Her name is Juanita. Juanita Weasel. Unless you can think of something better.

The other day a girl on twitter sent me a picture of a taxidermied weasel that reminded her of me.  Victor thought this was meant to be an insult but then I showed him the picture and he gave me a look like “HOLYSHITSNACKS, THAT TOTALLY REMINDS ME OF YOU.”  Or possibly “HOLYSHITSNACKS, WHY ARE YOU BUYING OLD TAXIDERMIED RODENTS?”

Those looks are remarkably similar.

Anyway, I called the place and I said, (in a very high-brow, professional way) “Yes, I’m calling about a weasel?” and then I bought an old, dead weasel over the phone like I was ordering a pizza.  Then I couldn’t stop giggling and Victor refused to speak to me for the rest of the day.

This weasel had already paid for itself.

Victor likes to pretend my bizarre posse of taxidermied friends isn’t awesome but even he was having a hard time keeping the awe out of his voice when Juanita arrived.

Juanita

She’s the first female taxidermied animal I’ve owned, and she stunned me with her diversity. She could look surprised, terrified, overjoyed, irritated and ready to attack depending on the angle and how you were feeling.  She was like a tiny Rorschach inkblot test.  Victor said she looked like she wanted to eat our faces off but personally I thought she just looked so damned happy to see us.  I told Victor that I thought our feelings about this weasel said a lot about our personalities and he agreed although probably not for the same reason.  One thing was certain, this weasel had range.  

Victor:  Where in the hell are you even going to put it?  We’ve run out of room for your weird antique taxidermy.  This is something I never thought I’d have to say to my wife.

me:  Me either because it’s obvious where she fits.  Juanita will go in the art niche.  IT’S PERFECT.

Victor:  You don’t put a stuffed weasel in an art niche.

me:  Well not alone, obviously.  She’d be dwarfed in that large space.  You put a stuffed weasel and an antique alligator dressed as a pirate in an art niche.  It’s a diorama.  IT PRACTICALLY SCREAMS “ART NICHE”.

Then Victor walked off because apparently he doesn’t understand how art works.

They're like Barbies, only grosser and with more realistic figures.

My assumption is that Victor didn’t appreciate my weasel/alligator diorama because he assumed that the weasel was a boy and didn’t understand that the alligator is a transvestite.  I understood his confusion and so I attempted to make things more obvious for him, but when he asked if I would help him button his sleeves I said, “I can’t right now.  I’m trying to put a dress on this weasel” and then he just walked right out of the house.  Which is unhelpful and also sloppy because no one outside can button those sleeves for you either, Victor.  Plus, he missed out at the first look at Juanita in her snappy new frock:

Anyway, the point is that I now have a new friend and that she’s very glad to meet you.  She’s also starting her own line of greeting cards (see  below) since Victor seems to think that antique taxidermy is an economic drain to us, rather than a boost to the American economy.  I pointed out that I’d already sold $20 worth of Juanita Weasel cards and then he pointed out that I was the one who bought them but I think he’s missing the point and is being every unpatriotic.  Also, I can’t defend myself properly because Economics wasn’t on my degree plan.  I blame my college for making me take mandatory bowling but not offering classes on weasel economics.  Thanks a lot, State College.

PS.  Victor just came back in and I showed him Juanita and explained that she’s so me that I can’t even stand it.  Victor says he can’t stand it either but I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing.

PPS.  I can’t even stop with these:

Sometimes a joyous game of freeze-tag and a scream of terror can look very similar.

 

Happy Holidays. Fuck with me and I will cut you.
We're laughing with you. Not at you. Unless you aren't laughing.

 

LITERALLY.

Want to support the American (and Lawson) economy and encourage stimulus and more taxidermic purchases?  Then check out these fine Juanita products: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

UPDATED:  As requested, a Juanita Weasel souffle apron.

661 thoughts on “Her name is Juanita. Juanita Weasel. Unless you can think of something better.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Victor is probably just jealous and feeling left out that he doesn’t have a dead animal that is him.

  2. I think of your house as like Sam’s from The Lost Boys where he keeps hiding the taxidermied animals in the closet. Wake up and BAM! There’s Juanita.
    Mmmm, double-stuffed Oreos.

  3. One day, you need to take us on a full photo tour of all the “weird”-ness in your house. Until then, the book can’t be released soon enough!

  4. I think Juanita and I were separated at birth because that’s EXACTLY how I look in an apron. All she needs now is a mini strand of pearls.

  5. she needs to live on the back of the toilet so Victor will never poop again.. or at least never one of those nice relaxed sliders

  6. Looks to me like Juanita is dancing. She’s puttin’ her hands up in the air, wavin’ ’em ’round like she just don’t care.

  7. hilarious!

    also “holyshitsnacks”? i see you are a fan of Archer as well.

    color me not surprised!

  8. It’s not just the frock. It’s the apron. I mean, a weasel in a dress? Sure. But missing something. Add an apron, and you’ve got an unapologetically unironic look at the irony of the 50s. Or the ironing of the 50s. Did you iron that apron?

  9. You totally needed that weasel, 100% back you on that decision. Also: “I can’t right now. I’m trying to put a dress on this weasel” is my new way to get out of doing things. JSYK.

  10. Where did you find the frock? It’s perfect! ” 🙂
    Oh, and by the way, I already went to the gym today and did my ab workout, so all of this laughing is just picklejuice. dammit!

  11. Silly Victor. Weasels aren’t rodents, they are part of an entirely different family. They will cheerfully eat rodents, so Juanita will be a deterent to mice and rats that have gotten over their cat fear.

  12. OMFG I totally want to lick the side of your face in unabashed pure innocent joy at the fact that you exist and I can read your blog! Heart. HARD.

  13. I love how you have the perfect outfit for a taxidermied weasel. And Juanita Weasel is the perfect name.

  14. I’m picturing Juanita in a nativity scene sans infant in the manger with the tagline:
    “MERRY CHRISTMAS! SORRY I ATE THE BABY JESUS”

  15. I had to go to the bathroom when I started this post, and I may or may not have dribbled down my pants when the souffle pic scrolled by!

  16. I really really hate to ask, but how exactly do you *know* that it’s a girl? Or that it *was* a girl? That is just too funny.

  17. And I thought I drove my husband nuts with my pens and my cards and my aprons. Maybe I should take up collecting weird creepy animals. Then again, I like sleeping.

