UPDATED: Weasel algebra

in Random Crap

If you don’t know who Juanita Weasel is yet then click here.  Then come back.  Ready?  Awesome.

My friend Ruth made this for me and it’s so fantastic I can’t not share it:

And that is the math of Juanita Weasel.  Also, several of you have asked if there’s a blank Juanita template you can use to create your own version of a screaming weasel.  Answer:  Of course there is.  Click here, sweet things.

UPDATED: If you’re not on twitter you are missing the amazing awesomeness of a juanita meme that just keeps on giving.  I can’t even keep up with all the bad-ass Juanita renditions so if you made on, leave a link in the comments here so the world can enjoy.  As a small token of my thanks for making me laugh my ass off, one of you will get a free Juanita poster.  Either the safe-for-work one, or the profanity-laden version.  Your choice.

614 thoughts on “UPDATED: Weasel algebra”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. With all the taxidermied friends you have, I think you need to create a “Cast of Characters” page with photos, names and links to the back stories. You’re one marmot and an ex-parrot away from Doonesbury levels of confusion.

  10. You seriously are one of the funniest people I have ever not met. You had my office in stitches yesterday. Please never stop writing. And bringing fits of ridiculous laughter and smirks and smiles to my life.

  15. We think the template and sexy dress Juanita is wearing are going to be a BIG problem with Newt.

    His trousers are on the move again…

    Maybe just tell him to “get stuffed”.

    And take him to your taxidermist?

  27. It took me a dry erase board, a laser pointer and a team of dogs dressed as lab rats for me to get this joke.. Maybe I should stop bleaching my hair…. Or maybe I like dressing up dogs in rat costumes. ;o)

  28. The equation is missing one thing, however.

    Your essential whimsicalness Or your penchant for whimsey. Or whiskey. Something like that.

  32. I must admit that we played with the jpeg in the original post, and Juanita’s been hanging – with her original “scream” – in my laundry room for 2 days. I can’t wait till my mother comes next week and has to pass her to go to the bathroom. You and Juanita rock!

  34. I have a feeling a screencap of this whole fucking post will find it’s way to Pinterest soon. File that under “Really Cool Shit.”

  38. Blank Juanita weasel templates for all!

    BTW, Bloggess, I so appreciated your I Love You and marriage proposal on Valentine’s Day. You’re the first girl who ever proposed to me. I’m honored.

  40. Everything about Juanita (and you) makes me happy. You have seriously cracked my shit up every day this week. Also, I sent Juanita’s picture as a valentine yesterday, it was perfect! Thanks!

  41. God Juanita really is a woman of all occasions!!

    That expression pretty much covers everything but depressed.

    Also, it reminds me of Allie Brosh 🙂

  42. I love Juanita the Weasel. She reminds me of my grandma in that apron. My grandma is also named Juanita, which make me think I may need to do some Photoshop magic of my own.

  46. Considering how much I hate math, I’m surprised how much I LOVE this!! And Juanita totally reminds me of my fifth grade math teacher. Freaky!

  48. I don’t think anyone could ever top the souffle’, but thank you! I’m going to print these up and leave them randomly around the house.

  51. I don’t think I will ever not laugh at that picture. Also, I’m not entirely sure that sentence makes sense. Juanita’s ruined souffle is funny, is what I’m saying.

  52. So how many dead animals do you have in your house now? I have to say my favorite is still the wolf skin. I would kill to have one of those. Of course, I guess a wolf HAS to die in order for anyone to have one, but still.

    I would do it myself, but I don’t think the skin would look as good afterward. I can’t even cut a straight line with scissors.

  53. I’ve been shoving the Juanita posts in my friends’ faces for two days. “READ THESE READ READ READ AND REJOICE!!!” I even made the cats read them. Also I’m making the cats some pinafores, because CLEARLY I’ve been lax in that department. You are made of magic and taxidermied rodents, Jenny.

  54. Last night I tried to explain to my husband why Wil Wheaton was awesome for collating paper and how Juanita screaming “Khaaaaaan!” was an appropriate way to say “Thank you.” His response was: “That woman sounds dangerous; I think I’d be afraid for you if you ever met her.” Either he doesn’t get it, or he understands it so much better than anybody else.

