Ancient Burial Airport

Sorry I’ve been MIA, but I was stranded in Hawaii when my vagina tried to kill me.  It’s a long story and I’m on way too many painkillers to make any sense, so instead I’m posting a (completely undoctored, swear to God) photo I took right before my left ovary punched me in the face (metaphorically).

I laughed my ass off at this sign, and then the next day my body tried to murder me and I ended up in the hospital. There's probably a lesson here about the importance of being appropriately somber at Ancient Burial Airports, but I'm way too high to learn it.

289 thoughts on “Ancient Burial Airport

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  1. I was reading your tweets with some apprehension. Glad you’re home and doing better.

    There’s a joke about Mayan gods and the 2012 thing in there somewhere, I think, but I myself am too high to make the connection.

  2. I actually wrote that sign. You’re being punished for using the restroom, which is built directly over the ancient burial grounds. You should proceed directly through the lava tube to the airport.

  3. What a coincidence, my left ovary just stabbed me in the eyeball last week. She’s a cranky bitch.

    Hope you’re feeling better.

  4. An ancient burial airport makes sense, I mean, ancient planes need to go somewhere when they die.

    Hope your ovary has been beaten back into submission now.

  5. Yeeeeah, the spirits were clearly NOT amused. I mean, why should you catch a scheduled flight when they can’t?

  6. Oh wow, I hope you’re okay. Once upon a time a co-worker had an ovary explosion while at the office and it was terrifying for everyone. She was on bed rest for a couple weeks. And yes, that sign is awesome.

  7. A “Lava Tube” looks like something that should be avoided at all costs. Also, WHERE IS THE HIKING TRAIL AND THE BLACK SAND BEACH??? *confusion* Get well soon, Bloggess. <3

  8. You were in Hawaii, and your body turned on you… It might not have been your laughing at the sign. Is it possible you were wearing a tiki that Bobby Brady found? Did you seen Vincent Price in the cave?

  9. Oh, and left ovaries are apparently being bitches all over the place this week because I had a CT scan yesterday to figure out what’s up with my little bitch. You, me, and Lauren make 3, maybe all the rest of you are safe…

  10. I totally read that as your vagina tried to strangle you and immediately thought…Is there NOTHING Jenny can’t do?

    When I need a hit out on some one I will be calling on your Vag.

  11. I don’t know if you ever watch the new Hawaii 5-0, but their Halloween episode was all about those, and it is kind of a hoot.

  12. I laughed at the picture, THEN saw your warning. Dammit, my ovaries were already plotting something – now I’ve just added fuel to the fire. Crap.

  13. Does the ancient burial airport have tombstones? I imagine the rubbings there would be interesting. What do ancient planes write on tombstones? Instead of flowers to people leave small black boxes?? Also, my right ovary often tries to murder me. It’s a bitch. I hope you are feeling better.

  14. Conveniently enough, the restrooms ARE the picnic area. One stop shopping if you will. Pull up a toilet and enjoy your lunch. Wait a half hour, and get on with your day.

  15. I really hope that the Picnic Area and the restrooms are not both in the caves, since they’re all in the same direction. In a dark cave you could end up shitting where you eat.

    And I hope you’re better and that you and your vagina work it out.

  16. The sign is funny… But … I know it was no laughing matter… so I feel horrible for the burst of lhysterical laughter over this line “but I was stranded in Hawaii when my vagina tried to kill me.” …

  17. and here I thought they’d ditched Serenity on a lot in LA. I feel so much better now knowing she has a nice warm home…

  18. I am so trying to resist the urge to start googling Hawaiian parks and their, um, features before I go down the rabbit hole, or in this case lava tube. Hope you’re feeling better!

  19. So sorry to hear about the coup d’état happening in your body.
    Looks like somebody’s budget caused some over ambitious signage. Very confusing. Very amusing.

  20. Wait… Let me get this straight… Are the ancient burial for paying respects for people whilst also being able to catch a flight out of the country? Or do they bury actual planes??

  21. Airplanes are like elephants – they have very long memories. And kill things that go in their burial sites. Or maybe it’s not kill, maybe it’s possess. Right, that’s it. Airplanes possess people who trespass on their burial sites. And have valuable ivory tusks.