  18. Victor just does not understand art or humor. What’s up with that? You think he’d get it by now.

    My personal favorite is the last picture. I wasn’t even that jealous until I got to that one. Now, I am a little jealous. Not as much as over Beyonce, but still..

  19. Enough is enough! I’ve had it with these motherfuckin’ gators in this motherfuckin’ art niche.
    (And, may I just add that the gator just screams to be named Tallulah Gatorhead.)

  20. I am totally going to get those new baby cards! Several of my most twisted friends are currently preggers. They’ll love them!

  21. OMG, I see what you mean… art niche with the alligator definitely… she needs a sombrero though… I don’t know why but she does… might be the painkillers talking today

  22. I imagine a tiny waterfall in the last picture where Juanita has been in the jungle for two weeks and this is how she is drinking the water falling from a tiny leaf. Only her dress would be in tatters.

  23. ROFL. That last one is hilarious! Souffle! XD

    You are acquiring quite a collection of these, aren’t you? You could practically start a natural history museum at this point!

  24. I totally picture Juanita in her little apron with the caption, “Oh the HUMANITY”. or “FUCK BEIBER FEVER GET WESALMANIA”

    You are awesome, I so wish I had a collection like you.

  25. I see the weasel (especially the soufflé picture) and think, “And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII… Will always love YYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU!”

    Too soon?

    Sorry.

  26. …and in the spirit of the honey badger, I say: “Juanita weasel don’t give a shit! She’s busy finding a baby to eat!”

  27. The weasel looks like it’s yelling “STEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAA” in that Marlon Brando STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE kind of way!

  28. You’re making me want to start my own collection of antique taxidermy, except that I have no money, and no room for such things even if I could afford them. I will just have to stalk your website (like I wasn’t doing that already) for pictures of truly awesome taxidermied animals.

  29. The rodents (and metal chickens very likely) are going to take over your house. This is why I only collect sarcastic phrases–they take up less shelf space. On the downside I can’t make awesome greeting cards out of cynicism. Or can I??

  30. This is beyond amazing. I really need someone to buy me creepy taxidermy. Love the ones of her in a dress!

  31. My latest issue of Country Living magazine lists taxidermy as one of the up-and-coming categories of collectibles. I shit you not. You are a trendsetter.

  32. Please tell me you are going to make Juanita cards w/ “the motherfucking souffle is ruined!” on them. I need that & think they would be delightful as House Warming cards. Please?

  33. Juanita is pretty good, but I think I like Wanda better. But she wasn’t delivered to my house, so Juanita it is.
    Plus, I think she needs to be sportin’ some spandex. Nothin’ says “Weasel” like spandex. If you’re trying to say “Little Orphan Annie” with claws then the frock is just right.

  34. Due your accurate logic and Juanita’s “come-hither-ness” staring at me from this post, I must now go find the most appropriate art to put in my home’s weasel niche. Dammit!

  35. I totally lost my shit over the frock. It is PERFECT! Victor may see it as a decent in to total (hilarious) madness but OMG HI GURL your people need you. America needs you. The entire American economy may hinge on a weasel fretting over a souffle.

    I guffawed. LIke a barking seal.
    Is it illegal to own a taxidermied seal? Probably not in Texas.

  36. As a Second thought. The Souffle is Ruined photo needs to be on the front of an apron. I would totally beg my husband for that.

  37. Are these going to be actual cards? If so, I will totally buy
    them! HILARIOUS. Especially the souffle one. Please sell them!

  38. LMAO. How did you even find a dress to fit to the weasel? I LOVED the pictures with the captions. It truly does convey a wide range of emotions. By the way, I think she blends in with your dolls but the set up is with the alligator.

  39. HOLYSHITSNACKS – I laughed all the way through this! And was darn near crying by the time I got to the “This Souffle is Ruined!” photo. My son asked when I had the time to pose!

  40. i’m crying and awesome husband doesn’t get why. he will when i show him this.

    ALSO. i’m thrilled that jean-louis has a friend to trade frocks and hats and makeup tips with.

  41. Lovely addition to your collection. I think Juanita should be dressed in something a little more “dangerous” looking. Maybe a teensy-weensy travelingreddress….? Seems to fit her daring personality. 🙂

  42. Damn! Now I’m feeling needy of more Juanita pics, PLEASE! I can’t have enough of her, I want a Juanita formyself but it could never be as great as this one, I hope you want to share more pictures of her with the world.

  43. Jenny,
    You KNOW I adore you. Truly. But, I’m kinda getting worried about your daughter’s, how shall we put this……ummm……ability to understand all this crazy ass shit? Just having an anxiety attack on behalf of all nervous bloggers out there and it’s almost time for your book to come out and I can’t wait. Love, Laurie F.

  44. Juanita would look awesome as a decorative pin in the lapel of Wolf Blitzer.

    Assuming he has a lapel.

    And neither creature comes back to life to eat the other one.

    I wonder where PETA would stand on that?

    It would be great if I could borrow Juanita for a few days to get rid of this stupid wild Terror Duck that will not leave us alone here in New Zealand.

    Doubling the meds for the Crack Puppy is not a sustainable option.

    All my guns are still in Oklahoma, and I am NOT taking on this MF Terror Duck without a 12 gauge or Juanita or Wolf.

    Or possibly Beyonce if she is dressed like a raptor.

  45. This makes me want my own taxidermied collection. My fiance already rolls his eyes at my stuffed animals, think about how much more I could annoy him with REAL dead animals!

  46. Dear Bloggess,

    Have I actually ever told you how unbelievably happy you make me with just a single, magical, HOLYSHITSNACKS post of epic awesome? If you weren’t married and I wasn’t with my beautiful, charming, loving girlfriend (who happens to be sitting right next to me at the moment) I would totally brave the Texas heat and hellish dry to seek your presence out. BTW, that weasel is TOTALLY you. Like WHOA.

    THE END! (SHITSNACKS!!!! Brought to you by Kellogs)

  47. Good gracious. That is the snappiest frock I’ve ever *seen* on a weasel. Have you ever considered opening up a weasel-dressing business?

  48. Omg you’re killing me. I’m supposed to be working and instead I’m laughing so hard I’m crying and all the while trying not to make a sound so as not to disturb those in the office around me. I LOVE Juanita Weasel. She’s the perfect addition to your fucked up taxidermied family. <3 You're the best. Truly.

