After I found my missing cat last week, I took down the have-you-seen-this-cat sign that I’d pinned on the neighborhood message board. The space looked bare so I replaced it with another bulletin, which I expected would be trashed immediately. I was wrong.
The bulletin board today:
“This is why it’s important to put collars on all of your pets.” Awesome.
And that’s why I love my neighborhood.
287 thoughts on “It’s hard to rattle Texans.”
Read comments below or add one.
Just perfect. In every way.
Your neighbors are WAY COOLER than mine.
I need to fucking move to Texas. Wait a minute…no I don’t…
Large snakes make great housepets if you don’t mind being digested.
I don’t, so my snakes and I get along great.
Of course your neighborhood is like this. Of course. I want to be your neighbor.
Wow! In New York, we only have missing cockroaches. And rats. Now I feel deprived. ):
I can relate to the rattle snake. I’m a little “bitey” today, too.
I want to live there.
This makes free chicken fingers pale in comparison…
Dude. Your neighbors are the best. Can I move in with you? I’m moving in with you.
Oh, this makes me very happy. You seem to live among your people.
My neighbors turned on their heels in my driveway and left ON HALLOWEEN because of our Obama sign in 2008. I kind of hate our neighborhood. We had good candy, too. IT’S UNAMERICAN TO TURN DOWN CANDY.
Bitey. Excellent. Is this how you are planning your death by rattlesnake?!
This is beyond awesome.
ROFL! I think there is an card in our Bolderdash game that has the right answer of “snakes, wearing respirators, on a treadmill”. The visual of a collar on a rattler, though I find it terrifying, makes me laugh… No wonder it’s “VERY ANGRY”
BAhahaha! could they really be serious?? Please tell me you posted an equally hilarious response…
Oh, that’s my rattlesnake! Sorry. And his name is Ignacious.
Wonder if this will work in my neighborhood. Going to try it and let you know. 🙂
As someone living in Texas, I’m not surprised by this. Texans are unlike anyone else.
If you’ve never been to the rattlesnake roundup in Sweetwater, Texas, that’s probably why you never died from a rattlesnake bite. But seriously, you should go there. To the roundup. Unless you are scared of millions of venomous snakes. Or prone to dying from their bites. Other than that, it’s a great day out with the kids and paramedics. Oh, and they taste like chicken. Wrapped around a scorpion.
Haha! “Very bitey” I love this. Thanks for making me smile. 🙂
I feel like there is a great TShirt idea lurking behind the comment ” This is why it’s important to put collars on your pets” but can’t quite visualize what the picture would be to go with that caption … unless maybe Copernicus strangling something?
Your neighborhood rocks.
Silly Bloggess, you didn’t check the snake’s collar! It will be easy to get him home now 🙂 Or maybe micro chips are more in use with the reptilian kind…
You should microchip, too. But, microchipping a rattle snake from a bad home may have dire consequences. And, sometimes, if rattlesnakes come from a bad home, it’s a good thing they don’t have collars on because when someone responds to the found flyer, you have the option of saying that you don’t think the rattlesnake you found is their rattlesnake. I’ve only rescued dogs and cats, but I’m pretty sure it all works the same for rattlesnakes. This is also what happens when you let your rattlesnakes off-leash.
I think you need to empower the rattlesnake instead of just calling it “bitey” lmao.
Your part of Texas is way more fun than my part of Texas. No fair. I’m telling the husband tonight we are moving.
I would totally live in Texas if it was in Canada
This proves my theory that just because someone has a big hat or big hair doesn’t mean they can’t be witty. Nicely done, random Texan.
That smacks of Austin. 😉
Love it! “This is why it’s important to put collars on all your pets.” Especially the “bitey” ones 🙂
For about a month on the lamppost across from my house there was a sigh that read “Found Doberman with a number to call. Under that sign was that read “Lost Doberman” with a picture of a Doberman on it with a number on it to call. Now I really want to give these people the benefit of the doubt, but I still think that the second people where like “Damn if we went to Kinkos and we are putting these signs up.” the signs stayed up until we got a good rain. It was during the summer and I live in south central Texas. It drove me crazy for a long time.
I just want you to know that my bff is throwing me a Beyonce themed party next weekend. She is building a cardboard replica (to scale) for photograph purposes. There will be pictures. and dino shaped chicken nuggets to eat.
Well, it’s no fucking wonder he’s angry and bitey. I’d be angry and bitey, too, if someone named me “Tiberios”. Or “Tiberius”.
I totally pictured one of those foam snakes you can get at carnivals that are attached to a metal coat hangers and you can walk around making them wiggle. But that would probably just piss the snake off even more. Its too hot to go for walks in Texas.
