The recession comes to Texas

Today I’m leaving for a family vacation to Alaska.  I’ll be in and out, and posting whenever I can, but until then I leave you the picture I just took…

Scenes from the road:

Motherfucker. *Now* where am I supposed to get my furniture & ammo?

185 thoughts on “The recession comes to Texas

Read comments below or add one.

  1. That’s nothing! I just moved from Tx. to Ar. I was driving and saw a goat with a sign tied around it’s neck… The sign said “Horse”. Some one was either really drunk or confused! lol

  2. In Warsaw, Indiana there is a store that’s named “Shoes, Taxes and More”. I never went in there (I can do my own taxes, thankyouverymuch) and I wear I size 12 narrow ladies shoe (clearly I assumed they would not carry THAT size shoe) but I often wondered about the “More”.

  3. It’s the end of the world as we know it. If I can’t get my ammo at the ole furniture store, the whole fucking world is coming to an end. You heard it here first.

  4. Love it! But the mom and pop lost out to the Wal Mart down the street; furniture, ammo and more! Enjoy Alaska, but you know you’re going to miss this 100*+ heat! 😉

  5. If you get to Anchorage, you must dine at Simon & Seafort’s. I’ve never eaten a meal there I didn’t love. If you’re staying at the Captain Cook, the halibut tacos are awesome. Enjoy Alaska! And be sure to take lots of pictures for us!

    Oh, and don’t get eaten by a bear.

  6. And by prime I mean he will probably not want to do it, but you always have the best ideas and eventually, he has to come to realize that you are always a genius, no?

  7. There’s a place around here in western Massachusetts where you can get Polish pottery, kielbasa, and live bait. (On the other hand a friend gets organic free range eggs from her dry cleaner and her dentist).

  8. Haha oh man! This reminds me of a store in a town close to me called Hussey’s! They sell, Groceries, used books, guns, ammo, hunting clothing, ANDDDDD (my favorite) wedding dresses! I’m sure I’m missing a few but you get the idea. Here is their website (yes, of course a little general store called Hussey’s would have a website) http://husseysgeneralstore.com/
    Enjoy 🙂

  9. Why do I picture you coming home with the stuffed head of a bear you killed with your fists?
    p.s. Who will take care of Beyonce when you’re gone?

  10. Is the building for lease, or is the furniture and ammo for lease? Also, if you lease bullets and shoot somebody ON ACCIDENT OBVIOUSLY PEOPLE, can you blame the store because they technically owned your bullets and quite possibly leased them with the intent of the bullets shooting someone someday? And also, what’s the point of leasing bullets? It’s not like anyone can use them again. And also-also, do I really want to lease a chair that somebody probably had a little fun on one Friday night? Or possibly five Friday nights. See? That’s the problem. History: Unclear. I want a furniturefax.

  11. I always have to worry when a gun/ammo store goes out of business. If that guy couldn’t take on the foreclosure man, I don’t stand a chance.

    Of course, I’m in Alabama where we are notorious for our unlikely storefront combinations. I love to shop at Mike’s Ice Cream & Bait Shop.

  12. A distant relative of Nostradamus, now a waterbed salesman at House Of Aquarius, said this was a sign of the apocalypse. I believe he’s got the gift given his success on scratch off lottery tickets.
    Get yo asses to church.

  13. Good goddamn, I love the South. I’m from Arkansas. The town I grew up in had that sold live bait, ammo, liquor, boating supplies, and stamps. There was a church next door and a XXX bookstore just over the river.

  14. They should have also had bait and videos, maybe they could have made the business work. Diversify!

  15. In Florida I saw a bail bond office/ coffee shop – painted pink. It may be cultural because every American I’ve mentioned it to seems to think this is a) not an unreasonable combination and b) about what is expected in Florida.

  16. Does anyone see an Eddie Munster head in the trees there? Seriously, it’s probably a bird but it looks like something undead. Thank God we had that zombie drill!

  17. You’ve obviously never visited Shoes & Booze in Missouri. I’ll take your ammo and raise you hard liquor. Or both. Which would probably put you in Kansas.

  18. Are you seriously coming to Alaska?! I live there/here! I hope you guys have fun, its a beautiful place with lots to do. Unless you hate nature, then you’re kind of screwed…

  19. 1. Are you driving to Alaska? If so, I’d suggest smoking better quality crack.

