Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

If you’re a long-time reader you already know about the book I’ve been working on for the last eleven years.  I don’t usually mention it here because writing a book when you have severe ADD is hell, and writing a blog post about writing a book  is like multiplying dead kittens by more dead kittens.  Or like dividing dead kittens by angry rabbits.  I don’t know how kitten-algebra works.

Victor just pointed out that I don’t actually have “severe, crippling ADD”, but I do have mild ADD and access to the internet, and that’s pretty much the same thing.  People with severe, crippling ADD might disagree, but luckily they’re too easily distracted to write hate mail.  Also, I seriously just forgot what this post was about and I had to go back to the top to reread it to remind myself what it was about.  That just happened.  This is exactly why it’s taken me eleven years to finish a single book.  Well done, me.

**********

A few months ago I took a dead mouse on a plane ride to New York City.   This probably happens inadvertently to lots of people (who have infestation problems and might be hoarders), but the difference is that my dead mouse was wearing clothes, and was traveling on my tray table (much to the chagrin of the man sitting next to me).    My mouse (Hamlet von Schnitzel) and I were going to New York so that I could have some meetings, sign some things, and convince my publisher that a dead mouse was much more photogenic than myself and should probably be on the cover of my book.

I was going to write about all of this at the time, but then I got distracted, so instead this post is stolen from my journal and twitter stream.  I apologize in advance for confusing the hell out of you.  This will all make sense at the end.  Probably.

**********

September 11, 2011

The man sitting next to me on the plane just suggested that my dead mouse might be more comfortable in my purse.  I explained that Hamlet von Schnitzel has severe claustrophobia.  Then my seat-mate stared at the mouse skull in Hamlet’s tiny mouse paw and I explained: “He’s an aspiring actor.  We’re going to New York for head-shots.”  And then the guy put on his headphones and refused to speak to me.  It was a good choice.

**********

I get to New York late so the publishers put me up at a hotel down the street from their office.  This is the fanciest hotel I’ve ever brought a dead mouse to. I feel Julia Roberts in the first half of Pretty Woman.

The prostitutey half.

Hamlet in New York.

**********

The porter (let’s call him Bob) offered to bring my bags up, but I’m a super-light traveler so I just had one big purse and a dead mouse.  He chose to carry the purse.

**********

In the elevator, Bob explained that this is a “transient hotel” and I was all, “Like a flophouse?”  He just looked at me and I assumed maybe he didn’t know what a flophouse was, so I clarified, “You mean, like a crack house?”  He was still quiet, so to fill the awkward silence I said, “Because this is the swankiest damn crack house I’ve ever been in.”  Then more people got on the elevator and they stared at me and I assumed they were staring because they only heard the last part of our conversation, so I further clarified “Not that I’ve been in a lot of crack houses, I mean.  I was just being polite.”

In hindsight, it’s possible that they staring at me because I was carrying a dead mouse and because the hotel porter had a hot-pink purse on his shoulder, and not because I was bragging about all the crack houses I hadn’t been to.  It didn’t really matter though because we got off on the next floor, and then Bob explained that a “transient hotel” is one where people stay overnight.  I explained that normal people just call that “a hotel.”

**********

Bob tried to show me how to work the complicated panels of buttons that operated things normal people don’t need buttons for.

Um...what?

Things like curtains.  And the curtains behind the curtains.

me:  So the curtain’s curtains don’t have curtains?  What kind of a shoddy operation is this?

Bob:  I’ll be sure to bring that up to Mr. Trump at the next meeting.

I’m not entirely sure he was joking.

**********

WTF?  I just found the “PILLOW MENU”.

It’s a menu of the six types of pillows they’ll deliver to your room if you don’t like the 11 pillows already in the room. I couldn’t even make up 6 different types of pillows.  One is made by Tibetan mountain healers and is “fortified with natural, organic fertilizers.”

Rich people: "Can you send up the Tibetan fertilizer pillow?" Everyone else: "Oh, you mean THE SHIT PILLOW."

This is exactly why no one trusts rich people.

**********

I am missing a toilet.  No shit, y’all.  There is no toilet in this room.  Apparently, rich people just hold it.  Or pay someone else to go for them.

**********

I still haven’t located a toilet, but I did find what I assume to be a leather, sex flog in the closet.  It’s disconcerting.  I miss Motel 6, where they leave the light on for you and you have to supply your own sex flog. And also, they have toilets.

Leather sex flog. Probably. In all fairness, it's possible that it's a very flat shoe-horn or a rather ineffective fly-swatter.

**********

me (via twitter):  Seriously, this is a crazy-fancy hotel and there’s not a toilet here.

My friend Maureen:  In really nice hotels, they send someone up to hold a bucket and you pee into it.”

I’m pretty sure she was just fucking with me, but at this point I question everything.

**********

I call down to room service, but everything on the menu is confusing or unpronounceable.

Me: Do you guys have hamburgers?

Room service: Did you mean Lamb burgers?

Me: Not even remotely.

**********

When the guy from room service (Not Bob) came up I asked him if this room comes with a toilet.  Apparently this is a pretty common question, as he immediately opened a door that I thought was part of the frosted glass wall.

It was a relief, but also disconcerting, as there was a phone in there with “MS. LAWSON” written on it.  Which was weird, because why would anyone need to be reminded of who they are while using their own toilet?

Thanks for the welcome, toilet phone. Also, I just realized that there's a button on the phone for "weather". To control it, I assume.

**********

I took off my dress to avoid spilling anything on it.  And that would have been fine except that when I hit the button that I thought turned on the lights I realized that it actually opened the curtains and I was suddenly mostly naked in front of a wall-sized window over Soho.  Then I hit another button to stop the curtain, but that just opened up the second, filmy curtain.  Then I was just wildly  slamming buttons, and lights were blinking on and off, and the curtains were slamming back and forth.  From the street I assume it looked like I was attending an unpopular disco-orgy.

**********

The next morning.

I didn’t steal any towels, but I did take all of the soaps and lotions.  I’m taking the phone too, because it has my name on it.

**********

Never mind.  I am not taking the phone.  Because that would be wrong.  And because it is nailed to the wall.  Which is a little untrusting, if you ask me.

**********

Meeting with the publishers.

They’re all very awesome and professional.  I placed a dead mouse on the board room table and instead of freaking out they all excitedly said, “OH!  Is that Hamlet von Schnitzel?!” because they’ve all read the book and know his backstory.   It suddenly dawns on me that all of these strangers in business suits know more about my childhood than my therapist does.  They also know far more about my vagina than of most people I have professional meetings with.  It’s both unsettling and comforting all at once.  These are things no one ever warns you about when you write your memoirs.  This is probably why Stephen King never writes about his vagina.

**********

Today:

The book is available for pre-0rder.  I open up my computer and stare in awe at the cover.

It’s been one hell of a strange journey.  Thank you for making it with me.

PS. The book doesn’t come out until next year, but you can pre-order it right this very second at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Indie Bound.  

Hamlet von Schnitzel and I thank you for your support.  We couldn’t have done this without you.

For real.  Thank you.

748 thoughts on “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Who’s Jen Lancaster? Never heard of her. I’ve heard of you, though! Congrats. I’m so happy for you (mostly because you’re proving that a blog can lead to fame and book deals. Also because I love you, but mostly that first thing).