A collar on a rattlesnake is mean. Seriously, how could he eat?
Please please please put up an ad that says “for sale: rattlesnake harnesses (awesome rock band name if anyone is starting one btw)
you have the handwriting of a serial killer. or someone who lost their cat for awhile. you decide.
I don’t know any of my neighbours (I’m the antisocial type) and usually the only thing missing around here are dogs and cats, but one time on my way in to work I was stopped by a whole herd of horses blocking the road!
Tiberious is doing time in Huntsville. They caught him in my neighborhood selling snake oil!
“Tiberios”? What kind of name is that, besides one for a breakfast cereal made from oats sifted in the Tiber river?
You’re hilarious. My jokes are not.
That’s just freakin awesome!
Next note: “Rattlesnakes slither out of collars. Better staple it on next time.”
My uncle used to have some snakes and he would take them for walks down the street….he just held onto their tail and let them slither ahead of him.
But that was in CA. Maybe he was originally from TX….I could totally see that happening here.
@Kande – made me think of a totally awesome Halloween costume for like a dog or something…..a Copernicus that attaches to the collar…maybe with a sign with the unfinished strangle caption on it…..
I need to find a dog to borrow…..
Actually, they tried to serve me rattlesnake sausage Monday night at Rodizio Grill Brazilian Steakhouse. Tell this story to Tiberios, you know, as an object lesson about being less bitey.
i have nothing funny to say because the only thing i can think of is…if there were rattlesnakes getting loose ANYWHERE i live, i’d move. i’m just saying.
It’s like you’re always in the right place at the right time.
If found, go ahead and keep him. He was an asshole anyway.
BAWAHAHA!! Now that IS hilarious! You obviously have readers in the neighborhood….I mean, how else would someone know to put such an awesome response on the poster? I heart your neighbors.
You need to do more of these!
Instead of a collar, I think the snake should be tatooed. My collie can get out of a collar, so a snake would have no problem. But a belly tatoo would be perfect! Just flip that puppy over and call the owner.
The assholes that run our POA would probably throw us out for posting something like this… which makes me want to do it even more.
Oh, and if the snake answers to “Hrothgar” then I know who he belongs to…
You’re my neighbor, aren’t you? Crap, I knew I needed to move from this trailer park 😉
I can’t see that going over well in my hood. These people are a bit uppity. And we don’t have rattlesnakes naturally. So I could see this causing a very interesting panic.
Fuck it. I think I am putting this sign up on our complex bulletin board.
Oh, that’s just funny. Our neighborhood doesn’t even HAVE a bulletin board. Living in the country will cause that.
Oh man, this weekend my hubby and I saw a sign (on Long Island) that said “FOUND: WILD TURKEY…HIGHLY DOMESTICATED.” But there was only one copy. We didn’t want to take it and prevent the guy from finding his proper home (hopefully not someone’s thanksgiving table).
If that sign appeared in my neighborhood everyone would lock up their children and we’d have an emergency block watch meeting called. And no, block watch is not a euphemism for hey grownups…let’s all get drunk without our kids being around.
This ‘Found Rattlesnake’ sign is going to become like the chicken isn’t it? Rattlesnakes signs everywhere. Better yet, five foot, metal rattle snake signs.
Are you sure you don’t have multiple personalities? That bulletin board looks like a conversation you might be capable of having with yourself after a few wine slushies.
And there I have been thinking that Texans were the sanest of American states, but you are all bloody nutters…. more of the same please!
Exactly what your store was missing … snake collars! Genius !
It’s a TRULY wonderful day in the neighborhood. *claps*
I believe that’s what they call “handling a situation with aplomb”.
Brilliant – thanks for sharing!
Very “bitey” isn’t so bad… now, if he was having a “hissy fit” that would be a completely different story…
That is awesome.
How do you tell an angry rattlesnake from a pretty chill rattlesnake? Just curious…
Animals without shoulders cannot be considered pets. Shoulders are necessary.
Well of course someone would be mourning the loss of their pet, Ouchy Bleedy. He’s very cuddly when never touched or disturbed, and he does make that charming purring noise.
That’s it. I need to move.
That went poorly. That was gonna be a Startrek joke but now I sound like Wang Chung minus the Wang and the Chung and the Tonight.
Why do i not live where you live You are so awesome i <3 u
As an animal rescuer I cannot tell you how angry it makes me when people don’t ID their pets. I mean a collar and ID tag is soooo easy and won’t cost more than $10! A lifetime microchip can be bought for $20 and there are no fees to update your information when you move or get a new phone number. If this person had chipped their Rattlesnake you wouldn’t be inconvenienced by trapping and providing dinner for a week until the dead beat shows up.
