This morning I had a fight with Victor about towels. I can’t tell you the details because it wasn’t interesting enough to document at the time, but it was basically me telling Victor I needed to buy new bath towels, and Victor insisting that I NOT buy towels because I “just bought new towels“. Then I pointed out that the last towels I’d bought were hot pink beach towels, and he was all “EXACTLY” and then I hit my head against the wall for an hour.
Then Laura came to pick me up so we could go to the discount outlet together, and as Victor gave me a kiss goodbye he lovingly whispered, “You are not allowed to bring any more goddam towels in this house or I will strangle you“. And that was exactly what I was still echoing through my head an hour later, when Laura and I stopped our shopping carts and stared up in confused, silent awe at a display of enormous metal chickens, made from rusted oil drums.
Laura: I think you need one of those.
me: You’re joking, but they’re kind of horrifically awesome.
Laura: I’m not joking. We need to buy you one.
me: The 5-foot tall one was $300, marked down to $100. That’s like, $200 worth of chicken for free.
Laura: You’d be crazy not to buy that. I mean, look at it. IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY.
me: Victor’d be pissed.
me: But on the plus side? It’s not towels.
me: We will name him Henry. Or Charlie. Or O’Shannesy.
Laura: Or Beyoncé.
me: Or Beyoncé. Yes. And when our friends are sad we can leave him at their front door to cheer them up.
Laura: Exactly. It’ll be like, “You thought *yesterday* was bad? Well, now you have a enormous metal chicken to deal with. Perspective. Now you have it.”
Then we flagged down a salesman, and we were all “What can you tell us about these chickens?”, as if we were in an art gallery, and not in a store that specializes in last years’ bathmats. He didn’t know anything about them, but he said that they’d only only sold one and it was to a really drunk lady, and then Laura and I were all “SOLD. All this chicken belongs to us now.”
So he loaded it onto a trolley, but Beyoncé was surprisingly unstable, and the giant 5 foot metal chicken crashed over onto the floor. And Laura and I were all “CHICKEN DOWN! CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3” but he didn’t laugh. Then the manager came to see what was causing all the commotion, and that’s when he found the very-conservative salesman unhappily struggling to right an enthusiastically pointy chicken which was almost as tall as he was. The salesman was having a hard time, and he told everyone to stand back “because this chicken will cut you“, and at first I thought he meant it as a threat, like “That chicken has a shiv”, but turns out he just meant that all the chickens’ ends were sharp and rusty. It was awesome, and Laura and I agreed that even if we got tetanus, this chicken had already paid for himself even before we got it in her truck.
Then we got to my house and quietly snuck the chicken up to my front door, rang the doorbell, and hid around the corner.
Victor opened the door and looked at the chicken in stunned silence for about 3 seconds. Then he sighed, closed the door and walked away.
Laura: What the fuck? That’s it? That’s the only reaction we get?
me: That’s it. He’s a hard man to rattle.
Victor was surprisingly pissed that I’d “wasted money” on an enormous chicken, because apparently he couldn’t appreciate the hysterical value of a 5 foot chicken ringing the doorbell. Then I said, “Well, at least it’s not towels” and apparently that was the wrong thing to say because that’s when Victor screamed and stormed off, but I knew he was locked in his office because I could hear him punching things in there. Then I yelled through his door, “It’s an anniversary gift for you, asshole. Two whole weeks early. 15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”
Then he yelled that he wanted it gone, but I couldn’t move it myself, so instead I said okay and went to watch tv. Then when the UPS guy came I hid, but he was all “Dude. Nice chicken” and Victor yelled, “IT IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN”. Which was probably very confusing to the UPS guy, who was just trying to be polite, Victor. Victor seemed more disgruntled than usual, so I finally dragged the chicken into the backyard and wedged it into a clump of trees so that it could scare the snakes away. Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyoncé directly in front of his only window. And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.” I told him that he could move Beyoncé if he wanted to, but he totally hasn’t. Probably because of all of the giant rocks I piled on Beyonce’s feet to dissuade burglars. Or possibly because Beyoncé is growing on him. Still, I can’t help but think that we wouldn’t even be having this argument if Beyoncé was towels. Honestly, this whole chicken is really a lesson in picking your battles more carefully. Plus, he’s awesome and I can’t stop giggling every time I look at him. Beyoncé, that is.
Best. 15th anniversary. ever.
UPDATED 2012: It’s been half a year and people still continue to laugh, scream indignantly and to ask questions, so here are a few follow-ups. Victor and I are still (of course) happily married and after a few weeks he got over his giant rooster aversion. Beyonce stares at him from outside his office window. I eventually got new towels. “Knock-knock, motherfucker” is embroidered on all of them. Victor was not impressed. Beyonce-the-giant-metal-chicken now has her own Facebook page with over 30,000 highly imaginative fans, and you can buy your own travel-sized Beyonce right here for under $20. You’re welcome world. Now please stop yelling at me.
4,346 thoughts on “And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles.”
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ROFLMAO…serves him right!
THIS made me laugh my ass off! I think what’s truly important here is your tremendous sense of humor and Victor is lucky to have you keeping him on his toes…and keeping him laughing. You funny lady…LOVE Beyonce!
I hope the UPS guy was delivering a big box of towels!
Now that is what I call a gigantic cock block!
This is the funniest blog post I have ever read!
I’m still trying to think of an ‘inappropriate cock-joke’!! This is sooooo funny and reminds me of shopping with my BFF in Texas. We’ve looked very seriously at some of those BIG, metal, yard art animals and thought, “Hey, why not??”
Tears are running down my face! One because it is soooo hilarious, but mostly because it just the kind of brilliant dialogue that I only true girlfriends can share. Love it!!! Truly!
I read this for the first time the day after you posted it and giggled and laughed over it the entire day – even after I shared it with friends and family…and my husband telling me he damn well better not find a 5-foot-tall chicken on the front porch OR the back porch when he got home from work. No worries – I told him it would be in the driveway waiting for him 🙂
Absolutely love it – you have a new reader 🙂
Thanks that story reminds me of my aunt Sharon that we just lost, I needed that!
This is priceless!
I read it twice and I laughed out loud at the same part “at least its not towels” hilarious!
OMG! I have just read a woman as twisted as me. I have to do this. It’s nearly perfect in every way. Can I use Beyonce’ for my FB profile pic?
Love it! I wish that i had the same level of “whimsy” that you do!
omg I need this chicken in my life! And I need more of YOU IN MY LIFE> HILARIOUS> SImply hilarious.
actually…I wasn’t drunk, but, my blood sugar WAS dangerously low
ps…I named mine Rigoberto Von Doodledoo…yes…THE Doodledoos
You are hilarious!!! And btw, i bought the turtle and the pelican and love them! (and wasn’t drunk when purchasing them!)
I am laughing hysterically and my husband just keeps asking me why. Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!
Just wanted to thank you for the greatest Friday night we have had in a long time. My computer was passed around to five different neighborhood moms and one soon to be husband. We laughed, we cried, we peed our pants. This and a cool glass of chardonnay completed our week!
I think your chicken is a rooster. What about some male bonding here.
Thank you for this. I literally laughed until I cried. victor has quite the wife on his hands!
Thanks Jenny for making me laugh so hard! Two very different friends posted a link on Facebook, so I knew I had to read it. I re-posted the link and now all of my friends are reading it and laughing. You have a gift for humor — thanks for sharing it.
Aaaahhhh! Sometimes men get exactly what they deserve for not seeing the world from our perspective! LOL!
Fucking Hilarious. 🙂
That is one freaking great chicken!! I think I need one. The battle story is priceless! Men just don’t know what they are getting themselves into when they tell a woman NOT to do something!!
I am still laughing…OMG…too funny. You got him good!
One time there was a knock at my door and when I opened it there was a ladder standing there. Wish it had been a metal chicken. I mean, this ladder had paint splatter all over it and if it had a face, am sure it would be smirking and saying something like, “I’m in tight with Jackson Pollock.”
But it never answered my questions and, now I’m thinking, it probably only spoke Renovation, and I only know English and some Esperanto I learned during a crazy night drinking sidecars with some people. Or riding in a sidecar. Don’t remember.
Anyway, the chicken is great.
Omg. My mom collects tasteful chickens. Everytime she gets another one, my dad says, “Not another fucking chicken!”. Everytime! I think he’s given up now ;). I don’t think my mom would ever get that chicken, but I can only imagine my dad’s reaction if she were to!!! Awesome!!
I WANT THAT CHICKEN!! I LOVE THAT CHICKEN!! Where did you get it?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is one funny story. Good on you! 😀
And suddenly, sales for giant metal cocks skyrocket.
Heh. Best thing I’ve read in ages.
CRACKING ME UP!
I have laughed so phucking hard I have tears!! This is an awesome story and one I can so totally relate to! Thanks for writing it I am signing up for your adventures! Also where can I get that chicken? My anniversary is coming up and my husband wants one! hahaa Kate
I learned long ago to pick your battles. But this is good. Married 30 yrs
The best part is when Victor informed the UPS guy that the chicken is evil. That may not be what he said, but that is what I heard. Then it reminded me of the evil chicken that Peter from Family Guy got in fights with that one episode all over the city. So now I envision that Victor looks like Peter and he is running around town yelling and trying to capture a metal chicken. Good times.
Where have you been all my life? I haven’t laughed this hard in ages.
And to all the people who apparently missed the point, this is a HUMOR site. I’ve been married almost 10 years and this is exactly the kind of crazy stuff my hubs and I do to each other. It’s the reason we’re still together. If you can’t get the humor in this, you are probably not too much fun yourself.
Best. Story. Ever!
I am jealous, I need a friend for my full sized paper mache penguin that is at my door to greet people, a present from my hubby of 25 years. Life is about laughter
I am crying and choking right now…that was the funniest thing i’ve read. ever.
This chicken is ART. Victor, have you no taste?
ROFLMAO. Thank you!