  22. I’m more intrigued by the the fact that the Picnic Area, Caves and Bathroom all seem to be in the same place. Are we picnicing IN the caves? Are the bathrooms the caves themselves? Or is it like a picnic in a cave that’s really a bathroom extravaganza? If so, I’m glad they’re also pointing me toward the lava tubes and ancient burial airport. And away from the cave-picnic-avatory.

  23. It is HELL when those ovaries try to kill ya.. Mine give it a go 3 or 4 times a year.. scares the hell out of my kids.. which is ok I guess cuz I really don’t want any hell in my kids.. lol I think mine are just pissed that their efforts of egg productions will be in vain.. No Mo babies fo me at 43!!
    Hope you feel better fast.. and stay away from lava-tube-black sand-ancient-burial-airports or whatever.. next time come MN.. we will go horseback riding and teach those damn ovaries to shut up!! lol
    Black Sheep

  24. Before I noticed Lava Tube on the sign, I was merely going to make a joke about lost luggage. From now on, I am referring to all the biological crap that makes me emotional and indeed does discharge red liquid on occasion as “my lava tubes”. My thanks to both The Bloggess and the Cryptic Ancient Burial Airport Directory.

    (Meanwhile, “bloggess” is red-lined by the spell checker. Add to dictionary? Hell yeah!)

  25. Life without ovaries is a blast…i totally recommend it. However, life with a lava tube has got to be hot.

  26. i’ve always said beware the murderous ovary. probably working in tandem with copernicus. glad you made it thru.

  27. Hawaii has the best signs, particularly warning signs. So many things to do, so many places to go, so many ways you can die.

    I have learned the hard way (although not the hardest way, since I am here to type this) that the signs in Hawaii are there for a reason. They provide wise counsel. Ignore them at your peril.

  28. Seeing as how this isn’t your first run in with ancient burial grounds and major calamities, you might want to start avoiding them.

  29. Your ovary couldn’t have picked a more beautiful place to go on vacation. Although, the last time I made that flight, I was 7 months pregnant, so I don’t envy your trip home.

  30. I keep reading this like those old Calgon ads (“Ancient Chinese Secret, eh?”)

    Ancient Burial Airport, huh?

    Or is everyone too young to remember that ad?

  31. I’m guessing you had an ovarian cyst burst? I had that happen and the pain was so insane I thought I was having a tubal pregnancy. It was like the first stages of labor.

    Well, I raise my glass to good drugs and hope you are back to yourself soon.

  32. I hating f***ing auto-immune diseases and over-exertion due to laughing to hard at something ridiculous. Feel better soon!

  33. Well, now I got nothin’ since Amy and WebSavvyMom basically took all my lines. So, I’ll just wish you a speedy recovery and plenty of good drugs to assist in the recovery process.

    BTW, since seeing the movie “Bridesmaids”, the word “lava” makes me laugh whenever I see or hear it.

  34. Oh Jenny. Hallucinogenic unicorns always make me feel better. Actually, now that I think about it, I’m usually already feeling better by the time I see them: http://pinterest.com/pin/411693894/

    I hope you feel better! Why does travel have to be such an asshole? It’s like hey, I’m fun and beautiful! Then it’s all, I hate all your parts! RAWWWR!!!!

  35. did you go in the cave? did your lady cave punched you while in the cave? that’s how wormholes start. You better look for polar bears and don’t talk to invisible guys named Jacob. I bet that’s the real reason weird shit happened on Lost.

  36. The sign was clearly written by a High School student and as we know anyone over 23 would be ancient to them and would probably be a seasoned traveller.

  37. If Giorgio A. Tsoukalos has taught me nothing, and he hasn’t, it’s that ancient aliens had tons of airports, and they probably buried their dead human worshippers there.

    So what you’ve really got here is a situation where Giorgio A.Tsoukalos looks like he has it pretty much nailed. Things are worse than we as a species ever imagined.

  38. I guess you could say I’m an expert in vagina murders, and it’s my hypothesis that being next to an ancient burial ground airport is no coincidence. You’re lucky to be alive, my friend.

  39. Ah, welcome to Hawai’i. Be happy there even WAS a sign, no matter how…odd. I beat my head against the steering wheel quite often because of lack of signage that should guide me to my location.

    In all seriousness, hope you feel better. Did you hit up the Hilo hospital?

