I hurt too much to think of a clever title for this.

I’m home!  And alive!  Mostly.

I have many stories to share, but I’m far to high to write them now because my last night in Alaska I had such an terrific rheumatoid arthritis attack that I was fairly sure I was going to die.  At around midnight the cruise ship med staff wheeled me to the ship doctor, who pumped me full of so many things that they had to use the veins in both arms and my hands, and now I look like a heroin addict who doesn’t even know how to do heroin properly.  After the first dose of drugs I started to feel less screamy and more woozy, and I thought I was passing out but it turns out that they’d neglected to lock the wheelchair I was in, and so when a large wave made the ship go sideways my wheelchair took off on it’s own and I screamed down the hall and crashed into a wall.  It was a lot like if Jesus had taken the wheel and was trying to kill me.  I can only assume this was my punishment for throwing my daughter at a wild bear earlier that week, but in my defense, I thought it would make a great picture.  More of that later when I sober up and am not in an abject amount of pain.

**********

And, on a blissfully whine-free note, it’s Monday – which means I’m only two weeks and a day late for my weekly wrap-up:

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • Nothing really, because I’ve been on vacation.  But I will say how furiously happy it made me to see so many people at Blogher taking pictures of their desk-sized Beyonce, as if it was the new Flat Stanley.

What you missed on the internets:

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by the folks at Hillshire Farm. They make some bad-ass meat. Also, they’re owned by Sara Lee so it’s only a matter of time before they come out with some sort of ham stuffed with cheesecake. Thanksgiving just got more delicious.  You’re welcome, America.

142 thoughts on “I hurt too much to think of a clever title for this.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Arthritis is no laughing matter… Until it is. And the vision of you, all drugged up and out of it, rolling helplessly across a ship in a busted ass wheelchair? That made my Monday. For this I humbly thank you.

  2. I think I will literally LAUGH OUT LOUD the next time I hear Carrie Underwood croon “Jesus take the wheel…” Hilarious!
    Wait… I shouldn’t be laughing too much at your pain. Shame on me. Hope you get to feeling better, soon.

  3. I have a few in-laws I may send on a cruise for that wheel chair fun ride. Either that or the bear toss thingy. I’m not picky about how they get their aches and pains.

    Get better soon!

  4. I’m sure if you chose to do heroin you would be great at it, don’t let the doctor ruin your street cred.

    Perhaps victor should outfit your wheelchair with rims or provide you with a set of grillz.

  5. Really wishing you the best and hope you start feeling better very soon! We missed you this week, but your Tweets was awesome as always. You’re not alone, I’ve wanted to throw my child at a wild bear before . . .photo op not required.

  6. I’ve often thought of throwing my kids to wild animals, but then, I feel sorry for the animals! 🙂
    So glad you and your daughter survived and you’re here to tell about it. I hope you feel better soon!

  7. Are you sure Mel Brooks didn’t have something to do with your Alaskan trip? Or maybe the filmmakers behind “Airplane”?

    In other news, you are awesome.

    Charlie

  8. I did not know it could become a wheelchair worthy flare that fast. Holy shit. I was diagnosed in 2008. Uh, little scared now.

  9. So sorry you’re in pain. But thank god the pain waited until your last day in Alaska. Jesus waited to steer your wheel chair into a wall until the end of your trip so kudos to him for that. He could have been a little more subtle, though.

  10. Ew. I was on family vacation last week too – and ready to complain about it to the world. But I think yours ended worse than mine… I only had OTC drugs and lots of booze to dull the mental pain (no actual physical pain) so I feel blessed! Welcome back!

  11. Sorry your RA flared so nastily. But at least it waited to the end of the trip.

    I give Sears two thumbs up. It’s about time they joined the 21st century. People want more to buy more than riding lawnmowers and tidy whities these days.

  12. Wait, you are NOT supposed to distract the bears with small children? Huh. Who knew?

    Boats and wheelchairs without locks doesn’t seem… prudent? I hope it was at least fun for three or four seconds, like a carnival ride without the carnies.