    2. Please, for the love of all humanity, tell us you packed a mini-Beyonce for photographing purposes.

    3. Have fun. Alaska is awesome!

  20. LOL – It could always be worse. You’d be surprised how many “normal” stores in virginia also sell…

    …Bait.

    Really? You sell beer lottery tickets and dead fish?

  21. Ha. I saw a sign the other day in front of a house (not even a shop or something) that said:

    PANTS $6.00

    I was mighty tempted to stop in and buy some.

  22. Enjoy Alaska. My daughter left the heat from Texas and went to Alaska for a vacation on Wednesday and the high yesterday was 52. Poor baby!

  23. Perhaps a better store will move in. They may carry taxidermied animals, furniture (preferably made out of the taxidermied animals) liquor AND ammo…it is Texas after all. Not even a recession could mess with that!

  24. Gotta love Texas!!! Just like Kevin Fowler sings…”and the sign said ‘Beer Bait and Ammo’ yeah, you ask me they got it all!”

  25. Perhaps the owners have teamed up with the taxidermy & cheese shop in Hudson, Wisconsin.

  26. Alaska! Visit the halibut capital of the world! I promise I won’t try to photobomb your picture of the giant fake halibut on the spit.

  27. there’s a store here in baton rouge that is a used bookstore/pharmacy. i guess the the idea is if you’re ashamed of your prescription med habit, you can buy a cheap book and hollow it out for drug-smuggling.

  28. In Indiana, right next to the place that advertises “creative taxidermy”. Interestingly stuffed “once live” animals, furniture, ammo, all sold in places with large fake animals on display? I think you might call it, “the mall”.

  29. I once passed a sign in our ‘burb that said Beer, Lotto, Donuts. If it had said Mani/Pedis, I would never have to shop at another store again.

  30. Now I wish I had taken a pic of that live-bait vending machine I saw, to go with this. 🙂

  31. I wrote “Bon voyage, motherfucker” on a banana for you. That’s really going to confuse some people in a few hours.

  32. You’re assuming that FURNITURE AMMO is an AND operator, and not a combination of the two. Either we’re talking about a couch that fires ammunition, or something much large that actually USES furniture AS ammunition. I’m thinking of a trebuchet http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trebuchet or similar here. I’ve got a friend of a friend who’s launched flaming pianos into the desert with such a device, so perhaps “Furniture Ammo” is the bouncy castle of the ammunition world.

  33. @Melissa – It’s been way too long since I’ve seen one of those things. My town used to be full of them, then I leave and they decide to take all of them away. Kinda depressing.

  34. When I lived in Dallas, we attended a wedding/guns n’ ammo show. It was delightful.

  35. Do you live in the Austin/Round Rock/Cedar Park area? I could swear I have seen that building before but it could have been something similar.

  36. My mom’s favorite store back home (in N. TX) is Lamps n’ Knives, because you always want to buy the two together!

  37. I grew up near a store that advertised selling “fine art, firearms, and fresh eggs.” Needless to say, I was endlessly impressed with their jack-of-all-trades American initiative and finesse with alliteration. Until I drove by one day and saw a smaller sign for “Baby Kittens” in the window- I mean, if you’re going to go down that alliterative road, couldn’t you at least find some frogs or foxes to sell? Their lack of commitment shocks me to this day.

  38. u will just have to come to my neck of the woods where at our corner store you can pick up your: milk, bread, movies, smokes, liquor, ammo and the local hooker.

  39. Get your ammo here in Alaska. We have plenty. Plus bring a gun; you’ll need it for the bears. We don’t walk back and forth to the elementary school this time of year without a hand gun. And plenty of ammo. Welcome!

  40. In gatlinburg, TN, I once saw a store that said “Fudge Underwear”. Now, upon contemplation, I’m guessing they sell fudge AND underwear, but, then again, it is Gatlinburg, so it may just be fudge underwear. Which, I mean, ew. Or not. I can’t decide…

  41. Girl, everybody is packing heat in Alaska! I went with the pastors wife to take an older lady to the hospital and sitting there in the waiting room, she lifted the edge of her shirt & showed me her gun. I about dropped my teeth! Have fun in Alaska. You will love it, I promise. And watch out for moose. They run a lot faster than you think. Plus the bears are apparently very hungry this summer.

  42. My favourite roadside sign: “Avon Products/Chainsaw Sharpening”
    I assume the chainsaw is required to remove the cosmetics 🙂

  43. Driving through southern Kentucky this morning, I saw a street sign that said “Possum Hollow”. I immediately regretted not wearing my Daisy Dukes with the rope belt and handkerchief halter top.