Another reason why I’ll never leave Texas…
You live in an area perfect for you. But if I lived in an area where rattlers just wandered aimlessly, due to irresponsible pet owners? I’d LOSE MY SHIT.
Wait! All is not lost! http://www.alibaba.com/product-gs/349418665/Snake_Collar.html
AND…you can get up to 150,000 pieces per month!
I love it when people have no idea what they are talking about.
Honey badger could put the hurt on that snake. Honey badger don’t care.
How awesome is this? My neighbors are definitely not as cool.
Bitey 🙂 Ok, but the way to solve the snake collar issue is simple, get some of that sticky velcro stuff and put it around the snake’s neck then velcro the collar as well, and viola` you have a snake in a collar that’s not going to come off if you use a good strength of velcro…yep I’m at work…yep this was way more interesting that what I should be doing…
Man. I need funner neighbors.
Wow, you actually still have physical bulletin board, made out of…um…hemp looks like. Ooookay. We have a neighborhood List Serve. Neighbors are great but I don’t know how they would react to laying on a little snark, plus you would leave an obvious source ID. Anyway, I just loved the “dialogue”.
Awesome! It must be so refreshing to know that everyone is just as crazy as you! I love you!
It’s like you just attract all of the fun people. Could you please share some with the rest of us?
Your neighbors are awesome. Mine are dicks. Can I move in with you? I am an excellent babysitter/cook. Just saying.
@Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) – the pretty chill ones don’t bite you.
One time when I was young and living at home (in small town North Texas) we got a note in our mailbox from an anonymous neighbor about our cat. (She was an outdoor cat – that’s what you do in small towns in TX when it’s basically the country) It read, “I let your cat in. She is very hungry and lonely”. Well duh, if you’re going to open your door and offer the cat food, she’s going to come in! Ever since then, we combine this note and the Kim Jong Il song from Team America together. “That cat is so roooooneryyyyyy!”
My neighbors are pretty cool…but not THAT cool!
Part of me wants to say, “Now, why can’t I live in Texas?” The rest of me just doesn’t.
Ooh. Found an ACTUAL snake collar! http://www.patentgenius.com/patent/6490999.html But I don’t think rattlesnakes like to be collared. Especially the angry ones.
Someone recently put up fliers in the elevators in our condo building that said “FOUND Large Parrot, Am Keeping, Have renamed Bruce, But seriously if this is your parrot call Ryan.” My husband’s name is also Ryan. So now everyone thinks we put up the sign and I totally fine with that.
You neighbors are Phenom. This is why Texas is the best. Except my neighbors who don’t have any southern hospitality. And I actively avoid because they are rude and or creepy and or obnoxious with the stupid train model they built that they enjoy very much to blare the horn of. Constantly
That. Is. Awesome.
I would call up and go all viral video on the guy who found the snake. “Snaaaaaaaaaaake! Snakey snake!” =)
That is awesome.
Freaking hilarious! Just another day in da hood!
Lo-Jack that “Very Bitey” thang!
Your neighbors are so cool. Mine covered our mailboxes in BBQ sauce yesterday.
OMG!! I just had the mental picture of a rattle snake crawling around with it’s collar and bell!! Thanks I needed that laugh today.
OMFG that is EPIC.
I would pay to watch someone put collars on rattlesnakes.
Not a lot mind you, but something.
Probably in paperclips – I have a lot of those.
Now I want a rattlesnake with a collar. I’d totally bling it out with diamonds because I think some snakes want to feel pretty, too.
A very bitey rattlesnake sounds totally legit in Texas. If that sign were in West Virginia it would read found: half man half sheep half cousin twice removed.
There is hope for the world…yet
LOL – Now I feel compelled to put up a “lost rattlesnake sign” anonymously at the complex where I live… where everyone has small dogs and cats…. I think I’ll include a picture of a very large snake in an aquarium to make it look realistic…. and if my neighbors ask me about it, I’ll just shrug it off and say, “Yeah, I thought I heard something yesterday in the bushes”
If this was in MY neighborhood in Kentucky….the cops would be coming door to door for handwriting samples…NO ONE wants to have fun anymore.
And to person that said to *staple* the collar to the snake….I just bought a front row ticket.
Tiberios may have gone on the lam from Central Florida. A couple of people got bitten this week and authorities can’t find the suspect. Ask him about his whereabouts on the night of the 27th.
I think a last possible response to that would be, “This is why we cant have nice things…”
+1 on paying with paper clips
+1 on I would live in Texas if it was in Canada 😛
And those collars should have your husband’s phone number on them, so if they get sqished, he gets the bad news first.