  61. That is just brilliant. And I’m not sure if I should be excited or frightened that it is the only math I understand.

  62. You just get more awesome with every post. Thanks for the face-splitting grin that this post pushed my face into.

  63. Thank you. Oh dear god, thank you.
    My week has been one Juanita moment after another.
    Now, she is my nook wallpaper… patiently waiting for your book release.

    and if I drink enough wine, maybe she will convince me to bake a motherfucking souffle.

  67. JUANITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

    (Just so you know, I am looking back at her making the same face…………….ours is a love that is forbidding and surprisingly stiff, but real all the same……….)

  68. Thank you!! I’m having a rough week (need to call the doctor and re-evaluate my meds, kind of week), and between weasel math and the laugh Wil Wheaton’s Juanita photo request got from my geeky husband I’m sporting a semi-smile!

  69. I think I need tutoring. Or maybe the first part of your equation is an otter. One or the other. Whatever.

  71. I would love to see Juanita in a little Romanian leotard…à la Nadia Comaneci circa 1976. She looks like she just nailed the perfect dismount. After discovering the ruined soufflé.

  74. Until now, I never “got” New Math.

    I thought it was awful teachers in grade school, turns out they weren’t up on their Weasel Math.

  76. If I had Juanita math when I was in high school, my career path would have been so wonderfully different.

    Also, will there be a “Cooking with Juanita” book to go along with the apron? The armadillo cake would be a great start. Or real armadillo. Either/or. I’m open to experimenting with my food.

  77. How Victor could have ever doubted that you and Juanita Weasel were destined to be together is beyond me! Juanita Weasel + you = never-ending hilarity!

  79. It is a good thing that I have been helping my son with his 5th grade math because that is like priming the pump for understanding this. Juanita’s best role has been her bit as Shatner. Loved that.

  80. I love this kind of math. Thanks for the meme Juanita. If I weren’t as technology challenged as I am math challenged, I would be able to figure out how to use it….

  85. Okay. I already had a secret love affair with you. Well, not really so secret. I’m forever telling people about you and your hilarity and sending them links to your blog. My husband thinks that you and I (and consequently he and Victor) were separated at birth. Me sending you to people is actually a very good barometer. If they laugh, they are awesome. If they don’t, they are clueless doinks who wouldn’t know what funny was even if it smacked them in the balls. Wow…I digress. The point of this post was to tell you that now I’m in love with Ruth too.

  87. I came to say that while I have no need to create my own screaming weasel (or maybe I just lack creativity. Whatever), I appreciate your commenters and their abilities…but then I saw the comment about Copernicus math. Now I’m scared to contemplate what that might involve.

  88. My friend and I drive to a place in Minnesota called Eveleth where they have a huge celebration on July 4th with a clown band that marches around squirting beer on everybody. Now I wish there could be a weasel band squirting hard liquor on everybody. I might have to make my own parade and rain on it.

    Minnesota Red recently posted…this post.

  92. I so need to add to my collection of Jenny purchased goodness & get a Juanita apron.. because, this motherfucking soufflé is ruined!

  96. Oh. Em. Gee. I have been having such a suckacious time lately, but tonight all your wonderful minions have made me furiously happy. (Is there a “Bloggess Nation” TM yet? Because there should be.) I am laughing so hard at all the fabulous Juanita pics you’ve been tweeting. I still have a migraine, but I don’t mind it nearly as much! Please, please keep them coming. So far I think Platoon wins, but they’re all really good. (And so much better than anything I could come up with.)
    p.s. i agree that juanita totally needs to have a weasel-sized red dress. for realz.

  98. Me(yelling, 2nd grade math homework balled in flailing fist)
    “This is ridiculous. I don’t get how you don’t get this! That’s it. I am sending your teacher a note in the morning. Clearly, what you need is a taxidermied weasel. Blue Ribbon my ASS!”

  99. At first I was mad because I have a paper that I’m supposed to write about learning and diversity, but this picture is distracting. But then I realized this picture has all kinds of learning: math, science, maybe even some home-ec. So thank you for not only distracting me, but providing justification for my distraction.

  100. It was my understanding that there would be no math. But math like this, count me in! I am pretty sure in my house that Juanita is yelling, “Shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut uuuuuuuuuuuuup!” to all the racket her sweet little weasels are making upstairs.

  103. Dear Jenny. No one would be more happy (and buy willing) than me if you could to a Juanita – ornament that could be worn as a necklace. I LOVE JUANITA. And I love you. Would wear it all the time. Hugs from sweden!