Men are all alike! My husband said the same thing as yours “What a waste of money!” No humor I tell you –
I laughed really hard at this post saying to myself, “oh haha, that’s so funny, who would ever buy something like that if they weren’t drunk or making a joke?!” then i remembered that my mother has a fairly large bird sculpture made out of garden tools sitting quite un-ironically outside her front door.
as a social experiment i showed my mom a picture of your huge metal chicken without any context and now (not surprisingly) she wants one. she said its beautiful and wants to know where you got it. i wish i were lying.
Best. Blog. EVER! Seriously… thanks for the much needed laughs.
Wow, you guys need counseling. First of all, it’s ridiculous that you would need permission to buy towels, and that he would (even jokingly) threaten physical abuse if you buy them. On the other hand, I can see why you need permission to buy things because you are clearly irresponsible with money – there are people who can’t even afford to feed their children, pay their rent, etc, and you are wasting money on a tacky piece of art for the sole purpose of very childishly get back at your husband instead of communicating like adults.
I agree with whoever said sitcoms tell us this kind of thing is normal but it is not.
I seriously think my mom was the drunk lady. Dad got one of THESE for his birthday. Bet she paid full price too!!!
Holy Chicken, Batman!
I laughed until I cried and peed. I had water shooting out everywhere over that damn chicken.
So. Damn. Funny!
Victor sounds like my husband, only in Our house, it’s throw pillows. Awesome.
It’s 1967, I’m newly married and at a pottery show with some girlfriends. I saw a *turkey vulture peanut butter jar* for $25. I pictured my new husband’s choloric visage (who by the way is a ringer for Victor, even at 73), and after arguing with myself, didn’t buy it.
YOU, Jenny, are without regret and laughing your ass off (mine began falling off going into your third paragraph!!), whereas I am still filled with regret over not buying “my bird.” Please keep on writing your wonderful stories!
I LOVE that Victor looked at the chicken in “stunned silence” and just walked away! A friend sent me this link to brighten up my sucky day and it worked. Rock on.
Oh ty sooo much for the laughs; I really needed that!!! My daughter emailed the link and all she wrote was “let me know what you think”.
You know your purchase truly was logical and I would be willing to wager a bet that your hubby never says “no more …. (insert anything)” in the future.
This is my first visit here and you can bet your sweet bippy that “I’ll be backkkk”.
And in the coming years, whenever Victor gets in a snit over something silly like buying a few towels, all you have to do is lean over & whisper softly in his ear, “Knock, knock motherfucker!”
Love this! I’m studying for the bar right now, and this is the hardest I’ve laughed in four weeks! Thanks.
I’m mildly scared that you may be my clone because I nearly bought this exact same chicken, also for revenge purposes.
I just read through ALL the comments, because the insulting ones are so hilariously ignorant.
1. Who ever said it was Victor’s money?
2. What the hell ass balls is up with the “permission” thing?
3. IT’S A HUMOR BLOG, Y’ALL. Not really something that you can accurately psychoanalyse.
P.S. Congratulations on Hailey swimming!
Also, I am so intimidated by how perfect this post is that I probably have to quit my blog now.
Saw one of these yesterday in Brooklyn on sale for $1500
If only the chicken had been wrapped in new bath towels!
Totally awesome blog!!! I love it. Everyone should have a 5-foot metal chicken.
I keep giggling over “knock-knock, motherfucker.” I’d have come home with a carload of towels, but the big metal chicken was so much better.
I want to be your friend.
I laughed, I cried, I peed my pants. This story is hilarious. Your giant metal chicken really puts my ceramic hen to shame. I’m going to break it right now.
I laughed til I cried. My daughter sent me your link and then told me she could so see me doing this to her dad, of who I’ve been married to for 33 years. Best compliment ever! Thanks for a belly laugh!
That is possibly the funniest blog I have ever read. Thank you for making me and my husband laugh together!
Victor sounds like a humorless dick.
I so wish my husband would give ME enough money to buy such a chicken. But, that also assumes he would let me leave the house.
Perhaps some are not ready for the phenom known as The Bloggess. In fairness, we should give them time to catch up.
I think Nathan & Charlie Red are just mad their women can’t say they have 5ft cocks. They both have no sense of humor.
I love it! I want one for my hubby! Our 2nd anniversary is fast approaching, and I think a big metal chicken would make an excellent anniversary present! I’d sure as hell appreciate one if I got one!
Good story. Good writing
I still cannot laughing. I made my husband read it and
So. Freakin. Funny. My husband was afraid I was hyperventilating as I laughed reading it over his shoulder (when I made him sit down to read it…did I say forced him to read it). I still can’t catch my breath when I read it over and over. Thanks for sharing!
And, because I can’t resist, your retarded.
When giving directions to my parents ranch I tell people to look for the big metal chick as the landmark. Apparently there is a market for big metal chickens. Who knew?
best 15th anniversary ever? well you only have one – unless you plan on divorcing Victor sometime soon. Picking your battles carefully? If that were the case you would have realized spending money was the lesson, and you went ahead and bought a $100 piece of junk. You saved $200? More like you wasted $100. Picking your battles carefully should have been that you a) didnt react to a situation where money was involved by spending more money or b) bought towels for less than $100.
best 15th anniversary ever? well you only have one – unless you plan on divorcing Victor sometime soon. Picking your battles carefully? If that were the case you would have realized spending money was the lesson, and you went ahead and bought a $100 piece of junk. You saved $200? More like you wasted $100. Picking your battles carefully should have been that you a) didnt react to a situation where money was involved by spending more money or b) bought towels for less than $100.
My wife and I have been married 20 years. This story made us laugh. HARD!!
We figure most arguments early in a marriage are over the bigger things. Where to live, what schools to send the kids to. By the time you get to 15 or 20 years, it does come down to towels.
When I asked my wife if she would have bought a metal chicken, she replied “I would have bought the towels in a color you Hate.”
I laughed so hard, I am still crying!
You go, girl!
Your husband is a saint… mine would have killed me (not really). But that’s an awesome chicken. I was laughing so hard I had tears coming out of my eyes.
At least it’s not towels. 😀
A friend sent this to me after I’ve had 3 crappy days and I laughed so hard I cried. My husband wanted to know what I was laughing about after been depressed for so long and I read it to him, now he is worried that I liked this so much, hahahahaha he keeps saying 100 DOLLARS ON A METAL CHICKEN! hahahahahahahaha I’ll be back for more things to frighten him with, thank you for that
best laugh i’ve had in a while…and i’m still laughing! Where’s the ‘like’ button on this page?
It sounds like you and your friend like to torment your husband.
If it were me, you would not be worth the effort, and divorce is in the future.
You are the type of woman that does not appreciate her husband for anything except giving you money to waste on junk.
I feel sorry for your husband,
your my hero!
I laughed so hard I was crying!
Hey Anonymous 2046 – I have $100. You have no idea who I am or the relationship betwixt me and my husband or my personal taste. Could you PLEASE give me some marriage advice and tell me how to spend my money? Base it solely on your values and what is important to you. AND? Tell me your favorite joke, you funny bastard!!
*crickets* *crickets* *crickets*
Holy crap, I cannot stop laughing. I was already in tears over “…this chicken will cut you,” then I really lost it when I saw the picture of the chicken standing at the door.
this is hysterical! fairy wishes and butterfly kisses to you, Victor and of course your chicken
Wow … doing a “Ctrl-F” and discovering that there are 182 *cock* occurrences in this post (and the related comments) was even too much for this homo.
I laughed so hard at this I almost pee’d. I love your sense of humor.
Ok, so I’m a 54-year-old guy, and my wife and I are about to celebrate our 29th anniversary in a couple of months. I’ve also read virtually every bloggess post (and most of what Jenny posts at other sites) since sometime in 2008. I loved this post, as did my wife and our daughter. I rarely comment, and I’ve held off here, but I feel compelled to respond to some of the judgmental criticisms that have been posted. I know Jenny is managing to find humor in them, but they do rather disturb me.
I have a few problems here: First is that, regardless of however much pain many people are going through in this country right now, $100 just isn’t that much money anymore. $100 is about two tenths of one percent of the annual median household income, nationwide. This means that, for half of all households in the US, this is less than a half a day’s income. Unless someone is living well beyond their means to begin with, $100 isn’t going to make or break most families’ financial well-being. Moreover, if everyone with money stops spending, because of feelings of guilt, or fear of the future, or whatever, then the economy just never gets better. Charity is good, but jobs and a healthy economy is better. If you want to help the jobless get back on their feet, go out and spend money. Now. And yes, it really does work this way.
The second problem I have is this idea that one spouse getting pissed about one little thing is an indication that the marriage is failing or likely to fail in the future. As someone married to the same person for almost three decades, I will say with some confidence that this perspective is just pathetic. Marriage is work, and it takes constant attention and true commitment to be sucessful. I have never seen a long-standing marriage absent of conflict — at least, not one that wasn’t a little creepy. Now, I have seen marriages wherein the partners rarely allow any outward sign of conflict, but if you know them well enough for long enough, eventually the guard comes down and the disagreements and disappointments start to show through.
Perhaps this is the real “sin” that Jenny commited: Being so open as to let the world see their conflict. But trust me: Especailly if both partners are comfortable with it, this is healthy. And Jenny has been reporting these little spats with Victor (often, I expect, somewhat fictionalized) for years. If Victor had a problem with it, I very much doubt she’d still be doing this. A well-developed sense of humor is another one of those things that helps a marriage survive.
You are my hero.
I just laughed so loud that I think I woke up my kids. Funniest chicken EVER!!!!
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Your front door photo is gold. I will picture it every time I’m feeling upset. Sure cure! You rock, Sister!
think of the possibilities—–a santa hat a x-mas, tail feathers at thanksgiving, rabbit ears, and oh my a pumpkin mask !!! This is the gift that keeps on giving all year long
“And in spite of my vagina I’ve even had years when I’ve made more than him.”
I think I just tore my hymen (again) from laughing so hard.