  49. I think that Juanita in her dress and that pirate alligator look like two bff’s lost in their own little world. You know, the kind who stroll arm in arm down the street cackling and laughing about stuff only they understand while everyone looks on in disgust that they are so loud and obnoxious but then silently wish they could be that carefree and in love with life? Yeah, like that. It’s almost fucking magical.

  50. OMG! My sides hurt from laughing so hard.

    I’m sitting here hysterical over this post & my husband asked what was so funny. I let him read it. Nothing. He looked at me and said “I don’t get it.” Whaat?

    Men are weird.
    And I want a taxidermied weasel.

  51. The only thing about this post that makes me sad is that I don’t know what taxidermied animal would remind anyone of me. Do you know someone who can help me figure this out?

  52. Jazz hands….I see jazz hands!
    Loves me some dead weasel. Especially dead weasels that lack cooking skills.

  53. You could start charging admissions to the house with all proceeds going to the Travelling Red Dress and other good causes.

    Thank you for sending me to bed happier………..

  54. The black tail and proportionately shorter neck lead me to believe that your weasel is a Stoat or Ermine, though I’m certainly no expert.

    Hello, The Bloggess.

  55. While I agree that the dress fits Juanita quite well, it makes me feel like she’s about to burst out singing “The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music”…which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Unless you hate singing. Or music. Or hills.

  56. LMAO! Holy Crap! Just when I think you are all that and a bag of chips, you write yet another BRILLIANT blog post. I cannot wait to read your book! I love you so much now, I could possibly burst. You put the furious in furiously happy! ;-D

  57. Oh. My. God. I am doing the uglycry from laughing so hard AT WORK.
    And now I’m late for my wing date and it’s all your fault Jenny!
    And the motherfucking souffle is RUINED!

    Oh God. (wipes eyes)
    Thank you.

  58. not sure if it’s been said but I like the name Ginny Weasley for obvious reasons. lol Plus she ends up with Harry Potter! You could get a Harry Potter doll for her.

  59. I was thinking Mercedes when I first saw her photo. I somehow imagine her voice being that of the woman that spoke as the the demon voice in the original Exorcist, the lovely Mercedes McCambridge. Or possibly, Judy because I can equally imagine her having Judy Tenuta’s voice, so there’s that. And then there’s Juanita, which also fits perfectly.

    Decisions, decisions . . .

    As ever, many thanks.

  60. My husband just shakes his head and tells me that sometimes he is very glad we are broke as it means I can’t buy “absurd things” like you do. I told him that there is nothing absurd about Juanita. She is all business. Secretly, I think he can’t wait for the day when we do have the money.

  61. Awesomely wonderful weasel AND we finally get to see Jean Louis the Alligator Pirate in all his regalia! My day is complete, thank you.

  62. wow… just wow!! I love it!! I also love that you already had a dress smock in her size! I think she goes rather well with the rest of the doll collection! And range does not even begin to describe the amazingness that Juanita oozes all over the place!

  63. I just had half my office asking me what I was laughing out loud at…I pretended it was a funny email from a friend that they wouldn’t understand and then emailed this link to just the cool co-workers who think reading stuff like this is a productive use of their workday…cause it is! Thanks for making me laugh!!

  64. I need a poster with the souffle dress, but it should say, “How is this my life?!” And you can give one to Victor as well.

  65. I imagine Juanita as a girl with a mouthful of a full name – Juanita Luz Esperanza Castiliano. It’s elegant but let’s you know that she means business.

    I saw Juanita’s pic when it was originally sent to you and commented that she needs to be on a book jacket. Now I know that she needs to be on a book jacket while wearing her lovely frock (and accessorized with the afore mentioned lovely strand of pearls). This of course means that you need to write another book. I’m really sorry about pressuring you like that but one cannot disappoint a weasel like Juanita.

  66. I saw this post, and had to run to the store…Apparently I am supposed to cook dinner for my son EVERY day. There is a Home Goods next door, and I always run in to see if I can find Beyonce. To my disappointment and probably to the disgust of the employees I always am asking for a 4ft metal art deco chicken, the again said no. I shocked the heck out of them today, when I followed there no with a new question…”Well do you at least have a taxidermy weasel?”

    One walked away muttering to herself, the other just stared at me. For some reason I have a feeling that they don’t want me to come back….

    Weird

  67. Oh god. JUANITA IS TERRIFYING!!!!

    Now I am going to have to weigh my love of visiting your blog with my total horror of rodents.

    It was bad enough with the dead mouse.

    But the angry Mexican squirrel in multiple reposes of leisure… it just may be too much for me.

  68. I think it’s possible that you’re the funniest person alive. OMG. I love you. And Juanita. You kind of make me want to start collecting crazy-ass taxidermied animals so I can freak people out with them, except they freak me out, too. OMG. I can’t stop laughing. 🙂

  69. Juanita Weasel is the perfect name. Especially if you say it with a poor imitation of a Mexican accent (I can’t do a good imitation, so it’s all I’ve got to go on).

  70. Thank you, I have never laughed so hard in my entire life. Oi, the souffle’! I think that you should send these to hospitals so that the patients may have laugh therapy. Laughter being the best medicine and whatnot. Tell Victor that your not just an entrepreneur, you’re a Fucking Humanitarian. You could have your own clinic, or take the “kids” to visit patients – like therapy pets. Who wouldn’t love a Therapy Weasal, ya’ll?

  71. There is no way I can ever express how much I love you! Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for the pics and your wonderful narrative!

  72. I am reading this like “WTF is going on?”and suddenly I get to the picture of Juanita with the pretty yellow dress and now I just can´t stop crying with laughter.

  73. I laughed so hard at the last picture, I was snorting. My oldest (middle school) daughter stage-whispered to her little sister, in a smart-ass voice, “Umm…Mom’s at it again. Just go with it.”

    I need a weasel in an apron just so I can screw up dinner… Oh I wonder if I can blame the weasel?

    The possibilities are endless…

  74. I love this post! Rodents in pretty frocks…transvestite crocodiles. It’s like a scene from Peter Pan gone horribly wrong.