  2. SO PROUD OF YOU! Stuff like this is why I tell people that you’re my very best friend in all the world. And why I have that room upstairs wallpapered with your photos and cluttered with Bloggess memorabilia. Not in a stalkerish way, of course.

  3. That was hilarious. Congrats on finishing the book.

    Bob sounds like a really nice guy. Most people wouldn’t have taken the time to reassure you that you hadn’t accidentally checked into the kind of hotel where you’re not allowed to spend the night.

  4. ZOMG! I CANNOT wait for this to come out!!! Seriously. I very nearly (ok, MOSTLY) pissed myself just reading about the trip to see a man about a book!

  5. Awesome!
    I imagine if I had a pillow menu at my house it would be limited to three choices:
    (1) 10 year old pillow I have washed far too many times, but is still somewhat comfortable.
    (2) Couch pillow that is remarkably fluffy.
    (3) Bring your own goddamned pillow because Trump does not live here.

  6. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzOMG! I CANNOT wait for this book! Seriously. I very nearly (ok, MOSTLY) pissed myself just reading about seeing a man about a book!

  7. Love your post…funny…informative…AND photos! Does not get any better than that!

  8. I read your entry (I read ALL of them, you know), got to the bottom and it said “0 Comments” and I clicked on the Comment link and by the time I got here there were SIX fuckers ahead of me! I want a time travel machine like they have! And now there’s probably sixTY comments.

    I am now going to pre-order order your book because while your vagina is probably interesting and all, I really want to know about your childhood. So I can avoid some of the mistakes with my kids. Although since they’re 10 and 16 it’s probably too late.

  9. But, a pillow menu? That blew my mind. There are so many starving children who have to sleep without a pillow, and there are pillow menus? Next you’re going to tell me there are food menus…oh, wait.

    Congrats on the book! I think the cover looks awesome.

  10. And also, I very clearly cannot post comments very well. But, in all fairness… it did say that my first post had no comment so I reposted and well, here we are.

  11. OH GOD I’M SO EXITED. Is there any way we can make them publish it sooner? Pretty Please? I NEED THIS NOW!

  12. No, thank YOU. It may suck sometimes to be stuck inside your own head, but I think I can speak for the rest of the internet when I say that I’m sure glad you’re here on these internets and on this earth, Jenny Lawson. So there.

  13. Well I almost forgot what this post was about because I was dying laughing and trying to explain about the dead mouse to my daughter who kept running over to see what was so funny.

    But seriously, congrats on the book and the awesomesauce cover!

  14. Holy crap – you’ve done it! CONGRATS! {and I don’t believe for a minute that you didn’t get Hamlet to steal the phone while you were distracting everyone with the disco-dancing}

  15. I cannot wait to read it!! Hamlet Von Schnitzel looks so proud to be on the cover…do you think Beyonce is going to be jealous??? Now you have to write another book so Beyonce can have her own cover!

  16. I tried to read this aloud to my husband and had to stop because I was hyperventilating from laughing. I don’t think I’d like a hotel with shit pillows and baby lamb dinners (I bet they would have let you kill the lamb yourself…you know, a perk for the rich. Maybe that’s what the flogger was for).

    Can’t wait for the book to learn more about your vagina.

  17. Just got cold chills and almost burst into tears! You are a wonder and I’m so happy for you. Sweet cover; best looking dead mouse in the literary world. Now that I’ve secured a part-time, temporary job (WOO HOO!) first thing I’m gonna buy with my first check is this book. You’re welcome!

  18. Jenny, congradulations! And to think I knew you *before* you were a best-selling authoress. Or had been blocked by William Shatner.

    Now, if I could just get the book on my Kindle, or NOOK…

    ~EdT.

  19. Obviously fancy hotels have someone come up with a bucket when you need to use the restroom. How else did you think they made the shit pillows?

    Also, preordering.

  20. “This is probably why Stephen King? never writes about his vagina.”- That might be one of the reasons. There are other, more obvious ones, that I can think of.

    I’m very excited to read the book. I generally stay away from memoirs, but I have a feeling that yours will be well-worth the read. Congratulations!

  21. Congratulations, Jenny! Take Hamlet somewhere nice to celebrate.

    Also, the next time some douche canoe on the plane is all “brak brak brak i suck,” you should just be all, “Baby, you plus me equals us,” and when he gets all pissy you can be all, “Don’t speak!…let’s just FEEL,” and then have Hamlet just sort of gently stroke his cheek.

    Or, just, you know, like, steal his Kosher meal.

  22. I just order one copy for me. One copy for my parents so they’ll understand I’m not the only bizarre misfit in the world, and one extra copy because I know I’ll be giving my copy away to friends that I know I’ll be screaming to : YOU NEED TO READ THIS BOOK NOW OR WE WILL NO LONGER BE FRIENDS.

    I’m not dating anyone who doesn’t love your book. It will be my new test.

    Thanks for making me realize I’m not alone in the world. Hello, tribe.

  23. Who the fuck hides the toilet? What kind of sick rich people game is that? One that ends badly, I promise you that.

    Thank goodness those publishing people had the sense to take your advice about Hamlet. This cover is made of win. And I’m fixin’ to pre-order me a copy right this instant.

    – Liz

  24. I seriously peed myself. Not sure if it was from laughter or excitment. Regardless, incontinence is not normal for me. Instead of changing my pants. I decided to post a congratulations. Maybe not my best decision, however, its a start. So congrats!

    Ps. When is there going to be more clown porn?

  25. I can’t wait to read the book! I guess I have ADD too as I often get caught in the Vortex of the Internet and can’t get things done. This is probably why I am not a successful Blogger like you! (In my defense – just starting out.) Yeah, lame excuse. Moving on…I have never heard of a hotel referred to as a transient hotel either. I figured a “long-term” hotel is when you stay longer than a week. The hidden toilet would have freaked me out to, but I agree, the personal phone should have been a perk just like the toiletries.

    CONGRATULATIONS!

  26. I’m so NOT waiting for it in paperback. Congratulations, Jenny, my friend. I’m proud of you. Pre-Ordering it now. Love, your friend, Laurie F.

  27. Awesome! Amazing! I am FREAKING EXCITED!!! Mostly about your book … but also about that Pillow Menu. Damn! Actually…. this is the PERFECT Christmas Gift for my sister. LOVE!!!!

  28. Bloggess,

    I am climbing out of my own depression hole, and you just became the sun overhead. Thank you so much for the laugh, and for being you.

    Now, could you come here and get all stabby on my boss? Cause that would be great.

  29. I cannot WAIT to have that on my nightstand. Next year, though? As in, January 2012? Or December 22, 2012, after the next predicted apocalypse? Cause its really mean to tease people like that.

  30. Congratulations!! I’m doing NaNo WriMo for the third year and, as I do every year, I dream of seeing a book in print with my name on it. It makes me giddy. You are actually seeing it and I am jealous, but not in a “I want you dead” kind of jealousy thing. More of a “You are so awesome I wish I was you” kind of way. I hope that makes sense and totally is not creepy. 😀

  31. I wish I could pay double and read it now instead of in six months! Congratulations, Jenny — I’m sure it was a lot of work, but I’ll bet it’s awesome!