I know some women who would argue that it was “because of” their vagina. In fact, they’re working on the street across from my apartment building right now…
I think you are pretty awesome and the kind of person I’d hand with! 🙂 For those who are giving you crap about it – they totally have NO sense of humor and it is YOUR business what you do with your money – buying 5′ chickens or giving to charity – certainly not theirs. If people can’t take a joke and laugh a little what good are they?? I thought it was awesome and the next time maybe he won’t be so opinionated and demanding in what you buy or don’t buy. Marriage is suppose to be 50/50 – most of the time anyway. If you both get along and do funny stuff like this and haven’t divorced by now or killed each other then no one has the right to say anything. I got a huge kick out of it. My husband would totally expect me to do something so random like that. He knows not to tell me to ‘not’ to do something. Simply doesn’t not work! You keep up the good work! I’m glad someone posted this on Facebook – soooo good! 🙂 Now I can go to sleep peacefully!!
This proves once again that women are capitalism’s useful idiots.
I keep coming back to this post because its hilarious. The banter between you and Victor, to me, is very comforting that there are two other sick and twisted individuals that would get a damn good laugh out of harassing the shit out of each other. I’d do that. My friends love me for it 😉
The negative comments that claim to sum up flaws in your marriage and most even say that you are headed for divorce actually shocked me. They based their assumptions on something that was meant to be funny. But, humor is the root of all evil in a marriage apparently!
The negative commenter obviously…
A) Is the epitome of perfection in all relationships. I bet they were picked first for every team, always got the girl and helps little old ladies cross the street. They are the perfect all american commenter we all wish we could be like. They are just that effin cool.
B) Does not like big cocks
C) Feels that a successful and happy marriage is based only on total obedience and void of sarcasm, banter and laughter
D) Has cock envy
E) Probably doesn’t understand the sarcasm in this comment
F) Will probably now jump to my blog and leave me an insightful negative comment on how I suck at life because I don’t whine and laugh too much.
G) All of the above
I vote for G!
Either way if a happy marriage is based on total obedience and being void of any fun, laughter, sarcasm and banter then I relish in the fact I’m a single Mom!
Okay, seriously people? You complain that Jenny wasted $100 on a chicken which she purchased because she found it full of whimsy? You claim that the issue is that she ‘wasted’ $100? Yeah? Well, go picket the BMW dealership. Stand in the chips aisle of the grocery store. Sneer at people at the mall. Go find stores selling metal chickens or pedeggs or silk men’s shirts or personalized bowling balls and yell at the managers because they are selling things that are a waste of money. A lot of people spend $100 on something YOU don’t approve. Does it hit your pocketbook? NO. It’s HER money to spend. So it’s NOYB. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS how she chooses to spend her money! People don’t have to take into account YOUR financial situation before they decide how to spend their own money. Your Mama should have taught you it don’t work that way!
The commenter who said that it’s about the haves and have-nots… well, you’re right. But it’s a fact of life that some will have more and some less than you. You only have one life so look at yourself, not others. Everywhere you look you will find those more and those less fortunate than you. Jenny works for what she has. And sometimes between the hilarious posts you will see one about how she went to the emergency room in intractable pain from her crippling arthritis. Or you will see a post about all the miscarriages she suffered. Or her battles with depression and anxiety. Her life is not all sunshine and silly shopping trips. But if she can afford $100 to spend on a yard decoration which she loves, that’s her decision. You have been given your own life with its challenges and its rewards. Don’t look at what others have and envy them. Jenny worked hard to raise that money for charity. She put in long hours matching up donors and recipients. It didn’t come free or easy to her, either. You assume far too much. Instead of deciding that she must have had an easy time raising $42,000 because you perceive her to be privileged, try to raise $4200, yourself, for charity.
For those who feel sorry for Victor, have you ever heard of the concept of a ‘straight man’ in comedic writing? That’s who Victor is. He’s the straight man. It wouldn’t be funny for her to go out and buy a metal chicken if she didn’t have him to react. If she just took it home and used it to hold the towels, we would all click away from the blog. There may be some hyperbole added to the blog for comedic effect. That’s how she sells ads, which allow her to buy wine slushies and met…. oh, never mind.
Which leads to the final point. If this blog is not your cup of tea? You know how to click away! We’re not all alike so please exercise your immense powers to redirect your browser to asseenontv.com or whatever makes you feel right at home.
Where the hell is Nancy Kappes, paralegal, when you need her? She’d tear these people a new asshole. Bless you Nancy, and R.I.P.
Wow…what a selfish bitch! I guess the next time she told Victor not to stay out too late with the guys, she would find it funny if he came home early with a crackhead on the front door.
Happy Anniversary for July 4th, we too celebrated our 15th anniversary this year (we thought it ironic to lose our independence that day). Sadly I don’t think I could top that gift for my hubby but you have given me some ideas, and some thoughts on my next shopping trip lol.
The huge chicken out the front door is so funny, but It would scare me if it was waiting at my front door lol
Laughter is what keeps the insane world from tearing us down. I’m pretty sure that theis metal chicken has earned its right to stand proud in having made many people laugh and giggle, and its just begun.
now, as a fellow resident of houston who has an annual flamingo fest duirngth e lights in THE Heights it is second SAT in December, so there is time for us to help beyonce find something fun to wear! :_) Iona McAvoy
It’s 3:31 am- I cant sleep and I just read your post.
You are seriously fucking hilarious.
I have never laughed so hard
I thought this was an absolutely HILARIOUS story!
I did not read through ALL of the comments, but I read the first couple and then the last couple …. I find it hard to believe that ANYONE took offense to this story and/or tried to give you ‘marital advice’.
I found both Leila & Rachel’s comments to be right on …..
A marriage without ‘give & take’, that is totally devoid of humor, is a boring existence. Trust me … I KNOW.
GOOD FOR YOU Ms. Blogess!
(“Dude, nice chicken”)
15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS!
The lesson here for your husband isn’t that he needs to pick his battles more carefully, but that he needs to seriously consider divorcing your crazy ass.
This is one of the greatest posts with cock referrals that i have ever read! bwhahaha!
I love the Home Goods store – they have a seemingly large selection of ugly chicken/rooster items at any given time. I venture there to buy my sister’s presents as she collects those things and the last thing I bought for her was a 4 foot wide by 3 foot tall wire rooster that is an outside patio table….it’s like Jenny and I live parallel lives or something….:)
This is hilarious. I was kinda wondering, What store was that?
What a hoot! I am dying to know if your friend Laura is my Texas daughter Laura. It sound like something she would do…especially if you to the bird home and she didn’t have it haning around her grayhounds.!
I have a neighbor who has a life sized metal moose in her yard. I wonder if she’d have it if her husband were still alive.
This is hilarious!
That is AWESOME!!! I LOVE Beyonce, and I want one!!!!
Thank you for the best laugh I’ve had in weeks!!!!!!!
Thanks for the chuckles this morn I really needed that! P.s. I love the foul language makes me laugh even more (cuz it sounds like me) 😉
Without a sense of humor – life is dull….Thanks you made me cry laughing 🙂
I have not laughed this hard in a while! My husband was going right along with me.
Love this story! It`s nice to see that other couples share the same sense of humor that hubby and I have. I sent this to hubby,and he laughed and laughed.
Then he proceeded to tell me that 14 years (our next anniversary) is towels, not big metal chickens.
Oh I LOVE those!!!! I actually (unsuccessfully) campaigned for one myself! I probably should have gone the surprise chicken ringing the doorbell route…
I love the log on Beyonce’s feet. Great tale – LOVE it!
This was just awesome. Now I’m incredibly jealous and want that chicken.
This is one of the funniest stories I have read in a while. It sounds like something I would do. I think my husband learned a long time ago it is best to NOT try and tell me to not do something. 😀
I seriously want that chicken! Please share where you found him!
OMG – I have never laughed so hard on a Sunday morning. Tears are streaming down my face! A friend of mine posted your blog on Facebook – I am now a totally devoted fan.
Dude, Nice Chicken.
That is the most awesome ‘yard art’ I’ve ever seen. Have been laughing my A$$ of w/eyes filled w/tears for 5 minutes. Men are just not equipped for that type of threat. Also the towels would have cost more. LMAO
And I’ll be happy to send a dollar and a towel, too! 🙂
I wonder if a giant, 5′ metal bird will show up on Google Earth? Making Victor’s gift cock visible from space?
Maybe you should try living a life where you actually have to watch your money only being able to buy things you can afford, think of everyone out there and what they could do with that $100. Oh and your right picking your battles is correct but your the one who picked a battle over a bath towel why? Because you can’t handle Victor being right, you don’t actually need new bath towels?
The funniest part about this post is the fact that there are actually people who think you have stayed married for more than three and a half minutes to a man who doesn’t get your sense of humor. People are fucking daft. And I love it. I hope to someday piss off this many people in an equally ridiculous way.
With over 2000 comments already, you hardly need mine, but I can’t help myself… I bow to your awesomeness!
Now this is definitely a Sunday read! lol Love it!
Now that is some funny shit right there! I haven’t stopped laughing. I happen to get this blog from a girlfriend of mine, and have been down since my boyfriend shipped out for Army training in Missouri on Wednesday. Thanks for the laugh, I SO needed it! 🙂
I just choked on cottage cheese b/c I was laughing so hard.
We (my sister and I) read this to my brother-in-law. He didn’t find it funny at all. Which, of course, made it all the more hysterical.
Dang. Why’d it have to be the 15 year mark. If it was 20 I cold totally use this as a reason to get a 5 foot chicken for my wife in a couple years.
For perspective I’d love to see a version of this from Victor’s side. I can see him sitting at a bar telling his buds (I picture him having buds, multiple) telling them all about it.
“I just said I didn’t like the pink towels and she brought home this !@#$%^& chicken. I think she may be mentally disturbed”
bud#1: “But she’s good in bed, right?”
A friend of mine shared this with me on FB and I could not stop laughing. This is something I would do! Thank you for the hystarical story, and possible future idea:) My husband has “banned” me from buying baskets…
Where are your ads? I want to click on them to reward you with 2 cents for writing this gem. Make that goddamn chicken pay for itself already.
This is beyond fabulous! I loved it!