Um your neighborhood is awesome. I would probably get in trouble for littering or something if I tried to put a sign up.
my sister just moved to texas and hates it. i’m thinking this note might just change her mind.
Love. It! Us Texans are pretty dang funny.
Honey, you’re home!
I want to live in your neighborhood. I am also horribly tempted to copy you and put a sign like that up in our neighborhood, but my neighbors involve themselves with Serious Business like Golf and Wine Tastings and Being Republican. I don’t think they’d get it.
(I wish I was joking. There are neighborhood wine tastings. Who the hell sets up a neighborhood wine tasting?!)
I think the best part is how neat the last bit of handwriting is. I keep imagining a very sensible person giving this advice.
God Bless Texas.
Of course, you would put a collar on a snake, harnesses don’t work so well
Great sign and notes. Reminds me of my old pet snake “IBM”. He was a California king snake my cat caught, and his name was short for “It Bit Me”.
And this is why I miss Texas.
“May have come from bad home” – I beg to differ. Anyone who adopts a rattlesnake has got to have a heart of gold.
This would have
It’s official. Worst comment leaver ever.
Awww, you make miss home. I’ve been trying to convince my husband to move back!
Who said that community noticeboards are dead and no one reads them?! I say poo to them – community notice boards are very much alive and interactive 🙂
When did you move in?
Yes, collars and don’t forget to spay or neuter them!! Don’t want angry rattlesnakes taking over the earth!
HA! I want to move to your neighborhood! You should recruit them and bring them into your cult (if you have one I mean…) You could worship large metal chickens. Just a thought.
Love this. 🙂
THAT’S IT!!!! Texas heat and humidity be damned! I’m going to have to move back home!!! I need to be around people who “get” me!
The image of a snake with a collar makes me giggle. Especially a bling collar.
A snake with a collar makes me think of something you’d see in an adult store….
Has he had his ‘dog vaccine’? My dogs just got their rattlesnake vaccine.
now you must google a photo of a rattlesnake with a collar on and post it with your sign.
I came home and my dog had died today. He had been in my life for 14 years. I decided to check your blog and read some of your past posts. You made me laugh today. Then I read when Barnaby Jones died and I cried again. So thanks, thanks for always putting this fucked up life into perspective for me on this, the worst of days.
can I borrow this idea for work? My passive aggressive lunchroom & bathroom notes aren’t getting ANY fucking attention. This just might.
I want to live in your rneighborhood.
Found: One dog. I taught her to answer to the name Klondike. Come get her if you want her to answer to her original name.
Fucking amazing. I’m sad they didn’t take a photo of the rattlesnake being bitey. Also, you know some fucking old person wrote the shit about the collars, cuz he wrote it in ‘old people handwriting’. Fucker was probably serious, too.
What if instead of a collar, you fused two pringles cans together, cut a hole in the top (so the snake could breathe/take in the view) and tied a string to the end?
With your ingenuity, you might be able to turn this idea into a cash cow-er, cobra!
“Very bitey” That made me ROFL.
I have just read all these comments and I can only think what strange people you American’s are…nice strange, strange strange…… definitely strange. I think the sign is so amusing but the image of any ‘bitey snake ‘ leaves me very cold and shaky! Even wearing a bling collar. I am getting such a visual on Texas………
I love it!!!!
I found a baby tarantula today (I’m in TX, too!). I think I’ll try this in our neighborhood. Hmmm…very leggy? S/he sort of waves the front ones around when you talk to her/him.
Oh! And have you seen the tarantulas out in west Texas (out by Weatherford and beyond) that live with the little spadefoot toads? The toads eat ants that would otherwise eat the spider, and in return the spider protects the toads. I’ve actually seen this, although disappointingly not in actual battle mode. True story.
I want to move to your neighborhood!
I have all my rattlesnakes spayed and neutered.
“Very Bitey” is totally your next t-shirt.
That’s Ah-mazing! I wish my neighborhood was even a tenth as cool as yours! 🙂
I love my neighborhood because my bestie lives a few houses down and we have martini nights as often as possible, but I do believe that your neighborhood is way cooler than mine! Can I be your neighbor?
Signs like that remind me that some people aren’t as much the turds I usually give them credit for being…
I saw one of my neighbors taking his pet python for a walk once. This would have been cooler if it had involved a collar and leash, but he was just wearing the snake like a bracelet. It was still freaky, though.
See? When you live in a state where they execute the retarded, the average IQ can only go up!
HAHAHAHA!!! That is made of awesome.
I’m going to add “see a snake wearing a collar” to my bucket list.
It’s not mine. Mine has a mustache.
Since when did people start writing in cursive again? I thought that was outlawed.
I’d like to see how you keep a collar on a rattlesnake. I mean, wouldn’t it just keep wriggling out of it????