  40. Its probably just a cliff they pushed people off of while screaming “Flap! FLAP!!!”

  41. That’s on Maui, not far from where Charles Lindbergh is buried. That probably explains it. His ghost probably taxies down the ancient burial runway every day. You could have picked up a tax free souvenir from the ancient burial airport gift shop, something that says, “My ovaries were possessed by Satan and all I got was this lousy T shirt,” or, “My internal organs are HANGIN’ LOOSE in Hawai’i!”

  42. I thought I was the only crazy one who takes pictures of weird signs on vacation! I have a picture from Mount Rushmore when they were constructing a new parking lot with two exit signs that had arrows pointing at each other. Nice, huh? 🙂

  43. Seriously, Nicole- the sign thing in Hawaii sucks ass. It took me foreeeever to find my hotel due to the sign law. So silly!

    Jenny, I hope you feel better very soon. If you need any outside help, I am an alternative healer. Contact me if you have a need- I can also work on any depression issues if they are lingering.

    My twin had an ovarian cyst burst smack in the middle of her class in high school once. It’s no Hawaii, but I know she understands your pain.

  44. I’m sorry you’re feeling beyond crappy, but do you think you could talk to your ovary about having a chat with Michelle Duggar’s ovary? And ask it to STOP. THE. MADNESS. before her vag falls out?

  45. You need to travel less! It’s all that airplane air. It’s a killer.
    As we say on our side of the world, “refuah shlema!” May you have a speedy and complete recovery.

  46. Oh god, get well soon. I have come to love quietly following your blog via google reader. The idea that your ovary would be so impudent is worrisome but I’m sure you’ve got it under control now. Take care.

  47. If you had an ovarian torsion I’m going to think there is too much weirdness going on. I just had to have emergency surgery (luckily I wasn’t in HI at the time) on my right ovary that torqued. The doctor said she hadn’t seen more than 2 in her 17 years as an ob/gyn and the day i went to the er she had two emergency surgeries to remove torqued ovaries. Weird.

  48. WOW…I’m in good company then! My left ovary regularly tries to kill me, but I’m yet to be hospitalised!

  49. I’m thinking you’re a walking hazard. I may have to follow twitter just to avoid your travels.

  50. My ovaries did that once, just once, then they took a permanent vacation and were removed to a separate location, never to be heard from again. Much love to you and hope you are feeling better soon.

  51. So wait, is that where an ancient airport is buried? Or where they launch coffins into space (ancient coffins, I guess)? Or is it an airport for zombies? Man, parachuting zombies is really the last thing we need. Way to go, Hawaii.

  52. I hear you apologizing for being MIA, but I am not sure you really are. Oh I know your vagina tried to kill you, but what about MY NEEDS? I check every day for a post. Tell your ovaries and vagina to stop being so damn selfish cause there are people on the internet when NEED YOU. (seriously, I am glad you are ok).

  53. I’ve always been a little suspicious of your vagina, but I just couldn’t think of the proper way to bring it up to you. “I’ve been thinking about your vag and…” Yeah, no, that’s not it.

    be well, girlie.
    jill

  54. Hey, my hubby is a pilot, Ancient Burial Airports are no joking matter. True* story, this one pilot desecrated an Ancient Burial Airport once. He ignored all the warnings and bought the property. He dug up a bunch of planes and built a house there. Then, the dreams started. These old planes were haunting his dreams. Then, he started to see them in the reflections of glass, out of the corner of his eye and in shadows. They say he went mad talking about these old planes. He lived out his life in his dream house totally insane, muttering about “The planes, the planes, they’re everywhere, they’re coming for me” On cold, dark nights you can hear his ghostly voice warning others about the planes.

    *I totally lied. Not true at all.

  55. That is my worst nightmare – My vagina attacking me. Because I swear it has a mind of its own just ask my husband.

    Glad you are doing better and hope you are enjoying your drugs.

  56. Glad you’re feeling somewhat better- was following on Twitter.. As far as this Ancient Burial Ground Airport, were there chickens at this one as well?

  57. did a google search for “ancient burial airport” yours is the TOP of the list but there are several pics online of what appears to be THE SAME EXACT SIGN from different angles…must be the only one in existence…lol

  58. Wtf is it about left ovaries? My right ovary behaves quite nicely, the left one though is a bitch. I have begged the doc’s to remove the f’ng thing, but because I can’t take hormone replacement they refuse. I think it is a conspiracy.

  59. Your vagina tried to kill you in Hawaii, your RA tried to kill you on another recent trip. I think the lesson here is that you need to stay home and blog for us.