What people need to remember is that as bloggers, we tell stories… plain and simple. Writing our stories is a small reflection of who we are… not the whole picture. Our readers don’t ‘know us’ just because they are a fan or a follower. Our families… friends… they’re the ones who know us and support us and from the small bit Jenny has shared about her marriage to Victor… there’s a lot of love, laughter and mutual respect between both of them. The writing… that’s just for fun… to make you laugh or think. Certainly bloggers put themselves “out there” and it draws criticism at times… but lets not forget that Jenny just wrote a funny story… that’s it anad that’s all. And… i’m pretty sure she wrote it with the support of her husband… knowing her humor and silliness as well as he does.
Thanks Jenny for showing me the ‘lighter side of life’, for making me laugh until my sides hurt, for proving that all of my self consciousness and fears are “normal”, for teaching me that as bloggers we really can make a difference in the lives of so many (proven countless times by the money you’ve raised for your readers).
Most importantly… thank you for the personal email when the man I was married to turned out to be a Giant Cock… your silly stories and inspiring journey really has gotten me through some of my very worst days.
I don’t claim to begin to know you… but I definitely consider you a friend.
I wish I knew you personally…You are my kind of girl. This made me laugh out loud, thanks!
This had me laughing so hard, I am actually crying. so wonderful
A friend of mine sent me the link to this posting …. and O.M.F.G!!!! Just hilarious!! Your husband is seriously lacking in the humor department, isn’t he? Poor thing…..
But you are PRICELESS!!! Thanks for this!
Hysterically funny! I nearly fell out of my chair when I read the caption, knock-knock, motherfucker, and I keep returning to re-read it and it continues to have the same affect. Bravo!
I HEART you.
WE ALL NEED METAL CHICKENS!!!!thanks for the laugh
Thank you for such a great laugh first thing this morning! If I had a hubby I would buy him a huge chicken as well! You are hilarious. Now if you could animate the chicken on a sensor – imagine the possibilities! Like the robot in Lost in Space! “Good morning Victor” every time he comes outside! teehee
my chicken is only 2 ft tall…..i am jealous, very very jealous…….
and the husband who cant laugh?……think about that.
Normally a guy gets a blowjob on the anniversary.
Granted, it’s not as enthusiastice as when you were dating, nor do they swallow as much, but it’s the thought that counts.
Thank you so much for giving me a wonderful laugh this morning!!! I was laughing so hard and just could not stop!!
I have read this post at least 10 times and to all of my friends and am still laughing hysterically. I NEED one of these chickens.
Oh Jenny! There is a place in the French Quarter in New Orleans that sells OTHER ANIMALS!! I have a lime green flying pig with yellow wings!! Granted mine is only a foot tall, but I think they had bigger ones!!!!!!!!!
This was so funny I laughed so hard my bladder stimulator turned off. This chicken is going to be famous. I don’t know where you live but you would be a very fun friend..
hahahha, that was the first laugh I had today! I sure wish I had a giant chicken. The second best laugh of the day came when reading the comment by June above. She was all sanctimonious about the disrespecting marriage and then wound up the comment by saying “the day i spend 100$ on something so wasteful, is the day I give up my right to be a parent.” The pure douchyness of lecturing someone else on marriage, coupled with the self-righteousness of parenthood made this comment hysterical.
I find it hilarious how many new people feel qualified to comment on the state of your marriage based on this one post. Then I imagined teleporting Beyoncé in front of their doors and couldn´t stop laughing. Knock knock, motherfuckers.
Thanks for posting this1 i have forwarded it to everyone I know!
Just when you think you heard it all another wonderful story comes along. Thank you for such a great laugh.
Just when you think you heard it all another wonderful story comes along. Thank you for such a great laugh.
I want one of them god damn chickens
this was just the best!!!
Laughing so hard I scared my kids….have tears in my eyes and my sides hurt! THANKS FOR MAKING MY DAY!!!! (and giving me possible gift ideas!)
A friend at my book club (who has the BEST sense of humor) recommended this blog to me yesterday. I just read this post and laughed so hard I cried. LOVE your sense of humor. Thanks for sharing. I have NO desire for a 5ft chicken, but I sure do like the story.
Thanks for making my day.
Best. Chicken Story. Ever.
Oh sweet Beyonce. x D
Thank you for both making me nearly choke to death in laughter, and inspiring me to just live a little. Because I think everyone needs their own five foot metal chicken named Beyonce in their life.
I think that’ll teach Victor not to tell you what u can and can not buy…maybe next time he will be careful with the battles and demands he choses…lol
You ROCK Jenny!!! I needed a laugh today as my hubby and I have been disagreeing lately and wish I could find a big chicken for him just to make the point.
Awesome. OMG, my sides hurt from laughing. *wipes tears* Totally hysterical!
Love! I actually have a peacock just like it. His name is Petey 🙂
I was presuming that your title was saying “Lesson to self – learn to pick your battles” But Noooo! Crabby, towel-purchase-denying husband needs to pick HIS battles!!! Excellent!!! INDEED – OTHER people need to LEARN that lesson, uh-huh, yeah, that’s what I said!
So I decided to read this to my husband and at the very beginning he was all, “towels are towels” to which I responded by going to the bathroom and grabbing a bath towel and beach towel. I came back and said, “observe the absorbency of this bath towel.” He did and agreed it was very nice. Then I said, “now observe the non-absorbency of this beach towel.” After seeing the difference he understood why you have one of each. XD
Also, very awesome post. I was cautioned to not present a 5ft chicken for our 15th anniversary, but I have a feeling this is going to be one of those times I conveniently forget. XD
This reminds me of the time that I blogged about my husband telling me not to buy towels. Of course instead of going out and buying a big, metal man-chicken, I canceled my shopping trip. THen I got out my needle and thread and repatched and rehemmed all our towels. Later I made my husband a pot-pie and told him how it was the best day ever. The funny thing is, nobody read my blog post.
My mom sent this to me in an e-mail after she and my dad read it. My dad almost busted a gut and they have been married for over 30 years. People are ignorant and silly with their mean sexist comments. I never comment on blogs, but I wanted to say thanks in a time that i have been feeling down and full of anxiety, this humor made my day. (And my best friend and I would totally have done the same thing!) I will continue to read your blog.
PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHERE THIS STORE IS – I HAVE TO HAVE ONE FOR MY GARDEN. MY NEIGHBOR NEXT DOOR HAS A MONKEY HANGING IN MY TREE THAT IS ON HIS SIDE OF THE FENCE AND I WANT THE GIANT CHICKEN (ROOSTER) TO FACE HIS POOL!
Now, all you need to purchase is a big metal egg — think of Victor’s face the first time someone asks him, “What came first, the chicken or the egg”???? Gotta love it!
Someone forwarded this to me and you are a hoot! The tears are streaming and I’ll now forward this to my “Victor” to gauge his reaction.
Sounds like you enjoy playing abusive mind games. Two can play that game. Spending money uncontrollably will irritate MOST sensible people. Be glad you have Victor. At the minimum, I would have chained you to the chicken and looked at you suffer for awhile out the window. If that didn’t work, then you might have found yourself impaled by the overly sharp chicken during the night when I was getting up to get a drink of water. Then during the investigation I would site the facts that the chicken is clearly unstable, even having evidence from the clerk who had trouble with the thing in the store, just like you were for buying the chicken and wanting it in the bedroom. Everyone can be replaced, even a mentally unstable wife who likes to push things too far.
Of course, before getting to that point, I would have left long ago and avoided this kind of behavior. I would have found someone more compatible and less mental. But to each their own.
Jenny, I have read your blog for a very long time now. I have laughed, cried, and thought about life with you. However, this is the BEST. DAMN. POST. EVER.
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in ages.
I MUST have a giant chicken.
Hilarious story. It’s like a scene out of one Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum novels which I love, btw. And the photo of a five foot tall rooster ringing the doorbell is awesome.
Hilarious blog post. One of your best, Jenny.
I wonder if the owner of the business where you purchased the chicken/rooster/cock agrees that spending a $100 in her store was wasteful? I’m sure when she’s doing her payroll or paying her electric bill, she was cursing that extra $100 and wishing all those frivolous spendthrifts would stop patronizing her store. Jeez. Who needs them anyway?
Please, please, fix it so you can hang hot pink beach towels from the chicken. So Beyonce becomes a giant-chicken-towel-butler.
Pretty much the best chicken story I’ve read all week.
OK. The few men that commented are really pissed off because you made Victor look like a sap. But to the Victor goes the spoils, and that would be you and your metal chicken. If my wife brought home a 5′ metal chicken, I would name it Foghorn Leghorn, after my favorite cartoon character, and I would plant it on our front lawn so all the neighbors and passers by could see it, and wonder WTF is wrong with those people. Obviously, you are ashamed of your chicken, because you planted it BEHIND your house, among some bushes, where only Victor can see it. Why don’t you man up and put it on the front lawn, where it belongs.
It’s official. I’ll be on the hunt for a 5-foot chicken now. I must do this to everyone in my neighborhood – although I think I should find something a bit lighter and sturdier…or maybe I’ll create my own!
I love this. I totally want a metal chicken now.
OMG, not only is this hilarious, but I totally would have brought the rooster home too. If you really want to get rid of it and are in the Bay Area, shoot me an email.
What did you you get him for your 3rd year anniversary? I was thinking of getting my hubby a little rubber chicken to start small. For 15 years, that is the best gift ever.
I love it. That is the best news I have heard in years. I can not stop laughing. This was priceless. You got more than your moneys worth. 🙂 Have a great day.
i can’t stop laughing!
Too freakin funny. You know the poor guy is never going to hear the end of it or stop getting chicken gifts for the next 20 years. That’ll teach him to not let you buy towels next time! I once tortured my husband with a big ass heavey 40 pound wooden carved monkey that I made him drag all over Africa so could have it in my office. That poor guy still hate monkies to this day.
Love your blogs!
wow @Dragonus, lame!!!!!!! relax
Wow. If this many people are pissed off about a chicken what must they think of the soon to be saint James Garfield?
Hysterical! And I’m a chicken fanatic too. Too bad she ruined the entire thing with all the “and I was all like this” and “she was all that” and “Victor was all like”. You had a great story, spoiled in large part by the telling. Just leave out the vernacular next time. Oh, “vernacular” means “stupid trendy crap that people use to describe normal things”.
