my chicken is only 2 ft tall…..i am jealous, very very jealous…….

    and the husband who cant laugh?……think about that.

  145. Normally a guy gets a blowjob on the anniversary.

    Granted, it’s not as enthusiastice as when you were dating, nor do they swallow as much, but it’s the thought that counts.

  147. I have read this post at least 10 times and to all of my friends and am still laughing hysterically. I NEED one of these chickens.

  148. Oh Jenny! There is a place in the French Quarter in New Orleans that sells OTHER ANIMALS!! I have a lime green flying pig with yellow wings!! Granted mine is only a foot tall, but I think they had bigger ones!!!!!!!!!

  149. This was so funny I laughed so hard my bladder stimulator turned off. This chicken is going to be famous. I don’t know where you live but you would be a very fun friend..

  150. hahahha, that was the first laugh I had today! I sure wish I had a giant chicken. The second best laugh of the day came when reading the comment by June above. She was all sanctimonious about the disrespecting marriage and then wound up the comment by saying “the day i spend 100$ on something so wasteful, is the day I give up my right to be a parent.” The pure douchyness of lecturing someone else on marriage, coupled with the self-righteousness of parenthood made this comment hysterical.

  151. I find it hilarious how many new people feel qualified to comment on the state of your marriage based on this one post. Then I imagined teleporting Beyoncé in front of their doors and couldn´t stop laughing. Knock knock, motherfuckers.

  153. Just when you think you heard it all another wonderful story comes along. Thank you for such a great laugh.

  154. Just when you think you heard it all another wonderful story comes along. Thank you for such a great laugh.

  157. Laughing so hard I scared my kids….have tears in my eyes and my sides hurt! THANKS FOR MAKING MY DAY!!!! (and giving me possible gift ideas!)

  158. A friend at my book club (who has the BEST sense of humor) recommended this blog to me yesterday. I just read this post and laughed so hard I cried. LOVE your sense of humor. Thanks for sharing. I have NO desire for a 5ft chicken, but I sure do like the story.
    Thanks for making my day.

  160. Oh sweet Beyonce. x D
    That.
    Was.
    Hilarious.
    Thank you for both making me nearly choke to death in laughter, and inspiring me to just live a little. Because I think everyone needs their own five foot metal chicken named Beyonce in their life.

  161. I think that’ll teach Victor not to tell you what u can and can not buy…maybe next time he will be careful with the battles and demands he choses…lol

  162. You ROCK Jenny!!! I needed a laugh today as my hubby and I have been disagreeing lately and wish I could find a big chicken for him just to make the point.

  165. I was presuming that your title was saying “Lesson to self – learn to pick your battles” But Noooo! Crabby, towel-purchase-denying husband needs to pick HIS battles!!! Excellent!!! INDEED – OTHER people need to LEARN that lesson, uh-huh, yeah, that’s what I said!

  166. So I decided to read this to my husband and at the very beginning he was all, “towels are towels” to which I responded by going to the bathroom and grabbing a bath towel and beach towel. I came back and said, “observe the absorbency of this bath towel.” He did and agreed it was very nice. Then I said, “now observe the non-absorbency of this beach towel.” After seeing the difference he understood why you have one of each. XD

    Also, very awesome post. I was cautioned to not present a 5ft chicken for our 15th anniversary, but I have a feeling this is going to be one of those times I conveniently forget. XD

  167. This reminds me of the time that I blogged about my husband telling me not to buy towels. Of course instead of going out and buying a big, metal man-chicken, I canceled my shopping trip. THen I got out my needle and thread and repatched and rehemmed all our towels. Later I made my husband a pot-pie and told him how it was the best day ever. The funny thing is, nobody read my blog post.

  168. My mom sent this to me in an e-mail after she and my dad read it. My dad almost busted a gut and they have been married for over 30 years. People are ignorant and silly with their mean sexist comments. I never comment on blogs, but I wanted to say thanks in a time that i have been feeling down and full of anxiety, this humor made my day. (And my best friend and I would totally have done the same thing!) I will continue to read your blog.

  169. PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHERE THIS STORE IS – I HAVE TO HAVE ONE FOR MY GARDEN. MY NEIGHBOR NEXT DOOR HAS A MONKEY HANGING IN MY TREE THAT IS ON HIS SIDE OF THE FENCE AND I WANT THE GIANT CHICKEN (ROOSTER) TO FACE HIS POOL!

  170. Now, all you need to purchase is a big metal egg — think of Victor’s face the first time someone asks him, “What came first, the chicken or the egg”???? Gotta love it!

  171. Someone forwarded this to me and you are a hoot! The tears are streaming and I’ll now forward this to my “Victor” to gauge his reaction.

  172. Sounds like you enjoy playing abusive mind games. Two can play that game. Spending money uncontrollably will irritate MOST sensible people. Be glad you have Victor. At the minimum, I would have chained you to the chicken and looked at you suffer for awhile out the window. If that didn’t work, then you might have found yourself impaled by the overly sharp chicken during the night when I was getting up to get a drink of water. Then during the investigation I would site the facts that the chicken is clearly unstable, even having evidence from the clerk who had trouble with the thing in the store, just like you were for buying the chicken and wanting it in the bedroom. Everyone can be replaced, even a mentally unstable wife who likes to push things too far.

    Of course, before getting to that point, I would have left long ago and avoided this kind of behavior. I would have found someone more compatible and less mental. But to each their own.

  173. Jenny, I have read your blog for a very long time now. I have laughed, cried, and thought about life with you. However, this is the BEST. DAMN. POST. EVER.

  175. Hilarious story. It’s like a scene out of one Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum novels which I love, btw. And the photo of a five foot tall rooster ringing the doorbell is awesome.

  176. Hilarious blog post. One of your best, Jenny.

    I wonder if the owner of the business where you purchased the chicken/rooster/cock agrees that spending a $100 in her store was wasteful? I’m sure when she’s doing her payroll or paying her electric bill, she was cursing that extra $100 and wishing all those frivolous spendthrifts would stop patronizing her store. Jeez. Who needs them anyway?

  177. Pingback: Stuff I Starred Sunday – Beacuse I Really, Really Care « LucidLotusLife

  178. Please, please, fix it so you can hang hot pink beach towels from the chicken. So Beyonce becomes a giant-chicken-towel-butler.

  180. OK. The few men that commented are really pissed off because you made Victor look like a sap. But to the Victor goes the spoils, and that would be you and your metal chicken. If my wife brought home a 5′ metal chicken, I would name it Foghorn Leghorn, after my favorite cartoon character, and I would plant it on our front lawn so all the neighbors and passers by could see it, and wonder WTF is wrong with those people. Obviously, you are ashamed of your chicken, because you planted it BEHIND your house, among some bushes, where only Victor can see it. Why don’t you man up and put it on the front lawn, where it belongs.

  182. It’s official. I’ll be on the hunt for a 5-foot chicken now. I must do this to everyone in my neighborhood – although I think I should find something a bit lighter and sturdier…or maybe I’ll create my own!

    If only…

  184. OMG, not only is this hilarious, but I totally would have brought the rooster home too. If you really want to get rid of it and are in the Bay Area, shoot me an email.

  185. What did you you get him for your 3rd year anniversary? I was thinking of getting my hubby a little rubber chicken to start small. For 15 years, that is the best gift ever.

  186. I love it. That is the best news I have heard in years. I can not stop laughing. This was priceless. You got more than your moneys worth. 🙂 Have a great day.

  188. Too freakin funny. You know the poor guy is never going to hear the end of it or stop getting chicken gifts for the next 20 years. That’ll teach him to not let you buy towels next time! I once tortured my husband with a big ass heavey 40 pound wooden carved monkey that I made him drag all over Africa so could have it in my office. That poor guy still hate monkies to this day.

    Love your blogs!

