Robot tigers or Robobcats? I’m leaning toward the latter simply because they’d be easier to put in your carry-on luggage.

Victor:  One day I’m going to finish my robot tigers and we will rule the world.

me: It’d be easier if you just took over the world with real tigers.

Victor:  Robot tigers are scarier than real tigers.

me:  No.  Real tigers are scarier because they’re unpredictable.

Victor: My robot tigers have a random setting.

me: Like a shuffle function on an iPod?

Victor: Exactly.

me:  That is way scarier.

Victor: Plus they could beat you at chess.

me: Well, not me specifically.  I’m pretty damn good at chess.

Victor:  Not as good as a robot tiger.

me:  Live tigers are still scarier because they’re real and you know they hate you. With a robot tiger you understand they’re just doing their job when they kill you.

Victor: My robot tiger would be a cold, calculating killing machine – set on random – that also has an emotion chip and laughs at your pain.

me: That actually sounds scary as shit.

Victor:  I KNOW. I just gave myself a panic attack just thinking about it and I don’t even get panic attacks.

me:  Imagine the synthesized growl you could put on that thing.  And the synthesized laughter.

Victor:  “HA. HA. HA.”  That’s a robot tiger laughing at your chess skills.  And also, you really aren’t good at chess.

me:  I am.  I’m so not good at it that I move wildly and unpredictably.  It makes me dangerously erratic.

Victor: My robot tiger has a random chess move ability generator.

me:  Well now we’re all fucked.

Victor: The future is going to be scary.  Maybe I should make robot pumas.

me: No.

Victor: Robot cougars?

me:  Mmm…no.

Victor: Robot Bobcats.

me: Robobcats?

Victor:  Don’t be ridiculous.  Robo-bobcats sounds much scarier.

me: I think just you’re starting to come up with excuses as to why you won’t build robot tigers.

Victor:  You might be right.  I won engineering awards from NASA when I was a teenager, for God’s sake.  You’d think I would have invented robot bobcats by now.

me:  I’m sure NASA is very disappointed in you.  You probably haven’t invented robotic minions yet because you don’t apply yourself.  And that’s why the robobcats will never see the light of day.

Victor: A million unborn robo-bobcats suddenly cried out in in pain.

me:  Like Alderaan.  You can almost hear them screaming: “YOU’RE SO LAZY.

Victor:  Fuck this.  I’m building my robot tigers.  THE ROBOT TIGERS ARE COMING.  And their slogan will be “THEY’RE GRRRREAT!”

me:  We’re gonna get sued.

Victor: Yeah, but we’ll bring the robo-bobcats to the trial and they’ll growl angrily.

me:  And Tony the Tiger would be like “I FEEL VERY INTIMIDATED” and our lawyers would be like “THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE, TONY.  THIS CONCERNS THEM TOO.”

Victor:  And they’d growl, but with big smiles.  Which would be even scarier.

me:  And also less likely to get thrown out of court because who gets removed from court for smiling at the plaintiff?  “This is their natural resting state, Tony the Tiger.  THEY’RE BEING ENCOURAGING.  IT’S THEIR HELPFUL GROWL.  YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE THEY’RE SMILING.”

Victor:  Holy shit.

me:  Yeah.

Victor:  There is no way we’re losing this case.

399 thoughts on “Robot tigers or Robobcats? I’m leaning toward the latter simply because they’d be easier to put in your carry-on luggage.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. ROBOBCATS!!!! Robo-bobcats just sounds like you’re stuttering over it. The marketing of Robo-bobcats would be ridiculously hard, but ROBOBCATS! would fly off the shelves…literally.

  2. Please ask Victor to make some tiny robot tigers too. I love all things in miniature and would buy a lot of them to run around the house!

  3. They sound awesome.

    Can we preorder them to build up Victor’s Robo Tiger Building fund? I’m sure there would be some venture capital around too 🙂

  4. I can’t think of a jury that would side against you.

    Also, may I suggest you think about giving the robot tiger a few phrases to growl? ‘Cause I can’t think of anything scarier than a robot tiger laughing at my pain, while growling “If she dies, she dies.” a la Ivan Drago. Come to think of it, I’m going to get a head start on my whole “hiding from robot tigers” plan.

  5. Please tell me as soon as the Robo-Tigers are for sale because I totally NEED one! Maybe two or three. Or a pack. They could totally fight the zombies for me. Of course, it would be awesome if Victor could program zombie-killing into them too. And also, will you offer discounts if I buy in bulk?

  6. When is your anniversary? A marriage of two folks so freaking obviously meant for one another MUST be celebrated by the tons of people who get to laugh at your marital insanity.

    (It’ll be 16 years this 4th of July. And yes, I recognize the irony of getting married on Independence day. ~ Jenny)

  7. i love that the first line is “i’m going to FINISH my robot tigers.” it’s like they’re almost here and the subsequent court case (and aquital) is an inevitability, not a long-shot…

  8. I was going to say Robocats because ROBOCATS ROCK!!!

    But now I am thinking Robo COUGARSbecause I would like to see older, sexy, under-dressed plastic surgery seeking Robo cougars hunting for younger male Robo studs…

  9. From another engineer not reaching her potential either, Victor needs to get off his butt and make this happen. If he wants an assistant, let me know.

  10. Holy Crap! Victor has succumbed and has come to the dark side! I think this means that Hailey is the sane one.

  11. My robot Ligers and Tigons laugh at your puny robot tigers. But it is that weirdly conspiratory laughter or… oh God, they’re loose! Someone turn off — the electricity! Turn off — aggghhhhhhhhhrrrr!

  12. Holy crap. Scary. Now I know why I’ve been married for 31 years. Even more scared now.

  13. Now I get why you married Victor. So you could end up on the winning side of the World Robo-bob-tig-cougar Wars. Well played, Bloggess. Well played.

  14. Everything about your relationship encapsulated here is what I want for my next one. There’s a beautiful sort of crazy I’m insanely jealous of :-).

    Also, I want to chime in for Robot Lynx or Robot Ocelot. Mostly because people would have trouble saying the latter.

