This candle-stick needs an intervention.

Conversation I had with a shopkeeper at a resale shop today:

me: Can you go any lower on the candle-holder in the back room?

her:  No, it’s in really good shape.

me:  Yes, but looks like it has erectile dysfunction.

her:  Oh.  Well, it gets hot in here in the summer.  But the candelabra is still very nice.

me:  It looks like it’s very disappointed to see me, and possibly needs to be medicated.

her:  Um…?

me:  I think your candlestick holder is clinical depressed.

her:  What?

me:  I think I need to have an intervention.  With your candle-holder.

her: …

me: I have anti-psychotics in the car.

her:  Oh.

Victor:  She’s not threatening you, ma’am.  She thinks she’s trying to help.  Just tell her it’s not for sale.

her:  Oh.  It’s not for sale?


Victor:  Yes, and we have three very flammable cats.  Do you see the issue here?

me:  Yes.  The issue is that you’re jumping to the conclusion that the candle-holder is going to have a murder/suicide just because it’s depressed.  This aggression will not stand.

her:  Technically it’s called a candelabra.

me:  Look lady, I’m pretty sure you don’t want to get into semantics.  Your candle-thingies are depressed and need my help.

Victor:  She’s partially right, ma’am.  Just back away slowly before you get any more involved.


her: On the contrary, I find it highly entertaining.

Then she gave me the candelabra for free and it immediately perked up and started working in a half-way house for other candelabras with erectile depression AND SAVED SOME LIVES.  Or at least, that’s what happened in my mind.  In real life Victor made me leave and no lives were saved.  And that’s why I need to remember to bring my own credit card to the shops from now on.


It’s Sunday so that means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up.  Yeehaw.

Painting courtesy of @fattieart (J Rose)

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on my satirical sex column:  (Moderately safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe.)

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome

This week’s wrap-up brought to you by my amazingly talented friend Adrian, who creates magical necklaces at Shalottlilly.  She made me one last year and it was so awesome that I ended up using it as a fascinator and Adrian never once said “That’s not how necklaces work.”  Because she is awesome and she understands that the very best kind of jewelry brings magic no matter where it’s worn.

138 thoughts on “This candle-stick needs an intervention.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Those are the saddest candles I’ve ever seen. They know they’re not getting any tonight.

  2. You always make me laugh out loud (which is harder to do than it should be, I suppose) Thank you for that, and for all your craziness! The idea of a candelabra with ED is going to keep me smiling for days

  3. This could represent my exes. You are wonderfully neurotic, but I can imagine you being marginally scary if you found something you wanted to buy from me.

  4. You know, four little blue Viagra pills and that candlebra will give you at least 30 minutes of straight-up flaming pleasure… if they burn more than four hours, blow them out or call your candle doctor….

  5. I’ve never seen candles like that and I kind of can’t believe she’s displaying it that way. It looks totally obscene, and like something you’d see in a Viagra commercial. Good for you for trying to help the poor thing!

  6. Now ya see, when I mention things like erectile dysfunction or third degree vaginal tears during childbirth, my hubs and just walks away, shaking his head. I think it may be because he’s a fed and trained not to react.

  7. Well, the candles could get Viagra, but there are people in the world who’d deny the candelabra birth control. (Who the hell do they think candles are having sex with?)

  8. Actually if they were dildos and not candles, made of silicone and not wax, that shape might make a really nice curved g-spot tool.

    Shit. I’ve been working too hard tonight on crappy sex toys. Sorry.

  9. I’m starting to think that all the “candles” in Texas are affected by the heat now and then. At least, that’s true in my experience.

    P.S. I had my #travelingreddress photo shoot yestereday. Life-changing experience. Thank you!

  10. I’m sort of disturbed by the squirrel photos. It’s a boy squirrel she’s dressed like a girl. Of course, he doesn’t seem to complain (except for occasional biting), so maybe he’s a squirrel with a gender identity disorder?

  11. giggling my fucking ass off!#* i needed that; you saved my sanity – thank you. 🙂

  12. I can’t believe Victor didn’t buy that candelabra for you! WTF Victor? That candelabra needed an intervention and Jenny could’ve saved it! haha! I love your posts!

  13. Wait a minute, so did this conversation happen today and you just decided to post early to make your story accurate? Or does this conversation actually happen tomorrow and you’ve secretly stumbled upon time travel to effectively pre-write blog posts? I’ve got to admit that if it’s the time travel thing, maybe that technology could be used for other things, like ensuring that you can get Nathan Fillion to pose with twine.