  60. Okay, I just read that sign 3 times just to be sure I was reading it correctly. Wow, all the things they never tell you about happening in other parts of the world. Best wishes to your ovary.

  61. I don’t have ovaries, but I’m pretty sure if I did, they would be docile and tame. As it stands, my testicle got what I thought was a weird lump on it in high school after the health class lesson about “checking” but as it turns out I was allowing my doctor to touch my junk so he could alert me that the lump I was feeling was an epididymis, which is part of the male anatomy.

    The thing that’s hilarious about that story? I did the exact same thing several years later in college. And I don’t even have OCD.

    *taps mouse pad seven times, spins in chair, taps mouse pad seven times, spins in chair, presses “submit.”*

  62. Hey, what do you know? MY left ovary tried to kill me once. Damn near succeeded too. You have my sympathy. At least I was home when it happened, not on an exotic vacation!

  63. That awkward moment when you realize you used your entire name instead of a cool internet name. I’m new to all this being a blogger stalker. Just to prove I am not a complete newbie to the internet, I will use my world of warcraft name. That’s not weird is it?

  64. I don’t understand the parentheses around Lava Tube and Ancient Burial Airport. Is it a really poor attempt to lure you into thinking that you’re actually going to a harmless beach and on a hike? I hope you feel better!!

  65. Wow. And I always thought Ancient Burial Airports would bring lots of good luck.

    Bummer.

    (Glad you’re home and hopefully on the mend. Also, I think all vaginas are trying to kill us in some way. Also again, apparently the plural of ‘vagina’ is vaginae, according to spell check. I’m not buying it.)

  66. Of course ancient burial sites have airports. How else would the ancient spirits travel to the other side?

  67. Jenny,

    When I said you had a “killer” vagina, I meant that it was amazing. It’s a common colloquialism, see #1, here:
    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=killer

    You were not supposed to take it literally, geesh! Now I have to go brainstorm new things to call your vagina that you can’t misconstrue. This could take all day. You’re welcome.

    (Seriously, we need you to brighten our day (days?). Feel better soon!)

  68. Oh, yikes. Nothing worse than vengeful ovaries and the wrath of an Ancient Burial Airport.

    (I was going to make a joke about the Brady Bunch Hawaii special, but I see about 23 people already beat me to the punch.) (And then I was going to make a joke about Hawaiian punch, but I decided to leave well enough alone.)

    Hope you feel better soon.

    (Oh, and Hi. I’ve never commented here before. I have occasionally lurked, and tried to resist your charms, even though 87.3% of my friends adore you and link to you and stuff. But the power wielded by the Ancient Burial Airport is too great for me to fight.)

  69. Hahahaha! And now you know how things work on Maui! 😉

    Hope the ovaries let you get out in the water later.

  70. I tried sharing the story of how my left ovary tried to kill me, but when I tried to hit submit the internet broke. Anyway, you are not alone.

  71. Bummer! Had I known you were stuck in the hospital on MY ISLAND I would have brought you some… flowers…? …or poi? …or perhaps a stuffed mongoose?

  72. So that’s where Jacob had “The Others”hide the plane. Guess you’ll just have to go to Kauai next time…no ovary demons over there. (Glad you’re better!)

  73. I have an auto immune disease (Thyroid) and Fibromyalgia and plenty more illneses. My ovaries? They never took me on a trip to Hawaii. You better give the ancient burial site a wink and a nod in your book (btw, I posted it on my FB page” you’re welcome” . Simply because I do adore you and yes, I pre-ordered it because I really am one of those kind of nerds. Love, Laurie F.

  74. I hate when my vagina punches me in the face. It seems so far for her to travel just to punch me. she could just talk out her frustration with me. Violence is never the answer.

  75. That’s what you get for wearing that tiki around your neck instead of returning it to the cave on the burial ground where Vincent Price lives. BTW, did you also get in a surfing accident and attacked by a large tarantula while you were there?

  76. I want to know if the Picnic area, the caves and the restroom are all one area?
    Because, ew. Avoid those caves.

    Welcome back to the continental.

  77. Maybe you were a naughty girl for not respecting the sign, but Hawai’i’s (what the fuck is that punctuation about? that can’t be right) sucko for signage either way. In other words, I’ve never accidentally ended up in a restricted military area in any OTHER state, so I’m pretty much going to blame Hawaii for that little adventure.
    In related news, The Torqued Ovaries would make an excellent name for an angry, angry band. But I’m afraid you’d hurt yourself making inappropriate jokes with a drumstick and I don’t even know how to play guitar. So yeah, hope someone else capitalizes on that gem….