  15. Obviously Victor is a wonderful husband willing to embrace his wife’s zany antics or this blog simply wouldn’t exist. But I often feel that he’s the (generally good natured) adversary of said antics. As a guy with a wife that totally gets him, it does my heart good to see posts like this where Victor is not just accepting, not just encouraging, but is, indeed, instigating zany antics.

    I salute you as a couple!

  16. Holy Crap Heather (comment 17) is totally right! They could be used to aid us in the zombie apocalypse! That is the ultimate item in the preparation kit! Victor must start now!!! If we all die, it is Victor’s fault.

  17. I seriously needed a good belly laugh this morning. I mean, I would never laugh AT the someday inventor of robotic chess-playing maneaters who can also win court cases. That would be stupid. But I would certainly laugh WITH said inventor as he details his evil scheme. That’s ok, right? (Please don’t send the robo tigers to Maryland. KThnxBye!)

  18. Has Victor crossed the sanity line?? Kinda sounds like it. And we welcome him.

    If I help fund said Robot tigers, can I have one scare the dumbass kids in my neighborhood? Because there are few little assholes who really deserve it.

  19. I think I’d better get a hurry on my army of giant killer robots armed with flame-throwers. I don’t want someone else to take over the world with robobcats before I can set myself up as Benign Dictator of All Creation.

  20. I’d like to place the first order for a robo-cat. My current stock of cat is totally unworthy and lacking in awesome skills like winning lawsuits. Shredding suits, they can do. Shedding on suits, also. I’d at least three to run my current stock out of the house. But then how would I get rid of my three robocats? Do you have any plans for robodogs?

  21. Aside from the cookies I just baked…this totally made my day.

    Also, I almost peed because I was laughing so hard. Brilliantly Terrific.

  22. I had this same conversation last week. Except without the robots. Or the tigers. Or the Robo-bobcats. Or the chess. Tony the Tiger was involved, however. In retrospect, it wasn’t nearly as entertaining as yours.

  23. So now the truth of Victor’s initial hatred for Beyonce comes out…she was mocking his robot tigers by her mere existance, while his robot tigers lie dormant in his head! LET THEM BE FREE VICTOR!!!!

    I love that Victor’s closet-crazy has finally seen the light of day!! I love the the lawsuit has already been won before it’s even been filed!

    I’m in love with the idea of an emotional shuffle mode for a giant robot tiger that plays chess and growls while smiling! I would also like a keychain sized one, maybe with laserbeams for eyes?

  24. Wait, I’ve got it: ROBOT DRAGONS. Tell Victor to start on that, and you guys will rule the world in no time.

  25. Sooooo the truth finally comes out. All this time, I believed Victor to be the long suffering spouse. I now see why you are married. He is clearly just as crazy as you are. I mean that as a compliment. 🙂

  26. This is by far the best conversation I have ever read!! That is now a new quality a potential BF must have: the ability to maintain a completely asinine conversation in a serious way. Love it!

  27. And the funny thing is, I am reading this as I chow down on Frosted Flakes. They’re GRRRREAT!

  28. Are you sure this was a conversation with Victor??? As I was reading it I thought maybe you had the Victor and Me parts mixed up. Then later in the conversation it appears that both of you are stoned or drunk or something. Wow, how has your child survived this long….

  29. Well they already have robo-rattlesnakes. They are at toys stores this second, scaring the shit out of snake-haters everywhere. (I am totally going to buy one to keep my Mother-in-law out of my house FOREVER). You are making me think the world is going to turn into some type of WestWorld (that movie still scares the absolute crap out of me)…ZooWorld? RoboCatWorld? I’m locking my doors and chowing down on some Frosted Flakes. Damn it all.

  30. Very funny, as always.

    I find myself wondering if you record every moment of your life in order to catch every nuance of these long and detailed conversations verbatim? Are they transcribed PRECISELY how they unfolded, and are there are gems we miss out on because they happened sometime when you weren’t able to write them down soon enough?

  31. You guys got it all wrong. Start with BIRDS. Victor could make Robobins. No one would see it coming. World Domination? Piece. Of. Cake.

  32. Victor? Victor?? Can you hold onto this rope? That’s it. Easy does it. Now, follow me…

    Actually, I really enjoyed the fact that Victor can get just as caught up in brilliant absurdity as you do 🙂

  33. It’s conversations like these that make me realize my life isn’t as exciting as I hoped it would be.

    You should put some wings on those robotigers. I don’t know what I’d call them, but having a robotiger with wings dive bombing you from the sky would probably make most people shit themselves.

    The end.

  34. You know, my husband and I were discussing this exact topic the other day; I’m really glad you’re on top of things, because apparently he’s even lazier than Victor.

  35. Completely down w/the robocelot! Dancing with Sir Mix a Lot! But Sir Mix a Lot is only dancing b/c he’s scared of the random emotion setting. And smiling so he won’t be attacked. Holy shit, maybe Sir Mix a Lot is a robot and always has been and that hat hides his srew-top. I like big cats and I cannot lie!

    Also, some robot cat needs to kick Tony the Tiger’s two-foot walking ass!

  36. There’s been come concern raised about how the Robot Tigers will be playing chess with out opposable thumbs. Just something to think about while still in the R&D phase.

    Totally sold on the Robocelot … can we call a group of Robo cats a Murder (like crows) instead of a pride?

  37. Both of you should check out the Leviathan series by Scott Westerfield. Esp. as read by Alan Cumming on audio. Bio-engineering vs. steam-punk robot monsters in WWI…for children! I feel confident it would help Victor with his apocalyptic robot design process.

  38. After “Robot Puma” all I could think of was “Robo Chupa-thingie”

    Robobcat sounds a bit like the hillbilly sector of robotic animals that coldly threaten you at random in the night.

    Also consider: a live tiger will eat your liver. Robot tigers can’t really consume your parts.