  14. Your candlabra needs some viagra-abra

    Did you really say ” this aggression will not stand??”

    I have always wanted to use that line in the world.

  15. Cats are not the only flammable living things. So are people. I have a story that directly leads to that conclusion and also to the reason why I NEVER have candles on the nightstand.

    Also, sheets are flammable.

  16. Maybe they were just bowing!
    Perhaps after a rousing musical number!


  17. just read ‘one settled comfortably in the cuckoo’s nest’… holy shitzola! i am in awe and mindblown.

  18. Jenny, thank you so much for posting this early. I seriously needed a good laugh and your blog always does the trick.

  19. Ohmygod!!!!! It’s bad enough there’s one limp candle but 4 of them?! What is this a candle retirement home?!

  20. It seems to me that since all the candles have drooped the same way that they are not actually depressed. But rather they are all looking for something. Most likely trying to see up the skirt of that naughty plate on the table. So they can stand back up. It’s a vicious cycle.

  21. I want Hailey’s bedspread. It looks perfect for a good game of Twister. And comfy for when you fall over.

  22. I read this after a gaming session was done when everybody else was still talking. I snickered until my fiance looked at my disapprovingly. Then I showed it to my friend sitting next to me, and we snickered together.

    Best. Ever.

  23. Niw you’ve forever ruined the illusion I had that you wrote the Wrap Up on the day you posted it. I feel like those candles…

  24. I’m with Sara…I find it fascinating that the woman gave the squirrel the name Tommy and then dressed it up in little skirts. Tommy Tucker, 1940’s most indulged cross dressing rodent?

  25. Settling into the cookoo’s nest hit close to home. From thee “we watch Fight Club and Children of Men” right through to the end. I just kept checking things off the list of stuff I’ve done before and will probably do again.

  26. If I owned a shop with wonky candles in it, I’d hope for someone like you to break my monotonous day. Clarify please though, did you save the candles or are they still there in the shop drooping? Reminds me of a guy I once dated. Smaller candle though …

  27. “Shhhhh. . .” (stroking candelabra reassuringly) “It’s OK, Baby. This happens to every lighting fixture once in a while. I don’t mind. . .we can just cuddle.”

  28. I’m worried about those candles now. 🙁 They’ve been left so alone because of a tragic problem they can’t even control. Will they ever get the help they need? Will they find love?

  29. My family owned an Antique store for YEARS and YEARS and we NEVER EVER EVER had a customer as funny as you. No, we got the grumpy jerks, why couldn’t you have come into the shop instead???

  30. I should really know better than to read your blog while in a crowded airport. LAX to be exact, where people already judge. I am laughing to myself to the point of tears. You would think by the third time, I would have learned my lesson. 🙂

  31. I want to go shopping with you, Jenny!

    My days and nights consist of solitary confinement and cutting myself with a ceramic vegetable peeler.

    I’m fucked. What can I say.


    I think I spelled that wrong, but oh well.


  32. How DOES one go about curing a candelabra of erectile dysfunction?! Also…It’s like it has 4 flaccid candles – when most males out there will only have to deal with 1 at a time – which I’m sure would make ME pretty damn depressed.
    “Come on baby light my fire…”

  33. I had the same candelabra experience a couple of summers ago. Depressing sight.
    On the other hand, your writing makes my day so much better.
    Also – lives were certainly saved. Not all cats have the sense to stop sniffing the flames even when their whiskers are curling and turning black. Mine certainly kept trying to cuddle the candles, and they are indeed flammable.
    One of them developed a habit of eating the wicks off the snuffed-out candles. Carbon deficiency or something, I guess. We gave up on the “cozy candlelit home” thing and went for “cozy home with living cats” instead.

  34. If Bob Dole were a candelabra, he would be THIS candelabra.

    That is, if he had five melted candles.

    And that would be five pretty damn good reasons to be clinically depressed.

    And we have not at this point even factored in his wife Liddy.

    Who probably caused Bob’s E.D., when you get right down to it.

    I probably should not have said “get down to it” in this context.

    Sorry Bob.

    Stay on the candle-booster meds, buddy.

  35. Those are the saddest looking candles ever. I like your happy ending better than reality. I’m actually kinda surprised that more people don’t just give you stuff to get you out of their store/stop you from arguing with them.