I literally just died laughing. that chicken at the door picture almost killed me. Hilarious.
I found a link to this post on Twitter, and oh my gosh. I love you. I wish I had a husband to tease XD
Also I love the name Victor. Just throwing that out there.
The photo by the door’s hilarious! And I LOVE your wit! This is my first time reading your blog but I did note that Bloggess rhymes with Goddess – how apropo!
I love it! I showed it to my husband, and 2 days later told him we needed new towels. He sighed and said “Well, at least its not a chicken” 🙂
I’ve already commented, but I had to come back and tell you that I have read this at least once a day because it makes me laugh out loud every freaking time. I was near Home Goods the other day and the urge to go in and hunt for a chicken was damn near uncontrollable.
OMG!!!!!! I am legit laughing uncontrollably over this! Beyonce the chicken? A big metal chicken!?!?!?! Hhah, I hope this is my life when I’m married one day!
Thank you for this post. I laughed throughout and am now going to find you on twitter. Seriously. Funny.
I found and purchased a big metal chicken!! My best friend suffered a personal loss recently and I haven’t seen her really just laugh since then. We are sharing custody of our chicken, whom we named Maybelle. Thank you so much for making us laugh, even when we didn’t think we could!
I’ve been married 36 yrs and never came across a metal 5′ chicken! I’m gonna look for one before the 37th anniv. so i can present “him” with the best anniversary present anyone could give! i have rubber chickens which I hung from a string in the stairway of our bedroom but a metal 5′ chicken is the ultimate!
You Rock!! 🙂
I am quite certain this is the funniest blog post in existence. You’re amazing.
So. Much. WIN.
I can’t believe how many people are freaking out over spending $100 on something. It’s 100 bucks. It’s not like she sold her house to buy lawn art and then had no yard to put it in because it was sold like some fucked-up Gift of the Magi scenario. People have the right to spend their money on whatever they see fit to spend it on. And if I could find a 5-foot frog in my neck of the woods, that sucker would be mine, even if $200 of it wasn’t free.
Is your husband’s name really Victor? Because that’s a great name for a bloggess’s husband. Much funnier than if his name were Chris, Tom, or Sam. (or Bob, Dave, Justin, Jason, Blaine, etc.)
And… maybe I’m old and traditional, but I would never stand for any interference in my linen closet affairs from a husband. Husbands do not get to have an opinion about any kind of towels except shop towels. Shop towels stay in the shop, and are not allowed in the house.
These younger guys who can be depended on to turn the oven down to 350 in 30 minutes, and who wash dishes, have their good points, but a husband (who I assume is a straight man) has NO BUSINESS even BRINGING UP the subject of towels much less expressing an opinion about the timeline of purchasing them. They can say they like bath sheets better than regular size bath towels if that opinion is solicited by their wife but they are not permitted to give any unsolicited preference of color or any other towel attribute.
Same thing for sheets, pillowcases, blankets, duvet covers, quilts, bedspreads, dust ruffles, pillow shams, and throws. Curtains, tablecloths, and placemats also follow the linen closet rule: Husbands butt out, this stuff is none of your business.
Yes, I have a husband, same one since 1981. He says he likes high thread count 100% cotton sateen sheets but only when asked. He has slept on solid colors, (colors my choice) and dainty florals without complaint or remark of any kind, which is just as it should be.
O. My. Gosh. Absolutely the most hilarious things i’ve seen in months. Was linked from my best friend’s FB page. And the whole time i was reading I could envision us totally having the same conversation and loading that big-ass chicken in my truck. The doorbell pic was a surprise however and I laughed and cried uncontrollably…..the pieces of wood across her feet to keep her from tipping over sent me over the edge…lol…what a great end to the weekend. AND I love the idea of making beyonce a towel rack!!! You’ll have to supply more pics of beyonce’ along to let us know what she’s up to…lol. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Funniest damn thing I’ve read in a long time. “Knock-knock, motherfucker”…freaking classic. Totally can picture my wife and I having this same scenario happen to us and appreciate that other people are as crazy as us.
Too funny!! I have a different metal chicken that drives my husband nuts too and thats why we still have him. I call him “art” cause he is a work of art. 🙂 My husband has even heard women he works with talking about buying chickens for decorating their home with. He cant get away from the “chicken.”. Lol
SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. I am still pissing myself. Funniest shit I’ve read online in…EVER. And my husband even agreed even though he was CRANK.EEEE because I woke him with my choking gasps as I read this. (He was concerned that I was “in danger.”) Truly, stupendously and awesomely funny.
Damn- I was totally unaware that the 15th anniversary was giant metal chickens. I’m totally missing out!
After I just celebrated and blogged about my 4th wedding anniversary, my husband’s stepmother passed this blog on to me so I could read a very different anniversary story. Hilarious. I’m hooked. Note to self: 15th anniversary is giant metal chicken.
OMG I’d love to meet you or even shop with you….I laughed so hard….My friend send me this and said it’s me all over and yes I would have got the chicken but hide the towels
Absolutely pissing myself laughing at work whilst reading this, well done! 😀
I really needed a good laugh and I got one full-on with tears. Thank you!!!!
this is pure greatness!
This was the funniest f&cking thing I read all week. I started wheezing from laughing so hard at the “Knock, knock motherf&cker” photo caption. O.M.G.
If it was me, you’d be alone with the chicken.
Perspective. Now Victor has it.
I also love how many people have accused you of wasting ‘his’ money. Even if he is the only income-earner in the household, it’s still YOUR money. If you stay home, cook, clean, raise a child, and have sex with Victor, then you work too. If he was paying somebody to do all those things for him, I’m pretty sure the bill would far exceed the $100 you spent. I’m not saying this for Victor’s benefit, since he seems like a really cool guy, but for the benefit of those who think a woman who stays home doesn’t work and therefore has no right to the bank account. Which isn’t even the case for you, since you DO work, and damn hard by the looks of things.
You are awesome. Never stop being you.
Crazy delightful sense of humour …. the chicken is just so outrageous it has me thinking that it should have a set of adventures… akin to the postcards of the stolen garden gnomes in Europe etc!!!! Keep on writing… this is great stuff!
This is the funniest blog post I have read in forever…Sisterhood of the Travelling Chicken, anyone?
Wow…I just realized you write for the Chronicle and live in the same area as me! You should definately Travel that Chicken!!
And @ Rachel Y. (#2092)
AMEN!!! If Nancy could see this, this post would have been 1000% better than it is, and it is 1000% better than any post I have ever read. That would be like…I don’t know, a metric shit-ton of amazing. I’m bad at math. But just think: Knock-knock Motherfucker meets Carry On, Motherfucker. Jenny’s servers would have just imploded from the sheer awesomeness.
This post was hilarious, but what’s even more laughable are the ridiculous comments. I bet when you posted this you didn’t expect the handfuls of unwarranted marriage advice? After reading a number of your posts, I’m assuming Victor knew what he was getting into when he married you (good man.) You don’t take yourself too seriously, which is a quality some of the commenters on this post need to adopt. Your husband doesn’t seem like the kind of man who would harbor “resentment” over a damn chicken, and you, or any woman for that matter, shouldn’t feel the need to stroke your husband’s ego because you happen to be blessed with one hell of a sense of humor. So basically what I’m saying is, your zest for life is admirable. You’re not a “man basher” or a bad wife. To hell with the haters.. they can marinate in their resentment and enjoy the stick up their asses.
Best laugh I’ve had in years. Everyone needs a little chicken in their lives!!!
NEWS FLASH: HR departments have been issuing paycheques/checks to people with vaginas for at least five years now. Yeah, sure, I have to get them issued in my husband’s name and he has to take them to the bank for me, but STILL.
Thank you for the best laugh I’ve had in WEEKS.
Holy Hannah — I just leaked pee. Everything about this situation screams hilarious.
I don’t think I would have bought the chicken, well I know I wouldn’t have, but I love your blog post on it! Cheered up my day immensely.
Laughed so hard I cried! You made my day
I was laughing OUTLOUD! I was referred to your blog by damomma.com, and I’m so happy I read your post you crack me up!
Is Victor really this much of a jerk? Wow. Sounds like you have a great sense of humor which is what marriages need. How could anyone not think Beyonce is not funny?
jenny the bloggess, if you tried to get together with charlie red then there might be some kind of statutory rape issue. because his writing styles makes him sound around 15…. so please rethink those future moves : )
Do you actually read comment #2223? Even if you don’t, I have to tell you how giddy I am with excitement knowing that next year on our 15th wedding anniversary, there will be some serious chicken fun in this coop. I <3 you. And Beyonce. (the brightly colored metal one) (though I will get up and shake my groove thing to "All the Single Ladies" if it's on) (Even if I do dance like the queen of Wonder Bread)
Aw, hell. I took so long to write that it was comment #2228. My apologies to #2223. I’m sure The Blogess read yours.
OMG! You are hilarious! My husband better watch out, or he’ll end up with a chicken, too! Chickens are hilarious. I love that you named it Beyonce. I’m sure this is nothing you haven’t heard before in all these comments, but I LOVE it.
“Knock Knock, motherfucker!” This is quite possibly the best line ever said by anyone! Thank you for making me laugh outloud, twice!
Taking bets on if you make it to 16 yrs
My wife and I own a 5 foot metal chicken as well. Birds love to nest in it. It is a litmus test for assholes. If people like it well chances are I like them if not chances are they are uptight dicks. We live on the main drag of a small town and people say that they feel they are home when they pass it at night (we keep seasonal lights on it year round, not just for x-mas anymore). Cracks me up the people that get pissed about it. We’ve had ours for about 5 years(paid full price). I think I got it for our anniversary too. We are now saving up for an 8 foot T-Rex same sort of construction. If you don’t like it, pay my taxes!
Wow. So basically your marriage is all about disrespect for your husband. You do things purposefully, that you know will make him angry simply for the benefit of making him angry. What a wonderful wife you are. Don’t be surprised when he tells you to take your chicken AND your pink beach towels and GTFO.