I think it would be more of a Snake Harness than a Collar per se and he’s a bitey rattlesnake because his obviously Faux Geek owner named him Tiberius and MISSPELLED IT. Any good Geek owner can spell it correctly. It’s the “T” in James T. Kirk after all…
That is awesome!!
Apparently you live in the Land of Awesome.
See, up north we just hack their heads off and hang them off the fence (well, my grandpa did, anyway). We just aren’t cool enough to keep them as pets….so sad.
Hilarious. Funny story: My brother had a Nile Monitor when I was little, he was about oh… 3 to 4 feet long. And mean as a mother fucker. One whip of his tail could break your arm. Yeah, he was strong. Anyway, he got out of his cage once.. and my brother lived in a basement with a door to the outside. Apparently that door was open and he got out. We went to our local pet store like two days later and found a found sign with a picture of the lizard and what not. Needless to say, we were all to embarassed to admit that we had lost a 4 foot lizard that was potientally dangerous and never went to retrieve him.
Haha, I literally wandered over to your blog from Pinterest where I JUST saw this posted and laughed about it. And then here it was, the original. I should have known it would be someone as cool as you who started this.
That’s definitely something that I miss about Texas…they know how to take a joke and run with it. Koreans…not so much.
Wait…you have a neighborhood message board?
I can’t even comprehend this.
I lived in Texas for 2 years, and without question the people there fell into only two categories for me.
1. They were sweet, wonderful, kind-hearted, honest, hard-working, generous people.
2. They were hate-filled, angry, deceitful, manipulative, psychopathic, evil people (Potentially a result of neuro-toxic outages in the brain, caused by the toxic water and fumes in the air – from all that damn fracking.)
Sadly, the latter won out with the majority of those I came across, and I left town without looking back. I suspect more than the fair share of Texans masquerade as rattlesnakes and thus their lack of shock with your sign.
They do have some great Mexican food though, I’ll give them that.
I’m shocked that people were so rad to you … I’m jealous of your neighborhood!
No clue if you can get to that…it’s in my FB pics and I am total moron when it comes to this link stuff.
Anyway…even though I’m sure it has to be a joke, I swear I pee’d a little when I read it.
Then again when I read it again.
If you can’t get to it…I’m ridiculously sorry. It is so worth the pee though.
I have no freaking idea what this poem means but it has the name Victor in it so thought that perhaps if you’ve had a few of your wine-slushees tonight it might mean something to you…
when you find yourself
inside a snake pit
you can not just be naive
to be bitten and even
swallowed by another
you become a snake
yourself and bite
as many as you can
this is the law of the
survival of the fittest snake
and when you emerge
as the victor
go back to your form
coy dove, white feathers,
RIC Z. BASTASA
Things like this make me actually love people.
I love how not only does the first commenter leave a comment… but leaves space on his paper for future commentary. I too would love that neighborhood!!
First of all… That is awesome.
Secondly, Not only is it important to keep your rattle snakes and other angry pets collared (ie: bears, wombats, badgers, ex husbands, male goats, and children), but PLEASE!!!!! Spay and Neuter your your pets. Otherwise you will end up with the A holes that I have to deal with on a daily basis that are destined to end up on peopleofwalmart.com!
OK I don’t have time to follow this blog all the time, but in my perfect world, I would! I adore you in all manner of ways and when you lost your cat last week I was totally beside myself.
We were moving while Rolly was missing and my S.O. (B.) can attest to the fact that the whole incident left me utterly paranoid. “Leave the door open one more time, muthafucker! If Adred gets out I’m not moving ANYWHERE tonight!” Tough day, on many fronts…especially for the man holding all the boxes.
I’m thrilled to hear your Rolly is safe and totally understand the terror of that experience.
Much love, for all you do.
The people in your neighbourhood know it’s you leaving this message.
PS – I read all this to my husband, who is now banning my evening wine (or two) and insisting I get a job.
I blame you.So there
Excellent advice! The next time I have an angry pet rattlesnake, I’ll be sure to put a collar on it. I hope it doesn’t slither out of it though! Even if it stayed on, I wonder who would be willing to read the tag if the angry rattlesnake ever ran away from home?
Oh, and a belated PS
You introduced me to my best friend, blogging mate Susansays – because you said she had one of the best blog titles… and I looked… and was hooked….
Susan and I will probably never meet – (it is 40 hours (!) transit time from my place to hers (and she HATES to fly), so it will probably never happen)
BUT – that is ok, I love her anyway.
AND – I love you. That is all.