  36. The candles might be intimidated by the chair rung or towel rod, or whatever that is in the background that looks so happy to see me.

  37. That would be the perfect visual motivator for recovering sex addicts.

    You know how some women will carry around a photo of them at their ideal weight to stay motivated? Guys like David Duchovny, Tiger Woods and Jesse James could just walk around with a candelabra in their hand…

  38. I don’t know what that candelabra has to be so depressed about.

    If I had four penises and was hung like that I’d be ECSTATIC.

  39. Thank you for sharing that Cuckoo’s Nest link. Beautiful. I have gotten through the worst of my depression and rarely go back there. But yesterday I did, however I have a road map back so I think it’s okay to remember…

  40. It’s sad that the shopkeeper and Victor kept you from saving those poor limp candles. They obviously needed help. You could have even gotten some barbie dresses in red and dressed them up. It would have been AWESOME. And they would have been much happier.

    SHAME on Victor and that shopkeeper.

  41. No wins? I fully expected to see you in the hall of fame!?!

    Limp candelabras are indeed a very sad thing. But you tried to help…you can’t save ’em all.

  42. Sometimes bad things happen to good candles. Oh, that picture of the limp candles is etched in my memory now…

    Thanks for my laugh of the day!

  43. I went over to ill-advised. Umm, I hate to break it to you, but either that lemur is sneaking heroin to your daughter, or your daughter is contributing to the delinquency of a minor lemur. (how old is that lemur, anyway?) Oh, and one of the tea cups was giving me dirty looks. No wonder you’re on so many meds. My tea cups are way less judge-y, if you need a place to detox. Except the one decorated with fruits and nuts–I think it’s been sending me subtle messages through its’ design.

  44. Sad sad candles. They made me smile. I hope they don think I’m laughing AT them.

  45. I love your blog. But I am a little confused…Is Victor your significant other…or is his your alternate personality?

  46. Oh god, LMFAO thank you for making my cold snowy Sunday afternoon less dreary, but you should know I have put a note for the wife with the insurance policy! Being asthmatic laughing causes an attack. and so if she finds me slumped over the computer and your blog is open she has the name of a good lawyer xoxoxox

  47. So you encounter a candelabra that is clinically depressed and you lower its self esteem by trying to negotiate a lower sale price?

  48. Re my last, maybe you should start of your blogs


    That is all ……

  49. Why is the squirrel always dressed in girl clothes when its name is Tommy? Was it a transgender squirrel or was Mrs. Bullis just working out some issues on that poor thing? Even her kids look slightly terrified.

  50. That fucking squirrel is alive and wearing fucking dresses. How the fuck do you train a squirrel to act like he’s praying in front of sick kids? I’m genuinely perturbed by that crap.

  51. Could you imagine if you lit them? It would look like a massacre. They would have made a great conversation piece. Unlit of course. Well… even lit, but then there would be a mess. Hey they really are like a guy. I need more coffee…

  52. So. I looked up candelabra on since the shopkeeper insisted it wasn’t technically called a candle holder. Interestingly enough, candelabra is a plural for the word candelabrum, which is defined as a branched candle holder. Now any retailer (even those in Texas with underdeveloped understandings of customer service) should know that the #1 rule of customer service is that customer is always right. And in this case, since technically YOU were correct in defining the SINGLE-multi-armed candle holder candelabrum as a candle holder, I think this should make you automatically eligible for a 60% discount on said candle holder. Or not.

  53. First off, I LOVE the new pic! You’re right, that poor candelabra either needs Cialis or some Prozac. Not really sure which, but it needs some help. Always have a credit card with you that has your name on it. If my husband says no (usually to another five books I *don’t* need) I, more often than not, listen to him. However, I get around that one by not bringing him shopping with me. I buy what I want and everyone is happy, mostly. 😀

  54. Am sitting in a coffee shop and just bust out laughing at the first site of this post and then reading only made me laugh more – thank you. I have decided that I just need to come hang out with you for a week because you never fail to encounter the most hilarious things – I think it is a gift. Thank you for sharing these laughs with us!
    Much love,

  55. I’m laughing, because I have a pair of candles that were on our dining table 11 years ago, when hubby and I went on our honeymoon…. It was in the 100s that week, and the a/c went out while we we gone… They look just like this. And we still have them.