  39. Start with RoboBeyonce. She can struck, cluck, and peck around your yard, look in Victor’s office window when he’s least expecting it, and scare the shit out of the mailman. Plus as a prototype, Victor can work out the bugs for Robobcats. Then the Robobcats can chase RoboBeyonce (because cats hunt birds), but since RoboBeyonce is fiesty enough to win the battle, Robobcats weaknesses will be exposed so Victor can perfect the design before conquering the world (or playing chess). It’s a win-win.

  40. I have this picture I bought hubby last year… of a tiger with little skeletons peddling his legs from below… I think it’s looking at me and SMILING…

  41. It isn’t until moments like this that I understand why you and Victor are married and stay that way. Brava!

  42. I had no idea this was a mutually bat shit crazy relationship. No wonder you made it 15 years! You just gave me the best hope I’ve had for my marriage since the day it happened. Now, when Robo-tiger is available, I assure you my hubby, Kelly, would be near the front of the line for one.

  43. You know, if you had robot tigers AND robobcats, you could put a bird on anything you wanted. And no one would dare stop you! Muahahahaha!

  44. I read at least half of this post before I looked at the names. I assumed I knew who was saying what. I was wrong! You and victor have made my morning!

  45. If only NASA hadn’t defunded the robot tiger program, it would make things a lot easier on Victor. As it is, he’ll have to find a rich, mysterious benefactor who lives in a rocket that continously orbits the Earth and only touches down once every two years for supplies (Ring Pops, Pepsi, and jet fuel).

  46. I would like to put in my order for 3 robot tigers.

    Will robot lynx’ be available? They’d be smaller but better in cold weather.

    Tigers are actually one of my favourite animals. You should totally watch the BBC special “Tiger – Spy in the Jungle”! ( It’s really awesome if you like tigers.

    Also, my hubby and I took some pretty cool pix of the baby lynx and baby tigers at our zoo last month. ( The big cats are way more fun in cooler weather!

    I’d also take a robot squirrel. It could collect nuts! (Get it? Not pine nuts, but metal nuts & bolts. Eh?)

  47. The reason Victor hasn’t finished making his Robot Tigers is that he already knows that I’ve created millions of tiny robot, robot tiger eating bacteria and they don’t play chess they play twister, which is way more difficult for a robot to play than a robot playing chess.

  48. So after Victor builds robot tigers and wins his court case, do you think he could clone himself? I need a little more crazy in my life. It’s exhausting being the only one.

  49. Up until this very moment, I thought Victor was the saner of you two….Now I think you are a matched pair.

  50. Well I thought that said “robot prunes” instead of “robot pumas” and was all, oh fuck me we’re dead. But robopumas? I can deal with.

  51. I think Victor should also include a “butler” feature on the Robo tigers too! Cause it would be frickin cool to have your morning latte delivered by some huge tiger while it sat and purred at your feet.

  52. Wow, if my Beloved Spouse and I had more conversations like this, we might finally succeed in never having any of the neighbors interact with us ever. That would be cool.

  53. I’d like to take a moment to lovingly remind you that two crazies do not make a normal. Victor may have come unglued, which is probably why he’s been so damn slack in teh robo-feline building department…humph.

  54. Jenny, I’m getting worried. Victor used to be the voice of reason, but now he’s starting to crack. First there was the joke about god leaving the window open where Victor was the instigator. Now he’s building robot tigers and you are being the voice of reason.

    Thank you for sharing this post. My coworkers are now wondering why I am laughing so hard.

  55. I like the term robobcat better, because it kind of makes you do a double take. Like, “did she just say bobcat? Or something incredibly more sinister…? Oh dear God……….”

  56. And THIS.. is why I read this column.. where the hell else am I gonna get Tony The Tiger and Robobcats in the same blog.. !!!

    Thank you.. seriously!

  57. So I was laughing at your post and I had my husband read it; he read it, and handed the my phone back to me and said ” I think she makes these up” “she does not! you cannot make this sh*t up. Plus we have had talks like this!” “ok, whatever, I just think she makes up the stuff”
    SO please tell my husband you don’t make it up!

    (They are totally not made up. I write it all down on envelopes as the conversation is going on. Victor is used to it by now. Other people think it’s weird that I’m taking dictation. ~ Jenny)

  58. Now I feel better about my “To Do” list…because if Victor can’t schedule the time to build his robot tigers, then what hope do I have to finish my project? And he’s NASA-approved!

    Thank you so much for the tears of joy and laughter this morning. They were much needed.

  59. You can ride robot tigers any where you need to go. They’re damn fast. This makes argument for robobcats moot.

  60. and here i always thought victor was the rational and logical one in your marriage. you two are so perfect for each other 🙂

  61. Hahaha – I had no idea Victor was…like this…too!
    And can you please get going on those robot minions, cause my real ones are so very disappointing!

  62. I think victor should also make cyber-lions and mecha-bears and set them to rampage on some random metropolis … that way the local news can hire George Tekai to do the report… “today in seattle Cyber-Lions, Robo-Tigers and Mecha-Bears rampaged downtown by the space needle… Ooh My!”

  63. and this is why you 2 are still married, and really someone would just invent a robopoacher to use the robocats processors as necklaces for tourists, it’s a vicious cycle

  64. I’m with Bonnie on the robolynx. They are a purrfect mid-sized shredding machine. More compact than a tiger, bigger than a bobcat. They also look cuddly, so as to lure crazy cat ladies in for the kill.

  65. Robot Tigers? Will they also sport a Mr. French voice like Jungle Book?

    I’m less confident in Victor only because I can’t see the awards and I’m not married to him… But perhaps a companion animal… One that won’t eat you on some random setting? I’m thinking of all the kids who have allergies. Plus, parents could be all, if you don’t clean your room, I’m turning off fluffy. Vacations would be easy since you don’t actually feed them.

    Personally I want one of those Webo hovercrafty bots like from Flubber. Can I put in my order now?


  66. If you’re going to build robocats in TX, Ro Bobs are the way to go. I keep picturing them with a cowboy swagger. *giggles*

  67. I completely agree with the robot tiger idea. Sign me up for the beta testing.
    I’m totally willing to shake up my neighborhood with giant technologically advanced felines.