  190. Wow. If this many people are pissed off about a chicken what must they think of the soon to be saint James Garfield?

  191. Hysterical! And I’m a chicken fanatic too. Too bad she ruined the entire thing with all the “and I was all like this” and “she was all that” and “Victor was all like”. You had a great story, spoiled in large part by the telling. Just leave out the vernacular next time. Oh, “vernacular” means “stupid trendy crap that people use to describe normal things”.

  193. I found a link to this post on Twitter, and oh my gosh. I love you. I wish I had a husband to tease XD
    Also I love the name Victor. Just throwing that out there.

  195. The photo by the door’s hilarious! And I LOVE your wit! This is my first time reading your blog but I did note that Bloggess rhymes with Goddess – how apropo!

  196. I love it! I showed it to my husband, and 2 days later told him we needed new towels. He sighed and said “Well, at least its not a chicken” 🙂

  197. I’ve already commented, but I had to come back and tell you that I have read this at least once a day because it makes me laugh out loud every freaking time. I was near Home Goods the other day and the urge to go in and hunt for a chicken was damn near uncontrollable.

  198. OMG!!!!!! I am legit laughing uncontrollably over this! Beyonce the chicken? A big metal chicken!?!?!?! Hhah, I hope this is my life when I’m married one day!

  199. Thank you for this post. I laughed throughout and am now going to find you on twitter. Seriously. Funny.

  200. I found and purchased a big metal chicken!! My best friend suffered a personal loss recently and I haven’t seen her really just laugh since then. We are sharing custody of our chicken, whom we named Maybelle. Thank you so much for making us laugh, even when we didn’t think we could!

  201. I’ve been married 36 yrs and never came across a metal 5′ chicken! I’m gonna look for one before the 37th anniv. so i can present “him” with the best anniversary present anyone could give! i have rubber chickens which I hung from a string in the stairway of our bedroom but a metal 5′ chicken is the ultimate!
    You Rock!! 🙂

  202. I am quite certain this is the funniest blog post in existence. You’re amazing.

  204. I can’t believe how many people are freaking out over spending $100 on something. It’s 100 bucks. It’s not like she sold her house to buy lawn art and then had no yard to put it in because it was sold like some fucked-up Gift of the Magi scenario. People have the right to spend their money on whatever they see fit to spend it on. And if I could find a 5-foot frog in my neck of the woods, that sucker would be mine, even if $200 of it wasn’t free.

  205. Is your husband’s name really Victor? Because that’s a great name for a bloggess’s husband. Much funnier than if his name were Chris, Tom, or Sam. (or Bob, Dave, Justin, Jason, Blaine, etc.)

    And… maybe I’m old and traditional, but I would never stand for any interference in my linen closet affairs from a husband. Husbands do not get to have an opinion about any kind of towels except shop towels. Shop towels stay in the shop, and are not allowed in the house.

    These younger guys who can be depended on to turn the oven down to 350 in 30 minutes, and who wash dishes, have their good points, but a husband (who I assume is a straight man) has NO BUSINESS even BRINGING UP the subject of towels much less expressing an opinion about the timeline of purchasing them. They can say they like bath sheets better than regular size bath towels if that opinion is solicited by their wife but they are not permitted to give any unsolicited preference of color or any other towel attribute.

    Same thing for sheets, pillowcases, blankets, duvet covers, quilts, bedspreads, dust ruffles, pillow shams, and throws. Curtains, tablecloths, and placemats also follow the linen closet rule: Husbands butt out, this stuff is none of your business.

    Yes, I have a husband, same one since 1981. He says he likes high thread count 100% cotton sateen sheets but only when asked. He has slept on solid colors, (colors my choice) and dainty florals without complaint or remark of any kind, which is just as it should be.

  206. O. My. Gosh. Absolutely the most hilarious things i’ve seen in months. Was linked from my best friend’s FB page. And the whole time i was reading I could envision us totally having the same conversation and loading that big-ass chicken in my truck. The doorbell pic was a surprise however and I laughed and cried uncontrollably…..the pieces of wood across her feet to keep her from tipping over sent me over the edge…lol…what a great end to the weekend. AND I love the idea of making beyonce a towel rack!!! You’ll have to supply more pics of beyonce’ along to let us know what she’s up to…lol. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  207. Funniest damn thing I’ve read in a long time. “Knock-knock, motherfucker”…freaking classic. Totally can picture my wife and I having this same scenario happen to us and appreciate that other people are as crazy as us.

  208. Too funny!! I have a different metal chicken that drives my husband nuts too and thats why we still have him. I call him “art” cause he is a work of art. 🙂 My husband has even heard women he works with talking about buying chickens for decorating their home with. He cant get away from the “chicken.”. Lol

  209. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. I am still pissing myself. Funniest shit I’ve read online in…EVER. And my husband even agreed even though he was CRANK.EEEE because I woke him with my choking gasps as I read this. (He was concerned that I was “in danger.”) Truly, stupendously and awesomely funny.

  210. Damn- I was totally unaware that the 15th anniversary was giant metal chickens. I’m totally missing out!

  211. After I just celebrated and blogged about my 4th wedding anniversary, my husband’s stepmother passed this blog on to me so I could read a very different anniversary story. Hilarious. I’m hooked. Note to self: 15th anniversary is giant metal chicken.

  212. OMG I’d love to meet you or even shop with you….I laughed so hard….My friend send me this and said it’s me all over and yes I would have got the chicken but hide the towels

  214. I really needed a good laugh and I got one full-on with tears. Thank you!!!!

  216. This was the funniest f&cking thing I read all week. I started wheezing from laughing so hard at the “Knock, knock motherf&cker” photo caption. O.M.G.

  218. Perspective. Now Victor has it.

    I also love how many people have accused you of wasting ‘his’ money. Even if he is the only income-earner in the household, it’s still YOUR money. If you stay home, cook, clean, raise a child, and have sex with Victor, then you work too. If he was paying somebody to do all those things for him, I’m pretty sure the bill would far exceed the $100 you spent. I’m not saying this for Victor’s benefit, since he seems like a really cool guy, but for the benefit of those who think a woman who stays home doesn’t work and therefore has no right to the bank account. Which isn’t even the case for you, since you DO work, and damn hard by the looks of things.

    You are awesome. Never stop being you.

  219. Crazy delightful sense of humour …. the chicken is just so outrageous it has me thinking that it should have a set of adventures… akin to the postcards of the stolen garden gnomes in Europe etc!!!! Keep on writing… this is great stuff!

  220. This is the funniest blog post I have read in forever…Sisterhood of the Travelling Chicken, anyone?

  221. Wow…I just realized you write for the Chronicle and live in the same area as me! You should definately Travel that Chicken!!

  222. And @ Rachel Y. (#2092)

    AMEN!!! If Nancy could see this, this post would have been 1000% better than it is, and it is 1000% better than any post I have ever read. That would be like…I don’t know, a metric shit-ton of amazing. I’m bad at math. But just think: Knock-knock Motherfucker meets Carry On, Motherfucker. Jenny’s servers would have just imploded from the sheer awesomeness.

  223. This post was hilarious, but what’s even more laughable are the ridiculous comments. I bet when you posted this you didn’t expect the handfuls of unwarranted marriage advice? After reading a number of your posts, I’m assuming Victor knew what he was getting into when he married you (good man.) You don’t take yourself too seriously, which is a quality some of the commenters on this post need to adopt. Your husband doesn’t seem like the kind of man who would harbor “resentment” over a damn chicken, and you, or any woman for that matter, shouldn’t feel the need to stroke your husband’s ego because you happen to be blessed with one hell of a sense of humor. So basically what I’m saying is, your zest for life is admirable. You’re not a “man basher” or a bad wife. To hell with the haters.. they can marinate in their resentment and enjoy the stick up their asses.