I’m still fixated on the name. In no way, if I came across that sign, could I be THAT witty.
the only thing I have found on my street is a two year old on one of those plastic bikes…ALONE…I called the police and they were all “well nobody has reported a missing 2 year old can you hang onto him and we’ll see if we can send someone out oh they’ll be a while..”
It’s not a dog people, it’s a 2 year old human being. They can be really hard to get and the kids parents will probably want him back. So we stood on the side of the street in front of my house waiting for the police who never turned up but his rather frantic uncle did after a while. Kid was from 3 blocks away he’d climbed out the bedroom window and done a runner on his bike. AND YOU CAN’T PUT A COLLAR ON ONE OF THOSE with belongs to careless parents of LaLa Street… and you totally should be allowed to put “If found wandering please return to …” on a t shirt or something for little kids and old people with dementia.
Horrified by the missing rattler, but the neighbors seem grand!
I want to live in Texas. I want to live in your neighborhood. Can I stay at your house while I’m looking for my own digs?
Hahahaha. Never seen such stuff in my life. And Tiberios, really??? Whats your neighborhood btw???;-)
Excellent advice. I wonder if I should put a collar on my not so bitey but often kicky child? I’m sure no one would object.
LOL! All bulletin boards should have postings like this 🙂
I see heaps of adults with collars on so why not put one on a kid or an old person. Why should only pets get returned…. Although considering my kids ????…. No they always find their way home so collars it is.
It’s good that you took him in before the snake catcher found him. He could have ended up in the snake pound, and when the owners went to get him, they’d have to pay a big fine, especially if he’s not current on his rabies shots. By the way, are you sure he wasn’t rabid? Because that could be really dangerous.
If the owner never claims him, you should mail him to your enemies. Just be sure to use an approved shipping container–I’m sure Google will be helpful here.
Well, there is a reason Samuel L. Jackson did NOT sign on for a movie in which his script would include the line, “Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking giant metal chickens on this motherfucking stoop!”.
(Although “Giant Metal Chickens on A Stoop” would be an awesome title for a movie).
(Also, contrary to rumor, the original screenplay of formerly titled Rakers of the Lost Litter Box did NOT have Harrison Ford’s character exclaiming, “Kittehs! Why did it have to be Kittehs!”
It’s SNAKES, people. SNAKES. With BABY RATTLES, for crying out loud. Nature’s Pied Piper.
You try putting a leash on it. Or a bird.
I want to live in your neighborhood. My neighbors post notes sometimes, but they are all in Danish so I cannot read them. I bet they aren’t amusing though. Danes seldom are.. /le sigh
I suspect a collar would slide right off your bitey snake. Perhaps you should have the vet install a tracking device under its skin; then all you have to do is prevent it from shedding.
I just moved here from AZ… Texas just got another cool point in my book. I think I’m gonna like it here.
Well if you could get rid of the bitey parts (and maybe the parts that strangle? Do those snakes do that? I’m from the northeast, I have no idea, and this being the internet there’s obviously no way for me to look that up) it seems to me that a rattlesnake is just a baby’s toy waiting to happen.
Texans rock!! And, I can say that because I am one!
That is all…except, Texans ROCK!!
I’m concerned that your neighborhood has a message board. Are you sure you’re not accidentally living in an office kitchen?
I want a “very bitey” tee-shirt.
You are clearly from the Inner Loop. I miss the Inner Loop. This degree of awesomeness doesn’t exist where I live now.
I was crying when I read this because I was laughing so much.
it seems to me that a rattlesnake is just a baby’s toy waiting to happen.Just be sure to use an approved shipping container–I’m sure Google will be helpful here.
Well obviously! Who just let’s a rattlesnake runaround without a collar?
God Bless Mother Fucking Texas Y’all
I love us. 🙂
I want a ‘Very Bitey’ t-shirt, too
Heck, I’m moving to Texas.
GOD I love Texas. 🙂
THAT should be submitted to Passive Aggressive Notes. While not necessarily passive-aggressive, it’s definitely hilarious.
I bet they think it’s some sort of messaging system for a secret sex party. One with lots of drugs. What if you’re like, a pimp now? A pimp without even knowing it?
You and your neighbors make me proud to be a Texan.
. . . unlike Gov. Goodhair . . .
I just read this and thought of you.
I didn’t realize people kept rattlesnakes as pets. I don’t know that I’ll be visiting Texas anytime soon. The last time I was there I was bit by a scorpion. What’s with the teeth down there??
This makes me really happy.
I’m pretty sure rattlesnakes love being kept as pets. When they bite, and eat your dogs and children, it’s only because they are yearning for someone to love them.
I live in texas and my neighborhood is not that awesome. well…i guess they could be awesome. I don’t have a neighborhood message board to test this on them. I should probably move.