  32. Nicely done!! I’d preorder it but a year is a damn long time to remember a deduction from my bank account lol.

  33. Thank you for documenting your stay at a fancy transient hotel. I will probably never get to stay in one, but just in case I ever do, I am very relieved (get it?… wait, ew) to find out they have a toilet. Looking forward to your book!

  34. This is the best book announcement post I have ever read. Also, that is the book cover with a dead mouse on it that I have ever seen. Also, the fertilizer issue aside, regarding that Aromatic Pillow, I really would like to know what it would feel like to sleep on a pillow stuffed with mountain healer wisdom. (And shit, of course. If I read correctly it is stuffed with both. Which is really sort of Zen when you think about it.)

  35. i WILL be buying this. besides the spectacular cover, you’ve made me laugh on good days and bad. i support you for better or worse. congrats!

  36. I’ve only read a couple of your blogs, but I KNEW you had severe, crippling ADD. I could smell it on you. I have it too. Totally forgot the point I wanted to make with this comment.

  37. Apparently, Amazon thinks I can’t read as it linked me to the audio version. Awfully, presumptuous and judgemental, Amazon.

  38. I am trying to figure out how I can buy this book and deal with my crippling fear of mice at the same time. I cannot risk accidentally looking at the cover; misjudging my scrolling speed down this page nearly made me vomit in anxiety.

  39. I’m glad you enjoyed your fancy staying overnight hotel/unpopular disco orgy with the secret agent toilet. I absolutely LOVE the book cover! It must be so surreal for you when you look at it! Congratulations! I guess I know what I’ll be giving as gifts in the year 2012.

  40. I’m pretty sure I threw my back out just reading this post about the long-awaited book. I can’t wait for the actual book! I must invest in traction. Whatever that is.

    This also reminds me of my 4-year old niece’s favorite new saying: “What the Schnitzel?” I think it will catch on. Or she will be shipped to boarding school with dead mice.

  41. Jenny! Congrats on finishing your book! I hope to order it eventually. Thanks for continually making me laugh all the time until I almost pee myself. It is a good thing I can easily find my toilets! 😉

  42. To be fair, it’s a Cisco phone. The amount they cost *I’d* nail it to the wall too……

  43. The show I mean, not actually Ellen herself. That would be awkward. Also, I think her wife might get a little pissed off.

  44. How am I supposed to wait until this book comes out. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do with myself? I need this book. I need to have a book with a taxidermied mouse dressed like Hamlet in my house.

  45. I’m pre-ordering it NOW and will paste the pic of us from BlogHer ‘-07 on backcover. And then I will mail it for you to sign. Please omit all dead or living animals in the return. XOXO

  46. Ahhhhhhhh….but I don’t whaaaannnnaaaa wait a whole year (in my whiny voice)! I adore you Bloggess!

  47. OMG April 12th is so far away! Course 11 years is longer but I didn’t know I was waiting all that time so it’s different. I’m SO getting the book the minute it comes out…. B&N invaded by crazies… it will be full of win!!

  48. I’m super stoked about the book, but pride isn’t letting me order it a year in advance. I’m not sure why, but my instincts tell me there’s something very Single White Female about it. Which is weird because I haven’t seen that movie since it came out on video – and I’m pretty sure I was 13.

    Long story short, I’m trying to play it cool.

  49. This is so exciting! I can’t wait to read it. I really hope you do a book tour — and come to Pittsburgh. I promise not to give you a shit pillow. Congrats!

  50. Who nails down a phone? I would think people steal more towels than phones and you don’t see those nailed to the wall. I look forward to ordering your book whenever I have money. I was going to go sell blood…or plasma…whichever offered more money, but my girlfriend has alerted me to the fact that apparently no one pays for blood anymore. They just expect people to donate it. What hogwash is that?

  51. GREAT true story – my daughter just caught a glimpse of Hamlet von Schnitzel and said, “What is that?” I said, “A dead mouse.” She was shocked. She thought it was a live mouse posing. (We are a theatrical family.) Her verdict: That’s gross.

  52. I am trying to pre-order the book, but I refuse to pay for it. For some reason Amazon doesn’t have a feature for that. I mean honestly, Amazon should be paying ME. They are going to be making money off of my pain and suffering, which seems…..well, ok, it seems fine, because it was a long time ago. Time heals all wounds, and glosses over most scars.

  53. God I look forward to reading this, Brown and Blue Asthma pumps to hand as they normally are before I even attempt to open one of your Blogs. Ishbel said, “If you have another attack and die while try to read that bloody woman’s blog, I hope she knows I’m suing her” Know you know, so stop being so bloody funny…….

  54. *does happy dance*
    I can’t wait to read it. You’ll never get used to seeing the book on your shelf. My first novel came out 3 years ago and I still look at it and go, “Holy shit, did *I* do that?”
    Congrats!

  55. Congrats on your book. I can’t wait to read it~~I love your blog! Brings a smile to my face!

  56. This is now officially the best day ever! Or at the every least the best day in the last two weeks, but as the last two weeks have not been the best of times doesn’t mean much. So let’s go back to best day ever! SQUEE! I’m preordering now, can’t wait to read it! Holy shit this is a lot of exclamation points. !

  57. I have no real words to tell you how excited I am other then to say that Your book looks like the Most Epic-est of Epic that i’ve ever witnessed! Congrats on the (epic) wicked cover and I can’t wait to read it!

  58. Jenny, Congratulations!! Well done. I love the cover! I also loved your account of traveling to NY with Hamlet von Schnitzel. So that’s how you know it’s a real swanky hotel…when they hide the toilet…oh, that and when there’s a telephone in the stall. lol Good to know. 🙂

  59. About to go pre-order your book, keep your fingers crossed for me that someone doesn’t steal my credit card information again between now and when the book comes out. That happened after I had pre-ordered the new Cake Wrecks holiday book and I forgot to update the order with the new card # so after it was finally supposed to ship I got a message telling me there was a problem with my order and I ended up getting the book late.

    Also, Hamlet is very dashing and that elitist dude sitting next to you on the plane probably did YOU a huge favor by putting on his headphones.

  60. I’ve told the husband this needs to be a birthday, anniversary, or Christmas gift next year. Looking forward to it!

  61. HOLY FUCK! That’s awesome.

    I just pre-ordered it.

    It will be like Christmas morning when I get it in April. No really. Because it’s like a gift you’re giving me that I paid for. Just like when I send a pair of boots to my parents house and tell them to wrap ’em up and put them under the tree for me.

    Merry Christmas!

  62. I just shared & posted this on FB:
    I am preordering this book NOW– OR– wait, wait– CHILDREN? (As in, MY CHILDREN– NOT STUDENTS– I mean the children who sprang forth from my loins….Apologies to those of you who just threw up a little in your mouth, thinking about my loins)— Mandy Fehlbaum, Alissa Fehlbaum, or Kristen Fehlbaum— this is on Mommy’s Christmas list which previously did not exist until, ya know, NOW: even though it doesn’t come out in time for Christmas, the thought WILL count if you pre-order it for me.

  63. I haven’t been a long time reader, but I still want to peruse that sucker because who wouldn’t with a dead mouse on the front?

  64. Oh my god I WANT that book. So I do have ADD the not super crippling kind obviously because I can focus long enough to hit “submit” but I totally get how the internet makes ADD much much worse. In fact the internet might have invented ADD. On a totally unrelated note, that hotel sounds strange and confusing. I think their competition could go far with the slogan “come to the Marriott- our toilets are easy to find!”