  224. Best laugh I’ve had in years. Everyone needs a little chicken in their lives!!!

  225. NEWS FLASH: HR departments have been issuing paycheques/checks to people with vaginas for at least five years now. Yeah, sure, I have to get them issued in my husband’s name and he has to take them to the bank for me, but STILL.

  227. Holy Hannah — I just leaked pee. Everything about this situation screams hilarious.
    Love it.

  228. I don’t think I would have bought the chicken, well I know I wouldn’t have, but I love your blog post on it! Cheered up my day immensely.

  230. I was laughing OUTLOUD! I was referred to your blog by damomma.com, and I’m so happy I read your post you crack me up!

  232. Is Victor really this much of a jerk? Wow. Sounds like you have a great sense of humor which is what marriages need. How could anyone not think Beyonce is not funny?

  233. jenny the bloggess, if you tried to get together with charlie red then there might be some kind of statutory rape issue. because his writing styles makes him sound around 15…. so please rethink those future moves : )

  234. Do you actually read comment #2223? Even if you don’t, I have to tell you how giddy I am with excitement knowing that next year on our 15th wedding anniversary, there will be some serious chicken fun in this coop. I <3 you. And Beyonce. (the brightly colored metal one) (though I will get up and shake my groove thing to "All the Single Ladies" if it's on) (Even if I do dance like the queen of Wonder Bread)

  236. OMG! You are hilarious! My husband better watch out, or he’ll end up with a chicken, too! Chickens are hilarious. I love that you named it Beyonce. I’m sure this is nothing you haven’t heard before in all these comments, but I LOVE it.

  237. “Knock Knock, motherfucker!” This is quite possibly the best line ever said by anyone! Thank you for making me laugh outloud, twice!

  239. My wife and I own a 5 foot metal chicken as well. Birds love to nest in it. It is a litmus test for assholes. If people like it well chances are I like them if not chances are they are uptight dicks. We live on the main drag of a small town and people say that they feel they are home when they pass it at night (we keep seasonal lights on it year round, not just for x-mas anymore). Cracks me up the people that get pissed about it. We’ve had ours for about 5 years(paid full price). I think I got it for our anniversary too. We are now saving up for an 8 foot T-Rex same sort of construction. If you don’t like it, pay my taxes!

  240. Wow. So basically your marriage is all about disrespect for your husband. You do things purposefully, that you know will make him angry simply for the benefit of making him angry. What a wonderful wife you are. Don’t be surprised when he tells you to take your chicken AND your pink beach towels and GTFO.

  243. First of all: 2230 comments????? Now THAT is impressive!!!!! A friend sent me over here to your blog and as soon as I wipe the tears of laughter offf my face so I can see, maybe I will type better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are one funny lady! Thanks for the GREAT laugh. As for Victor, he will mellow. I ahve been married for 43 years and they do….mellow. I love Beyonce!!!!!!!! XO, Pinky

  245. This is now my litmus test for new relationships. If a guy doesn’t find this blog entry funny, then he’s not date material. I’m happy to say that my current boyfriend was doubled over laughing from this last night. His favorite part was the fact that Beyonce’ was in front of Victor’s ONLY window. He may be a keeper.

  246. Holy crap…step away from the internet for a week and miss a chicken shit storm. Beyonce is really bringing out everyone’s relationship baggage. I’m thinking you could make a fortune selling your Big Chicken Interpersonal Evaluation (patent pending) to family therapists. Or matchmakers. It would definitely screen out the undesirables. Just be grateful the hostiles didn’t stumble upon your parenting column.

  248. So your husband told you to stop wasting money and your response was to waste money in the most spectacular fashion possible? Good plan. Having zero resect for your spouse is always a winner. I wonder if Victor and his mistress ever have a laugh at your expense. I shall look for that blog.

  250. I think you need to post your address so eveyone can send you & Victor towels as an anniversary gift rom all over the world………we can all address them to Victor and he can have more towels then he knows what to do with!!! NOW THAT IS A LASTNG LAUGH WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE CHICKEN AND THE MAIL FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

  251. You could always bring the chicken to South Carolina. They have big gamecock fans here…>>LOL

  252. Excellent column. I don’t even think this is your best stuff and I wonder why now the increase in traffic. You must have hit the critical point – well done.

    Unfortunately many don’t get your humor and I admire the way you handle criticism, at least publicly. Of course you may have to your father take away your mother’s internet access again.

    And for those critical of Victor – he is the straight guy in her/their comedy routine. The George to her Gracie, the Abbot to her Costello, but more of the Silent Bob type. That is all I have to say about that.

  253. I’d like to order these chickens for every WAmu exec and his wife that were a party to the company’s demise. These are to be put where the sun don’t shine! Let’s see how that chicken scratches ! Might be good company if they end up behind bars!

  254. I came over because Jay said you were awesome. She was right, you so are!! This is fucking hilarious!! I about pissed myself laughing. I need a 5 ft chicken, it would piss my husband off. Maybe I’ll get one for our 5 yr anniversary and tell him it’s his present too. LMFAO! Your newest follower too, btw :o)

  255. Okay, that is the funniest damn thing I have seen in weeks! Saw the link on my friend’s facebook wall and had to check it out. I am COMPLETELY getting my husband a huge metal chicken for our anniversary now. Trip to Vegas? No? Why? Vegas comes and goes in a weekend, but a huge metal chicken is FOREVER! HA!

  256. I saw the chicken at HEB this weekend and freaked out as if I had seen a celebrity.

  257. About 10 years ago I bought a gold metal Knight in Shining Armour for about the same price that you paid for your chicken. I cut myself on him 4 times just carrying him to the car. Sharp edged bastard. His name is George and he sleeps with me. Not in my bed, he’s too sharp.

  258. That’s the funniest f*^@ing story I’ve think I’ve ever read. I laughed until I cried and was actually banging my hand on the desk.

  259. I’ve come back to read this several time and posted a link to it on my blog. I wasn’t going to leave a comment, but I just had to tell you, after reading some of these comments that there is a good Brene’ Brown quote that might be of use to you: “Don’t try to win over the haters. You’re not the Jackass Whisperer.”

  260. I read this and chuckled … then read again and laughed until my eyes watered. I’m going on 20 years of marriage and could totally relate.

  261. You deserve the divorce coming your way. Every chick here who says “I’d like to piss off my husband” will be divorced and having to make their own money for once after he finally finds his balls and dumps you.

  263. Obviously the giant chicken – (actually, to be fair, it appears to be a giant rooster) has brought joy to more than just you and your friend. This big fellow is sure to bring joy to you and everyone who see’s it for years to come! Had I seen it, I would have bought himself. Did you know there’s a band named “Big uh… Rooster?” Substitute the other name for rooster there). If you love big 80’s hair bands, you will love them!

  265. Seriously laughed until I cried, and stopped breathing briefly. All better now, but my 75 year old German mother-in-law is super jealous and wants a Beyonce of her own for her yard. Now I have to scour the world for a damn chicken for her. I’ll get one for me too… and leave it on doorsteps. Maybe we can start a chicken movement for world peace, or manure or something?

  266. Could be worse. I got a revenge kitten once and it lived for 16 years. And she snarled and scratched at everyone but me until the day she died.

    How good does it feel to know there are thousands of women who just want to have coffee with you, and maybe go shopping once in while? For chickens. Thanks for the laughs!

  268. You should make a video of this one. You could win an Academy Award in the short films category for it.

  270. Sooo to prove your husband wrong for not wanting you to buy towels, which I am sure you _wanted_ not _needed_ you went out and spent money on a giant metal rooster, that you didn’t need. What point does this prove, except cementing to your husband that you’re irresponsible with money.

    I think your husband is the victor in this, not you. All you’ve done is further perpetuate the stereotype of women as over emotional wackjobs with no common sense.