This sure beats the ‘Lost duck’ sign we used to have in our park.
Btw, someone is showing off their fancy cursive skills in your ‘hood.
See, I should have thought of that when we had a family of skunks in our window wells. Would have saved me tons to have the missing owners pick them up!
just found your blog. freakin hilarious.
can’t stop crying from laughing so hard.
first the chicken post.
great style. can’t wait to read more!
I love that I’m not the only one who uses ‘bitey’ as an adjective.
“if you like it than you should have put a collar on it…”
That’s the type of opportunity in which I would never have a pen. And I wouldn’t have The Boy with me, because he always has a pen (I could probably wake him up at 2 a.m. and ask for a pen and he’d hand me one. But where would he keep it? Hmmmm.). So then I’d have to decide if my wit was enough to make the effort to go back with a pen.
Spay or neuter your rattlesnake. They won’t be as prone to wander and hump the other neighborhood rattlesnakes.
It’s called “Being a responsible pet owner.”
Man, I need a better neighborhood. I bet that rattlesnake was angry because he was named Tiberios instead of Tiberius. I’ve renamed the snake Captain Kirk in my mind, to help make him less angry.
I loved the title of this post.
And it’s so true. We don’t rattle easily.
You would never see this in New York! I am originally from AZ and the sign from the neighbor would read will shoot for you! At least that is what my dad would leave.
–>I would have added, “Responds to Snake and OH F*CK, IS THAT A SNAKE?”
That is awesome. Covered in awesomesauce. With a side of awesome-ade.
Hello there! I just wanted you to know that I officially started following your blog a few days ago – though I was introduced to you awhile back via the classic giant-metal-chicken-anniversary posting. Also wanted you to know that I mentioned your blog in my posting today. If you have a chance to read it, you’ll understand why I appreciate this site so much. I need a good dose of irreverent humor on an ongoing basis. Feeds my soul.
This is beyond excellent. And just what I needed today.
Oh, Jenny, you would like this site. http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/
I’ve been thinking about this because I have that kind of time. You know, if he’s bitey, he might be angry because he bit himself. Think about it. It hurts like hell when you bite the inside of your mouth or your tongue or whatever and we don’t even have fangs. That makes me pretty angry. Plus he might have realized that he is a poisonous snake and just be scared shitless over will he live or die because I’m not sure rattlesnakes know they’re immune to their own venom.
This cold medicine is awesome.
DO SNAKES ANSWER TO THIER NAMES?!?!?
HOW CAN YOU TELL?!?!
LOVE THIS!!!! What more can I say.
Clearly no one in Canada is working right.
They are all posting comments on this blog…
Ok, here’s one:
How can you tell a snake is answering to his name?
Does he –
wait for it
– wag his tail?
I wish I had it in me to laugh at this…. Alas, I am on Day 5 of an Anxiety poop storm waiting for everything to feel normal again. You would think getting a new dog..and not my first at that!..wouldnt be a big deal…but appearantly, either the dog or it just was a trigger for something that has been brewing. Alas, trust me.. i feel your pain about anxiety. Just unfortunately for me rather than little burps here and there… I get huge gushers when I make life changes!
If people would have their snake spayed or neutered, they probably wouldn’t wander from home. Either way a collar may be difficult I propose a piercing on the back of his neck with a tag attached, like a belly ring with a dog tag. I think it would work.
I gave up having anything kind to say about rattlesnakes when my son posted a video of an Eastern Diamondback SWIMMING past his kayak. I did not know that rattlesnakes can SWIM! How nice it would be to have back the money I spent installing the fucking moat.
Hmm, so an “angry” snake is “very bitey.” Can we be sure that’s not what a “happy snake” is like, too?
OMG Did you really put up the rattlesnake sign??! LMAO Woman, you are too funny!
And that some people wrote notes in reply means you are truly living among “your people”.
I found a large snake once.
Then I found it again.
And mom says that’s why I’m blind.
Ok, after thinking about it again, I’ve decided what I REALLY want is a COLLAR that reads, “I’m very bitey” and not a shirt.
I’m using this post as a way to convince my husband that it’s okay to move to Texas.
I’m bitey. I need a collar.
FYI: I’m nominating you for the prestigious and highly coveted Versatile Blogger Award on Monday (which you can accept, or not…it’s completely up to you)! Congratulations! 😀
Incidentally, my post (Food for Thought) will be live around 5am EST and I’ve linked to your site. Hope that was okay and that you’ll be somewhat flattered. 😉
Thanks so much for writing so well (hence, the award)!
This is the best lost and found sign EVER. Would you help me write my wedding vows?
Pffft. Someone should tell that stupid kid that rattlesnakes don’t wear collars.