  104. OMG This has literally made my morning! Juanita is fabulous darling! Lol! Thank you for making me smile x

  106. Any chance of getting Juanita on to a small grassy knoll? I really want to check out her potential as the lead in a taxidermied version of ‘The Sound of Music’.

  110. That is exactly the kind of math I would have understood in school! Practical, graphical, enjoyable. I bet if Mr. N– had used weasel math I would have passed the first time through!

  111. I thought about making a meme of Juanita as newly minted Darth Vader from the end of episode III, and then remembered that I am a failure at photoshop… but I just wanted to let you know I thought about it, and it’s the thought that counts. Or at least that’s what other lazy people with no artistic talent have told me…

  113. Your posts and tweets recently have helped me in a time where depression has really had the upper hand. Thank you for being you; hilarious, strong and beautiful. You remind me that it isn’t always darkness and it does get better. <3

  115. Can someone PLEASE stitch all these version of Juanita together so I can have the perfect desktop background!! One Juanita is good but all of them…how would I get any work done as I gaze on her beauty.

  120. @maureen Never eat armadillo. It’s a great way to get Hansen’s Disease aka leprosy. #thingsyoulearngrowingupinTexas

  129. I think you need to start requesting new friends from the same few taxidermists, that way you get convince them to give you a “frequent buyer’s card”.

  132. Juanita made me join twitter. Now I just have to figure out how it works. I may be a little twitter illiterate. (Say that 3 times fast!) 🙂

  136. For as long as I can remember people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness I decided that if I could not inspire love, which is my deepest hope, I would instead cause fear. I live because this poor half-crazed genius, has given me life. She alone held an image of me as something beautiful and then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, she used her own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

  159. #143. Love it.

    Jenny, I love how you’ve made taxidermy into an art form again. Taxidermist around the world are rejoicing in their sudden influx of business.

  162. You mentioned before about a different name for Juanita. While I like Juanita, another fun option (or perhaps a nickname) is Eloise…which could end up being Elo-weasel. Just a thought. :o)

  163. Showed my hubs Janita yesterday and told him “If you really loved me you would have bought me something as cool as this for valentines day!” His response was walking away and mumbling something like the cats would eat it….Im holding out hope since it wasnt a flatout no!

  179. Geeky Girl Engineer: Awesome!! Put that weasel down the pants of all those VA men that want to “state rape” you.

  180. I am tech-challenged, so I don’t know how to make my own Juanita pic, but I keep seeing her as Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With the Wind. Very, “As God is my witness, I will never go hungry again!”

  197. This is a “stay out of the f%#!ing treat cabinets you cats!” weasel if there ever was one. Caution cats, Juanita on guard.

  236. “In a world where no animal is safe from taxidermy, Juanita the Weasel will seek justice for all marmot-kind. Oh the humanity!!!” Saying this with a deep, ominous voice will make more sense.

  238. I have never before in my life wanted to own a taxidermied animal!
    Sure it may traumatize the children, but I call that a BONUS!

  249. I just realised that there are gizzilions of completely crazy and funny people in the world. Love the Juanita dress ups. If has not been done somebody really,really has to replace her with Tina Turner in Mad Max.

  251. Loving all these Juanita pics so much, but I think my current fave is 218, the Tardis one. 😀

  263. I would like to say that as someone who has recently started suffering from anxiety attacks, you have made my day on many occasions. I think what you are doing is absolutely fabulous and I look forward to your updates constantly, I hope you realize how much your fans appreciate you!

  297. I haven’t mastered the art of photoshop yet, so I didn’t do it myself… but I’m wondering if there’s a Juanita “Soylent Green is Weasels” yet??? because if there isn’t, there should be.

  299. Juanita is the most popular aproned weasel on the internet. She should be warned that imposters are sure to follow. But she shouldn’t mind too much – she’s the original and sooooo much cooler.

  304. I don’t have a website, but I have a Juanita rendition. Juanita as the next Teen Mom: “NOOOOO!!!!! Thongs really DO lead to babies!!!!!”

    Yes.

  307. Two things.
    1) I’m not computer crafty and just want Juanita saying that the motherfucking souffle is ruined without the math. Can anyone help me? 🙁
    2) Your recent usage of “sweet things” when addressing us readers makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Like I’m going to explode into rainbows and unicorns. I love it.

  308. I have two to offer, because Juanita the Weasel is fucking genius and I just wanted to add to the awesome in any way I can.