    “Don’t want me to spend $40 – 50 or whatever on new towels, I’ll show you by spending $100 on a giant metal chicken that serves 0 purpose!! HA HA, I showed you” Yeah, you really showed him honey.

  271. I should have bought my ex one since that will be only one she will get .

  272. I don’t know what made me click on my friend’s FB to view this site, but I have already been through 3 kleenex laffing and crying and pounding the desk trying to breathe.
    I have seen cocks that had to be pumped up, ones you injected, but I have never seen one this BIG nor this colorful! I shall treasure this link as I pass it on to all my friends. Thank you for the best read in ages!

  273. That was freaking hysterical. I love your “I’ll show you” attitude… If he hadn’t made the towels a forbidden purchase, Beyonce might never have come home with you. Maybe…

  274. You are so fabulous and my sons thought it amazing- right up this mom’s alley- do you live in Ohio btw- I would by him off you to put outside my chcekn coop tp scare the stupid rooster that drives me nuts and yes my husband woud be like yours but he would get even! That’s why i love him so!

  275. That is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time..the chicken at the front door..the caption just threw it over the top. Perfect. I’m showing this to my husband, so he’ll appreciate the fact that I haven’t done this..yet.

  276. I have a caption for the pic of you holding Beyonce…Cockadoodledoo, any cock will do!

  278. Can I please not write my blog today and just repost this one? I’d change the names, of course, and photoshop my face standing next to the chicken. This was hilarious. I want a five foot chicken for my five foot square studio apartment. And one to scare away snakes (and men with no sense of humor).

  282. Bloggess, I want to build a 5-foot chicken for my GF. Noticing you posted #1 & #6 pictures… you are obviously holding out on on your CHICKEN PICS! Can you post others so I can build to spec?! I have no imagination- THX!

  283. You don’t need new towels, or a 5′ tall metal chicken. You need a divorce. Victor is a petulant jackass. If new towels make you happy, get the towels. Threatening to strangle you? Storming off and slamming his office door? He’s a toddler having a tantrum. Ditch the jackass. Get new towels. And name the chicken Victor.

  284. That is totally awesome and Hilarious!!!!! I love it and need a big chicken of my own!!!! hahahhahahah

  285. My husband and I agree that this story is HILARIOUS and that that chicken is totally worth a hundred bucks. I first read this post while sitting in the middle of a mind-numbingly boring teacher workshop and had to stop reading halfway through because there was no way that anyone was going to believe that I was actually paying attention to the presentation if I started giggling hysterically.

    As for the critics…dudes, maybe your marriages fell apart because you have no sense of humor? Or because you’re stone-age misogynists–love the whole assumption that women must always be spending their HUSBAND’s money, not their own.

  287. Hey Sweetie!

    I have two! Unfortunately, mine are only a foot and a half tall and my real live chickens love to hang out with them in front of the bird feeders! Thanks for the laugh!

    By the way, please tell me the UPS guy didn’t deliver towels to you from your husband for your anniversary!

  288. If I were Victor, I would be shagging the hell out of Laura, right after you pulled some idiot move like that. Basically, sharing the “cock” if you will……. then I would mount ” Beyoncé ” over the fireplace, and have a family reunion (your side). Which I would go into great detail (especially with your grandmother….assuming you have one that hasn’t died of embarrassment yet) as to your blatant ignorce to a dollar well spent and a dollar earned. Im sure you are unemployed (or have some BS part-time job) so you can feel somewhat worthy. I only assume that you’re the typical user of men, because of your vagina (which I am sure is getting old to Victor, especially when you act like this). Victor obviously has a good job and works hard to earn the money you don’t appriciate. Hopefully, he banged-the-hell out of some sweet 18 Year old, which, he probably did because you’re too ignorant to give him the respect he deserves. So, good on Him for getting the last laugh ……PS —- this is why you think he’s such a “good sport” about your towels…….you’d be wise to “pick your arguments better”. Chicks….all the same……..LMFAO!

  289. That is awesome. I’d have totally bought a $100 giant metal chicken. And I love that your main motivation was annoying Victor. Guess he won’t threaten you over towels anymore, will he?

  290. Loved this post so much I shared it with all my friends and a few coworkers. Was rewarded today with a little metal chicken surprise on my laptop when I came back from lunch. He had a post it note that said “Knock Knock” – awesome!

  291. Hil-fucking-arious!!!! “Knock knock, motherfucker” nearly made me choke!!! Thanks for the laughs ~ you rock!!!

  293. Add to bucket list “1x 5ft Metal Chicken” to torment husband!!
    Gotta love it!!!

  294. OMG..I have been married 10 years and you have just.set.the.bar! LOVE IT! I read it to my husband …while cracking up…and he just shook his head. But he best prepare! 15 years…GIANT CHICKEN…BOOYAH!

  295. Oh. MY. GAWWWWWWWD.
    I said OK and went to watch TV…
    Love that beyonce is peering in – he/she is precious –
    LOVE the SCENE in the story…
    Oh no! The chicken has a shiv!

    I. Will. Stalk. You. Now.
    Be. Afraid. *winks*

  296. I thought I was going to pass out from my lack of being able to breathe. Why was I unable to breathe? Because I was laughing so hard!!! There is nothing quite like a 5-foot metal chicken sitting at your front door. Seriously, I think I’ll be giggling about that on my way to bed. A 5-foot metal chicken…BA HA HA HA!

    Jen

  297. Joe needs to know this chick (Grandma) has made her own money since she was 16. Been married for almost 30 years. Has a husband who does not find humor in this blog , any more than when the kids tell him to dust off his money when he opens his wallet. But just like our parents (God willing) will be married till the day one of us dies. For one reason I did not marry a jerk like Joe. I’m sure Joe will end up alone if anyone he hooks up with can chew their own leg off to get away from him. Pretty sure there would have to be chains involved for him to have someone around in the first place.

  299. I love this entry — I burst out laughing at everything you write– I wish that you had a picture of Victor staring at the metal chicken!!

    R-

  301. Wet my pants laughing and after I cleaned up I sent this to Amy (*my* Laura). You are one funny chick (pun intended) and I want to be your friend. 🙂

  303. This is too, too funny. My daughter-in-law sent this to me because they bought us one of these chickens a couple of years ago. This year for Father’s day we got my husband a 5 ft. Pink Flamingo because apparently we had to have it to honor our trailer trash status. There is a store west of Abiline that we passed yesterday that had 4 chickens about 8-10 feet tall. I wanted to stop so bad.

  304. you don’t need me to tell you this, but this if F-ing awesomely funny. I’m in awe. That is all. #winning

  306. Oh dear god this was funny. It is my first time here and took me 4 days to make it through the post and all (currently 2266) posts. SO freaking funny, I can’t wait to go read more posts. I shared with my husband and he A) also thought it was hilarious B) keeps saying “knock knock motherfucker” and C) wants one of those chickens, as do I (Also need to agree with the poster who said it IS a chicken, a chicken is a chicken is a chicken. Chicken is not gender specific, all chickens are chickens, females are hens, males are roosters/cocks. So, although he has a decidedly feminine name, Beyonce is, in fact, both rooster/cock and chicken).

    As for the naysayers.

    #1 lighten up, this is a comedy site, most likely the story has been fabricated or at least embellished for comedic purposes

    #2 WTF? “HIS” money? Who said? First off she never said the argument regarding towels was because they couldn’t afford new towels and secondly how the hell do YOU know who earned said money? Like you haven’t blown a certain amount of money on something silly? Do you know how much money they have? I don’t. For all we know they are millionaires and wipe their asses with hundred dollar bills and therefore this $100 wouldn’t even blip their budget, let alone hurt it. Can *I* afford to piss away $100? Sometimes but not often. Totally not relevant to whether or not they can. Doesn’t mean I have to hate on someone who can. I’m HAPPY there are people who can afford to buy stupid shit that makes them happy.