  13. I’m sorry to hear about your agony….yuk….but I can’t say I’m sorry to hear about your wheel chair (or was it Jesus?) trying to kill you on a ship no less that made me LOL to pen an incredibly over-used phrase (technically not to pen though is it otherwise you’d have a letter in your hands right now) Anyway can’t wait to hear about you throwing your daughter at a wild bear…reminds me of my thought today about asking my 2yo old to hit my 11 mth old on the head with a golf club (plastic not metal) again so I could instagram it (Luckily it remained a thought)…aren’t you glad you’re not alone….
    NIcole x

  14. I had to go to cruise ship doctor one time. He was stoned out of his mind and gave me a BAGGIE of Percocet to take “when I felt like it”.
    Needless to say, ALWAYS visit the ship doctor.
    Perhaps doctor should be in quotes?

  15. I hope you feel better Jenny. I can’t wait to hear all about your trip when you are done with your high. 😉

  16. Oh bloody hell. I was born with RA – it’s total dogshit. What really helped me was hydrotherapy – not sure if you’ve been offered that, or if you get offered things like that in the US (I’m British), but it really helped me. If there’s not a hydro pool near you, borrow someone’s jacuzzi and do some physiotherapy in it. No word of a lie. Gentle stretches + warm water = happy joints.

  17. Oh you’re back even AFTER the wheelchair indecent? For chrissake, I told the guy to make it look like an accident but it still has to WORK. Cancelling his check.

  18. That’s incident not indecent. Stupid spelling checker thing. Though I suppose murder is indecent in some states. Not Alaska though.

  19. Okay I can really appreciate this blog because like 2 years ago my doctor said, “You have elevated RH factor.” Which I guess is nothing like PH factor. I think, my only prior experience with PH factor is measuring chlorine in our pool in Texas. But RH factor is an indication of possibly having rheumatoid arthritis but the rheumatoid doctor said not to worry because if I have it, it’s probably the lesser of two devils hahaha? So then I just stopped going to any of those doctors and my index finger isn’t swollen anymore after cortisone shot so I’ve just been ignoring it. BUT it’s very good to know there is a lighter side to rheumatoid arthritis in the event I have it.

  20. I hope you’re feeling better now. You certainly haven’t lost your sense of humor in spite of the rheumatoid arthritis, which is no laughing matter.

  21. I feel incredibly bad for laughing at your arthritis but you made me do it. I hope you feel better and I can’t wait to see the Hailey getting eaten by a bear picture.

  22. Wow, that sounds horrible, and I hope you feel better soon. On the bright side, you’ve helped advance medical science by demonstrating that being thrown against a wall is not an effective treatment for rheumatoid arthritis.

  23. You poor thing! It’s bad enough to be in that kind of pain and then they tried to kill you on top of that! Travelling kicks my ass too, I got home from my cruise though before my fibromyalgia decided to rear its ugly head. Pain isn’t fun for any of us and I know I don’t get any of the “fun” drugs that you do 🙂
    I do hope you are feeling better.

  24. About thinking of a title: do what I do and choose the best sentence from the post and use it as the title.

    For this particular post: It was a lot like if Jesus had taken the wheel and was trying to kill me

    Perfect title, eh?

    Glad you’re back safely.

  25. I have missed the hell out of you! So glad you are back. Thanks for my REAL LOL of the day!
    Hope you are feeling better soon.

  26. Ah Jenny, you know how to make a Monday more bearable! Oops no pun intended! Feel better soon. Smooches…

  27. Feel better. And know that you rolling across the ship in a wheelchair is full of the kind of awesome we’ve all come to expect. I like to say that if the damage isn’t permanent, the story is worth it.

  28. Did you type this out with your mind or did you manage to coerce Victor to type this out? Somehow I think the former is more likely than the latter. What does that say about Victory? Huh, Victor? No don’t open your mouth. Don’t want you to drop the egg.

  29. I cannot help but wonder why the elephant is listed as “exotic”. Is it the exotic animal it is meant to resemble or the nature of the attire? Either way, huzzah for Sears! Welcome to the sex-forward generation that celebrates furries!

  30. I had no idea you have RA. Wow. I know I should say I am so sorry, but you are the poster child for not letting a debilitating illness get in your way, so all I can think is “amazing.’ Also, you have given me the best visual of Doc from the Love Boat giving you the good stuff (probably got it from Isaac)- and I am desperately hoping life imitates art in this situation.

    welcome back! you were missed.