  78. My right ovary has been grumbling off and on for the past 6 months and I’m nowhere near an ancient burial airport. I’m about ready to just bitch-slap it and be done with it. xoxo

  79. You didn’t visit after midnight, did you? I’d inquire about virginity, but I’m not entirely sure what that means. Esoterically… sheesh. I know big words and am not afraid to use them!

  80. My left ovary hurts RIGHT NOW! I think there is some evil left ovary conspiracy and they communicate through social media. Damn bitch ovaries.

  81. We miss you and hope you are FINALLY feeling human again. Chronic health problems suck ass. Seriously, they suck nasty, rotten assholes. I’m with ya darling. Waking up today felt like a nasty punch in the face while I was laying in the grave hurting from head to toe. Lame ass. BUT, we keep on keeping on for our hubbies, our kid(s) and all our friends that couldn’t live without us. We are worth it. Love and hugs!

  82. based on your ability to post, I gather that you are ok after your lady-business-mutiny. I’m sorry about the pain/drama/expense/loss of time, but I’m so thrilled to hear about it. quick recovery/enjoy the drugs! xx.

  83. Why do the ancient dead need an airport? Wait, so it was the Hawaiians who invented flight, not the Wright Brothers?

    Again, you’ve uncovered the true history of something. Even with an evil zombie killer vagina and a pugilistic ovary.

    BRAVA!

  84. Ye gawds, maybe that’s what’s been paining me! I thought I just sprained my gut coughing last week but it IS on the left side, so maybe it was sympathy pain all the way across the Pacific. Man, that would be a bitch of a pain if I felt it all the way in WA!

  85. GOD I AM SO GLAD I DON’T HAVE A VAGINA.

    There. I said it. I can say it now. It took me 37 years to no longer want to have one. Also watching the Wet-St.Bernard-Through-A-Mousehole adventure of birth not once, not twice, not three, but four times.

    It is definitely better to have a penis. Not saying it’s better to be a man, just that a penis is so much easier to take care of. Shit, you don’t even really have to take care of it at all, do you?

    Hope your left ovary feels better soon. Let me know if you need to replace it with a testicle. I have two, and no longer need either one of them.

  86. Does that mean the hiking trail is TROUGH the Ancient Burial Airport? Why would you ever do that?! Every second spent there is an added opportunity to get destroyed during the landing of a ghost flight. I mean, yeah, the plane should technically go right through you, but what if it goes all poltergeist and shit? There’s a lot of ammo on a hiking trail. I once came across a whole cutlery set in the middle of the woods. That shit’ll hurt!

    Also, my sympathies to your plight caused by your vagenitals.

  87. The ovary is killer. First the sharp pain, then the shooting all the way down to the knee, then the beginnings of numb leg, then the freezing cold and the curling up to die. Hope yours is all damned better.

  88. i laughed because at first, i thought the photo said “Panic Area” like.. oh the volcano is erupting, lava is flowing, you should start to freak and run this way towards this area… i thought that was pretty funny.

    being a woman is hard 🙁 sorry you are feeling shitty. will a few beers on top of those narcs help?

  89. The last time my ovaries gave me trouble I had them removed. Showed them who’s boss!

    I also ended up in a Hawaiian emergency room one time. Turns out I’m allergic to the sun. Their recommendation for recovery was to stay out of the sun. IN HAWAII. I bought a hat, SPF 3000 sunscreen and a bottle of rum. My cure was much better, if not as effective. Stoopid rash.

  90. after living for 5 years on the Big Island, I learned that Hawaiians take their airport burial VERY seriously.

    (I swear, there’s something about Hawaii that makes your innards flare up. When we lived there, I got a UTI every 6 months, never got them before or after we moved there)

  91. Last time my ovaries punched me I had the bitches removed, permanently. I also evicted their cohort – the uterus. That’ll teach ’em to mess with me.

    That was 14 yrs. ago…and I’ve never felt better than I did the minute I woke up from that surgery.

    Or, it coulda been the morphine-pump.