    #3 SHE thought it was funny, HE thought it was funny (later) and she had his blessing to write the post, post it and is supportive of her in general so obviously they are doing something right. I hope your relationship is as stable. Just because you and your spouse don’t have the same relationship as Jen and Victor doesn’t mean it isn’t working out very well for them. It’s not the same as ours and the above situation wouldn’t have gone on as it did in our house either but if it works for them who the hell are you to be pissy about it?

    #4 If you are going to take the story literally and with no sense of humor, why is Jen the only one getting shit on here? Hell Victor threatened to kill her if she bought a towel and she’s the only bad guy in the story? Hell I’d much rather a 5 foot “fuck you” chicken response to being threatened bodily harm if I didn’t follow orders.

    Going to go read more posts now…

  307. I laughed to hard I cried while reading this outloud to my husband. I have an intense facination with giant chickens ever since I was a kid. The little town I grew up in had a restaurant right in the middle of it called The Burger Den/Dairy Dip… and on top was… you guessed it… I giant chicken!!! I was an adult, married with children but CRIED the day they took that chicken down. I even made my kids stand in the rain to take a photo with a giant chicken on the side of the road in Cave City Kentucky..so I would sooooo be buying a 5ft chicken! And I would position it to stare over the fence at my neighbor… that is so stiff she could use a some cock in her life to lighten her mood!

  308. Since I read this post two days ago I’ve seen no less than TWO other 5 foot chickens. So glad I found this first.

  309. I had the worst day. Then i come home and found your blog. Your chicken made my day. You are now my favorite person ever.

  310. OMG, I literally was laughing out loud while reading this. My coworkers probably thought I was nuts. Excellent writing! =)

  311. Oh and also, after I got sidetracked from laundry by reading these posts, my husband very carefully asked me if I was going to do anymore laundry because he needed work shirts washed (and before anyone gets there panties in a wad, laundry has been our sole area of contention in our marriage – in that I want to be the only one to do laundry, however I am forgetful and easily distracted so sometimes it builds up before I remember to do it – or finish it. It has taken me a good long while to convince him to remind me or request I do laundry rather than doing it himself). I jumped to and thanked him for reminding me. I then added “Just don’t word it ‘Hey dumb bitch go do the laundry’ or you will get a 5′ chicken for your trouble”. He laughed and walked away muttering “Knock knock motherfucker” hehe. Excuse me, need to go move clothes into the dryer…

  312. I’m sure that’s a hysterical story to share at your book club meetings, and the self-esteem boost from all these clucking hens (pun intended) likely substantial… but your just going to have to take it in stride when ‘Victor’ divorces you and burns your cloths.

    All men have their limit, and mine is WAY below wasting $200 on a tin chicken.

  313. You should rent him out to women for their anniversarys!!
    Every girl would die for a 5′ cock!

    Imagine the envy of the men in the neighborhood?

    And, how can we get him to my house?

  315. Great read, but the pictures suggest that you unknowingly purchased a 5 foot rooster. Yep, the crest on it;s head, and the swooping of the tail suggests it is a male chicken…

  316. This. Is. Awesome.

    I laughed my ass off the entire time I was reading this article, and then my husband told me that I’m an idiot.

  318. That is one AWESOME cock! This is the funniest thing Ive seen in a long, long time. Thank you! (BTW, my fiance and I have the towel discussion quite a bit as well.)

  321. Your sarcasm is hilarious! I think i’d like to hang out with you and your friend Laura when I get in a fight with my “victor” 🙂

  322. I am here absolutely dyin’ – laughed so hard my sides hurt and I’m still trying to catch my breath. I am SO copying the link to send to my friends. Just unbelievably hilarious.

    YOU ROCK. lol

  325. I’ve just seen your blog for the first time…the metal chicken.

    This has got to be the funniest, yet most sensible thing I’ve read in years. I want a chicken of my own. A five foot one. He can be the big brother to Gustov, our hand carved, jointed chicken and his chicken friends, Woody (also a carved chicken) and Pudge.

    I’m a songwriter….and I love good writing. You, madam, are brilliant. I’ll be visiting your blog again. And again. And again.

  327. My hubby has decided he needs to make some of these chickens and sell them, as you’ve created quite the demand and there’s no Home Goods here in my part of Florida. Thanks for giving him the inspiration!

    Also, he and my 15yo son totally got it, loved it and laughed out loud while I read the post to them (twice, ’cause I was laughing so hard the first time). And they also totally get that money in a family belongs to the whole family… which is good for them, ’cause I’m the sole wage-earner in our family right now, even without a Y chromosome.

    To the hater who keeps posting under different names (and to his li’l buddy whom he has obviously recruited to post more and nastier comments), that Y-chromosome thing? That means I’m a woman. A woman who supports her family by paying all the bills. Guess what? The days when men were the sole source of income in a family? They ended long before you were born (sometime between 1960 and 1980, I’d hazard) and most women today don’t need men to subsidize (that means “pay for”) their lives. And no, before your twisted and misogynistic minds go there, these women are not “lesbos” or “manhaters”. As for making a decent enough living to allow you to afford to spend $100 on whimsy, good luck. Based on your lack of ability to type and spell (as demonstrated in your redundant comments above), you will need it. I won’t even try to guess about the state of your love life, although your comments tell a pretty depressing story of anger, bitterness, immaturity, intolerance and a frustrated need to dominate some quiet little lady who “knows her place.” Yeah, um, good luck with that, too.

    —-
    Love you, Jenny, and Victor. Hope your vacation has rocked.

  328. Apparently Nate and Joe don’t know what humor and sarcasm are all about.

    Rock on Jenny!

  329. I think Beyonce’ and Victor need to read “The Hoboken Chicken Emergency” by Daniel Pinkwater. Beyonce’ so s/he doesn’t get a complex about being an unloved giant chicken. And Victor because it will help put the whole towel v. chicken thing into even better perspective.

  330. Oh and commenter #296, charlie Red, knows even less about sarcasm, yet calls himself a hipster. wow. and he posted about this post, but disallowed comments. How’s that for understanding humor?

  331. Thanks for the huge laugh!!! My son has cancer and is going thru his second stem cell transplant. I needed a laugh right now!

  332. God I just snorted my yogurt! I’m glad you and my sister are not acquainted. She gave me bronzed rhino poop on a plaque one year for my birthday with the inscription “You’re #2” and that’s not even skimming the surface.

  333. Victor. You are a lucky man. Plus, they always say the crazy chicks are the best in bed. Count your lucky start Victor. And I will count mine, for finding this blog. I just feel so pleased now, knowoing there are people like The Bloggess out in the wide world.

  334. OMFG!!!! SSSOOOOO funny!!!! Poor Victor but Well Done you!!! Why aren’t I this interesting? First time I’ve seen your blog (via a FB post from a friend) but will deffo look out for you <3

  335. Damn, girl, the responses are almost as good as your post. lmao

    For the haters – you’ve got some choices available to you on the Internet for an unlimited time!

    – Take a seat in the STFU Cafe, and have a cup of sarcasm with a piece of pie. It won’t kill you. Though, the waitress might, and perhaps her newfound fans.
    – Find a fire hydrant and do some deep knee bends on it. And for a limited time, you can have some battery acid thrown in for lube!

    Call now! – Operators are standing by…

  337. My friend just found her own Beyonce….and yes paid the $200 for her. Worth every penny. This has made mine and several of my friend’s week! Thanks!!!!

  339. I went to Home Goods this weekend with my daughter. Our Home Goods had 3 metal chickens about 3 feet high that seem to have been from the same collection. I started laughing so hard that other shoppers looked at me askance. My daughter too.