  75. I can barely see to type laughing so hard I’m crying, I need me a Juanita motherfucking souffle’ is ruined poster

  76. On seeing the first photo, I immediately thought “She needs a cape.” Not “OMG, not another creepy stuffed animal,” but “that’s an epic weasel right there that needs a cape to showcase her awesome.”

    Now I’m thinking a sword around the waist. Maybe some boots. However, it’s hard to compete with the frock.

  77. I am home alone dying with laughter. My dog is looking at me like I am insane. That was great. Thanks for the laugh!

  78. “Juanita will go in the art niche.”

    I bet those words together have never been uttered before.

    And if I haven’t been reading you for so long, I’d bet they’d never be uttered again.

    But really…who am I kidding?

  79. I am currently working on my first piece of taxidermy. His name is Stryker and soon he will be the best fighter pilot squirrel ever. I can only hope he ends up as awesome as this weasel.

  80. I’m *fairly* certain that, dressed in her frock, Juanita needs to be in a Beatrix Potter story.

  81. Juanita is frightening. The two together in the niche almost made me vomit my orange. But I couldn’t stop looking. The end (the now-classic souffle pic) was worth it, but I really had to work to get there.

  82. Oh my hell….I never thought I’d be saying this but….now *I* want a taxidermied weasel in a frock. Mainly, because she looks like me whenever I walk into the laundry room and see the mounds of clothes waiting to be washed, dried, pressed – repeat.

  83. My favorite part of all of this is how, to your loyal readers, the purchase and staging of Juanita is perfectly natural… expected even. Clearly this purchase could not be avoided.
    ….Yet to others, it might appear as if you are starting your own kind of show for TLC “Disintegrating Taxidermy Hoarders”.
    You make me proud.

  84. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually wish I could buy that last one as an e-card. (I’d want a poster [sans profanity] for my grandmother. Oh yes…)

  85. I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner – but after reading this out to my gay wheelchair bound roomie as we both died laughing – I totally pre-ordered you book 😛 you’re kind of my hero!

  86. Ok, I saw her and immediately thought “Eleanor Roosevelt!”, but that’s not her name and I totally get it (…I guess, I mean, it’s not like she’s my taxidermied weasel or anything…)

  87. –>I have to admit that your collection is a little disturbing to me but the Souffle being Ruined made me LAUGH.

    I think Juanita is screaming for a Red Dress on Wil Wheaton.

  88. I too harbor bitter resentment for State College’s glaring lack of weasel economics curricula. Bastards.

    She looks like a Consuela to me.

  89. In the meantime, do you have a motherfuckin’ souffle as a print for my laundry room (which every visitor must pass through to go to the bathroom).

  90. you make me laugh!!!! All I could think of with her in that apron was “…the Hills are alive, with the sound so music ahhhh ahhh ah ahhh……..”
    I will never be the same again.

  91. I work in an Independent bookstore, and today we got the galley of “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” in our March A B A “white box” and I held it up and danced around the store, yelling, “THIS WILL BE THE BEST BOOK IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE”.

  92. It is so very clear that the alligator’s life was incomplete until you brought Juanita into his life. I hope Victor can understand that.

  93. Okay, I have found my new catchphrase for any bad/irritating/stressful situation: “This motherfucking souffle is RUINED!” And I will throw my arms up in the air and picture myself as Juanita Weasel when I do. And I will be awesome. Because of Juanita. And Jenny. 🙂

  94. My theory is Victor simply hasn’t spent enough time with Juanita. Perhaps if you positioned her next to his side of the bed, so she can greet him properly when he wakes up. I’m just sayin’. Maybe that would help.

  95. So I showed this to my kids. Not to sound too John Hinkley psycho but we are now positive that you are my long lost sister! You dress up in period attire, buy antique taxidermy, dress those items in awesome dresses, and your husband doesn’t fully comprehend the awesomeness of the whole thing!

    I now know where to buy all future greeting cards!!!!

  96. TFA (totally fucking awesome)! I love the name and the pics and the transvestite alligator all in an art niche. I will totally by some more bookplates or some other item of minimal cost so that you can keep this habit up.

    P.S. So totally makes up for last week btw so apology accepted. You can definitely leave anytime you like if the return posts are anything like this one. 🙂

  97. Please Please Please say that you’ll put together a formal nativity crèche for Christmas with all the taxidermied animals. PLEASE!!!!

  98. I offered up the frozen raccoon I found in my shed yesterday to any local taxidermists, but nobody claimed it. So I waited for it to thaw a bit, pried it up with a shovel and deposited it head first in a tin bucket for hubby to take into the forest.

    He took it across the street fifteen minutes ago. That raccoon could have been a star!

  99. Good lord… Victor acts so nuts sometimes. I mean, really, who DOESN’T have an antique taxidermied weasel? Love the cute dress.

  100. Ok, so I was having a shitty day, and then I saw that picture of them laughing together and I just couldn’t stop laughing!

    Thank you!

  101. “Ohhhh shit!” was the first words that came out of my mouth when I saw Juanita Weasel.

    I need the holiday ornament card so I can send them to people who make me mad.

  102. Taxidermy is the art of embalming animals and they are taxidermied, but taxidermy used as a noun doesn’t sound right. I think the noun form of taxidermy should be “taxiderm.” So Victor would say, “we have no more room for your taxiderms.” You’re welcome.

    BTW, the dress is spectacular on Juanita.

  103. This post was so damn funny, I did a spit take. It was awesome! Unless you are my keyboard and monitor. I Would totally invest in some of those postcards! I havent laughed that hard since the post about the marmarketing people.

  104. I laughed so hard at the maniacal weasel and alligator laughter picture I woke the cats up.
    Juanita in the yellow apron reminds me of the time I dressed my kittens up in doll clothes; similar facial expressions, though overall I imagine dressing Juanita involved a little less noise (though she does looks like she has quite the set of lungs) and less blood too. =) Thanks for the well-timed homework distraction.

  105. God I love her…your collection is beyond amazing…ahe reminds me that my husband wanted to name or first child Juanita…or Crowbar. Luckily he wasn’t in the room when it came time to fill out the birth certificate.

  106. Thank you. I got laid off today and have been feeling utterly crappy but this: “Victor didn’t appreciate my weasel/alligator diorama because he assumed that the weasel was a boy and didn’t understand that the alligator is a transvestite.” made me snort tea out my nose. Feels good to laugh. 🙂

  107. After all these years of NEVER being able to find my name on anything cool….this is definitely worth the wait.

  108. I love how Ferris Mewler must always investigate any new stuffed arrival into your house. He’s like the taxidermy quality inspector committee….