  31. Hearing about your sucky doctors visit and subsequent attempted mixer by Jesus just made this gyno visit a whole lot better

  32. Do I feel a little bit guilty for laughing at the thought of you being tossed into a wall while you were strapped in a wheelchair? Not really. Because if the tables were turned, I know you’d be laughing you ass off!

  33. Why couldn’t you stop that wheelchair on your own? Did they have you strapped in and muzzeled like Hannibal Lechter? Actually, I could see why they might do that…

  34. OH.EM.GEE.
    You are hilarious.
    I, too, suffer from RA and a whole mess of crap and there really is nothing to do but laugh and drink through it.
    Hope you feel better soon!

  35. I’ve got the RA too…it sure does suck…a lot! But kudos to youdos for your fun loving take on what can only be described as a sucktacular moment!

  36. Oh, honey. You make me laugh out loud with your blog but I know you are experiencing horrible pain. My wonderful, beautiful sister-in-law has RA and suffers quite a bit with it. I’m sure you don’t want to hear how brave you are, but tough. YOU ARE BRAVE.

  37. Oh lord, how could they have possibly forgotten to lock your wheel chair. On a ship. I’m sorry for admitting I laughed at that one. A lot. Glad you are feeling a little better though and I can’t wait to hear more of your vacation stories!!

  38. OK. So my (19 yo) son, who went to school in Vancouver last year, informed me yesterday of the Grolar bear. Part Grizzley/part Polar Bear. What do you think?

  39. I’m sorry for your RA attack, but it’s given me plenty of funny tweets to read & now this post, so I appreciate you taking one for the team. We are not laughing at you but with you? I think I’m suppose to say something along those lines.
    Feel better… but make a few more posts before the meds run out!

  40. I have been showing anyone and everyone who will LISTEN: how to make that phone penis.

    I wont’ do it here, but oh HOW TEMPTED I AM.

  41. Holy hell, woman! I’m glad you made it out of Canada alive. Those Canucks *seem* all nice and helpful, eh, but they’re lean, mean killing machines. I can hear them now, “Oh, did I forget to set the brake, eh? Oh, golly, I’m so sorry!” Yeah, well, your Canadian asses better be sorry for almost killing one of our most beloved biatches!

  42. I do believe you were on the same cruise as my grandparents! They wrote me an email describing a woman having to have medical attention on the ship, small world. Hope you’re feeling better!

  43. Oh to be blessed with your sense of humor!! You are so lucky… seriously. : ) Am waiting with baited breath for the bear and daughter story. Sounds like a great photo op to me, too.

  44. I am a new reader but both thrilled and frightened that I found you…at this rate, I may NEVER find a job (if I keep reading your past posts) That said, sorry you weren’t feeling well on your trip…some bad luck with the wheelchair — where the F*** is Julie McCoy when you need her?

  45. How do I fake one of these rheumatoid arthritis attack? You know… just in case I run out of my normal cocktail.

  46. I hope you feel better soon. Perhaps the ride down the hall in the wheelchair was to see if you needed more pain meds or not. If you were too out of it to scream, you would be adequately medicated. Its how I determine pain levels with all my patients, the heck with that boring 1-10 pain scale! Can’t wait to hear about the child-bear-throw thing.

  47. oh no, i made a smart ass comment on twitter about you being on pain pills like me b/c you were attacked by a bear, now i feel awful. i’m sorry that you feel bad. but i do have to say the part about the wheelchair made me belly laugh. and since i’m pretty sure you were going for that i don’t feel bad. 🙂 feel better soon!

  48. Thank goodness you’re back! I had no way to procrastinate at work because every time I clicked on your blog there were no new updates. This forced me to get way too much work done! I’m looking forward to getting little done, while laughing tons now that you’re back! Oh, and I hope you feel better soon!

  49. How awful to have such a flare on vacation? I have RA too. Aren’t you on any treatment? Thanks for making me pee my pants!