  44. There used to be a place on the Eastern Shore of MD (where I lived for three years) called the Bites Cafe. The sign said, “Coffee…breakfast…live bait”. I could just imagine what the clientele said to the man behind the counter: “I’ll have a cup of coffee and a cup of bloodworms…and don’t go gettin’ em mixed up…”

  45. We already have lots of ammo and furniture. No need for more. Furniture that is. There is ALWAYS a need for more ammo.
    We store the ammo with the wine because that makes 2 out of 3 for the ATF!

  46. This establishment must have been run very badly because no place that sells ammo EVER goes out of business. Maybe they were heavy on the furniture part.

  47. Hey! I live in Alaska! I hope you have a great time and dry weather while you are here. What parts of our beautiful state will you be visiting?

  48. @zinnderson – I moved to Warsaw, Indiana in 2005 and just recently moved to Fort Wayne. When did this “Shoes, Taxes, and More” exist? My husband and I are completely perplexed that we lived in the same town as such an amazing monument as that and never knew about it!

  49. “That’s nothing! I just moved from Tx. to Ar. I was driving and saw a goat with a sign tied around it’s neck… The sign said “Horse”. Some one was either really drunk or confused! lol”

    Just a sign explaining why the goat’s voice sounded a little rough. Neighborly and helpful, that’s all.

  50. Hee hee… I so laughed when I read that you were going to Alaska.. all I could think of was Sandra Bullock in “The Proposal” and how she said “Alaaaska-a” I could so hear you saying it like that! 🙂

    Hope you and your family have a wonderful vacation! Will miss your daily!

  51. I always love when we drive by the “BYOB” strip club here in Texas.

    I can’t help but wonder if you have to bring your own booze or boobies.

  52. It’s precisely this reason I feel we miss out in England. It’s not so much that I’m pro guns… more pro furniture and ammo stores.

  53. Reminds me of the Quihi Gun and Dance club west of San Antonio. I sure hope that place survived this recession.

  54. I’m pretty sure you’ll find plenty of stores carrying furniture and ammo in Alaska. In fact, with the exception of stores selling liquor and ammo, I’m fairly certain it will the most common retail structure.

  55. Furniture? No problem. Just kill and skin an elk. Each will make a complete living room ensemble.

    As for ammo, just hold up a TEA PARTY MEETING HERE, and charge a bullet per person cover charge.

  56. I didnt know where else to put this link so I’m just gonna put it here and hope that her Royal Bloggess (that could actually sound like her royal bad ass too eh?)
    A museum, with cats, half of which are polydactyl cats, all of which have names that fit in with Jennys cat.

    Viva la difference!!

  57. Ahhh, you’re coming north huh? Well, I just spent a lovely evening sitting outside by my firepit. In long pants, wool socks, and a fleece. At one point I considered getting a pair of gloves. If you’re coming to Fairbanks, give a holler, you too can come sit by the fire and lift a glass.

  58. As some of your other commenters have pointed out, wtf? Are you really driving there? From the road sounds like you’re driving, but I can’t imagine that being worth it. Especially from Texas.

  59. You will be missed. FYI – I have been sharing my daily giggle from you with my husband. I think he is a fan – probably doesn’t read at work…his buddies would give him all kinds of shit if they saw the pink screen.

  60. Also, not many folks know this, but Lone Star Style also was quite the emporium for a special kind of beef jerky. You would have to ask them at the counter, and they will pretend to not know what you’re talking about. It’s like how when I… my friends go to bodega’s in New York City and buy pot. You have to let them know you’re an OK hombre. So after you either show the shop owner, Randy your genitals or put a lit firecracker in your pants, Randy will lift the turnstile and allow you to come into the back room. And once you get back there, you are guaranteed for a treat. You see, Lone Star Style is the finest purveyor of gay beef jerky west of the Mississippi. That’s right beef jerky made from gay cows. In a red state, as you can imagine, those cows live in constant fear they will be found out and run out of town. So every gay cows dream is to one day, end up as some spiced dried meat at Randy’s fine, fine establishment.

  61. Best sign I ever saw years ago, in my home province of New Brunswick, Canada, at a country store in the middle of nowhere: “Congratulations to Earl M. on guessing the weight of the fish.”

  62. Alaska is so beautiful…I’m sure you’ll have an amazing time there. I’m not sure why more stores don’t go with the furniture and ammo combo. It’s way more convenient for the busy shopper.