  92. I like to read the comments on your blog because sometimes they are *just as* funny as your posts. And I found Aging Girl’s comment. And then I clicked her link for her latest blog post. And when I returned here, there was a little pop-up that said 64 clicks were made on that link from that comment. And I thought, WOW! So this is the best way to advertise your own blog. Just comment on Jenny Lawson’s blog. Easy enough. So here I am commenting. But then I scrolled other pop-ups and most people get 0 hits. So not I guess I just be either aging or crazy like you.
    🙂

  93. Wow. I also think I may be drunk with the way that last line was written. How about “I guess I must be either aging or crazy, like you”. For the record, I don’t even drink. Much.

  94. When I first read the sign I read “Lava Lube” and thought, Holy Shitballs – Talk about burning loins…

  95. Hah!!! I was JUST at this beach a week ago and laughed my ass off when I saw this very sign! Hope you enjoyed Maui! It’s amazing isn’t it???

  96. You should have known better than to pick up that bad luck tiki. I hope you didn’t wipe out surfing or wake up with a giant tarantula on your chest too. And everyone knows that you have to deposit the tiki at the ancient burial airport to reverse your bad luck.

  97. My favorite part is how “ancient burial airport” is apparently supposed to describe the Hiking Trail. Is it the Ancient Burial Airport Memorial Hiking Trail?

    My least favorite part is that you haven’t been well. Hope that changes quickly.

  98. I’m thinking that your vagina turned on you out of utter confusion in the overwhelmingly strange options presented by this sign.

    (Of course, what I don’t know about vaginas is a lot)

  99. Ancient Burial Airport- Catch a flight into the wild blue yonder or dirt nap with your ancestors. Your choice only $695! Headstones, headphones, rituals, Snack Packs, and cocktails not included. Please see terms and conditions for additional details.*

    *ABA in no way bears responsibility for the division of parties at the gate.

  100. My vagina tends to stop just short of killing me, knowing that it can cause me more pain over the long run if it doesn’t kill me outright.

  101. Am I the only one who read “lava lube” at first glance? I thought “thanks, but no thanks, there’s enough in life that can cause that burn” (oh the shame)

  102. Yes this is my second comment but your recent health travails combined with the fact that my asshole left ovary attacked me not too long ago have inspired me to write a limerick that I am dedicating to my right ovary, the good one. I was drunk when I wrote this so there may be one too many lines. I’m not sure though, I’m drunk now too.

    There once was a horrible left ovary.
    That felt its girl was living life too jovially.
    So that motherfucker burst.
    And the girl, how she cursed.
    Then decided she was feeling too soberly.

    So she drank a shit ton of whiskey.

  103. This reminds me that there is a campground in eastern Ontario called “Hell Holes”. I remember being very perplexed the first time I saw the highway sign for it. I haven’t gone camping there.

  104. Damn you, John Teeter. You stole my comment. My husband was in Hawaii on “business” just a few weeks ago and came home with an exact replica of that ominous Tiki idol for my son. Since then, my son got chapped lips, I broke a nail, my husband’s shirt lost a button, we ran out of milk RIGHT in the middle of breakfast, one of my daughter’s shoelaces broke and the mailman delivered one of our bills to the wrong address. It has been HELL around here.

    But at least nothing happened to my vagina. Feel better, Jenny!

  105. I think your ovary is leading a gang made up of your fallopian tube and the lava tube.
    Can you get Copernicus to give them all a hug?

    Hope you get better soon – and not just because I need the mayhem you post…

  106. A vagina once tried to kill me…True Story….Unless you are well versed on the attack patterns of a Vagina you really can get caught off guard. I can’t even count how many times one of my friends has been mowing the lawn drinking a mojito and POW out of left field a Vagina swoops right out of the tree and thats it. Funeral for my Mr Mojito and now we have to finish mowing the lawn. Just a wast of a good Saturday YA KNOW! I really blame the education system. Wasting our time with Calculus and not even a “How not to get seriously injured by genitalia” class…Hell at least make it an elective. Just saying..Think about it. Peace out bitches!

  107. The day after I decided on a hysterectomy, my uterus tried to kill me, inflicting major hemorrhages and cramps. Since I’d made arrangements for its eviction, it was going to take me with it, or die trying. I don’t think I offended any ancient spirits, but I loved the photo!