    First is silly internet meme (because I hit 9000 tweets recently): http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v464/ShaggyDiz/Juanita%20the%20Weasel/juanitaover9000.jpg

    And second is something of an inside joke with my family, but Juanita makes it all the more awesome: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v464/ShaggyDiz/Juanita%20the%20Weasel/juanitaburnwater.jpg

  317. What’m I gonna do with all this MOTHERFUCKING Paella????!!!!!!!!!! ~Juanita Archibald Weasel
    SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!! IIITTTSSS PEEEEEOOOPPPPLLLLLLLEEEE!!!!!!!!! ~ Juanita Archibald Weasel

  325. Oh, goodness…You crack me up every single time I read one of your blog posts. Thank you for putting something so wonderfully dysfunctional out in the world to help make everyone’s days better!

  327. I hate math. Juanita makes me hate it just a wee bit less.

    She looks a little stressed out though from the whole experience, and a little frumpy in that apron. Maybe she needs her own special red dress.

  329. Hold up. Someone just said I could get an apron with Juanita screaming about the souffle!? I didn’t see it in your store…I MUST HAVE THIS!

  346. While ordering my Juanita water bottle I noticed there was also an apron for kids that also says “This mother-fucking souffle is ruined”. I was tempted. but thought the grandparents might get upset.

  347. This weasel is the greatest thing that has ever happened to the internet. Sincerely.

  353. seriously, funniest shite ever….the original Juanita photo run had me in tears, but the Wil Wheaton special treatment? doesn’t get any better than that…now I have to go order the Juanita won’t eat your baby card for my cousin’s upcoming labor pain amusement…

  361. My recollection is that you started Lawson Awesome Mathmetics during the infamous and hilarious attempted Canadian Bacon purchase of 2009. Totally awesome, obviously trend-setting, and so very ahead of your time. Finally your genius will be recognized! You should be getting a call from MIT any day now.

  368. What’s the scale size of your stuffed dead weasel? I’m just curious – it looks like it might be an American Least Weasel. That’s the smallest carnivore. Females are about 7-8 inches long, not including tail. I’ve always felt bad for the Least Weasel. How would you like to be called Least? It’s in the name! How can it NOT have some inferiority issues? Yet it is a big hunter, bringing down game several time its size. So maybe it’s more like Least Weasel My Fuzzy Ass! I’ll Show You Who Is Least! Taste It BEEYOTCH!

    Over the years, I’ve had a lot of pet ferrets. The apron wouldn’t go over so well. They’d probably take it off and stash it in a secret spot and I wouldn’t find it unless I moved. (BTW, to the current owner of my old house: Sorry about the panties. They stashed them really far back under the sink vanity and I couldn’t retrieve them.) But distressed over souffles? Totally in character. I love Juanita!

  371. I saw the awesomeness of Juanita gracing the pages of Pinterest this morning. I love her!

  387. So, I was making Juanita’s with various inside jokes for my friends at the office… when a co-worker decides to argue with me that using the same image with different text loses the impact. I tried to explain internet memes, but he was having none of it. He said he was trying to help me with my humor…

    So I posted this on his cube:

    http://twitpic.com/8ksovm

  394. So, are we going to be graced with the presence of dead weasel friends?

    …and can we expect the following sitcom this fall?

  397. This is without a doubt the best thing I have done all day. Maybe even all week. Or all year. My life is that sad. Thank you Bloggess for giving me something fun today that served absolutely no other purpose than making me smile.

    http://flic.kr/p/burMEB

  401. Unfortunately my inabilty to grasp even the simplest of photoshopping skillz, coupled with my hand-crank Fisher Price “My First PC” renders me incapable of creating the Juanita as the Virgin Mary with PMS I have in mind. ((le sigh…))

  405. I am having a shitty day and am sportin’ one massive headache and thus cannot think of one clever thing to write, suffice to say thanks for giving me a good laugh and for bringing new meaning to the words this motherfuckin souffle is ruined.

  413. 400+ comments – what I want to know is, does Juanita have a red dress? She really needs a red dress.

  417. Oh, Juanita Weasel. What a fiery temper you have–but so stunning in that frilly number!

  430. Oh my God, you people. I love you guys. Seriously.

    Sometimes I read your conversations with Victor out loud to my husband. Sometimes he laughs, sometimes he’s kind of “. . . what the fuck?” while I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. Long story short, maybe husbands just don’t find this kind of thing quite as funny as we do? Pity for them.