  340. I am wiping the streaming tears from my face. That is the absolute most fantastic post I’ve ever read. Ever. First place. Blue Ribbon. Thank you so much for making my day. I feel like now I cannot live without a 5′ metal creature. Probably not a chicken, though. You’ve done that — and done it far better than anyone else ever could.

  341. Unlike most of the ladies here, I’m unimpressed, and think your husband don’t deserve this ill-conceived attempt to be cute. I think I’m more bothered by the $100 pricetag than anything, if you did this with something $10, I think it’d be completely different.

  342. I think your awesome for doing it. I have one “those” kind of husbands but it’s sooo nice to hear that husbands like THAT happen everywhere. Your blog is awesome! KUDOS!

    Suzanne (Texas, mother of 4 and step mom to 2) That’s right, 6 total! (14 my boy, 11 my girl, 10 my boy, 8 my girl, 8 his girl, 5 his son) Enjoy life….and thanks for sharing and making me smile..;-)

    Suzanne Ochoa

  343. Okay a link to this post was forwarded to me by a work colleague and as usual I’m laughing out loud reading Jenny’s blog. I will make a note to self that the traditional gift for a 15th wedding anniversary is a 5′ metal chicken complete with two logs to stabilize the feet so she doesn’t tip over and fall on my front door.

  345. I feel sorry for Victor. [Note: we didn’t hear his side of the towel issue – maybe there are so many friggin’ towels in the cupboard there’s not even room for his shaving cream]

    Anyway, you bought a big, silly, metal chicken, lugged it home and when it didn’t piss him off standing on the front door step you basically said it was revenge for opposing your towel purchase. So, you kept after him until you did piss him off. And somehow you think something’s
    wrong with Victor? The man is a saint.

    Maybe he’d stop being one of “those” husbands if you stopped turning him into one… or maybe he’ll find someone else.

  346. I forwarded this to my fiance and told him it was premarital counseling. You’re practically a therapist, Jenny. 🙂

    I think a Beyonce would be a KICKASS wedding guestbook. 😉

  349. I don’t think she did it to piss Victor off. I think it was just more of a practical joke. if a marriage doesn’t have humor and laughter, then what is the point? He made his point clear when he told her he would strangle her if she brought home another towel. Now, I’m sure that was his joke. They were just turning what WAS an argument into a joke. My husband’s comment was, “that’s just weird!”

  350. I would totally start decorating it with some other cheezy from the dollar store plastic yard stuff. And since it’s summer you should wrap a towel around the chickens neck, in case he wants to go swimming. I mean afterall, you don’t want him to be out there all alone do you?

  351. There is a restaurant less than ten blocks from where I live that has a five-foot rooster that I think is even classier because you can still read the stencils on the sides of the drums it was made from. It is one where I often took my father (birthday July 4th, 1930) to breakfast after his therapy sessions during his final months of life.

    Also, at one time I was serving people who lived behind a front door a whole lot like yours. It was guarded by a one-foot metal duck.

  356. I love the fact that when I googled “knock knock motherfucker,” this blog post is the first thing that comes up.
    Very very worth it.

  360. You are completely unbelievable. Victor must be such a saint if he has been putting up with your immature, poor stewardship of money for 15 years. Being completlely honest, I would have been more impressed with you would have acted as if you were out of diapers and resolved the issue like grown up. I am completely ashamed of your grotesque behavior. Stop breathing my air.

  361. This was my first time to read your blog & I laughed & laughed & laughed!!! LOVE IT!!!

  364. I laughed so hard when recounting this story in the car, that I almost ran into a bus. True story. Reminds me of things my husband has done in the past . . . like the time he put a fox face in my lunch. Yep, the face of a fox that he bought at some trader stand on his way to fish in the wilderness. And he put it in my lunch box with my pb&j.

  365. OMG my husband sent me this story with the subject line: “I swear this is something you and Shannon would do.” And I totally agree! This is so hilarious! “Knock, knock…” sounds JUST like Shannon! I am never ever going to stop reading this blog! Love it!

  366. I have been reading your blog religiously – okay maybe on occasion when I’m bored at work or have insomnia- for the past few years. Not knowing your chicken blog had gone viral, I saw it posted as a link on a coworker’s facebook page. I immediately commented how much cooler I thought that person was for making a practice of following your blog, but she just saw it on someone else’s page and re-posted. Way to make me look like an asshole.

    Please keep collecting totally random things and someday open up a museum of oddities.

  367. Sounds like something I would have done if I was told “absolutley not to do something”, as if I was child and not earning my own money, Garrett, you are so wrong on this one and I’m pretty sure the issue of money had nothing to do with this story, it could have been a .50 candy bar and not towels — the point is don’t order or demand those you love, maybe asking would have brought a different result but we wouldn’t have had a good laugh today.

  368. This is awesome! I was thinking of buying my husband a really great gift for our 17th, but I seriously want a chicken we can name George! “and I will hug him, and squeeze him, and name him George.” Where can I get one???

  369. New to your blog after seeing this all over Facebook. Hiiiii-larious! Well done, and I hope Beyonce finds his way into Victor’s heart. You should totally sneak him into your bed one night so when Victor rolls over, he’ll be staring right at that fabulous huge red metal head!

  370. OMG!!! That has got to be the funniest thing I have ever read! You have brightened my day 😀 I read it earlier this morning and was still laughing and thinking about it 3hrs later, so I had to come back and read it again. To those who don’t appreciate this kind of fun, pfffft! Got over yourselves and have a laugh for a change 😉 Keep up the good work, I LOVE IT!!!

  371. Having been on the receiving end of this kind of insanity for five years now, it is a testament to the hilarity of this story that I found myself laughing. If nothing else I am glad to know that some other poor bastard has to deal with that kind of cunning, witty, and often funny as hell crap. Soldier on Victor! Your are not alone! I do hope that you eventually come around to some laughs around Beyonce. Cocka-doodle-doo!

  372. Jesus. Where have you been all my life? Don’t mind that person peeping in your windows. It’s just me trying to get closer to you.

  373. Thank you!!! I needed a laugh so hard you cry moment. In this case moments.

  375. I am glad to see so many people still have a sense of humor! Nothing better than a great practical joke! My husband of 32 years went to a museum warehouse sale with me on Sunday. We are now the proud owners of a water buffalo skull! It is huge! No need to argue about it, God only knows what he would have brought home if I had said no. At least he hung it in the garage and not in the living room! I want a big chicken for my backyard but I bought towels today, they were on sale!

  378. I have no idea who y’all are, but i love you. The Great Chicken Adventure Of 2011. Love it.

  379. All I have to say is “Thank you and this wonderful chicken! You have made my day!!! This is wonderful!! I am now addicted to your blog!!!”
    Still Laughing
    Heidy

  382. OMG this was just the hilarious I needed tonight! The buying-a-5-foot-chicken conversation is totally the conversation I’d have with my best friend! Clearly what this tells me is that when our friendship grows up to 15 yrs we NEED a 5 foot metal chicken 😛 (To give people a happy, clearly.)

    Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  383. Oh, silly people. A FEMALE chicken is a HEN. a MALE chicken is a rooster.. Calling this a “chicken” is absolutely correct. Just like a female human is a woman a male human is a man. A female pig is a sow and a male pig is a boar. Loved this. I’ve done stupider things. This is awesome.

    I laughed my way through 1300+ of these comments. Saving the other 1000 for a bad day.

  385. A female CHICKEN is a HEN. A male chicken is a rooster. Calling this a “chicken” is correct, but a terrible understatement.

    A merry heart does good like a medicine. This chicken is a gift from God.

    L

  388. the rest of that chicken family lives in my woods – they move about slowly and peak out – they came to celebrate our anniversary – they are appreciated but they are coy

  389. So…I guess the point of marriage is to piss off your husband?

    Can’t wait for the divorce papers in a few years. If he sticks around with a wife who’s #1 goal is to piss him off every day, he’s a moron.