  63. That is SO funny. Make sure you make it to “Skinny Dicks Halfway Inn” outside Fairbanks 🙂

  64. You get *still* get it at our local liquor and taxidermy shop when you pop in for your lotto tix. Tell them Kris says “hey”…

  65. We drove by a place in NJ last spring selling,
    “Swimming Pools,
    Prom Dresses
    Night Crawlers”

  66. Have a great vacation! Mooses Tooth Pizza (Anchorage, AK) is THE BEST! If they could Fed-Ex some to the east coast I would be ecstatic!

  67. Lone Star Style: For when you got to shoot the shit out some bastard for screwin’ your common-law wife on your lucky futon.

  68. I have to start paying more attention to signs. I bet there’s some really good stuff out there. You have a good eye, obviously.

    Still giggling about the 5 foot metal chicken story.

  69. Okay I’m laughing. and I’m happy because I didn’t know ammo means ammunition…… now I know. I’m so Canadian.

  70. Down in these here parts, Alabama, that is…we love a good one stop shop. My favorite? Betty’s Beauty Parlor & Chainsaw Repair in Birmingham.

  71. warning: i vacationed in juneau, ak 6 years ago from houston. never did make it back to houston…

  72. The fact that you snapped this pic really makes me happy. This is the kind of thing my husband gives me sideways glances about…

    Plus, I’m glad to see that stores like this exist outside of Kentucky. Not really surprised it’s in Texas, though.

  73. Somewhere in north Texas along highway 380, there is (or used to be) a sign that read:

    Guns
    Donuts
    Child care

  74. You are my new hero. I can’t believe you actually live in Austin as well as me! I keep having these daydreams of us sitting together; sipping Texas Martinis, planning world domination, but then I realize I would never recognize you even if I I did have the opportunity to bump into you around town as I tend to be too self-centered to notice my surroundings. Bah humbug.

  75. Lucky for you ammo shops never go out of business here in AK. Just don’t tell anyone you’re from TX…people here kind of have a thing about making fun of Texans.

  76. Where in Alaska will you be going? (wait, does that sound too stalker-ish?) I live in Alaska, so if you need any good sight-seeing suggestions, just let me know! I hope you enjoy it up here!

  77. Well, fuck – that’s what I get for being away from the Intrewebz all weekend and just now getting caught up: Zen Render already made my comment for me. Pianos for those really big trebuchet, dollhouse chairs for slingshots – furniture ammo.

  78. I live in Alaska and adore you. My husband Jerry does not get your humor, but he doesn’t really get mine either. But I TOTALLY get you! So if you are going to be anywhere on the Kenai Peninsula, say, Soldotna, Kenai, Homer, Sterling, Cooper Landing, Seward…. please email me so i can come and meet you. Maybe we can shop the Soldotna Salvation Army or Bishop’s Attic together for a Copernicus of my own. PLEASE! my friends would be so jealous that I got to meet you! (the metal chicken story is revisited many times.) My friend Dawn Walpole in NY even found a pint size version of Beyonce’ and made it her profile pic on FB.
    Anyhoo.. call me 907-252-7213.

  79. We have a ladies shoe store located right in front of the shooting range here. I figured that was so the women folk would have something to keep them entertained while the men folk shoot off their guns. (and I am NOT speaking medaphorically).

  80. When I lived in Florida there was a place that sold clothes, music, and gold teeth…AND they eventually started cutting hair there as well! Now that’s what I call one-stop shopping, ladies!

  81. I am sure you can find ammo and furniture together in Alaska! Just ask Sarah P. She’ll know…

  82. Um, word to the wise from an Alaskan – this is far from the weirdest thing you are going to see! I look forward to seeing my beautiful (and extremely odd) state through your wonderful eyes. Enjoy!!! I do wish you were coming up to Fairbanks! Do let me know if you change your plans.

  83. It has been a bit cool and wet up here (as usual). So pack sweaters. And not to worry, you can buy your guns, ammo, beer and eggs at most of the local supermarkets here in AK 🙂

  84. On my recent trip to Colorado, I found a tattoo/coffee shop. I’d expect something like that here in Tennessee but there?

  85. There is a store here a few hours away from me that sells both shoes and slab bacon. They’re pretty famous for both among the grandparent set in town. Although, it is Mississippi. I’m pretty sure selling ammo is a state requirement.