  431. I had to post this picture of Juanita as my computer backdrop or whatever it’s called. I love it. And her dress makes me giggle. Sure there is a really bad word on it, but it’s not like my kids have never heard that word before…and it’s hilarious. Thanks for making my day!

  432. If I had photoshop I would totally put:

    I’VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!!!!

    But my computer is an asshole, so I can’t…

  439. Thanks for the make your own Juanita picture. I am going to make several to hang on the fridge to get my point across because no one ever listens to me when I actually speak. I am thinking “Pick up your own damn crap” and “You are gonna eat it or wear it!”

  440. Thanks for the make your own Juanita picture. I am going to make several to hang on the fridge to get my point across because no one ever listens to me when I actually speak. I am thinking “Pick up your own damn crap” and “You are gonna eat it or wear it!” I am so in love with Juanita and that dress, I can’t even tell you.

  443. If I had access to photoshop, I would put:
    OMFG! I can’t believe I am pregnant AGAIN!

    Damn home computer…

  446. “Don’t tase me, Bro!”

    This is the best thing since Ferris Mewler’s mustache cone.

  447. wow, hopefully you will be getting a stuffed cock sometime soon….or a rooster that is. LOVE the photos! So much fodder for future madcap adventures with Juanita!

  453. (Okay, I’m not sure how my son’s new blog got attached to my comment. My apologies.)

  458. Hi. I just wanted to tell you that you inspire me. Things like the Traveling Red Dress? Amazing. Inspiring women all around the world. You’re you. You’re hilarious, and when I’m feeling sad I’ll pop on here, and just flick through posts. I’m practically falling out of my chair by the end of many of them. Also, I have a store that sells giant rusty metal chickens/roosters/pigs/goats/etc. at the end of my block. Which is pretty amazing. And you own a TARDIS– even if it’s only cardboard.

    So, thanks. Thank you for the laughter, and the inspiration. I think you’re pretty amazing.

    -The Dandy Lioness

  474. It’s at this point that it’s more exhausting to keep coming back here to post the individual pictures I’m making and – honestly – my boss is getting a little pissed because every time he comes by my cube there is a weasel picture in a photo editor on my desktop, SO:

    https://picasaweb.google.com/114366713991743934152/Juanita

    Yes. Juanita has the privilege of having her own album in my Picassa account. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me.

  475. Oh moooooooog35 absolutely love the juggling one, your boss needs to understand that this is for the greater good of mankind.

  477. Everything about Juanita has simply made my week… yet another reason why I love you and your humor and your readers’ humor. Just awesome!

  494. I adore you.

    PLEASE make the souffle pic into a poster. I want that shit for my living room wall!

  500. Sooooo…I’m new here and think you’re awesome. Is there a subscribe-to-your-blog by email button? Where? WHERE?!?! Must…have…Bloggess…every…day.

  510. Just had another run-in with our tax software company, so I revised my last blog to include a comment by Juanita.

    We have decided we need Juanita stickers for our office.

    And also, I think my ulcers will be better becuase Juanita can do the screaming for me!

  514. I mean, honestly… a very precursory search of ebay netted a few things that could totally go in your collection. For example, I picture this one next to Juanita with an apron of her own and her tray filled with baked goods: http://www.ebay.com/itm/Crazy-Like-Fox-Taxidermy-Spectacular-Display-London-Portobello-Antiques-/130647399956?pt=Antiques_Decorative_Arts&hash=item1e6b311e14 …. and here we have a wild western squirrel complete with hat and gun: http://www.ebay.com/itm/VERY-CUTE-GRAY-SQUIRREL-COWBOY-GUN-TAXIDERMY-fishing-fur-trap-deer-animal-rodent-/220869705008?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item336cdc3d30 …. and here is a raccoon drinking a beer: http://www.ebay.com/itm/RACCOON-TAXIDERMY-MOUNT-BEER-OTTER-SKUNK-FUR-TRAPPING-HUNTING-DOG-ANIMAL-/230716765713?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item35b7ca7611

    Where does one even BEGIN collecting such things, with all the available gems out there?

  516. Flipping back and forth between the blank Juanita and the Jazz Hands Juanita in your flickr album is frightfully amusing. I have completely destroyed any chance of continued productivity at work. I bid you good day, madam!

    (on a side note, in case no one has said it to you today or in the last several minutes at least: You are beautiful. You make the world more beautiful. You are winning life perfectly. Do. Not. Stop. Ever.)