Can anyone tell me where I can get this on the internet??? This is hilarious!!
This is the ugliest thing I have ever seen. I love it.
First of all: 2230 comments????? Now THAT is impressive!!!!! A friend sent me over here to your blog and as soon as I wipe the tears of laughter offf my face so I can see, maybe I will type better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are one funny lady! Thanks for the GREAT laugh. As for Victor, he will mellow. I ahve been married for 43 years and they do….mellow. I love Beyonce!!!!!!!! XO, Pinky
This is now my litmus test for new relationships. If a guy doesn’t find this blog entry funny, then he’s not date material. I’m happy to say that my current boyfriend was doubled over laughing from this last night. His favorite part was the fact that Beyonce’ was in front of Victor’s ONLY window. He may be a keeper.
Holy crap…step away from the internet for a week and miss a chicken shit storm. Beyonce is really bringing out everyone’s relationship baggage. I’m thinking you could make a fortune selling your Big Chicken Interpersonal Evaluation (patent pending) to family therapists. Or matchmakers. It would definitely screen out the undesirables. Just be grateful the hostiles didn’t stumble upon your parenting column.
I have got to find that chicken in a store somewhere.
So your husband told you to stop wasting money and your response was to waste money in the most spectacular fashion possible? Good plan. Having zero resect for your spouse is always a winner. I wonder if Victor and his mistress ever have a laugh at your expense. I shall look for that blog.
So, I showed my boyfriend this blog as a warning. He sent me this picture today: http://cl.ly/3P3U0H2u2D161I2a2E41/IMG_8423.jpg
I think you need to post your address so eveyone can send you & Victor towels as an anniversary gift rom all over the world………we can all address them to Victor and he can have more towels then he knows what to do with!!! NOW THAT IS A LASTNG LAUGH WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE CHICKEN AND THE MAIL FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
You could always bring the chicken to South Carolina. They have big gamecock fans here…>>LOL
Excellent column. I don’t even think this is your best stuff and I wonder why now the increase in traffic. You must have hit the critical point – well done.
Unfortunately many don’t get your humor and I admire the way you handle criticism, at least publicly. Of course you may have to your father take away your mother’s internet access again.
And for those critical of Victor – he is the straight guy in her/their comedy routine. The George to her Gracie, the Abbot to her Costello, but more of the Silent Bob type. That is all I have to say about that.
I’d like to order these chickens for every WAmu exec and his wife that were a party to the company’s demise. These are to be put where the sun don’t shine! Let’s see how that chicken scratches ! Might be good company if they end up behind bars!
I came over because Jay said you were awesome. She was right, you so are!! This is fucking hilarious!! I about pissed myself laughing. I need a 5 ft chicken, it would piss my husband off. Maybe I’ll get one for our 5 yr anniversary and tell him it’s his present too. LMFAO! Your newest follower too, btw :o)
Okay, that is the funniest damn thing I have seen in weeks! Saw the link on my friend’s facebook wall and had to check it out. I am COMPLETELY getting my husband a huge metal chicken for our anniversary now. Trip to Vegas? No? Why? Vegas comes and goes in a weekend, but a huge metal chicken is FOREVER! HA!
I saw the chicken at HEB this weekend and freaked out as if I had seen a celebrity.
About 10 years ago I bought a gold metal Knight in Shining Armour for about the same price that you paid for your chicken. I cut myself on him 4 times just carrying him to the car. Sharp edged bastard. His name is George and he sleeps with me. Not in my bed, he’s too sharp.
That’s the funniest f*^@ing story I’ve think I’ve ever read. I laughed until I cried and was actually banging my hand on the desk.
I’ve come back to read this several time and posted a link to it on my blog. I wasn’t going to leave a comment, but I just had to tell you, after reading some of these comments that there is a good Brene’ Brown quote that might be of use to you: “Don’t try to win over the haters. You’re not the Jackass Whisperer.”
I read this and chuckled … then read again and laughed until my eyes watered. I’m going on 20 years of marriage and could totally relate.
You deserve the divorce coming your way. Every chick here who says “I’d like to piss off my husband” will be divorced and having to make their own money for once after he finally finds his balls and dumps you.
“IT IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN” is going to be my new hashtag on Twitter.
Obviously the giant chicken – (actually, to be fair, it appears to be a giant rooster) has brought joy to more than just you and your friend. This big fellow is sure to bring joy to you and everyone who see’s it for years to come! Had I seen it, I would have bought himself. Did you know there’s a band named “Big uh… Rooster?” Substitute the other name for rooster there). If you love big 80’s hair bands, you will love them!
You are my god! Thanks for the laugh… I truly needed it!
Seriously laughed until I cried, and stopped breathing briefly. All better now, but my 75 year old German mother-in-law is super jealous and wants a Beyonce of her own for her yard. Now I have to scour the world for a damn chicken for her. I’ll get one for me too… and leave it on doorsteps. Maybe we can start a chicken movement for world peace, or manure or something?
Could be worse. I got a revenge kitten once and it lived for 16 years. And she snarled and scratched at everyone but me until the day she died.
How good does it feel to know there are thousands of women who just want to have coffee with you, and maybe go shopping once in while? For chickens. Thanks for the laughs!
You are the sister I have always wanted and never got.
You should make a video of this one. You could win an Academy Award in the short films category for it.
LOL – I’m crying over here! LOVE!!!!!
Sooo to prove your husband wrong for not wanting you to buy towels, which I am sure you _wanted_ not _needed_ you went out and spent money on a giant metal rooster, that you didn’t need. What point does this prove, except cementing to your husband that you’re irresponsible with money.
I think your husband is the victor in this, not you. All you’ve done is further perpetuate the stereotype of women as over emotional wackjobs with no common sense.
“Don’t want me to spend $40 – 50 or whatever on new towels, I’ll show you by spending $100 on a giant metal chicken that serves 0 purpose!! HA HA, I showed you” Yeah, you really showed him honey.
I should have bought my ex one since that will be only one she will get .
I don’t know what made me click on my friend’s FB to view this site, but I have already been through 3 kleenex laffing and crying and pounding the desk trying to breathe.
I have seen cocks that had to be pumped up, ones you injected, but I have never seen one this BIG nor this colorful! I shall treasure this link as I pass it on to all my friends. Thank you for the best read in ages!
That was freaking hysterical. I love your “I’ll show you” attitude… If he hadn’t made the towels a forbidden purchase, Beyonce might never have come home with you. Maybe…
You are so fabulous and my sons thought it amazing- right up this mom’s alley- do you live in Ohio btw- I would by him off you to put outside my chcekn coop tp scare the stupid rooster that drives me nuts and yes my husband woud be like yours but he would get even! That’s why i love him so!
That is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time..the chicken at the front door..the caption just threw it over the top. Perfect. I’m showing this to my husband, so he’ll appreciate the fact that I haven’t done this..yet.
I have a caption for the pic of you holding Beyonce…Cockadoodledoo, any cock will do!
Love it. sounds like something I would do.
Can I please not write my blog today and just repost this one? I’d change the names, of course, and photoshop my face standing next to the chicken. This was hilarious. I want a five foot chicken for my five foot square studio apartment. And one to scare away snakes (and men with no sense of humor).
Thanks for that. I almost peed my pants. Nah. I did. Changing now.
This made me giggle like a kid. So. Very. Wonderful.
Bloggess, I want to build a 5-foot chicken for my GF. Noticing you posted #1 & #6 pictures… you are obviously holding out on on your CHICKEN PICS! Can you post others so I can build to spec?! I have no imagination- THX!
You don’t need new towels, or a 5′ tall metal chicken. You need a divorce. Victor is a petulant jackass. If new towels make you happy, get the towels. Threatening to strangle you? Storming off and slamming his office door? He’s a toddler having a tantrum. Ditch the jackass. Get new towels. And name the chicken Victor.
That is totally awesome and Hilarious!!!!! I love it and need a big chicken of my own!!!! hahahhahahah
My husband and I agree that this story is HILARIOUS and that that chicken is totally worth a hundred bucks. I first read this post while sitting in the middle of a mind-numbingly boring teacher workshop and had to stop reading halfway through because there was no way that anyone was going to believe that I was actually paying attention to the presentation if I started giggling hysterically.
As for the critics…dudes, maybe your marriages fell apart because you have no sense of humor? Or because you’re stone-age misogynists–love the whole assumption that women must always be spending their HUSBAND’s money, not their own.
Aah… Joe, lighten up.
I have two! Unfortunately, mine are only a foot and a half tall and my real live chickens love to hang out with them in front of the bird feeders! Thanks for the laugh!
By the way, please tell me the UPS guy didn’t deliver towels to you from your husband for your anniversary!
If I were Victor, I would be shagging the hell out of Laura, right after you pulled some idiot move like that. Basically, sharing the “cock” if you will……. then I would mount ” Beyoncé ” over the fireplace, and have a family reunion (your side). Which I would go into great detail (especially with your grandmother….assuming you have one that hasn’t died of embarrassment yet) as to your blatant ignorce to a dollar well spent and a dollar earned. Im sure you are unemployed (or have some BS part-time job) so you can feel somewhat worthy. I only assume that you’re the typical user of men, because of your vagina (which I am sure is getting old to Victor, especially when you act like this). Victor obviously has a good job and works hard to earn the money you don’t appriciate. Hopefully, he banged-the-hell out of some sweet 18 Year old, which, he probably did because you’re too ignorant to give him the respect he deserves. So, good on Him for getting the last laugh ……PS —- this is why you think he’s such a “good sport” about your towels…….you’d be wise to “pick your arguments better”. Chicks….all the same……..LMFAO!
That is awesome. I’d have totally bought a $100 giant metal chicken. And I love that your main motivation was annoying Victor. Guess he won’t threaten you over towels anymore, will he?
Loved this post so much I shared it with all my friends and a few coworkers. Was rewarded today with a little metal chicken surprise on my laptop when I came back from lunch. He had a post it note that said “Knock Knock” – awesome!
Hil-fucking-arious!!!! “Knock knock, motherfucker” nearly made me choke!!! Thanks for the laughs ~ you rock!!!