  65. CONGRATULATIONS JENNY!!!!! I can’t wait to read it!!It’s already on my top 5 favorite books of all time!

  66. I’m beginning to regret not investing in an education in taxidermy when I had the chance.

    You go, Jenny! Brava! Can’t wait to read the book.

  67. I’ve been reading your blog for some time now without ever writing a comment.

    But now I thought I’d tell you that I just pre-ordered your book. I’m sure it’ll be great.

  68. Congratulations! That looks absolutely amazing (the cover design is fabulous, but no surprise there) and I can’t wait to get a hold of it :D!

  69. Yaaay, a book! It’s about time. Not to make you feel bad about your crippling ADD or anything, but really… it’s about time!!

    Congrats!

  70. Can’t wait for the book! I know it’ll be the best thing ever. But we’ll pretend it never happened anyway.

  71. Excellent!!! Can’t wait – but I don’t wanna pre-order no book mass produced for the great unwashed… I want a signed autographed one made out to to me… something like “to the guy who totally trashed all my jokes when repeating them in the office and everyone now avoids”

  72. Congrats!!!!! And..thank you. I was part of the way out of the hole and just laughing at this post…I think I am just about out of the pit. Or maybe it’s just that scene from The Ring when you discover what “The Ring” refers to? Anyway, am pre-ordering. Because I plan to be around to receive my copy.

  73. Wow, I’d totally love a pillow menu. The offerings in this house are “pillow flattened by husband’s block head (and secretly swapped with yours)”, “lumpy pillow”, “hard as a rock pillow” and “pillow with drool stains”.

    Actually, the shit pillow might be an improvement. Especially if it comes with the wisdom of mountain healers.

    Congrats to you and Hamlet.

  74. A-MA-ZING. Wonderful back story, beautiful cover. I can’t wait until you travel by plane with a weasel and cobra for the next book cover.

  75. I’m so glad I found your blog. Read it beginning to end in two days. Just pre-ordered the book, although I hope I forget so that when April rolls around it’s like “Wow. Someone sent me a package. Oh yeah, that was me. Oh me you’re so sweet!”

  76. I can’t wait to read it, Jenny! Can you please send me an early copy? I’m sure I’m the only one who’s asked you. Either way, can you name my vagina, please? Thanks.

  77. So I tweeted this to you, but it sounds weird as a tweet, so I’ll write it here as well.
    I was reading this blog post to my mom and when I was done we had this convo:
    Me: I am so like The Bloggess. I think I need my on Victor.
    Mom: You are like her. You should ask her where she got him.
    Me: *Think she was talking about Hamlet* Maybe her dad made him for her and she dressed him up.
    Mom: Her HUSBAND?
    Me: Ohhh…I thought you were talking about Hamlet…
    Then we laughed a lot because it would be funny if your dad had made Victor and you dressed him up. I’m assuming you do dress him up sometimes.

    But I cannot WAIT for your book. Why do we have to wait so long? 🙁

  78. Pre-ordered your book on Amazon, and I noticed that Neil Gaiman reviewed your book! That is so awesome! I can’t wait to read your book!

  79. The hotel experience is a book in itself. It could be an educational book for prepositions. I taught them as “anywhere a mouse could go,” so HvS would be useful. And now I have the Schoolhouse Rock song back in my head… On the top is where you are. If you try you know that you can fly… over the rainbow! My daughter smells like butt. (That’s not a part of the song but I had wine and she’s next to me and I have ADHD and can’t help myself.)

    Nobody better judge me for not updating my blog in three months. Sheesh.

  80. My pilates workout can suck it. I just have to read this again for the best ab workout of my life!! You are amazing and I can not wait for my copy of the book to proudly display in my house (and read of course!)

  81. I laughed so hard about the curtain thing that I think I broke a rib. It sounded like something I would do! Awesome. Will defiantly be getting the book. I will probably break all my ribs while reading it though! Love you Jenny. Thanks for always brightening up my day.

  82. I didn’t preorder because a year is a really long time and who knows where I will be. I mean who knows where anyone will be, right? But I expect you to remind us when the book is available for order or maybe even post order.

  83. Congrats, Jenny! I’m on year three of writing my book and am still stuck on the part where I decide what I’m going to write about.

    Thankfully, after reading this post and coming to the realization that my book could never compare to this guaranteed wit-infused amazingness, I’ve decided to skip the book and focus on my other passion:

    Taxidermy.

  84. Congratulations on getting a dead mouse holding a skull and named Hamlet on the cover. I really don’t think anyone but you could have made that happen.

  85. Thank you for sharing your adventure at the fancy hotel. I was laughing out loud and reading (and edited version) to my son. He said, “That would be really funny if it was real” When I told him it was his eyes got big and he said, “you’re right–rich people ARE weird!” I doubt I’ll ever find myself at a fancy hotel, but if I ever do I will be sure to think of you when looking for the missing toilet. I will buy your book, and thank you for writing it. I very rarely buy books due to my limited income and unlimited (it seems) number of kids, but that much laughter will be worth it, I’m sure.

  86. I need to be able to pre- order for the kindle so it’s easier to take with me to public places. That way, when I have pass out from laughing there’s a greater chance someone will see that I get medical attention.

  87. Dammit. I want a dead rat (not a mouse) holding the skull of a mouse (not a rat). I shall call him Hamrat. And he shall have ninjawear and a katana. Or maybe nunchucks. And wooden sandals.

  88. Without even thinking, I started clapping when I saw the cover.

    And OK…squealing a little, too.

    I need a life. And that book.

  89. Wait a minute, hold the phone. Is that a live hamster pretending to be a dead mouse reading the New Yorker? I’m on to you, Bloggess.

    totally pre-ordering. Love.

  90. Yahoo, yippee kaiy-yai-ay motherfuckers! (motherfuckers = all those ppl that told you it couldn’t be done, shouldn’t be done, or never will happen.) AND a merry Christmas and Happy Halloween to those motherfuckers too! Oh, and congrats bloggess! You are my idol!

  91. This is beyond the awesomeness. The book, the fancy crackhouse hotel, the hidden toilet…everything.

  92. Yeah, well, I just wrote 1400 words in NaNoWriMo… you know, between pre-ordering your book and reading this post…

  93. WooHoo and congratulations! I read someone who’s a published author!

    Actually, I always do that.

    I like to mix things up by traveling on a plane to NY with a pre-ordered book, to talk about a mouse.

    Seriously, congratulations. That’s cool.

  94. My wife also said that you’re becoming a bad influence as I have now started swearing but I still couldn’t bring myself to tell her to eff off!

  95. I like your Amazon bio! It ends with: “Her blog (www.thebloggess.com) is award-winning, extremely”

    I am sure your book will also be award-winning, extremely

    I’ll buy it 🙂

  96. You just made my day, AND then I realized that a year is a FREAKING long time to wait. A lot can happen to a girl in a year. Like death. GAWD, please do not let me die before I can read is book. When Stephen King took 15+ drinking years to finish his GUNSLINGER series, I found myself praying to the LORD that Stephen would not die before he could finish the book. In this case, I will have to pray that I don’t die before this books comes out! Please don’t let me die!