  108. Hawaii is my home! We live on Oahu. My husband is a paramedic and picked someone up recently with the same symptoms. Had I known …you would have heard a crazy woman screaming in the background…”Wait, wait! What about Beyonce!!! Did you bring her on the flight!”
    Good times…Hope you feel better soon. The world needs your verbal earthquakes.

    http://www.RebeccaLK.com

  109. Just spoke to the hubby…he said his patient was swearing up a storm! lmao.
    The unidentified patient was not from here and said she did not care about the hospital.

    Things that make you go hmnn….
    http://www.RebeccaLK.com

  110. WHAT – You’re in Hawaii? That is amazing. I was born and raised here, and I just need to tell you, on behalf of Hawaii, that you are AMAZING and I consistently have no idea what is going on in my 9AM Tuesday lecture, because that is when I check your weekly wrap up – and then (not-so) quietly laugh to myself in the middle of the classroom while the person next to me slowly moves further and further away. I love you. Thank you for existing.

  111. Yup, it’s the Brady Bunch curse.. that sign is your evil tiki.. your vagina tried to kill you instead of a surfing competition. You best check all your shoes for Tarantulas!

  112. Just tell me, for sure, that you didn’t take any rocks home with you!

    Maybe it’s me, but it makes perfect sense to me that there’s an ancient burial airport that way. I mean, look at those trees!

  113. My uterus tried to kill me more than once. I’m so glad I had the doctor cut the thing out and incinerate it. Of course, then I had to deal with lovely people telling me how sad it was that I must not feel like a woman anymore now that I had no cervix/uterus/ovaries/fallopian tubes. I should have told them it’s easier to survive without female reproductive organs than it is to survive without a brain.

  114. Since you are posting random crap, I decided to post random crap. I want to thank you for the picture of wil wheaton collating. I have used it when random companies have contacted me about jobs that do not in any way correspond to my education as a chemist. They are all the make money at home scams and require my bank account info before I sign any papers. I am tired of getting them because I post my resume on monster.

  115. Hey, I have seen that sign before. Is that from the state park right near Hana in Maui? Thank you for capturing how ludicrous it is!

  116. I’m sensing another book in your future: Hospitals of the Western Hemisphere – The Travel Guide. Victor can write a guest section on Mexico, and you can include a wallet-sized pull-out on medical treatments available on cruise ships. I hope you’re remembering to take pictures of the food. You’ll need those.

  117. I hope you’re feeling better!! I pre-ordered your book in sympathy; I don’t know about you, but money from strangers ALWAYS improves my day. Tell your ovaries to stop being such dicks. Or something.

  118. Now I’m gonna wonder all day what the hell an ancient burial airport is. But I refuse to laugh about it…because I don’t want to piss off my ovaries.

    Hope you’re feeling better!

  119. My left ovary has also metaphorically punched me in the face recently! It’s like we’re ovary twins. Or ovary soulmates- Ovamates.
    There. I said it.

  120. So is that where all the ancient flying contraptions are buried? I’m not sure this is entirely necessary in the world, but I mean, good on them for the obscure tourist attraction…

    By the way if Hawai’i trys to kill all women via their vaginas, the tourist rates are significantly going to decrease. Thanks for the warning and I hope you are doing better!

  121. I just found your blog yesterday and literally spent hours reading your posts, laughing myself to tears at least four different times. Your book immediately went on my wishlist! You are fantastic!

  122. I laugh, & LOVE you every time for these. You inspire me to work my own (considerable) insanity. Your blogs work my abs, diaphragm, imagination & heart.

  123. How come I never get those flights. NYC to Texas via Hawaii. My last flight was Seattle to Dayton, OH via long layover in Baltimore. I did hear of one flight from Fairbanks to Anchorage via Juneau(weather), Vancouver, BC (fog) Seattle (fog) Portland (fog), SanFrancisco (fog) Las Vegas landed. Good thing the fuel tanks were topped off in Fairbanks. Passengers requested the jet be buried in the desert.

  124. Just in case you are not up to posting your week in review tomorrow, I shall do it here for you.

    1.Went to Hawaii
    2.Ziplined
    3. Was nearly killed by my own vagina.

    Yep, you are going to have to come back tomorrow, sorry. I suck at this. Feel better soon!

  125. Mm Hm–there’s probably a reason why they want you to walk past the ancient burial airport on the hiking trail. You were probably lucky to have escaped with your life! Glad you’re ok though…

  126. Kind of like that Brady Bunch episode where all hell breaks loose when they go into the caves on their Hawaiin vacation. Or, maybe I’m remembering it wrong. Hope you recover soon!