  86. Finally I get to use the joke:

    “Hey. What happened to The Bloggess?”

    “I don’t know, but Alaska.”

    Thank you. I’ve been holding on to that one WAY too long.

  87. I went all the way to Texas back in June with my gal and the most interesting thing we saw was a t-shirt with a turtle on it saying, “Well, this is awkward.” I guess I should have ventured further outside of Austin city limits.

    Oh, wait, Chicken Shit Bingo. We went to that, which was really quite nifty.

  88. Really? Are you really going to Alaska? Did the Mormon gig get you invited to see Sarah Palin?

    I heard Alaska is really good for women. Or at least the selection is bigger. DO post lots of pics of stuffed animals. DON’T get attacked by any horny moose.

  89. Two words, ya’ll: Craig’s List.

    I lived in AK for 18 months. It’s so pretty, untamed, and full of surly people. xoxo

  90. Remember – “Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms”should be the name of a convenience store chain, not a Federal agency.

  91. I think you need to past a photo of a big metal chicken into this . Actually, I’m envising a whole “where’s Beyonce now?” series….

  92. So, I just found your blog 4 days ago, and I’ve spent everyday since then reading all of your old blog posts. Needless to say, I haven’t done a fucking thing at work…the bad part is, no one really noticed.

  93. I just assumed that in Texas you can buy ammo in any kind of store. Now you are telling me they are only sold with furniture? What a rip-off!

  94. We had a baitshop/restaurant here where I live. The back corner of the baitshop was turned into a little restaurant. It had the best breakfast in town until the owner went to jail for turning his own electricity back on after it being turned off for non-payment.

  95. Guess “Wally World” is a good alternative. Here my smaaallll town we have a truck rental and sun tan establishment and a Canoe rental and UPS store. Just love those combo places!

  96. OH, almost forgot the best one. The county airport and bait store. Believe it. It’s true. Wish I had photos to share. Should get on that.

  97. I hope you have a wonderful family reunion! It’s raining a lot, but it’s still beautiful here in Alaska this time of year! 🙂

  98. Dear Jenny, Just so you know, you are now famous in Alaska as I shared your “Chicken” blog with all of the girls. It would be fun to meet you…my son owns two of the best restaurants in Anchorage…Hott Stixx and Hott Stixx downtown. So…now that you are famous…we would love to meet you! Alaska is incredible but can’t wait to hear the stories you’ll share about your adventures. Enjoy and get in touch if you find yourself in Anchorage. Vickie

  99. HA! Boy would you find a lot of signs to photograph here in southwestern Virginia~ It’s almost as entertaining as West Virginia!!

  100. Perhaps it furniture that doubles as ammo, or furniture made of ammo. You’re gonna want to have furnished you’re house at this store when the zombie apocalypse comes.

  101. I just returned from visiting Texas, where I grew up. So hot, so poor, so in need of a little govt support to hang in there….yet from there emerges Perry. The sad irony….

  102. Do you think we can coordinate your “vacations” with my “work from h*ll” weeks so they don’t correlate? I seriously need some of your sarcastic, hilarious wisdom and the old stuff just isn’t getting me through this week.

  103. I bought an outdoor sofa at that store and the ammo came with it as a promotional treat. Now I sit outside in the morning and shoot game. And anything that annoys me. The neighbors aren’t too happy, but with food prices the way they are they don’t whine too much when I give them paper wrapped packages of venison, turkey or squirrel. At least that’s what I tell them is inside. I was really surprised with Mrs. Murphy when she told me that her collie Muffy, tasted like chicken.

  104. Jenny—have you ever looked yourself up on Spokeo.com? Don’t worry I haven’t looked you up—I don’t know what town you live in——I’m asking after having looked up myself, my husband, my kid, my parents, my neighbors, etc, etc, etc, It’s actually rather spooky how much they “knew” about me. But at least there’s a way to get them to delete your info from their site. It’s very clear that computer “cookies” get more action than we ever imagined. It’s also nice to know that they think my house is worth WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more than it really is. I deleted myself and my husband before I realized it would have been a lot more fun to have “corrected” my info instead and told it to say things like I make $2650 a year and live in an $8,000,000 house and my religion is Hari Krishna and I collect “dead things” and cat testicles and art made of human snot. Anyway, look yourself up and have some fun with it, when you’re suffering from insomnia sometime! Love ya!

  105. The problem was, they didn’t diversify enough. Now, if they had been selling bait and ice cream, too, they might have had a chance.

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