  97. You are living the dream! Hugest congratulations, but also on this post, which was like a shot of instant happy.

    Where can I get my own dead mouse?

  98. Awesome! Writing books isn’t easy, I’ve tried a few times and failed…pretty sure I suffer the wrath of the ADD monster too. I can’t wait till this comes out! 🙂

  99. YAY!

    And on a side note – I’m totally glad SK doesn’t write about his Vag… because it would probably be too gritty and realistic… and, well… just plain wrong. And it might be able to move things without touching them. That would creep. me. the. fuck. out.

  100. Ah, Jenny. You never fail to come through for us. That may be the very best book cover I’ve ever seen. I absolutely cannot wait to read your book.

    It occurred to me that you may have inadvertently quoted Hamlet on many a sleepless night, “..To sleep, perchance to dream…”

    Love you!

  101. Ordered!!! Well, pre-ordered ordered. You know what I mean.

    Congratulations, Jenny! Awesome accomplishment!!!

  102. Jenny!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOWOZERS! I am silly happy for you! I’ve been reading your blog for years now and I just can’t wait to get my hands on your book!
    Oh, how exciting!!!!!!!!! Hugs! Congrats!! 🙂

  103. I don’t think I have ever pre ordered a book. Ever. Not Harry Potter or Stephen King or anything with the words “Xena Warrior Princess.” But I am pre ordering this. You are my new Xena only I really don’t want you walking around carrying a sword and a chakram.

  104. Can’t wait to read this book. Do you get more $$$ from a “real” book sale or from a Kindle book sale? I think authors get more from Kindle, but I so want people to see me reading a book with Hamlet von Schnitzel on the cover so they’ll go buy one too!

    Please tell me there will there be Hamlet von Schnitzel Christmas cards this year?

  105. Reading that was like driving a big truck up a mountain on a one-lane road that drops off on the driver’s side and at the top, finally, there’s a Baskin Robbins where they let you sample every flavor for free. Who writes like that!

  106. I just wanted to give my sincerest congratulations! And even though I’m personally terrified of plague-carrying mice, I think Hamlet is kind of cute. On paper, at a distance.

  107. I’ve been to that hotel. It was so insanely overwhelming so I just hid in the bathtub until I felt better. And then I drank martinis & jumped on the bed. It seemed like the thing to do in a place like that.

  108. I thought your hotel stay was hilarious from reading it on your twitter feed, but it just gets funnier with every retelling.
    I love the book cover, pure genius!!

  109. You Rock!!! Congrats. It seems a little funny though…how excited I am for you.

  110. Great post!

    Congratulations on the book. I will get a copy. I love your writing, and cant wait to read the book!

  111. Preordered!! Debating whether I should go order copies for my mom. And my sister. And my BFF.

    Hey, does this mean there’s going to be a BOOK TOUR?!?!

  112. You are awesome and my hero. CONGRATS FOR FINISHING! And I’ve ordered the book! Cannot wait!

    At first I was like NO, there’s no kindle version, I will have to wait for it to ship to get it and then realized that since it’s preorder, it’ll be arriving on the release date anyway, and this way I have an actual hardcover that I can put on my shelf and I get to explain about Hamlet von Schnitzel to everyone who passes my bookshelf and it will be AMAZING.

    I made the mistake of reading this post while drinking hot tea – this was a SERIOUS ERROR. I recommend no one else ever do that. But to read this, you’ll have already read the post, so there’s really no saving you 🙁

    I’ve been reading you forever but had to comment because CONGRATS!!!! And all. That’s it!

  113. Hell yeah, goddammit! I am going to order it right now! Congratulations – the cover is magnificent.

  114. I cannot wait to read this book. You are so fucking funny. Your description of ADD as it relates to writing your book describes exactly how I feel about myself and my own self-diagnosed ADD and inability to finish my fucking book. You are doing this for mildy ADD writers everywhere! Congrats!

  115. I’m kind of terrified and fascinated about what pressing the “Room” on/off button would do. I mean, if you push it, do you blink your room out of the space time continuum or something? Even further, if you’re standing in the room, do you go with it? Or is it YOU that is put out of the continuum, so you are just floating in a void that is nowhere?

    This is going to keep me up all night, staring at my ceiling.

  116. Weirdly, I searched for your book on Amazon today… Before you wrote this post.

    Weird?

    And also, makes me feel like we have a psychic connection. Awesome (for me, that is).

  117. Yay! I am so proud!!! And so excited to read it, I’ve been waiting and waiting, but I figured I might be waiting a couple more years. I’m ecstatic! Thank you also for providing me what will be the awesomest book I’ve ever read! And if this makes no sense, please be aware that I’m typing this while pretending to listen to my husband go on and on about numbers. So now I’m just confusing these two conversations. Huh? Oh I’m just going to give up now, this makes no sense at all.

  118. I can’t wait. Strangely enough I also want to start writing a blog just so I can mention it in the comments on your blog. Is that wrong?

  119. I can totally relate to the curtain thing, because that is totally something I would do.
    I would have an aspiring actor mouse too, but my mom would freak out and make me get rid of him. Sigh.
    Can’t wait to read the book 🙂

  120. I can’t wait for the book…one question…is there like an Epic Edition that comes with a six foot chicken?

  121. You just never let me down! I am always laughing or commiserating on here. BEST. BLOG. EVER. I’ve always felt like an oddball in my personality and sense of humor but your blogs always make me feel pretty normal and I mean that in the BEST WAY POSSIBLE. Never stop!!

    🙂 <3

  122. Every writer knows what a labor (and labor of love) that first book is. Whether it’s 11 months, 11 years, or something in between. So so very proud of you Jenny. Too much so to be funny about it

    May you sell 100 zillion copies.

  123. I don’t even know what to say except that I am SUPER EXCITED FOR THIS TO HAPPEN.
    yay book and yay Jenny!

  124. You. Effing. Rock.
    And I knew Trump was in deep with the transient crackheads.

    Hey, is Hamlet going to use part of his royalties to have the mouse skull gold-plated?

  125. Holy Crap, that was hilarious! Can’t wait for the book, either. And you should seriously consider a special edition that comes with a metal chicken. No joke.

  126. Yippeeeee!! Pre-ordered and waiting anxiously. If your blog is any indication, your book is, no doubt, fantastic. Thanks Jenny for the smiles and guffaws.

  127. I noticed the phone with your name on it had one missed call. maybe an elevator mate, or Bob, or the pillow delivery people?? You probably missed the call because the toilet was hidden and you wondered why the wall was ringing. I would have TOTALLY never noticed a hidden toilet either. Thank God you didn’t have to pee…..

    Very funny post, Hamlet is adorable, and YAY!! on the book. Preordering will be done in this household!

  128. You finished it! Yay! (I was one of those annoying people who kept asking – “How is the book going?”)
    I’m so glad the publisher acceded to your wish to have Hamlet von Schnitzel on the cover; it turned out spectacularly. However, I assume there is an author photo on the back at least, or the inside back flap?

    Like everyone else, I wish this book were coming out sooner. We need to flood the publisher with requests for Christmas availability. After all, it’s a memoir, so they don’t have to do a bunch of fact-checking prior to publication. (That didn’t come out right. What I mean is you are the ultimate expert on the facts of your life). Anyway, congratulations Jenny.

    P.S. Who recorded the audio book?