  68. Holy shit snacks! This was the funniest thing I have read!! Way to visit crazy town Victor!!

  69. Where does one find a Victor? I will never settle for anyone who isnt as awesome as he is with you. PERFECT COUPLE.

    Let me know when Robot Tigers are for sale because i want one.

    Also we need some robot Beyonces too. They should walk and say “knock, knock, motherfucker” and be 6feet tall. Then there could be a tiger vs. Giant robot Beyonce battle! Bwack-Hahaha!

  70. While he’s at it, he should find a way to roboticize the cobra and the mongoose… ’cause then they could fight for real and how sweet would THAT be. <3

  71. wow, so now i totally get how it is victor is so awesome with you.. he really does “get” you. ya’ll are awesome.

  72. We need to make this fit on a valentine. THIS is the true face of romance.
    (Or acute primary psychosis, I’m always getting them mixed up.)

  73. These are the exact kinds of conversations me and my boyfriend have. And me and my roommate.

  74. I long for conversations like this!!!….With my wife its…

    Me: One day I’m going to finish my robot tigers and we will rule the world.

    Wife: What’s that suppose to mean….Is that some line from one of your stupid movies?

    Me: Forget it.

  75. Lucky for you AND Victor, I work for NASA. So I can be the judge when (not if, but when) you build whatever ridiculous animal-bot you choose:)

  76. I apologize in advance, but my need to correct wrongs on the internet is getting the better of me: technically pumas and cougars are the same species, so there was at least one line of that argument that was moot. Ok done, sorry again :-p

  77. for my money, a robo liger would be boss, It’s pretty much my favorite animal. a lion and a tiger mixed, bred for its skills in magic.

  78. Ahhahaha! And, all over again we see why it is that you two are so perfectly matched. 🙂

  79. So, I am thinking that this conversation just completely destroyed Victor’s credibility when he tells you and others that you are crazy. Good thing that you managed to get the whole thing down, I think you have earned more towels.

  80. Wait, if the robot tigers randomly kill people, wouldn’t they risk killing you as well? And Victor? And Haley? Are you sure you want to encourage Victor to go on with thisß

  81. If Victor invents Robot Tigers, you totally have my vote for World Dictators, because there is no way I could invent something that would compete with the ferociousness of cold calculating killing machines set on random.

  82. Do you realize that had he built minions for you that you could have conquered the world by now or at the very least taught them to sign all those thank yous for you? Just saying…. he could build you a minion that would save you from carpal tunnel and more. The fact that they could scare or take out your nemisis is purely a bonus.

  83. You know what? I’m totally with you on this one. ROBOBCATS is way better. Such a nice ring to it.

    I have to say, when I read these conversations it makes me feel less alone and/or crazy. So often I just get weird looks and the ever-exhausting question “What is it like in your brain?”


  84. I want to spend a week with them in their house listening to their conversations. I promise not to bother anyone or ask for anything. I just want to observe…and LMAO!!!

  85. This is a very disturbing new side of Victor. Who guards the guardians?
    Please ask him if I can order my Robot Tiger declawed. I don’t mind death so much as disfigurement. And I just had the sofa reupholstered.

  86. wait… can Victor build NANO robot tigers? They’d able to infiltrate ANY place on earth and the re-assemble into a FULL SIZED robot tiger? Now that would be GRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAAAT.

    I’m willing to help but my wife would make me finish painting the molding in our living room. I mean, whatever, it’s been 8 years why change a good thing?

    Nano robot tigers… sweeeeeet

  87. Robo Monkey, throws his own shit and his shit is nuts and bolts. He could poke an eye out.

  88. Just make sure you can give them a good home, or else you would wind up with hobo-robo-bobcats.

  89. I cannot believe in all this talk of robot tigers, robot cheetahs, robot lions, robot ligers, robot tigons, robobcats (yeah that sounds cooler) and robot ocelots (really? Ocelots? Who dug through their piles of National Geographic magazines for that one?) that the deadly, cunning and majestic lynx has been ignored. You will all learn to fear my army of genetically enhanced cyber-lynx!!!!

  90. Sorry, this is never going to happen. The reason Victor hasn’t made any robots yet is not that he’s lazy – it’s that he’s *efficient*. Engineers don’t waste energy on tasks that they know could be done more efficiently – which they could be – **if they only had robots**. It’s a vicious circle – Victor knows the robot-building could be done so much more easily if he just had his robot minions, so until he has them, he can’t make them. I feel for him.

  91. I’m still on the panther adoption waiting list.

    I’ll sleep while I wait.

    Lord knows I won’t once I’m successful.

    And, see, that’s the flaw in every wild cat with random button evil plan.

    Lack of sleep.

  92. You should totally invest in an Edirol portable recorder for those Victor conversations. Imagine what archaeologists of the future would find!

  93. I dunno, Robobcats sound like they’re involved with Rohypnol, which I’m generally against. Then again, we’re trying for scary, and Robotic felines that can make you forget what they did to you sound pretty disturbing.

  94. My kid turns 6 on Thursday and we haven’t bought him a birthday present. He adores Transformers and we just redid his room in robots. Pretty, pretty please can we have a robot tiger for his room? I mean, wouldn’t that be the coolest room decoration ever. Plus, it would keep his baby brother out of there (and away from his Transformer). Win-win.

  95. Victor should probably be more afraid that Tony is gonna team up with Voltron, cause that might swing the case, ya know.

  96. Victor is coming around to your logic. It’s very sweet. And Ferris Mewler can be their leader because Victor will be too buys in court.

  97. Would the Robo-Tiger run on Exxon fuel? And what about a Robo-cheetah? It would be very fast… We could put a Jaguar engine in it. Oh wait, a Jaguar in a cheetah? that just sounds like we would be going against nature to do that. We might be smited down for such a thing….

    Okay, I’ll just take a Robo-Ferris-Mewler. My beagles are getting a little round and need some exercise…. 🙂

  98. I’m terribly concerned. What happens if extreme killing machine robotigers set to “random” kill Victor? Who’s going to dismantle them then?