    Hope your goal was to die cold and alone, because honey, NOBODY wants a wife that continually pisses them off day after day for laughs.

  391. My fiance and I think the chicken is awesome, but he has now found true love: James Garfield. I told him, not over the bed, and he would be responsible for dusting duties. I think we have a deal. As for Beyonce, our neighbors would be SO jealous (really. you’d have to know our neighbors).

    To the haters: your homes must be bland and boring with no artwork on the walls, curtains, throw pillows, scatter rugs, knick-knacks, landscaping, etc. If you’ve spent >$100 decorating your home, shut up right now.

  392. I LOVED IT, specially since my last name, Gallo, means rooster in English, LOVE YOUR BLOG!

    and laughed so hard I almost went cook a doodle doo!

    GREAT GREAT

  394. This was pure genius! I love the this story and it was very well told! I was rolling on the floor laughing, but trying to control it because I didn’t want to wake my sleeping daughter! 🙂

  395. So funny! I want a chicken now!! We use to have a giant dinosaur that we would put on friends porches if they were having a birthday…. a chicken to “brighten up a bad day” would be classic! I WISH I WAS IN YOUR WEB OF FRIENDS!!!

    And I agree…. pick your battles Victor… you will rarely win them so you have to make them count! lol
    Thanks for the laugh!

  396. You have to be the best wife ever, except I am pretty sure what you bought was a cock and not a chicken. Maybe that’s why he was so pissed off.

  397. Ha ha!! I hope Beyonce and Victor are becoming good friends (and just think, he’ll have someone watching over him while he works in his office!).

    Hilarious prank – I’m glad you shared it. 😀

  398. I think Victor is cool for putting up with this bull shit and still loving you. Rock on, Beyonce!

  399. I’m sure nobody is gonna read this 2000+ comment–but truly, this is hilarious and brilliant all at the same time! Love how you connect this prank to ‘picking my battles better’–deep concept that there is 😉

  400. I’m standing in line ordering Pad Thai Chicken, on my lunch, on a very busy day and feeling burnt-out. I had to laugh out loud in front of everyone. I think you are hilarious. Thank you! I feel much better now.

  402. Hilarious! Funniest thing I’ve read in a long time (and should be required reading for all engaged couples)

  403. I’ve been reading your blog for a couple years now and I’ve never seen such idiotic reactions to one of your stories. If they think spending $100 on this is some vile, marriage destroying, economy crashing atrocity, I would love to see their take on the rest of the Victor stories.

    “You’re a horrible person, Jenny, for having a sense of humor and sharing it with your friends and loved ones. Being a blogger MUST mean that you have zero dollars that you earned yourself so you basically just starved 83 homeless blind children by buying that chicken. It’s a miracle that Victor doesn’t plunge a sword into his own chest after beheading you. ONE HUNDRED DOLLARSS!!!!one!!!”

  406. My sister has been going through a stressful time in her life and this post made her laugh so hard it brought her to tears. As soon as I walked in the door for a visit, she told me she HAD to read me this post. I have seen it shared on facebook several times by people who couldn’t stop laughing. Thanks for making us laugh. Oh and I have heard that you know you have reached success when you get negative comments. Not everyone will agree with you, but isn’t it interesting that they still took the time to read it and to comment? 🙂

  407. I have seen – and coveted – these roosters. Leaving them on doorsteps is brilliant. I NEED ONE FOR $100, WTF WORLD?!

  409. ohmahgod! I want that Chicken! I want that chicken in my house! Or in my front yard to REALLY piss off my neighbors. There are so many things I would love to do with that chicken. Thank you for allowing me to pee my pants from laughter right here at work.

  411. I don’t even read blogs…but yours came up for some reason on my news feed. Anyway…I frikkin love it! You remind me so much of my girlfriends, that I just couldn’t stop laughing. Keep up the shenanigans…it’s good for your partner!

  412. Laughed so hard, I needed my inhaler. Truly. Kicks the (chicken) shit outta out my rubber chicken story from 1977 at the Roseland Ballroom. Beyonce could be the next Travelocity Gnome. Imagine the clothing line…

  414. LOVE the post.
    As an offer of fellow blogger friendship, Society Finch would like to send you (via UPS obvi.) a beautiful rhinestone body suit and matching chrome helmut to keep Beyone not only stylish, but safe from the elements. We also wanted to send you a three legged dog we found in an alley, which we appropriately named Jay-Z, but apparently th

  415. Amaze-balls post!
    As an offer of fellow blogger friendship, Jenn and I will be sending (via UPS obvi.) an elegant rhinestone and bullet bodysuit to keep Beyone not only stylish, but safe from the elements. We were also planning on sending you a three legged dog we found in an alley last week, (which we appropriately named Jay-Z) but he wouldn’t fit in the envelope, and we couldn’t afford a bigger box. (The bodysuit was kinda pricey… )
    http://nicjennsocietyfinch.wordpress.com/

  416. This is the funniest thing I have read since Wiley Coyote vs. Acme! I laughed til tears streamed down my face. I so needed that! You are my Queen and I bow to you, o greatest of bloggers!

  418. Interesting to see how all the ladies applaud the effort and the guys hate it.

    I can see both sides. If it were a guy-focused blog, the dudes would be pouring in congratulating the guy for doing something hilarious and that “tightwad” wife should loosen up. But, it’s for the ladies. This is their version. The writing is indeed very good and the act itself reminds me of a gonzo-journalism Hunter Thompson type thing. Very entertaining.

    My only objection as Victor would be that my wife made me look like a jerk on a very popular blog. Not much self-deprecation so much as Victor deprecation. It’s ok to make you both look like idiots, not so much to do so to your spouse alone. How would you ladies respond if a guy wrote this same post? Be HONEST.

  419. THis is pure garbage! I want the 5 minutes I spent reading this back! What a bunch of horse shit!

  421. So my husband did not understand why I am laughing hysterically and crying over this. He read it and looked at the picture and just gave me that smile and nod that you give to crazy people. Our anniversary is next month, I might just have to find him a big metal chicken.

  422. LOOOOOVE IT! and i’m glad to know that i’m not the only one that calls my husband an asshole with such endearment. i’m “nesting” right now (about to have a baby) and hubby constantly tells me no to everything i NEED to do, so i’ve sent him the link to this story. hopefully he’ll get the picture, before other random purchases happen. LOOOVE IT.

  424. Got this from a girl friend – laughed ’til i hurt myself – then sent it on to my daughter. I read it aloud to my husband (thought he would find the same name a nice coincidence) … he just did NOT get it! I am headed out now to go buy some “towels.” Thanks for the laughter you added to my day.

  425. You know what you need now? Another 5-foot chicken holding a basket full of new towels.

  427. THank you giant chicken! For anyone who lived in the Atlanta area in the 70’s a giant chicken is over 20 feet tall! LOL Oh Beyonce, you are to die for…

  428. Kudos to you girl! I was tearing in laughter! I would have done the same thing if i encountered a 5 ft chicken!

  429. My, SUCH a lucky girl! What a large cock u r holding!
    Beyonce neeeds to come into the master bedroom….

  430. This is funny for about 30 seconds. Then it’s dumb. The dumb outlasts the funny.

  433. And people wonder why I’m not married. Oh god, the thought of being married to someone like you, I’d rather just die. May God strike me down with a bolt of lightning if I ever get married.

  434. SAD really sad for all concerned. Perhaps a conversation about budget was the more important issue missed here. When one partner is working against the other, i.e. always spending on wants rather than needs, it causes friction. Ultimately the partnership fails. This applies to marriage or business. You can still love someone but can’t be with them any longer because they drain the other person of energy, money, and ultimately any good feelings for them.