  109. You sooooooo ROCK!!!!!! Thank you once again for making me laugh!!! Doctors should start prescribing you for pain and depression. Always helps me!

    Keep it comin…
    Tamiko

  110. The only loser here is the doll who was presumably wearing this dress before it got given to Juanita. It must be hard, getting kicked out of the art niche and sitting there ass-naked, just watching Juanita get famous. But, you know, tough shitsnacks for her.

  111. I just laughed so hard at this that I had to put the phone on the other side of the room to compose myself away from the images.

    Also, I think the laughter has dislocated my jaw. I’m in a lot of pain right now and I’m pretty sure my mouth shouldn’t gape open permanently like this but I’m going to say it was worth it.

    Thank you so much for being so weird.

  112. Bahahaha. Weasels usually creep me out, but this made me laugh until I cried. Seriously, how do you come across these things?!

  113. Okay I am convinced that you and I were officially separated at birth. I have told my friends for decades (yes,decades) that when i get older I am going to be the crazy cat lady but instead of live cat they will be taxidermied cats and will be dressed in mid century outfits and given names like “Sir Cottonpants”. We will have tea parties. So you can imagine how much I love this post. Your friends and my friends will get together and party like it is 1899.

  114. That soufflé picture is my FAVORITE.

    You make me want to start my own collection of antique taxidermy.

    Also? I didn’t know that was a thing. What is the opposite of “antique taxidermy?” Fresh taxidermy? How fresh are we talking, here? At some point, can’t we just all agree that dead animals are probably antiques in their own right?

    “Look at that armadillo on the side of the road, Jan. It’s an antique!”

  115. Yeah, I can’t help myself laughing, she’s so anti-weasel in the souffle card. Clearly that is “oh snap! (goes the weasel)”

    And I’m sorry “I’m putting a dress on the weasel” sounds like something teenage boys will monopolize a bathroom to do.

    WG

  116. Ok, so I’ll admit Juanita really wasn’t working for me……..then came the dress. Then it all fell gloriously into place. Now, I’d like to consider her my new best friend. Perhaps you could put in a good word for me?

  117. oh my goodness I am in love with juanita! She is amazing! And so versatile, I bet even Bettie Davis couldn’t manage that many interpretations of a look. I never thought I’d see a transvestite gator and a weasel having a bitch fest but my eyes have been opened. In the best possible way. Juanita is awesome that is all!

    Dp
    X

  118. You so need to make “thank you” cards with Juanita. You know, for the special people.

  119. You are a strange and wonderful person.

    The weasel, however, is creeping me out. Except when he/she is in the frilled pinafore. At which point she kicks ass.

    Girl power!

  120. My husband just asked me what I was laughing at…I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe you can make a card that explains it?

  121. I need that last shot of Juanita in the apron in my kitchen. Is there any way you can add some sort of swanky curly border and make it into frameable print? I would like to buy a gazillion.

  122. I was just thinking, “That weasel needs a lovely little dress,” and then, BOOM. It’s like you’re reading my mind, which is both completely disturbing and all kinds of awesome.

  123. I looked at her and thought: Elizabeth Ferret Browning

    I know, she’s a weasel bet do the math.

    All weasels are not ferrets BUT all ferrets are weasels.

    just a thought.

  124. The “This Motherfucking Souffle is Ruined” shot just turned my weeping-myself-into-a-puddle day into a doubled-over-laughing day. Thank you for that.

  125. We’ll all look back on this post in a couple of days and remember that all of us got to witness the day the stuffed weasel internet meme was born.

    Frack yeah.

  126. Tears running down my cheeks looking at the souffle’ pose. Thanks for bringing joy to this evening.

  127. Wil Wheaton led me to this blog post. I’ve read several of your others and laughed hysterically. This one. Brought tears. Thank you for giving me something to laugh at at the end of a rotten day. (There are no words for the weasel in the apron yelling about her ruined souffle!)

  128. Thank you, Jenny.

    It’s my husband’s birthday and I needed to give him the perfect gift. So I just did a dramatic reading of this post, accompanied by the photos…and proved, once again, that hysterical laughter is the best present you can give someone. Ever.

  129. When Juanita gives up the souffle biz, I totally see her on Broadway. As Evita. “Don’t cry for me Argentina!”. I smell TONY!

    Jenny, you rule.

  130. The souffle one had me rolling on the bed burying my head to stifle my laughter. My husband always knows when I’m reading your blog by my inability to convey what’s so damn funny (I think it’s his issue, not mine).

  131. This is the funniest post I have read! I cannot stop laughing!! Literally crying with laughter, hysterically, so hard my stomach hurts! And when I feel a little sympathy for Victor….I laugh even harder!! I am sooooo buying some Juanita stuff!!!!

  132. I would totally have named my taxidermied weasel Lola. If only because my fiance won’t let me name any pet that comes into our home Lola (though I have the best red Doberman name ever picked out for if he ever wavers on that for one second. Well. And if he ever gets me a second Doberman.)

    Also, I think we need one captioned “DO I LOOK PRETTY?!”

  133. I know a certain husband who NEEDS to wake up to Juanita’s arms wrapped around his boy parts. This also must be videoed. Not his junk, just his face when he sees it. Unless he likes it. I don’t wanna know if he likes it. Freaky bastard.

  134. I now know what scares me more than dolls…dolls that used to be alive. Thank you for helping me overcome my one fear and then helping me develop a whole new one, just to shake things up a bit.

  135. That weasel needs a little red dress!

    I had this conversation with my husband over our early Valentine’s Day d
    inner:
    Me: The Bloggess got a new taxidermied weasel.
    Wookie: Wait. The weasel IS a taxidermist or the weasel was the subject of taxidermy?

    So, do we know what Juanita did for a living before seeking fame as a greeting card model?

  136. Juanita is Teh Awesome! This is from someone who grew up surrounded by 9,000 mink (Dad was a mink rancher), which are slightly larger and have nicer fur but no dresses and are very rarely taxidermied.

  137. She totally needs a mini shiv that she fashioned out of a toothbrush… From her time in the big house for some trumped up charges from The Man..