  50. I’ve got AS (ankylosing spondylitis) so I totally understand about the pain & inflammation and the weird-ass way it can just sort of rise up and attack out of nowhere and smack the hell out of you for no apparent reason.

    Best therapy by far? Laughter. The largest dose possible, as often as possible. That’s one of the reasons I like to pop in here–to get my laughter fix.

    I think the trick for us achy-breaky people is to do exactly what you’re doing–finding humor where others might only recognize and zero in on the angst.

    A big thumbs up on this post. Here’s hoping you feel better soon and that Jesus passes Drivers Ed before your next encounter. 🙂

    –Susan

  51. I am a new commenter, but been a reader for quite some time. My boss and I split the cost of our very own desk sized Beyonce’ (because my boss is NOT a douche canoe) and we made her the unit’s mascot. We bring her to trainings, she shows up on co-workers desks demanding forms, and I think today she might have fired someone. Not sure if that was an authorized firing or not – you can never tell with Beyonce’. She’s all into policies now.

  52. so, as a first grade teacher, i have to say that i hate flat stanley, so your comment about beyonce being the new flat stanley had me cracking up! beyonce is so much better than flat stanley!

  53. My son once ended up with his head in the mouth of a bear.

    It was tame and it was in a cage, and the reality is he just wanted the kid’s Mountain Dew, but it is a great story. Which by the way is entirely true, I had to hear it from 3 different people before I really believed it myself, but the kid’s head really was in the mouth of the bear.

  54. I read your comment about “simponi injections, meth and steroids” with the word “math” instead of meth. So, it sucks that you’re having such a hard time right now, but at least you’re not doing math.

  55. Whew, I am glad you’re alive. And I am hoping the mostly bit means what I think it means – zombie transformation. Finally!

  56. I hope you feel better soon Jenny. Sending lots of love your way.
    I really suggest you read articles by Dr Mercola. He is a total genius and his health information is the best out there. Recently suggested to my friend who has RA to read it and she has started trying the things suggested with great results.
    Much luv xoxo

  57. Ah the wonders of drugs… They make the world such a beautiful place, especially when it’s actually crappy… I’m considering becoming a drug addict, it sounds like fun.

  58. I found your blog about a week ago and have spent every spare moment since finding it catching up on previous posts. I just finished the last one and now have nothing left to read. Thank you for making me laugh and at some points cry. You are inspiring and hilarious!

    P.S. Douche Canoe, best phrase ever!

  59. I think we’re a few days off from each other, but man, I kind of enjoy imagining you were on the same cruise we just honeymooned on. Really, I like imagining anyone else on the cruise who might use swear words in casual conversation. I felt like I was wearing a muzzle trying to be polite at breakfast everyday.

  60. Oh my gosh….I cant believe that about the wheelchair but you had me “rolling” reading it! Glad you are back home safe and sound even if you do look like a heroin addict

  61. I can’t imagine what your punishment from Jesus would’ve been had the bear eaten your daughter. I feel like that wheelchair would’ve gone flying overboard, so consider yourself lucky! 🙂

  62. Oh wow. Really, I’m sorry. But oh my god I can’t stop laughing. Not to worry, I’m equally useless in real-live disasters. Get better soon. Oh, and it’s time to kick that shit. Heroin is so 60s.

  63. Your sick . Ok. Not how to have fun ? Easy – be a pain in the ass for everyone, calling others for little dumb shits like water and food, and vomit ! I do this every time am sick and it works great. Really adds something special to treatment 😉

  64. OMG, you poor thing! I saw RA on Twitter and didn’t know what it was, but didn’t want to bug you. AND getting slammed into a wall. Good Lord. I hope you get much, much better RIGHT away.

    Hm, silver lining…. being in pain burns lots of calories?!?

    xo

  65. I hope you’re feeling better and I hope the rest of your family made it back safely with you…. you said YOU got back home but no mention about the daughter…. Hmmmm…. hey think about it, that photo with the bear was probably awesome and once in a lifetime. Sometimes you just got to takes chances by the horns – like when you can get a fantastic shot of your daughter with a bear!

    BTW, what cleans out blood good? Just wondering.