  99. I absolutely thought *you* were the one making the robot tigers and Victor was discouraging, until it got to the line about not even getting panic attacks. Mind was blown, The Others-style.

  100. Robobcats, obviously.

    Robo-bobcats just reminds me of all the people who couldn’t say Autopia when I worked at Disneyland. Auto-topia. Auto-topia. Robo-bobcats. It just sounds weird!

  101. So odd it makes me feel normal. Which should be interpreted as “absolutely amazingly fantasmagorical!”

  102. I can’t wait for the Robot tigers to come into reality. Why? Because I am an evil genius who is going to use my amazing computer skills to take control of their robot brains and then I’ll rule the world.

    Tell Victor if is nice I’ll let him be my number two.

  103. Funny you should mention bobcats. I, myself, am a Bobcat, and we have a fight song, “Hooray for Bobcats.” (I’m visible in the first 30 seconds playing first bassoon.) Words and music by Raymond Dombrowski, played by the Bel Air High School Dombrowski Reunion Band:
    “Hooray for Bobcats, hooray for Bobcats,
    Someone’s in the grandstands yelling, ‘Hooray for Bobcats!’
    One, two, three, four, who ya gonna yell for?
    Bobcats! Hooray! Rah, rah, rah! (repeat verse)”

  104. I don’t know if you are aware of how awesomely intimidating it is to comment on your blog. You’ll just have to trust me. After reading your post and some of the comments I had a vision of Wolf Blitzer being given a new chance at life as a roboblitzer.

  105. Years ago I became obsessed with creating robot lobsters for the sole reason to call them Robobsters. Its seriously fun to say.

  106. The discussion of robot tigers not not losing their case in court reminds me of a recent conversation. I was talking about calving icebergs like a glacier (long story) and my friend wanted to take me up on charges for wanton death and destruction (e.g. Titanic). I argued there was no point; nature cannot be tried and found guilty in any court. Therefore, nature is by law innocent of any and all crimes against humanity that it commits. My friend thought this was a cold and heartless view to take, to which I countered, “ah, that’s because I’m so innocent.” When asked if I cared about the lives ruined, I shrugged, and then had to apologize because, as a glacier, I had more than likely spawned some avalanches on skiers and ski resorts.

  107. (I enjoyed this post very much)

    Victor shouldn’t bother with simply constructing these Robotigers from scratch…he should go straight for designing the SELF-ASSEMBLING ROBOTIGER.
    Then you could get robotigers, like, everywhere. That would be way more badass…

  108. I just ordered your “I only have 1 finger left and I can Still poke your eye out” card– actually a few of them… do you sell them in bulk? I am a diabetic nurse educator and would love to give these out, but can’t afford to at $3.50/each… They are awesome! I love them!

  109. Oh. My. Tigers. Twisted…in a good way not a monitored by the police way…is the new chic. I want you guys to come to my house for dinner. And plotting.

  110. Omigod. I love you guys. In an I’ve-never-met-you way. You crack my shit up, and I’m kind of pleased to see that Victor is a hilarious nutcase, also. 🙂

  111. These are the types of coversations I have in my head. And also out loud with my sister. It has to be the Texas heat that has slowly cooked our brains into a crazy yet amazing mush.

  112. All I know is that Haley is going to grow up to become the one child to rule us all – and it will be SPECTACULAR. With your combined DNA, how can she lose?

  113. Thank Jebus someone thought of this! I feel much safer somehow knowing that robobcats and/or robo-tigers could someday get rid of the undesirables. Unless I’m an undesirable. Huh. You and Victor didn’t even say there would be ridding of undesirables. Dammit! Okay…so can there be? Because that would really be awesome.

  114. OMFG Victor has finally been seduced by your dark side, the world just got scarier and I’ve been reading a book all day with Bertie the 2 foot tall killer robot, but he smiles (electronically) a lot, how weird is that……

    Please don’t let Victor start his own blog the interweb thingy would go into meltdown with the battles and……
    what would we call Victors blog anyway ……

    The Rise of the Robo-Bobcats?

  115. Y’all are perfect for each other. And, I love you both. I want to live in your wold, even if it involves robo tigers and bob cats, and pumas….or really, robo anything.

  116. “My robot tigers have a random setting.” This is the funniest thing I’ve read all day. You and Victor are what I always imagine Amy Poehler and Will Arnett would be like at home.

    And by “always,” I mean that’s all I ever think about.

  117. Ferris Mewler’s heart would give out upon sight of a Robobcat or Robo-Tiger. Something to consider.

  118. You guys are obviously made for each other and fate intended you to be together. Yes, you’re different and you fight, but with the differences between the two of you, you have mentally fucked up pretty much all covered. I love that (and you guys!) because you see it in all the long-term relationships.

  119. Holy Cow! I love youse guys! Mostly because the fact that there’s another household on this freaking planet who has conversations like this! Makes the whole Cage Match between the Virgin of Guadalupe and Our Lady of Fatima discussion seem sane and normal! *giggles wickedly* Yes, we may be going to heck for this but we’ll have good company!

  120. Shame on you! You are being so analytical and trying to crush his dreams. Sometimes you just have to let art flow over you.

  121. So. Much. Love.


    And Robo-bobcats is *much* more intimidating (and more fun to say) than Robobcats.

    Just sayin'.

  122. ROBOCHUPACABRA! Tell Victor that no one knows what one really looks like, but everyone knows that they’re mean and scarier than shit! So all he has to do is build SOMETHING mean and scary and call it a “robochupacabra” and he’s done! Although he might have to make it ugly, too. But again – nobody knows what it looks like, so he’s in.

    In fact, now that I’m thinking about it (and the meds have kicked in), I just realized that Victor could just SAY he built robochupacabra but then it disappeared because no one has ever really seen a chupacabra so they obviously have stealth abilities. BADASS TO THE MAX STEALTH ROBOCHUPACABRA! Seriously – FTFW!