I absolutely love this <3
Add to bucket list “1x 5ft Metal Chicken” to torment husband!!
Gotta love it!!!
OMG..I have been married 10 years and you have just.set.the.bar! LOVE IT! I read it to my husband …while cracking up…and he just shook his head. But he best prepare! 15 years…GIANT CHICKEN…BOOYAH!
Oh. MY. GAWWWWWWWD.
I said OK and went to watch TV…
Love that beyonce is peering in – he/she is precious –
LOVE the SCENE in the story…
Oh no! The chicken has a shiv!
I. Will. Stalk. You. Now.
Be. Afraid. *winks*
I thought I was going to pass out from my lack of being able to breathe. Why was I unable to breathe? Because I was laughing so hard!!! There is nothing quite like a 5-foot metal chicken sitting at your front door. Seriously, I think I’ll be giggling about that on my way to bed. A 5-foot metal chicken…BA HA HA HA!
Joe needs to know this chick (Grandma) has made her own money since she was 16. Been married for almost 30 years. Has a husband who does not find humor in this blog , any more than when the kids tell him to dust off his money when he opens his wallet. But just like our parents (God willing) will be married till the day one of us dies. For one reason I did not marry a jerk like Joe. I’m sure Joe will end up alone if anyone he hooks up with can chew their own leg off to get away from him. Pretty sure there would have to be chains involved for him to have someone around in the first place.
*inserting A LOT of Beyonce, chicken head, and cock jokes* here LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love this entry — I burst out laughing at everything you write– I wish that you had a picture of Victor staring at the metal chicken!!
“think of everyone out there and what they could do with that $100” – Joe
Dear Joe: http://thebloggess.com/2010/12/my-heart-grew-three-sizes-and-now-i-have-an-enlarged-heart-worth-it/
Wet my pants laughing and after I cleaned up I sent this to Amy (*my* Laura). You are one funny chick (pun intended) and I want to be your friend. 🙂
I LOVE this blog….you are the BEST!!!
This is too, too funny. My daughter-in-law sent this to me because they bought us one of these chickens a couple of years ago. This year for Father’s day we got my husband a 5 ft. Pink Flamingo because apparently we had to have it to honor our trailer trash status. There is a store west of Abiline that we passed yesterday that had 4 chickens about 8-10 feet tall. I wanted to stop so bad.
you don’t need me to tell you this, but this if F-ing awesomely funny. I’m in awe. That is all. #winning
You are ridiculous. Sheer brilliance.
Oh dear god this was funny. It is my first time here and took me 4 days to make it through the post and all (currently 2266) posts. SO freaking funny, I can’t wait to go read more posts. I shared with my husband and he A) also thought it was hilarious B) keeps saying “knock knock motherfucker” and C) wants one of those chickens, as do I (Also need to agree with the poster who said it IS a chicken, a chicken is a chicken is a chicken. Chicken is not gender specific, all chickens are chickens, females are hens, males are roosters/cocks. So, although he has a decidedly feminine name, Beyonce is, in fact, both rooster/cock and chicken).
As for the naysayers.
#1 lighten up, this is a comedy site, most likely the story has been fabricated or at least embellished for comedic purposes
#2 WTF? “HIS” money? Who said? First off she never said the argument regarding towels was because they couldn’t afford new towels and secondly how the hell do YOU know who earned said money? Like you haven’t blown a certain amount of money on something silly? Do you know how much money they have? I don’t. For all we know they are millionaires and wipe their asses with hundred dollar bills and therefore this $100 wouldn’t even blip their budget, let alone hurt it. Can *I* afford to piss away $100? Sometimes but not often. Totally not relevant to whether or not they can. Doesn’t mean I have to hate on someone who can. I’m HAPPY there are people who can afford to buy stupid shit that makes them happy.
#3 SHE thought it was funny, HE thought it was funny (later) and she had his blessing to write the post, post it and is supportive of her in general so obviously they are doing something right. I hope your relationship is as stable. Just because you and your spouse don’t have the same relationship as Jen and Victor doesn’t mean it isn’t working out very well for them. It’s not the same as ours and the above situation wouldn’t have gone on as it did in our house either but if it works for them who the hell are you to be pissy about it?
#4 If you are going to take the story literally and with no sense of humor, why is Jen the only one getting shit on here? Hell Victor threatened to kill her if she bought a towel and she’s the only bad guy in the story? Hell I’d much rather a 5 foot “fuck you” chicken response to being threatened bodily harm if I didn’t follow orders.
Going to go read more posts now…
I laughed to hard I cried while reading this outloud to my husband. I have an intense facination with giant chickens ever since I was a kid. The little town I grew up in had a restaurant right in the middle of it called The Burger Den/Dairy Dip… and on top was… you guessed it… I giant chicken!!! I was an adult, married with children but CRIED the day they took that chicken down. I even made my kids stand in the rain to take a photo with a giant chicken on the side of the road in Cave City Kentucky..so I would sooooo be buying a 5ft chicken! And I would position it to stare over the fence at my neighbor… that is so stiff she could use a some cock in her life to lighten her mood!
Since I read this post two days ago I’ve seen no less than TWO other 5 foot chickens. So glad I found this first.
I had the worst day. Then i come home and found your blog. Your chicken made my day. You are now my favorite person ever.
OMG, I literally was laughing out loud while reading this. My coworkers probably thought I was nuts. Excellent writing! =)
Oh and also, after I got sidetracked from laundry by reading these posts, my husband very carefully asked me if I was going to do anymore laundry because he needed work shirts washed (and before anyone gets there panties in a wad, laundry has been our sole area of contention in our marriage – in that I want to be the only one to do laundry, however I am forgetful and easily distracted so sometimes it builds up before I remember to do it – or finish it. It has taken me a good long while to convince him to remind me or request I do laundry rather than doing it himself). I jumped to and thanked him for reminding me. I then added “Just don’t word it ‘Hey dumb bitch go do the laundry’ or you will get a 5′ chicken for your trouble”. He laughed and walked away muttering “Knock knock motherfucker” hehe. Excuse me, need to go move clothes into the dryer…
I’m sure that’s a hysterical story to share at your book club meetings, and the self-esteem boost from all these clucking hens (pun intended) likely substantial… but your just going to have to take it in stride when ‘Victor’ divorces you and burns your cloths.
All men have their limit, and mine is WAY below wasting $200 on a tin chicken.
You should rent him out to women for their anniversarys!!
Every girl would die for a 5′ cock!
Imagine the envy of the men in the neighborhood?
And, how can we get him to my house?
i almost peed my pants when i read, ” this chicken will CUT YOU” Awwwwwww hilarious!
Great read, but the pictures suggest that you unknowingly purchased a 5 foot rooster. Yep, the crest on it;s head, and the swooping of the tail suggests it is a male chicken…
This. Is. Awesome.
I laughed my ass off the entire time I was reading this article, and then my husband told me that I’m an idiot.
Very funny; I have a dead chicken piece in my book “I Will Not Go the F**k to Sleep”, but it is lukewarm compared to this.
That is one AWESOME cock! This is the funniest thing Ive seen in a long, long time. Thank you! (BTW, my fiance and I have the towel discussion quite a bit as well.)
Hey Victor: How does it feel to be goosed by a chicken?
Wow, that’s rich! He didn’t want towels, and got a giant cock in return.
Your sarcasm is hilarious! I think i’d like to hang out with you and your friend Laura when I get in a fight with my “victor” 🙂
I am here absolutely dyin’ – laughed so hard my sides hurt and I’m still trying to catch my breath. I am SO copying the link to send to my friends. Just unbelievably hilarious.
YOU ROCK. lol
“because this chicken will cut you“
I just cannot stop laughing at that!
I absolutely LOVE this! Congrats!
I’ve just seen your blog for the first time…the metal chicken.
This has got to be the funniest, yet most sensible thing I’ve read in years. I want a chicken of my own. A five foot one. He can be the big brother to Gustov, our hand carved, jointed chicken and his chicken friends, Woody (also a carved chicken) and Pudge.
I’m a songwriter….and I love good writing. You, madam, are brilliant. I’ll be visiting your blog again. And again. And again.
You made me wet my pants.
My hubby has decided he needs to make some of these chickens and sell them, as you’ve created quite the demand and there’s no Home Goods here in my part of Florida. Thanks for giving him the inspiration!
Also, he and my 15yo son totally got it, loved it and laughed out loud while I read the post to them (twice, ’cause I was laughing so hard the first time). And they also totally get that money in a family belongs to the whole family… which is good for them, ’cause I’m the sole wage-earner in our family right now, even without a Y chromosome.
To the hater who keeps posting under different names (and to his li’l buddy whom he has obviously recruited to post more and nastier comments), that Y-chromosome thing? That means I’m a woman. A woman who supports her family by paying all the bills. Guess what? The days when men were the sole source of income in a family? They ended long before you were born (sometime between 1960 and 1980, I’d hazard) and most women today don’t need men to subsidize (that means “pay for”) their lives. And no, before your twisted and misogynistic minds go there, these women are not “lesbos” or “manhaters”. As for making a decent enough living to allow you to afford to spend $100 on whimsy, good luck. Based on your lack of ability to type and spell (as demonstrated in your redundant comments above), you will need it. I won’t even try to guess about the state of your love life, although your comments tell a pretty depressing story of anger, bitterness, immaturity, intolerance and a frustrated need to dominate some quiet little lady who “knows her place.” Yeah, um, good luck with that, too.
Love you, Jenny, and Victor. Hope your vacation has rocked.
Apparently Nate and Joe don’t know what humor and sarcasm are all about.
Rock on Jenny!
I think Beyonce’ and Victor need to read “The Hoboken Chicken Emergency” by Daniel Pinkwater. Beyonce’ so s/he doesn’t get a complex about being an unloved giant chicken. And Victor because it will help put the whole towel v. chicken thing into even better perspective.
Oh and commenter #296, charlie Red, knows even less about sarcasm, yet calls himself a hipster. wow. and he posted about this post, but disallowed comments. How’s that for understanding humor?