  127. I’ve just stumbled upon your blog by googling Beyonce…odd I know, but I’m intrigued by your writing style and the prospect of more kitten algebra!

  128. Wait, The Wright Brothers are buried in Hawaii? Who knew?

    Always figured them for a more grassy, flat farmland kinda resting place… the digging is way easier for one, what with not having to deal with all that lava…

  129. What’s up? Did your vagina thing work out? And how is Hawaii? Can you go to the beach with your homicidal hoo hoo, or is it really, really bad and am I making myself look like an asshole just even typing that?

  130. My daughter told me about The Bloggess…..and what you did for Christmas last year. How wonderful that !
    You are fantastic and I adore your sense of humor!

  131. Talk of your vagina and ancient burial airports gives a whole new meaning to the term “landing strip”.

    Hope your vagina has stopped being such a c***!

  132. 5 years ago, I moved into a house that was built on an ancient burial airport. It was plainly haunted. There were strange sounds and sometimes the whole building would shake. There were strange smells, the spectral sound of a child screaming and a metallic, incomprehensible voice.

    One night, I was coming home from the pub when there was a loud, inhuman roar and the whole upper story of the house flew apart right in front of my eyes. Through the dust, I thought I saw a huge white shape flying away.

  133. You never fail to crack me up. Don’t ever get on meds, okay? We NEED your brand of crazy.

    P.S. You might think about submitting your story to a screenwriter. VAGINAS ATTACK!

  134. If your ovaries and my ovaries were to hang out they would make for one bad arse gang. Mexican drug lords would have nothing on the shit that these little guys would rip up.

  135. Is this at Hana?! I was in Maui at the same time as you! I did R2H on the 11th….had I known you were around I might have attempted some friendly stalking. Probably for the best…

    (It is Hana! Good eye. ~ Jenny)

  136. So yeah, I’m a geek. I had to look this up. I HAD TO KNOW THE ANSWER OKAY??

    The hiking trail leads to lots of lovely places including lava tubes and a blowhole (mind out of the gutter, people) and ocean caves and the black sand beach but apparently as you get farther out past the Ancient Burial Grounds the trail abruptly ends at the security fence for the Hana Airport. The trail used to go all the way around the island of Maui so that the King could survey his land.

    Also in the caves somewhere is a princess rock seat. This all sounds so awesome on this maui guide book site but yet all so fucking terrifying to get to. Warnings such as “don’t stand next to the blowhole” and “to see the caves you might have to go under water for a minute and the water is cold” or “This area has many lava tubes and caves – you should be somewhat careful when walking around as some areas may be just a thin, crumbling sheet above a cave. ” FUN.

    You’re not allowed to touch certain things (but they don’t tell you this) and you’re not allowed to take anything natural from the island or you’ll be cursed. Hence the murderous vagina. Whatever you took Jenny, take it back LOL.

  137. I just looked at your photo essay – I did that ziplining course as well, and I think the same luau. Sweet!

    PS. There is a new disclaimer on the zombie gnome website that they do not ship to Hawaii, and an explanation regarding international shipping. This is because of me. Apologies to all.

  138. You were in Hawaii, by Hana… My best friend moved over there 12 years ago. Did you stay at Hana Hotel? Her hubs is a manager there. If you ever come to Oahu, I can show you around.

  139. My cat’s vaccination reminder arrived on the same day as my gynaecological knees-up reminder. I decided that we should swap appointments.

  140. Ok, that’s hilarious… We just got back from a week in Maui, and saw this very sign on a journey you’d be proud of (or at least respect just how truly stupid we were.) We took the road to Hana. The *back* road. Around the mountain. On the washed out one-lane roads. In a Mustang convertable. Evidently, we don’t have the makings of a functioning brain between the two of us, especially after my deathly-afraid-of-heights bride went into shock after about the 100th hairpin turn on a cliff.

    I seriously think that if you offered to give me $1 million in cash if I picked it up by car in Hana, I’d still have to tell you to fuck off. The drive was epic fucktardery. Beautiful, to be sure, but industrial-grade fucked up.

  141. Ok, I had to revisit this post, because I think my ovaries tried to kill me the other day and, daaaaaamn, do I sympathize with that now. I didn’t end up in the hospital, but I am definitely going to an gyno, stat. I thought normal cramps sucked.

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