  123. Through the first half of this conversation, I thought maybe you had typoed who said which line…. hummmm…..

  124. You have finally come across the one thing Nathan Fillion can not say no too.
    He will have to do your bidding now, either from the utter coolness of having a Robocelot
    The utter terror of the suddenly flashing RANDOM button….get the damn twine ,Nathan!!Now!!
    Luv ya Jenny

  125. In High School we were the Norman Tigers.

    We needed those robo cats roaring us on to victory.

    So in addition to the random growl/smile/eat-your-face function, they also need to be able to travel back in time.

    I am placing my order now, Victor, so quit fucking around, OK?

    cc: NASA

  126. You know, if Victor could build tigers that could fold in on themselves, we could go through the airport with an awesome Robotiger, and when we get to the security line fold the tiger so it turns into a harmless bag (but with orange and black stripes) and then, when the terrorists strike turn the bag back into a tiger and the tiger could stop the hijacking.

    I think you should be able to get a government grant for something that awesome.

  127. I’m Team Robot Tiger but only if the recharging plug is in the tush. (I’d use a better word but I got someone reading over my shoulder as I type and I’m pretending to be an upstanding, nonswearing citizen Dammit!)

  128. Holy crap there’s two of you.

    I mean I know there are two of you, you’re a couple after all, but there’s two of you with the same brain!

  129. Does Victor like trail mix? If so, I’d check to make sure he didn’t get into the Judy Garland trail mix.

    Great. Now I’m missing Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal) all over again….

    Way to go, Victor.

  130. I’m thinking Robobcats be the type of thing Kickstarter would be interested in? I bet Victor could get the funding for his minions….

  131. What ever you’re smoking, please make it available in your store. I’d buy that shit by the kilo!

  132. Just one question: Do you just have a recorder on you at all times to keep track of your conversations?!? You must have a good memory. Love reading you and your hubbies antics on here.

  133. I know completly understand why you and victor are married. where is MY victor? this is seriosuly something to aim for people…a aman who cn have THAT conversation with you and it bbe TOTALLY NORMAL. Thats the brass ring my friends.

  134. My wife and I had that same conversation except, I was genetically engineering Flying Piranha Monkeys and Tony the Tiger wasn’t at the trial…. Wicked Witch of the West for copy right infringement.

  135. I agree with Rea. Victor has Beyonce issues. Your giant metal chicken mocks his robotiger dreams. There is only one way out of this. Build it. There’s a Robotics Hackathon coming up and Victor should absolutely win it hands down with a Robotiger/robobcat/robocelot. (Even if only android/iphone sized.) Here’s the link

  136. Awww, it’s nice that you’ve started sharing your meds with Victor. Welcome to the Dark Side, Victor.

  137. Jenny thank you so much for this!! I needed a laugh desperately today!!! I’ve re-read this 4 times and can’t stop laughing….this is almost Beyonce funny 🙂

  138. If he will make them in miniature I will pre order at least 2 dozen. AT LEAST. So hop to it, Victor.

  139. I’m all about robot wildcats. Bring them on. Also amusing that Victor is not always as sane as you make him out to be in your other posts. LOL.

  140. This may be my favorite post here, EVER!!!

    I didn’t know that sick ever came out of Victor’s ass! He’s hilarious! Just like you!

    And apparently I! Can’t! Stop! Using! Exclamation points!!


  141. Fuck Ferris Mewler’s heart, I’m worried about Posey! Can you all NOT take into account the feelings and health of the psychotic felines you ALREADY have on your payroll? What the hell is wrong with you? However, on the plus side, Hailey would have more playmates, as long as the teddy bears are okay with getting occasionally impaled on claws, which is way more traumatic than a splash of hot tea from Ferris’s oversized mitts, but then again, I’m sure pretty much every animal in your house, whether animate or inanimate, is used to trauma, so disregard everything I said.

    What were we talking about?

  142. Umm, yeah, clearly Victor’s the sane one. Sane enough to take over the world… which makes him incredibly frightening!

  143. If I was going to build a Robotic animal, it would so be a hippo. It may not be as pretty, but Roboppo would totally kick Robotigers ass. I mean c’mon. It’s a HIPPO! Let’s use some common sense here!

  144. You guys are making this way too complicated. What you do is . . . you don’t make robots. You HYPNOTIZE the REAL cats and make them your slaves. Production costs are way lower that way. And lots of other stuff makes sense. You have to get stoned, though.

  145. Ooooh! roBOBCATS. I had read it ROBObcats and thought it was hard to pronounce, but clever!

  146. Any way to animate Beyonce and make her their leader? Or just animate Beyonce so she can randomly wander the neighborhood and knock on doors.

  147. This is much better than the conversations where Victor is telling you that you are crazy.

    Oh, to be a fly on the wall in Jenny’s house. With a teeny-tiny tape recorder.

  148. Can you buy one as security for your house? Like that rescue panther from the Super Bowl commercial? But instead of an alarm sounding, it would yowl and go into kill mode?

  149. Well, I would suggest a product extension was possible: robo furbies, but I think someone beat me to it. There’s one on Calista Gingrich’s head right now.

  150. I’m not sure if anyone has mentioned this yet. But it actually sounds like Victor is constructing Robo Saber Tooth Tigers, seeing as how their Latin name is “Smilodon fatalis.” No joke.

    I was a huge Science Olympiad nerd in high school.

  151. Awesome and brilliant nerd-fest, that was! Now off to play my Star Wars MMO! <3

  152. I love when you post the times he’s the adult, but I just loved this so hard. You two must be adorable together.

  153. Can Victor program one for me to protect my sheep from the idiot neighbor’s dogs, which he insists on letting run loose even though he knows that I will call the sheriff and they will get impounded? A robo-tiger prowling the fence line might be just the thing I need

  154. Someone commented something about robot cougars, and all I could think about were robotic, lonely, older women hitting on unsuspecting young men at a bar. Diabolical, really.

  155. At first I thought you switched the names just to be funny and it was you they wanted to build Robot tigers… then I realized it really was him saying it and you being you.. but now I’m not sure as I type this. Wait, what happened. …. oh look a big metal chicken. and kittens. Sorry, ADHD.