  435. I hope he divorces you. Your husband that is… you deserve the chicken.

  436. We still have the giant chicken in Atlanta. It’s 10 minutes from my house in Marietta, Georgia. It’s a KFC. 🙂

  437. Have read this twice laughing my ass off both times. Needed that, thank you. This is totally my husband and I. Except I am not that light hearted. So, now begins my metal chicken marriage days. We are so going to rock it for now on. Thank you.

  438. I laughed in spite of myself here. I would have laughed my ass off if my girlfriend did that to me. But I also sympathize with Victor … he must be a saint.

  440. HYSTERICAL, is not even the word to describe the state I was just in. It’s almost midnight as I type here, and I woke my husband up on the other side of the house, laughing so hard – he thought he was crying, and came running! The photo of the chicken at the door, and then reading the tag line….Well…that SERIOUSLY did-me-in!! I’m not sure if I have ever laughed so hard.

  442. You have started a trend. My niece’s fiance went out and bought her a metal chicken (he is only about 2 feet tall) and left it on her door step. They named him Jay-Z. They get married on Saturday. Metal chickens are gifts of love.
    I added the link of Jay-Z in the website space…hope you can see him.

  443. LOL – tears streaming down my face – gufawing with the windows open and the neighbors can hear me funny. You can bring a cock like that you my house any day of the week.

  445. That was supposed to say “you can bring a cock like that to my house any day of the week”!

  447. I loved the story, it was rather hilarious.. but I feel pity for the poor Victor! poor chap he has been trying to help you guys with saving money!!!

  448. OMG!! Well my husband said I cant get another purse bc i got one 2yrs ago!! Well I guess I shall borrow your chicken for next weeks wedding anniversary!!

  450. OMG!! The best!!! I especially loved Beyonce’ colors… “Ding dong’ Happy anniversary motherfuckER!!! The best line ever!!! STILL LAUGHING!!!

  451. I can tell you all are city girls!! That is not a CHICKEN–that dear friends is a ROOSTER!! As in the male variety.

  452. God, this post made me want to write a new one for my blog, which I haven’t touched in over a year and consists mainly of me bitching about how people drive and have generally sucky behavior. Then, it made me wish that I actually had a life this interesting and could write this well. Of course, all of that was after I’d read this to myself, via a friend’s post on FB, and enjoyed hysterical, laughter-induced breathing difficulties and tears streaming down my face. Then I read it to my daughter and enjoyed the same hysterical fit with her and finally once more to my 16-year-old son, who not only appreciated Beyonce far more than Victor ever will, but joined me in my third round of hysteria.

    Thanks, Jenny! Is it wrong of me to appreciate your insomnia? I think my Dad needs one of these chickens. Did they have more? It would look so good next to his metal windmill painted in our high school team’s colors. Naturally, we’d have to paint our Beyonce silver, red and columbian blue as well … hmmmmmmmm.

  454. Dear Patsy, (Post 2443)

    From one country girl to another, you need a little city in your life. Art is subjective, even chicken art. Beyonce is totally a girl chicken and not a rooster. She’s just a lesbian girl chicken wearing a rooster outfit.

  456. Ok, I really really NEED this chicken. Where can I get one!? I googled 5 foot metal chicken and of course i get 50,000 links to you. 🙂 Where oh where are those chickens! Oh.. and Knock Knock Mother Fucker is now the office credo. ha!

  457. My youngest daughter sent me your link and said, “She’s like YOU, Mom!” LOL! You are my long lost sister. Carry on!!

  458. I am still laughing at the idea of a man getting a 5 foot cock for his anniversary. The inappropriate jokes I would make everytime I saw Victor, or the thought of how many things I could say about that, made this read worth while.

  459. Anyone else feeling the urgent need to dress as a big metal chicken and ring Jenny and Victor’s doorbell on Halloween?

  462. I am sitting in an office in Germany trying so hard not to laugh my ass off. Believe me, it’s not an easy task. But I don’t think the Germans here would get the hilarity that is Beyonce. I can’t wait to get back to Austin to find a 5 foot metal chicken of my own. You KNOW they have that shit somewhere in Austin. They have to.

  465. My husband once (once) told me, “I FORBID you to do that.” I looked him square in the face and busted out laughing. GAME ON! Knock, Knock, mother……

  469. Saw this and had to click from a FB friends link…God bless Victor for dealing with your shit! 🙂 If he was my friend, some sweet revenge would be planned and it would include live chickens(with a minimum of 1 rooster) in your bathroom, floor lined with chicken shit defiled towels, ALL of them in the house, except for 1 hidden for him :> Cockadoodledoo Motherfuckess! Go buy your fucking towels now. Hahahahaaaa! Would you like to take it one level higher to Defcon Level – Apocafuckenlypse?!? I want to read the story of the time Victor checked your crazy ass. Let me know when that one was/is written. Enjoy Beyonce’!!!

  471. Knock Knock, motherfucker had me crying laughing. Called people to tell them about it. That is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. You are one hysterical woman. Thanks for the great laugh.

  472. Thank goodness for men like Victor (don’t worry i have my own “victor” too) because where else would we find so much funny material? I have my own issues with roosters – check out the link above. Tell me are the getting popular or something?

  474. OMG. How have I never stumbled across your blog before?! I have read this about six times and it still has not lost its humor. Hilarity! I have forwarded it to the world.

    We will be BFF. I live in Houston, too, so it’s perfect!

  475. So glad to see that you are free-ranging! Makes for wonderfully tasty organic eggs. Ooops! Don’t mean to be the Egg Nazi, but …NO EGGS FOR YOU…it’s a rooster. {{sigh}}

  477. Probably the best laugh I’ve had this YEAR! Absolutely will be sharing this with everyone. Thank you!

  478. I die, I read this and was laughing out loud at work. First time ever reading your post and I sent the link to a few of my friends that share your sense of humor. Amazeballs.

  479. Excellent prank, well played. I don’t know if I’m just cheap or what. CHEEP CHEEP. But if I’m going to spend $300 on a joke that might impale me or lacerate an artery well, I want that dag thing to stand up on its own. I don’t want to have to weight it down with wood or have to prop it. C’mon, helloooooo, design flaw. I can’t explain how my brain works, but that keeps coming to mind.

  482. My parents *ACTUALLY HAVE ONE OF THESE CHICKENS*, except it’s a version handmade by a local metalcraft artist. (The same artist also makes giant metal flowers, which I have installed onto my porch in hopes of overwhelming the UPS delivery guy with heroin-grade whimsey.)

    I’m still in shock that my mother — who is obsessed with her garden — gave my father permission to obtain a four-foot-tall rusty metal chicken and put it in her garden and has allowed it to remain there for about four years thus far.

  483. best. post. ever. i seriously peed my pants – well, almost – you should find a giant metal egg to go with her.

  484. So, I was momentarily despondent because the 15th anniversary of my marriage was Christmas Eve, 2002. I had missed the boat, because whatever gifts were exchanged were obviously NOT memorable. But then, the joyous realization that our 30th is coming up in 2017. And I think the traditional gift for that momentous occasion must be TWO big metal chickens!

  485. This is the best thing I have read in a long time. Thank you for your adventure!

  486. OMG I seriously need at least 2 or 3 of those, where can I find some?

  488. this is hilarious. i think i found a new favorite blog that i can read while im pretending not to waste time at work. that’s what they get for making me sit in front a computer with internet all day…

  489. OMG– I think we might be mischeif soul mates. I *heart* everything about this little learning experience.

  490. Please tell me I am not the only person who cannot stop telling people, “this chicken will CUT you!”

    The whole post was hysterical – thanks, Jenny!

  492. This is too funny! I want that chicken! Place it at my ex-husbands place. HeeHee

  495. If I brought that chicken home to my husband, he’d try to put her on my side of the bed and tell me that he had moved on…

    and then he’d get tetanus.

    Again, worth the $100.00.