Thanks for the huge laugh!!! My son has cancer and is going thru his second stem cell transplant. I needed a laugh right now!
God I just snorted my yogurt! I’m glad you and my sister are not acquainted. She gave me bronzed rhino poop on a plaque one year for my birthday with the inscription “You’re #2” and that’s not even skimming the surface.
Victor. You are a lucky man. Plus, they always say the crazy chicks are the best in bed. Count your lucky start Victor. And I will count mine, for finding this blog. I just feel so pleased now, knowoing there are people like The Bloggess out in the wide world.
OMFG!!!! SSSOOOOO funny!!!! Poor Victor but Well Done you!!! Why aren’t I this interesting? First time I’ve seen your blog (via a FB post from a friend) but will deffo look out for you <3
Damn, girl, the responses are almost as good as your post. lmao
For the haters – you’ve got some choices available to you on the Internet for an unlimited time!
– Take a seat in the STFU Cafe, and have a cup of sarcasm with a piece of pie. It won’t kill you. Though, the waitress might, and perhaps her newfound fans.
– Find a fire hydrant and do some deep knee bends on it. And for a limited time, you can have some battery acid thrown in for lube!
Call now! – Operators are standing by…
Pleeeeeease, tell me where to get one?
My friend just found her own Beyonce….and yes paid the $200 for her. Worth every penny. This has made mine and several of my friend’s week! Thanks!!!!
Shoulda wrapped a bath towel around the chicken. Next time!
I went to Home Goods this weekend with my daughter. Our Home Goods had 3 metal chickens about 3 feet high that seem to have been from the same collection. I started laughing so hard that other shoppers looked at me askance. My daughter too.
I am wiping the streaming tears from my face. That is the absolute most fantastic post I’ve ever read. Ever. First place. Blue Ribbon. Thank you so much for making my day. I feel like now I cannot live without a 5′ metal creature. Probably not a chicken, though. You’ve done that — and done it far better than anyone else ever could.
Unlike most of the ladies here, I’m unimpressed, and think your husband don’t deserve this ill-conceived attempt to be cute. I think I’m more bothered by the $100 pricetag than anything, if you did this with something $10, I think it’d be completely different.
I think your awesome for doing it. I have one “those” kind of husbands but it’s sooo nice to hear that husbands like THAT happen everywhere. Your blog is awesome! KUDOS!
Suzanne (Texas, mother of 4 and step mom to 2) That’s right, 6 total! (14 my boy, 11 my girl, 10 my boy, 8 my girl, 8 his girl, 5 his son) Enjoy life….and thanks for sharing and making me smile..;-)
Okay a link to this post was forwarded to me by a work colleague and as usual I’m laughing out loud reading Jenny’s blog. I will make a note to self that the traditional gift for a 15th wedding anniversary is a 5′ metal chicken complete with two logs to stabilize the feet so she doesn’t tip over and fall on my front door.
I SOOOOOO want to go out for drinks with you!!!!!!
I feel sorry for Victor. [Note: we didn’t hear his side of the towel issue – maybe there are so many friggin’ towels in the cupboard there’s not even room for his shaving cream]
Anyway, you bought a big, silly, metal chicken, lugged it home and when it didn’t piss him off standing on the front door step you basically said it was revenge for opposing your towel purchase. So, you kept after him until you did piss him off. And somehow you think something’s
wrong with Victor? The man is a saint.
Maybe he’d stop being one of “those” husbands if you stopped turning him into one… or maybe he’ll find someone else.
I forwarded this to my fiance and told him it was premarital counseling. You’re practically a therapist, Jenny. 🙂
I think a Beyonce would be a KICKASS wedding guestbook. 😉
I sent this to my EX Husband and he and his new girlfriend and I all died laughing about it. Relax. Victor loves this woman. Who wouldn’t???!?!?!
At least it’s not towels! hahahahahaha!!!!
I don’t think she did it to piss Victor off. I think it was just more of a practical joke. if a marriage doesn’t have humor and laughter, then what is the point? He made his point clear when he told her he would strangle her if she brought home another towel. Now, I’m sure that was his joke. They were just turning what WAS an argument into a joke. My husband’s comment was, “that’s just weird!”
I would totally start decorating it with some other cheezy from the dollar store plastic yard stuff. And since it’s summer you should wrap a towel around the chickens neck, in case he wants to go swimming. I mean afterall, you don’t want him to be out there all alone do you?
There is a restaurant less than ten blocks from where I live that has a five-foot rooster that I think is even classier because you can still read the stencils on the sides of the drums it was made from. It is one where I often took my father (birthday July 4th, 1930) to breakfast after his therapy sessions during his final months of life.
Also, at one time I was serving people who lived behind a front door a whole lot like yours. It was guarded by a one-foot metal duck.
I TOTALLY would have bought the chicken. That thing is screaming my name. Love your writing!
Talk about getting “cock-blocked.” hehehe 🙂
All I have to say is AWESOME!!!!!! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the funniest thing I have read in a LONG time. Thanks. I needed that.
I love the fact that when I googled “knock knock motherfucker,” this blog post is the first thing that comes up.
Very very worth it.
Seriously, my stomach hurts from laughing so hard.
Laughed myself into tears. Great piece!
You are completely unbelievable. Victor must be such a saint if he has been putting up with your immature, poor stewardship of money for 15 years. Being completlely honest, I would have been more impressed with you would have acted as if you were out of diapers and resolved the issue like grown up. I am completely ashamed of your grotesque behavior. Stop breathing my air.
This was my first time to read your blog & I laughed & laughed & laughed!!! LOVE IT!!!
Thank you for the laugh. Now I am thinking of different couples I know and putting them into your story and laughing more!
Wow–like a pink flamingo on steroids. I want one too.
I laughed so hard when recounting this story in the car, that I almost ran into a bus. True story. Reminds me of things my husband has done in the past . . . like the time he put a fox face in my lunch. Yep, the face of a fox that he bought at some trader stand on his way to fish in the wilderness. And he put it in my lunch box with my pb&j.
OMG my husband sent me this story with the subject line: “I swear this is something you and Shannon would do.” And I totally agree! This is so hilarious! “Knock, knock…” sounds JUST like Shannon! I am never ever going to stop reading this blog! Love it!
I have been reading your blog religiously – okay maybe on occasion when I’m bored at work or have insomnia- for the past few years. Not knowing your chicken blog had gone viral, I saw it posted as a link on a coworker’s facebook page. I immediately commented how much cooler I thought that person was for making a practice of following your blog, but she just saw it on someone else’s page and re-posted. Way to make me look like an asshole.
Please keep collecting totally random things and someday open up a museum of oddities.
Sounds like something I would have done if I was told “absolutley not to do something”, as if I was child and not earning my own money, Garrett, you are so wrong on this one and I’m pretty sure the issue of money had nothing to do with this story, it could have been a .50 candy bar and not towels — the point is don’t order or demand those you love, maybe asking would have brought a different result but we wouldn’t have had a good laugh today.
This is awesome! I was thinking of buying my husband a really great gift for our 17th, but I seriously want a chicken we can name George! “and I will hug him, and squeeze him, and name him George.” Where can I get one???
New to your blog after seeing this all over Facebook. Hiiiii-larious! Well done, and I hope Beyonce finds his way into Victor’s heart. You should totally sneak him into your bed one night so when Victor rolls over, he’ll be staring right at that fabulous huge red metal head!
OMG!!! That has got to be the funniest thing I have ever read! You have brightened my day 😀 I read it earlier this morning and was still laughing and thinking about it 3hrs later, so I had to come back and read it again. To those who don’t appreciate this kind of fun, pfffft! Got over yourselves and have a laugh for a change 😉 Keep up the good work, I LOVE IT!!!
Having been on the receiving end of this kind of insanity for five years now, it is a testament to the hilarity of this story that I found myself laughing. If nothing else I am glad to know that some other poor bastard has to deal with that kind of cunning, witty, and often funny as hell crap. Soldier on Victor! Your are not alone! I do hope that you eventually come around to some laughs around Beyonce. Cocka-doodle-doo!
Jesus. Where have you been all my life? Don’t mind that person peeping in your windows. It’s just me trying to get closer to you.
Thank you!!! I needed a laugh so hard you cry moment. In this case moments.
I am glad to see so many people still have a sense of humor!
I am glad to see so many people still have a sense of humor! Nothing better than a great practical joke! My husband of 32 years went to a museum warehouse sale with me on Sunday. We are now the proud owners of a water buffalo skull! It is huge! No need to argue about it, God only knows what he would have brought home if I had said no. At least he hung it in the garage and not in the living room! I want a big chicken for my backyard but I bought towels today, they were on sale!
I saw one of those huge chickens today! Made me laugh.
I’m crying from laughter. this is awesome. Really, just awesome. thank you.
I have no idea who y’all are, but i love you. The Great Chicken Adventure Of 2011. Love it.
All I have to say is “Thank you and this wonderful chicken! You have made my day!!! This is wonderful!! I am now addicted to your blog!!!”
This was so funny! Thanks for sharing it!
Couldn’t have been a better story to start my day.
OMG this was just the hilarious I needed tonight! The buying-a-5-foot-chicken conversation is totally the conversation I’d have with my best friend! Clearly what this tells me is that when our friendship grows up to 15 yrs we NEED a 5 foot metal chicken 😛 (To give people a happy, clearly.)
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Oh, silly people. A FEMALE chicken is a HEN. a MALE chicken is a rooster.. Calling this a “chicken” is absolutely correct. Just like a female human is a woman a male human is a man. A female pig is a sow and a male pig is a boar. Loved this. I’ve done stupider things. This is awesome.
I laughed my way through 1300+ of these comments. Saving the other 1000 for a bad day.
I laugh/cried all my makeup off. Must reapply. Thanks for this!
A female CHICKEN is a HEN. A male chicken is a rooster. Calling this a “chicken” is correct, but a terrible understatement.
A merry heart does good like a medicine. This chicken is a gift from God.
Ahahahahah I sure could use one of those this morning!
the rest of that chicken family lives in my woods – they move about slowly and peak out – they came to celebrate our anniversary – they are