#237 Ed – LOL…I’m fairly certain the missing snake has TWO eyes, or the poster would have said otherwise. I sure hope the snake you speak of is not angry and bitey. *shudder*
Jen, I consulted one of those handwriting expert people types. It turns out you have the handwriting of a serial killer. I thought Victor should know. Then again, I assumed Copernicus clued him in.
I wonder what exactly constitutes a “bad home” for a rattlesnake. Hardcore vegans owners who fill their terrariums with ice?
neighbors who know their roman emperors, and proper pet etiquette. stellar.
That’s it. I’m moving. I want to live in your neighbourhood. Love it.
Wow. I knew I should have taken the job offer in Texas! That is awesome! Thanks for making my morning.
LOL, this is hilarious!
That is the perfect neighborhood for you. How hilarious!
this is indeed the best sign ever posted to the public
Here’s another sign for your neighborhood bulletin board.
Missing: Old Crow, Needs Medication.
SEE… I did try to get my cat to balance on my head. It didn’t turn out well…
The only pet rattlesnake I ever had was so small that his collar was a wedding ring. Fit perfectly. Snake died the first winter. Still got the ring, though. Somewhere.
It was really nice of you to make the bulletin board more aesthetically pleasing by filling the empty space. And so awesome of your neighbors to contribute to the project. If every neighborhood cared as much as yours does…the world would be a better place.
Who doesn’t just love a ‘bitey’ rattlesnake?
There are flashes of brilliance in our state, I’ll admit. This bulletin board conversation was a refreshing reminder of that.
But collars aren’t going to work on a rattlesnake. Obviously. Microchipping is the answer here. It saves lives.
Is your neighborhood by any chance named “The Gates”?!
And this is exactly why I love living in Texas!
For years, my daughter has warned everyone when our cat, Milo, was in a “bitey mood.” We even talked to the vet about it and he just said Milo “likes to communicate with his mouth.” I stared at the man for an awkward amount of time and responded with “I do, too, but no one’s raw and bleeding when I’m done.”
Which is usually true.
tell us more about texas.
My cats are “bitey.” According to the internet, those bites should be interpreted as “kisses.” The large rattlesnake must just be incredibly affectionate.
This just proves that my neighbors do SUCK!! Jealous. As. Hell.
bloody brilliant. and its not a bad home. she’s impossible to please. i’ll be by to get her in an hour.
I suspect Texans are the Queenslanders of the USA.
Sadly these things do not happen in Dallas or I’d have an awesome post to share. Thanks for posting as it’s awesome. Bitey lmao
way back when I worked at the grocery store I put up a sign for a “found imaginary friend” stating that at first I was happy to have him and he would not be returned but then he kept trying to give my dad a hand job so please come and pick him up.
hmm 2 years later I was laid off…
Speaking of very bitey! I have a plant for you! My mom has another one sooo if you want a devil spawned bitey plant just let me know 🙂
WOW–I don’t think ANYbody in SC has a sense of humor like that! I still think I might try something similar, just to see what happens–because I’m from DC, afterall, I just happen to LIVE in SC currently…
THAT makes this transplanted Texan homesick…:( LOVED growing up in Austin!
I thought you lived out in the wilderness! You have neighbors?
I love that the last comment looks like it’s in Grandma handwriting – all flowy and scripty, a little bit shaky.
I picture a stooped over 80 year old woman giggling to herself as she wrote it.
There are no snakes in my home Country, luckily.
But we laughed heartily.
Greines form Germany
Considerably well executed writing
OMG! This made its way to “tastefully offensive” with the label “why it’s important to put collars on all your pets” http://tumblr.tastefullyoffensive.com/
OMG! Just saw your pic at “tastefullyoffensive!” Yay!
(Caption: This is why it’s important to put collars on all of your pets…
P.S. – sorry, I’m having trouble leaving a comment so if this got posted multiple times, I apologize.
I like your neighbor who apparently is the ambassador of conviction. He’s like the grandpa of the neighborhood. There to point out your short-comings.
Ill make sure to put collars on all my pet cobras! Thanks for the tip.
The reason we follow you is because you are a bitch! A bitch with balls bigger than any PR firm! I’m a fucking bitch myself & proud of it! FUCKING BITCHES UNITE! We need rings, or uniforms, or matching spandex…..something
Yes, I’m a little late on reading this, but as a Texan, loves me some rattlesnakes! I am laughing/crying at my desk right now!!!
That’s absolutely hilarious!
Nice post! I believe that snakes are everywhere.. Just be prepared ‘coz you’ll ever know when they will attack you.
I would love this picture (before it went missing and was stolen) on a T-shirt. “Very bitey” indeed!
This picture I found seems derivative.