  56. Yes, and that is why I never take Beerhound shopping with me. If he can’t nag me enough into not purchasing something I really want, he’ll tell the cashier it was thrown in there by mistake and ask him to remove it. In which case, I either start having a tantrum and looking stupid, which is not wholly unobjectionable to me or I let him get away with his devious little plan. Don’t worry though. I’m a strong, independent woman. I don’t take that shit laying down, or is it lying down? I hate those two words, it’s like the question, “which came first the chicken or the egg?”
    In any case, I usually give him the silent treatment and then take his feather pillow and put it in the shower. And then I order what I want online.

  57. HAHAHA!! Way to go! You fight for what you want! 😉 You made good points about the Candelabra and I’m glad that you can give it some help! 🙂

  58. Jenny, are you sure you didn’t write the McSweeney’s article? It’s like she saw into your soul.
    Was that squirrel taxidermied? I thought it was, but others here implied that it was alive. How did they know it was named Tommy? Apparently, I missed something. Anyway, it’s a perfect photo shoot for you.
    Also, I had 4 individual candle sticks on my mantle with two different kind of candles in them. It was winter, so the heat was on in the house, but it wasn’t THAT hot. Anyway, two candles looked just like the ones in the shop and the other two were fine. Must have been the substance or how they were made. I think the droopy ones were handmade. That’s just another possible theory as to what caused the dysfunction; it doesn’t have to be ED. The end.

  59. Why am I now envisioning Lumiere from Beauty & the Beast doing Viagra ads? “Le vee-ah-gree ees non por l’homme avec problems du mental or high blood pressure.”

  60. I am laughing so hard I’m crying! If I was sober the same thing would be happening.
    I wish I had saved this for after work tomorrw when I’ll need a laugh even more (possibly) than a drink.
    Thanks Jenny, for the joy! Dying for the book!
    Victor (my real name)

  61. Thank you so very much for the instant messaging cat link. I was having a really crappy day, even after a xanax, and this just made me lose it, in a good way. Hubby looked at me and asked if I was going to be ok, I was howling with laughter and crying I was laughing so hard. I really really needed that.

  62. Hey! I hope you don’t mind me posting this link here, as this is sorta spammy. I really want to win this scholarship for $5,000, but to do that I need LOTS of people to vote on my essay. Despite having four parents to pay for college, it’s a struggle for us all. I’m lucky enough to barely avoid taking student loans, but when my brother starts college next year I’m afraid the financial strain will be too much for my family. Also, I really want to be able to travel abroad, as it’s always been my dream to see more than just the little world I’ve lived in my short life. To do this I have to raise the money myself.
    I know the community here is amazing and beautiful, and I have already been helped so much by this blog. I would love it if everyone could just take the time to vote once to help me out.

    Go here to vote:

  63. Maybe I’m just anthropomorphizing, but that squirrel looks so depressed. He doesn’t even seem to know that he’s a squirrel. It makes me sad…

    Of course, like Dendrophilia… I am sad. A lot.

  64. My hubs walked up behind me and LOL’d at the candles. He made the same comment as Jenny.

    I think if you did get it, the candles would be worth keeping, at least for Halloween decor.

  65. ” I plan on continuing my record of most nominations with no wins.”

    Well, I beat you on that one, too, with most not being nominated and no wins. 😉

    And on top of everything else, those candles were circumcised.

  66. This candelabra needs to hang out with that candlestick from Beauty and the Beast. Cheer him up, you know?

    Wait, was it a candlestick or a candelabra in Beauty and the Beast? If it has more than one wick, does that automatically make it a candelabra? How the hell am I supposed to know this shit? WHY ARE YOU SO DIFFICULT WORLD???

    The end.

  67. I have the exact same candelabra from a vintage store, but I like yours much better, even with its dysfunction. I am now trying to figure out how to make mine look like that. It would definitely become more of a conversation piece!

  68. Jenny I decided that I want to be like you when I grow up, except I can’t find a red dress so instead I bought a plastic mustache and I hold it up to my face whenever I am unhappy. Scientific fact: you cannot be sad when holding up a mustache to your face. It is impossible.

    My mother is NOT pleased.

  69. Jenny, I am … concerned. I don’t really think a kegstanding lemur is really the best influence on Hailey. I’m sure he’s a very nice lemur. But he’s not making very good choices for himself.