  156. scary thought #1: this is an actual conversation that my Mate & myself would have…
    scary thought #2: He actually said to me the other day, in context, “I’m your Victor…”
    Yeah, he actually freaking said that!!! Scary!!!

  157. So is 16 years Giant Robot Tigers? You & Victor so deserve each other. Meant in the best possible way of course 🙂

  158. Its entirely possible that you are a very bad influance on Victor……..or that he may need meds as much as you do……or that you couldnt have picked a better partner if you had designed him yourself. Im pretty sure its all of the above.
    If i could design my own man he would totally look like Eddie Vedder….just sayin.

  159. Wow. Does Victor have a brother? You know, tall dark and single who can move to Oz and build me an army of robot kangaroos. We have too many kangaroos, and people have to go shooting them to control the population. (This is actually true. Look it up even.) Then, we could let loose the robo-roos and they could go pair up with the live ones, and everyone would be so confused that there’d be a ton less babies. It’s like the most humane thing ever. Plus, I’m changing antidepressants (anyone ever done that? side effects AND withdrawals. it suckssss) and I need some fun. Nothing like a good Save The World With Robots adventure.

    Ps. I was totally serious about the brother thing.

  160. Does Victor really exist or is he just a delusion, like that guy in The Fight Club? Because I’ve been wondering for a while if he’s some kind of figment or something. If possible, could you please prove in your next post that he exists, provide some concrete evidence for your readers? His social security number, maybe, or his astronaut application form? Thank you so much!

  161. if I had a robo-bobcat I’d so abuse the power. I’d be all “oh really coworker you’re looking down on poetry are you? Well, tell that to my friend here.” and then bam out comes robo-bobcat.


    I may have to write a robo-bobcat poem and dedicate it to you all.

  162. I would love to be a fly on your wall when ya’ll have these conversations!! Personally, I think Victor just needs to make every robo animal he can imagine. You could have an entire zoo of robo animals and it would be amazing. 😀

  163. My friend and I are lawyers and want to volunteer to represent the robotigers in the lawsuit…the only payment we request is that the robotigers agree to be mascots for LSU after we win!!

  164. I frakking love it when you post conversations between yourself and Victor. Always makes my day!

  165. This post makes me want a robot tiger. I’m not sure what I would do with it but I bet I wouldn’t ever get mugged with one by my side.

  166. I don’t have a law degree, but I am really good at useless arguing, so I will volunteer my services for the purpose of defending the robot tigers encouraging smiles!

  167. Dear Santa,

    Smiling ROBO-TIGERS is exactly what I need for $winterHoliday!
    Please bring me a gross of them.*


    * – All world domination plans are merely propaganda lies** by The Other Guys, and should be ignored.

    ** – Unless you bring me 2 gross smiling ROBO-TIGERS. In which case, once I am Master of The Earth, I shall see to it that you never want for cookies.***

    *** – And by cookies, I mean Girl Scout cookies. They will become the New Elves of the Keebler Kingdom. All for yoooouuu! (so long as there is 2 gross of ROBO-TIGERS this coming holiday.

  168. I love that Victor can be as batshit crazy as you! Your relationship with him is exactly like the relationship I have with my wife, but I am the one that brings home big metal chickens and names them…because we needed new towels! I would get the towels though. I am so happy to know there are other people like us in this world!

  169. perhaps you, Victor and Margaret Atwood could get together and develop Robo-bobkittens, cute, cuddly, ferocious and can beat you at your own game

  170. If you ever happen to be in the UK (London specifically) then PLEASE come to dinner with me. I want to witness these conversations for real.

  171. I *have* a marriage like yours, and I’m *still* jealous of how awesome your marriage is.

  172. I’m back because of the coincidence of finding a poet who is channeling a Civil War era champion for those with mental illnesses. And because of my inner walrus.

  173. Ok, First off, the two of you make me smile… a lot.

    2: Victor needs to make a robot phoenix with healing tears that is loyal to the two of you, so that if one of the robot tigers goes apeshit crazy on one of you, the robot phoenix will kick the tiger’s ass and then cry all over you and make everything better.

    Also, can tigers go apeshit crazy? or is that tigershit crazy? do the animals get mad when you compare their crazies? I don’t want to piss off the animal world, real or robotic.

  174. Come December 21st, 2012 robo tigers will be taken over by Skynet and thanks to Victor we are all FUCKED hard. I think i just shit my pants at the thought of robo tigers. Your household single handedly is responsible for most of the impending apocalyse.

    PS. It Look like Beyonce the Big Metal Chicken in danger. Victor might have a double diabolical plan on this one Jenny.

  175. You have to admit, robo-any cat would probably make robbing banks a lot more entertaining for the victims. “I was held at tiger-point!”

  176. This explains why we do not yet have a base on the Moon — NASA has been waiting for those robo-tigers.

    Also, the formal name would be robo ROBERT cats.

  177. Love the conversation between you and Victor. Would the robot tiger have stripes? Orange tiger or Siberian tiger?Or just be a generic robotic grey colour? Fur or metal? There are so many questions left unanswered! 🙂

  178. As long as you’re going to court, the Robotigers should make their own breakfast cereal called “Frosted Face”, with little Robotiger Cubs eating bowls of faces for breakfast. That will scare the SHIT out of the Kellogg’s attorneys. Case in favor of defendant, guar-un-teed.

  179. This is the best conversation ever. And I mean, even better than the last six or seven times I’ve said that exact same thing on this blog. I agree with whomever it was up in the 200’s that we need to be able to talk to each other. How ELSE can the Dark Army of The Bloggess unite when we have minions that need controlling? I’m a planner dammit – help meeeeeee….

  180. I hadn’t thought about robot tigers…I have been raising my son with a similar aim in mind though. After watching how some parents can badger and bully a child with lots of training and stuff to be incredible athletes I decided as soon as I had a child I would badger and bully him to become a mad scientist who takes over the world with Robots.