  138. I normally feel that all taxidermi should follow a simple, single-name schema — but in this case, sensing the need for at least four or five names — Juanita Bofrey LaMaz the Elder or some such.

  139. Juanita lamenting her ruined souffle reminds me a lot of myself in the kitchen…except I don’t cook (bake? parboil?) or whatever it is you do to souffles. But I’ve lamented lots of other failed dinner attempts. Genius!

  140. I totally don’t know if this has been posted, because I’m too lazy to read all 260 comments, but I live in Florida and am, in fact, a Florida Studies graduate student (it’s SO a thing). I can get you a real stuffed gator if you want one, no disrespect to your Beany Babies gator. We’ve got one gator for every 14 people in this state, so I’m totally not blowing smoke up your ass. What size would you like and also please don’t tell Victor it was me who got you one.

  141. When I got home, I finished decorating the cake for my seven-year-old daughter’s Valentine’s “snack time” (the word “party” is not allowed) tomorrow. Then I checked my facebook and uploaded pics of said cake. Next, I clicked and scrolled my way through my daily checkins on the websites to which I am addicted simply because of their mind-numbing awesomeness. Then I got up and found a marker so my daughter could address her Valentines.

    Next, I got headphones and started watching Vampire Diaries on my laptop instead of the big screen so she and my ten-year-old son wouldn’t have nightmares, but after only five minutes of the episode, daughter finished her shower and I had to go tuck her and the boy into bed. (On a completely unrelated note, my son made me tuck his covers in at the top of his bed so that he can sleep in a cocoon of sorts. His toes stick out the bottom, but this seems perfectly sane to me and I wish I had thought of it as a child since I could never feel secure enough from the monsters in the hallway.)

    Once they were all snug in their beds, I resumed my adventures with hot, not-nearly-shirtless-enough vampires. After one episode, I realized that I was tired and should go to bed, but I simply couldn’t. Something undefined was keeping me awake.

    So I watched another episode.

    When that ended, I unequivocally realized that another episode of Vampire Diaries had done nothing to alleviate this undefined need that was keeping me away from my lovely pillow and snuggly covers.

    Searching for an answer to what was wrong with me, especially since insomnia is not one of my multitude of problems, I popped back onto my favorites page and noticed that the thumbnail for the Bloggess had updated since my earlier venture through my daily fixes.

    I loaded it up and began to read. With a very small downward scroll, I discovered what my psyche needed to tell me so that I could finally give in to my exhaustion and sleep: a stuffed weasel.

    I never would have suspected that this was what I needed so badly, but I am now dozing in and out as my fingers roam the keyboard. Thanks, Juanita. Sleep well, Jenny.

  142. one of the things I regret about getting old is that I probably won’t live long enough to read your daughter’s book. It’s going to be awesome.

  143. Your weirdness never seems to end. I think we were separated at birth! You sense of humor is totally me.

  144. Bahahaha. Too funny. My husband and I just had a conversation about the phrase “so you cute I could eat you up.” We think maybe that is how animals end up eating their young, just too much cuteness. The smock….amazing.

  145. this is seriously one of the most delightful things i’ve ever seen lol! at least since Copernicus. my husband is kind of obsessed with him and the “a hug is a strangle you haven’t finished yet”.

  146. Weezie. You kinda have to name your weasel Weezie, right? I mean, I don’t really see you having a choice. It’s like the universe says so.

  147. Delightful! Thank you for brightening my day. My best friend of 15 years (who also holds the high distinction of having introduced me to to Beyonce the metal chicken) is giving birth to a baby boy next month. I don’t suppose Juanita is available for another photo shoot with a tiny male mouse? My friend, already the wonderful mother of a precocious 2-year-old, would love it! Thanks!

  148. Oh my God. That last photo made me choke on a piece of salmon. Perhaps Juanita could bring in additional income by hiring herself out as a hit-weasel, terrifying unsuspecting victims into death-by-dinner.

  149. OMG Are you me? Am I you? I don’t have a stuffed weasel (YET), but I just got my second artificial leg for my collection – both legs found in the trash. Who throws away a perfectly good leg? One of them still has a shoe on it.I also have a collection of insect heads in a jar in my kitchen, and I make sculptures with false teeth and old chicken bones.

  150. Well, I never took a class on “weasel economics,” but I do have an econ degree AND took a bowling class FROM A STATE COLLEGE, and all that education says…GOOD CHOICE!

  151. Juanita the Weasel could be the next, and may I say, much improved, form of Barbie dolls. After all, she is totally anatomically correct.

    And now all she needs is her own little totally awesome red dress. And another photo shoot!

  152. Juanita just works.
    But so would Liesel Barrymore Weasel. She goes by Liesel B. Weasel.

    It fits the drama and explains her tremendous range.

    So give it some thought. It could change your weasel’s life forever.

  153. “Hey, Girl!”

    Tears, I’m telling you…streaming down my face…hardly able to catch my breath to re-read it to my husband. Who (after laughing himself) threatened to kill me if I ever brought home a taxidermied anything. This, of course, means that I need to find a stuffed anything immediately.

  154. I think you should give Juanita a mic and say “This is…AMERICAN IDOL!”

    But that last photo damn near killed me. My lungs are exhausted. And also, I want a souffle.

  155. The picture of Juanita in the dress made me cough hummus on my laptop. Kind of gross, but so worth it.

    For some reason, she reminds me of the Nicola Roberts ‘Dance to the Beat of My Drum’ Video.

  156. When I forced my husband to read this entry he got stuck on the “unpatriotic” part. All he could think of was Juanita dressed as Betsy Ross.

  157. Omigod the soufflé photo…I just can’t. stop. laughing. You’re basically the most brilliant person I’ve never met. And Juanita just made me laugh so hard my dog came over to make sure I wasn’t dying.

  158. I HAD to share the link for this on FB because I laughed so hard that I was crying. Plus I was crying ’cause I laughed so hard it made my hernia hurt. If your book is half as funny as this post (and the one about Copernicus- where I first heard about you) I have a feeling I’ll be buying several copies. I love to lend out books I love, but then want to read them again, so I buy new copies instead of asking for mine back. Somehow I think you might be able to relate…

  159. I cannot believe you haven’t taken a picture of Juanita with Copernicus! They would look so fetching together!
    and I just love her apron.

    You are so a woman after my own heart.