    And I hope you didn’t comment on the candelabra’s … possible health matters in front of him. This can be a very sensitive subject for candelabras. It’s important to discuss the subject in a calm, non-judgmental manner. I must say, it doesn’t sound like the candelabra is getting the *support* he needs at home. It gets hot in here??? Lady, how the hell how is it getting in there?! Is this shop located in the bowels of Hell?! Methinks she’s in denial.

  70. Well as if the candles didn’t already have enough to worry about, being limpy and all. Now you’ve really gone and done it! Imagine how they feel about your blathering about ED all over the internet and even posting photos to boot. *tsk tsk*

  71. I can give the candle-holder-thingy a good home. It’s a motorhome and I’m on the road all the time. It will get to see many new places. Coincidentally, I’ll be working and traveling in Texas for the next few months (coast and Hill Country). If you tell me where the candle-holder-thingy is up for sale I’ll come rescue it.

  72. Your photo of the ED candelabra took me back 50+ years (yikes!), to a story my mother told me. When my parents first married, they rented two attic rooms from my grandparents, partly to save money, but I think mostly to provide them some income, as my grandfather was too good for most jobs, so didn’t bring in much. They finally gave up and found another place when they came home from work on a warm day and found their candles suffering the same condition as the ones you show…

  73. For some reason, those melted candles are like the grossest thing I’ve ever seen-maybe because they’re red?
    I accidentally yelled at a blind lady at Michaels today. At least Victor will still go inside with you. My hubs drives me and waits in the car at most places.

  74. And the soundtrack for said, sad events…WAH, WAH, WAHHHHH 🙁

    And I’m with AmyBlam above…My hubs drives and waits in the car…until that one time, at Walmart, where I almost got into a brawl with a lady a Walmart for totally pushing me in line and cutting in front of me. Well, this is New Jersey and we are down at the Jersey Shore. Luckily it wasn’t Snooki.

  75. I’m just waiting to see those candles in the tub in the middle of the woods with no plumbing in sight. But then again, the water would put them out right so, so much for getting lit and having a good time.

  76. Omg! Someone just mentioned they saw me mentioned here!!! I had my baby on Groundhog Day……and forgot about everything else!!! Thank you Jenny!

  77. You are Hysterical! I love your stories! I feel like my life is similar in the fact that only the most ridiculous things happen to me!

  78. I just watched your youtube video of Hailey at the snake farm. Your daughter does have the best laugh ever, also? Victor is pretty hot.

  79. Oh those poor, poor candles…

    Kind of remind me of a guy I used to know…
    But wait, I married him…
    Now I remember why we got divorced!

    Thanks… I needed that… and the laugh…
    although I could have done without the peeing myself a little bit from laughing…
    Note to self… put on the Depends BEFORE reading ANY Bloggess posts!

  80. I was laughing at this and my son wanted to know what I was laughing at and I said The Bloggess and he said what did she say and I said it’s hard to explain and he said tell me and I told him “She was writing about a candelabra with erectile dysfunction” and he said “That’s demented.”

  81. I’m certain that I’m too late, and several of the 131 wisecrackers ahead of me have beat this quite obvious joke to death, but I can hook you up with a 20 mg Cialis that you can break into 4 and get more bang for your buck. I’m not judging, because hey, we’ve all been there buddy. How do you think I know all of the ways to save money on erectile dysfunction medicines?

  82. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am signing a pile of legal documents today and I’ve gone from writing “Attorney-in-Fact” to “Attorney-in-Fart” on each of them. Thank you for giving this Attorney-in-Fart something else to read.

  83. Maybe it isn’t just suffered from severe depression. Maybe it’s also impotent. In which case it needs Viagra as well. Poor dear.

  84. You have a very sharp mind! I never thought of erectile dysfunction seeing those candles! Haha! Well, you have to heat that candles to go back from it’s original form.. straight!

  85. Thank you so much for sharing the One settled comfortably in the cuckoo’s nest post. It made me cry my face off…in a good way. I’ve suffered from severe depression my whole life. It was beautiful seeing my own feelings written out so simply in front of me. Sometimes it’s so encouraging to know you’re not alone. I will remember it forever. Again, thank you for sharing that link!

  86. I just seen you on Canada AM. I have a 28 year old daughter who also suffers fro A/D and is in COMPLETE denial .. Loved your comment about humor at the unset of a bout of anxiety , So true , It is very common and so few people want to think that something controls them so actually they become overly controlling around them , at least that is what seems to be happening here, Thanks again and good luck ,

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