  66. You, dear Bloggess, are responsible for nearly killing my entire family this weekend. Yep. Here’s how: I learned early on in my relationship that, when my husband is driving, I am NOT to gasp excitedly about ANYTHING (a pedestrian’s super cute electric blue high heels, iPhone news that a celebrity has died (Amy Winehouse?!!), cows humping in a nearby field–nada) because it gives him a heart attack and makes him swerve the car. Most of the time, I can control myself. But on Saturday, as hubby drove past a GIANT Beyonce sitting outside a mega-grocery store, I decided it was worth the risk to my life and the lives of my two small children and half-gasped, half-screamed. I was SO. Freaking. Excited. He was SO. Freaking. Annoyed. Still totally worth it!

    With this latest post I have decided that you’ll also be responsible for me (once again?) offending my super-conservative religious neighbors/extended family members because I’ll probably crack up and snort Coke (a Cola) up my nose the next time someone plays the Carrie Underwood Jesus song.

    Feel better! Glad you survived to share.

  67. Jesus really should lock all wheelchairs on ships automatically when he makes the waves go. I mean, he could do that, right? How hard could it be?

  68. Does the ship have security cameras? It would be well worth it bribing them for video of you in the get-away wheelchair me thinks.

  69. “I’m on simponi injections, meth and steroids. It works sometimes.

    Meth! I believe you mean methotrexate; meth is short for Methamphetamine and you would be totally wired.

    Did you catch my twitter comment re: Curcumin and TNF-alpha? http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9439980
    TNF-alpha is the inflammatory agent that Simponi targets!

    May be worthwhile supplementing between treatments.

  70. You put a funny spin on it – but the little bit of arthritis I have attacking my joints…that sounds horrible. Enjoy the drugs for as long as you can.

  71. Ahhhhhh, the phone penis!! My FWB sent me a phone penis last week. I text back and said, “What is that suppose to be?” He said, “I guess it’s a penis.” Haha! What will they come up with next?

  72. You threw your kid at a bear and you look like a heroin addict. I think Good Mom/Bad Mom is about to get really interesting.

    Feel better!

  73. I have RA too and I have suffered a sneak attack like you had on your vacay. Just suck down the drugs sister. Tomorrow sonething else will hurt.

  74. I just met you at Blogher. I have RA too, and I figure the only thing its good for is one up man ship when hanging out with the elderly. Whenever I have a flare someone always wants to give a strong, manly kind of handshake, and after I scream and fall to my knees, I pop up and say, ” good to meet you too. I see you’ve been working out with the hand grips.”

  75. Hi Jenny, I’m so glad your back! Sorry to hear about the RA flare-up that blows:-) while I’m so happy your back, my Otherhalf rolled his eyes, he was not amused, he was pretty upset someone f—ed with his bananas:-)

  76. This has nothing to do with what you just posted but I promise I did read it all.
    I don’t know if you get notified somehow by ninjas or something when someone mentions your blog but I did mention it on mine. Which probably makes no difference sine I’m pretty sure no one reads my blog seeing as that I just started it and am already failing and keeping it up to date. But yeah I stumbled on to your blog and am hooked on it. I’ve been going back and reading all your old posts. I am fully updated on James Garfield and other crazy things. I feel like i sound like a weird crazy stalker person but I’m not… well at least the last part.
    Okay well that’s all.

  77. To My Lovely Jenny,

    How do you do it? How do you stay positive in the face of so much..so much? I really admire you and what I assume are your superhuman coping abilities. Any advice for someone hanging onto the edge by their fingertips? I was recently diagnosed diabetic with high cholesterol. I have an anxiety disorder. I cry nearly all the time when I’m alone or stare blankly into space. I don’t enjoy doing anything, not anymore. I feel like there is a huge black monster inside of me punching himself a new home in my chest. I hurt. I hurt all the time. I’m bawling as I type this. I feel…like a burden, useless, responsible for everything that goes wrong even when it’s not my fault. And Angry. I’m angry. I’m ANGRY. How do you deal? I don’t think I can look one more freaking pill in the face, or one more damn doctor.

    (You can do this. Just keep breathing and see someone. Medications help. If it wasn’t for anti-depressants I don’t know where I would be. You will be okay. Promise. ~ Jenny)

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