  160. OMG, that weasel looks exactly how I feel after a stressful day at work.
    Why no souffle’ weasel in your shop?

  161. Jenny I *need* a souffle magnet. I don’t want one, I NEED one! I want that in my kitchen so I can see it everyday!

  162. Whynota Juanita.

    Maybe, just maybe, if you dressed Victor up, and let him pose with the weasel…

    Nah

    Juanita Weasel is EXCELLENT! ha ha ha ha

  163. LMAO! Great, I just sprayed my keybord with Diet Coke, AGAIN. And, if you are wondering, yes it burns when it comes out of your nose because you are laughing so hard at the pictures.

  164. Yesterday, because of you I bought a metallic cockerel. Thank god I don’t have a Victor in my life to complain and not understand me!

  165. I feel a little weird about posting this comment because it’s (strangely) the most open I’ve ever been to the internet, but fuck it.
    I just got broken up with (literally) and it was, let’s just say, a bad breakup, and I’m lying here feeling pretty terrible about life in general, and got on Twitter hoping for a distraction of some sort, and there was a new Bloggess blog! And Jenny is living her life like normal, purchasing taxidermied animals and taking surprisingly artistic pictures of them like it’s a *normal* thing to do. And I love it. It’s wonderful and whimsical, and while I can’t say that I feel better, because I don’t think I will for a long while, I can say that I’m really glad that this blog (and Jenny) exists. And I really hope that these awesome readers make Jenny feel a little bit better when she’s feeling down, too.
    I’m sorry for this crappy downer comment. I hope no one actually reads it, but I felt like I needed to say something, for myself. That it would help somehow. I don’t know how, but I do believe in trusting my instincts. So I’m posting this, something I would never have done if I were still in a serious relationship. Hmm, maybe that’s why.

  166. Have you read “A Dirty Job” by Christopher Moore? Taxidermied animals have an important role to play…

  167. Juanita is absolutely wonderful… I can see why you are so proud!
    On a side note, I saw a raccoon on the side of the road yesterday and my first thought was…
    No, not “Hmm, Roadkill” as a normal person might expect but…
    ” hmmm, wonder if Jenny could use a raccoon”…
    followed by …” who do you call to clean that up?”
    As you might have guessed by now 1) I am evidently not normal and 2) I have no clue when it comes to roadkill and taxidermy… but I am working on that.

  168. My grandmother-in-law is the VERY conservative wife of a southern baptist minister. Her name is Juanita. True story. I am getting her the last card cuz I know that after a lifetime of no dancing, no drinking and no cursing, every time she ruins yet another souffle and says, “oh shucks,” she is really thinking, “This motherfucking souffle is ruined.”

  169. Wow. You totally just took the shine off of my “animal eating your face off” post…dangit. Actually, I’m so upset about it, that I’m making the Juanita face right now. Only not with so many teeth. And less fur.
    Dangit.

  170. I bought a James Garfield card.
    I loved the Duckie!
    I thought Tranny Piragator was pretty cool.
    and I LOL’d at the last pic of Juanita.
    But Taxidermy STILL freaks me out.

  171. Also, Juanita’s surname should be something French cheffy, like…
    Juanita L’Variée (Juanita The Varied – considering her range of facial expressions at different angles)

  172. “O.M.G guys! like, you’d TOTALLY not believe…”
    Is what Juanita seems to be saying. She’s definitely a melodramatic sorority girl at heart.
    Thanks for being so whimsical and silly and yet so damn funny – you keep on reminding me to be whimsical and silly too. Life gets really boring when we take ourselves too seriously, eh?

  173. Juanita is pretty fantastic all by herself (well, the transvestite alligator really gives the diorama ‘punch’), but in that dress… lordy, lordy… fan-FUCKING-tastic is the word. BTW…I’ve been scouring the taxidermy sales for a girlfriend for Hamlet. Dude needs a chick…he is way suave to still be single.

  174. My cat is called Juanita. My other is Alphonso.

    She has been sat next to me for the last hour solid, batting at a bottle of 7up next to me entranced by the bubbles. This is her being cute.

    However, I think that your Juanita is better.

  175. you’ve really outdone yourself this time! if i have to change my pants again after reading about your taxidermied animal shenanigans, my boyfriend has threatened to mail them directly to you for laundering.

    i’m only telling you this so you don’t think i’m some sort of weirdo stalker or creepy soiled pants mailer.

    no, really.

  176. Someone else may have already asked this, but. . .when are they getting married?
    It’s not like you could just pass up the opportunity to put her in a wedding dress.
    Or him in a tux with a beret.

  177. My wife is jealous of how much I love you. . .this post increases both my love of you and her jealousy. . .

  178. Hi Juanita,
    Just visiting via a link on my daughter-in-love’s Twitter. Glad I read this!

    Whenever I buy something neat for an art niche, like at a yard sale, my wife looks at my purchase and says, “One man’s trash is another man’s trash”.

    What a lucky man Victor is.

    Thanks for this posting, I’ve really enjoyed it.

    John Cowart

  179. I NEED the souffle picture, I NEED it. It is what my wall has always been missing. Except I live in the UK and I don’t think it will ship here. My wall, and me, are now bereft with grief.

  180. I just thought of an idea. If you know somebody very annoying that has just had a baby, can do a modification on the “Your baby is so cute it should be eaten”, change it to “Your baby is so ugly, we think it should be eaten”. My bet is they will never speak to you again.

  181. Rather than Juanita, how’bout Giselle Weasel?

    If you say “Giselle” like you took nine credit hours of French at community college, then “Giselle” and “weasel” almost rhyme.

    Food for thought. Of course, I want souffle now, so technically, it’s souffle for thought.

    YOU’RE WELCOME.

  182. I just burst out laughing and woke up all my roomies at five a.m. I don’t think they are in the right mood for Juanita right now, but I love her, and you, and Victor. You all make me furiously happy.

  183. The little dress with an apron? All Juanita needs now is a little string of pearls and some pumps and you have the perfect 50’s housewife with an Alligator husband who happens to be an actor in a swashbuckling pirate movie.

    Can you see the scene?

    “Allen” Alligator: “Honey I’m home for a quick dinner break. I didn’t even have time to change my costume. WHAT’S FOR DINNER?”
    Juanita: “OMG, did you have to yell? Now the motherfucking souffle is ruined!!”