  129. Mazel tov to you and Hammy von Schnitzel. There are no two more deserving people than you, two. Oh, and Victor (or is him real name Victim) should get the Nobel Peace Prize for living with you and surviving well enough to go to work in the morning. I think he must be totally awesomely cool!

    Good thing I know where the bathrooms are in this house. I’m laughing so hard that I need to get to one sooner rather than later.

    Go Jenny!

  130. Mazel tov to you and Hammy von Schnitzel. There are no two more deserving people than you, two. Oh, and Victor (or is him real name Victim) should get the Nobel Peace Prize for living with you and surviving well enough to go to work in the morning. I think he must be totally awesomely cool!

    Good thing I know where the bathrooms are in this house. I’m laughing so hard that I need to get to one sooner rather than later.

    Go Jenny!

  131. I laughed so hard reading this post that I think I woke up my sleeping kiddo. Love your warped way of thinking. Can’t wait to get my hands on a copy of you book, although I don’t really want to know more about your vagina.

  132. Oh, this post made me FURIOUSLY HAPPY and I have pre-ordered the book and will probably check on it a million six times before they ship it because I have zero patience. And because I already just KNOW it will be awesome.

    I am participating in the insanity known as NaNoWriMo because I am hoping that one day I will write something that is worth reading. Maybe we could go on a book tour together… We can make them give us a private green room so you don’t have a panic attack… And I think we’ll need a Pillow Menu, too.

    I’m curious about one thing. Why was there a phone next to the toilet? I am thinking it’s because the rich have someone come and wipe for them so they don’t have to risk soiling their hands. Or was there a toilet paper menu, as well? Maybe you were supposed to phone in an order for posterior powdering? I’ve never been rich, so I have no idea about these things… But I’d love to hear your thoughts!

  133. Awesome, awesome, awesome! I am so happy for you that you finished the book! I will trade you a sex flog for a whip. I’ve got 3. With poppers.

  134. I just pre-ordered this without hesitation. The only thing that ruined this amazing post was finding out that the book doesn’t come out till April 12. Not cool, Jenny.

    But seriously, you’re fantastic and congratulations 🙂

  135. Congratulations! I wonder how often in the “transitional” toilet-hiding hotel the maid service has to clean up after the guest who never found the privy. Because that’s class.

  136. I can’t believe I’m going to buy a book about a dead mouse who thinks he’s Hamlet. It helps that I used to work for bowhunters who were crazy dead animals, especially large, taxidermied ones.

  137. I have never in my life pre-ordered any book that won’t be out for 6 months. Until now. I just pre-ordered 2 because I have a seriously demented friend who will love it as much as I know I will. Congrats – you truly deserve it. Can’t wait until April. But then, I live in Minnesota and hopefully the ice will be off the lakes by then.
    Barb in Minnesota

  138. This is very cool. I just preordered a copy and paid as much for shipping as for the book, because THAT is how badly I want to read your words.

  139. I’m at tears.
    Because I can feel all the struggle and belief and just keep going that went into this.

    It’s like a dream.

    You did it.

    And I’m smiling through shining eyes for you.

    I am so very happy.

    YOu did it, Jenny.

    You really did it.

  140. I am so excited about your new book that I’m preordering it which is not something I’ve ever done – not even for 30 Rock or for an epidural when I had my daughter.

    CONGRATULATIONS!

  141. Congratulations! I hope this means you will be a NYT best-selling author who makes millions! But if not, well, you have the satisfaction of finishing something!

    Transient hotel? Really? We have one of those near my workplace. You can tell by the derelicts leaning over the balcony in the middle of the day. Sometimes they play chicken in lunchtime traffic. You’d be surprised how fast those people can move.

  142. #1: AWESOME

    #2: i was literally just thinking today about how you and jen lancaster would be best friends. MIND IS BLOWING RIGHT NOW. seriously, i think i have espn…

  143. I can’t preorder it right this second, but when I get my first paycheck from my new job in a week or two I think a good part of it may need to go towards that. I love the picture of Hamlet von Schnitzel! He may be my favourite of your critters, living, dead, or non-real.

  144. Okay, first of all, I really think they should have a toilet menu. Because if you’re rich, you should be allowed to pick your toilet, right?

    Second, I can’t wait for your book. Sooo brilliant.

    Third, there really wasn’t a toilet menu? You would think it would go perfectly with the fertilizer pillows.

  145. That is so AWEsome! I can’t wait to read the book…

    And how appropriate for National Use Your Common Sense Day! I shall utilize my own common sense by pre-ordering the book!

    To infinity and beyond!

    Prevail~Tattoo Girl

  146. Oh, and also happy National Chicken Lady Day! I have no idea who the Chicken Lady, but after reading about your exploits at the airport, perhaps the Chicken Lady is you!

    SOOOOOOO….HAPPY NATIONAL CHICKEN LADY DAY!!!

    Prevail~Tattoo Girl

  147. Congrats Jenny!!!

    I often wonder if you have a chance to read all these – but it doesn’t matter because I’m SO PROUD of you!!

    I already pre-ordered it. I am so PSYCHED.

    As someone who is working on a book myself, which will probably take years too, I want to say again WAY TO GO GIRL!

  148. You are amazing and I cannot wait to read it! So! I buy the book, mail it to you, you autograph and send it back, yes? I pay for postage both ways of course. Yes? Please?

  149. Fantastic. And congratulations! I normally don’t read memoirs unless they revolve around somebody’s misery or have pictures, but I think that I will make the exception here.

  150. 1. I put your pre-ordered book in my Amazon shopping cart, but I haven’t pulled the trigger yet, so let’s call that pre-pre-ordering. Like the drug deal before the lonely drinking before the disco orgy.

    2. I badly want to meet Hamlet von Whatshisfuck in person. I have live mice (in a cage) and a small stuffed mouse named Algernon that I take places with me, but I don’t have an actual dead mouse. (Unless you count the two buried in my side yard, but I don’t because they’re more like mouse skeletons now. I assume. I haven’t dug them up. Yet.) Anywho, I think Algernon and your skull carrier would get along splendidly.

    3. WAIT. I KNOW WHERE WE COULD GET TWO MORE MOUSE SKULLS.

  151. A pillow menu with only 6 options? The swanky hotel The Boy stays at has 11 on theirs… which I always snigger at. I remember the days when there was only four types: hard, medium, soft and feather.

    I totally can’t wait to read your book!!!!

  152. Yay!

    And I hear you on the meeting. I once pitched a management consulting job to a man who looked very familiar. Halfway through I realized he was the dermatologist who’d performed my last full-body (read naked) skin cancer check. I was glad I didn’t get that job.

  153. They were planning for you to be drinking heavily in the bathroom (as you are wont to do) and to be needed to be reminded of your name. Obviously.
    Also, I am now for real like mounting my BlogHer poem you wrote about liking my hair…but that you wouldn’t scalp me.
    Congrats!

  154. Wow. I have been reading your blog for a few years and following you on twitter and have such incredible respect for you. You inspire and give so many such joy. I have been living with depression for a few years. Strangely it reared it’s ugly head once I became a mother, something I yearned for. During this very difficult time I discovered you. You have often been my shining light. I cannot wait to read this book. Thank you for what you give so many of us.

  155. 1. Everyone who can open more than one window on their computer now has ADD.