    Though if Victor is going to beat us to it I’m going to have up my game. (In fairness though I was going to give you the territory of Texas to be Viceroy over without expecting you to have to do anything. The robots would do all the day to day work, you’d just have to issue whims and uphold your overlords whims. The first Whim I’d demand would be silly hat Thursdays for a heads up.)

  181. I agree with one commenter – tiny robot tigers would be good. But mostly I was going to say the scary part…is knowing of people with your evil genius. And brilliance.

  182. My husband and I have several imaginary creatures, including a cougar who lives in Canada and has an Apache dealership. Said cougar is interested in contracting robo tigers. Just let us know.

  183. A: This is the funniest Victor has ever been.
    B: Real tigers are scarier because they hate you and they get hungry and think you smell like a delicious snack.
    C: Panic attacks are no laughing matter… a fact I have recently learned.
    D: I can’t wait to read your book.

  184. How wonderful that you and Victor found each other. Could there BE a more perfect couple? I’d love to come over for drinks and just listen to the banter…

  185. I hope that one day my husband will learn? transform? mutate? evolve? to be as fucked up as Victor. It’s kinda sad when only one person gets it.

  186. I’m totally picturing a tiger version of those toy robot dogs that bark and do backflips. Only, you know, they’d meow, obviously. I’m thinking I shouldn’t be on the R&D team…

  187. Every time I hear “robobcat,” I imagine the Bobcats from being spliced with the Borg. And that just makes it funnier to me.

  188. your conversations with Victor are the kind I want to have with my future (currently non existent) husband. If he can’t argue with me over the universal picture for ‘going down’ or robo-tigers then I don’t want any part of him!

    In short: I heart Victor

  189. I think if you are going to make robotic tigers you may as well make robotic versions of joseph gordon levitt. I love him and there is only one of him to go around. I would drop hubs in a hot minute if I could have a robotic version of the man I am in lurve with. I wonder if we can program to not fart and stuff? Ask Victor, I think I’m on to something.

  190. And this is a perfect example of why you and Victor are perfect for each other! i personally would like to order a robot elephant to work towards world domination Hanibal style.

  191. Robo-cougars scared me a little bit until I realized I’m already older than all the cougars I ever met. Threat averted. I have, up until this point, always regarded Victor as a kind of stabilizing influence in your life – the guy who tries at least to put on the brakes occasionally and injects just enough sanity to keep you from jetting off the reservation with full-on afterburners. Now I see that this has so far just been a matter of serendipitous timing. One day you are both going to be raving bonkers at the same time. This prospect is way scarier than robo-anything-I-can-imagine.

  192. This is an AMAZING dialogue! I would have spent the rest of the day going into fits of giggles.

  193. I got nearly halfway through the conversation before I realized Victor was talking about making the Robot tigers. Had to re-read and cried with laughter until the very end.

    Where could one get a Robot Tiger (assuming Victor does complete the project)? I’d be thrilled if it were available in your Zazzle shop. 🙂

  194. You may want to do robo-babies (robabies?) as well. My child decided that he should demonstrate what a super cute robo-baby would look like – notice the EVIL GROWL.

    I’ll keep an eye out for robotigers…

  195. I must say – I think that’s the first time I’ve ever had a difficult time keeping the two of you straight. Victor sounded like you. You sounded like you. You both sounded like. . .you. OK. I’m getting creeped out now. I’m going to hide under my bed.

  196. I just heard a news report this week that the military just invented a robot mule. A ROBOT MULE. The MILITARY just invented a robot MULE. MOAR CAPS TO SHOW HOW CRAZY I THINK THIS IS. You guys are sitting here coming up with a real weapon that will scare the shit out of our enemies so hard that… they’d be really scared (I’m not good at threats) and our ACTUAL military invented a robot… MULE.

  197. I do think it could be potentially damaging to the case or R. Tiger v T Tiger if the robo tigers were STILL set on random at the trial, because at any time they could stop grinning and start attacking. . . Or. . . randomly. . . continue grinning while they attack, because that’s the nature of randomness.

    Who’s in charge of that setting?

  198. This makes me feel better about the random crazy conversations my husband and I have. My daughter would love a robo -tiger, she’s a tiger fan. Maybe just a robo tiger cub so it doesn’t maul her to death, she’s a small child. Maybe we should just stick to the orange tabby we got her, but a robo tiger would be more awesome. hmmmm….

  199. I just keep coming back here to read this. “They have a right to be here, Tony. This concerns them too.” Makes me laugh every time.

  200. I am late to this post, but I love everything about it.

    I would also like to be put on a Robot Jaguar list, because I love them more than tigers or bobcats.

  201. And THIS is why you and Victor are married. You make it sound like he’s the sane one who grounds you and keeps you from going all Honey Badger on people and shit. But I think it’s the other way around. I mean a NASA engineer who wants to invent robot tigers so he and his his fab but slightly demented wife can rule the world?

    Yeah, he’s the crazy one. You, my dear Jenny, are perfectly sane. Imagine what would happen if Victor didn’t have you around to pull him back from the ledge?

  202. Was reading this and “Eye of the Tiger” came on Pandora. Robotigers should have a theme song!

  203. Robot Laughing Hyenas will also be scary. Because you don’t know if they’re actually laughing at your possible demise or laughing just because if they didn’t laugh then they would just be a plain old robot hyena. Now, Robot Crying Hyenas are more scarier. Instinctively, you would want to comfort them so they would stop crying, but then once you come closer they’ll go straight for the jugular. Once you’re dead, they would continue to cry until another person comes along. It’s like a vicious cycle of crying and killing.

  204. OMG! I love reading your convos with your husband…hilarity mixed with concern on how you two work it out…but after reading this…it’s obvious…you two are so much alike! I rarely get silly with my hubby because he makes fun of me…and I’m so sensitive!

    I wait a week or so to read your blog posts because one blog post is NOT ENOUGH!!

    And on the robot tigers…don’t forget the body language. Flat ears, swishing tail, and narrowed eyes. SCARY!

  205. Please ask Victor to consider shaved robo bears because hairless bears are actually scarier looking than tigers and they dance better

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