    Just sayin’………

  184. Dear Jenny,
    I know I am going to sound like a tremendous prude here, but would you consider doing a different version of the Juanita souffle apron? May I suggest motherflipping, if I am not being too pushy? I only ask because I love it, but the 6 year old repeats everything he hears or reads to his very uptight teacher. I know he will learn the F bomb soon, but until then I am living in self denial. Thanks!

  185. OMG! I’m dying laughing. And I’m on the bus to work so it’s a tiny bit embarrassing. It’s not like I could really explain that a taxadermied weasel in a dress is making me snort and get less confused stares than I’m getting now!
    Brilliant!

  186. Jenny, your blog makes me laugh everyday! When i’m bored/stressed/tired/insert another feeling of mundaneness here, i log onto your blog, get a dose of you and i’m instantly ready for the next hour or so of my life. You’re like everyone’s favourite teapot – slightly cracked but still adored! can’t wait for your next installment xxx

  187. I live in Japan, so Valentine’s day is almost over. And while I love your posts…i love when there is a new post…I love how it makes me laugh…I love how it validates my reality…all I can say is Victor really, really has true love for you. You are truly a lucky woman!

  188. If I weren’t boycotting Valentines, I would be sending weasels to everyone I know. I may reconsider for next year. See also: I’m going to die alone.

  189. With those teeth and claws she kind of reminds me of the thing that came out of John Hurt’s chest in ‘Alien’ and ruined everyone’s breakfast. Either that or an ex-girlfriend. Well I said ‘reminds’, more shading towards ‘reminded’ – the resemblence was lost as soon as she donned the souffle apron.

    Now she’s a perfect match for Victoria Beckham, right down to the glassy stare and third rate embalming technique.

  190. Jenny, I have something that you need to see.

    Someone I went to college with (Ok, I was really only in one class with her but she was really cool and I always WANTED to be friends, but I’m not so good at making them. We’re friends on Facebook though….that kind of counts. It’s hard enough to keep the ones I have because I enjoy my couch more than the outside world. At least in the winter. I like being social when it’s warm out.) is a taxidermy artist and I think you’d think she’s awesome. She has an Etsy shop but the stuff in there isn’t nearly as exciting as her gallery here-

    http://www.roguetaxidermy.com/members_detail.php?id=584

    I mean….she mounted a wolf’s head on a painter’s palette and there is a paintbrush in the wolf’s mouth. The fox bookends are pretty awesome too. And now that I’ve really started looking….everyone on that website is pretty fantastic. I like Winter Rosebudd’s bubble gum pink beast rug. Enjoy!

  191. Long time stalker, first time commenter. That weasel should obviously be named Sasha Fierce. She’s a sassy ball of judgy snark with a healthy does of diva thrown in.

  192. I love how Juanita’s apron comes in a child’s size. My ex-husband would *not* understand if I bought that for my 8-year-old.

  193. We all need a dead weasel 😉 hopefully you won’t find one of the cats dragging it around LOL

  194. Dear Jenny, You can assure Victor that this was no insult. I saw the emotionally petrified weasel on physically petrified wood and thought, who better to give this weasel a home than The Bloggess! Had I any ill intent, I would have bought the weasel for myself and sent you a photo along with a note stating “See this weasel? She’s mine. Not yours.” I knew you could do more good with a dead weasel than I could. Plus I work for one of them there schmancy state colleges you mentioned. (In the state ranking #1 in foreclosure inventory and #7 in unemployment – woot!) So what would have been my weasel buying pennies are going under my mattress in an envelope marked “Firearms and Velour a.k.a. Retirement”.

    I wish we still had that whole bobcat in the freezer. I’d send it to Victor as a peace offering.

    Sincerely, The Girl on Twitter

  195. I was at auditions last night for the theater where I work when this popped up in my feed reader on my phone. I probably shouldn’t have opened it, but I did. And then spent twenty minutes attempting not to laugh out loud while actors were auditioning their hearts out on stage in front of me as I sat in the front row RUNNING the auditions. Actors, with their easily-crushed little egos, probably wouldn’t have taken it well had I started laughing while they were emoting. But the little screamy face on Juanita! And the souffle photo! And the apron!

    In related news, I really need to not take my phone out during auditions, otherwise I’m going to get fired as Artistic Director.

  196. Juanita is the best! Been laughing for 2 days now. I want her souffle pic as my screen saver, but settled for an apron…

  197. Dear Jenny,
    I have not laughed so hard in years as I did when I got to the souffle picture. And then I started sobbing. Apparently there is something cathartic about a stuffed weasel in an old-fashioned pinafore distraught at her fallen souffle.
    Thank you so much for making me laugh till I cried.

    Gratefully,

    Nina

    P.S. I haven’t ever thought of buying anything on Zazzle (far too broke to consider it), but I think that Juanita getting upset might make me have to do it. I want to commemorate this feeling, but don’t use aprons. Maybe a tee shirt?

  198. There.are.no.words! [slow clap] I have fallen off my chair, snickered like a crazy crackhead here at work. Juanita…you are too EPIC. Jenny…..YOU ARE BEYOND EPIC. I’m a long time lurker of your site and felt compelled to comment. Reading this post and seeing Juanita gave me the courage to speak up and bow to this awesome piece of goodness laced with pumpkin spice and a box full of glitter granades. Ladies… Thank you!
    [Pardon me over the grammatical horror of this comment]

    Will comment again when I have the courage not to sound like a jackass.

  199. Aprons. Yes, aprons. And if you can get a tiny embroidered Juanita Weasel print, perhaps some pedal pushers, too. For spring.

  200. Was scrolling through the pictures at the end and giggling, then got to the last one of the Motherfucking souffle and spit root beer on my screen. Thanks for that 🙂

  201. I’m thinking Juanita could be spokes-weasel for a line of dental care products: toothpaste, whiteners, mouthwash, etc. The captions/slogans almost write themselves!

  202. Pure awesome! Tis a damned shame she’s a female though, or Pauly Shore would make a badass name. Hmmm…Paula Shore?

  203. She really really really does have the face for EVERY emotion. Please Please Please keep going with the hilarious pictures – I’m thinking a special for Valentine’s Day featuring an array of taxidermied animals. And please think ahead to St Patrick’s and Easter. I need to plan ahead.