    2. I should not drink red wine while reading your posts because I took a sip just before I read that you opened the curtains in all your glory and now I will be trying to scrub my 2 buck chuck out of my lungs all weekend.

    3. I got a little misty when I saw the book cover. For real, that is absolutely amazing!

  156. I love that you can make me laugh until no more sound comes out. Few people can do that. Thank you for being one of them. You absolutely rock.

  157. I seriously laughed out loud. Actual sound. That was amazing. I do remember most of the Tweets and I laugh at the phone (I manage our IP phones at work…so I know how that stuff works.)

    Congratulations on being published on paper. And thank you for sharing your amazing awesomeness with all of us.

  158. Oh oh oh man… I hurt myself laughing just reading this… Can NOT wait for the book! Congrats to you and to Hamlet, soon to be the most famous dead mouse in history!

  159. After this you should make a book specifically about parenting and have a cover of a dead baby wearing a ruff, just so it follows omn from the previous one.

  160. My husband just came up behind me and started reading over my shoulder and laughing asking about the stuffed mouse. He never laughs at stuff. I told him Jenny is really really funny.
    So excited for your book. Really I am.

  161. I absolutely love the cover of your book, and I can’t wait to read the back-story on Hamlet von Schnitzel—it sounds intriguing, and slightly frightening. You are truly incredible. Congratulations on the book!

  162. Jeeeeezus, you’re already #97 in books & #12 in Memoirs on the Amazon list. I salute you, motherfucker! (Except in my head, that last bit comes out in Crazy Asian woman as “MothaFuckaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh”.)

    Can’t wait to read it.

  163. some scattered thoughts:
    For such a fancy hotel you’d think they wouldn’t refer to it as a transient one.

    I would like a pillow menu.

    I love the cover and even if I hadn’t hear of you, read your blog, follow you on twitter and type this outside your bedroom window (oh hi!) I would still order it.

    In fact. Pre-ordered!

  164. Oh man, I kind of like the idea of having a pocket sized dead mouse to shut people the fuck up on flights. That may have to be my new party trick. And my mother in law… oh man that would make her silent for years…. awesome.

    The book looks awesome… cannot wait to order this. If I can’t find my own dead mouse I’m just going to use the cover as a stand in 😉 Congrats!

  165. too weird…I just started reading you and I am so proud of you I could cry. You are amazing.

  166. Once again, I find myself sagging over my laptop, crying from laughter while trying not to wake up my sleeping children and getting ready to drag my husband over to read it…

  167. Jenny (I thought your name was Bloggess?), I can’t wait to read this book! Will it be available on Kindle?

  168. That’s amazing! I mean the part about the book being published, not the be-costumed dead mouse holding another dead mouse’s skull. But that’s pretty awesome, too, I guess.

    I CRACKED UP through this whole thing! Love it.

  169. I hope this book will be available in ebook format! I’ve already added it to my wish list though. Can’t wait.

  170. Jenny, congrats 🙂 I am excited for the release of your book… and a little scared! I FB your posts all the time cuz you are are my inside voice that needs to be heard! Thank you 🙂

  171. How do I get my copy signed? This is important for me to know. I only have till April to make my plans. You know, for kidnapping you if you don’t agree to sign my book by some simpler method less likely to land me in jail.

  172. Please tell me this is gonna be available on Kindle – pretty pretty please…

    Or I might have to hold my breath until April…

  173. You should actually pick ONE DAY for everybody who reads you to order the book, to give you a huge Amazon bump. The guys who wrote “Machine of Death” did that by having Ryan North announce ordering day on his Dinosaur Comics blog every day for a couple of weeks, and we (the buyers) managed to knock Glen Beck’s shitty book out of the #1 spot when both books debuted on the same day.

  174. I really want to buy your book, but on the kindle. Why isn’t it on the kindle Jenny? I’d gladly help you with the epublishing for a free copy, if your publisher won’t.

  175. It only took Joseph Heller nine years to write Catch 22, so if your book took 11 years to write, it will absolutely blow Heller out of the friggin water. Or the ground, if he is dead. But, heh, no pressure.

  176. Congratulations! However, I’m not going to pre-order it because in a year there’s a chance I may have a full-time job instead of two part time ones and maybe I’ll have some sort of workable budget with which to pay for your book.

    Not that you really had to know that. A glimpse into the life of a recent college grad!

  177. Does your book come in Braille? Question: if Braille is for blind people, what type of special book do deaf people read? If anyone has an answer, I request one deaf book and one Braille book.

  178. Congratulations! Your blog is such a day brightener for me; I can’t wait for a whole book’s worth of your writing! Preordering now … furiously happy.

  179. I would like a copy of the book, but I can’t read. Illiteracy is a real problem in this country. 99% of the reading is done by people who can read. My demands are as follows:
    1. All books be converted to books on DVD, acted out by mimes
    2. All mimes be forced to recite passages of The Bloggess’ book out loud on camera, so that we can all see mimes with broken spirits.

    Viva la Occupy Bloggess!

  180. So I just read this whole post, after singing rehearsl/gallons of gin..
    after pages of cahta it turns out to be shilling for your new book?!
    AWESOME!!! I’m still trying not to pee in my pants from reading and now I find there’s a book coming?!
    OMG!!! I will happily pay full price at a local store and make the queens there read it so you get even more sales.
    Thank you for getting the publishing world to see how fucking fabulous you are!
    XO
    V (still not your hubby)

  181. Totally. Fucking. Awesome. It took Margaret Mitchell 9 years to write Gone with the Wind, and her book doesn’t have any zombies, taxidermy, or geishas. It takes time to get all those important details just right. Those 2 extra years were well spent.

    I’m bummed that Amazon won’t let me write a review before the book comes out.

  182. First, congrats on your book!

    Second, OMG! I was laughing sooo hard reading this post! This is good advertising for your book!

  183. At comment 321 I’m quite certain that you’ll never read this but DAMN girl! I’m so proud of you and so excited for your success! Yay, Jenny!!!

    Love you long time, xoxo

  184. Fun fact: I am sitting here breathing into my oxygen mask while trying to read parts of this post outloud to my husband, who is playing Batman on XBox. I think it’s an XBox? Anyway, you made me laugh through some pain and I appreciate it so much.

    CONGRATULATIONS on the book! How exciting is that?! If I were you I’d constantly be staring at the cover in awe and glee. You did it!!!

  185. That has to be the handsomest dead mouse I have ever seen, and having two full-time cats in residence and one that spends the summers here I have seen more than my share of dead mice. The cats seem to be running some sort of catch and release program to improve the genetics base for the mice they’ve already released in the house. They do catch them occasionally and cull, but it is on ongoing battle to stay ahead of them.

    Fantastic about your book. Can’t wait to get a copy!

  186. Once again, I have hurt myself laughing. As someone who DOES have severe, crippling ADD, did you see that bird? I’ve never seen a bird that color before.

    (ADD sucks. It makes things hard. You’re awesome. Squirrel.)

  187. YAY YOU!!! I am pre-ordering two copies right now, one for me and one for my sister. I sent her a Beyonce statue earlier this year that I honestly believe has saved her life (she has debilitating anxiety and depression and is going through an incredibly difficult time right now). So thank you for that, also.

  188. DUDE! YOU WROTE A BOOK!

    Congratulations, woman. I am so thrilled for you and will be buying it as soon as I can!

  189. It’s wrong that I used the clues you gave about your hotel to figure out who your publisher was, and then the cover quote from another author at the same publisher clinched it.(I do recommend PRETTY IN PLAID for anyone who hasn’t read it.)

    If you get to go back to that hotel, get a hammam treatment at the spa. It’s AWESOME. As your book will be, I’m certain.

  190. Um, yeah … Would luv to pre-order, but no Kindle option? Perhaps forthcoming? One of my ADD/clutter-deal antidotes is “don’t add to the stacks of physical books”. Just sayin’ … eBook availability might be a soothing option for a certain component of your audience. Waiting til launch, but if no Kindle version by then, will gladly add to my stacks … luv reading your blog!

  191. Thanks for reminding me NOT to read your blog late. I’ve awoken my toddler AND husband with my laughing. Neither were amused. Sad really.
    At least I know what I’m asking for my fashionably-late-Christmas-present!

  192. Just pre-ordered it! You are a national treasure, Jenny Lawson. Congratulations on all your much-deserved success. 🙂

  193. Super excited, and I’m going to pre-order my copy. If there had been a chance to pre-pre-order last month, I’d have done that. But the point is, I can hardly wait to read it!

  194. a book i look forward to having in my bathroom drawer to read when hiding from kids and the only safe place to read it because i seem to be laughing so hard from your blog i have to pee 1/2way thought them more shortly after if i’m not crying from laughter first! 🙂

  195. You kept me smiling through a summer when, really, I was having a hard time turning off the car before I shut the garage door. Really. Looking forward to having your book on my shelf. And, thanks.

  196. I so added that to my wish list. Then I thought hey, she has editorial reviews, I’m an author of sorts. I have an entire short story up! Then I saw that the reviews were from like famous people and I was impressed, yet saddened that mine would not fit in, or be asked to comment. Then I got jealous. Then I said screw it and kept it on my wish list because I know it’ll be one of the most hilarious things ever. 🙂

  197. Congrats on your book! You must be thrilled!

    The NY hotel sounded pretty damn awesome–definitely nicer than any shit-hole I’ve stayed in! In those places, it’s always obvious where the toilet is. They don’t try to hide it. Dumps!

  198. Look at this. You got flown to New York, put up in the kind of hotel that hides the toilet AND you got to bring a dead mouse to a meeting with suits.

    Do you not realize how fucking amazing your life is?

  199. TFA (total fucking awesome). And Wow. And a hotel room with on/off buttons. Did you try them all? I’m guessing the ‘Master’ on/off button is somehow tied in to the flog, but I’m curious how you turn a room off. Personally, I’d save the big unlabeled one for late at night, but keep my shoes on just in case.

    Maybe they put your name and the hotel on your phone for when you ran out of crack, and couldn’t remember where you wanted it delivered. Or who you were, though you probably wouldn’t want to tell the crack dealer that.

  200. Does this mean that by next Christmas you’ll be so frigging huge that there will actually be merchandising associated with your book and we’ll all get to have our very own Hamlets? Sort of like a Disney princess figurine but, you know… formerly alive and stuffed. If so, I am *so* there.

  201. Haven’t been with you the whole way, but I sure have enjoyed the journey so far. Look forward to getting my hands on a copy of the book when it is released. 🙂

  202. I applaud you while staring in awe… and I need to know if the book will come out in Europe as well, because if not, I need to book a trip to the States. (I know, I know… ‘the internet?’, but it’s much more adventurous to actually go buy a book overseas)

  203. Yay!!! Congratulations! I can’t wait to read it. I’ve never pre-ordered anything that far in advance.

    My husband and children think I have lost my mind as I’m sitting at my computer, cackling away reading your post. The problem is I can’t read it because I’m laughing so hard I have tears. Thank you for the excellent outlet! Can not wait for the book!

  204. Jenny,

    I’m honored to have known you for half the time that it took for you to write that book. Congratulations!

    Going off to place my order now.

    Monica

  205. I pre-ordered it from Amazon. Since my birthday is around that time, I’m going to consider it an early present to myself!

  206. I was going to write a comment, but then I saw how many other comments and I thought… well… who cares about my comment? But I’ve already put the effort into typing this so here.
    I was going to pre-order, but then I thought “what if I die before then?” becasue a year is a long time away. I’m screwed up like that.This comment has a lot of “I”‘s in it

  207. Congrats! Look forward to reading it! Your doing better than me, I’m only 1/2 way though my book – so take heart, you have achieved more than SOMEONE! 🙂

  208. I can’t wait to read it! Even sweeter having the cover blurb be by my other favorite blogger, Jen Lancaster. The only thing that would make the book perfect is if it is released on Kindle — but I will read it in whatever form available (paper, electronic, smoke signals…) because your writing makes me laugh harder than anyone else in the world. Congratulations, Jenny, I am so happy for you!

  209. From the Amazon page:

    “For fans of Tina Fey and David Sedaris-Internet star Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, makes her literary debut.”

    So they only FAKE read your blog because it’s supposed to be AMY Sedaris. Geez.

    (STILL so happy you FINISHED your book! Just think, you’ll be a grandmother when you finish the sequel…. 😉 )

  210. I love the pic of the buttons to operate the room. If you press the ROOM OFF button, does it stop being a room? Does it disappear? What happens if you’re in the room at the time?

  211. By the way, I will buy your book when it comes out – let us know when. I won’t pre-order it because I’ve pre-ordered so much stuff in the past and then ordered it again when it actually comes out (but before the pre-ordered copy is delivered). I have two copies of lots of things – I should probably open a second-hand store. Well, not so much second-hand as second-copy.

  212. Oh, joy! I do regularly hurt myself laughing at your blog, so the book will probably put me in the hospital. Congratulations!!

    I would love to ride an elevator with you sometime.

  213. Mucho Congrats, Jenny!

    Hey Everyone else… if we ALL pre-order Jenny’s book, it’ll be a Best Seller before it even comes out… How cool would that be?

  214. I just started reading your blog, and I’m QUITE excited about your book! Congratulations!

    Do you have any stuffed Hamlets in your store???

  215. I can’t find the right words so suffice it to say that you are just incredibly awesome. Cannot wait for the book!

  216. You’re like the Steve Carrell character from Dinner for Schmucks!
    I’m left decidedly happy I do not write about my vagina. I can’t wait for the book, if you want to send me one early, I will have my wife read it (on average, it takes her about a night to read a novel) and then I can have her guest blog a review on my blog. I’m trying to encourage her to be a book reviewer because she would be fabulous at it!

    Scott

  217. I’ve pre-ordered to have this shipped over to the UK.
    Well I say I’ve pre-ordered, I mean I’ve threatened to sulk if my boyfriend doesn’t get order this for me for Christmas.
    Well I say I’ve threatened to sulk, I mean I’ve threatened to physically hurt him if he doesn’t get me this…

  218. Here I was with a cleverly thought out comment about Dinner for Schmucks, only to find I’ve been beaten to that joke like a $2 hooker on the streets of Brooklyn. Oh well. Just pretend I said something cute an witty and we’ll just move along, ok?

  219. Oh snap, if you click on your name on Amazon, apparently you write IT books, too!!! This should immediately boost your street creds among the geek squad!